The Cowboy's Christmas Baby
Carolyne Aarsen
A Family for ChristmasNo one expected Erin McCauley to arrive in Saddlebank, Montana, with a baby…and no wedding ring. Especially not Dean Moore, who cared for Erin but knew the by-the-book girl would never go for a hard-living cowboy like him. While helping renovate Erin's new home, Dean realizes he's still in love with her—and with her beautiful daughter. As far as he's concerned, past mistakes don't have to define them—but guilt is holding Erin back from seeing that Dean is offering exactly what she's longing for. Because if she lets him, he'll give her the home—and the family—she's always wanted.
A Family For Christmas
No one expected Erin McCauley to arrive in Saddlebank, Montana, with a baby…and no wedding ring. Especially not Dean Moore, who cared for Erin but knew the by-the-book girl would never go for a hard-living cowboy like him. While helping renovate Erin’s new home, Dean realizes he’s still in love with her—and with her beautiful daughter. As far as he’s concerned, past mistakes don’t have to define them—but guilt is holding Erin back from seeing that Dean is offering exactly what she’s longing for. Because if she lets him, he’ll give her the home—and the family—she’s always wanted.
“It was a long trip.”
Dean heard a note of sorrow in Erin’s voice, and wondered precisely what had caused it.
“You drove all the way up from San Francisco?” he asked.
She nodded, shooting him a quick glance.
“So what were you doing there?” As if he didn’t know exactly what had kept her occupied all these years. Because somehow, in spite of all the girls between then and now, Erin had always hung, like a painting, in the back of his mind. Elusive and mysterious.
“Working as a graphic designer.”
He wanted to ask her more and fill in the gaps between the last time he saw her and now. Wanted to know what had put those shadows under the eyes of the sweet, innocent girl who had turned him down with a sad smile. A girl who’d told him he had to turn his life around.
Well, he had. Just too late for her, he guessed.
CAROLYNE AARSEN and her husband, Richard, live on a small ranch in northern Alberta, where they have raised four children and numerous foster children and are still raising cattle. Carolyne crafts her stories in an office with a large west-facing window, through which she can watch the changing seasons while struggling to make her words obey. Visit her website at carolyneaarsen.com (http://www.carolyneaarsen.com).
The Cowboy’s Christmas Baby
Carolyne Aarsen
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
In repentance and rest is your salvation.
In quietness and trust is your strength.
—Isaiah 30:15
To my sisters, Yolanda and Laverne.
Thanks for keeping me grounded.
And to my brother-in-law Jan, who bid on
the opportunity to be a part of this book.
Contents
Cover (#u41bd3cd0-5682-592e-89e0-bbc3cd05c836)
Back Cover Text (#u2f30f565-0e53-5c7e-b7a4-23a0ef7151ff)
Introduction (#u0c4ed733-bf29-5728-90a2-50fb93f7ba9c)
About the Author (#u3ee837b2-4c1f-56f7-8187-3aaa2c1f92b0)
Title Page (#u43131d27-7b2a-555a-800b-13c44bb682cb)
Bible Verse (#uc845f9c5-514f-5341-8312-c13d5b3f2576)
Dedication (#u5414cb24-067c-50d1-880e-1523bbcfffff)
Chapter One (#uccc344ae-fab8-59a8-b1ff-a1bbb4743feb)
Chapter Two (#u941f70b2-c91d-500e-981a-fb0a7e6ef29c)
Chapter Three (#u7d48c143-15fa-56b5-a0c8-65d0e1d6b5e7)
Chapter Four (#ua459c813-fcd9-5e06-b0d5-6721566f0748)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Dear Reader (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter One (#ua585a162-de2c-5783-9d5a-de5a7c102c64)
It looked comfortably the same.
Erin McCauley parked her car in front of the Grill and Chill on the main street of the town of Saddlebank and turned off her car, her ears ringing in the sudden silence.
Though she had arranged to meet her sisters, Lauren and Jodie, at the ranch, she’d thought of stopping at the café to grab a soda because she was parched.
Her thirst was only part of her reason for her detour.
The other was that each mile she clocked northward from California to Montana increased the shame of the last ten months digging its unwelcome claws deeper with every roll of her car’s tires. Now that she was so close she had to fight the urge to turn her car around and drive back south.
So she used the excuse of a pit stop to delay the inevitable surprise and questions.
I should have told them, she thought, her mind ticking back to a time when she was a more innocent girl walking down these very streets. I should have told Lauren and Jodie everything that was happening in my life.
They would know soon enough, she reflected, stretching her hands out, making a face at her chipped nail polish. She eased her stiff and sore body out of the car and looked around the town with a sense of nostalgia.
The same brick buildings lined the street but the trees in front of them had grown taller and many of the flags flapping from their standards looked new. A bench and a couple of tables stood on a sidewalk in front of the Grill and Chill, but otherwise it was still the town of her early childhood.
A cool wind sifted down the street, tossing some stray papers and tugging a few leaves off the trees. It was mid-September. The kids were back in school and soon the leaves would be changing color.
I’m almost home.
The words settled into a soul in need of the solidity of this place. A soul disillusioned by life and by people. A soul that had grown tougher the past year.
The door of the Grill and Chill opened and a tall, lean figure stepped out, dropped a cowboy hat on his head and painstakingly worked his way down the three steps leading to the sidewalk. He moved with a pronounced limp, though he didn’t look that old. His plaid shirt was sprinkled with sawdust. A leather belt and a large rodeo competition buckle cinched frayed, faded blue jeans that ended on scuffed cowboy boots with worn-down heels.
He was the real deal, Erin thought, mentally comparing him to the fake cowboys she’d seen advertised on billboards on her drive up here from San Francisco.
When he lifted his head sea-green eyes met hers and her world spun backward.
The face looking back at her was hardened by time, grown leaner over the years. Stubble shaded a strong jaw and his eyes were fanned by wrinkles from spending time outside. But Dean Moore still held that air of heedlessness. The tilt of his head, the angle of his battered cowboy hat showed her he still looked at the world like it was his for the taking.
Then he smiled, his eyes lit up and his features were transformed.
The old curl of attraction that she had always fought when she was around him gripped her heart. Her mouth, if it was possible, became even drier.
He walked toward her, his smile growing. “Hey, there. What are you doing here?”
Erin stared at him, surprised at his casual question. But to her consternation, even after all these years and all that had happened to her, he could still lift her heart rate. “I’m headed home,” she managed.
“Vic said you were too busy to come to town. I thought you were getting ready for a visit from your uptight sister, if you’ll pardon the little joke.”
And then realization dawned.
He thought she was Lauren. Her twin sister. And she knew the exact moment he realized this himself.
His mouth shifted, his eyes narrowed and he visibly withdrew.
Crazy that this bothered her. Dean was so far in the past he may as well have been a character in the fairy stories she had once loved reading and drawing pictures of.
“My apologies. I thought you were—”
“Lauren,” she finished for him. “Sorry. I’m Erin. The uptight sister.”
He frowned as he assimilated this information, his hands slipping into the back pocket of his worn blue jeans. “Jodie and Lauren said you were coming this evening.” He didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed of himself.
“I’m early. Heavy foot.”
He was silent a beat, as if still absorbing the reality of her presence. “So. How’ve you been?”
She wanted to make some glib remark about what he’d said about her character but didn’t have the energy so she simply went with “Fine. I’m fine.”
“Right.” He gave her a tight smile, visibly retreating.
She shouldn’t be too surprised at his reaction or what he’d said about her. Every time he’d asked her out the summers she spent on her father’s ranch, she’d turned him down. He was a rough-living young man who rode hard, drank hard and played hard.
And yet, there had always been something about him that appealed. Some measure of self-confidence and brash self-awareness she knew she lacked.
In spite of the attraction she’d felt, her practical self had told her that Dean Moore was not the kind of man a good Christian girl wanted in her life.
And now?
She was hardly the sweet, innocent girl who’d left Saddlebank all those years back. Hardly walking with her Lord like she used to. She’d turned away from God nine months ago. When she’d found out she would be a single mother.
“So, you headed to the ranch?” Dean asked.
