Conflicts in the family
Юрий Белк
The book from the famous writer and expert Yuri Belka "Conflicts in the family" explores the underlying causes of family conflicts and offers unique methods for their resolution.
Yuri Belk offers practical advice on effective communication, managing emotions and finding constructive solutions in the most difficult situations.
This book is a practical guide designed for those who seek to improve family relationships and create strong, respectful bonds. It describes proven strategies and techniques that help establish a dialogue within the family, overcome crises and understand the underlying causes of problems.
After studying the theory and practical examples presented in the book, you will learn to look at family conflicts as an opportunity to grow and strengthen relationships. Your family will be able to transform itself into a place of harmony, support and mutual respect.
This book will be an indispensable guide for anyone who seeks to create harmony in the home.
Юрий Белк
Conflicts in the family
Prologue
Enmity between loved ones can be especially irreconcilable.
Publius Cornelius Tacitus
The world in which there is such a large number of communications has become very dynamic, we communicate at the speed of light, well, not in the literal sense, but close to this value. In a split second, messages reach anywhere in the world, and there can be hundreds or thousands of such messages per day, they are not limited in either quantity or volume.
Perhaps this book is now being read by those who remember that sending a letter to relatives in the region meant waiting a month in both directions, or even more.
Letters were written on paper, telephones existed for special occasions, and communication on them was so rare that this method of communication existed only in the city and in some rural areas. Installing the phone and connecting it – it was a long queue, more than six months.
So, back to our topic. You may wonder why you read this now. The fact is that the lack of restrictions on sending messages reveals a more complete relationship to each other.
The book is devoted to conflicts in the family. On the one hand, this is an absolutely unpleasant topic, but, as you know, problems need to be reprimanded, otherwise they begin to multiply, consolidate, cement, which in turn will cause a series of events that will negatively affect new ones that will be generated at an enviable speed.
The greatest pain is brought to us by our loved ones. We perceive the words of a stranger more superficially, sometimes quite neutrally, although everyone has different ways.
The book includes a chapter that will focus on conflict with friends. This is the only category that is not related, but given their importance, they are included as close. Sometimes such conflicts can have more serious, fundamental meanings than native ones.
The list of chapters is listed below. There is no need to look for any hidden reasons why the conflict with the husband is more important than the conflict with the wife. First, they are the same event, and they differ in that objects of conflict are initially considered negative in relation to the reader. We will often resort to the concept of sanity. The main postulate of conflict resolution is that one subject must be sane, otherwise the problem by definition cannot be solved.
There was no goal to cover all the parties and all the different types of conflict between people. Conflicts in families occur more often, due to the fact that these people are more often in contact. Of course, it happens differently, what comes into contact with whom more often is the conflict.
A person is quite complex in his character. A person often has to deal with the insane than with normal people. On the other hand, there is no clear line that this person is normal, this one is insane. Simply because we ourselves do not know what to consider normal and abnormal.
Often, more precisely, as a pattern, we believe that all people who have a different view of things, other ideas, are already abnormal for us, therefore, we are also abnormal for someone else. What happens more often is that both sides consider each other insane, and here it is sometimes difficult to solve the problem and reach a consensus, but more often it is simply impossible. And such smoldering conflicts can occur for years, more often they can not, and so it happens.
In this situation, some side must give in, otherwise it will be impossible to steer, as motorists say, getting into a band of ice.
Most often, two people are involved in the conflict, and sometimes more, much more. In such cases, work on errors should be divided into a number of simple ones, which are indicated in the list below.
It is necessary to take into account the fact that people treat the same conflict circumstance differently at different times of the year, age, and so on.
We must take into account the fact that people perceive the outside world according to their worldview. We will return to this nuance more than once in this book. Therefore, the action or events that occur around a person, they happen, change the person himself. Of course, it doesn't happen as fast as it might seem, but it does.
