The Baby That Changed Her Life
Louisa Heaton
‘You’re pregnant.’When midwife Callie Taylor agreed to be the surrogate mother for her best friend Dr Lucas Gold she couldn’t have predicted that his marriage would fall apart exactly when she became pregnant with his child…Suddenly her life has changed for ever, and Callie’s terrified of becoming a mum to the baby she never dreamed of keeping. Even more terrifying are the feelings she’s starting to develop for Lucas—feelings that have nothing to do with her hormones…and absolutely everything to do with his scorching kiss!
Her heart began to pound as her breath caught in her throat. Her skin had come alive at his touch, tingling and yearning for more.
He’s going to kiss me!
And she realised she wanted him to. Wanted it more than anything else in the whole wide world!
She sat up slightly and met him halfway, wrapping her hand behind his neck, embedding her fingers in his tousled hair and pulling his face towards hers, meeting his lips with hers, indulging in a wonderful, tentative, exploring first kiss.
Fireworks were going off throughout her body. She felt tense and relaxed and excited all at once. Her hands itched for his touch, to be holding him. Their mouths opened as the kiss deepened and his tongue took hers, and then she was breathing him, kissing him, holding him, in a way she’d never felt with a man before. His bristles scorched her face and it was a sweet agony as passion took them both by surprise and hunger for each other burned them to their very core.
This is Lucas!
Of course it was! He’d been there in front of her all this time, the man for her, and she’d let him be just a friend for all that time—not knowing, never allowing herself to think about it. Why hadn’t she thought about it?
Perhaps I did. In fact I know I did!
She’d once let the thought of what it would be like to sleep with Lucas occupy her mind for many a night. But she’d not wanted to risk their friendship. She’d always dismissed it.
I need to breathe.
She couldn’t remember how. Instead she continued to kiss him, to feel his soft hair in her fingers, his chest against hers, the yearning for more …
For so long she’d wondered what it would be like. This moment. This kiss. Yet she knew she had to stop it. Knew she had to let him go. Because this wasn’t meant to happen!
‘We shouldn’t do that.’ She sounded breathless. ‘We can’t risk it … there’s a baby now.’
Dear Reader (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
Hello, and welcome to my very first Mills and Boon
Medical Romance™! I wanted to kick off my medical writing career exploring an issue that has always fascinated me, and so I knew I had to do a surrogacy story.
I’m nowhere near brave enough to be a surrogate myself, but I am eternally fascinated and proud of those women who do volunteer to have a baby for someone else. In this story that woman is Callie Taylor—a midwife, a fascinating woman who loves babies but has never wanted one for herself. Or so she thinks …
It led me to thinking: just what happens when the surrogate has doubts about what she’s doing? When I heard about women who’d ended up keeping the baby I knew I had to explore this with my characters, Callie and Lucas. They both deserve love and I hope you will enjoy their journey as much as I enjoyed writing about it.
I would love to hear from readers. If you want to contact me you can do so at Twitter, on @louisaheaton (http://twitter.com/louisaheaton), on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/Louisaheatonauthor (http://www.Facebook.com/Louisaheatonauthor), or on my website: www.louisaheaton.com (http://www.louisaheaton.com)
Warmest wishes
Louisa
LOUISA HEATON first started writing romance at secondary school, and would take her stories in to show her friends, scrawled on lined A4 paper in a big red binder, with plenty of crossing out. She dreamt of romance herself, and after knowing her husband-to-be for only three weeks shocked her parents by accepting his marriage proposal and heading off to Surrey to live with him. Once there, she began writing romance again and discovered the wonderful world of Mills & Boon
Medical Romance™.
After four children—including a set of twins—and fifteen years of trying to get published, she finally received ‘The Call’! Now she lives on Hayling Island, and when she’s not busy as a First Responder she creates her stories wandering along the wonderful Hampshire coastline with her two dogs, muttering to herself and scaring the locals.
Visit Louisa on Twitter, @louisaheaton (http://twitter.com/louisaheaton), on Facebook, www.facebook.com/Louisaheatonauthor (http://www.facebook.com/Louisaheatonauthor), and on her website: www.louisaheaton.com (http://www.louisaheaton.com)
THE BABY THAT CHANGED HER LIFEis Louisa Heaton’s debut titlefor Mills & Boon® Medical Romance™!
The Baby
That Changed
Her Life
Louisa Heaton
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
For Nicholas, James, Rebecca, Jared and Jack xxx
Table of Contents
Cover (#uf6bdc2d5-1ae1-5fce-afb8-b362c485f123)
Excerpt (#u5fb7d53f-8d72-5cb9-abd4-36ff3c9dcce1)
Dear Reader
About the Author (#ubb8e7f07-2728-523d-bd90-972ba3bf4111)
Title Page (#ubb60f212-af03-5242-9405-4506e429292f)
Dedication (#u81d5ec49-3365-595d-9ea9-adc5528aa091)
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
EPILOGUE
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
PROLOGUE (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
CALLIE TAYLOR STARED at the pregnancy test kit. She felt the weight of it in her hands. There was no point in reading the instructions—she already knew what they said. Knew the simplicity of its words: ‘One line indicates a negative result. Two pink lines indicate a positive result’.
Simple words but such a momentous implication. Life-changing. Well, just for nine months, maybe—because, as a surrogate, she’d be giving the baby away after it was born. But even then … being best friends with the father of the baby meant the baby would always be in her life …
Callie opened the box, pulling out the thick wad of paper wrapped around the end of the two kits, and threw the instructions in the bin. She knew how these things worked. As a midwife, she conducted many a test—especially when she worked in the fertility clinic. She placed the second kit back on the shelf and tore through the wrapping around the first.
She had never considered for even one moment that she would be doing this test on herself, and yet here she stood.
What was she doing? Had she made the right decision to do this? To be a surrogate? What if things didn’t work out? What if she fell in love with the baby?
No, course not … I’d never do that.
She splashed her face with cold water and dried her hands.
Pee on the stick. That was all she had to do and she would know.
Could there be any doubt? It had to be positive, didn’t it? She already felt sick and tired all the time. And she kept eating biscuits.
Not much of a sacrifice, though, was it? A big waistline and labour. That was all she had to get through to give Lucas and Maggie their much wanted baby. Callie could do that. And she didn’t have to worry about wanting to keep the baby because she’d never wanted kids anyway.
No biggie.
So why aren’t I peeing on this stick?
She held the slim white plastic tube in her fingers, staring at it. Her bladder felt full. There was only one thing to do …
She did what she had to and put the cap on the stick, sliding it between the taps on her sink.
I’ll look at it in a moment.
Just as she was finishing washing her hands her doorbell rang. They were insistent, whoever they were. Ringing constantly, a finger held on the button, determined not to stop until she answered the door.
‘Oh, God … Who is it?’ she called out. If it was someone she didn’t know, then she wasn’t going to bother answering it at all! Did they not know that she had a life-changing moment going on here?
Leaving the bathroom, she glanced around at the state of her flat. It wasn’t too bad. There were cups here and there and on the coffee table, papers, magazines and an open packet of gingernuts. Clothes were draped over the back of the sofa, the radiator, and the whole place had a bit of an uncared-for air about it. It looked a mess.
Like me. Besides I’m in my pyjamas.
‘Callie, it’s me … Lucas!’
Lucas. The father. Maybe …
Okay, I have to answer the door for you, at least.
