Heart of A Cowboy
Margaret Daley
Ten years ago Jordan Masterson left her hometown heartbroken–and pregnant. Now, yearning for connection with her family, the single mother returns to Tallgrass, Oklahoma.But she's shocked to find her son's father–unaware he has a child–a vital part of the community. Zachary Rutgers owns the ranch that the local homeschoolers use for riding and recreation. Which means little Nicholas, Jordan and Zachary will be spending a lot of time together. Jordan must tell Zachary the truth about their son–and ask for answers herself. Hoping the heart of her cowboy will still be hers for the taking.
Zachary held out his hand toward her son, ignoring her. “I’m Zachary.”
Jordan’s throat tightened. She swallowed several times, preparing herself for an onslaught of questions—possibly accusations—if her son gave his full name.
“I’m Nicholas.” He fit his small hand in the large one.
“It’s good to meet you, Nicholas. I think I’ve got the perfect little mare for you.”
As her son followed Zachary toward the barn, relief fluttered down Jordan’s length.
“So you and my mom know each other.”
“Yeah, a long time ago.” Zachary glanced back at her.
Why had she listened to her sister and come out here?
No matter how much she berated herself and the circumstances she found herself in, she would have to deal with Zachary—at least for the next hour. After that she could hightail it out of here—before he found out Nicholas was his son.
MARGARET DALEY
feels she has been blessed. She has been married more than thirty years to her husband, Mike, whom she met in college. He is a terrific support and her best friend. They have one son, Shaun. Margaret has been writing for many years and loves to tell a story. When she was a little girl, she would play with her dolls and make up stories about their lives. Now she writes these stories down. She especially enjoys weaving stories about families and how faith in God can sustain a person when things get tough. When she isn’t writing, she is fortunate to be a teacher for students with special needs. Margaret has taught for more than twenty years and loves working with her students. She has also been a Special Olympics coach and has participated in many sports with her students.
Heart of a Cowboy
Margaret Daley
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him.
—Nahum 1:7
To Ashley, Alexa, Abbey and Aubrey
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Epilogue
Letter to Reader
Questions for Discussion
Chapter One
The horse in the corral reared up, jerking the rope from his wrangler’s grip. Standing next to the hood of her car watching the interplay, Jordan Masterson stiffened. The animal’s hooves plunged down toward the man. Barely missing him.
She gasped. Even from a distance the flare of the animal’s nostrils indicated agitation. She glanced at her ten-year-old son as he climbed from her yellow Camaro.
Nicholas can’t ride. He could get hurt.
The horse’s whinny drew her attention to the corral again. The huge black animal backed up, lifting its head as it stared wide-eyed at the cowboy.
“Whoa, boy. Easy, Midnight.” The soothing cadence of the man’s deep, husky voice eased the mounting tension in Jordan as well as the horse.
The animal slowed its backward steps. Its dilated pupils contracted. The man moved in closer, all the while saying, “Easy, boy. You’re okay,” until the horse stopped. The man raised his hand inch by slow inch. Finally his fingers grazed the horse’s neck. He reached out and grasped the rope.
Something stirred deep in her memory. The cowboy’s back was to her, but Jordan noted the breadth of his shoulders, the narrow hips, the long legs, clad in dusty jeans and his worn brown boots. She ran her gaze up his well-built body to his nape where his sable hair curled against the collar of his white shirt.
“Mom, did you see that?”
“Yeah,” she whispered, more to herself than anyone.
The cowboy turned partially toward them, and Jordan drew in a deep breath and held it. His square jaw, his alert stance prodded a memory forward—one she wanted to forget. She zeroed in on his face, but his black cowboy hat shadowed most of his features until he lifted his head enough for her to see the firm set of his full lips, the tic in his jawline, the frown that graced his expression. Panic seized her, tightening its squeeze on her lungs. A panic that had nothing to do with the temperamental horse in the corral.
Zachary Rutgers.
Her high school sweetheart. The man who broke her heart.
His sea-green gaze zoomed in on hers. Suddenly Jordan was whisked back eleven years to the last time she saw that scowl that now transformed his tanned features into a hardened countenance. Even from yards away the tension that poured off him blasted her.
Breath trapped, Jordan pivoted away, gripping the frame of the car door. “Nicholas, maybe you shouldn’t learn to ride right now.” She schooled her voice into a level tone while inside her heartbeat galloped like a runaway stallion.
“Ah, Mom, you promised I could when we moved here.”
“But…” I can’t do this. We can’t be around Zachary.
“I really want to ride.”
Her son’s intense stare drilled into her, reminding her yet again of the promise she’d made. One she needed to break.
“You said I should do something physical.”
Her own reasoning was going to come back and bite her. Nicholas was a child who would stay buried in his books if she didn’t get him out of the house and doing some activities. He was ten but was more comfortable around adults. His genius-level IQ often made him the butt of other kids’ jokes. Something she had hoped would change when they’d moved back to Tallgrass. It hadn’t.
“Hon, let me ask around. I’m sure there are other places you can get some riding lessons.” Just not at this ranch. Not with this cowboy.
Her son swiveled toward the corral and grinned at Zachary, who was striding toward them.
“Jordan, I didn’t realize you were back in town.”
I didn’t realize you were, either. “Yeah, I moved back a few weeks ago. When did you and your wife move back?”
“Wife? I’m not married.”
He looked from her to her son. “What can I do for you?”
Not married? But he had been engaged.
“Aunt Rachel said you give riding lessons out here.” Nicholas straightened his shoulders. “I want to learn to ride. Maybe be in a rodeo one day.”
Rodeo? Where had that come from? Jordan’s panic, centered on Zachary, suddenly shifted to her son. Participating in rodeos was dangerous.
Zachary pushed his hat back from his forehead. “Well, partner, the only lessons I give are for the kids in the Helping Hands Homeschooling group. Are you part of that?”
Nicholas threw a glance back at her. “Mom?”
A homeschooling group? Jordan heaved a sigh and slammed the car door, then rounded the front of her Camaro. “No, we aren’t. Sorry to bother you.” She had intended to grasp her son’s hand and get out of there as quickly as possible. Before any questions were asked. Why hadn’t her sister and mother told her Zachary was living in Tallgrass?
Nicholas stepped out of her reach and even closer to the fence that separated him from Zachary. “May I see some of the horses? I’ve never been on a ranch.” His grin grew to encompass his whole face. “I’ve read all about how a ranch works and how to train horses.”
Zachary slid a glance toward her, his gaze boring into her for a full minute. Behind the hard glint a hundred questions lurked—ones she didn’t want to answer. Her own anger bubbled to the surface and shoved the panic down. He was the one who had gotten engaged so soon after their breakup.
“Please, mister.”
Zachary wrenched his attention from Jordan. His face relaxed its harshness, and he actually smiled clear to the green depths of those eyes that had captured her interest when she’d been a junior in high school.
“Tell you what. I have three kids coming out to ride. They should be here soon. If it’s okay with your mother, you can join them this time.”
No, it isn’t okay. The words screamed through Jordan’s mind while her son swung around with that puppy-dog look that turned her to mush.
“Mom, may I please?”
Only her son would ask and be grammatically correct. Zachary’s gaze fell on her, too, and she resisted the urge to squirm. In the end he was the one who had walked away from their relationship. And she wasn’t going to let him make her feel guilty.
Jordan tilted up her chin and looked Zachary square in the face. “That would be fine. I appreciate your making an exception this once. Shouldn’t you run it by your boss first, though?”
He lowered his hat to shield his eyes. “I own the Wild Bill Buffalo Ranch.”
His answer really didn’t surprise her since Zachary used to spend time at his uncle’s ranch in southern Oklahoma. Had he fulfilled his dream of being a bull rider on the rodeo circuit? What happened to the woman his mother said he was engaged to? There was so much she didn’t know about him now—purposefully.
“C’mon. I’ll get you hitched up with a horse and give you a few pointers before the others arrive.” Zachary moved a few steps to the gate of the corral and opened it. “I’m Zachary.” He held out his hand toward her son, ignoring her.
Jordan’s throat tightened. She swallowed several times, preparing herself for an onslaught of questions—possibly accusations—if her son gave his full name.