Based on all this, the conclusion suggests itself. A person changes according to external factors that occur, and they occur with varying degrees of intensity and type. This means that a person, whether he wants it or not, will also gradually change under the influence of these factors, and it is not necessary to say that if someone says that he does not change and has a so-called core inside.
People change quite a lot, and even unexpectedly for themselves, and sometimes suddenly. In fact, every day we are different, we change, but these changes we do not feel so contrasting. The result of all this is a change in the worldview, the result of a change in the worldview is a change in the understanding of the world around us, today's events and the past.
This leads to a very disappointing conclusion that, if we can say so, the attitude of your close relatives to different conflict situations will also change. How much it changes and in what direction, positively or negatively, and so on, you can't know because you don't know exactly the life of this person.
Of course, you can roughly guess how much his worldview has changed, based on the fact that he moved to some other region, changed jobs, got married, divorced, had children, and so on. But you can't learn the basic concept of changing a person's worldview in any way, it's simply impossible, you can't look, as they say, under the crust of a person's brain.
Human consciousness is so complex that it cannot even be understood by the person himself. Here is a simple example, try to unravel your thoughts, yourself as a person, and in general it would be nice for everyone to engage in introspection. The services of psychotherapists in our country are not so much in demand, and there are countries where they are available, but they are very expensive.
It is such a paradoxical situation that it leads to the conclusion that psychotherapists are not available to people in one country, because it is not fashionable, and in another country, because it is expensive. So, introspection is quite accessible to you, but in order to analyze, you need to know how to analyze, what to analyze, and what conclusions to draw.
If you initially have an erroneous understanding of the psychotype of yourself, the basic academic knowledge of psychology and even psychiatry, I'm not afraid of this word, then, naturally, it is expected that you will have wrong conclusions, and you will draw the wrong conclusion, and, therefore, your actions will be initially wrong, you will go on the wrong path.
There is nothing more terrible than when a person makes mistakes and thinks that he is not mistaken, such labyrinths can lead a person so far, so deep, and at some point a person can realize and appreciate all the horror, only for some day, hour or minute he will be very afraid. But it may not realize, and live all his life in the Volga region, this is more common.
Psychology and psychiatry are absolutely two different branches of science, where psychology is aimed at understanding conscious processes, and psychiatry considers at the level of organic processes in the brain, that is, psychiatry belongs to the field of medicine. In different countries, psychiatry is classified in such negative sections that people are afraid to even voice this word.
After the prologue
The family, where we include all those who were indicated in the list above, and then we will consider further on the list, has, in addition to living under the same roof or meeting on different major holidays, also smoldering conflicts more often than with strangers.
The same conflict on the same topic between husband and wife, parents and children, grandparents and relatives occurs in completely different ways. Due to the fact that they are different subjects of the conflict, have different goals and different economic ties with each other, they are arranged differently and live differently from the point of view of the economy. Yes, yes, and here commodity-money relations affect the cell of society.
For example, children are cornered when they have a conflict in the family with their parents, because they are economically dependent on their parents, they can't just pack up and go to live with their mother, because they already live with their mother.
However, the departure of children from home is accompanied by very high risks, when you have to include search engines, the police, and friends in solving the problem. This is a big problem, because due to the fact that children are not yet adults, not only because they do not work, but also cognitive abilities, that is, mental abilities, are different. They think differently, and it is not easy for them to survive in an adult environment where the laws of adults, invented by adults, apply, sometimes it is simply dangerous.
Finding children who have run away from their families is always accompanied by great emotions and risks, and this problem must be solved immediately.
In addition to relatives, the book includes one chapter that relates to conflict with friends. This is a rather difficult problem, which is also complicated by the fact that we sometimes treat friends differently, not like strangers, but, if not quite to our own, but close to it. Such conflicts are specific and always require a special approach.
We will also look at the main reasons, which are almost always the same when conflicts arise. Man, despite the complexity of his structure and the structure of the psyche, he is primitive, he has not changed for thousands of years, and those issues that have worried him for a long time are still worrying now.
