Protect and Serve
Gwyneth Bolton
Police detective Jason Hightower is flooded with memories when Penny Keys comes home to New Jersey. After fifteen years, he still wants to understand why she loved, lied to and left him. And he needs to know before she disappears from his life again….Penny came home for family reasons, not to face her difficult past…or the man she still loves. But Jason is determined to have answers–answers that it breaks her heart to give. And it seems nothing will keep Jason from the truth this time. Or hold him back from what he wants to protect and serve the most–their chance for a future together.
“Penny.”
The stiff and stilted tone of voice as well as his clipped manner let her know Jason was only speaking to be polite and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.
Fine with me.
He kept those sexy, daring brown eyes on her, though. The straight and serious line of his mouth made her long for the days when those lips held smiles only for her.
Even though she secretly longed to see him smile just once, so she could see if the sight of those perfect teeth, those full lips and the dimple in his right cheek still had the ability to make her heart stop, she knew it was a lost cause.
And she didn’t have time for things she couldn’t change, wrongs she couldn’t correct.
She only needed to bury her grandmother and get out of town so she could have the nice, private breakdown she’d been putting on hold since she got the news.
“Jason.” He wasn’t the only one who could give a one-word greeting. She would have been willing to forgo speaking at all. She could do very well without the just-under-the-surface bad feelings threatening to bubble over and explode.
GWYNETH BOLTON
became an avid romance fan after sneak-reading her mother’s romance novels. In the nineties, she was introduced to African-American romance novels, and her life hasn’t been the same since. She has a B.A. and an M.A. in creative writing and a Ph.D. in English. She teaches writing and women’s studies at the college level. When she is not writing African-American romance novels, she is curled up with a cup of herbal tea, a warm quilt and a good book. She currently lives in Syracuse, New York, with her husband, Cedric. Readers can contact her via e-mail at gwynethbolton@prodigy.net or visit her Web site, http://www.gwynethbolton.com.
Protect and Serve
Gwyneth Bolton
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
This novel is dedicated to my mother Donna Pough,
my husband Cedric Bolton and every reader who has
reached out and shown me love. I appreciate and
love you all more than words could ever express.
Dear Reader,
Thanks for taking the time to read Jason and Penny’s story. This novel started with two questions: If home is where the heart is, what happens when you broke that heart long ago? Can you ever really go home again? Penny and Jason have some history, and they have some issues to work through before they can really connect and make their way back to one another. But their story, like other lovers-reunited stories, gives us hope for people being able to work out their differences and find love again. I’ve always wanted to write novels set in the city where I grew up—Paterson, New Jersey. When I wrote my first novels, the characters wanted to be from everywhere but places I’d actually lived in before. Imagine my surprise when this smart and sassy sister popped into my head, started whispering her story to me, and I realized she was a girl from home! I’m so happy the characters in my HIGHTOWER HONORS series are proving to me that I can go home again and take all of you with me. Be sure to pick up my September 2008 release, Make It Hot, for the next installment in the HIGHTOWER HONORS series.
Gwyneth Bolton
Contents
Acknowledgment
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Epilogue
Acknowledgment:
First I want to thank God for the many blessings in my life, especially the blessing to share my stories. I’d like to thank my family: my mother, Donna, my sisters, Jennifer, Cassandra, Michelle and Tashina, my nieces Ashlee and Zaria and my husband, Cedric. I want to send lots of love to my friends Angelique Justin, Jennifer Thorington-Springer, Cheryl Johnson, Kimberly Dillon-Shively and Yolanda Hood. And I want to send thanks and lots of love to my writer friends who read sections of Protect and Serve at various stages and offered comments and feedback. Thanks, A.C. Arthur, Jennifer Talty, Kari Townsend and Eleanor Shields.
Chapter 1
The worst part about funerals was, you had to make nice and be cordial to people you either despised or couldn’t care less about. There was something about death that brought out all the clichés: Life is short. You never know when you’re going to go. Treat each day like it’s your last. As if coming face-to-face with mortality would make a person want to “get right” before they had to explain to Saint Peter why they didn’t do better.
Penny Keys understood all of this in theory. But with Big Mama gone, she didn’t care about the niceties and what she should be doing.
Sophie Hightower embraced Penny as if the woman had been Big Mama’s closest friend, and ran off at the mouth about how good it was to see Penny again. And it was all Penny could do not to haul off cussing in the funeral home and shake up the staid and calm wake.
“Thanks, Sophie.” Penny couldn’t bring herself to fake pleasantries of any kind to this evil-mouthed, hateful old woman. She could barely manage a smile. Ever since getting the call from her mother, telling her Big Mama had passed away, Penny hadn’t been fully thinking or feeling. She’d functioned. She’d organized, planned, taken care of everything. But feeling? That was gone.
Heartbroken, dejected, lost…
Those words didn’t even begin to describe her mood. They certainly couldn’t cover the large hole that seemed to stretch on and on in her spirit. She only remembered feeling this empty one other time in her life. She’d had no idea the hollowness in her heart left over from that loss had any room for expansion. Yet there it was, growing and threatening to take her over at any moment if she dared let go of her tenuous grip on control.
Penny gave the funeral home another once-over, but still couldn’t find her mother, or anyone else who might save her from cursing Sophie out and making a mockery of Big Mama’s wake. Anyone, that is, but the man who caught her gaze immediately. Jason Hightower.
She knew the very second Sophie Hightower caught the passing glances between her and Jason, because the old woman’s fake smile dried up, and her well-wishing facial expression hardened ever so slightly. Sophie’s lips twisted as if she’d bitten into something bitter, and her shoulders reared back, causing her overly large bosom to poke out even more than the pointy cones already did. The tall, rich-mocha-complexioned woman with the full figure would have been considered forbidding on a good day. Once she had her panties in a bunch over one of her precious nephews possibly falling victim to an unworthy ’hood girl like Penny, forget about it…. Attitude overload.
Penny straightened her back and swallowed. She felt her hands clenching together at her side. She resisted the urge to take a scrunchie out of her purse, put her long locks in a ponytail, dig out the Vaseline and take off her earrings in preparation.
I will not cause a scene. I will not—
“So, when are you going back to California, Penny? You know there’s nothing for you here.” Sophie’s right eye slanted, and her lip tilted in a bit of a snarl.
Get thee behind me, Satan. I will not cuss this old woman out at Big Mama’s wake. I just won’t do it. I don’t care what you have this old biddy say to me.
As if on cue, Jason, with his confident swagger and cocky demeanor, came walking over.
Was it just her, or did the people in the crowded room of the funeral home seem to part and make way for Jason as he zeroed in on her? Penny hadn’t seen him in fifteen years and didn’t want to face him now. It didn’t appear she had much choice.
She tried to focus on anything else in the room besides him—the metal folding chairs in the corner, the stack of church fans piled on the wooden table along with a big white guest book and carefully folded programs. Even with those things to gaze at, her eyes still managed to find Jason’s again.
Those dark brown pools full of accusation and allure would surely be the death of her—or, at the very least, the end of her sanity—if she continued to look into them.
“Hi, Aunt Sophie.” Jason gave his aunt a big hug, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on Penny.
He had changed from the eighteen-year-old love of her life. His athletic build appeared stronger, more substantial, if that were possible. He was still tall. And his deep mahogany complexion was still flawless. For some reason, however, this grown-up Jason seemed larger than life. His presence filled the room, and left her feeling a barrage of things she didn’t dare try and label. The dark, navy-blue designer suit he wore fit as if it were custom-made for him.
They must be paying police detectives well these days, Penny thought wryly, as she let her eyes roam Jason’s appealing but also very off-limits body.
She was there to bury Big Mama, and that was it. As much as she despised the meddling Sophie Hightower, the woman was right. There wasn’t anything here for Penny—anything or anyone.
“Penny.” The stiff and stilted tone of voice as well as his clipped manner let her know Jason was only speaking to be polite and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.
Fine with me.
He kept those sexy, daring brown eyes on her, though. The straight and serious line of his mouth made her long for the days when those lips held smiles only for her.
Even though she secretly longed to see him smile just once, so she could see if the sight of those perfect teeth, those full lips and the dimple in his right cheek still had the capability to make her heart stop, she knew it was a lost cause.
And she didn’t have time for things she couldn’t change, wrongs she couldn’t correct.
She only needed to bury her grandmother and get out of town so she could have the nice private breakdown she’d been putting on hold since she got the news.
“Jason.” He wasn’t the only one who could give a one-word greeting. She would have been willing to forgo speaking at all. She could very well do without the just-under-the-surface bad feelings threatening to bubble up and explode.
“Sorry about Big Mama. She’ll be missed. I used to stop by and check up on her a couple of times during the week. I never would have thought we’d lose her. Seemed like she would be here forever.” His eyes softened a little, then hardened again just as quickly.
Big Mama never told me she was visiting with Jason twice a week.
But Big Mama wouldn’t have. When Penny called, it was all about Penny. And Penny was sure that when Jason visited, Big Mama made those moments just for him. That was her way.
The huge lump that had taken up residence in her chest since she had gotten the news of Big Mama’s passing began to throb. Big Mama was really gone, and there was nothing she could do about it. The thought of it made her want to curl up in a corner and just weep until she ran out of tears.
But there was too much to do now. She could cry when she went back to Los Angeles. Right now, she needed to get the wake and the awkward reunion with Jason and his evil aunt over and done with.