“Eventually. I thought I’d make a quick stop at the Grill and Chill.” Her mouth was even drier than before. Some soda or tea and a few moments to settle her nerves before seeing her sisters was just what she needed.
“Okay. Well, I’ll see you around.”
She held his gaze a beat longer, surprised at the twinge of attraction he still created. The usual battle of her head and heart, she thought. Drawn to the wrong kind of person.
Then a muffled cry from the car pulled her attention away from him and to her baby still tucked in her carrier in the backseat.
Erin opened the door and took a second to inhale the sweet scent of baby powder and Caitlin’s shampoo. With a gentle finger she stroked her baby’s tender cheek, still amazed at the rush of love this tiny infant could pull from her. Six weeks ago she’d come into Erin’s life and since then regardless of the exhaustion and confusion that dragged at her every day, Caitlin had been a bright spot in a life that had, of late, had some dark and hard valleys.
Erin grabbed the muslin blanket from beside her and laid it over top so her baby wouldn’t be exposed to the wind or the sun, then gently pulled the seat free, tucking her arm under the handle and straightening.
Dean still stood there, frowning as if still trying to absorb the reality of her situation. His puzzlement grew as he glanced from the car seat hanging on her arm to her ringless left hand.
Yes, I am a single mother, she wanted to say, and no, this was not in my long-term plan when I left here that summer. After turning you down yet again.
Their gazes locked for a few heartbeats more as if acknowledging a shared past.
As she closed the door of the car he touched the brim of his hat in a surprisingly courtly gesture, then turned and left, his steps uneven, his one leg hitching with every movement.
She guessed this was from his rodeo accident almost a year back. Lauren had alluded to it in the texts they had exchanged the past few months.
Sadness winged through her. How much had changed for both of them since that summer, all those years ago.
She took a few steps almost getting bowled over by a young woman.
“Hey, Dean, wait up,” the woman called and while Erin watched she ran up to him, tucking her arm in his. She was slender, tall, her brown hair shining in the sunlight, her trim figure enhanced by a snug tank top and denim pants. “You coming to the dance on Friday night? I was hoping you’d save a waltz for me.” She slid a red-painted fingernail down his arm. Her head tipped to one side as she obviously flirted with him.
Erin recognized Kelly Sands, a girl a few years younger than both of them, daughter of a local, wealthy rancher. She remembered Kelly as a somewhat spoiled girl who loved a good time more than she loved the consequences of it.
“I doubt I’ll be going to any dance,” Erin heard Dean say, his voice gruff.
“Oh, c’mon. It will be fun. We can hang out. Like old times.”
Then for some reason Dean glanced back at her and Erin saw herself through his eyes.
Hair pulled up in a sloppy bun. T-shirt with a ketchup stain from when she held Caitlin while trying to wolf down a hot dog. Yoga pants worn for comfort and ease of movement and flip-flops for the same reason.
Yeah. Not so much to compare to.
Then just as Erin was about to step into the café Kelly turned to see where Dean was looking. She frowned her puzzlement and then suddenly her smile grew brighter. “Hey, Erin. Wow. I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“It’s been a few years,” Erin admitted, her pride stung that while Kelly, who barely knew her, could see the difference between her and Lauren and Dean couldn’t.
“And look at you. With a baby.” Kelly let go of Dean’s arm and scurried over, lifting the cloth covering the car seat. “Oh, my goodness. She’s adorable.” Kelly looked up at her. “I’m guessing from the pink sleeper she’s a girl.”
“Yes. She is.”
“I didn’t know you were married,” Kelly continued, covering Caitlin again and, as Dean had, looking at her left hand.
Erin didn’t want to blush or feel a recurrence of the shame that she struggled to deal with.
So she looked Kelly straight in the eye. “I’m not.”
The girl released a surprised laugh, as if she didn’t believe her. “Really? You of all people?”
Erin wasn’t going to dignify that with a response so she simply kept her chin up, figuratively and literally, and held Kelly’s gaze, saying nothing.
“I guess people really do change,” Kelly said. Then with a dismissive shrug of her shoulder she walked back to Dean. “And I’ll see you on Saturday,” she told him, her hand lingering on his arm.
Erin pulled her gaze away, wondering why she cared who Dean hung out with. But as she looked over at the door of the Grill and Chill, Dean’s reaction lingered, as did Kelly’s comment.
If she went inside she would probably meet someone she knew. And face more of what she’d just dealt with.
She couldn’t handle more censure, puzzled glances and assumptions.
So in spite of the thirst parching her throat, she put Caitlin back in the car.
Then she headed home.
* * *
“Just drop me off at home,” Dean said as Vic turned off Main Street, heading toward the highway and the Rocking M. “I don’t feel like coming with you to Lauren’s place.”
“Home is twenty miles out of the way.” Vic shot his brother a questioning glance. “And I promised Lauren I’d get these groceries to her as soon as possible. I guess Erin is supposed to be arriving late this afternoon.”
Actually, she would be there sooner.
But Dean wasn’t going to mention that to Vic. He was still absorbing the shock seeing Erin had given him. He still didn’t know how he had mistaken her for Lauren.
Though they were twins, Lauren’s eyes were gray; Erin’s a soft blue. Lauren’s hair was blonder, Erin’s held a tinge of copper. And Erin had always had a quiet aloofness that he’d viewed as a constant challenge.
Seeing her again so easily erased the years since they were last together. One look into those blue eyes and once again he was the brash young man who was willing to take another chance at rejection from Erin McCauley. Once again he felt the sting of her steady refusals.
And then she’d pulled the car seat out of the back of the car and he felt as if his world had spun in another direction.
He hadn’t known she had a baby. Or that she was married, though she wasn’t wearing a ring. Neither Lauren nor Jodie mentioned a husband.
When he’d taken a closer look at her, he’d seen the hollowness of her cheeks, a dullness to her eyes. When she’d told Kelly she wasn’t married his world took another tumble.
Erin McCauley was always the unobtainable. Elusive. He had always known she was too good for him. And now, here she was. A single mother.
“I want to get working on that toolshed I promised Mom I’d finish,” he said, wishing he could forget about Erin, frustrated at the effect she had on him. “And I’m tired.”
He hoped his brother would accept his excuse and drive out of his way to bring Dean home but he doubted it. Vic was still in that glazed-eye stage of romance and would take advantage of any chance to see his fiancée.
“Tired and sullen from the sounds of things,” Vic said with a laugh. “I’m sure Mom won’t care if you’re a day late on the shed. Besides, you didn’t have to come to town with me today. I wouldn’t have minded if you checked the cows in the higher pasture.”
“They were okay when you rode up there last week. I doubt much has changed.”
“We’ve always checked them regularly,” Vic said but Dean ignored the comment. He had accepted Vic’s invitation to go to town precisely because he felt grumpy and guilty about not checking the cows. But he had hoped Vic wouldn’t nag him about not riding.
Dean hadn’t been on a horse since that bad toss off a saddle bronc that had shattered his leg and put his dreams of a rodeo career on hold. Vic had been at him to continue his therapy, to cowboy up and get back on the horse.
But Dean wasn’t about to admit to his brother why he didn’t do either.
“I know we do, but I was busy. That’s why I want to get working on that shed for Mom.” He knew he was wasting his argument but couldn’t give up without one last push. He really didn’t want to see Erin again. Especially not after he’d made that stupid joke about Lauren’s “uptight” sister.
“Then the shed is two days late instead of one.” Vic shrugged, turning onto the highway heading toward the Circle M ranch where Lauren and Jodie were waiting for their sister.
If they did a quick drop-off he and Vic could be on their way home before Erin arrived. When he’d met her it looked as if she was headed into the Grill and Chill so there was a possibility.
But Vic was whistling some vague country song, which meant his brother was happy about seeing his fiancée again. Which meant Dean would have to watch Lauren and Vic give each other those stupid, secret smiles. And the occasional kiss.
He was happy for his brother. Truly.
But ever since his girlfriend Tiffany broke up with him, less than twenty minutes before the ride he’d injured himself on, Dean had struggled with a combination of anger and betrayal.
