The Little Gift Shop on the Loch: A delightfully uplifting read for 2019!
Maggie Conway
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About the Author (#ulink_fc820254-86f7-57af-8d07-330718087926)
Maggie Conway lived the first ten years of life in London before moving to Scotland. She has a degree in English Literature and spent many years working in offices dreaming of pursuing her passion for writing. A perfect day would include an early morning swim, a good coffee, a great book and a few hours spent writing before the chaos of a husband, three children, a dog and a cat begins. Having landed the role of chief dog walker, she spends far too much time roaming the streets but at least this gives her a chance to think up new storylines.
The Little Gift Shop on the Loch
MAGGIE CONWAY
HQ
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2019
Copyright © Maggie Conway 2019
Maggie Conway asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008330873
E-book Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008296582
Version: 2019-05-06
Table of Contents
Cover (#u22306f6d-1e47-554d-9347-b3a86857020a)
About the Author (#u1ede90a4-9897-5584-862c-bf3ee24ce3a2)
Title page (#u112d767e-3898-5188-9db2-1fbbffd83fcc)
Copyright (#u1f469573-d2d3-55a9-a9f7-abd97ec861b4)
Dedication (#u68d61224-1ccf-5db4-a005-4718fbf43e38)
Chapter 1 (#u380e8f91-aada-5010-bfbe-60b6e21e2413)
Chapter 2 (#u6a17b45e-97a7-5eae-b4b4-897a7411da0e)
Chapter 3 (#uf76ff84d-489e-554d-88f6-5de077e9e431)
Chapter 4 (#ua53c68bc-2aa6-507b-a02d-b40e6cd94158)
Chapter 5 (#u85cfac87-3837-5efd-857a-51824aba011c)
Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 11 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 12 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 15 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 16 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 17 (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
Dear Reader … (#litres_trial_promo)
Keep Reading … (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
This book is dedicated to Margaret Couttie
Chapter 1 (#ulink_ae22fc5f-fa06-5b48-b4fc-898c22aa97e4)
No matter how tired she was, Lily Ballantine prided herself on keeping to her strict morning routine. Her battle with sleep – or rather lack of it – had crept into her life over recent months, insidiously stealing precious hours of blissful oblivion.
She tried to regard her sleep deprivation as a measure of success; her inability to switch off from deadlines and to-do list was a good thing, a sign her career was on the up. So she endured her tiredness, wearing it like a slightly warped badge of honour, although some mornings were harder than others.
Earlier she’d stumbled through to the bathroom, her bleary-eyed, pale reflection confirming the few glasses of wine last night had done their worst. The alcohol sometimes helped, just enough to tip her over to sleep. But never for long enough. Somehow, frustratingly, she always managed to wake up at that deathly hour of 3 a.m., when the world was at its darkest and she just knew she was the only person on the entire planet who was awake.
The scalding shower and transformative contents of her make-up bag had worked wonders and now she was preened and polished, ready to face the day. Her unruly hair had been straightened into submission and she was dressed in her customary dark trouser suit and crisp shirt – pink today because it was Friday.
Lily automatically checked her watch as she closed her front door at precisely seven o’clock, pleased she was on schedule. Situated in a quiet cul-de-sac, the flat’s location meant she could make the walk to Edinburgh’s city centre in under thirty minutes. She walked at her usual brisk pace, weaving her way through the cobbled streets, past the elegant Georgian tenements and narrow alleyways.
The spring morning showcased Edinburgh’s unique charm to perfection, its turreted buildings silhouetted against a pale blue sky. Lily loved this time of day, while the city remained largely untouched by the throng of workers and shoppers and the air still held a clarity in its gentle breeze.
She took a deep breath thinking back to the previous evening when she’d joined a few colleagues for drinks. She rarely went out these days, but it was best to show face now and again and it had made a change to drink in company. She’d found the bar rather noisy, and had trouble hearing Harry from menswear recount his latest hysterical story. Something to do with slim-fitting trousers and inside leg measurements.