“I’m Nicholas.” He fit his small hand in the large one.
“It’s good to meet you, Nicholas. Let’s go. I think I’ve got the perfect little mare for you.”
As her son followed Zachary toward the barn, relief fluttered down her length. Nicholas’s undersize frame fooled many people into thinking he was younger than ten. In this case, she was glad because it gave her time to decide what to do about the fact that she and Zachary now lived in the same town again.
“So you and my mom know each other.”
“Yeah, a long time ago. We went to school together.” Zachary glanced back at her.
His limp as he entered the barn caught her attention. A riding accident? The second the question popped into her mind, she shook it away. She didn’t want to know the answer to that query. She didn’t want to have anything to do with him.
At the entrance Nicholas stopped and waited for her to catch up. Reluctantly she hurried toward him. Why out of all the activities and sports she had mentioned to him did Nicholas pick riding horses? Why had she listened to her sister and come out here? She suspected she knew what Rachel was up to and would have a word about her meddling.
No matter how much she berated herself and the circumstances she found herself in, she would have to deal with Zachary—at least for the next hour. After that she could hightail it out of here—before he found out Nicholas was his son.
Ever since Zachary had come back to Tallgrass, his past with Jordan would sneak into his thoughts, his dreams. He’d found himself wondering about her more and more. Now she was here at his ranch. He hadn’t been prepared for her surprise visit. Memories—both good and bad—overwhelmed him as he glanced back at Jordan with her son. Her life had gone on just fine without him.
Her son was what? Around eight? Obviously Jordan hadn’t wasted any time finding a replacement for him. His gut solidified like the hard ground when he was thrown from a horse. His leg aching more than usual, Zachary stalked toward the stall to fetch a horse for the boy to ride.
Zachary led the mare into the center of the barn. He certainly had a right to be mad at her. She’d left him. Not the other way around. When she’d received the scholarship to the art school in Savannah, he’d tried to be happy for her. But there was a good one within a few hours of Tallgrass, and yet she’d decided to go to the college in Georgia. He’d given her his heart, and she’d left it to spend four years at a place halfway across the country.
The night before she’d left for Savannah, they had a huge fight. Their views of their future together had been so different, and she’d decided to break it off with him. They needed their space. He’d waited two months for her to change her mind. Then when he couldn’t stay in Tallgrass another moment, he’d joined the army. He’d needed to get away to decide what he wanted to do with the rest of his life.
And he’d never heard from her after that—until now. Eleven long years later. Too late for them.
Chapter Two
“Mom, are you okay?” Nicholas asked as he stood in the barn entrance.
Jordan cut the distance between them, the odors of dust and musky grass squeezing her throat. “Seeing that horse in the corral reminded me how dangerous riding can be.” But even worse was seeing Zachary again. Now she was faced with several dilemmas. The first being should she tell Zachary he was Nicholas’s father and change everything? It had been so long. She didn’t know if she could.
“I’ll be all right. I’m tougher than I look.” Her son puffed out his chest.
“I know, honey, but this really isn’t a good idea. Let’s thank him and leave.”
“Mom, you’re babying me again. I’m ten years old.”
Jordan’s gaze zoomed in on Zachary leading a horse out of a stall, hoping he hadn’t heard how old Nicholas was. She couldn’t have the conversation she knew she now had to have in the middle of a barn with her son looking on. This wasn’t the time or the place—if ever there was one. But she would have to soon on her terms. After all, Zachary walked away from her, refusing to return her calls.
“Fine. But if I think it’s getting too dangerous, you’ll get off immediately and that will be the end of riding.” A few years ago, she’d almost lost Nicholas. She wouldn’t lose him now.
“I know what you’re thinking. My atrial septal defect has been fixed. My cardiologist says I’m fit as a fiddle. While I never thought of a fiddle as especially being fit, the point he’s making is I’m fine now.”
Jordan shook her head. There wasn’t much she could get past her child. She flitted her hands. “Go. Have fun.” For now. She’d find something else he’d enjoy that would give him some physical activity to make him forget about the horses.
“I will.” Nicholas covered the short distance to Zachary, who had the chestnut mare already saddled and ready to go.
“There’s a mounting block outside that you can use.” Zachary led the horse out the back double doors, never once looking her way since he’d left her standing by the corral.
Jordan trailed after the pair, wanting to be close for Nicholas but far away because of Zachary and his possible questions. Lord, what do I tell him? He wanted nothing to do with me after we broke up that summer after graduation.
Before she knew it, her son was sitting on a horse that was huge. If he fell off, the ground would be a long way down and the impact would be hard. As Zachary gave Nicholas a few instructions on how to sit properly in the saddle, use the reins and get the animal to do what her son wanted, Jordan stepped a little closer to the paddock where they were. Zachary walked beside Nicholas and the mare as they circled the corral.
The deep timbre in Zachary’s voice as he explained to her son what to do flowed over her, prodding memories forward of those fun times they had shared before everything had fallen apart. The memory of the feel of his long fingers as they combed through her hair or the brush of his lips over hers sent her heart beating faster.
She jerked back from the fence, putting some space between them. She would not fall for Zachary Rutgers again. Even if he was Nicholas’s father and not married now, she would keep her distance. If she never told him about Nicholas being his son, then it would be easy to keep away. If she did, they would be connected always.
Zachary glanced toward the entrance into the barn. “Ah, I see the others are here.” As he peered away, his look brushed over her, reminding her again of the soft feel of his lips grazing hers. “Sit here for a few minutes, partner. I’ll be right back.”
After tying the horse to the fence, he passed her striding toward the large double doors. His gaze homed in on her, his eyes narrow, his mouth set in a tight line. The we’ll-talk-later stare held her rooted to the ground although her first inclination was to whirl around and flee. Again her anger flooded her. He acted as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. She refused to break the visual connection first.
He looked toward the barn when a child called out his name. His steps lengthened, and he quickly disappeared inside. Jordan let out a long breath and sank against the fence post nearby, her legs weak, her hands shaking.
“Isn’t this cool, Mom?”
Her son’s question forced her to pull herself together. She was discovering how much anger she still had toward Zachary for leaving her when she’d needed him the most.
“You might hold the saddle horn.” She moved toward the mare. If he fell, maybe she could catch him before he hit the ground. She’d remembered Zachary once having a broken arm from being thrown from a horse, and then there had been the accident at the Oklahoma Junior Rodeo Finals. Him lying crumpled in the dirt. The dust created from the horse finally settling around Zachary’s prone body. Whatever had possessed her to agree to come out here in the first place? She hadn’t really thought the riding lessons out.
Zachary approached with three kids. “Nicholas, this is Jana, Randy and Ashley. They’ll be riding with us.”
Her son greeted each one as they led their horses out of the barn to mount. His grin spoke of his joy and pushed Jordan’s fears to the background. She’d be right here as he rode around in the paddock. She’d be right here to make sure he didn’t go faster than a walk.
“Uncle Zachary, can we go for a ride to the stream?” Ashley sat atop her mare, her dark brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.
Randy swung up into the saddle. “Yeah, it’s getting hot today. It’d be fun wading in the water. Can we?”
“I don’t know. Nicholas is just learning.” Zachary rubbed his hand along the stubble of growth on his jaw.
“But I did my first time riding.” Jana took off her cowboy hat and fanned her face.
“I’d love to go for a ride. Please.” Her son threw in his own plea.
“Let me get my horse.” Zachary started for the barn.
Jordan stepped into his path. “Nicholas doesn’t know how to ride. He can’t go.” Over his shoulder, she could see the hopeful look on her son’s face fall.
The intensity in Zachary’s eyes bored through her as though it could make her move away. “He’ll be okay. But he’s your son.”
Yes, he was. She’d been in labor for thirty-six hours alone. She’d raised him alone. Watched him go through the surgery to repair his heart defect alone. “He’d never been on a horse until fifteen minutes ago.” She hated the fact she felt as though she had to justify her stance.
“If I remember correctly when I taught you how to ride, we went riding in a meadow not long after that. Doing it in a paddock isn’t what I really call riding.”