Being dumped just before a ride that could have put him on the road to a major title was bad enough. Finding out that she was leaving him for his brother, whom she’d had a secret crush on the whole time they were dating only added insult to the actual injury he’d been dealt.
The fact that Vic and Tiffany hadn’t gotten together after the accident helped, but knowing his girlfriend preferred his brother over him still stung.
And now Erin was in back town. Erin who seemed to prefer anyone to him.
Every summer since their parents’ divorce, Erin had come from Knoxville to Saddlebank to stay with her father. And every summer, from the time they were both fifteen, he’d asked her out. And every time she’d turned him down. Thankfully his ego was more intact then. He kept thinking that his dogged persistence would do the trick, but when she told him the last time he asked her that she didn’t approve of his lifestyle and didn’t approve of him, he got the message.
He knew sweet Erin McCauley was above his pay-grade and that she frowned upon his ever-increasing rowdiness, but at that time in his life obstacles had just seemed like challenges he could overcome. And Erin, with her gentle smile and kind nature, was exactly that kind of challenge. One that he’d lost.
He’d had girlfriends since then but deep down he always compared them to her.
His gold standard.
And now?
Pain twinged through his leg and he shifted it, grimacing as he did. Now he had even less to offer her or any other woman. A crippled ex-bronc rider trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life.
“So what does Jan have you working on these days?” Vic asked, pulling him from the melancholy memories.
“We’re finishing up a hay shed for the Bannisters and there’s a big job coming up in Mercy I’m hoping to get in on.”
“You still enjoy the work?”
“It’s work,” Dean said carefully knowing that his brother was fishing. Again. Feeling him out about coming in as a partner on the ranch. That had always been the plan when Vic made a deal with Keith McCauley to lease his ranch. Then came the accident that changed so much for Dean. Now he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore or where he fit. Rodeo was off the table and he didn’t know how much of an asset he could be to Vic.
If he couldn’t ride a horse.
“Once Erin comes back Lauren and Jodie can make a final decision about the Circle M. And I was hoping you would make one, too,” Vic returned.
“I thought their dad said in his will that only two of them had to stay two months.” When Keith McCauley died his will stipulated that two of the girls had to stay two months on the ranch in order for all three to inherit.
“Lauren and Jodie both fulfilled the conditions of their dad’s will, that’s true, but I think they just want to talk it over with Erin. Out of courtesy.” Vic waited a beat, then shot him a glance. “And once that’s done, we need to make a decision about you coming in with me as a partner.”
“I know. I need some time.” Dean shifted in his seat again, stifling his frustration as he watched the fields flowing past.
“You’ve had time. This was the plan,” Vic continued, his voice holding an edge of anger. “We talked about it before I approached Keith McCauley to lease the ranch from him, and now that it’s pretty much a go I want to expand the herd. But I can’t do that if I can’t get a commitment from you.”
Dean knew he was stalling and understood his brother’s exasperation. Ranching together had been their plan for the past ten years. When he’d dated Tiffany he’d imagined his life with her in the little house on one corner of the Circle M Ranch, tucked up against the river.
He had been working for Jan Peter for a couple of years as a carpenter and had already planned the renos he was going to do on the house after he and Tiffany got married.
But those dreams had been busted in two decisive moments. When Tiffany broke up with him and when he smashed his leg half an hour later.
“Lauren and I are getting married soon,” Vic continued. “I need to know where we’re at. If I need to bring in another partner or if you’re still part of this.”
“I know and I appreciate that you’ve been willing to wait,” Dean said, staring ahead at the road flowing past rolling fields toward the mountains cradling the valley. “But I’m not sure where I belong anymore.”
“What do you mean? You belong here. You’re a rancher. It’s your legacy and it’s in your blood.”
Dean released a humorless laugh. “And what kind of rancher can’t ride a horse?”
Vic looked back at the road, his one hand tapping his thigh as if restraining his impatience. “You just need to try again.”
Dean’s mind ticked back to the last time he tried to get on a horse. Vic had come upon him trying to mount up. He wanted to help and they’d had a fight. Dean had wanted to try on his own and his brother didn’t think he could. Trouble was, Vic was right. And though he had come across all tough and independent, truth was he was scared spitless and secretly thankful for the chance to walk away.
“And lots of ranchers don’t ride horses,” Vic continued. “They use their trucks or quads—”
“You can’t take a quad up into the high pasture or the back country. We both know that,” he said, his voice hard. “Ranchers in this country ride horses. Simple as that.”
And Vic’s silence told Dean that his brother knew he was right.
“You’ll ride again” was all Vic said.
Dean wished he had his sibling’s optimism. Because right about now, he felt as if both Vic and his boss, Jan, were merely helping him out. Giving the poor cripple a hand up.
He wasn’t used to that. He was used to being independent and doing things on his own. Like he had up until the accident.
And now they were going to see his brother’s fiancée and the girl he’d once cared for. And he was coming as half a man.
Chapter Two (#ua585a162-de2c-5783-9d5a-de5a7c102c64)
This was it.
Erin slowed as she headed down the driveway and made the final turn. She saw the house situated on the hill, overlooking the fields and the mountains beyond, and felt the land wrap itself around her heart and stake its claim.
She wanted to stop and take it in.
But Caitlin had been fussing ever since her aborted stop in Saddlebank and Erin never had gotten that drink.
She headed toward the house, parking beside a couple of smaller cars. She didn’t recognize one but guessed it was Jodie’s from the stickers on the windows and the beads hanging from the rearview mirror. The other one she knew to be Lauren’s. Plus, in spite of the dust on the road, it gleamed in the afternoon sun. Lauren always liked things orderly and tidy.
Caitlin was screaming by the time she shut the engine off. Erin jumped out, quickly unclipping her car seat, grabbing the diaper bag.
The door of the house burst open as she headed up the walk and Jodie and Lauren spilled out, arms wide, calling out her name.
And then stopped dead in their tracks staring at the car seat she lugged up the walk, Caitlin now howling her protest from within.
“Hey, guys. Can you take her? I’m parched.” Erin unceremoniously thrust the car seat toward Lauren, gave Jodie a quick smile and rushed into the house, not even bothering to look behind her. She knew she was being a coward but she really was dying of thirst.
And she needed a moment.
She ran to the bathroom, turned the tap on and gulped down a glass of water. Then another. As she lowered the cup she caught her reflection in the mirror. Hollow cheeks, sallow complexion and hair that looked like she had been attacked by an angry squirrel. Of course Dean would have to see her like that.
And why do you care?
She cared because even though Dean was eminently unsuitable and definitely not her type, he’d always held an undeniable appeal. He represented a part of her that sometimes yearned to be cool. Accepted. Independent.
Well, you’re not, she told herself, finger-combing her hair and with quick, practiced movements, tying it up in a loose topknot.
Sam liked it when she wore it down. And since she’d broken up with him, she’d deliberately started wearing it up.
Besides, that way Caitlin couldn’t grab it.
A faint wail resounded from the living room and then the sound of her sisters hushing her baby.
She held the edges of the counter, dizziness washing over her. She blamed it on a combination of not eating for the past twelve hours and the nerves holding her in a steady grip all the way home.
She splashed some water on her heated cheeks, patted them dry, sucked in a long breath and left to face her sisters.
As she walked around the corner she felt a sense of coming home. To her left was her father’s office, to her right the kitchen where she and her sisters had spent a lot of time cooking and baking and trying out recipes. Things they were never allowed to do at their grandmother’s house back in Knoxville where they lived ten months of the year.
The living room lay ahead with its soaring ceilings and large windows that let in so much light. The huge stone fireplace dominated the one wall but no fire burned in it now.
Jodie sat on the loveseat cradling Caitlin in her outstretched arms. Lauren sat beside her, Caitlin’s tiny fingers clutching hers.
“You are just the sweetest little thing,” Jodie continued, bending over to nuzzle her cheeks.
Erin’s heart softened at the sight of her sisters so obviously in love with her baby.
And the one thought threading through her mind was, We’re not alone anymore.
Lauren sensed her presence and looked behind her, her smile stiffening as Erin came nearer. But then she stood and walked around the couch, her arms open wide.