With no time to get choked up, Penny took a deep breath. Taking another, she relished the calm that overcame her body.
Sophie cleared her throat and stepped back. “Yes, she will be missed dearly. The Deaconess Board at Mount Zion won’t be the same without her.”
Giving Penny a quick and cutting glare, she added, “I’m going to leave you to greet the rest of your guests, dear. Come along, Jason. Penny can’t be rude and spend all her time talking to us.”
Subtlety had never been Sophie’s strong point.
Jason nodded to his aunt and then returned his intense stare to Penny. “You can go ahead, Aunt Sophie. I’ll catch up with you.”
No, you go, too. Follow your dear, sweet aunt. I can’t deal with you right now, Jason Hightower. Urgh…
Penny inhaled and exhaled.
Remember…calm, girly, calm.
She wondered what kind of visualization technique she could use to ease her nerves and get her through the wake and the proximity of the former love of her life. The image of Sophie Hightower’s head being compressed in a metal vise held some appeal.
A bright, gleaming, false smile covered Sophie’s face just before she cut her eyes at Penny. “Fine. I’m going to go and find my baby brother.” She turned to her nephew. “Be sure not to tie up too much of Penny’s time.” She draped her scarf across her shoulder and haughtily took off across the room.
Penny watched Sophie waltz away, all the while mentally crushing the woman’s head, until Jason’s smooth baritone interrupted her concentration.
“It’s good to see you back, in spite of the horrible circumstances, Penny. Too bad you couldn’t have visited when Big Mama was alive.”
How did his cocky, tell-everyone-what-they-need-to-be-doing personality not bother me all through high school? Oh, wait…it did—until he made me fall in love with him….
Penny swallowed. Being home again had dredged up enough of her feelings of guilt. She didn’t need Jason to remind her of all the reasons she was a horrible person.
She knew she should have visited more. During the time she’d been away, she had spoken to Big Mama five, sometimes six times a week. Penny had flown her grandmother out to Los Angeles for visits at least once a year. Once she had finished school and could afford the costs, she’d never neglected the woman who had raised her.
Penny pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. “Big Mama understood better than anyone my reasons for moving away and staying away. And most important, she knew I loved her.”
“Are you sure about that? Because from what I could see, that woman missed you and mourned you the entire time. And for you to stay away that long shows what a cruel, heartless, selfish—” Jason took a deep breath, glared at her and cut himself off.
She knew he’d been about to say something that couldn’t be taken back. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
The two of you deserve each other—a backstabber and a slut. I can’t believe I ever trusted either one of you. The harsh words he had spoken fifteen years ago echoed in her mind as she took in his mahogany face. The ruggedly handsome and manly face glaring at her right now had residual traces of the anger that had covered his more boyish face fifteen years ago.
She braced herself as best she could, given the fact that she had just lost the only person in the world who understood her and loved her unconditionally. And the only other person she had ever loved with her whole being was standing in front of her, blasting her in a creepily déjà vu manner.
She inhaled and exhaled several times. “You need to calm down, Jason. This is not the time or the place. If you cared about Big Mama as much as you claim you did, then you wouldn’t disrespect her wake like this.”
A hand rested on her shoulder and stopped her from saying more. Praying it wasn’t her mother, Penny turned around.
Terrill had finally made it.
Penny let out a sigh of relief.
“Everything all right?” Terrill spoke the words to her, but his serious hazel eyes remained fixed on Jason.
Giving him a heartfelt hug and greeting, Penny felt herself shake just a little. She had no idea how much longer she was going to be able to hold up. But at least with Terrill—one of her oldest and dearest friends—there, she wouldn’t have to go it alone.
“Everything is fine, Terrill. I’m glad you were able to make it.”
She had just seen her friend before she left Los Angeles, so she knew Jason’s presence was what made her extra happy to see Terrill. She leaned on Terrill’s sturdy shoulder and clasped the arm of his suit jacket.
Terrill smiled at her and winked, his way of letting her know he was there for her no matter what.
Most of the people in the room were checking Terrill out. Success seemed to exude from him in ripples, and those who’d known him when he and his mother lived in a small one-bedroom attic apartment were either happy for him or jealous. The way eyes darted and conversations took place behind hands showed that Terrill had given many of the folks in the room something to talk about.
In fact, given the history the three of them shared, the room was probably abuzz with gossip.
She was very proud of Terrill, because she knew what it meant for both of them to make it from their inner-city neighborhood in Paterson, New Jersey, to their positions as movers and shakers in Los Angeles. Not many people from Warren Street who attended PS #10 and then Eastside High School ended up where they were. The two of them were kids from the ’hood who’d done well for themselves.
Shocked by how much she needed someone to lean on at this moment, she let out another sigh. Shooting a hesitant glance at Jason, she couldn’t help but notice the intense anger in his glare.
Whoever said time healed all wounds told a big lie.
It seemed as if everyone in the funeral home had their eyes on the trio. Penny lifted her hand to her right eye and rubbed it across the tiny scar she had gotten when she was twelve. Although it was barely noticeable now, whenever Penny felt uncomfortable or put on the spot, her hand found and worried the small mark. She circled it with her pointer finger for a minute before she forced herself to put her hand down at her side.
So what if everyone in the funeral home was probably waiting to see if the three former best friends would cause a scene? She refused to turn into a ball of nerves for their entertainment.
As an image consultant, she knew the importance of appearances. The only thing a person really had any control over was the image he or she put forth. The perceptions of others might have been out of her hands, but that didn’t mean she had to play to anyone’s expectations.
“Hey, Jason. How’s it going?” Terrill made an attempt to reach out to his old friend and got a harsh stare and a sneer for his trouble. His warm-honey complexion took on a tint of red when his former friend snubbed him. He slanted his hazel eyes and nodded.
“You’re right, Penny. This isn’t the time or the place.” Jason gave her a once-over before walking away, and didn’t even bother looking at Terrill. “It wouldn’t even be worth it, anyway.”
Her heart stilled, and a pain so sharp it could only be the reopening of an old, barely healed wound throbbed in her chest. Chancing a glance at Terrill, she couldn’t help noticing that he had been seriously stung by Jason’s words, as well. The two men hadn’t been able to say a kind word to one another in fifteen years.
Terrill squeezed her shoulder, and she knew he was trying to let her know he didn’t blame her for losing his best friend. His attempt at comfort made the pain even worse.
Looking at them now, no one would be able to tell people used to jokingly call them the Three Musketeers and tease them about being joined at the hip. They had been best friends since grade school, and the three-way friendship hadn’t changed when Jason and Penny became high school sweethearts. They hadn’t thought anything would be able to come between them. But they had been wrong.
Jason hated Penny and Terrill now, and it was all her fault. The realization that it was too late to correct the past caused a sharp pain in her chest.
Penny cringed.
If Jason Hightower could still hurt her with his words in the same way he had when she had left Paterson years ago, then she had no business being back here.
As soon as the funeral was over and done with, she was getting out of there as fast as her feet could carry her.
As Jason walked away, he mentally chided himself for losing control the way he had. There was something about seeing Penny again after so much time that brought back all his emotions about what had happened when they were seniors in high school and thought they had had their entire lives in front of them.
Seeing the man responsible for ruining all his dreams come up and comfort the woman he would always see as his did nothing to soothe Jason’s raging emotions.
Neither of the two people who had betrayed him in the worst way possible had been home in years. Terrill had come back more often than Penny, who hadn’t been home once since she left. He had run into Terrill off and on through the years, but could never bring himself to speak to the man.
Of the two of them, Jason didn’t know whom he blamed more. Thinking of Terrill’s betrayal made the blood run cold in his body. Numbness had come over him when he saw his former best friend, the man he had thought would one day stand with him at his wedding. Any emotion he felt seemed to be layered with ice, and he liked it that way. He didn’t think he would ever thaw when it came to Terrill.
And Penny? Well, seeing her in person again for the first time in fifteen years caused his blood to boil and his body to run hot.
Anger. Hurt. Attraction…?
His conflicting feelings made for one jacked-up combination, as far as he was concerned.
How could he still be attracted to her?
Seeing the two of them together made him run hot and cold at the same time, and Jason wasn’t comfortable with the impact their presence had on him.
It didn’t help that Penny still looked gorgeous. The simple black dress she wore clung to her curves in ways that brought scandalous thoughts—certainly thoughts he shouldn’t have been having at a wake—to his mind. The designer sandals with lots of straps and stiletto heels did things to her calves that caused his pulse to quicken.
But that was nothing compared to what it did to his heart to see that toasted-cinnamon face, those bold copper eyes and that beautiful sandy-brown hair, all in the form of a woman whom had grown up to be just as beautiful as he’d always known she would be. Her hair was styled in those thin sister-locks and hung loose around her face and down her back. The sisterlocks had soft blond and bronze highlights that shimmered and beckoned to him to reach out and caress them.
“I heard Terrill saw the light and got rid of that little slut soon after they left town.” Aunt Sophie had snuck up behind him, and now she tilted her head toward the corner of the crowded funeral home where Terrill sat with Penny.
Jason didn’t know how he felt about the fact that his aunt had probably seen him watching the two of them make their way to a set of folding chairs in the corner. He knew for sure he didn’t like his supposedly saved and sanctified aunt calling Penny a slut, no matter how much the name seemed to fit.