She remembered one time when they had ridden across a pasture, galloping, the wind blowing through her long, loose hair. And they had ended up kissing for the first time under a large oak tree when they had finally stopped. Heat flushed her cheeks at the remembrance of his lips on hers.
“He’ll be okay, Jordan. Nothing ever happened to you riding.”
“But it did to you.”
“If it’ll make you feel better, come with us.” His voice held no emotion. It was as though she were a stranger to him.
“I haven’t ridden in years.”
“It’ll come back to you.” He skirted around her and strode into the barn.
Chewing her bottom lip, Jordan peered at her son, who patted his mare. Should she go?
When Nicholas stared behind her, his face brightened. Jordan swept around and saw Zachary leading two horses out of the barn. He handed the reins of one to her, their hands brushing against each other. His eyes widened for a few seconds as he peered down at where they had briefly connected. With a shake of his head, he quickly stepped away and swung up into the saddle of his mount.
He’d felt the electric jolt just as she had. She massaged her fingertips into her palm, trying to erase his touch. It had been nearly impossible as a teenager and still was.
She glanced at her son then at the mare next to her. “Okay, I’ll come along.”
“Yippee!” Nicholas shouted, pumping one arm into the air.
Ashley rode in the lead with Jana next to her. Randy followed with Nicholas slightly behind him and to the side. Zachary waited for Jordan to go next then took up the rear. As they crossed the meadow, heading toward a grove of trees, the feel of Zachary’s gaze zapped a fiery trail down her spine. In less than an hour in his presence, he tempted her to forget eleven years of heartache. No, she wouldn’t let him get close this time.
She listened to her son talk with the other children, who willingly answered his questions about Key Elementary although all of them were homeschooled. Nicholas had only been attending the school for ten days. He hadn’t said much to her, but she sensed the same teasing was happening there that had at his previous one in South Carolina. Her son was a scholar and a pacifist besides being a grade ahead and small. She’d questioned him on the way out to the ranch about how school was going, and he had gone silent. A sure sign something was wrong with her talkative son.
“He’ll be all right.” Zachary came alongside her.
She slowed the horse’s gait and let the kids get a little farther ahead because she didn’t want Nicholas to overhear anything that might lead to questions—at least not until she knew what she was going to do about Zachary. She’d tried to tell him about Nicholas, but when he hadn’t returned her calls, she’d decided she could do it without him. She would never force anyone into a relationship he didn’t want. “Who?” she finally asked although she knew he was referring to her son.
“Nicholas.”
She wasn’t so sure Nicholas would be all right. A couple of kids at his last school had been awful to him, making his life so miserable that she decided to move back home before school started in August. She was tired of doing everything without any family support, and her mother had said she needed help with Granny. Now at least she had her mother, grandmother and sister here. In all those eleven years, she’d only returned to Tallgrass a couple of times, the last time two years ago when her sister’s husband died unexpectedly from a heart attack.
“He’s a natural when it comes to riding. He knows instinctively how to flow with his horse.”
Jordan studied Nicholas for a moment and had to agree. He was a natural—like his father.
“Are you always this uptight or is it just around me that you get that way?”
“Uptight?”
He gestured toward her hands gripping the reins. “Relax. Maybelle is sensitive to her rider.”
“Do you blame me? We didn’t exactly end our relationship on a good note.”
He nodded his head toward Nicholas. “It looks like you found someone to replace me pretty fast. What’s your son? Eight?” A tic twitched in his jawline, its strong set strengthening even more.
“How about you? I thought you would be married by now.” The last time she’d called Zachary’s mother to get hold of him, she would never forget the news the woman imparted before she could tell Zachary’s mom about the baby. He was engaged to someone he served with in the army, and he was still stationed overseas. His mother might as well have said, “Out of your reach.”
“No. Where’s your husband?” His gaze held hers captive, a hard glitter to his eyes.
What happened to your fiancée? She bit the inside of her mouth to keep the words inside. She wouldn’t let him know how much that had hurt her when she’d discovered he’d moved on only seven months after they had broken up. “I’m not married.”
“What happened to Nicholas’s father?”
“He hasn’t been in the picture for quite some time.”
“Sorry to hear that—” he paused for a long moment “—for your son’s sake.”
But not mine. His unspoken words cut her to the core. The pain sliced through her in spite of her efforts to distance herself. Anger rose. “How long have you been back in Tallgrass?”
“A couple of years. Becca found this ranch for sale for me. The deal was too good to turn down.”
“How’s your sister?” Becca had been the first one she’d talked to when she’d called after the doctor had told her she was pregnant. She’d only been at art school in Savannah for two and a half months. The news had rocked her world, and she hadn’t known what to do. She’d desperately needed to talk with Zachary, but he’d enlisted in the army and was at boot camp. Becca had promised her she would tell Zachary to call. He never did.
“She’s still married to the same man, and they have three kids. They live here on the ranch, too. Ashley is the oldest.”
Jordan glanced toward the children. Zachary’s niece slid from her horse and tied its rein on a tree limb. Jordan nudged her mare to go faster as Jana and Randy dismounted, too. Her son started to bring his leg over and drop to the ground.
“Hold it, Nicholas,” she shouted, mentally measuring the long distance from the horse to the patch of grass below the mare. “I’ll help you.”
“Jordan, he’s doing fine. Let him do it himself. That’s the way he’ll learn.”
She slanted a look toward Zachary. “But…”
“See.” Zachary pointed toward her son, who’d slipped to the ground and like the others was tying up his horse. “Why are you so protective?”
“That’s how mothers are supposed to be.” She’d come so close to losing Nicholas. She didn’t know what she would have done if he’d died. He was her world.
“Yes, protect but not smother.”
“What do you know about being a parent?” Her hands curled around the reins, and she pulled harder than she should have to halt the mare. He hadn’t wanted children, or at least that was the impression she’d gotten when they had talked about the future right after high school graduation. At the time, his dreams had centered around the rodeo—not having a family.
A flicker of pain glinted in his eyes before a frown descended. “You’re right. I don’t have personal experience raising a child, but I was a boy once. I know he needs a little breathing room.”
He dismounted and strode away from her before she could think of a retort, some kind of defense for herself. She shouldn’t have lashed out at him. He was right. Nicholas had told her that on more than one occasion, especially when she’d wanted to march up to the last school and face those kids who’d teased Nicholas and made fun of him. If it had started again, she would have to do something different. She wouldn’t let her son be miserable for another school year.
Zachary stood at the edge of the stream that ran through his property and watched the kids wade across it. Their giggles peppered the air and brought a smile to his mouth. He’d enjoyed living near his niece and nephews, but at night he always went home to an empty house with no child’s laughter to fill it or bedtime stories to tell. And yet, Jordan had moved on with her life and had all of that with Nicholas.
The boy captured his attention as he bent down and stared at something on the ground. He picked it up and straightened. When he saw Zachary staring at him, Jordan’s son crossed the creek and approached him.
“Look what I found. This is a Terrapene carolina triunguis.” Nicholas held it up for Zachary to see. His expression must have conveyed surprise because the child added, “A three-toed box turtle. They were common where I used to live. They eat insects, worms, fish, berries, snakes.”
“Did you have one as a pet?”
“No. They’re better off in their natural habitat. I have a dog named Tucker.”
What eight-year-old kid knew the scientific name of a turtle? At least he assumed that was what the child spouted off. “Do you like science a lot?”
Nicholas shrugged. “It’s okay. I really enjoy math the most. I’ve been working on algebra, but tell you a secret—” he leaned toward Zachary “—Mom’s not very good at it. I have to teach myself.”
“Teach yourself? That’s mighty ambitious.”
“I love to learn.” Nicholas set the turtle on the ground.
Like his mother. Jordan had always been a good student while he’d been more interested in sports, especially riding. She’d helped him with his classwork and he’d taught her to ride. For a brief moment he allowed himself to recall some of the good times he and Jordan had in high school—when she’d helped him cram for a test and he’d made an A or when he’d worked odd jobs to save enough to buy her a necklace the first Christmas they’d been together. The glimpse of her smile had made it all worth it. Randy’s voice calling Nicholas pulled Zachary away from the past—thankfully. He didn’t need to remember.