You can read ancient dialogues that have been preserved, ancient history concerning human relationships, and more thoroughly study the fiction of the Middle Ages and the beginning of the nineteenth century in Russia, which is closer and more understandable for us. It will become clear that all the vices that modern society has, they existed even then. Of course, you need to read between the lines and understand the structure of communication, but regardless of the development of technology, a person does not change. We may even be worse off than we originally intended.
The emergence of new technologies does not change a person, they change the ways of communication, but internally people are the same as in the time of King Solomon or the times of other civilizations, about the existence of which we do not know what we can know, but do not know at all.
Man and humanity itself emerged much earlier than they begin to study in schools, starting with the study of Ancient Egypt, which represents a rather short time, compared to the total amount of time of human development.
These comments are important to understand how we will view conflicts, including conflicts in families and conflicts with relatives.
Labor and political conflicts will not be considered here, but, if only in passing, superficially. Because completely isolating the family from society is impossible in principle, it is simply impossible. Society affects the family, the family affects the person, but sometimes the person also affects the family, which subsequently affects society. The sequence can be different, and in different combinations and intensities.
People are waiting for paradise, but the presence of conflicts prevents them from feeling it during their lifetime. At the heart of any other conflict is an interpersonal conflict, and it pulls the train of all others. We will repeatedly address the main cause of all conflicts – these are different views on the world, on the world in the understanding of the universe.
The solution to many conflicts is to come to a common denominator, as in arithmetic. If it happens there automatically, at the level of clearly derived algorithms, it does not work with a person, a person is too complex a being, almost inexplicable.
If we start studying the workings of the brain, we will encounter a big problem when in reality we do not know how the human brain works and how human consciousness is created. If we can't say this for sure even with the current development of technology, then the interval of variations, that is, the interval of predestination of human actions, becomes quite large.
This is when one small change in a person's mood can affect his fate so much that the most powerful circumstances could not affect it.
The problem with a large number of conflicts is that people change, get an education, become sufficiently educated specialists, but for the household they will always remain conditionally "Kolenka" or "Olechka", and his opinion will have weight according to his age in his eyes, when he was 15 or 17 years old.
A large number of children leave home after finishing school, study, get a job, reach big bosses, but at home they are remembered for their parents and even brothers, as at the age of seventeen he fell off the fence on New Year's Day, for example.
They do not see his intellectual growth and development of intelligence, and, of course, there will be misunderstanding, and various logical arguments of the son based on scientific research will not be taken seriously.
Such a problem exists not only at the level of the family, but also at the level of the state, when they say that "there is no prophet in his Homeland." Do not treat your own people so respectfully, and the opinion of a stranger will always be higher. Where this came from, we can roughly assume, but the book is not about this now, we will just try to understand the problem, the causes of conflicts between relatives. Problems need to be reprimanded, hushed up and pretend that they do not exist, not the smartest idea.
Conflicts in the family
Society is changing, the family is changing, conflicts are changing, and methods of resolving conflicts in families are changing. Changing one subject or object of conflict or the conflict environment changes the algorithms and scenarios of possible further development of the conflict.
The most dangerous conflicts are when people do not shout, do not quarrel, but hold a grudge. This may be accompanied at some inopportune moment by so many problems that the participants in a possible conflict do not even know about it.
With regard to conflicts in the family, in particular, we will consider civil marriages in approximately the same way, when a guy and a girl live and run a joint household. If they don't live together, then they are just friends, because true love is experienced when living together.
Conflicts between a guy and a girl when they do not live together, we have included in a separate chapter, so it is necessary.
The form of relationships in modern families is so diverse that it is probably almost impossible to classify them all. Because conflicts in families at a distance, when a husband and wife do not see each other for work or other reasons for a long time, but at the same time love each other sincerely, proceed in a completely different way.