‘Hang on.’ Callie moved quickly down her hallway, grabbing stray items of clothes and tossing them all in her bedroom. She ran her fingers through her hair, hoping she didn’t look too much like death warmed up, and pulled open the door, trying to seem casual.
‘Hi,’ Lucas said. He looked awful.
She frowned. Lucas looked pale, distracted. Not his usual self.
Callie followed him into her lounge. ‘You okay?’
It wasn’t like Lucas just to turn up like this. Normally he’d ring to let her know he was coming round, just to make sure it was all right and she wasn’t going out.
Lucas stood in the centre of Callie’s lounge, hands in his jacket pockets, looking very uncomfortable. ‘No, not really—no.’ He fidgeted in his pockets, bit his lip. Then, with nothing better to do, he sat down on the couch in a sudden movement, waiting for Callie to join him.
‘What’s up?’ She hoped this was going to be a quick conversation, considering the state her stomach was in.
Lucas shrugged, unable to meet her gaze. ‘Everything. Everything’s up.’
Callie felt awkward. Normally in this situation a friend would reach out, lay a reassuring hand on a knee and say, Hey, what’s up? You can tell me. But Callie didn’t feel comfortable doing that. It wasn’t who she was. She didn’t do reassuring physical contact.
Except with her patients. Somehow it seemed okay to do it with them. It was her professional persona. It wasn’t her. That was Midwife Callie, not Real Callie.
Lucas smiled at her, but it was strained—one of those brave smiles that people tried to put on their faces when in reality the last thing they wanted to do was smile.
Callie was even more at a loss.
‘Hey … what’s wrong?’ She edged closer. She could manage that and resist the urge to put her arm around him.
‘It’s Maggie …’
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked quickly. ‘Is she sick?’ Callie really couldn’t imagine anything worse than that.
‘No, not sick. That would be easy to deal with … No, she’s worse than sick.’ His voice had a tinge of anger to it now, and Callie found herself frowning.
‘Then what is it?’ She dreaded asking. What would he say? Had she been in an accident? Was she at death’s door? In a coma? If it were any of these things, then how would the baby situation work? She’d only agreed to be a surrogate because there was no chance she’d be expected to take care of the baby …
Oh, God, I’m going to be expected to take care of the baby …
Horror and fear grabbed her in their vice and she began to feel icy-cold, almost to the point of shivering. She closed her eyes at the onslaught, hoping that when she opened them again everything would be good and Lucas would tell her something nice.
Lucas took in a deep breath. ‘She left. Walked out.’
He looked at her in disbelief and waited for her reaction. His eyes were strangely empty of tears, despite the news.
‘Left? But—’
‘She’s been having an affair, apparently. Some doctor in A&E. I don’t know—I think that’s what she said. She said I didn’t love her enough, she wasn’t happy, and she’s gone.’ He stood up then, unable to sit still a second longer, sighing heavily now that he’d told her the important news. He turned to her and did that brave smile thing again. ‘Good thing you’re not pregnant yet.’
His words echoed around her skull like a bully taunting her in the playground.
Of course. She’d told neither Lucas nor Maggie about feeling a bit dodgy these last few days. She’d kept it to herself so that if it were true that she was having a baby it would be the best surprise to give them …
Only now it was backfiring as a great idea. There was a test in the bathroom, currently marinating, about to tell them both their future. She could be pregnant. With Lucas’s child and no Maggie to play the part of mother!
So who would be mum, then?
Callie recoiled at the thought, looking away from Lucas and shifting back in her chair. She nibbled on her nail, worrying about all the implications.
She’d never wanted to be a mother—that was the whole point! It was her gift to Lucas and Maggie: the most perfect gift you could ever give to your best friend. A baby. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes … all for them to look after, allowing her to swoop in occasionally on visits and bestow a few ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ before sweeping out again. The perfect—and distant—godparent.
And that was all. Callie wasn’t meant to have a bigger role than that!
Sitting there, she felt numb. She knew she needed to go to the bathroom. To check that result. All she had to do was excuse herself …
Callie leapt to her feet and turned to Lucas to say something, but he’d gone. Her eyes tracked a movement to her left and she saw him disappearing into her bathroom …
‘No!’
The bathroom door closed and she heard him lock the door.
Oh, God …
She waited.
And waited.
She heard the flush of her cistern, then the running of her sink taps. Closing her eyes in disbelief, she could see in her mind’s eye him picking up the test on the sink and finding out that …
That what? It could still be negative, couldn’t it? There was every possibility that the egg salad she’d eaten last night had been off. And the day before that? Maybe that jacket potato had been past its sell-by date …
Lucas emerged from the bathroom. He held the test in his hand and came back into her lounge, looking perplexed. His every step was heavy. Then his gaze met hers. ‘You’re pregnant?’
She stared at him, hearing the words but needing confirmation still. ‘It’s positive? Two lines?’
He turned it round so she could see and, yes, there were two solid pink lines.
Callie’s mouth went dry. Sinking back down onto the couch, she felt her head sink into her hands. Tears burned her eyes with a fire she’d never felt before.
‘You’re pregnant.’
This time it wasn’t a question.
Callie sat numb, aware only of Lucas sinking onto the couch next to her, just an inch or so away.
She hoped he wouldn’t put his arm around her, or tell her everything was going to be okay, because how could he? How could he know?
Neither of them had any idea.
So they sat in silence, staring only at the carpet.
CHAPTER ONE (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
DR LUCAS GOLD sat next to Callie in the ultrasound waiting room, wishing he had something he could do with his hands. Nerves were running him through with adrenaline, and he had to fight the strong urge to get out of his seat and pace the floor.
He wasn’t used to feeling out of his depth in the hospital. It was his home turf—the place he felt most secure. He knew what he was doing with work and he was looked up to and respected for it. But this situation was brand-new. Something he’d never experienced before. It was completely terrifying and he had no idea how to handle it. His insides were a mish-mash of conflicting thoughts and emotions, all jarring with each other and fighting for superiority, whilst on the outside he hoped he was maintaining an air of calm authority. As everyone was used to.
His best friend, Callie, was drinking water from a white plastic cup, an oasis of calm, whilst he sat there, rigid, a million thoughts running through his head.
‘Callie Taylor?’ A nurse in blue scrubs stood in a doorway.
He glanced at Callie, meeting her gaze and offering a supporting smile, although he knew he was probably just as nervous as she was. This situation was all just so … complicated! Not the way he’d imagined this time in his life being at all. But he tried not to show it. He didn’t want Callie worrying. He didn’t want her to think that he had any doubts at all.
Not that I do. Have doubts, that is. Not about the baby anyway.
And he knew that she just had to be as frightened of this as he was. The situation wasn’t perfect, was it? For either of them. People didn’t normally plan to have babies like this. But it was the situation they were in and he was going to make it work—no matter what. The important thing here was the baby, and he was determined to do right by his child as well as his best friend. After all, he was the one who’d got her into this mess. There were so many men who got a woman pregnant and then, when the circumstances changed, left them holding the baby.
Well, not me. I could never be that man.
They both stood and he reached out to touch her upper arm, just to offer her some reassurance. But something held him back and he stopped, letting his hand drop away, pretending not to have done it and hoping she hadn’t noticed. She wasn’t his to touch, after all.
‘After you.’