Jordan’s son flashed him a smile. “Gotta go.” He whirled and raced toward the other kids.
Zachary watched the children talking. Nicholas pointed at something in the creek and Jana squealed, ducking behind Randy. A brown, foot-long snake slithered through the water. Zachary slid his attention to Jordan. Her eyes grew round, and she backed away from the stream. She never did like snakes.
He chuckled, remembering that time he’d found one on her porch. She’d jumped into his arms so fast he’d staggered back, almost losing his balance. But he’d recovered and tightened his embrace, cradling her against him. The onslaught of memories cracked a fissure in the wall about his emotions.
Those carefree days were over. She’d walked away from him and never looked back.
“We better get back to the barn.” Zachary started for his horse.
“Do we hafta, Uncle Zachary?”
He glanced at his niece. “Yeah, Alexa will be here to pick up Jana.”
Nicholas had already crossed the stream while the other three were still on the opposite side. They reluctantly followed. For a few seconds a yearning for what he didn’t have inundated Zachary. But he pushed it aside. He just had to be satisfied with having a niece and two nephews. And staying out of Jordan’s way.
Chapter Three
Sore, Jordan slid to the ground back at the barn half an hour later, keeping her eye on her son to make sure he dismounted okay. He did, almost like a pro. She had to admit everything Nicholas did he did well. He was quick to pick up things. But usually they weren’t physical activities.
Jordan caught sight of Zachary taking a few extra moments to explain to her son how to take care of his horse after a ride. Nicholas absorbed what Zachary told him with his usual intense concentration. She knew that after this he wouldn’t have to be told again. Zachary patted him on the shoulder. The smile her son gave Zachary right before he strode away to tend to his gelding stirred doubts in her that she hadn’t made a good choice all those years ago.
That brief scene confirmed she had to tell Zachary about Nicholas soon. There was no way she could keep her secret if they were both living in such a small town. He was bound to find out some way or another. She still didn’t know how she would break the news. Tell Zachary first or Nicholas? She felt in over her head. But maybe this was one of the reasons she’d finally come home. She wanted Nicholas to be surrounded by family—even Zachary’s. It would be to her son’s benefit, and maybe for once, she wouldn’t feel so alone in this world. Yes, she’d always had the support of her mother, grandmother and sister, but long-distance support wasn’t the same as immediate face-to-face interactions. And yet, for years she’d lived far away from that support because of her feelings toward Zachary.
Could she really tell him? If she kept quiet, she wouldn’t have to see him. She could even leave Tallgrass. He never had to know. That idea suddenly appealed to her because every time she thought of telling him about Nicholas, her stomach coiled into a hard ball.
“Hi. Jana told me your son had his first riding lesson today.” A young woman with long, curly mahogany hair and soft, dark brown eyes stopped next to Jordan. “I’m Alexa Ferguson, Jana’s stepmom.”
Jordan shook the hand the twentysomething offered her. “Nice to meet you. My son enjoyed getting to know Jana and the others. He can be shy around new kids.”
“So can Jana, but this year she’s come a long way.”
“How so?”
“The best thing my husband did for Jana was take her out of school and teach her at home. She’d developed separation anxiety when her mother divorced Ian and left. She was afraid she was going to lose him, too. She needed that time with her father. I don’t advocate that for every child because a school placement is right for a lot of them, but some need something else. Jana was one of those.”
“So you think homeschooling is a good option for some?” Is that what Nicholas needs?
“Jana has blossomed since she’s been at home. When I’m not taking classes, I help Ian teach her. This past couple of weeks, I haven’t had a chance as much since I’m doing my student teaching, and to tell you the truth, I miss working with her.”
“So it’s been a positive experience?”
“It’s been great. I’m finishing my elementary education degree, so it’s a good experience for me. She’s bright, and we’ve had so much fun.” Alexa hiked her large purse up on her shoulder.
“But you know what you’re doing.” She didn’t know the first thing about homeschooling. What if homeschooling was the answer if Nicholas continued to have problems at school? She’d never studied to be a teacher like Alexa. How could she teach her child with his high IQ? But she should check into it.
“The beauty of being part of the Helping Hands Homeschooling group is you have support from other parents who are doing the same thing and have probably gone through the same problems. Most of them don’t have formal educational training.”
“Zachary mentioned something about being involved with the organization.”
“Are you thinking of homeschooling your son?”
Jordan searched the area and found Nicholas talking with Randy, both boys relaxed, grinning. “I never thought about that option for him until now.” She didn’t know what to do. Going up to the school, talking with the teacher and principal really hadn’t taken care of what Nicholas had needed at his last school.
“Why don’t you come to an HHH meeting this week and talk with others who’ve been involved a long time. I’ve only been doing it since January.”
Jana ran up to Alexa. “Can Ashley come home with us today?”
“Sure. Your dad is working on the bench for your room so he’ll be busy in the garage.” After Jana whirled around and raced to her friend, Alexa returned her attention to Jordan. “I hope I’ll see you Wednesday night. I’ll introduce you to some of the others.” She rummaged in her big purse, pulled out a pad of paper and wrote an address down on it. “This is where we have our meetings.”
Jordan stuffed the note into her jeans pocket. She just might take Alexa up on her offer, especially if her son continued to have social problems. Yesterday morning, his second Friday, he hadn’t wanted to go because of a stomachache, but today he’d had a great time interacting with the kids at the ranch.
After Alexa gathered Jana and Ashley to leave, Jordan called out for Nicholas to get into the car. Then she crossed to where Zachary stood by the corral with the horse that had been frightened earlier. He glanced at her when she came up to the railing next to him.
At the stream after he’d stomped off, they hadn’t said a word to each other, but she needed to thank him at least. Soon enough their rocky relationship could be even rockier if she told him about Nicholas. “Thanks for letting us stay and for giving Nicholas a riding lesson.”
“No problem.” He kept his arms resting on a slat of the fence, his gaze trained on the horse in the paddock. “Even though I don’t have any children, I love having them here at the ranch.”
Ouch! The jab at her earlier statement scored a direct hit, especially when he did have a child although he didn’t know it. “I’m sorry I said that. It’s obvious children respond to you. The kids enjoyed the ride today, especially Nicholas.”
“And that’s why he’s welcome to come out here and ride. He doesn’t have to be part of the homeschooling group for him to be included. I saw how much he enjoyed it.” His tightly clasped hands attested to how much that invitation had cost him.
“Can I get back to you on that?”
“Sure. I’m here most days.” He shoved himself away from the railing and turned toward her. “For the lessons you can just leave Nicholas and come back in an hour. Most parents don’t stay.”
There had been a time they had spent every possible moment together. Now it was obvious he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. Which was the way she wanted it. What would he do when or if he discovered Nicholas was his son? For a few seconds she considered telling him and just getting it over with. The words were on the tip of her tongue. But she peered to her left and saw her son making a beeline for them. She didn’t want everything to change with that revelation. She needed to do some thinking, praying.
“Thanks for the riding lesson. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.”
If she had been thinking of refusing Zachary’s invitation, her son’s declaration stopped that.
“You’re welcome to come anytime.”
“Really? Great!” Nicholas beamed. “Mom, can I come next Saturday? The others will.”
“We’ll see. Right now we need to get home. Nana’s gonna wonder where we disappeared to.” Jordan started for her car.
“But Aunt Rachel knows. She’ll tell her.” Nicholas halted his progress toward the Camaro, swung toward Zachary and waved. “Bye. See you Saturday.”
Jordan wanted to tell Nicholas no, but she knew she couldn’t deny him an opportunity to ride, especially since it was his father who would be teaching him. As she pulled away from the barn, she glimpsed Zachary leaning back against the railing, studying her with those intense green eyes.
His last expression, totally unreadable, stayed with Jordan the whole way home. Twenty minutes later she pulled into the driveway of the two-story house where she’d grown up. Her sister lived down the street. After years away, she and Nicholas were finally surrounded by family members—more than she’d counted on when she’d decided to return to Tallgrass.
“I need to take care of Tucker. I’ll be out back.” Nicholas hopped from the car and raced toward the backyard and the dog that had been his companion through his ordeal to fix the hole in his heart.