She wondered at what age it was acceptable to admit you hated noisy pubs, certain that 28 was too young. She simply wasn’t used to it anymore. Not like the evenings she’d frequented the best of Edinburgh’s bars, immune to the clamorous voices and pulsating music vying to be heard. Erin and Clare had been her willing accomplices but since they’d both left, Lily was less inclined to go out and making excuses had become a habit. It was amazing how quickly invitations stopped and people fell away if you constantly turned them down.
Lily slowed her pace as she approached her usual coffee shop, anticipating the extra hot skinny cappuccino which provided a pleasant kick start to the ten – possibly more – hours that lay happily ahead of her.
With her coffee in hand, Lily turned into Princes Street. After six years of working there, she still felt a little thrill as she approached Bremners department store. For over a hundred years it had dominated Edinburgh’s skyline, sitting on the corner of Princes Street like a grand old lady; graceful and enchanting and just a little bit formidable. To most people, Bremners department store was the iconic building which stood opposite the castle, its beautifully ornate facade a testament to Victorian architecture. To Lily, the building was like an old friend, one she was always happy to see.
As usual Lily was the first to arrive, slipping in through the staff entrance and nodding to the security guard as she entered. Soon the shop would be fully awake, the lights on and doors open, and shoppers would start to filter in. The staff would be ready to spend time with their valued customers, providing the antidote to the quick and cheap retail fix offered by so many other shops. Lily had always thought there was something magical about the old-fashioned store. Bremners oozed an old-world charm and elegance from another era. A place where you could still buy tweeds and reliable underwear, a place where dreams were lived out. The perfect wedding dress, a special gift for a lover or simply a treat for yourself. Shoppers could drift from shoes to cosmetics, stop for lunch or visit the bookshop. Lily thought there was something comforting that people still wanted to buy darning needles from the haberdashery department or silk handkerchiefs from menswear.
Lily skirted around the perfume department on the ground floor where notes of jasmine, amber and magnolia lingered in the air, and headed to the lifts. She knew the layout of the shop, knew how every department operated. Her new boss thought it was important that all staff, no matter their role, should be familiar with the stock and ambience of the shop. It was just one of the things that made James Sinclair such a wonderful boss. Lily sighed, thinking of him, and wondered if she’d see him today.
The lift pinged its arrival and Lily stepped in and pressed the button for the seventh floor. Although she was familiar with the shop floor, it wasn’t where she belonged. Instead, she was happy to retreat behind the scenes, to be part of the invisible workforce on the top floor dealing with HR, legal and – in her case – financial matters.
As she entered her office, a sense of calm and purpose took hold of Lily. This was her world, her cocoon of order where she felt comfortable and in control. Swapping her well-worn trainers for three-inch Carvelas, her eyes scanned the room, checking everything was in its correct place.
She sat down with a small contented sigh, with a sense that all was as it should be. Only then did she allow herself the first sip of coffee, now at the perfect temperature. She booted up the computer, her mind running over the day ahead.
An hour later Lily was engrossed in a spreadsheet and when her phone rang, she answered it without thinking. Her pulse quickened as she heard the icy tones of James’s secretary. ‘Can you come along to Mr Sinclair’s office, please?’
And although her day had started like any other, Lily didn’t know the phone call was about to change everything.
***
As Lily walked into James Sinclair’s office she thought back to the first day she’d met him. After months of rumours, speculation and negotiations, a multimillion-pound deal had finally been agreed and Bremners department store was now part owned by Dunn Equity. Although it had always been hugely successful, Bremners wasn’t immune to the economic pressures brought by spiralling costs and internet shopping and the deal had given a huge injection of much-needed capital. Bremners was no longer an independent store and – amidst reassurances its unique identity would be preserved – had been thrust into the corporate world.