He followed her into the darkened room and stood by her side. He held his hands out as she got onto the bed, to make sure she wasn’t about to fall whilst she carried his precious cargo, before sitting down in the chair beside it.
The sonographer smiled at them both. ‘Oh, Callie, I didn’t realise it was you!’ It was one of her colleagues: Sophie. ‘Are you happy for me to perform your scan today?’
Callie nodded. ‘‘Course!’
Sophie beamed. ‘So exciting! Okay, can you confirm your name and date of birth for me?’
Callie gave the details.
‘And it says here that this is your first pregnancy?’
‘That’s right.’
Callie’s voice held a tremor and Lucas glanced at her, wondering what she was thinking.
‘And when was the date of your last period?’
‘February seventh.’
Sophie fiddled with the plastic wheel that Lucas knew was a predictor of delivery dates. ‘So that makes you twelve weeks and two days today—is that right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay, so what I’m going to do is ask you to lower the waistband on your trousers. I’ll put some gel on you, which might feel cold but will help the transducer move around easier and also helps with a better image. Now, do you have a full bladder?’
‘Fit to burst.’
Sophie laughed. ‘I’ll try not to press on it too hard. So, do you want to just undo your trousers for me and lower the waist?’
Lucas glanced away, looking elsewhere to give Callie some privacy. He waited for Sophie to tuck some blue paper towel into the top of Callie’s underwear before turning back. He watched the sonographer squirt on the gel, mentally hurrying her in his mind, but smiling when Callie gasped at the feel of it on her warm skin. Then he waited.
Sophie had the screen turned away from them both as she made her initial sweeps with the scanner, and Lucas had to fight every instinct in his body not to get up and go round the bed to have a look at the screen himself!
It was difficult to be the patient. To be the person on the other side. He was used to being the one who knew what was going on first. But he knew he had to wait. Sophie would be checking for an actual embryo first, then a heartbeat, before she turned the screen for them to see.
He’d have to learn how to be patient if he was going to be a good parent.
He glanced at Callie and noticed the frown on her face in the half-light. He wanted to tell her it would be all right, to hold her hand tight in his and tell her that there was nothing for her to worry about, but he knew he couldn’t. Not yet. What was the right etiquette in this situation? No one told you that at the clinic.
She’s pregnant with my child and I daren’t even touch her.
Besides, how could he tell her there was nothing to worry about? It wasn’t true, was it? There was plenty to worry about. Like how this was going to work in the first place. Maggie was supposed to be by his side at this moment, both of them watching the screen with Callie, but Maggie was gone. That was still a shock. They were on their own now and he had no idea what Callie was thinking.
Then Sophie was smiling and turning the screen. ‘There you are … your baby.’
‘Oh, my God!’
Lucas couldn’t quite believe it! After all the uncertainty—all the testing, the waiting, the drugs, the injections, the tests. After all this time … There it was. A tiny grey bean shape, nestling in Callie’s womb, its tiny heart busily beating away. It was amazing. Surreal.
My child …
His eyes burned into the screen, imprinting the shape of his child, the beat of its strong heart, into his memory for ever. This was something that could never be forgotten. Pride filled his soul and he felt an instant connection and a surge of protectiveness for his little bean—and for Callie.
He’d waited so long for this moment …
To be a father … it’s real … it’s happening …
A laugh of relief escaped him and he reached out without thinking and grabbed Callie’s hands in his, not noticing her flinch, forgetting that she wasn’t good with physical contact. His prior fears were forgotten in the moment of joy.
‘Can you believe it, Callie?’
She shook her head, not speaking, and he saw the welling of tears in her own eyes and was glad. He wouldn’t normally be glad to see anyone well up with tears or cry, but this was different. They were in a difficult situation, the pair of them, thrown together into having a baby when they weren’t even a couple. Now Maggie had gone they had to find a way through this situation themselves …
After Maggie had left them both in the lurch they’d initially struggled even to be in the same room as each other. It had been so hard to know what to do or say in their situation. And so wrong that they had to feel that way! They were best friends and always had been.
Maggie had been quick to see a solicitor and apply for a divorce. She’d said it was best for both of them. She’d been quick to sever all ties.
As the days had passed the atmosphere between him and Callie had got a little less awkward—though it still wasn’t what it once had been. He knew Callie had as much adjustment to make to this situation as he had—if not more. It was a tough test of their friendship … one that neither of them could ever have imagined they would have to face. They were both testing the water like anxious ducklings, not knowing if they were going to sink or swim.
Each day that they worked together brought new challenges for both of them. He could sense her awkwardness each time she worked with him. Often he found himself craving the relaxed atmosphere they’d used to have with each other. The ability to laugh at the same things, to predict what the other was thinking.
Only last week he’d helped her out on a particularly difficult shoulder dystocia and, though they’d worked together efficiently for their patient, the old rapport had not been the same and he’d felt the tension between them return the second the baby had been delivered safely. When he’d left the patient’s room he’d banged his fist against the wall with frustration at the whole situation.
But he was thrilled that seeing the baby meant something to Callie too. After all, he knew she’d never wanted to have a baby of her own. Not after the way she’d been treated by her own mother. Callie’s childhood had been bloody awful compared to his. To see that she was just as affected as he was at seeing the baby onscreen was priceless.
‘It’s a baby,’ she said.
Sophie laughed at them both. ‘Of course it is!’ She began to take measurements. She measured the head-to-rump length and then zoomed in on the nuchal fold, which was one of the measurements they took at the three-month scan to check the risk factors for Down syndrome. ‘This all looks fine. Well within parameters.’
‘That’s good,’ Lucas said, relieved.
‘I had no idea you two were together. You kept that quiet,’ Sophie said.
Callie glanced at him, a question in her eyes. Should they correct her?
‘Actually … er … we’re not …’ He stumbled over the explanation, his words fading away as he recalled Maggie’s impression of their relationship. ‘You love Callie, Lucas! Always have! I could never live up to her, so now I’m giving you the chance to be together!’
‘We’re not together,’ Callie said. ‘Just having a baby.’
Lucas gave a polite smile.
Sophie raised her eyebrows. ‘There’s no “just” about it—you two should know that. Having a baby is hard work.’
‘You give all your patients this pep talk?’ Lucas didn’t want her attacking their decision, and he certainly didn’t want Callie getting upset. She’d been through enough already, what with all the morning sickness and everything.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—’
Lucas shook his head, appalled that he’d been snappy with her. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be sharp with you/It’s just been a tough few months already.’ What was he doing? He wasn’t normally this prickly.
But Sophie was obviously used to the up-down moods of her patients and she smiled. ‘That’s all right. Here—take these.’ She passed over a long strip of black-and-white scan photos.
Callie took the opportunity to pull free of his cradling hand and took the pictures first. She held them out before her, admiring each one, and then turned them so that Lucas could see. ‘Look, Lucas.’
His heart expanded as he looked at each one. He could physically feel his love growing for this little bean-shaped creature he didn’t yet know, but had helped create. All right, maybe not in the most ideal of circumstances, but they’d find a way to make it work. They had to. Even though he knew he and Callie would never be together like that.
‘You okay?’ He looked into her eyes and saw the tears had run down her cheeks now. He hoped they were happy tears. She seemed happy, considering …
‘I’m good,’ she said, nodding. ‘You’d better take these.’ She offered the pictures to him, but he sat back, shaking his head.
‘Not all of them. I’ll take half. You’ll need some too.’