Inside she found her mother lying down on the couch in the den with a cold pack on her forehead. Jordan started to back out of the room when her mom shot up.
“How did it go riding?”
Jordan sank into a chair, her muscles protesting the afternoon ride, her head pounding with tension from dealing with Zachary. “Why didn’t you or Rachel tell me Zachary owned the ranch?”
Her mother’s eyes widened. “Maybe your sister knew, but I didn’t. I’d heard he was back in town, but that’s all.”
“Well, then, why didn’t you tell me that at least?”
She swung her feet to the floor and faced Jordan. “Because I was afraid you wouldn’t come home. Isn’t he the reason you’ve stayed away?”
“My work kept me in South Carolina.”
“Your graphics design business can be done from anywhere. You had a few clients there, but you’ve managed to serve them from here, haven’t you?”
“Okay, you’re right. Most of my clients are from all over.”
“See, I knew it.”
Jordan removed the rubber band that held her hair off her neck. She shook her curls loose, running her fingers through them. “It’s hot out there.”
“It’s August in Oklahoma. That means hot. And you’re avoiding talking about your encounter with Zachary.”
“I didn’t know that was what we were talking about. Why the cold pack?”
“Your grandmother is driving me crazy.” Her mother frowned. “And you’re doing it again. It’s obvious you ran into Zachary. How did it go?”
“I’ve been manipulated by my son into taking him back out to the ranch for more lessons with Zachary as the instructor. Not something I’m looking forward to.”
“Are you going to tell him about Nicholas?”
The question shot Jordan to her feet. She hurried to the entrance and checked to make sure her son wasn’t anywhere he could overhear, then moved back to the chair and plopped down. “I don’t want Nicholas to know until I’m ready to tell him. He thinks his father didn’t want to be involved with us.” Which was what she had convinced herself of. Now she wasn’t so sure of anything. Even if Zachary found out about Nicholas, he might not want to be in his son’s life, but after today she realized she probably should have pursued getting in touch with him more than a couple of times. But her feelings had been so hurt she couldn’t bring herself to make another call that might go unreturned.
“He never questioned you about his father?” Her mother schooled her voice into a whisper.
“Sure, when he was young. I think he saw how upset I got by the subject that he decided not to ask any more questions.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“That’s a good question. One I need an answer to.”
“Hon, you’ve got to figure that out yourself. I know it’s been rough raising Nicholas by yourself, especially with his heart problem, but the doctor said he was fine now, that the surgery was a success. You’ve done a wonderful job with him.”
“But, Mom, I’ve made some big mistakes.” She was blessed to have Nicholas in her life and wouldn’t trade him for anything. But a mistake she had been paying for these past eleven years was believing that she and Zachary would be together forever and giving herself to him before they were married.
“We all make mistakes. Remember Christ was the only person who walked this earth who was perfect. I’m not perfect. You aren’t. Zachary isn’t.”
“I know, but in South Carolina I could forget that Zachary was the other half of Nicholas. Here I can’t. I discovered that today. My past has caught up with me.”
“Then you need to tell Zachary right away.”
“I’ve got to find the right place and time. I want to tell Zachary before I say anything to Nicholas. I owe Zachary at least that much. I’m giving myself some time to figure it out. What to say. Where to say it. I’m not rushing into it. I’ve got to do it right.”
Her mother pushed to her feet, clutching the cold pack. “You always have to analyze everything. You never rush into anything. Don’t wait too long, hon. The truth needs to come from you and frankly Nicholas looks a lot like Zachary.”
Her son’s features were similar to Zachary’s, but Nicholas’s hair was blond and his stature was small like hers.
“As sharp as your son is, he might figure it out if given the time and given the connection between you two.”
Jordan stood. “Okay, you’ve made your point.” She couldn’t have that. She needed to decide how and when.
“Now if I could only make my point with your grandma.”
“What’s going on with Granny?”
“She has a date tonight.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Don’t you think eighty is a little old to start dating after being a widow for twenty-five years?”
Jordan chuckled. “It’s wonderful. Where did she meet him?”
“At church. He’s a widower. Doug Bateman lives down the street. She can barely walk without her walker, but I think she’s been sneaking out to meet him in the park.”
“She’s an adult. I think she can do what she wants.”
Her mother snorted, rounded the coffee table and crossed the den to the doorway. “I’m gonna see if I can get more support from your sister,” she mumbled as she left the room.
Jordan eased into the chair again. The throbbing beat of her headache pulsated behind her eyes. She buried her face in her hands and massaged her fingertips into her forehead.
I need help, Lord. I don’t know how to tell Zachary or Nicholas. Everything will change if I do.
“Ashley told me a new kid named Nicholas joined them today riding and his mother is Jordan. Do you have something to tell me?” Becca approached Zachary not an hour after Jordan had left the ranch with her son.
Zachary slanted a look at his sister standing on the other side of the corral fence with her hand on her hip. “Nope.”
“The other day I heard Jordan Masterson came back to town. Was that her?”
“Why didn’t you tell me she was back?” He removed his hat and tapped it against his jeans. “I don’t like surprises.”
“I didn’t think she would come out here.”
“So it was okay not to say anything to me? I was bound to meet her sometime in Tallgrass. We have a number of the same friends, and I’m sure she’ll get reacquainted with them.”
His older sister studied him. “I thought you had moved on.”
He’d thought so, too. Until he’d seen Jordan and all the old hurt came back. His gut burned as if acid eroded it. “As much as I’m enjoying this little chitchat, I’ve got to train this horse.” He gestured toward Midnight, warily watching him on the other side of the paddock.
Becca huffed, her mouth pinched into a frown. “If you need to talk, you know where the house is.”
As his sister left, Zachary made his way toward Midnight. He’d wanted a family, children, and couldn’t have any now. But in spite of the rodeo accident that snatched away his dream he’d carved out a life here in Tallgrass, and Jordan had come back and disrupted everything.
Why couldn’t she just stay away? Leave him in peace? All those years ago he’d fled his hometown because every place he’d gone reminded him of Jordan. Even when he had joined the army—anything different to take his thoughts off Jordan—in the back of his mind he’d clung to the hope she would call and come back to him. She never did, and he was left to pick up the pieces. When he had patched his life back together, he’d vowed she would never break his heart again.
And now he’d gone and agreed to teach her son to ride. Now he would have to see Jordan once a week. He didn’t want a weekly reminder of what could have been.
“Ms. Masterson, Nicholas seems to be having a hard time adjusting to this school. He knows the rules, and yet he snuck into the school at lunchtime when he was supposed to be outside on the playground. His teacher found him sitting at his desk when she came in after eating lunch.”
Seated in front of the elementary school principal on Wednesday, Jordan crossed her legs, shifting to try to make herself more comfortable. But there was no way around it. She felt as though she’d been sent to the principal’s office, rather than her son. “Was he disruptive or doing something he shouldn’t in the room?”
“No, but that’s not the point. He wasn’t supposed to be there.”
“Did you ask him why he came inside early?”
“He wouldn’t say why.” The principal scanned a piece of paper. “And I’ve got a report from the nurse that he’s going to her almost every day complaining of a stomachache or something else being wrong. Have you taken him to the doctor to make sure he’s all right?”
“Last week and he’s fine.” Jordan rose, gripping her purse in front of her like a firewall. “I’ll talk with him.” It was the same situation as his last school. He didn’t fit in easily. She needed to do something to make his learning years more enjoyable.
As the older woman came to her feet, she leaned into her desk. “Maybe he shouldn’t have skipped a grade.”
“That’s something the school in South Carolina did to keep him interested in his studies. The curriculum was too easy for him. Is he having problems academically?”
“On the contrary, his grades so far are excellent, but socially…” The principal averted her gaze for a moment then reestablished eye contact and said, “Frankly, he doesn’t interact with the other children much. I’m concerned about him.”
“Thank you. I’ll talk with Nicholas today about following the rules.” Her son always followed the rules. Which made this new behavior troubling.
When Jordan emerged from the principal’s office, Nicholas pushed himself off the wall and trudged toward her. With his head down, she couldn’t see his expression.
“We need to talk in the car.” She didn’t want others to overhear their conversation. She was determined to get to the bottom of what was happening to Nicholas.