He had even called her that himself, once upon a time.
Now, in spite of how she had hurt him, he regretted lashing out at her. Years and some distance had him rethinking everything that happened back then. Maybe it was his cop’s instincts, or his cold-case training, but something about those past events still nagged at him.
“Is that any way for the president of the Deaconess Board to talk, Aunt Sophie? I swear, your mouth is worse than some of the criminals I arrest.” Jason pinned a disapproving gaze on Sophie, in hopes it would halt her bad talk about Penny.
“I’m just calling it like I see it. I’m just letting you know your friend Terrill had the sense to let her go. You should, too. A girl like that is bad news. Just look at her mama.” Aunt Sophie paused and hissed as she sucked her teeth in disgust.
“And Doreen, God bless the dead, as hard as she tried to make sure that Penny didn’t end up like Carla, look at her. She threw away the best thing that ever happened to her and went off to California, dancing in music videos. It’s a wonder Doreen didn’t drop dead from the shock of it.”
Sophie offered a dramatic pause and threw her head toward the heavens for effect. “Her daughter whoring her body for crack cocaine, and her granddaughter whoring her body for God knows what to the tune of that god-awful rap music. Lord, have mercy!”
Jason counted to ten before saying a word to his aunt. The woman meant well; he knew she did. She had been the one who had comforted him when Penny had broken his heart.
He also knew as well as anyone that Penny had used those few videos she’d modeled in to help pay for college. She was a successful businesswoman now, who didn’t trade in on her looks—her still gut-wrenchingly beautiful looks—to make a living.
He chanced another glance at Penny and found himself lingering again over her soft, cinnamon-toned skin. She had always been shapely, and what had been a knockout body when she was a teenager had turned into a to-die-for body in the woman. Her curves spoke to him from behind her black wrap-style dress, and he silently reminded himself that they were in a place for mourning, not salivating. Captivated, he tried to get past the in-your-face realization that his copper-eyed girl had turned into a gorgeous woman.
Just as he was about to open his mouth to let his aunt know what he thought of her snide remarks, he stopped himself, wondering why he felt so compelled to stand up for Penny. She had no loyalty, and she certainly didn’t deserve his. Shaking his head, he walked away from his aunt.
Deciding he needed some air, he walked outside of Lee’s Funeral Home and took big gulps. Taking in the vibrant street life happening all around him on Rosa Parks Boulevard, he had to wonder why he’d bothered to show up at the wake at all.
Sure, he had loved and respected Doreen “Big Mama” Keys as much as anyone. But he could have just attended the funeral and paid his respects the next day—from a distance. As it was, now he’d be seeing Penny two days in a row.
Glancing across the street, he noticed his brothers—Lawrence, Joel and Patrick—exiting their vehicles. Lawrence stopped to talk to four teenagers hanging on the corner, who immediately hustled to hide their dice and cash. Jason kept his eyes focused on them, in case they gave Lawrence any trouble.
Lawrence, a well-known narcotics detective, actually worked this part of town, so Jason doubted his brother would have any trouble. Lawrence saw a lot more action as a narc than Jason did as a forensics expert and cold-case detective.
The teenagers cleared the corner, and within seconds Jason’s three older brothers were standing in front of him.
All three shared the trademark Hightower rugged good looks. They were tall, had skin in varying shades of mahogany, and their looks had been known to drive women wild. Joel and Patrick were both firemen with the Paterson Fire Department. And he and Lawrence were both detectives with the Paterson Police Department.
“Hey, ’lil bro.” Joel reached out and gave Jason a quick hug.
Lawrence and Patrick followed with the same greeting, and then they all just stood there.
He could tell that they were trying to feel him out, that they wanted to ask if he’d seen Penny yet.
“We came to pay our respects,” Patrick offered, clearly sick of the silence. His older brother normally had little use for small talk or other common niceties. He was a shoot-from-the-hip kind of guy whose brash manner normally didn’t go over well with the ladies.
“Yeah. That’s good. You should,” Jason responded.
“She here?” Never one to mince words, Joel seldom bit his tongue. However, he usually tempered his demeanor with wisecracks and his playboy charm. He was definitely the ladies’ man of the family.
Jason caught Lawrence giving Joel a why-did-you-bring-that-up look.
“She’s here,” was all Jason could say in response.
“Well, it was a long time ago, Jason. You need to just let it go. You guys were young. You’ve moved on. She’s moved on. It was the past. Don’t be all sulky about it fifteen years later. And for Pete’s sake, don’t cause any drama at the wake.” Joel was only a couple of years older than Jason. But Jason swore when it came to getting in his business and trying to boss him around, Joel had the older brothers beat.
“Joel is right, Jason. This isn’t the time. And besides, women are scandalous, anyway. We all know this. Don’t let her deceit get to you.” Patrick, still bitter over his divorce and his cheating ex-wife, wouldn’t give any woman the benefit of the doubt.
Catching his woman in bed with another man must have been hard on Patrick. Even five years later, he still hadn’t really gotten past it.
Jason could sympathize with his older brother in more ways than he had ever let any of them know. He had never told his family the full story of his breakup with Penny.
He took a deep breath. After years of distance, he suspected that the things he’d been made to believe back then might be false. He was determined to find out, one way or another, once and for all.
“I agree. Shake it off, baby bro. Be the bigger person. Let it go.” Lawrence slanted his left eye when he spoke, as if it would help make his point more clearly. Lawrence was suspicious of just about everyone, and it probably had a lot to do with the things he had seen working in the narcotics division of the police force. But he was a stand-up guy who always tried to do the right thing. The only problem was, he always encouraged others to do the same.
Since Jason didn’t want to have this conversation with his brothers, especially not on the front steps of the funeral home, he just nodded.
His brothers accepted his nod as confirmation that he’d let it go. But Jason wasn’t certain he really could. Watching as they entered the funeral home, Jason let the pep talk his brothers had given him stew for a moment. Yes, he could be the bigger person and not confront Penny, but he needed to know a few things. He still had some burning questions. Pieces of the puzzle didn’t fit.
Since solving old crimes and mysteries had become his job, he looked forward to having the chance to apply his cold-case detective skills to this very personal area of his life.
He would have to work on his approach if he was going to solve this case. He hadn’t meant to approach her with such an attitude. But there had been something about seeing her again. And when Terrill showed up…well, that had been the last straw.
“This is a tough time for Penny, you know. Big Mama was the only person who was always there for her, no matter what. She’s taking it hard, so you really need to lay off about the past.”
Terrill! Speak of the devil.
Jason turned to see his former best friend, and it was all he could do to contain himself. He had already made the mistake of showing them he still felt hurt by their betrayal, and he didn’t want to let them see any more of his vulnerability.
“Shouldn’t you be inside with her, then, if she’s so torn up? Isn’t that what lovers are supposed to do for one another? Comfort? Console? Why are you out here talking to me?”
“I’m out here because, despite what you think, I want what’s best for everyone involved. She doesn’t need the stress. It’s bad enough she has to deal with Carla, and you know how that can be.” Terrill ran his hand through his close-cropped, naturally curly hair and sighed. “You don’t need to be all hung up on a past you barely understand. There’s a lot you just don’t know, Jason. If I could tell you without breaking confidences, I would.”
Jason watched kids ride their bikes down the crowded street, took in all the hustle and bustle of the inner city on a spring evening. Paterson’s streets came alive, pulsing with energy, once the days became warmer and longer. There might not be a lot of flowers in bloom or trees blossoming in the tenement jungle, but spring was definitely in the air. While feeling the pulse of his beloved city, Jason counted to ten.
It didn’t work.
The fact was, Terrill was the same pretty boy who’d gone off to Los Angeles with his girl. He was the same former record company intern who had made it possible for Jason’s girl to dance in rap videos, thereby torturing Jason for years, because he could still see her everywhere but she was no longer his.
If anyone in the world knew how much Jason had loved Penny, it was Terrill. For those reasons alone, Terrill’s betrayal was unforgivable.
“Oh! Now, you have morals. Where were they fifteen years ago, when you stole my girl?”
Terrill threw his hands up and shook his head. “I give up, man. I tried, but you’re stuck in the past. You need to let it go. And like I said, lay off with the guilt trips on Penny. She doesn’t need that right now.”
Watching Terrill walk away, Jason was almost tempted to chase him and finish the fight. It was a fight fifteen years in the making, and he was sure they would have it eventually.
Maybe the wake wasn’t the time and place. But he would get answers—especially from the woman who’d broken his heart.
Penny let out the breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding when she saw Jason leave the funeral home. And she smiled when she saw the other Hightower brothers coming in to pay their respects. Patrick, Lawrence and Joel had always been like unofficial big brothers to her. She missed the closeness she used to have with their family.
If only things could have been different….
“Penny, baby, it’s so good to see you. You look good. I’m just so sad I’m seeing you under these circumstances. How’re you holding up, baby?” Jason’s mother, Celia Hightower, gave her a big hug, followed by her husband, James Hightower.
Seeing the other two adults who had provided her with a place of refuge when she was a kid, while her only other constant source of support lay in a coffin, made her chest swell up. But she refused to break down and start crying. If she started, she feared, she’d never stop.
She stood in front of Big Mama’s casket, and the only thing she could think was how someone who was so much larger than life, someone who had been life to her, could possibly be gone.