She looked puzzled, and he didn’t like the look on her face. It made him feel uncomfortable to think that maybe she still didn’t feel that the baby was part hers.
‘It’s your baby, too,’ he insisted.
The smile left her face and Callie avoided his gaze, looking down and then wiping the gel from her belly using the paper towel.
He helped her sit up and turned away so she could stand and fasten her trousers. Then, when he judged enough time had passed, he turned back and smiled at her. ‘Ready for work?’
‘As I’ll ever be.’
He thanked Sophie for her time and followed Callie, blinking in the brightness of the waiting room. He tried to avoid looking at all the couples holding hands. Couples in love, having a baby. The way he ought to be having a child with a partner.
Yet look at how I’m doing it.
He didn’t want to think about how appalled his parents must be. He’d avoided talking to them about it, knowing they’d be sad that his marriage had failed. He was upset to have let them down, having wanted his marriage to succeed for a long time—like theirs had.
‘Youngsters these days just give up on a relationship at the first sign of trouble!’ his mother was fond of saying.
But I’d not given up. I thought everything was fine … We were going ahead with the surrogacy. It all looked good as far as I was concerned. And then … Maggie said it was over. That she’d found true love elsewhere because she’d had to!
Now he and Callie, his best friend in the whole wide world, were in this awkward situation.
We have to make this work.
I have to.
Callie had not expected to have such a strong emotional reaction to seeing the baby on screen. Why would she have suspected it? Having a baby had never been one of her dreams, had it? Not really. She’d always been happy to let other people have the babies. She just helped them along in their journey from being a woman to a mother. Others could have the babies—others could make the mistakes. Others could be utter let-downs to their children and be hated by them in the long run. Because that was what happened. In real life.
What did people say about not being able to choose your family?
So even though she’d known she was pregnant, logically, had known she was carrying a child, she’d still somehow been knocked sideways by seeing it on screen. Her hypothetical surrogate pregnancy had turned into a real-life, bona fide baby that she might have to look after! And seeing it on screen had made her feel so guilty and so upset, because she already felt inadequate. She feared that this baby would be born into a world where its mother was useless and wouldn’t have a clue. Callie could already imagine its pain and upset.
Because she knew what it was like to have a mother like that.
Callie waited until the sonographer had led someone else into the scanning room and then she stopped Lucas abruptly. ‘Hold this,’ she said, passing him her handbag. ‘I need to use the loo.’ Her bladder was killing her! Sophie had pressed down hard, no matter what she’d said about being gentle.
In the bathroom, she washed her hands and then realised how thirsty she was and that she wanted a coffee. Her watch said that they had twenty minutes before they were due to start their shift, so when she went back outside she tried to ignore the anxious look on Lucas’s face and suggested they head to the café.
‘You okay with coffee?’ Lucas asked with concern.
‘I think so.’ She’d been off coffee for weeks. But now she could feel an intense craving for one and ordered a latte from the assistant. ‘This is so strange,’ she said as she gathered little sachets of sugar and a wooden stirrer.
Lucas looked about them, glancing at the café interior. ‘What is?’
‘This.’
‘Having coffee?’ He smiled.
She gave him a look. ‘You know what I mean! This. The situation. Me and you—having a baby. I mean …’ She swallowed hard, then asked him the question that had been on her mind ever since Maggie had walked away. The question that had been keeping her awake at night. The question that she wasn’t even sure she wanted answered. If he said he wanted her to be the mother … ‘How’s it going to work?’
She could tell her question had him stumped.
He was trying to decide how to answer her. After all, it wasn’t an easy situation. After Maggie’s big revelation they’d both been knocked for six—especially when Maggie had kept her word and disappeared out of their lives altogether. No one had heard a peep from her—not even the hospital where she’d worked. She’d really dropped them in it as they’d lost a midwife without notice!
For a while Callie had believed that at some point Maggie would call and it would all sort itself out again. That she and Lucas had simply had one giant misunderstanding and it would all be sorted easily. Because then it would be easier for her. Callie. And wasn’t that how Lucas operated? Before Maggie there’d been other girlfriends. There’d certainly been no shortage of them during the time she’d known him. Which seemed like forever. He’d always been splitting up with them and then getting back together again.
But Maggie hadn’t called. The situation hadn’t changed.
Callie was pregnant with Lucas’s child. But they hadn’t slept together and they weren’t a couple.
Lucas wanted a baby and Callie never had.
Yet here she was. Pregnant. And though she’d thought she’d be safe getting pregnant, because she wouldn’t be in any danger of having to keep the baby, she was now in the predicament that she might have to. Or at least have more to do with it than she’d hoped.
It.
‘Honestly, Callie …? I don’t know how it’s going to work. But I know that it will. In time. We’ll sort something out.’ He stood opposite her and shook some sugar into his own drink, replaced the lid.
‘But how do you know that?’ She pressed him for more information. He was her best friend in the whole wide world and always had been—for as long as she could remember. There’d once been a moment—a brief, ever so tempting moment—when she’d considered what it would be like to go out with him, but she’d not allowed herself to do it. His friendship with her had been much too valuable and the one stable element in her wretched childhood.
Callie didn’t do relationships. Not long-term ones anyway. She’d had dates, and gone out with someone for a couple of months, but once he’d started making mutterings about commitment she’d backed off.
Then one day Lucas had asked her out. On a date. In a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. He’d looked so nervous when he’d asked her. And though they’d been great friends, and she’d known she loved him a lot, she just hadn’t been about to ruin their friendship by going out on a date with him.
Lucas had been her one stable choice through her childhood and she couldn’t risk losing him if things went wrong between them. Besides, they’d both been about to go off to university—it would never have worked, would it? It had been a sensible decision to make.
She could still recall the absolute shock on his face when she’d turned him down. But then he’d left her that night and gone out and met Maggie and the whole thing had been moot, after all.
‘I don’t know it. But you’re sensible—so am I. We’re good friends. Best friends. I don’t see why we won’t be able to come to some arrangement.’
She watched him sip and then wince at his coffee. ‘I wish I could be as sure as you,’ she said. Because Callie wasn’t used to certainties. All her life she’d felt as if she lived in limbo—nothing stable, nothing rooted, her mother going through bottles of alcohol as fast as she went through various men, all of them the latest, greatest love of Maria’s life.
He put his coffee down and reached out to take her hand, knowing she didn’t feel comfortable with personal touch but doing it anyway to make his point. His thumb stroked the back of her knuckles, gently caressing the skin. ‘We’ll be fine.’
Then he let go and went back to his coffee.
She was relieved he’d let go—relieved to get back control of her hand. Relieved the sizzling reaction to his touch—where had that come from?—had gone. Her hand had lit up with excited nerves as his fingers had wrapped around hers and her stomach had tumbled all over like an acrobat when he’d squeezed them tight before letting go.
She gave a little laugh to break the tension. ‘Too big a subject when we’re due to start work in ten minutes!’ She grinned, but inside her mind was racing. She’d never reacted like that to Lucas before. Why? What was happening? Hormones? Possibly …
No, it had to be. No ‘possibly’ about it.
He smiled back, laughing too. ‘Way too big.’
Callie laughed nervously. There’d been something reassuring and caring about his touch, and though she disliked physical contact something had changed since she’d got pregnant. It was as if she needed it now but didn’t know how to ask for it, having gone for so long without it.