Sunday popes have become such an all-encompassing phenomenon that it is already becoming scary in terms of the scale of tragedies. I stand for a strong family, for a large number of children, preferably three or more. Of course, everyone decides for themselves what to do. This is such a complex topic, and it is strictly individual. This is the ideal model that everyone should strive for.
But in most cases, any conflict is a normal psychoemotional state of a person. At the same time, thought processes, critical thinking, and so on change. No conflict can make a person more intelligent than he was before, conflict can only blind him. We will not refer to this case the phrase that the conflict opened my eyes. This is already after the fact, and not at all about it.
Any conflict has a cause, something that starts it all. Sometimes the cause of the conflict is ephemeral, it seems that three years ago someone looked at another obliquely or looked at her. Resentment can increase, gain destructive power, and at some point destroy everything.
Therefore, to resolve a conflict, you always need to look for the cause. You can't cure a person if you don't know the diagnosis.
Husband (bad)
In this case, we will move away from the fact that the wife is sane, the husband is insane. A stressful situation that occurs during a conflict with your husband can only blind you, make you make the wrong decision, which most often happens.
The conflict between husband and wife is the most dangerous, because passion and money are often involved. This infernal mixture is capable of destroying everything, and it does. Passion and money can ruin the life of anyone, even two loving hearts.
Next, we'll go through the list.
Cheating husband
Cheating on a husband for a wife is a different factor for every woman, because male infidelity and female infidelity are different from the point of view of physiology, but from a moral point of view it is equally shameful.
It is necessary to understand why the man went to the left, as they say. Possible reasons may be sexual dissatisfaction, a desire to diversify when you want black bread. All the reasons may be different, but the essence remains the same. It leaves a scar in the other person's soul.
Two possible scenarios: when the wife knows about it or she knows. In the first case, it may be a more predictable event in the future and less explosive, because no one knows what will happen when it becomes obvious to the wife, what consequences or actions will follow after that, neither the husband nor the wife know.
We need to talk more, have a heart-to-heart conversation. You don't have to spend the whole day figuring out what words to use so that you can ask them in the evening after work and make it as painful as possible. Remember the promise in the registry office, when you promise that you will be together in joy and in sorrow together. Words whose value we lose lead to problems.
It is necessary to gather all the will in a fist and try to solve the problem, some tension in the relationship that leads to male infidelity.
We must not forget that, in addition to moral damage, you can get infected with quite dangerous infectious diseases, which in turn can lead to impotence, infertility or other chronic viral infections, infections that are incurable. One night out can ruin the rest of both of their lives, and even worse, if the wife starts cheating, the problem will only get worse.
Everything is interconnected on Earth, in one place if there is a problem, this problem is expanding, the negative multiplies faster and more globally than kindness.
Human behavior is dominated by the so-called ancient brain, the reptilian brain, which controls all instincts, such as hunger and getting food, the instinct to reproduce and sex. These instincts are impulsively stronger than a person's consciousness, and if a person is not able to control them, very negative actions from the point of view of morality and medicine, as well as the law, occur. A person's head is given to think, to weigh actions.
One of the great ones said that the need for sexual diversity arises from a not very high development of intelligence. Talk more, find common ground. If each person starts cheating on the other in retaliation, then it can start going on for quite a long time and will not end in anything, or rather, it will end in the same way. Someone will become a Sunday dad, someone will wait for alimony, and someone will live and grow up without one parent in the house.
Children who grow up in families where their parents are divorced are essentially orphans with living parents. The psyche deteriorates so much that it will sometimes be quite difficult to adapt to life.
When you are young, your rash actions can then be reflected in your old age. As you know, in life you have to pay for everything, so the question is not whether you can avoid punishment or not, but when it comes and how severe it will be.
Many philosophers and psychotherapists consider polygamy as a psychological disease, even as a mental illness, to be more precise, a deviation when a person seeks diversity for the same actions. A person may live with one for convenience, and then walk on the side. Everyone has their own interest.