Erin stepped directly into her twin sister’s embrace, fighting down the surprising and unwelcome tears as Lauren hugged her. Hard. Tight.
“Oh, sweetie. What has been happening in your life?” Lauren murmured.
Erin simply clung to her sister unable to find the words.
She was the first to pull away scrubbing at her cheeks, thankful that she hadn’t bothered to put on any makeup.
“Sorry. I just...” She looked at her sister and gave her a watery smile. “I missed you.”
Lauren cupped her face in her hands and brushed a gentle kiss over her forehead. “Missed you, too, Rinny.”
The pet name was almost her undoing again.
But then Jodie stood, shifting Caitlin in her arms, grabbing Erin in a one-armed hug. “Hey, sis,” she said, pressing her cheek against hers. “Love this little girl.”
Erin pulled in a shaky breath and struggled to keep her composure. All the way up here she’d been nervous and afraid of what she would see in her sisters’ eyes. But now that she had arrived and her sisters had met Caitlin, she felt a loosening of the tension gripping her the past few months.
“I love her, too,” she whispered, stroking her daughter’s cheek.
They were all quiet for the space of a few heartbeats, each connected by this precious baby.
“So...” Lauren let the word drag out and Erin knew the moment of reckoning had arrived.
Then a door slammed and a male voice boomed into the quiet, “Grocery delivery,” and Erin felt a temporary reprieve.
She turned to see Vic walking into the room, half a dozen plastic bags slung from his hands. He was as tall as Dean, his hair lighter with a bit of curl, his features softer and a brightness to his eyes that Dean didn’t have.
He dropped the bags on the counter, then looked over the girls. He did a double take as he saw Erin, then released a huge grin.
“So you finally made it,” Vic said, walking over to her. “Your coming was all Lauren and Jodie have been talking about the past week.”
Then Vic surprised her by pulling Erin close in a quick embrace. “Welcome back to the ranch,” he said, resting his hands on her shoulder. Then he turned to Lauren and brushed a quick kiss over her cheek. “And good to see you, my dear.”
“And you brought the groceries.” Lauren gave him a quick hug. “Well done.”
Vic placed a hand over his chest. “You know me. I have a servant heart.”
Erin watched their casual give-and-take, thankfulness welling up at the sight. Lauren had had her own struggles, as well. Being left at the altar by a man she’d given so much of her life to had soured her on men. To see her so relaxed with Vic gave Erin a glimmer of hope for happy endings.
At least for her sisters. Herself, not so much.
Then Vic noticed Caitlin in Jodie’s arms. “Well, well. Is there something I missed?” Vic joked, grinning at Jodie. “Something you want to tell me?”
His comment was meant in fun but shame flickered through Erin.
“Don’t tell Finn.” Jodie gave Vic a wink and then shot Erin a meaningful glance.
“She’s my daughter,” Erin said, the words echoing in the house. The same house that often held the condemning voice of their father, reminding the girls to behave. Be good.
And I was. I was always good, Erin told herself, clenching her hands, fighting down the disgrace she’d struggled with ever since she saw that plus sign on the home pregnancy kit.
Vic’s puzzled stare just underlined her own shame. Then the porch door closed again, echoing in the silence that followed and Dean came into the room.
Don’t see the man for twelve years and then twice in one day. Just her luck.
Dean’s shadowed gaze ticked from her to her sisters as he set a couple of grocery bags on the counter, then the baby Jodie still held, then finally back to Erin. He gave her a quick nod. “Hey, again,” he said, taking off his hat and dropping it beside the bags. “Didn’t think you’d beat us here.”
“I changed my mind about going to the Grill and Chill,” she said.
His smile tightened and she wondered if he had hoped to arrive and leave before she came.
“So. You have a baby,” Vic said, stating the obvious.
Erin took her from her sister, cradling her close. “I do. She’s six weeks old and her name is Caitlin.”
She didn’t have to look at her sisters to read the questions that hovered ever since she’d thrust her daughter into their arms. She had been in and out of touch for the past half year and hadn’t even come to their father’s funeral. She had been on bed rest and couldn’t travel.
But every time she picked up her phone to tell Jodie and Lauren, every time she wrote up a text to explain why, she’d gone with inane details instead. The truth would take hours and pages.
Plus she just couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions about the circumstances and the baby’s father.
“Do you guys want some coffee?” Jodie asked, her voice artificially bright.
“I’m good.”
“Sure. That’d be nice.”
Dean and Vic spoke at the same time then looked at each other. “We can stay for a while,” Vic said, tilting his brother a questioning look.
Dean shook his head and Erin guessed he was about as comfortable around her as she was around him.
You’d think all those years would have eased the awkwardness, Erin thought, rocking Caitlin. It was as if she and Dean were back in those unwieldy high school years when emotions were heightened and judgments abounded.
But now, it felt as if the roles were reversed. She didn’t know where Dean was at in his life, but she wasn’t the girl she once was. The girl who thought herself too good for Dean Moore.
“I think we should let the sisters spend some time together,” Dean said. “We should go.”
Vic looked like he didn’t want to agree.
“And I’m sure Lauren and Jodie want to get to know their niece,” Dean added.
His voice held an odd tone and she shot a quick glance his way to figure out what he meant. But he wasn’t looking at her.
She didn’t know why that bothered her. It was like she wasn’t there.
“Okay. We’ll push off then,” Vic said, giving Lauren another brief kiss. “I’ll call you tonight.”
Lauren’s soft smile for Vic gave Erin a tinge of jealousy. She was happy for her sister. Happy her life had come to this good place. But it was hard not to wonder what her own future looked like.
Just before Dean left, his eyes drifted to Erin once more and for a heartbeat their gazes held.
She wasn’t sure what to read into his enigmatic expression.
Didn’t matter, she thought, cradling her head over Caitlin. She had other priorities and another focus.
Dean Moore’s opinion of her wouldn’t affect her at all.
* * *
“I should change Caitlin,” Erin muttered, looking around for the diaper bag, as the guys left.
“Here’s what you want,” Lauren said, bending over and picking up the bag from where it lay beside Caitlin’s car seat.
“I’ll be right back,” Erin said, once again retreating to the washroom. She didn’t linger, however, and made quick work of changing her daughter’s wet diaper. Caitlin’s eyes were drawn to the lights above the sink and as she kicked her bare legs Erin felt again that wave of love. This tiny baby was so amazing.
“Love you so much,” she whispered as she picked her fragile body up and held her close.
Lauren was pouring water into the coffeemaker when she came back and Jodie was putting together a plate of snacks. Cheese and crackers and cookies.
Her favorite white chocolate macadamia nut, from what Erin could see.
“Just go sit down,” Lauren said, turning on the coffeemaker and then setting out some mugs.
Erin walked into the living room and dropped into the nearest couch, finally giving in to the weariness that had fuzzed her brains and dragged at her limbs. She leaned back into the chair as she cradled her now-quiet daughter in her arms, letting herself absorb the familiarity of this place. She knew Lauren and especially Jodie had resented coming here those summers of their youth, after their parents’ divorce, but she’d always enjoyed it in spite of their taciturn father.
“You look tired,” Jodie said as she brought the plate to the living room.
“I am. Been driving most of today. It’s a good thing Caitlin was so well behaved for most of the trip.”
She glanced around the room, then frowned as she noticed an empty space in one corner of the living area. “Did you sell your piano?”
“No. We moved it to Finn’s place. A tuner was in Saddlebank to work on the church’s piano so we thought we would take the opportunity to move and tune mine while he was around.” Jodie sat down beside Erin, her hand reaching to touch Caitlin, now swathed in her linen blanket. “She’s so perfect,” she breathed, her finger trailing over her tender cheek.
Erin’s throat tightened up. The words she had rehearsed all the way here now seemed pointless and superficial in the face of her sister’s acceptance. Then Lauren sat down across from her, her hands clasped between her knees, her blond hair hanging loose around her classical features.
“You look amazing,” she said to Lauren. “I think being engaged agrees with you. Congratulations, by the way. I’m happy for you. For both of you.” Erin turned to Jodie, encompassing her younger sister in her congratulations as well. “I never thought a free spirit like you would end up marrying a sheriff.”