And how threatening was Lucas’s touch anyhow? He was her best friend. It didn’t mean anything. Not like that. And he knew it.
But I’d like you to protect me, Lucas. Promise me I’ll be safe.
Lucas sat in his office, twiddling with a pen without really seeing it. There was plenty of work he knew he ought to be getting on with, but his mind was caught up in a whirl of thoughts and emotions. As it had been for many weeks now.
Maggie was gone. But if he was honest with himself that wasn’t what was bothering him. Not at all. What bothered him was what Maggie had said on that final night before she’d walked out.
‘I tried with you, Lucas, I really tried! But it was all pointless, wasn’t it? You’ve never truly loved me. Not the way you should have.’
‘Of course I love you—’
She’d half laughed, half cried.
‘But it wasn’t real, Lucas! You thought it was, and that was the problem. You lost your heart to Callie long ago and you can’t see it!’
‘Callie? No, you’re wrong. She’s my friend … that’s all—’
‘She’s more than your friend and I can’t be second best in your life. I need someone to love me for me. I don’t want to be your substitute.’
‘You’re not! Maggie, you’re being ridiculous. Callie and I are just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be!’
‘But you still want more. Haven’t you noticed how uncomfortable it is for me every time she comes round? How you are with her?’
He’d looked at her then, confused and still reeling from her announcement that she was leaving him.
‘Well, yes, but—’
‘I know you care for me, Lucas. Maybe you do love me—just not enough. And not in the way that you should.’
‘But we’re going to have a baby together, Maggie. Hopefully. One day soon!’
She’d looked at him then, her eyes filled with sadness.
‘And look who you picked to carry your child.’
Why had he allowed Callie to get into his mess? His beautiful Callie. His best friend. That was all she was. He knew her situation, knew her background—with her awful childhood and her ridiculous drunk of a mother—and he’d stupidly let her get into this situation.
Why?
Was it because Callie always seemed to set things right? Was it because he only had happy memories with her, so he’d let her suggest the surrogacy in the hope that her involvement would somehow set his marriage right?
Maybe. He couldn’t be sure.
But now his mess had got real. There was a baby. He’d just seen it. And though he was happy, and thrilled to be having a child—there was no disappointment in that—he wasn’t sure how all of this was going to sort itself out.
He didn’t want to pretend. As he had with Maggie. The fact that he’d hurt Maggie hurt him. Pretend to Callie that everything would be fine …? He couldn’t be sure. Not really. Callie didn’t think she could be a mother so it looked as if he was going to have to raise this baby by himself.
I could do that. Plenty of men are single dads.
But the realisation was there that he did want Callie involved. More than she had ever volunteered for.
Was that fair of him? To push her down a road she wasn’t ready for? Did he want to parent a baby with someone who wasn’t committed—like his father?
The pen dropped to the table with a clatter and he glanced at the clock. He needed to be with his patients.
I’ll have to think about this later.
He and Callie could do this. He was sure of it.
Callie was running the booking clinic that afternoon, and there were twelve women booked in to be seen over the next four hours. Due to Maggie’s unexpected absence they were still down a staff member and had had to rely on an agency midwife to step into the breach and help out.
Callie took a few minutes to show the new member of staff where everything was, and how to log into the computer system, and then pulled out the first file: Rhea Cartwright. Sixteen years old.
Callie checked to make sure she had all the equipment she’d need and then went to the waiting room and called out the girl’s name. A young girl, who was there alone and looked far less than sixteen, stood up. Clasping a large bag in front of her stomach, she followed Callie into the clinic room.
‘Hi, there. My name’s Callie Taylor. I’m a midwife here at St Anne’s and I’ll be following your case throughout your pregnancy—hopefully right up to the birth. How are you feeling today?’
The girl was about eleven weeks pregnant, according to the notes from her GP, so Callie hoped she was no longer suffering the effects of morning sickness as she herself had done. Those few weeks when it had been at its worst had been just horrible!
‘I’m all right.’
The girl answered tersely, without smiling, and didn’t meet Callie’s eye as she gazed about the room, taking in the breastfeeding poster, the framed black-and-white picture of a baby fast asleep surrounded by sunflowers in full colour.
Callie beckoned her to sit down and settled into a chair next to her. ‘No one with you today?’
‘My mum couldn’t make it. She was busy.’
She nodded. Perhaps Rhea’s mum was busy. Or perhaps Rhea’s mum had no idea of the pregnancy—or, worse still, couldn’t be bothered. Callie didn’t want to jump to that conclusion, but she had personal experience of having an uninterested mother. It wasn’t nice. But she couldn’t judge someone she’d never met, and nor did she want to jump to conclusions.
‘What about your partner? The baby’s father?’
Rhea shook her head and looked at anything but Callie. ‘I don’t want to talk about him.’
She was going to be a closed book. Callie knew she would have to tread softly with Rhea and gain the girl’s confidence if she was to learn anything. It was like this sometimes with teenage mothers. They suddenly found themselves in an adult world, living by adult rules, when all they wanted was to live by their own and be left to get on with it.
And in Callie’s experience pregnant teenage mothers were often reluctant to show their trust until you’d earned it.
‘Okay … well, take a seat.’ Rhea still hadn’t sat down. ‘I’ll need to run through some questions with you.’
She tried to keep her voice gentle and neutral. Nothing forceful. Nothing that would suggest Rhea was being ordered or expected to answer questions, as if she was taking some sort of test.
‘Just some basic things about you and your last period … that sort of thing. Is that okay?’
Rhea sank into the chair with her bag clasped in front of her, still looking at anything but Callie. She shrugged, as if unwilling to commit either way.
‘Well, we’ll just start with some basics and see how we go on. Can you confirm your date of birth for me?’
Callie sensed it was going to be a long afternoon. Rhea was not going to give up any information easily. Small red flags were waving madly in her mind. Her midwife’s sixth sense, developed over time, was telling her that there was something going on here that she didn’t know about. She had learned that it was best to listen to it. It would be so straightforward if every couple or single mother she saw had a happy home life for a baby to be born into, but quite often that wasn’t the case. There was a lot of poverty in London. There were a lot of drugs problems, lots of drink problems. Hadn’t that been her own experience?
‘April the first.’
April Fools’ Day. Not a joke. It was confirmed in her notes. Callie knew she didn’t have the type of relationship with Rhea yet to make a joke about the date, so she kept a neutral face and voice and continued with her questions.
‘And when was the first day of your last menstrual period?’
There was a moment of silence, as if Rhea was weighing up whether to give her the information or not, then she said, ‘February the seventh.’
The same as me.
Callie smiled, about to say so, but decided to hold back. This young girl was so different from her in so many ways.
‘Do you mind telling me whether this is a planned pregnancy, or were you using contraception?’ she asked without thinking.
She’d not asked just because Rhea was a teenager. It was one of the questions that she always asked. It was important to know whether someone had planned their pregnancy. Whether they’d been actively trying for a baby, or whether the pregnancy was a complete accident and a surprise. It had a bearing on the mother’s attitude to it all. Just because a mother was at her booking visit it didn’t automatically mean that she wanted to keep the baby. Plus, she needed to know if Rhea had taken any prenatal vitamins.
‘I don’t see why that’s important.’
Callie put down her pen. ‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to know whether you’d planned the pregnancy or not.’