It is better to give passion to each other than to be scattered so everywhere, there is no point in this at all. Learn to abstract in your problems, otherwise you can even drown in your thoughts, get confused.
Money
The fact that a man earns little or does not spend enough on his wife is quite common. This is no longer perceived as something eventful. Everyone is sure that this is normal, or rather, not normal.
Why did we decide to focus on money separately?
The presence or absence, or lack of money often leads to conflicts, sometimes so strong that they end up in divorce quite quickly.
The world has become so immersed in commodity-money relations that it has become a kind of fuel, the absence of which begins to anger the subjects of the economy. In this case, each person can be represented as a subject of the economy, since he does not have enough money.
It is necessary to proceed from the capabilities of the region and other circumstances that may limit wages.
Happy is not the one who has a lot, but the one who has enough. Minimalism during certain periods of life can sometimes be useful to think more conceptually about what is really important in life.
There is no point in continuing this chapter for too long, because everyone has a different attitude to money.
There is a saying that you need to earn more than save, but you need both in order for the positive balance to grow.
Families manage their household in different ways, some manage a joint budget, some try to distance themselves in this matter, and everyone spends more on themselves than on the joint budget. But there is a caveat that in this case, the joint budget will be smaller. Joint purchases should be discussed earlier and discussed. The language was invented by mankind not to quarrel, but to negotiate.
This chapter deals with the case when a husband becomes the instigator or problem for conflicts, because he earns either little or a lot, but does not spend on what his wife wants.
Make some tea, sit down, and talk. Why fight and show your ego? What is the point of perceiving the world that everyone is wrong?
If you really believe that your husband doesn't work because he doesn't want to, then you need to inspire him, and how you do this is up to you. This section of the book will not go to such tips, this is not exactly my specialty. But I think you understand what I meant, so I believe in you that you will succeed. Love each other more, and everything will work out for you.
Do not put pressure on the man, do not put pressure on him as a male and a breadwinner, in a good way. Restriction and pressure on a moral man leads to nervous breakdowns. He can not answer with words in contrast, men, in general, are poorly versed in intrigues and do not know how to build them. You can't use physical force under any circumstances, so he's chased like a wolf with a stick stuck in a cage, and he can't respond.
It is necessary to remember, because some qualities in him you liked before marriage, perhaps they need to be cherished and through them to form the right person. A man-a man, a breadwinner, in the sense that nature gave birth to him. Scandals lead to nothing, they destroy the will.
Watch the couples on the street, how they walk and how cute they communicate, and whether they do it in a feigned or heartfelt way. You don't need to try to be better, or rather, to appear better than you really are. This applies to both men and women. In extreme situations, you will show yourself as you really are, for this reason, you can be very upset at some point.
The psychology of a person is amazing when he does a lot of good things, tries to do the maximum that he is capable of, no one appreciates it or thinks it's normal, but the tension of nerve cells is not visible. As soon as he commits one small weakness or blunder, a huge lump of discontent falls on him, which can simply trample him.
You don't need to kill the good in a friend and trim their wings just because it's a fairly simple activity in terms of energy costs. For this reason, actions that require less effort are performed more often, even if they are negative. A person always wants to fill the void, so he tries to fill it with actions that in turn can affect the other negatively.
Breaking dishes is always easier than making it, creating it. If you want to throw out your emotions on your husband or spouse, it is better to go out into the yard and take a walk, you do not need to respond to the emotional claims of one spouse or spouse, because evil can only give rise to evil. Emotions are always bad, and the worst thing is that they can trigger a violent response in words or even physically.
We must remember that moral violence is the same as violence, and it is not necessary to use it. Words can kill, words can save. Choose the second option.
Different views
People are all different, so different that even with the maximum similarity of two twins, you will not find identical twins in character. And, growing up in the same family, eating the same mother's pies, different children from the same family come to the first grade. If, of course, metaphysically they could be connected, or rather synchronized, so that they arrived at the same time, then the differences will be enormous.