Jodie released a light laugh. “Me, neither. Though Finn isn’t a sheriff like Dad was. He’s a deputy, but he’s quitting in a year. Hoping to focus on horse training, which is his first love. I don’t know if you remember him. He stayed with the Moores when his mother took off on him.”
“Vaguely.” Erin hadn’t gotten too involved with many of the people in Saddlebank. When she was here, she had spent a lot of her time on the ranch walking in the hills, or riding. The ten months they lived in Knoxville, where their mother moved them after her parents’ divorce, were always a dissonant time for her. While her sisters loved being in Knoxville, and disliked being on the ranch the two months a year they were sent here by their grandmother after their mom died, she was the opposite. Though their grandmother tried, Erin knew it must have been difficult for her to raise three grandchildren. Erin, of all the children, seemed to sense the tension more keenly than her sisters did.
So when they were shipped off to the ranch to be with their father, who reluctantly took them in, Erin found a peace that eluded her sisters. She would faithfully do the chores assigned to them by their father before he went off to his job as sheriff of Saddlebank County, then literally head to the hills with her sketchbook. She loved her time alone with her thoughts.
And her God.
She stopped reminiscing, turning to Lauren again. “Speaking of the Moores, I certainly didn’t think a cowboy like Vic was your type, either. You always were so businesslike. So proper and—”
“Stick in the mud.” Lauren laughed as she brushed her hair back from her face, gold hoops swinging from her ears. “You can say it. I was.”
“That’s not what I wanted to say,” Erin objected. “I meant, you were always so focused and so self-disciplined.”
“Qualities I get to apply to running Aunt Laura’s flower shop right in Saddlebank now that she’s retiring.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re taking it over,” Erin said. “I have such good memories of that place.”
“Her home and store was a sanctuary for us,” Lauren said with a gentle sigh. “And we needed that from time to time. Though I think Jodie and I managed to find some peace the past few months. Since Dad died.”
Erin felt it again. The tug of unmet expectations. The sorrow she’d felt when she heard her father had died and she couldn’t come to the funeral.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t come,” she said, struggling once again with her shame. “I do want to visit his grave when we have a chance.”
“We’ll go there. On Sunday.”
Which meant she was expected to attend church.
However she wasn’t getting into that now. They had other things to discuss.
“He also wrote us each a letter when he found out he was dying,” Jodie said, laying her hand on Erin’s shoulder. “There’s one for you, too. I found them in the house when I was cleaning up.”
Erin looked down at Caitlin, wondering what their straightlaced, overly strict father would have said about his first grandchild. Born out of wedlock.
And more.
“I’d like to read it. But later.” She had to get through this first hurdle—trying to find a way to explain to her sisters what had happened to her.
“Yes. Later,” Jodie agreed.
A beat of silence followed and Erin knew that while they had much to catch up on, her baby was, for lack of a better metaphor, the elephant in the room that could no longer be ignored.
“So, this is Caitlin, like I said before,” she began, pleased her voice came out so steady. “She’s six weeks old. I was on bed rest for two months before her birth. That’s why I didn’t come to Dad’s funeral. I cut back on my graphic design work so I could focus on her.” The words came out stilted. Cold. As if she related the events of someone else’s life. “She was a Caesarean birth, which meant another few weeks of rest and taking it easy.”
And another few weeks of putting off what she knew she had to have done many months earlier, when she discovered she was pregnant.
Tell her sisters.
It wasn’t until she knew they weren’t selling the ranch that she finally dared to return. Finally thought she might have a place to create a home for herself and her daughter.
And she knew exactly where that would happen.
“Oh, honey. You should have told us,” Lauren said, hitting her directly in the guilt zone.
“I didn’t know how to tell you I got pregnant.” Erin cuddled Caitlin closer, fighting to maintain her composure, frustrated at the sorrow that threatened. She didn’t want to feel sorry for herself. She had made her own choices and was living with the consequences. She didn’t want Caitlin to even sense she might have regretted having her. “I didn’t know where Jodie was living,” she continued, swallowing down her tears. “You were dealing with the aftermath of Harvey leaving you days before your wedding. I knew how devastating that was for you so I didn’t think you needed my troubles. I was trying to handle this on my own.”
No one said anything as the grandfather clock ticked off the seconds, then boomed the hour.
“And now you’re here.” Jodie put her hand on Erin’s shoulder. “I’m glad you came.”
“I am, too.” Erin gave her sister a careful smile. “Once I found out you girls weren’t selling the ranch I felt like I had a place to come back to.”
“It is your home,” Lauren said. “Though, in our defense when we talked about selling it you said you didn’t care either way.”
“If you sold it, I would have figured something else out. But knowing this place was available to me. That I had a share in it...” She let the sentence trail off.
“You felt like you had a home,” Jodie finished for her.
Erin nodded. “I know you girls didn’t always like coming here over the summer, but for me it was comfortable.”
“You and your long forays into melancholy,” Lauren teased.
Erin laughed, thankful for the gentle return to lightness and comfort.
“And I’m going to ask the other awkward question,” Jodie said, her hand still resting on Erin’s shoulder. “Is Caitlin’s father involved?”
Erin bit her lip trying to find the right way to tell them. “We aren’t together anymore.”
“Is he supporting you in any way?”
Was that a faintly chiding tone in Jodie’s voice or was she being especially sensitive?
“He is not interested,” she said firmly. “And I don’t want to have anything more to do with him. It’s...what we had...is over.”
She was skating on the very edge of vague but her response and her vehemence seemed to satisfy her sisters. She simply couldn’t deal with the past. She wanted to move forward into the new place she had found herself.
Caitlin stirred in her arms and Erin held her closer, as if protecting her. Too easily she recalled the look on Sam’s face when she’d given him the news. She’d thought he would be happy. Thought he would finally make a decision about their relationship.
Instead the fury on his face and the check he wrote out to her to pay for an abortion had cut her to the core. And when she found out he was married already, her world tilted so far over she didn’t think she would ever find her footing. She’d walked away and never contacted him again.
Now she was here and ready to look ahead and leave the past behind her.
“Well, you have us,” Lauren said, leaning forward. “And you have a share in the ranch. Vic and I discussed the situation and he’ll be talking to his banker about buying your third of the ranch out to give you some cash.”
Erin knew she was entitled to a portion of the ranch and had already planned what she wanted. “The only thing I want is the Fletcher house. I want that to be my home.”
“But, honey, you can stay here. In this house,” Lauren said, sounding hurt.
“No. You and Vic will be living here. I don’t want to be in the way.”
Lauren didn’t reply, which confirmed Erin’s guess.
“We can figure out what the house and a few acres of it are worth and I’ll take that as my share of the ranch.” Erin looked down at Caitlin as a slow peace sifted over the chaos that had rocked her life for the past half year. “I just want a place of my own. A place I can be alone.”
“That’s fine and we can deal with the other details later on,” Lauren agreed. “But the house you want to move into will need work.”
“So I’ll do it.”
“You’re a graphics designer, not a carpenter.”
“I know a few things about building.” Erin chuckled at her sister’s incredulous look. “I learned a lot rehabbing the house my roommates and I lived in.”
“Well, yes. You said that in some of your texts,” Jodie agreed. “But—”
“You just can’t imagine that your daydreaming sister can concentrate long enough to handle a skill saw. You should see some of the work I’ve done.”
They hadn’t of course. Jodie was running around, trying to find herself, playing piano in bars and looking for some kind of peace. Lauren was following her ex-fiancé Harvey around, looking for some kind of commitment.
All the while Erin had been looking for a home. A place to settle down and a man to settle down with. When she bought the house with her friends and started dating Sam she thought she’d found at least both.
She stopped her thoughts from heading down that dead-end road.
“At any rate, we should to talk to Jan Peter about this,” Lauren insisted. “The local carpenter.”
“Let me see the house first,” Erin said. “I know moving in with you is the more practical option but I’ve been living on top of three roommates for the past year. If it’ll work for me to live there while the work is going on, I don’t mind.”