‘Because I’m sixteen? Because I’m young it must have been a mistake? Is that what you’re saying?’
Rhea met Callie’s gaze for the first time, and now Callie could see how frightened and unsure this young girl was.
Where was her support? She was so young! It had to be scary for her. Callie herself was twenty-eight—a whole twelve years older than Rhea—and she was terrified of being pregnant. How could she even begin to imagine how this girl felt?
‘No, not at all. I didn’t mean that. It’s a standard question—’
‘Well, I don’t want to talk about it. Next?’
Rhea folded her arms and closed up and didn’t meet Callie’s eyes again for the rest of the meeting.
It was obvious she was a troubled young woman, and if Callie was going to be there for her then she needed to get the young girl on side.
‘Let’s start again … Let’s look at your family health. Any medical problems on your side of the family I should know about? Diabetes? Asthma?’
Rhea shook her head reluctantly. ‘We’re fine.’
‘Again this is a standard question: any history of depression? Anything like that?’
‘My mum has that.’
Right, okay—that’s something.
‘Do you know if your mum suffered with postnatal depression?’
‘No.’
‘That’s okay.’ Voice still neutral. Unthreatening. Soft. Rhea was answering the questions.
‘What about the father of the baby?’
Rhea stiffened, still not meeting her gaze, shuffling her feet, twiddling with her bag strap with nervous fingers. ‘What about him?’
‘Any health issues on his side we should be concerned about?’
‘I don’t know.’
What is it about the father of this baby that she doesn’t want me to know?
‘How tall is he?’
‘What?’ Rhea frowned.
‘His height? It can have a bearing on the size of your baby.’
Surely she can tell me his height?
‘I don’t know.’
Callie paused. What was going on here? How did she not know the boy’s height? Or perhaps she did know but didn’t want to give Callie any clues that might identify him? Perhaps he was an older man? Married? Or was he younger than Rhea? Which would be a whole different kettle of fish. Not that she wanted to think that way, but it was a possibility she had to consider.
‘How did you two meet?’ That wasn’t a standard question, but Callie felt she needed to do some extra detective work on this case if she were to get any helpful answers.
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
Callie shrugged. ‘I’m just interested.’
‘Nosy, more like. How I got pregnant has got nothing to do with you. You’re a midwife. You should know how people get pregnant, yeah? So just tell me what I need to do next so I can get out of here.’
Callie shrank back from the anger, but she was getting really concerned for Rhea. The girl was so angry and scared. There had to be a way to help her. To get the young girl to trust her.
‘Okay, okay … I guess what I really need to know is your intention. You’re very young and I have no idea of your support system. I’m making no judgements, but I need to know what your intentions are regarding this pregnancy.’
‘My intentions?’
‘Yes. Are you keeping it? Are you here to ask about other options?’ She didn’t want to use the word abortion unless Rhea used it first.
She was quiet for a while, and Callie could see that Rhea’s eyes were filling with tears. Her nose was going red and she was really fighting the urge to cry. All Callie’s instincts told her to reach out and comfort her, to put an arm around her, to show her that someone genuinely cared. But it wouldn’t have been professional to break that boundary— and, besides, she wasn’t comfortable being that person just yet with Rhea. Any show of affection might have the opposite effect and send Rhea running for the hills.
So she sat quietly and waited, her gaze on Rhea’s face.
‘I don’t want it.’ Her voice was quiet and empty of emotion.
‘You don’t?’ This was what she’d suspected.
‘No.’
‘Then there are two options open to you, Rhea.’
Tears rolled down Rhea’s cheeks. ‘I can’t have an abortion. I don’t believe in it.’
‘Right … okay.’
‘I want to give it away. Get rid of it that way.’
It.
So impersonal. So unattached.
I called my baby ‘it’.
There had to be personal reasons for Rhea’s decision, but Callie truly felt that now was not the time to push for them. If Rhea wanted to give her baby away after it was born, that gave Callie six more months of learning about Rhea and working with her to find out what was going on and how best she could help her.
It was a big decision to give away your baby.
It was what I was going to do. Give the baby to Lucas and Maggie. Only it’s not ‘the’ baby now. It’s ‘my’ baby, isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
Callie wasn’t sure. She and Lucas still hadn’t discussed properly what they were going to do to sort this. But they needed to. They were on the clock now and time was ticking. Should she still give the baby to Lucas? Was it even her decision to make?
Callie decided that once the booking clinic was over she was going to call the fertility clinic and ask to speak to one of the counsellors there. She, Lucas and Maggie had each undertaken individual counselling before agreeing to the surrogacy, but the situation had changed now. Everything was different.
I was going to give my baby away. Happily. I was going to do it for Lucas and Maggie.
Who was Rhea doing it for? What was Rhea doing it for?
‘Okay. We can talk about that. It’s a big decision.’
‘I know what I’m doing.’
‘Have you talked to your family about it?’
‘It’s not their decision. It’s mine. My body—my choice.’
‘Of course it is. I’m not denying that.’
‘Just put it in my notes that I’m giving it away. The Social can have it. I don’t want to see it, or hold it. Just get them to take it away and give it to someone who doesn’t know where it’s come from.’
‘Doesn’t know where it’s come from’? Why would she say that? Did Maria think that way about me? She never wanted me. Never wanted anything to do with me. Was my own mother like this young girl once?
‘I’ll put it in your notes. You do know that I’ll be here for you throughout this, Rhea? Any time. You’ll be able to call me, night or day. I’ll give you my contact details.’ She passed over a small card that had the hospital numbers and Callie’s own personal mobile number on it too.
Rhea stuffed it into her bag. ‘I don’t want anyone judging me.’
‘No one will do that.’
‘You don’t know what I’ve been through.’
‘No. But I’m hoping that at some point you’ll trust me enough to tell me.’
She meant it. Sincerely she meant it. And she hoped Rhea could sense that. It was at times like these that Callie’s job meant the world to her. It was at times like these when she felt she could really help someone—and this young girl clearly needed help for something.
If only she’d let me in. If only she’d let me help her so that another baby doesn’t grow up feeling like I did as a child. Unwanted and unloved.
‘Don’t you need to take my blood pressure or something?’
Rhea broke the silence and Callie nodded, glad that Rhea was offering her something.
‘Of course. I need to take blood, too.’
‘I brought this.’ Rhea reached into her bag and took out a small jar with a urine sample in it. ‘I washed it out before I used it.’
‘That’s great—thanks.’ She would need another sample if this one was more than two hours old. It was hospital policy. However, she wasn’t going to say that. Rhea had offered her a little something. That would have to do for now.
Rhea’s blood pressure was fine, as was her urine sample. Nothing out of the ordinary and all well within parameters. Physically, she seemed fine. It was just emotionally that something was off.
‘You know, I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better throughout this, Rhea.’
‘Yeah, well, don’t go thinking you’ll get me to change my mind.’
‘That’s not my place.’
‘No, it isn’t. No one has the right to judge me for giving this thing away.’
‘No, they haven’t.’ I was going to give a baby away myself. ‘But please don’t call the baby a “thing”. Call it what it is.’
Rhea stood up to go and slung her bag over her shoulder. ‘It’s a thing. It will always be a thing. It’ll never be anything else.’ And she stormed from the clinic.
Callie watched her go, bewildered and amazed. In some ways Rhea seemed so strong, but in others she was just a tiny young girl, terrified and afraid.
And what am I afraid of?