The makeup the mortician had put on Big Mama seemed a few shades too dark for the light-complexioned woman Penny had known. Penny touched the long, wavy hair that Big Mama and her own mother shared but had skipped a generation with her.
She remembered it had been Big Mama who taught her to be proud of her thick, sandy-brown hair when she wanted soft, jet-black hair like Big Mama and Carla’s. When Carla complained that Penny’s hair was just too much to handle, Big Mama had taught Penny how to love and tame her mane.
Penny let the good memories wash over her and fought back her tears as she touched Big Mama’s cheek.
Mr. Hightower kept his strong arm around her. “She’s in a better place now. She’s with the Lord.”
Why do people always say that? How do they really know? Penny wondered as she continued to caress Big Mama’s cheek.
“She was so proud of you, Penny. She talked about you all the time. And she loved you, Penny. We’re all proud of you, baby. And we miss you.” Mrs. Hightower smiled brightly. The woman sported a full and shapely figure and a warm demeanor. She wore a beautiful black skirt suit and a delicate string of pearls with matching earrings.
Penny moved with the Hightowers away from the casket. She couldn’t look anymore and she couldn’t listen to them anymore. If she did, the lump in her chest that was threatening to explode any minute would be her undoing. And she couldn’t lose it at the wake. She had to hold it together.
Mrs. Hightower’s kind eyes made Penny remember all the times she had let her help out in the kitchen or had taken her shopping. Celia Hightower used to say she wanted to spend some girl time and get away from a house full of men and boys.
Even before Penny and Jason became a couple, Mrs. Hightower had taken Penny under her wing as the daughter she never had. Seeing her, and missing their bond, made Penny feel even worse—as if it were possible for her to feel any worse.
“Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Hightower. I just wish I could’ve seen her before she died. She wasn’t even sick. It—it just happened too fast. I never got the chance to—”
Her voice choked off, and Penny took a deep breath. She couldn’t break now. There was just too much to do. She could have her breakdown when she returned to Los Angeles.
“She knew, baby. She knew you loved her.” Mrs. Hightower patted her hand and smiled. “Now you be sure to stop by and catch up before you head back to the West Coast. Don’t you leave here without coming to see me! I’ve missed you, sweetie.”
Penny felt the weight of the guilt she’d been feeling since finding out Big Mama died grow and press her chest down. She had never wanted to lose contact with Mr. and Mrs. Hightower. She loved them. They were like the parents she’d never had, the parents she’d wished she had. Spending time in their home while growing up had made her feel normal and, most important, loved.
“She could come over for Sunday dinner,” James Hightower offered. He stood over six feet tall and shared the same deep mahogany complexion as his four sons. He seemed to be the aged but still handsome template for those classic Hightower looks.
Penny took a deep breath. She remembered Sunday dinner at the Hightowers’ after church. And she knew she couldn’t sit through one of those family gatherings, no matter how much she secretly yearned to do so. No way could she do it.
“I’ll try, Mrs. Hightower,” Penny offered, hoping that would be enough. “But I better move along and see some of the other guests now.”
“Go ahead, baby, and we’ll see you on Sunday.” Mrs. Hightower patted her back with a smile and pushed her on her way.
It occurred to Penny to say that she hadn’t said she’d definitely be there. But given the determination Mrs. Hightower always had, she knew better than to say never.
Carla slipped out the side door of the funeral parlor as soon as she saw him. He was probably the last person she wanted to see at her mother’s wake. But there he was. If she could give him the slip, the way she had been doing since he got out of jail, that would be a good thing. If she could keep giving him the slip until she managed to talk her daughter into taking her back to Los Angeles with her, that would be even better.
Who would have thought both of those men would be out of jail at the same time? When your past came back to shoot you in the behind, it sure as hell came back blasting. For sure, this was more stress than her hanging-on-to-recovery-by-the-skin-of-her-teeth behind could handle.
She wouldn’t have her mother to help her stay clean this time. It had been hard enough doing so with her mama alive and giving her positive encouragement.
How will I stay clean with Mama dead and those fools breathing down my neck?
There was no way. She would have to find a way to get Penny to let her move back to California with her.
Yeah. That would work.
She ducked into the corner store and realized she didn’t have a whole lot of cash on her. Okay, she didn’t have any cash on her. She’d run through the money Penny sent her every month a week ago. And with Mama’s death and all, Carla didn’t think it was a good time to beg Penny for some more ends. Plus, she had to save her favors for the big stuff, like getting the hell out of Dodge on a one-way ticket to Los Angeles.
Carla only had enough for a single cigarette. If the bodega followed the new laws, she wouldn’t be able to get one, unless they had those individually wrapped cigarettes. Not every store carried them. Since she was trying to quit smoking, too, and had been doing well, that might have been a good thing. But she needed something. For sure, cigarettes were the lesser evil.
“Y’all sell loosies?” Carla patted her hair down and took a glance out of the window. Her heart stalled, and she ducked. The jerk must have followed her.
She saw him walking in front of the store. He looked like a dang-gone wild beast on the prowl.
Oh, shoot!
“We not supposed to split up the pack, Mami. It’s against the law.” The smooth Puerto Rican brother leaned against the counter and looked at her cringing on the floor. “Who you hiding from? Your boyfriend?”
He was handsome, if you liked those gooey-sticky caramel latte brothers with the deep, dark bedroom eyes. She liked her men taller, darker and a little more dangerous. Well, those tastes hadn’t gotten her anywhere but crouched on the floor hiding. So maybe she should give Papi a try?
Carla didn’t get up from her crouching position. “Did he pass by?”
“Yeah, Mami, he passed. You scared? You look like you scared.” The store clerk had a humorous expression on his face, and his lips were tilted in a half smirk.
If she hadn’t wanted him to sell her a loose cigarette so bad, she might have cussed him out and asked him what the hell he found so dang funny about her situation. But years of hustling had taught her a little something about the value of a good game face. Plus, he was cute, if you liked that type.
Carla stood and sucked her teeth in what she hoped came off in a joking manner and not the pure disgust she felt.
“How the kids say it these days? I ain’t nevah scurred.” She batted her eyes and then winked at him. “So what’s up, Papi? You gonna sell me that loosy or what?”
“Well, normally, I wouldn’t be breaking the rules. But you seem like a nice lady. So I’m gonna do you a favor. What you smoking, Mami?”
“Newports.” She gave her lips a seductive lick for good measure. “Regular.” She smoothed her wavy hair back. The stuff never held on to any hairstyles like she wanted it to. But most men seemed to like the long hair.
“I’m gonna give you this pack of Newports, Mami. You gonna give me your phone number?” He took a pack of cigarettes down, slid them across the counter with a book of matches and winked at her.
Carla noticed the wedding ring on his finger as he made the slide.
Men ain’t worth a damn!
She smiled slyly as she grabbed the cigarettes and slipped them in her purse. “You think your wife would like it if I gave you my number, Papi?”
He shrugged. “What my wife don’t know won’t hurt her.”
Ain’t that a blip?
She started walking out of the store. “Well, in that case, it’s 777-9311.” She busted out laughing.
“That’s not your number, that’s a song. Oh, why you playing me, Mami?”
Carla let the door close, all the while chuckling to herself. Once outside, she tried to decide if she should go back to the wake and ride back to the house with her daughter in the family limousine provided by the funeral home, or head home on foot. If she didn’t ride back with Brat, then the girl would be in the limo all by herself.
Like it or not, they were the only family either of them had left. And without her own mother there as the go-between, it was going to be hard getting her daughter to see that.
Carla reasoned that if he was really gone, then it would be safe to go back. And she sure didn’t feel like walking home. She headed back to the funeral parlor, puffing on a cigarette and trying to think of a way around the latest crazy predicament in her life. But as she came up to the funeral home, a large hand snatched her into an alley.
Her pack of cigarettes fell into a puddle of water, and she reared up to curse whoever had grabbed her.
“What the hell!” She struggled and tried to pull away, only to get slammed against the brick building for her trouble. She looked up at the idiot who held her, intent on telling the fool she didn’t have any money or anything worth stealing, but then she saw it was him.
Dang!
“You think you slick or something? You know I been looking for you. I put the word out, and you act like you couldn’t even get at a brother. Since I had to hunt you down, I ought to bust you upside your damn head.” The same mean, angry face she still saw in her nightmares glared down at her.
She had to strain her neck to really get a good look at the man who towered above her in a threatening manner.
“I didn’t know you was looking for me. I hadn’t heard anything. Shoot, I didn’t even know you were out. How’d that happen?” She hoped her game face was still in place. Because dealing with this animal without one would be foolish, to say the least.
His lips curled into a sneer. “It happened. That’s all you need to know.”
“Well, that’s good.” She smiled and tried the old batting of the eyes, knowing it was probably useless with this one. “I’m glad. But since you out and all, then you probably know my mother passed away. We burying her and all, so—”
“Yeah, my condolences. I just saw yo’ mama the other day, when I stopped by there looking for you. I guess she ain’t tell you I stopped by, huh? Nah, I guess she wouldn’t have, since she seemed pretty heated that I even rang her doorbell. And I see yo’ little daughter is home and all grown up.” He licked his lips in a disgusting manner, and an evil leer crossed his face.
If he stopped by Mama’s house, that might have been enough to make her have a stroke and die. Shoot! I’m so sorry, Mama.