“But what about Caitlin? Should you move her into the house?”
“We’ll look at it first, then I’ll decide for sure. But at this stage Caitlin tends to be oblivious to what’s going on. Sleeps like a baby,” she joked.
Erin didn’t miss the sidelong glances Jodie and Lauren shared. Spacey Erin, making inappropriate jokes.
“I’ll talk to Vic and Dean about it,” Lauren said. “We could see what they say.”
Erin knew staying in this house with Lauren was her best option but she couldn’t shake the need for some quiet. For a place to put down some roots.
“Another thing, I’ll need to get internet service up and running,” she said. “I want to get working as soon as possible.”
“Do you have work?”
Erin looked away from responsible Lauren to her younger sister Jodie who probably better understood that life could be erratic at times. That plans get messed up.
“I’ve just started up again.” She glanced down at her daughter. “I had...Caitlin and a few other things to deal with. But I’ve got a few bites on some feelers I put out.”
“I’m sure you’ll be back at it in no time.” Jodie gave her a one-armed hug and leaned closer to Caitlin, cupping her tiny shoulder with one hand. “And now you’ve got help.”
Erin felt tears threaten at the thought that she wasn’t on her own anymore. But she wasn’t going to let herself get pulled into the pity vortex. She had made her own choices. Made her own bed.
Now she had to lie in it.
Chapter Three (#ua585a162-de2c-5783-9d5a-de5a7c102c64)
“So it looks like the basic structure is sound.” Jan Peter looked around the inside of the house, pushing against a wall between the dining and living room. “The bearing walls are solid and if you’re not knocking any of them out, we won’t need to look at supporting beams.”
Jan was a tall man with friendly eyes, graying mustache and a quiet air that hid the savvy businessman he really was. Dean followed him around, his uneven footsteps echoing in the empty space. He had to force himself to concentrate on what Jan was saying and not to look too hard at Erin who stood beside her sister in the living room, her baby cradled in her arms.
He would have preferred not to see her so soon after their first meeting, but his truck was still at Alan Brady’s mechanic shop and wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow, so Jan had picked him up today. Then, as they drove, he’d told Dean he had to stop at a job right on the way. It wasn’t until they pulled into the yard that he discovered they were looking at the same house he had spun his own dreams around. When he and Tiffany were dating they would stop at this house, peek in the windows and plan.
Instead he was listening to his boss talking with Erin and Lauren about what they needed to do to make the house ready for the winter, and struggling with mixed feelings at her presence.
Today she wore blue jeans. Her hair looked tidier. She looked less weary and far more attractive.
“I just want to know if I can move in right away,” Erin was asking.
“If we’re not doing any interior work you can, but it’ll be noisy,” Jan said, turning back to Dean. “So what do you think we’ll need to do? I know you’ve talked about fixing up this place yourself.”
Dean was pleased that Jan asked his opinion. “The shingles on the roof are good but the siding should be redone,” he said, remembering the changes he and Tiffany had talked about. “I’d replace the living room window—the seal is busted and it’s all fogged up. Same with the one in the spare room upstairs.”
“Spare room?” Jan slanted him a questioning look. “Which one is that?”
When he and Tiffany were making plans they had given each of the rooms a name. Master bedroom, first kid’s room, second kid’s room and spare room. But he wasn’t about to admit that much in front of Erin.
“The smallest one,” he said, hoping he sounded more nonchalant than he felt. “To your right when you go up the stairs.”
“Did you live here?” Jan asked.
“No. I just been here before,” Dean said, catching Erin’s confusion as well in his peripheral vision.
He wasn’t about to satisfy it, either. Bad enough that she got to see him in all his crippled splendor, she definitely didn’t need to hear about losing his dreams when Tiffany jilted him.
In favor of his brother.
“I think you’re right about the work it needs.” Jan turned to Erin. “The renos Dean suggested are the ones we have to do to get the house ready for winter. We’ll pick a warm day to replace the windows. You won’t be cold, but you might be fighting flies that day.” Jan grinned at Erin but she was looking around, a peculiar smile on her face, as if the idea of living here held infinite appeal.
Dean knew how she felt. He was thirty-three and still living at home. That definitely hadn’t been in his ten-year plan. When his brother started renting the ranch from Keith he had hoped to get this place subdivided. This house had been his goal.
“So I could live here? Right away?” Erin asked.
Jan shrugged, brushing off the dust he’d gathered while inspecting the attic. “You could move in this afternoon if you want. Like I said, you’ll have to put up with a few inconveniences when we do the windows.”
“That’s good news.”
Jan turned to Dean. “I’m putting you on this job. If you need help I might be able to spare a guy here and there but for the most part I think you can do this on your own.”
“I thought I would be helping on that new barn you’re building by Mercy.” He didn’t want to work on this house. He didn’t want Erin to see him making his slow and methodical way up and down a ladder or scaffolding.
And the fact that it bothered him, well, that bothered him, too. He wasn’t supposed to care what people thought of him. He was Dean Moore. A tough-as-leather cowboy and, even more, a saddle bronc rider.
One-time bronc rider, his thoughts taunted him.
“Isn’t there someone else who can do this work?”
Erin’s question caught Dean off guard, though he shouldn’t have been surprised. Clearly she didn’t think he could do the job, either.
“Dean’s capable,” Jan said. The faint narrowing of Jan’s eyes encouraged Dean though it would take a lot more than a bit of restrained anger on the part of his boss to balance out Erin’s lack of confidence.
“I wasn’t thinking of that,” Erin said, lifting one hand, clearly flustered. “It’s just... I thought...” She waved off her comments. “I’m sure Dean is more than able to do the work.”
“Good. I think so, too, otherwise I wouldn’t have put him on the job.”
“Look, if this is going to be a problem, let me work on that job in Mercy,” Dean said.
Jan slowly shook his head, gnawing at one corner of his mouth, a sure sign he had something he didn’t really want to say. “Sorry, I just hired on a new guy and he’s married and got a couple of kids. He needs the hours. Besides, this is close by and I won’t have to charge out traveling time for you.” Jan gave him a careful smile, as if hoping that would placate him. “And this way you can start whenever you want. Work your own hours.”
It all sounded so reasonable, but his boss’s comments still bothered him. And he was trying hard not to read subtext in his reasoning. Working his own hours meant flexibility for the rehab he was supposed to be doing and for the days he wasn’t well because the pain took over.
“Of course,” he said. “I get it.”
Then his eyes slid sideways to where Erin stood. She was looking at him and he didn’t imagine the pity on her face.
Anger surged through him. Anger with his circumstances and that Erin had to be a witness to this moment.
He wasn’t good enough. Simple as that. Just a washed-up bronc rider who couldn’t even get on a horse.
Erin hadn’t wanted anything to do with him all those years ago. He was convinced she certainly wouldn’t want anything to do with him now.
* * *
“Be it ever so humble.” Lauren turned off the vacuum cleaner and looked around the living room with a half smile. They had been busy in Erin’s new house most of yesterday and today, cleaning and moving furniture in.
“It looks homey,” Erin said, pushing a brown leather recliner into the corner beside the rust-colored couch Lauren had just finished cleaning. A wooden table replete with scuff marks and coffee rings sat in front if it. Mismatched end tables flanked the couch, each holding different lamps. A love seat in a pink plaid sat across from the couch. They had come out of a storage shed on Vic’s mom’s place. The rest came from the secondhand store in Saddlebank.
Two wooden chairs and three folding chairs were tucked under the oval wooden table in the dining room. A metal watering can holding daisies and lilies sat on the table. That particular touch of whimsy was courtesy of Jodie, who had shown up only briefly, full of apologies. She and Finn had a last-minute meeting with Abby Bannister to scout out some wedding photo locations.
It didn’t matter to Erin that Jodie couldn’t be here. She would see her again. That much she could count on now that she was back at the ranch.
“It’s perfect,” Erin said, folding her arms as she glanced around the room. Her home.
Her own.
And the best part was the cast-iron wood stove taking up the far corner of the living room. She already could imagine being curled up on the couch, reading a book, Caitlin in her arms, the lights low as a fire crackled in the stove.