What should I do if this is the case, and what should I do to find a consensus? We need to talk, we need to communicate, because the value of a person, or rather society, and in this case of spouses is that they should complement each other, the shortcomings of one should cover the other, and vice versa. Otherwise, the competition on the topic of who will throw the slippers further often leads to negative consequences.
Different life priorities that can change a person so much that they become a different person. An idea rules the world, so an idea rules a person. If there are no common interests between husband and wife, then you need to look for them. It is generally accepted that a person is always the same as he was twenty years ago.
I will upset you, we change every minute, and more often every day we are different, and sitting on the same bench after lunch in the park, you will come up with different thoughts. And why? Because you have become different, and thoughts are just what drives you.
All the instincts to eat, drink, sleep, and make love-they come and go, although in terms of strength they predominate, because they are controlled by the ancient human brain, bypassing consciousness.
But these instincts just as easily disappear when a person reaches or receives them, and then a person begins to be guided by his inner worldview, his inner attitudes. They just define a good person and a bad one.
I do not want to be scattered in the process of reasoning about the nature of conflict among spouses, because there are different views, but I need to say very important information that the core of a person, its beginnings, they are often unchanged and can only change in stressful situations, such as war, death, illness, bankruptcy, and so on.
Therefore, when choosing a spouse, try to look deep into who they are in fact. If you choose him or her just because you feel good with him or her today, then tomorrow will be tomorrow, and new challenges can change a person beyond recognition, you have no idea.
You wonder why people become criminals if they all went to nurseries and ate the same applesauce when they were kids. In fact, all crimes are a collective product of our society. Because society has allowed it, because the criminal grows up in this society.
As one character in the movie "The Man from Boulevard des Capuchins" used to say, "Your problem is that you haven't met a good person along the way."
It is not necessary to sprinkle ashes on your head, but it is necessary to think about the fact that a loved one will do this or that, depending on what the other is doing. Every action has a consequence, and even inaction has an effect, so choose your words and actions carefully in each other's company.
If we look at different political, religious, metaphysical or some other issues, then, of course, this makes us even more different, which can lead to conflicts, and regular ones at that.
There is nothing worse than conflicts that eat away at your inner strength.
But, as you know, political views are extremely difficult to change, sometimes impossible, so initially you should know each other, who is your ideal or at least what life principles you adhere to. Believe me, this is more important than the fact that you liked the dress given to you yesterday. The dress will wear out, get frayed, and get thrown away, but the idea won't.
Bad habits of the husband
A person attracts bad things to himself better than good things, such is the nature of a person. But everyone knows the existence of useful habits, but it is not customary to talk about them, and therefore they remain out of fashion.
Bad habits of men they differ from the bad habits of women, firstly, because the needs are different. If you have noticed, we have divided the chapter concerning the family into two sub-chapters, where the husband and wife are considered separately.
It is important to understand that the bad habits of men in the modern world do not differ much from the bad habits of women, so the dilemma that requires separation in gender needs, and the realities that have blurred these habits, make you analyze the whole spectrum twice, but with a different view of what is happening.
As you know, different events look completely different from different angles of view.
Smoking occupies a huge number of percentages of those who are addicted to this harmful, absolutely harmful addiction.
Regarding the family budget, this is quite a big damage, so the indignation of the wife is quite justified, and secondhand smoke can kill and kills. You can search for the number of deaths from lung and laryngeal cancer per year in the world yourself, so we will not indicate this here, because the book is intended as a recommendation, not a static one. But the number of deaths from this addiction is huge, killing more than all wars. If you try to understand the meaning of the word "harmful", you will understand that it is formed from the word "ruin".
Alcohol is actually no less terrible means of killing the population, namely killing, because there is no safe dose of alcohol, and it affects the entire body, including not only fertility, but also inheritance on a fairly large scale.
I come from the last century, so I have an idea of what happened in the nineties and what is happening now. If you tell everything on the pages of this book, it will go to the section of criminology and narcology.
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