Carla mentally kicked herself. Once again, her mistakes had made her mother suffer. She made a silent promise to her mother and herself. She would try and get it right this time. She was going to get herself and her child out of Paterson, and she was finally going to be a good mother. She had to…
“No, my mother didn’t mention you had stopped by.” She couldn’t help but narrow her eyes, and she knew her voice had lost some of its fake pleasantness. She knew she needed to keep layering it on, if she wanted to escape the alley unscathed. But it was hard to do, when she thought about her mother lying in a casket inside.
“So, I see your boy beat that murder rap. You seen him yet?”
Answering his question would be too tricky. Even though they were no longer together, she knew this fool still had an irrational and psychotic jealous streak, especially when it came to her ex. She looked down at the pavement and thought for a minute.
“No.”
The flat of his hand moved as soon as she uttered the word and knocked her upside the head so hard her head bounced against the brick wall. “That’s for lying. I know you saw him.” He slapped her upside the head again. “And that’s a warning. Stay away from him. Your baby’s daddy is still off-limits to you. Just ’cause we ain’t together no more don’t mean any of that has changed.”
Carla tried her best to keep her eyes focused on the ground, because if she looked at him, she would probably lose it. She didn’t want to give him the benefit of her tears. And she wasn’t sure looking in his smug, arrogant face wouldn’t make her cuss him out.
Cussing him would no doubt have her explaining a bunch of bruises to Penny. And if she was going to get Penny to take her to Los Angeles, she needed to play it clean.
No stress. No drama. No idiots from her past set on ruining her, especially not this idiot.
He took her chin in his hand and lifted her face. Leaning in, he covered her mouth with his, and she let him kiss her.
“You still belong to me. And I’m only going to give you a little bit more time to come to that conclusion. So you go ahead and bury yo’ mama and send yo’ little daughter back wherever the hell she was, and be sure to stay away from that punk Gerald, and I’ll get at you soon.” He walked off down the alley and Carla shuddered.
She had to find a way to get Penny to take her to L.A.—as soon as possible.
Chapter 2
Food, food and more food. Smells of cinnamon and caramelized brown sugar wafted from the glazed ham and the candied yams. Another whiff of the air, and the homey aroma of melted cheese mixed with butter, milk and pasta baked to perfection assaulted the senses.
Too bad Penny hadn’t had a real appetite since she’d gotten the news.
From Tuesday evening, when she got the phone call from Carla telling her Big Mama had passed away, until the Saturday afternoon after the funeral, Penny had pretty much been running on fumes. Sometimes she remembered to eat a bite, but most times not.
Every member of Mount Zion must have brought a dish over to Big Mama’s house after the funeral and interment. And they were all there, milling around, making small talk and sharing memories.
Penny wanted them all to leave, so she could go out into the backyard, sit on the bench under the big oak tree and pretend none of it was happening. She forced smiles and made chitchat, because Big Mama had raised her to be polite. Because of Big Mama, she tried to hold it together.
She could be strong this time. She could prevail over loss this time, especially when she had nothing else to lose. Penny wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes for a moment in an effort to push her thoughts back. She couldn’t allow herself to dredge up past losses, not if she wanted to make it through the rest of the day.
She let good times fill her mind.
Being back in Big Mama’s little yellow and white house on Warren Street brought back all kinds of memories. Memories of roller-skating around the corner and having to come in before the streetlights came on. Memories of playing kickball and tag in the PS School #10 playground. Memories of buying a twenty-five-cent grape juice, a bag of barbecue potato chips, a fat pickle and a couple of packs of Now and Laters from the Puerto Rican–owned bodega on the corner and thinking she had the makings of a queen’s meal at her disposal.
Most of all, she had memories of feeling safe and secure.
Standing there in the house she had grown up in, knowing the woman who had loved her and raised her was dead, felt as if someone had pulled the floor out from under her and she was balanced on one beam with a huge black hole waiting to engulf her. It felt as if she stood on the perilous edge of a steep cliff in a pair of stilettos after having one too many mojitos. But at least she was still standing, still balancing. She hadn’t caved yet. Big Mama would have been proud of the way she was holding it together.
How did people make it after losing the person who had always been their rock, their advice giver, the person who helped them make a way to the light when darkness threatened? Big Mama had been all those things to Penny, and more. There had never been a time when Big Mama didn’t have advice for Penny’s life, wanted or not.
She remembered when she was twelve and Big Mama sat her under the tree to explain the changes happening to her preteen body and just a little bit about the birds and the bees. Big Mama had been somewhat vague when it came to some parts of the talk. But she had always been the voice of strength and reason, even when Penny messed up and got pregnant at seventeen.
Big Mama was really gone.
In a week or so, Penny would be gone, too. She hated the fact that she’d probably never again see the small three-bedroom, one-bathroom house her grandmother had worked so hard to keep after the grandfather Penny had never had the pleasure of knowing died.
As soon as she settled Big Mama’s affairs, she’d say goodbye to Paterson, New Jersey, for good.
But could she really say goodbye to North Jersey forever?
She couldn’t believe she’d been away for so long. She missed home more than she’d let herself believe. There was really nothing like North Jersey. From the tenements to the fact that you could literally go one block and be in another town—a town that often felt like a different world, North Jersey offered a packed and condensed mix of flavors and cultures different from the equally diverse but much more spread-out and free-flowing Los Angeles she now called home.
Penny was surprised by how she’d gotten back into the flow of Paterson in under a week. The brothers playing c-lo on the corner, the sisters on the stoops gossiping and people watching, the kids running their little behinds in the street, dangerously close to being run over by a car, the storefront churches on just about every block, right next to the liquor stores, the feeling, the flavor, all called out to a part of her she’d thought was gone.
You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take Jersey out of the girl.
Penny shook her head.
“Brat, you gonna be leaving for California soon, huh?”
Penny jumped and her reverie ended at the sound of Carla’s voice. She made a mental note not to let her mother get to her. But some things were a whole lot easier in theory.
She didn’t need therapy to know that her unresolved issues and textbook abandonment fears all stemmed from the petite, honey-complexioned woman standing in front of her, drinking grape soda as if it were the finest wine.
Penny noted that Carla had taken to calling her by the childhood “endearment” she’d used whenever Big Mama wasn’t around. She couldn’t remember exactly when it went from shut-up-brat, get-out-of-here-brat, you-make-me-sick-you-little-brat, to just Brat, said in a weird, almost loving way. She only knew it was the name her mother called her by.
Gritting her teeth and counting to ten, Penny responded, “Yes, Carla. I have to go back. I have a business to get back to. The most I can stay is a week or two.”
Penny ran an image-consulting firm with her friend Maritza Morales. They were both former video models/dancers, and they’d met on a rap video shoot about twelve years ago. They’d found they were both working their way through school and had developed a friendship. Since Penny had only ever had guy friends, developing a close friendship with a woman had been a challenge. Maritza had had a similar history, since she’d grown up as the only girl in a family of brothers. But they’d worked at their friendship, and it had grown.
Their business, New Images by Keys and Morales, was doing well. Maritza could more than pick up the slack for a little while, in order for Penny to handle her grandmother’s affairs. But it took the two of them and their six faithful employees to really make it a work. Even though Penny pretty much made her own hours, she still needed to do her part to make sure the business remained a success.
Panic crossed Carla’s face. “But I…Well, I…Well, what am I gonna do? I need somebody to…”
Even though years of hard living had taken a bit of a toll on Carla, she still had the good looks, fair skin, long, wavy black hair and petite but somewhat curvy body that most men found irresistible. She also had a vulnerable, childlike appeal that she seemed to be able to pull out when she needed it. If Penny hadn’t seen all the faces Carla worked like a pro—all her multiple personalities, as Penny liked to refer to them—she might have fallen victim to the sad, helpless puppy-dog expression Carla wore at the moment.
Penny knew better, however, and she refused to fall for it.
“Carla, you’re a grown woman. You’re going have to learn how to take care of yourself, eventually.” Penny started walking out of the food-filled dining room, thinking she’d miss Big Mama’s cherry stained furniture and her china cabinet full of knickknacks and family photos.
She knew she wouldn’t be taking any of it with her. Her memories would have to be enough.
Carla would need a place to stay, and since the house was paid for, she could stay here.
Penny only hoped her mother didn’t resort to doing drugs again and end up losing the house and everything in it. But that wasn’t her problem. She couldn’t be responsible for her grown mother.
She wouldn’t be responsible. She refused.
Carla stomped her foot and followed, walking so close she was almost on Penny’s behind.
“I do know how to take care of myself, Brat. I just…Well…with Mama gone now, I just don’t know if…” Carla gave a helpless shrug of her shoulders. “She was the only one who never gave up on me, and she was helping me to stay clean.”
Yet again.
How many times had Big Mama helped Carla get clean and straighten up? And what had given Carla the sense of entitlement that said the whole world had to cater to her needs? Penny couldn’t even fathom how a down-to-earth saint of a woman like Big Mama could have given birth to a self-absorbed person like Carla. She hated that she had to steel herself against Carla’s pleas, because it made her feel hard and cold. A small part of her wanted to help her mother.
However, given her past with Carla, she needed to protect herself. She couldn’t let Carla hurt her again. She wouldn’t be able to deal with it, on top of Big Mama’s death. She would topple over into the waiting black abyss for sure if she opened herself up to fall victim to her mother’s antics again.