Five minutes later with the air-conditioning cooling the interior of the car, Jordan sat behind the steering wheel in the parking lot of Key Elementary, Nicholas in the front seat next to her. “What’s going on at school?”
“I don’t understand the other guys’ fascination with video games and football.”
Well, neither did she but that didn’t solve the problem her son had. He was more comfortable with adults. “Are they making fun of you?”
“I’m supposed to play dumb.” Nicholas looked directly at her. “I can’t do that. If some of them would do their homework, they could answer the teacher’s questions. I’m bored and miserable.”
“How about the enrichment class?”
“It meets twice a week for an hour. I need more. Randy was telling me about being schooled at home. May I try that? That way the class won’t hold me back. I can learn at my own rate.”
And going up another grade wasn’t an option. “I’ll think about it. I’ll even go to the Helping Hands Homeschooling meeting tonight and see what they have to offer.” Jordan pulled out of her parking space and headed to the street running in front of the school. “Because, Nicholas, I’ll need help, and I want to make sure I can have opportunities for you to socialize if I homeschool you.”
“I don’t think like kids my age.”
“You seem to like Randy, Jana and Ashley.”
“Yeah, they’re different.”
Maybe if she could get Nicholas to socialize outside school, it would work better for her son. She was glad the HHH meeting was that evening, but she needed to know more before she committed to homeschooling. Was that the best option for her son? Could she provide him with the needed academics as well as opportunities to be with other kids?
Would Zachary be there? He’d said something about going because he was involved in the planning of an HHH Junior Rodeo Event at the ranch. She’d tried calling him several times since Saturday to set up a meeting with him, but each time she’d hung up before the phone had even rung once. The thought of seeing him that evening sent her pulse racing through her body. Should she even go?
When Jordan and Nicholas arrived at the Tallgrass Community Center where the Helping Hands Homeschooling group’s meeting took place, the first person she saw was Zachary standing near his older sister, Becca.
“Mom, I see Randy. He told me to join him when I came.”
“Fine.” She couldn’t take her eyes off Zachary.
He lifted his head and fastened his gaze on her. For a brief moment she was swept back to the time he’d approached her after a football game for the first time. Her heart reacted as it had then—tapping a fast staccato against her rib cage.
Something akin to that look they had exchanged all those years ago flickered into his eyes. Then suddenly he banked the fiery gleam. Even from across the large room she saw the tensing of his shoulders, the hardening of his jaw as though he gritted his teeth.
She tore her attention away. Not far from her, Alexa stood with a tall man who wore wire-rimmed glasses. Plastering a smile on her face, Jordan headed for the young woman she’d met at the ranch. Maybe she could work her way toward Zachary and casually find out about his work schedule.
Because her mother was right. She couldn’t postpone this discussion concerning Nicholas much longer. If she told him, she needed to do it soon. The longer she waited the more she would have to explain.
“It’s great seeing you at the meeting. Are you thinking of homeschooling?” Alexa asked after introducing Ian to Jordan.
“I’m thinking about it. I wanted to find out what re sources were available to someone like me who doesn’t have any training in teaching.”
“Dr. Nancy Baker, the founder of HHH, is a professor at Tallgrass Community College. She has a lot of materials and books available that you can access.”
“Before you two talk shop, I see Zachary. I need to see him about the HHH Junior Rodeo Event. Nice meeting you.” Ian nodded toward her, squeezed Alexa’s hand, then weaved his way through the throng toward Zachary.
For a few seconds Jordan’s gaze followed Ian’s path until he reached Zachary, who caught her looking. She quickly averted her eyes. “I’d like to check into homeschooling. Nicholas isn’t doing as well as he should at school right now. He’s so bright, but his potential isn’t being met. I’m not sure, though, I can do any better. He’s been studying algebra on his own with some help from me, but it’s been a while since I did it. I’m having a hard time keeping up.”
“Ian is starting his second math group involving algebra for homeschoolers next week. We have a medical doctor in this group who teaches a different science course every three months—human anatomy starts in September, too. Those courses are part of the co-op classes some of the kids tap into.”
“So I don’t have to teach every subject? Because there are a few I’m not good at.”
“No one is. If you have some kind of expertise, you might want to offer a course for the group, but it’s not a requirement.”
“My job is a computer graphic designer. It might be fun doing something with that. I’ll have to think about it.”
“Let me introduce you to Nancy before the meeting begins.” Alexa searched the large room. “Ah, I see her talking to Ian and Zachary.” The young woman started for them.
Jordan braced herself with a deep breath and followed Alexa. Maybe no one else sensed the tension flowing from Zachary as she and Alexa joined the small group with Ian and Nancy, but Jordan did. That tic in Zachary’s jawline jerked.
“This is Jordan, Nancy. She’s thinking about homeschooling her son.” Alexa stepped next to Ian, who slipped his arm around her shoulder.
Nancy shook Jordan’s hand. “Great. If you need any help, there are plenty of us to ask.”
“I wondered if I could come look at your materials. Nicholas needs a lot of enrichment, and I want to make sure I can give it to him.” Jordan shifted from one foot to the other, conscious of Zachary next to her. Only inches from him, her arm prickled as though there was a physical connection.
“Fine. How about we set up a time to talk, and then you can look through the resources? Say tomorrow morning at eleven?”
“I appreciate that. I don’t want the situation at school to go on too long.”
“Then I’ll see you at eleven. Now if you all will excuse me, I need to get this meeting started. We’ve got an HHH Junior Rodeo Event to plan for in October.” Nancy walked toward the front of the room.
“What’s going on at school?” Zachary’s deep voice, with a husky edge, broke the momentary silence.
Suddenly Jordan faced him alone because Ian and Alexa moved off to sit in a row not far away. “He’s teased a lot because he’s smart. He has trouble socializing with some of the kids his age. But mainly Nicholas isn’t being challenged enough in school.” She didn’t want to go into too much detail. That could lead to questions she wasn’t prepared to answer.
He scanned the group of children filing into the room off the main one. “It looks like he’s getting along great with Randy.” He gestured toward Nicholas, who was laughing and talking with the boy as they trailed behind the group of kids. “I know that Randy wanted to learn to ride as much as your son did. Nicholas will be a good addition to the Saturday riding group. They both have a fascination with the rodeo.”
“Nicholas said something to you about that?”
“Yes, he wanted me to teach him to ride a bronco.”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
“He could learn some of the less risky activities like barrel racing.”
Racing! Falling off a horse going fast! She ground her teeth and kept those thoughts to herself. As Nancy started the meeting, Jordan realized they were the only two not sitting. Two chairs nearby seemed the logical choice for them to sit in, but she didn’t want to be seated next to Zachary. How in the world was she going to handle him being in Nicholas’s life as his father?
Chapter Four
Why was he sitting next to Jordan at this meeting? The question needled Zachary with pinpricks of awareness of the woman who was only inches away from him. The hair on his arm near hers actually stood up as though at attention. He’d suffered through the past hour while the group planned the HHH Junior Rodeo activities scheduled to be at his ranch, but he’d hardly heard what had been said. The turmoil in his mind drowned out the voices. Worse, when he’d been called on to give his opinion, he’d barely been able to manage a coherent sentence in answer.
Since he saw her on Saturday, he hadn’t been able to get the blonde dynamo out of his thoughts. She’d plagued his awakened moments and his sleep until exhaustion clung to him like sweat on a hard-ridden horse. She had no right to turn those dark brown eyes on him as though they hadn’t parted ways after a nasty fight that had left him reeling eleven years ago. She’d been angry when she’d seen him in the corral a few days ago, as if he’d been the one who’d fled Tallgrass and hadn’t looked back. He’d stayed around two months waiting for her to come to her senses. But not a word from her.
If his dream had been fulfilled, they would have been married, possibly with two or three kids by now. He hadn’t wanted children right away, but he’d always wanted to be a father someday. But instead he’d decided to get as far away as possible from Tallgrass because of the constant reminders of what he and Jordan could have had.