Callie’s hand went to her own stomach, as yet still unchanged in size. She didn’t even know she was doing it until her phone beeped a text message alert and she was brought back into the present. As she rummaged in her bag for her phone thoughts echoed through her mind.
Don’t go getting attached.
You have no idea if you’re keeping it either.
CHAPTER TWO (#u5b7856fa-68c3-5266-8114-1bceb5297cde)
THE NEXT DAY Callie was scheduled to work on a twin delivery. She could see that Lucas was on duty that day too, along with the senior consultant Dev Patel, though she hadn’t seen him yet. They had four women in labour, most in early stages, and Callie had been assigned to a woman in her late forties, having her first babies. Callie hadn’t been expecting to work with Lucas, but he was already in the room.
‘There’s been some decelerations,’ he said, after saying hello and seeing her look of surprise.
Olivia Hogarth was on her knees, leaning over the back of the bed, panicking and almost out of control, showing real signs of not dealing with her labour at all. Every time a contraction came along a terrified look came into Olivia’s eyes and she began to huff and puff on the Entonox as if for dear life. Her husband, James, stood helpless beside her. He was at a complete loss as to what to do, but kept rubbing her back for dear life as she held on to the support of the bed.
‘Hi, Olivia, I’m Callie, and I’m going to be your midwife today.’ Callie leant round the back of the bed so Olivia could see her face and not just hear a random voice.
‘Hurgh!’ Olivia’s teeth gripped the mouthpiece and her frightened gaze practically begged Callie to do something. ‘Help me!’
‘Okay … slow, deep breaths … that’s it. Slow your breathing.’ Callie showed Olivia how to breathe in slowly through her nose for five seconds and then out through her mouth for five more seconds.
‘I’m all tingly!’ Olivia protested when the contraction was over. ‘Pins and needles.’
‘It’s because you’re not exhaling properly. Come on—practise with me whilst there’s no contraction.’
As Olivia practised Callie took a moment to glance at Olivia’s trace. There were some decelerations in the babies’ heartbeats. Not by much, but they were definitely there. Each time Olivia’s babies got squeezed by a contraction the heart-rate dipped, which meant they weren’t liking labour very much.
Callie wasn’t happy with the trace and glanced up at Lucas as he came to stand by her and judge it for himself.
Sometimes decelerations could be caused by there being a short cord, or a knot in the cord, or by the cord being tightly wrapped around the baby’s body. It didn’t mean that there was something wrong with the baby physically. But Callie knew it was never worth taking any chances. It was always best to call for help if you were working alone. If you weren’t sure you got someone else. Fortunately she already had Lucas there.
He stood beside her, dressed all in black, in tailored shirt and trousers, and she could smell his aftershave. Since she’d got pregnant smells and aromas had seemed particularly pronounced, and his was delicious today.
Callie glanced at him sideways as he concentrated on the trace. Her heart skipped a beat—palpitations? She’d never had those before—it had to be the pregnancy. She supposed she couldn’t help it, she thought wryly. He was a very attractive man after all. Hadn’t she watched a multitude of women fawn over him?
He was tall, broad and handsome. It was hard to think that the little boy she’d once known—the one with the spindly legs and constantly scuffed knees—had turned into this strong, mature, devastatingly handsome man. It never mattered what was going on in her own life—her mother letting her down yet again, her mother lying to her, someone treating her badly—she always brightened when she saw Lucas. He was her pillar. Her rock. Her safe place in stormy seas. He’d always been there for her and she hoped he always would be. Especially now. Now they were having a baby together—even if it wasn’t in the traditional way.
He looked really good today. Fresher and brighter-looking than she’d seen him look these last few weeks. Maggie leaving the way she had, and admitting to an affair, had shaken them both. But even though Lucas had been shocked by the end of his marriage, he’d thankfully not been devastated. He’d coped with the change in his life amazingly well, and she couldn’t help but admire him for his courage and resilience—as everyone did.
She could only assume that seeing the scan yesterday had perked him up. Either that or he’d managed a great night’s sleep! His eyes were bright and blue, like cornflowers in a summer meadow, and there was colour to his cheeks. He’d even shaved! These last few weeks he’d been beginning to look like a mountain man.
She liked the fact that he looked bigger and stronger. It made her feel safe and protected, and she knew he’d move heaven and earth to do anything to help her at the moment.
Callie couldn’t help but wonder what this pregnancy was doing to her? Her emotions and responses seemed hyper-aware, with all these hormones floating about, and she knew she needed to be careful that she didn’t let them carry her away. He cared for her because they were good friends. Nothing more.
He’s just my friend. Yes, he’s the baby’s father, but it’snot like we slept together, is it? It was all done in a petri dish in a clinic—nothing romantic.
But just thinking about sleeping with Lucas made her cheeks flush with heat.
She knew she needed to focus on her patient and deliberately stepped away from him. Thoughts about sleeping with Lucas were dangerous and she’d never allow them to surface.
Olivia finished puffing on her gas and air and looked panicked, her eyes open wide. ‘What’s wrong? Is it the babies?’
Lucas pulled out the long white roll of paper and checked through the tracing with Callie. He gave a tiny nod. ‘Olivia, Baby A seems to be a bit upset after each contraction and Baby B doesn’t look too happy either. It may just be because of the reduced room in your uterus and the contractions, but I’d like to be on the safe side.’ He turned to Callie. ‘When was her last examination?’
She checked the notes. ‘Four and a half hours ago. Would you like me to do another?’ They tried to examine women vaginally every four hours during labour. This usually gave the cervix plenty of time to show the changes every midwife and mother wanted to feel.
Lucas turned the full beam of his attention on the mother. ‘Sure. Olivia, we’d like to examine you, if possible, see how you’re getting along. Is that all right?’
‘Of course.’
Lucas looked at Callie and nodded.
‘I’ll be as gentle as I can …’
Callie washed her hands and then put on gloves, settling herself on the side of Olivia’s bed as she did so. She felt as much as she could, her fingers sweeping the edge of the cervix, her eyes on Lucas.
He kept checking with Olivia to make sure she was all right and apologising for any discomfort she might be feeling, but Olivia was quite stoical. The most calm she’d been since Callie had met her. Perhaps she could cope better with men around, supporting her, rather than another woman?
As Callie removed her gloves she smiled. ‘You’re making good progress. Eight centimetres.’
‘Eight!’ Olivia began to suck in gas and air again as another contraction hit, so she didn’t notice Callie take Lucas to one side of the room.
‘I’m concerned there’s some extra blood in the birth canal,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want to panic her, but I think we need to put a continuous CTG on her and the babies and keep it monitored.’ CTG was cardiotocography—a technical way of recording the foetal heartbeats as well as any uterine contractions.
‘Yes, we need to be alert for any signs of possible placental abruption.’ He kept his voice low.
Placental abruption was a life-threatening condition in which the placenta detached itself from the uterine wall before birth, causing heavy bleeding and potentially fatal consequences for both mother and baby if not caught in time.
‘Possibly.’
‘Okay. I want to move her to Theatre, just in case.’
‘I’ll ring Theatre to let them know we’re coming.’
And just as Callie said this blood soaked into the sheets around Olivia’s legs.
Her husband, James, leapt to his feet. ‘My God! What’s going on?’
Callie and Lucas leapt into action. There wasn’t much time. They had to act fast. They quickly unplugged Olivia from the monitors, grabbed the ends of the bed and began to wheel her from the room.