“I can’t take Big Mama’s place, Carla. You’re going to have to do it on your own this time.” Feeling as if she was being too harsh didn’t stop Penny from holding her ground.
All those years growing up with a crack addict for a mother had made her toughen up. She had spent too much of her life trying to help Carla and waiting for the woman to get it together. All Penny had ever gotten for her trouble was a broken heart and being called Brat.
Stopping midway in the hall between the dining room and the formal living room, Penny let out a soft hiss and a curse when Carla stepped on the back of her foot.
“You wrong for that, Brat. You just won’t forgive. That’s always been your problem.” Carla rolled her eyes in disgust. “You can’t go through your life like that. That’s why you don’t have nobody special in your life now! Your heart’s hard and cold.”
Penny pursed her lips and slanted her right eye slightly.
Carla made it so easy not to want to help her.
This would normally be the time when Big Mama would cut in and tell them they needed to treat each other better and remind them of the importance of family. But Big Mama wasn’t here anymore. It was just the two of them.
Plastering a smile on her face, Penny started to back away. “Well, Carla…darling mother of mine…I suggest you start learning to toughen up. It’s a cold world out there, and you need to learn how to face it.”
Walking away from Carla proved to be easier than Penny thought it would be. She contemplated leaving for Los Angeles right after the last guest left the house. The fact that Carla could even fix her mouth to talk about help and forgiveness irritated Penny to no end.
“Forgive her, my behind. I can forgive. I already forgave her a million times.” Mumbling to herself as she made her way to the kitchen, Penny didn’t notice Jason until she walked right into him.
First Carla, now Jason! Lifting her head to the ceiling, she couldn’t help but think: What is it? You just don’t like me this week, do you? Is it because I haven’t been to church? If I go to service tomorrow, will you cut me some slack? Huh?
Jason’s strong arms embraced and held her. She felt a slight shiver travel its way across and through her body.
Yes, her traitorous body would still react to his touch, wouldn’t it? Because what else would be more fitting at a time like this than being smacked in the face with the fact that she’d ruined her relationship with the only man who’d ever completed her, mind, body and soul. Yeah. She needed reminding of how much she had loved Jason just as she dealt with the loss of her grandmother and with her crazy, recovering-addict mother. What else would make sure her balancing act crumbled? She took a deep breath and firmed her resolve.
“Sorry,” she muttered, trying not to look into his dark, brooding and still very sexy brown eyes. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.
“You can let me go now.” She tried to pull herself from his hold, but he maintained a grip on her.
“Can I?” Jason gave her a squinting, inquisitive gaze before dropping his arms to his side. “We need to talk, Penny.”
Urghhhhhh! Not today. I’m hanging on by a string here. Honest. Pleading with the universe for some leniency probably wouldn’t work, given her background, but maybe, just maybe, with Big Mama up in the heavens now, she could catch a break. Unless Big Mama was the one pulling the strings…Nah…
“Jason, it was really wonderful of you to come to both the wake and the funeral and pay your condolences. I appreciate it more than you know.” Or would even believe, given our history. “But we really don’t have anything left to talk about. We said everything we needed to say fifteen years ago. And I, for one, don’t feel much like revisiting the past.”
“Well, maybe I need to. I lost the two people that meant the world to me—the two people who I thought would never betray me. I think we have a lot to talk about.” With his jaw set in an angry and stilted manner, Jason appeared immovable.
“Not here. Not today. Please, Jason.” One day she might be able to revisit that moment in her life and try to right the wrongs, but Penny didn’t see it happening on the day she had buried her grandmother.
“So when, Penny? When?”
“Goodness, you’re being a real jerk right now! My grandmother just died!”
A shimmer of regret crossed Jason’s face for a moment and then, just as quickly, turned stony. “And fifteen years ago, a baby I believed was mine died, a baby we were going to raise together. And when that baby died, instead of mourning the loss with the love of my life, I got gut punched by being told that she was in love with the man I thought was my best friend! So forgive me if I still feel like I need to resolve some things and I’m not willing to give you the space to run until you manage to escape town again.”
The hot anger in his eyes burned her to her core. Her stomach started to jump until she could feel it in her throat. She knew without a doubt that she couldn’t deal with Jason now. She would never be able to maintain her facade when faced with his glare, which mixed hurt, anger, and betrayal.
At least fifteen years ago she’d had Terrill there to stand by her.
Terrill had been there through it all. She had hated having to use her best friend in such a manner. If she had it to do all over again, Terrill and Jason’s friendship would be the only thing she would change. She would make it so at least those two could remain friends. Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and narrowed her eyes, summoning up indignation from somewhere, even though she felt like the person with the least right to any sort of self-righteous stance.
The fact still remained; she had just placed Big Mama in the ground. Jason just showed her once again that, when push came to shove, he really only cared about his own feelings, his own hurt.
She hurt, too. More than she could ever let him know.
“You need to leave, Jason. If you don’t leave, I’ll call your colleagues in blue and have them come and get you. I don’t think you want that. So, just continue to think of me as a whore, a slut, a heartless tramp…whatever you need to do to hold on to your bitterness and make you just stay away from me.”
…A backstabber and a slut…If I would have known you’d become such a slut, I would never have bothered with you in the first place…She could still hear Jason’s cracking voice, filled with tears and raw emotion, as he’d spat his venom at her and Terrill fifteen years ago. Three hearts had been irreparably damaged that evening, and it had all been her fault.
She walked away from him with her head held high. But, it was hard to maintain a dignified pose when she felt lower than a heel.
“You just won’t stop, will you? If you can’t cut Penny some slack on the day she buried Big Mama, then you need to leave.”
Terrill’s irritatingly calm and reasonable voice sent an angry chill through Jason’s nerves. And watching Penny strut away from him didn’t help the steady boiling in his guts.
Why had he even bothered to show up at the house after the interment? What was this sick, masochistic need he had to be in her presence, even when she had shown him exactly who she was?
He had work he could be doing, cases he could be investigating. He’d taken a few days off when he found out Penny was going to be in town. Now he didn’t know why he’d done it. What did he really hope to gain?
He had no idea. It wasn’t as if she wanted him around. He could be at the lab now working through the evidence on the newest addition to his cold-case files. He could be interviewing old witnesses to see if time had caused alliances to shift enough for friends or relatives to give up their knowledge about a crime.
A new case had just come up. A man accused of the murder of two community activists and all-around Good Samaritans over thirty years ago had gotten off based on DNA evidence. The real murderer was still out there. As part of the cold-case team, Jason should be out there finding the person who had killed the popular married couple, instead of running behind Penny and begging her to talk to him.
But something didn’t seem right. And this time he was determined to find out what it was.
“You need to mind your business, Terrill.”
“Penny is my friend. And you used to…” Terrill paused before hissing in disgust. “Jason, this just isn’t the time or the place. You should leave if you can’t see that.”
Jason could literally feel his shoulders rising and his chest bulking up with each word falling out of Terrill’s mouth. Spoiling for a fight, he taunted, “You gonna make me?”
Terrill shook his head and turned up his lips. “We’re grown men. I’m not going to resort to fisticuffs here.”
Pansy. Pretty boy. How did I ever hang out with this guy?
“Why? You scared I’ll kick your ass?” Jason leaned forward a little; the urge to give Terrill a physical shove was almost too compelling to hold back.
“No. I don’t want to give any more stress to Penny than she has at this time.”
“Well, aren’t you the perfect little boyfriend?”
“Just lay off, Jason,” Terrill hissed.
“Mind your business, Terrill.”
Carla came sneaking up on them. “You boys aren’t going to start fighting in here, are you?”
Terrill turned toward Penny’s mom and answered, “No. We aren’t.”
Jason felt Terrill might just be wrong about that. Because he needed very badly to lash out at someone, and from where he stood, Terrill, with his I’m-Mr.-Perfect aura, was the ideal candidate.
Turning to face Carla, Jason took a deep breath. Even though she had a thirty-three-year-old daughter, Carla was only forty-seven years old herself. In fact, the entire time he’d known Penny, they’d always thought of Carla as more of an older sister. She’d certainly never acted like a parent, especially not when she was hooked on drugs.
Looking at her now, Jason could see that all those years of addiction had caught up with her a little bit. While she was still a striking woman, she no longer possessed the wholesome beauty she’d had when she was younger. Her once soft looks had a hard and rough edge to them now. Her honey complexion had a dull yellow appearance in spots. Her naturally wavy hair was a tad brittle and had lost its shine. She had a lot of gray hairs mixed in with the black. Her eyes still held the same youthful, wholesome appeal, however. They danced and shimmered with mischief.
Carla opened her mouth in a wide grin, and it became apparent that one of her front teeth was badly chipped. That might have made less brazen women too shy to smile, but not Carla.
“I always wondered what Brat had that made the two of you follow her around like little puppies. Whatever it was, I guess she’s still got it. Ha!”
Knowing how much hearing the woman who gave birth to her call her Brat had hurt Penny, Jason felt a strange need to stand up for her that he quickly squelched. He wasn’t about to champion her cause. She had Terrill for that. But he reckoned he wouldn’t add any more stress to her day. She probably had enough stress, dealing with Carla.
“We were just best friends, Carla. If anything, Penny was stuck to us like glue. We just realized she wasn’t going to go anywhere until we let her join the crew.” Terrill had an almost wistful sound to his voice.