After nine years he’d returned home, ready to put his life back together. He was through running from the home he’d loved and needed to put down roots. He was ready to complete one of his dreams—to own a ranch and raise horses, some of which were used in the rodeo. That was about the only way he was going to participate in the sport he’d loved after his injury in a bull trampling two years ago.
Suddenly, he noticed the people surrounding him and Jordan rising. The meeting was over? He blinked, wondering where the time had gone and what he’d agreed to as far as the HHH Junior Rodeo.
Zachary shot to his feet, needing to escape before Jordan totally befuddled him. He started to hurry away when her hand clamped on his arm and that tingling awareness became a flash through his body. Sweat beaded his brow. She’d always had that effect on him.
“I need to talk to you. Can we get together sometime soon?”
Her question threw him off-kilter. Talk to him? Get together? Why? He wanted to stay far away from her until he could tamp down the lingering feelings he had for her. Because being rejected by her once was enough. “I’m busy.” For a second his gaze clung to her full lips—lips that he’d one time loved to kiss.
“This is important.”
He dragged his focus to her chocolate-brown eyes, concern in their depths that tried to wheedle its way into his heart. “Is this about Nicholas?”
She blinked, her face going white. “Yes, how did you know?”
“Let me assure you I meant what I said on Saturday. He can still take riding lessons even if you don’t decide to join this group. I don’t go back on my word.” Realizing she still clasped his arm, he shook it free. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go.”
“But…”
He didn’t wait for her to say anything else. Quickening his step, he escaped outside and drew in deep breaths of the hot summer air. The light breeze cooled his cheeks.
Nicholas. The boy’s name flitted through his mind. She’d moved on without him, had another man’s son—loved another man. He’d tried to move on and for a short time had even become engaged to a girl after he’d been on the rodeo circuit a few years. After his bull riding accident, she’d left him. Audrey had wanted to have children, and he wouldn’t be able to give her any. No, he’d decided not feeling anything was so much better for him. He had his ranch and was doing what he loved to do, raising horses. That was his life now, and he wasn’t going to let Jordan’s return change his plans nor the memories of their good times together.
Jordan looked up from working on her laptop to see her sister come into the kitchen. “Have you been hiding from me?” She clasped the edge of the table.
Rachel poured herself some coffee and sank into the chair next to Jordan. “Granny told me I’d better come down or you were going to send out a search party.”
“Yeah, I have a beef with you. You sent me to Zachary’s ranch last Saturday and now I’m stuck taking Nicholas there tomorrow. What were you thinking?” She couldn’t keep her rising ire from resonating in her voice.
“That you two needed to work the past out.”
“Have I interfered with your life?” Rachel had never been able to resist meddling.
“Only because you’ve been in South Carolina until four weeks ago. In time you’ll be right in the middle like you were as a child.”
“Me? Telling you what you should do? You’ve always done that. Don’t. I can live my own life now.” The words exploded from Jordan’s mouth like compressed soda in a shaken bottle.
“I’ll always care about you. I can’t stop being your big sis.”
“Sister, not mother.”
Rachel’s gaze connected with Jordan’s. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology deflated Jordan’s annoyance. She couldn’t stay mad at her sister for long. Growing up, Rachel had protected her. She’d listened to her. She’d been there through the pain of her breakup. “I know,” she murmured, her tone a ragged stream.
Rachel took a sip from her mug. “Hmm. Your coffee is so much better than Mom’s.”
“How do you know I made that?” After Jordan closed down the program she was working on, she pushed her laptop to the side and lifted her mug to take a drink.
“Because you got Granny’s cooking genes. Mom didn’t. I didn’t.”
“Speaking of Granny, who is this Doug person?”
“A sweet man who is seventy and taken with our grandmother.”
“Seventy! She’s robbing the cradle.”
Rachel raised her forefinger to her lips. “Shh. Don’t let her hear you say that. She’ll probably outlast Doug by years.”
She wished she were as together as her sister or Granny. “Rachel, I need help. What am I gonna do?”
“Tell Zachary about Nicholas?”
“Do you know what that will do to me?” Jordan bit down on her thumbnail, then suddenly realized she’d reverted to a bad habit and said, “See what I’m doing just thinking about the havoc that will cause in my life. It took me years to break myself of biting my fingernails. Now I’m doing it again. Home less than a month.”
“Zachary has a right to know whether he wants to be in Nicholas’s life or not. It’s his choice. Not yours. I told you years ago that you needed to get in touch with him.”
“I know I need to do it. I just don’t know how. I can’t march up to him and say ‘Nicholas is your son.’”
Rachel winced. “No, you need to cushion the news a little.”
“Like you did when you told me Zachary owned the ranch?” The urge to chew on her fingernails inundated her. Jordan sat on her hands instead.
“Just do it. The longer you think about it the more upset you’re going to be. Quit analyzing the problem to death.”
“I can’t change who I am.”
“Oh, but you have. You used to take risks. Now you think everything to death.”
“Yeah, well, finding out you’re pregnant with a child whose father doesn’t want to have anything to do with you can go a long way to curing you of taking risks.”
Rising, Rachel finished her last swallow of coffee and strolled to the sink to set her mug in it. “I’m going back into hiding. Let me know when you tell him.”
“If I tell him,” Jordan couldn’t resist saying to her older sister’s back as she left the room.
Jordan slid into the pew at the Tallgrass Community Church between Nicholas and her sister.
“I’m glad you could make it,” Rachel whispered.
She smiled sweetly at her only sibling. “With the move I’ve been swamped, but I’m working to strengthen my faith. I’ll admit I let life interfere in South Carolina.”
“Did you tell him yesterday when you went to the ranch for Nicholas’s lesson?”
With a glance at her son, she bent toward Rachel and lowered her voice to the barest level. “No and don’t bring it up.”
At that moment the music began to play, signaling the service would begin in a few minutes. Jordan bowed her head and folded her hands together in her lap.
Lord, I’m here like I promised, but I’m still clueless what to do. Yesterday I couldn’t have gotten the words out to say anything to Zachary if my life depended on it. Where do I start? How do I do it? Please help me. Amen.
A commotion behind her drew her attention. First Becca then Ashley, Mike and Cal entered the pew. Next came Becca’s husband, Paul, with Zachary on the end, right behind Nicholas.
Her son twisted around and grinned at Zachary, waving his hand. “Howdy.”
Howdy? Her son had never said that word in his whole life. She groaned and kept her gaze focused straight ahead. But the hairs on her nape tingled.
“Mom, Zachary is behind us.”
Every nerve ending was acutely aware of that fact. “Shh, hon. Church is about to start.” Which thankfully it did with the choir marching in singing “Onward, Christian Soldiers.”
Zachary rose as the rest of the congregation did to sing the opening hymn, but he could hardly concentrate on the words of the song. Not with Jordan standing within arm’s length of him. So close he could tug her into an embrace. That thought sent panic coursing through him. He should have expected her to show up at church with her family attending the same one as he did and prepared himself better—hardened his defenses against Jordan, who had always managed to get under his skin like a burr in a saddle blanket.
After seeing Jordan with Nicholas yesterday at his ranch, he didn’t know if he could continue teaching her son how to ride. The boy reminded him of Jordan. He liked him a lot—probably too much.
When he looked at Nicholas, all he could think about was the child he never would have. The boy should have been his with Jordan. That had been his plan all those years ago. They would marry. He would make his living on the rodeo circuit until he had enough money for a ranch. Then they could start a family. He had his ranch thanks to a fruitful career on the rodeo circuit for five years. But now he couldn’t have any kids—not since the accident in the National Finals in bull riding. It had left him lame and unable to father the children he’d always wanted.
He sat again after the song, his hands clenched at his sides. There were a few days imprinted in his mind forever—when he first met Jordan, when they broke up and when he’d nearly died in the ring, riding a two-thousand-pound bull.
The longer he stayed in the pew behind Jordan the tenser he became. When the service ended an hour later, his muscles ached like they did when he was trying to rein in an untrained horse.
Nicholas turned toward him. “I didn’t know you go to this church. That’s neat. I had a great time yesterday.”
“I’m glad. Before long you’re gonna be riding rings around the others.” There was no way he couldn’t teach the boy how to ride. He had to find a way to stay away from Jordan and still help Nicholas. But he was beginning to think that would be impossible.