“And you’re sure about this?” Lauren was asking as she plumped the pillows they had found at the bargain store in Mercy. “You’re sure about living here on your own?”
“Believe it or not, I am,” Erin said. “You have no idea what a treat it will be for me to have my own office.”
“Vic said the internet people might be coming tomorrow so it will be a day or two before you’re connected again.”
“That’s okay. I’ll need a couple of days to get myself organized.”
“Will you be able to keep busy? Out here?”
Erin chuckled at the skepticism in her sister’s voice. “I actually just got a call this morning from a previous client in Colorado. He wants me to do a series of static and interactive graphics for his website and some promotional material he will be putting out. It won’t be for a month or so but in the meantime I’ve got a few feelers out on some other work.”
Lauren shot her a puzzled look. “Still can’t believe all that coloring and sketching you used to do has translated into a job.”
“The degree in graphics design probably helped, too.”
“Of course.” Lauren gave her a smile, then dropped the pillows on the couch. “So this is the last of it. I’m really glad we managed to find a crib for Caitlin, as well. At least she won’t have to sleep in an apple box.”
“Or a bottom drawer of a dresser like Granny always said Mom did,” Erin said with a laugh.
Lauren released a gentle sigh, glancing down at the engagement ring on her finger then over at Erin. “I’ve been thinking about Mom lately, what with so many changes in our lives. Jodie getting married, me engaged. And now you with the first—” She stopped there as if not sure what to say.
“The first grandchild,” Erin finished for her. “I’ve been thinking about Mom, too. And Dad. I know I’ve said it already, but I’m sorry I missed the funeral.”
Lauren gave her sister a quick hug. “You had your reasons. Did you read Dad’s letter to you?”
“I haven’t had a chance. Caitlin was fussy most of last night.”
“You should have woken me or Jodie up,” Lauren chided, giving her shoulders a gentle shake. “Either of us would gladly have held her.”
Erin felt a surprising hitch to her heart. The six weeks she’d spent at the house with her roommates after Caitlin was born had been fraught with tension. Though her friends were helpful and for the most part considerate, she still overheard muted grumbling about short nights and interrupted sleep. She wasn’t accustomed to having help offered.
“Sorry. I didn’t think—”
“That Jodie or I would want to hold our own niece?” Lauren shook her head. “Honey, you’re with family. You’re allowed to have expectations.”
Which was probably part of her problem with Sam, Erin figured. She didn’t dare have expectations. Each time she brought up their future he would gently tell her she shouldn’t pressure him. They would talk later.
Then later came and here she was.
“Speaking of,” Lauren said, tilting her head, “I think I hear something.”
Erin heard a squawk from the room she’d claimed as her bedroom and was about to go get Caitlin when Lauren stopped her.
“I’ll do this. You just sit down.”
Then she hurried off.
But Erin wasn’t about to sit down. Not with the bags of stuff they had purchased sitting on counters. She was eager to put it away. To get her kitchen cleaned up and organized.
Just then Dean came into the house carrying a box holding her laptop and router and Erin was distracted by a more important task.
“Here. Let me,” she said.
“I got this.” He shot her an annoyed glance.
“I don’t mind helping,” she said, reaching out to take the box from him.
As she did her hands brushed his and they both pulled back at the same time. Which made the box tilt precariously.
Dean shifted and took a sudden step left. In the process he fell against the recliner, which teetered as Dean struggled to regain his footing.
Erin made another grab for the box, but Dean caught his balance, grimacing as he did.
“Are you okay?” she asked, concerned at his quick intake of breath.
“I’m fine. Leave me alone.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that’s my laptop in that box. I need it for my work and I didn’t want—”
“Didn’t want it to fall?” Dean gave her a sardonic look and handed her the box. “Here. Take it if you think I’ll drop it.”
She wanted to protest, realizing she had overreacted. She wanted to explain that the laptop was new. That she still owed money on it. That she needed it for her job. A job she now needed more than ever since she had Caitlin depending on her and she had medical bills to pay.
But that would have taken too many words and too much exposing of her life to someone she preferred to keep in her past.
Then she looked up at him and was dismayed to see him staring at her as he still clung to the box. They stood there, old memories braiding through the moment. How intense he could be the times he asked her out. How her foolish heart had beat just a little faster each time he did. How her practical mind told her to say no.
Then he gave the box a tiny shove, returning it to her. But as she took it, she felt as if he was also pushing her away.
She shook her head as she set it on the kitchen table, suddenly disoriented. It bothered her that a simple touch of Dean’s hands created such a strong reaction in her.
Then Lauren came out of the room holding Caitlin and reality settled her faintly beating heart.
She had a daughter to take care of. She had responsibilities. Her reaction to Dean was just a hearkening back to old memories. With all that had happened to her in the past, she knew she was stronger than that.
She had to be.
* * *
The next morning, Dean parked his truck and shot a quick glance at his watch. 7:45. He couldn’t see any movement inside the house. Maybe he had come too early?
Not that it mattered anymore. The growl of the diesel engine coming on the yard would have woken Erin up.
The house was tucked into a copse of trees and as he got out of the truck the wind picked up, rustling through the leaves of the aspen. They were already showing a tinge of orange and yellow amongst the green. Fall was on the way, but thankfully today was warmer.
He walked to the back of his truck and opened the tailgate. The ladder he needed to unload was long and unwieldy and he would have to do some creative lifting to get it to the house.
As he manhandled it out of the truck, he felt a strong twinge in his leg followed by one of regret. Jan had offered to come by and help him get everything ready, but after Erin expressed her doubts about his ability he wanted to prove he could do it himself.
The end of the ladder came off the truck and crashed to the ground. Next step was getting it to the house.
“Do you a need a hand?”
Dean’s heart jumped and he spun around, almost unbalancing himself in the process.
Erin walked toward him, her baby tucked in some kind of carrier strapped to her front.
She wore a long sweater that flowed as she walked. Her hair was tied up in a loose bun-looking thing emphasizing her narrow features. And once again he wondered what had happened to her the past few years to put that edge in her voice, that hardness in her eyes, the hollows in her cheeks. Wondered if it had anything to do with the baby she carried.
“I’m okay,” he said, lifting his chin as if challenging her to help him. “I do this for a living.”
“I’ll let you get to your work. But let me know if you need a hand.”
He just nodded, glancing from her face to the baby bundled against her chest. “I doubt you’ll be able to help much.”
“Excuse me,” she huffed, sounding insulted. “I know how to handle a hammer and nails. I’ve done home renovations before.”
Her snippy tone was a shock. “So tell me, Miss Home Renovations, why is it okay for you to question my abilities but not okay for me to question yours?”
She looked taken aback. “What do you mean?”
So now she was going to play dumb. Tiffany had excelled at that. Throwing back his suspicions about her faithfulness by going on the defensive and lobbing out questions.
He wanted to make it easy for both of them and drop it. But if he was working here for the next week or so, he needed to face her doubts head-on. “Tuesday, when Jan and I were here, you asked if there was someone else who could do the work. Like you didn’t think I was capable.”
She blushed, which did two things. Confirmed his suspicions and made him even angrier.
“I may not be able to ride a bucking bronc, but I can fix your siding and replace your windows,” he said, wishing he could keep the anger out of his voice. Seeing his ex-girlfriend’s pitying look just before she dumped him had been a tough pill to swallow. Going through the slow and painful steps of rehab even more so. But to have this girl whom he once admired and dreamed of dating treat him like less of a man was like a slap. “It might take me longer than usual and if that’s a worry, I’ll tell Jan to adjust your bill,” he snapped. “Call it a disability discount.”
Erin took a step back, looking as if he had hit her and he regretted being so defensive.
“I’m sorry” was all she said. Then she turned and strode back to the house, her sweater flaring behind her in her hurry to get away from him.
He blew out a sigh as she closed the door, shaking his head at his stupid outburst. Way to go, Moore, he chided himself. Way to treat the customer.
She was probably in the house, calling Jan up and telling him she didn’t want this crazy man on her yard anymore.
He sucked in a breath and picked up one end of the ladder, pulling it away from the truck. Then he started toward the house, his steps deliberate as he dragged the thing behind him.