Lucas kept his voice calm, yet firm, as he gave an explanation to James and Olivia. ‘Your wife’s bleed may mean the placenta has detached early from the wall of her womb. We need to do an emergency Caesarean to get the babies out safely.’ Lucas’s controlled, assertive voice was an oasis of calm in a situation that could so easily be filled with panic or fear.
‘Is she going to be okay?’ The colour had gone from James’s face.
Olivia looked pale and clammy and her head was beginning to loll back against the pillows.
‘Just follow us. It’s going to be a general anaesthetic, so you won’t be allowed into Theatre, I’m afraid.’
They began to push the bed from the room and head up the corridors towards the operating rooms. Lucas called out to passing staff to help and they responded to his firm authority and helped them get Olivia to Theatre.
‘And the babies?’
As they reached the theatre doors there was a large sign stating ‘Staff Only Beyond This Point’ and James slowed to a stop, looking lost and hopeless.
Lucas turned back briefly and laid a reassuring hand on James’s arm. ‘We’ll do our best for all of them.’ And then he and Callie pushed Olivia into Theatre, leaving James behind, bewildered and in shock.
They didn’t like to do it, but James was not their first priority at this point. Time was critical now, and they couldn’t waste it by stopping to talk it through with Olivia’s husband. They could debrief him afterwards.
It was a mad rush of preparation. They’d not had time to call Theatre, so the first the theatre staff knew of an emergency coming was when they wheeled Olivia in. But they were such a well-oiled machine that they all knew what to do.
Within minutes, they had Olivia under general anaesthetic, drapes up, and Lucas was scrubbed and ready to go. The theatre staff were used to emergency sections, and they all liked working with Lucas, who was calm and fair and friendly—unlike some of the other doctors who operated. Lucas could just give a look and everyone would know what he needed. His authority was not questioned, and everyone in his team looked to him for guidance.
‘I’m going to perform a lower segment section.’ He pointed the scalpel to Olivia’s skin and in one quick yet sure movement began the emergency operation.
Callie stood by the side of the bed, her heart pounding, her legs like jelly. She really disliked occasions such as this. Emergencies. If she could have her way then all babies would be born normally, without danger, without the need for Theatre. Babies were meant to arrive in calm environments, with music softly playing in the background, and then to be placed in their mother’s arms afterwards for that all-important cuddle and skin-to-skin contact.
General anaesthetics and emergencies took away all of that. Babies were separate from their mothers until the mother was awake enough to hold the baby without dropping it, and sometimes that initial important breastfeed was missed because the mother was unable to do it, or the baby itself was too drowsy from the cross-over of the drugs the mother had had.
Her lips felt dry beneath the paper mask. She glanced at Lucas, admiring the concentration in his gaze, his composure. Despite the emergency, he knew exactly what needed to be done and how. But as she stood there Callie realised she was beginning to feel a little bit woozy and hot.
The rush from Olivia’s room and pushing the bed through the corridors wouldn’t normally have taken its toll, but now that she was pregnant she felt a little more fragile than normal. She still felt out of breath from the sprint and her brow was becoming sweaty, as was her top lip. Her stomach began to churn like a washing machine, as if she was about to be sick.
It wasn’t the sight of the blood. That sort of thing never bothered her. Nor was it the controlled tension in the room.
No. This was something else. She didn’t feel right at all. She looked at Lucas over her mask in a panic, hoping he’d look up. See her. Notice that something was wrong.
She could feel something … a weird sensation beginning to overcome her. If she could try to focus on his calm, reassuring face she felt it might help, but her vision was going a bit blurry and the noises in the room—the beeping of machines—began to sound distant and echoing.
As she felt herself sway slightly she put one hand on the bed to steady herself. Lucas looked up from his work and frowned.
‘Callie? You okay?’
But his words sounded as if they were coming from far away. She blinked to clear her eyesight, felt her heart pound like a hammer and then heard a weird whooshing noise in her ears. A black curtain descended and she went crashing to the floor, taking a tray of instruments down with her.
‘Callie!’
Lucas was unable to catch her. She’d been standing on the other side of the operating table and there was a patient between them. Instead he had to stand there, horrified, his scalpel poised, as she collapsed onto the floor and lay there, despite the best efforts of the scrub nurse to try and catch her.
Her arms were outspread, her eyes closed.
I need to concentrate on my patient first. Her life is in my hands. I’ll have to let the others take care of Callie.
The situation killed him, but what could he do? Just focus on delivering Olivia safely and then he could check on Callie.
How did I not see she looked pale? he berated himself inwardly.
The anaesthetist couldn’t move either, but two other theatre assistants got Callie up onto a trolley and wheeled her from the theatre. He watched her go, his heart in his mouth, his mind whooshing with a million thoughts. But he pulled it back.
I need to be professional. Callie’s in good hands. I know that. I can’t do anything here but look after my patient.
The staff were great. They knew the situation—knew Callie was Lucas’s surrogate, and knew how much it must be hurting him not to be with her—so they all did their best to help him work quickly, so he could be with her.
Lucas had to think fast and concentrate. All he wanted to do was leave Theatre and go and check on Callie, but he knew he couldn’t! His professional integrity told him to stay with his patient. Her life and that of her babies were on the line.
Once into the uterus, he was able to deliver both babies quickly. They came out crying, which was great. A glance at the monitors assured him that Olivia was doing fine, despite the emergency.
A few moments later the theatre assistants returned.
‘How’s Callie?’ he asked, busy removing the placentas.
‘Coming round. We left her in the staffroom with one of the midwives looking after her,’ the assistant called, her back to him as she assessed the babies at the Resuscitaires.
‘How are the babies?’
‘Pinking up—we’ll get there,’ confirmed the paediatrician, and then there was a lusty cry and Lucas was able to let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. He glanced at the anaesthetist at the head of his patient.
‘Sats ninety-seven per cent, BP dropped. But she’s stable … she’s good.’
That was good to know. He’d expected Olivia’s blood pressure to drop with the bleed, but if she was stable then it looked as if both mother and twins were going to get through this.
Once both the placentas were out Lucas began to stitch, sewing together all the layers of muscle and fascia that made up the abdomen, finally closing Olivia’s lower belly about forty-five minutes after he’d first had to open her.
It had been nearly thirty minutes since Callie’s collapse and he was desperate to see her. His stomach was in knots, but he sewed quickly and efficiently. He kept clenching and unclenching his jaw as he thought of all the things that were worrying him.
Why did she faint? Was it a faint? Or something else? Perhaps she’d not eaten properly that morning? There had to be a reason, and he intended to do a full medical checkup on her when he got out of Theatre.
Why was everything going wrong? Having a child was meant to be one of the happiest times of his life! Yet it was all such a mess. He still didn’t know what was going to happen after the birth, and now Callie had collapsed. He hated not being able to be there for her and he wanted to be. Every step of the way.
Finally Olivia was ready to go through to Recovery. The assistant and porters wheeled her away and he thanked the staff, seeing their appreciative smiles and nods, then scrubbed clean, quickly changed his scrubs and hurried off to find Callie.
He found her looking pale and ashen in the staffroom, feet up on the chairs and her hands shaking as she nursed a hot sweet tea.
He rushed straight over to her, kneeling by her side and feeling her forehead. ‘Are you all right?’
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