Nicholas beamed. “I want to be the best.”
Jordan angled toward her son. “The best what?”
“Rider. I hope to participate in barrel racing at the HHH Junior Rodeo.”
Jordan’s eyes grew round. “You do?” Then her mouth firmed into a thin line.
“Yes. If I’m good, Mom, then you won’t worry about me.”
“Hey, Nicholas, want to join us?” Randy called from the aisle.
“Okay, Mom?”
“Fine. We’ll be in the rec hall,” Jordan said while the rest of her family filed out the other end of the pew.
Leaving Zachary practically alone with Jordan. Even his own family had abandoned him. He faced her, the muscles in his neck tightening even more than before until he didn’t know if he could speak, which reminded him of the time years ago when they had first talked. He’d been sweaty, tired and tongue-tied, but he’d needed to make sure she was okay after her fall while cheerleading at the game.
“All the way home yesterday Nicholas couldn’t stop talking about his lesson. I wish I had stayed to watch it. I had an errand to run, but I’ll stay next week.”
“Don’t,” slipped out of his mouth before he could stop the word.
Her forehead creased. “What do you mean?”
“I think the less we’re around each other the better it is. Let’s face it. The time when we were friends is past. You go your way. I’ll go mine.” There was a part of him—a desperate part that couldn’t believe he was saying that to her. But it was true. Their time together was in the past. “But Nicholas—”
“He’s a joy to teach. He’s welcome to come for the riding lessons. But I want you to drop him off and come back to pick him up.” Because if she stood around watching, that would be all he would focus on. And he needed to concentrate on working with the kids, not on Jordan. She distracted him more than he wished. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my family.”
Striding away before she wanted to talk more, he scanned the near-empty sanctuary, surprised that most of the churchgoers had left. That was Jordan’s effect on him. She had the ability to wipe away his common sense. He could still remember that time years ago when he had been competing at a rodeo and Jordan had been late arriving to watch him. When he saw her sit in the stands, he kept his attention on her a few seconds longer than he should have. He ended up on the ground, his arm broken, berating himself for losing his concentration. He wouldn’t let her get close enough to do that again. Too dangerous.
On the following Tuesday Jordan parked in front of the barn in nearly the same place as she had on Saturday for her son’s second riding lesson. This time Nicholas wasn’t with her. This time she was on a mission: to find Zachary, get him alone and tell him about his son.
She knew she had to and waiting would only make it worse. Knots riddled her stomach, and she hadn’t eaten much in the past twenty-four hours. For a moment at church on Sunday, she’d contemplated telling him then, but he’d hightailed it out of the sanctuary so fast she hadn’t had a chance. It probably hadn’t been the best place anyway. They needed to be totally alone.
She saw the same black pickup as she had Saturday. She hoped that meant he was inside. Trudging toward the entrance, she surveyed the ranch. Several corrals with some horses surrounded the black barn. A little farther away were green pastures with groups of horses, some with colts and fillies. His place had a well-tended look about it, which didn’t surprise her because that was the kind of person she’d known as a teenager. He took care of his own.
Inside, the hay-scented air cooled a couple of degrees. She peered down the long center of the cavernous structure with stalls on each side. “Zachary,” she called out.
A short wrangler stuck his head out of an open door. “You just missed him. He’s at his house.”
“The blue one by the road?”
“No, ma’am. He lives due west. A small white place. You can’t miss it if you stay on the dirt road that runs in front of here.”
She smiled although the corners of her mouth quivered. “Thanks.” Seeing him at his house would be perfect. They could talk without being disturbed.
A few minutes later, she pulled up to a one-story white house, again well tended with a small vegetable garden to the left and a flower bed running the length of its front. Exiting her car, she inhaled a calming breath, full of the scent of the recently mowed grass. A swing hung from the ceiling of the wraparound porch, offering a comfortable haven at the end of the day. A sense of peace enveloped her as she took in her surroundings.
That peace was shattered a few seconds later when the front door opened and Zachary emerged from his house with a scowl on his face. She stiffened. The carefully prepared speech she’d rehearsed for hours wiped completely from her mind as he descended the steps and strode across the lawn toward her. His features were schooled in a neutral expression.
“What brings you out here?” His voice remained flat like the prairie around them.
Seeing him suddenly made her want to postpone telling him. Forever. The muscles in her throat convulsed. She backed up a few steps until she bumped into her car behind her and she couldn’t go anywhere else. Trapped.
I need to leave. How could they work together for Nicholas’s benefit? “I have to talk to you.”
“What do you want?”
“A glass of water.”
His brow crinkled. “What?”
“Water. I’m thirsty.” Anything to delay what she needed to do.
“You came all the way out here for water?” He threaded his fingers through his hair.
“No, but I could use some first.”
Several heartbeats later he shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He spun on his heel and marched toward his place.
Jordan fortified herself with another deep breath and trailed after him.
He banged into the house, closing the door on her.
The barrier didn’t bode well for the conversation she had to have with him. She sought the comfort of the porch swing and sat. Lord, I need your help. Please give me the right words to say to him.
The door opened, and Zachary came outside holding a tall glass with ice water in it. He handed it to her then lounged against the white railing and folded his arms over his chest.
Her hand trembling, she sipped several gulps of the cold water although it did nothing to alleviate the tightness in her throat. “Thank you. That hit the spot.”
His biceps bunched. “Why did you come all the way out here, Jordan? What’s going on?”
“I needed to talk to you in private. I thought this might be a good place and time.”
His jaw clenched. “For?” He crossed his legs, totally closing himself off to her.
Her heart pounded so fast and loud she wondered if he heard it. Perspiration broke out on her forehead, upper lips and her palms. “Nicholas…” Her son’s name came out in a whispered rush, the air sucked out of her lungs.
“Is this about homeschooling? I don’t know anything about that. Talk with Becca if you want. She could answer your questions.”
She put the glass on a table near the swing before she dropped it, then ran her damp palms on her capri jeans. Her chest rose and fell with the deep inhalation. “No, I went by and talked with Dr. Baker last Thursday. I’ve decided to take him out of school and teach him at home. I’ve got to do something different because what he’s doing now isn’t working.” The sense of doom and the sensation of being cornered besieged her as though she were under attack.
“Then what is it?”
Tell him. Before you lose your nerve. “Nicholas—” The blood rushed into her ears. She gripped the edge of the swing, her fingernails digging into the wood, her breath trapped in her lungs. “Nicholas loves coming out here, and I want to thank you again for giving him lessons.”
A sigh blew out between pursed lips. “What is it you’re avoiding? This isn’t like you not to come to…” His gaze latched onto hers. She could almost see the wheels turning in his head. He shoved away from the railing, not one emotion on his face. “How old is Nicholas?”
“He turned ten in April. He’s small for his age. He was born a month early. Nicholas is your son.”
He slumped back against the wooden post, clutching it. The dark stubble of his beard accentuated a gray pallor. His eyes fluttered. A flush of excitement glimmered in his expression. But quickly joy morphed into a bitter twist like a bundle of barbed wire. “You kept my son from me?”
She nodded slowly—all words lumped together into a huge knot in her throat.
His gaze clashed with hers. He opened his mouth to say more but snapped it closed, his teeth clicking from the force. Pivoting away, he clamped his hands on the railing and leaned into it. With his shoulders slumped forward, he dropped his head.
She collapsed back against the swing, twisting her hands together in her lap. She should have eased into the news. Cushioned the blow. But it wouldn’t have really made a difference. It wouldn’t change the fact Nicholas was his son.
Finally he turned slowly toward her. The painful look in his eyes tore down all her reasons for never telling him and made a mockery of the hurt she’d experienced at him not contacting her. Then a shutter fell over his face. He wore a cold mask as though they were strangers—adversaries, and she supposed they were now.
“Why didn’t you tell me this eleven years ago? Even a week ago?”
The lethal quiet of his words sent a chill down her spine. He wasn’t innocent in this whole affair. She’d given him two chances, and he’d ignored her—hurt her and left her to deal with Nicholas’s birth and illness by herself. She’d learned the hard way to rely only on herself and God. No one else. Certainly not him.
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