He hoped she didn’t look out the window at this point to see just how disabled he really was. He knew it shouldn’t matter to him what she thought.
But it did. Far too much.
As he lifted the ladder against the house, moving slowly and carefully, he struggled with his own doubts.
He would finish up here today and then he would phone Jan and tell him he had to find someone else.
No way was he going to work for someone who didn’t think he could do the job.
Especially not Erin McCauley.
Chapter Four (#ua585a162-de2c-5783-9d5a-de5a7c102c64)
Erin drizzled the glaze on the bundt cake she had made, then stood back to admire her handiwork.
Too much? Not enough?
What kind of cake did you bake for the man in front of whom you’d made a complete fool of yourself? What kind of cake said “I’m sorry” the best?
This morning, after her run-in with Dean, she had packed up Caitlin and made a quick trip to town to talk to the people at Dis-Connected about getting her internet up and running. From there she’d headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things she was missing, as well as supplies to bake this cake.
But now that it was done she was having second thoughts. Should have just gone with cookies. Or muffins.
She tossed the bowl with the remainder of the icing into the sink. Seriously, how indecisive could she be? Had Sam done this to her? Stolen her identity and her confidence?
The answer to that would be a resounding yes if she were honest with herself. But she didn’t want to admit he’d had that much influence in her life. Lauren had always accused her of being a people pleaser. Her life with Sam was the epitome of that personality trait.
She could hear Dean clattering around outside, going up and down the ladder. She didn’t know what he was doing out there, only that she wasn’t going out to watch. After his outburst she doubted he would appreciate spectators.
Well, the cake was done and it was a quarter to twelve. He would be quitting for lunch soon. Perfect time to bring it out to him.
She glanced at the clock again just as her phone rang.
It was Jodie.
“Hey, sweetie,” Jodie trilled, “I’m about five minutes away. Can I stop in?”
“Of course. You’re always welcome here.”
“I kind of figured, but I don’t want to intrude.”
Jodie’s words gave her a tick of sorrow. In her shame and retreat from her sisters had she come across as so unapproachable?
“Will Caitlin be awake?” Jodie asked.
“She’s sleeping now, but I’m sure she’ll be up soon.” Thankfully Caitlin had settled in last night. It was as if she too sensed they had arrived at their final destination.
This morning Erin had gone for a walk around the property and down the road, just to get a sense of the place. To let herself enjoy the space, the quiet and the simple fact that this belonged to her and only her.
Then she’d made a fool of herself in front of Dean.
“Then if it’s okay, I’m coming over,” Jodie said.
“That would be great.”
This way she could put off the agony of indecision over the cake she had just made and, instead, catch up with Jodie. She wanted to talk about the wedding and settle back into her sister’s life. The easier sister’s life.
Though she and Lauren were twins, she always felt like the younger sister around her. She knew Lauren loved her, but the dismayed expression on Lauren’s face when she’d arrived with Caitlin showed Erin how disappointed her twin was.
Whereas Jodie’s reaction had been one of joy.
Erin set the cake aside, quickly washed up the dishes she had used, tidying with a sense of anticipation. She shot a glance around the house. Everything was in order.
Outside she could hear thumps and the occasional screech of nails. She was very curious as to what he was doing, but her embarrassment over how he had misinterpreted their last interaction kept her inside the house, uselessly tidying. Then she heard a muffled squawk from the bedroom and she rushed to pick up her daughter. Just as she came out of the room she heard a vehicle pull up.
And as Jodie came up the cracked and uneven sidewalk, carrying a bouquet of flowers, Erin’s throat thickened and tears welled up in her eyes.
She opened the door and Jodie hurried toward her, arms wide.
“Hey, sis,” Erin managed as Jodie grabbed her in a careful hug.
Jodie held her close, Caitlin snuggled between them as tears spilled.
“Oh, honey,” Jodie murmured, rocking her back and forth. “It’s been a long road for you, I think.”
Erin sniffed, annoyed at how easily she cried in front of her sister, yet thankful for someone whom she felt comfortable enough around to do exactly that.
Jodie pulled back and smoothed Erin’s tears away with the balls of her thumbs, her expression sympathetic. “You’re home, you know.”
“I know. I think that’s why I’m feeling so weepy.”
“And you just had a baby.”
“That, too,” Erin said with a tremulous laugh.
“So, you take these and I’ll take her,” Jodie said, handing Erin the flowers while she carefully removed Caitlin from Erin’s arms, cradling her as they walked into the house.
Jodie sat down on the couch and bent over her niece, inhaling slowly. “Oh, my goodness. She smells so sweet.” She rubbed her nose over Caitlin’s tiny one. “And you are such an amazing gift. You are, you know,” she cooed to Caitlin. “You are a perfect little gift to our family. We’re so blessed to have you.”
Erin felt the bonds of guilt and shame that had held her soul loosen at Jodie’s simple, accepting words.
“By the way, Lauren and Aunt Laura both say hi, hence the flowers,” Jodie said indicating the bouquet Erin was cutting the ends off of. “They both wanted to come, but they both have to work whereas self-employed me can take time off and have you and Caitlin all to myself,” she said, her head tilting slightly as she heard the sound of hammering. “So I noticed Dean’s here already?”
“Yeah. He came this morning,” Erin said, removing the fake flowers Jodie had brought yesterday from the metal watering can and filling it with water. “And now I’ve got this apology cake cooling on the counter that I don’t know what to do with.”
“Apology cake? Never heard of that recipe,” Jodie said, frowning her puzzlement.
“Well, it’s about a cup of my-big-mouth, mixed in with three tablespoons of wounded pride and a soupçon of McCauley.”
“Oooooh, that cake,” Jodie said with a knowing nod of her head. “I should have baked a few of those in my life. That and Humble Pie.” Then she shot her a questioning glance. “So I’m guessing the cake is for Dean?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“What did you say to him?”
Erin set the flowers in the pot and put it back on the table, avoiding her sister’s gaze. “I kind of made it sound like he wasn’t capable of fixing my house. At least I think he took it that way.”
“Oh, dear.”
“It wasn’t that I thought he couldn’t do it,” she said, fiddling with the flowers, arranging them just so. “It’s just, well, I’m not comfortable being around him and my mouth got away on me.”
“Honey, that’s my line, not yours.”
“I know. I was feeling weird.”
Weird and ashamed. She had always been the good girl. The one who turned down Dean’s many requests for dates because he was too rough and rowdy for her. Now she was the one who wasn’t “suitable.” She was the one who had messed up her life.
“Anyhow, I felt bad so I thought I would bake him a cake,” Erin continued.
“I should go get him so we can eat it. He’s probably not had lunch yet.” She shot her sister a questioning glance as she stood. “If that’s okay with you?”
“I guess.” Dean would be working here so she figured she might as well try to smooth things over between them as soon as possible.
Jodie walked to the door still carrying her baby.
“I’ll take Caitlin, though,” Erin said, holding out her arms for her daughter.
“I’ll be careful.”
Erin held Jodie’s puzzled gaze for a beat, surprised at the flutter of panic that seeing Jodie walk away with her daughter created in her. “I know. It’s just... I haven’t had anyone else taking care of her since she was born. Besides, she needs her diaper changed.”
Jodie seemed to understand and handed Caitlin over to Erin, but as she did she held Erin’s eyes. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, disappointed at how breathless she sounded, glancing down at Caitlin. “I’m just fine.”
“Okay, I’ll be inside shortly.”
Then Jodie disappeared around the side of the house.
Erin took a steadying breath, her heart finally slowing down. What was wrong with her? Why the panic attack? This was her sister, not some random stranger.
Hormones. That’s what she was blaming it on, she reasoned, cuddling Caitlin closer as she walked toward her bedroom.
A few moments later she had Caitlin’s diaper changed and her baby lay swaddled up in a bouncy chair Lauren had rustled up from some of the cousins. Caitlin stared, cross-eyed, at the little stuffed animals hanging from the bar straddling the chair, her mouth a perfect little O.
As Erin held her daughter’s tiny fingers, wrapped tightly around her own, her heart pinched.
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