Jason raised his eyebrow and looked at his ex-best friend. No one would have been able to tell him way back then, when they were all eleven-year-olds riding their bikes and skates without a care in the world, that things would come to this. But then, no one would have been able to tell him he would fall madly in love with the scrawny, snaggle-toothed girl either.
He still remembered the first time they had all played together in the small attic apartment on Warren Street where Terrill and his mother lived. Big Mama had had to rush off for some emergency with Carla. She’d had no choice but to leave Penny with Terrill’s mom. Jason had come over to play with Terrill, and had been thoroughly disgusted that a girl was there during their playtime. The horror!
But Penny wouldn’t let them brush her off. He still remembered the way she had snatched his Rubik’s Cube and snapped, “Let me show you how to do it.” She had finished the complicated box that had had he and Terrill stumped for months in no time flat. He wasn’t even going to go into all the times she had beaten them in some race or another. She had gone from an icky girl to the coolest girl he had ever met to his second best friend by the end of the day.
“Whatever. A girl could do worse than having two strong, strapping young men such as y’all to look out for her.” Carla let out a hooting laugh, and her eyes took in Jason. “I guess you don’t really look out for her anymore, since she stomped on your heart. But you’re here anyway, huh? You can’t stay away, now that she’s back. Ha!” Carla laughed so hard she started to cough as she opened the fridge and pulled out a can of grape soda.
Ouch. “I’m just here to pay my respects, Carla.”
“Yeah, right. And I can take a hit of crack today and not have to worry about getting hooked. Somebody is swimming in the river of de-ni-al.” Carla sang the word denial like a song.
“We’re all just here to pay our respects. Big Mama always opened her doors to us and made us feel like family,” Terrill offered lightly. “We wouldn’t want to do anything that would take away from this time of mourning for your family, for Penny.” Terrill gave Jason a pointed stare.
Fine.
He would cut Penny and Terrill some slack today. But Penny wasn’t leaving town this time until she gave him the closure he needed. She owed him. He had waited fifteen years, but the wait was going to be over.
“I’ve got to go. Please accept my condolences, Carla. And please, tell Penny I will be back by later to talk with her.” Jason thought about saying goodbye to Terrill, but he wasn’t feeling that amicable. It would take a lot more than conversation for him to reach a point where he could reach out to his old friend again.
With everyone gone, Big Mama’s house felt cold and empty. Penny was just happy Terrill was still there and he wouldn’t be going back to Los Angeles tonight. Sitting with him in the only room she and her friends had been allowed to hang out in, the only room without some kind of plastic protection covering the furniture, Penny let out a sigh.
As they sat on the worn black pleather sofa that had been the bane of her existence in high school, Penny ran her hand lovingly over rips and large, exposed patches of cotton filling.
Everything about the room said 1980s bad design—from the sofa to the black lacquer, gold and mirrored coffee and end tables.
Penny couldn’t help but smile when she remembered how she’d pouted when Big Mama refused to buy cool real leather sofas for Penny and her friends to hang out on.
Big Mama had said, “Child, I’m not gonna spend that kind of money just for you and your little friends to eat potato chips and drink soda on it and tear it up. You better get this here! Stuff that you could wipe off when you get a spill!”
Terrill’s voice pulled her away from her memories.
“If you need me to stick around a little longer, Penny, I will. I can rearrange some things and do it.”
Terrill’s willingness to continually be there for her made the ball of guilt in her chest throb. She wondered what she’d done to deserve such a good friend. She knew she’d never be fully worthy of his generosity.
“No, I’ll be fine. I’m not staying around here long. Just long enough to settle Big Mama’s affairs, and then I’m out. For good.” Letting out an uneasy sigh, she turned to look at her oldest friend. “Thanks for being here for me. You’re always there for me, and I appreciate it. I know that you gave up a lot to stand by my side, and—”
Terrill interrupted her. “Don’t worry about it, Penny. But a lot of time has passed. Maybe enough time…”
Carla came waltzing in the room, her mouth wide open and spouting her nonsense. “So you ended up sticking around. I would have put money on the other one being here.” She gave Terrill her irritating grin.
“No offense, but I always thought he was a better match for Brat, anyway. His folks certainly had more money. But I guess you rollin’ in the dough now, too. Big-time record company man and all! Ha! You the one hooked Brat up with them videos?”
An excited gleam crossed Carla’s eyes, and she clasped her hands together. “You think you could hook me up? I’m thinking of moving out to Cali with Brat. I need me a change of scenery. I’m getting tired of P-Town. And Cali-for-nia, knows how to par-ty. Cali-for-nia knows how to par-ty.” Carla did a little dance as she sang the Tupac lyrics.
Oh, no, the hell you aren’t! “Carla, you can give that one up. You are not moving to California.”
“Why not? Why you gotta be like that, Brat? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much, except give birth to your behind?”
“You have got to be kidding me, Carla. Just can it, ’cause I’m not the one. You can’t guilt me into taking care of you. You have never taken care of me. I don’t owe you anything.” Penny shook her head incredulously.
“I’ll help you settle Big Mama’s affairs and help you out so you can remain here and keep this place. However, when I leave here, the only thing you’re going to see from me is a monthly check. And if you keep tripping, you’re going to mess that up.”
“What do you think, Terrill? You think it’s right that Brat is gonna to throw her mama out to the wolves? She knows I need help. But she’s just gonna go on about her little life.” Carla had the nerve to let tears come trailing down her face.
“I think if you would stop calling your daughter Brat, she might be able to make her way past all the hurt you’ve piled on her through the years. And I think the two of you need to talk and come to a space of understanding.” Terrill gave Penny a peck on the cheek and placed his arm around her for a quick hug. “I’m going to head out. I’ll stop back by tomorrow to see how you’re doing. Maybe we can go to service at Mount Zion. Call me if you need anything.”
Carla shrugged, and her crocodile tears miraculously cleared up. “Hey, don’t forget about the videos. I think I have star potential,” she called after Terrill as he made his way out of the room.
Worried that her lips were going to remain stuck in the curled-up snarl she seemed to sport lately from being forced to tolerate Carla, Penny tried to form a smile.
It didn’t work.
“You aren’t moving to California. I’d move back to Paterson before I let you move with me.”
“So I guess you’re moving back to Paterson, then. Because I’m moving to California with you when you leave here. The sooner the better.”
Penny let out a sigh and threw up her hands. How did one reason with such an unreasonable person?
Chapter 3
The constant pressing buzz of the doorbell interrupted Penny’s argument with Carla. Penny made a mental note to thank the person who had the perfect timing to show up just when Carla was trying to figure out a way to make Penny take her to California.
Is it so bad that I don’t really want anything else to do with my old life? she thought as she snatched open the door.
Seeing Jason standing there answered her mental plea to the universe. Screw you, Penny. She couldn’t catch a break.
He’d changed from the suit he’d worn to the funeral into a pair of slacks and a short-sleeved silk dress shirt. Standing there leaning against the doorway, he gave off a definite air of sexiness that made her want to kick herself for even noticing. Even surly and sulking, the man was fine.
“Why are you back here?” was what she said. Why can’tthings be different between us? was what she wouldn’t allow herself to think. It was too late for them. There was no sense dreaming things could be different.
“Can I come in?” His square jaw and taut expression told her he wasn’t about to leave anytime soon.
That didn’t mean she couldn’t try. Penny dug in her heels and leaned against the door frame.
Big mistake.
That only brought her closer to him, and closer to his cologne. Musk with a hint of seduction never smelled so good. She moved back a little. But it was too late. The whiff had done its damage.
Dang.
She’d done her best to get over him through the years. She’d had relationships with other guys, but she’d always kept herself protected. She had a wall so thick and so tall around her, no one had been able to penetrate it. She liked it that way. It was so much safer.
The fact that seeing Jason again had the strength to drill holes in her wall and shake her foundation was unsettling, to say the least. She needed to do something to keep him away. She couldn’t go through what she’d gone through back then and survive whole. Putting herself back together after she had destroyed their relationship was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. She had to continue to protect what was left of her heart.
“Why? Can’t you just leave me alone? I’m truly fine with you hating me for the rest of our lives and us never seeing each other again.” Her voice cracked as she said those words, and she barely stifled a wince.
She realized at that moment that she didn’t want Jason to hate her. Too bad what she wanted didn’t matter. Not anymore…
“Well, I’m not fine with it. You’re going to talk to me, Penny. You owe me this.” Jason pretty much elbowed his way past the crack in the door and entered the house.
“Hey! The other one is back! You just missed the third wheel. Or are you the third wheel now? I’m having a hard time keeping track of y’all’s little threesome.” Carla snickered and ran her tongue across her chipped front tooth before smirking.
Honor thy mother.
Penny cut Carla a glance meant to shut her up. But even as she did, she knew it was useless. From the time she was a kid, Carla had been finding ways to torture her and make her life miserable.
No way am I taking that woman back to Los Angeles with me.
The scowl on Jason’s face hinted that he didn’t find Carla’s antics funny, either.
Carla stuck out her tongue at Penny before turning to Jason. “I don’t know what you looking at me like that for, Mr. Policeman. I ain’t the one that’s been stringing y’all around for years. I told Brat she should have stayed with you instead of hooking up with that other one. But hey, he’s a big-time music man now, and he’s gonna set me up love-ly. Ain’t that right, Brat?”
Carla danced around and started singing the chorus to Lil’ Kim’s “Crush on You.”
One. Two. Three. Four. Fi—Aw, hell!
“Carla, leave us alone! Go do something with yourself.”
“Why you gotta be all—”
“Go!”
“Fine!” Carla turned to Jason. “You see what I have to—”
Penny put her hands on her hips and snarled, “Carla!”
“Fine, Brat!” Carla went stomping off up the stairs. A white slip hung clearly visible under the black dress Carla wore, and her pink house shoes scraped across the wood steps.
Penny watched her walk all the way up and sucked her teeth when one of the family photos fell from the wall as Carla stormed past. Penny would have to pick it up later, after she got rid of Jason.
She let out a sigh. “We can talk in the living room.” She turned and he followed her.
Too late to ask himself why he’d bothered coming back to Big Mama’s that evening. He was here now. Time to get his much-needed closure, once and for all.
Sitting in the room where he’d sipped on iced tea and talked with Big Mama each time he’d visited her, hoping she’d mention something about Penny, Jason started to wonder if he wasn’t just a little bit touched in the head. If the stony hostility bouncing off of Penny like shock waves was any indication, she probably wouldn’t be offering up what he needed.
If her taking him into the fancy formal living room with the floral, plastic-covered furniture offered any hint, then she had no desire to make him feel as comfortable as he felt when they were teenagers, hanging out in the den with the pleather sofas she hated.
She had her guard up. But what she didn’t know was that, as a detective, he’d become a pro at breaking down people’s barriers and getting them to tell the truth. It was time for her walls to come tumbling down.
“So, what do I have to do to get you to leave me alone, Jason?” Penny sat down on the sofa, and the plastic squeaked.
He sat next to her and got a strong whiff of her perfume. She still wore Beautiful. He remembered the Christmas during their junior year of high school when he’d given her the perfume for the first time, and his gut clenched. Gritting his teeth, he firmed his resolve.
“You could start by telling me the truth, telling me what really happened fifteen years ago. One minute we were having a baby and planning to get married. The next minute you had a miscarriage and I’m being told you’re in love with Terrill. You even went so far as to say the baby wasn’t mine.”
He felt his voice crack as a sharp pain laced his chest. The raw pain threatening to bubble up in his chest had to be squelched.
Penny’s copper eyes looked away and her stony gaze soon found a lot of interest in the shaking hands folded on her lap. “That’s pretty much what happened back then. So, again I ask you. What do you want from me?”
“I want you to look me in the eye and tell me what we had was a lie. I want you to look at me and tell me you had sex with my best friend. I want you to tell me the child wasn’t mine, that it wasn’t our baby. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you never loved me.”
Her hand moved to the tiny scar at the side of her right eye.
Jason knew that she always worried the scar whenever she felt under pressure or up against a wall. His eyes narrowed.
She was definitely hiding something.
Her lower lip trembled slightly, and she let out a soft sigh. “Are you a glutton for punishment or something? Why this sudden need to revisit and relive the past? We’ve been there and done that. I’ve told you all of this before. I don’t see the point in the constant repeating. So why don’t you just—”
He couldn’t let her finish, had to cut her off. “Why can’t you do it, Penny? Look at me while you cut my heart out. You owe me that. You didn’t look at me then. You kept your face buried in Terrill’s chest. I was too angry to think there was a reason why you couldn’t look at me.”
“There was no reason!”
“Then look at me, damn it!”
She lifted her head, and her ice-glazed eyes were pooling with tears. “You have no right to come in here and try and boss me around. I don’t have to answer to you, Jason. Get out of my house. I don’t want to see you…Just leave, please.”
Her bottom lip quivered again, and this time it was more pronounced. She appeared to be just on the edge of breaking.
He didn’t know if he wanted to see her broken. He could clearly see that she was hanging on by a thread.
Leaning forward, he cupped her face in his hand, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. He had no idea what he was doing or why he felt the need to touch her, to comfort her. But he had to, even though he was the one bringing her the stress.
Her lip shook even more, and the tears that had once been content to remain pooled in her eyes started their way down her cheeks.
His heart started beating faster, causing a powerful thud in his chest. It was official; he was the biggest jerk in the city…probably the state…most likely the entire country….
Letting his hand move to caress her cheek and wipe away the tears, he let out the breath he’d had no idea he was holding. “Put us both out of our misery, Pen, please.”
He sighed and placed his lips firmly over hers, kissing her with years of pent-up energy and frustration.
The startled gasp out of her mouth barely registered, and he used it as an opportunity to forge ahead with his tongue. He moved his hands and arms from her face to her back, pulling her over to him and scooping her into his lap. She felt so good against him. Every luscious part of her seemed to be made just for his hands, his only. He continued to taste and touch her even when she started to wiggle and tried to break away.
Penny placed her hands on Jason’s chest, pushing him away. Even as she attempted to do so, she couldn’t seem to get herself to stop kissing him. His taste was everything she remembered, multiplied over and over again. Lord, she could barely resist him.
Insane.
That’s what she had to be. She needed to get her behind on a plane to Los Angeles immediately.
The strength of his hold nearly took her breath away. His thighs felt like the perfect spot to rest her behind. What she wouldn’t have given to just be able to nestle closer to his rippling chest. His muscled arms wrapped around her felt so right. Yes, she needed to stop this now.
She made an attempt to close her lips, pursing them as she tried to finesse her way off his lap. All she managed to do was make him squeeze her tighter and cause him to nip and nibble on her bottom lip.
She opened her eyes and kept her mouth closed until he nipped her a little sharper.
His gaze, hooded in desire, said more to her than words could have at that point. And as if trying to prove just that, he only said one word. “Open.”
No way. She tried to push away.
He held her and nipped her lip again. His tug softened as he whispered, “Open.” It was more of a plea now.
The desire, the plea, they weakened her. Hesitantly, she yielded her lips to his demand. She wanted to kiss him forever. What did that mean?
It means you need to get your behind on the next plane to L.A.
His tongue plundered her mouth at will as his hands roamed her body. Before she knew it, she was beginning to writhe and moan on his lap. She couldn’t help it. Only when he halted the kiss did she get any semblance of control. Except for the panting breaths and the shaking body, she was the picture of poise.
“Tell me.”
“Tell you…Tell you what?” she panted.
Where had all the air gone? Why did it feel like such a struggle to breathe? What had he done to her?
“Tell me what I need to hear, Penny.”
Only a jerk would make her forget herself, forget she needed to protect her heart, forget it was too late, forget there wasn’t a future for the two of them.
Scooting off his lap and standing as best she could on shaky legs, Penny began to back away. She couldn’t look him in the eye and say those things. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t do it then, and she couldn’t do it now.
“Please leave, Jason. Now.”
“No. Not until you say it!” He stood up, too, walking toward her even as she backed way.
She blinked several times, and the tears really started to fall.
Oh, God, why won’t he just leave me alone!
Her eyes went wide, and her mouth opened and closed several times before she covered it with her hands, afraid of what she might say if she risked uttering a word.
She glanced around the room for an escape. Her eyes caught an old picture of herself and Big Mama, taken when she was ten. She was sitting on Big Mama’s lap, with two long pigtails and a big space where her two front teeth should have been. The grin on her face and the gleam in her eyes reminded her of the safety she’d always felt in Big Mama’s lap.
Her knees gave out from under her, and she collapsed to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Her shoulders shook and her body rocked back and forth as she held herself in a tight embrace, all the while keeping her gaze on the huge framed picture on the wall.
Big Mama was really gone.
Gone.
Closing her eyes, Penny let deep, painful moans leave her in quick succession. One after the other, each utterance seemed to carry its own special brand of pain.
Somebody was screaming, “No!” The loud, piercing screams seemed to shatter all the facades around her. For the first time in a long time, all of her shields were down and she felt vulnerable, bare.
The voice wouldn’t relent. It kept screaming, “No!”
She felt arms wrap around her, and she realized she was the one screaming. But she couldn’t stop.
He had pushed her too hard, and he could feel his heart breaking with each of her soul-piercing cries. He wouldn’t have known he still had a heart left to break, if he hadn’t felt the sharp shooting pain in his chest when she fell to her knees. He got up from the sofa, got down on the floor with her and wrapped his arms around her. As he held her crying, shaking body, he mentally chided himself for not picking a better time to confront her.
“I’m sorry, Pen. It’ll be okay. Just let it out, baby. God, I’m so sorry…”
Even though he figured he was probably the last person she wanted to comfort her, he knew he had to try. To his surprise, she actually leaned into his arms and buried her head in his chest. She was still sobbing, but at least she’d stopped screaming.
Carla came running down the stairs, so fast she almost slid into them. “What are you doing? What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do anything…” Not exactly the truth. “I think Big Mama’s death finally hit her and she cracked.”
The incredulous look on Carla’s face spoke volumes. She walked over to them and pushed him away. For a small woman, she packed a lot of punch. Not enough to really move him, but enough to make him get the picture—she wanted him gone.
“Get out of here. Leave her alone.” Carla dropped to her knees and reached for Penny. She pulled her until Penny fell into her arms. “I’ve got her. You can leave now. Get out!”
Penny wrapped herself into Carla’s arms. The older woman folded herself around her child and shot daggers at Jason as she did.
Soft, shuddering sobs still heaved from Penny’s chest, but it appeared as if she might be all right.
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