James Sinclair belonged to that world and had swept into the boardroom one bleak Monday morning. The mood was sombre and speculation rife amongst the administrative staff gathered for the much-anticipated meeting. Lily had felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickle when James had entered. For the next hour she’d sat transfixed as he’d explained he was part of the management team whose job was to put procedures in place to standardise systems and provide the necessary in-house training to ensure a smooth transition.
It wasn’t just the way his blonde hair flopped over his forehead or his penetrating blue gaze that Lily hadn’t been able to tear her eyes from, it was his sheer energy. The very air around him seem to crackle.
‘What do you think of him?’ she’d whispered to Erin, perched on the seat beside her.
‘Looks like a ruthless bastard to me. Wouldn’t trust him an inch,’ she’d muttered darkly while Lily had remained silent.
There followed an uneasy period of redundancies and jostling amongst management and Lily was bereft when Erin and Clare both decided to take the package on offer. They had all started at the same time and had quickly become confidants. Clare, already struggling to balance work with 1-year-old twins, saw it as the perfect opportunity to embrace full-time motherhood. Erin, recovering from a messy break-up, had declared she was taking herself off around the world to eat, pray and love.
‘Come with me,’ she’d implored Lily, her voice filled with excitement. Lily had considered it for all of five seconds – she’d never really been one for spontaneity. And so she had stayed put, feeling even more isolated when the other two senior accountants both nearing retiring age, had left. James’s team included accountants and Lily worried her position was precarious.
Shortly after that, James introduced himself personally to Lily and up close he was even more impressive, his disarming eye contact and firm handshake staying with Lily long after he told her he was looking forward to working with her.
As it turned out, she needn’t have worried. With her knowledge of staffing, costs and systems Lily soon became James’s go-to person. Lily accepted most people might not find preparing balance sheets particularly sexy and she’d be the first to admit the prospect of filing tax returns didn’t always leave her fizzing with excitement. But when she started working with James, her job rocketed to a whole new level. She’d never considered herself overly ambitious but now, under his watchful gaze, she’d stepped out of her comfort zone.
Reporting directly to him, Lily found herself compiling reports, analysing data and presenting business plans. Work became a different place. Exciting. She attended meetings and sat on committees set up to oversee the integration process. On several occasions she’d travelled with James in his sleek company car to meet new and existing suppliers. Over meetings, coffee breaks, and sometimes dinner, they discussed business, the conversation occasionally veering onto something more personal as they shared snippets of their lives – the line between professional and personal blurring pleasantly over a glass or two of wine.
The work had been consuming, exhausting and Lily thrived on it. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ James said to her one day with a look that sent a thrill through her.
With furtive glances she watched James operate, marvelling at how he commanded a meeting, winning people round to his way of thinking. A room changed when he walked into it, people noticed him. Charismatic, dynamic and tough when he needed to be, she breathed him in, hanging on his every word, his every movement.
She’d never met anyone like him before and as she watched him, Lily knew this was what she wanted. Because somewhere along the line, between the meetings, the costings, the chats, Lily had hopelessly – and unprofessionally – fallen for him.
She felt utterly ridiculous, like a schoolgirl with a crush, but she couldn’t help herself. She felt like she’d found what she was looking for, her few previous relationships paling into insignificance. So positive was she that they were meant to be together, that the connection between them was so strong, she knew it was only a matter of time. Of course, she knew nothing could happen yet, not while work was so intense. For now, it was enough to know he relied on her.
James had indicated there were exciting opportunities for those who embraced change and worked hard. Lily felt herself being caught up in his excitement for the future, his ambition was contagious. Now that the integration was over and the dust settled, Lily knew the figures and was convinced the future looked bright. She had known it would just be a matter of time – and now, after this phone call, the moment was here. The promotion was here.
She pulled out the mirror she kept in the top drawer, the mere thought of seeing him sending butterflies racing to her stomach. Silently cursing the shadows under her eyes, she sighed. If the weather stayed fine this weekend, she’d definitely try to catch some sun so she didn’t look so peaky – maybe sit in the park. Quickly, she applied some lipstick and fluffed up her hair. That would have to do.
She approached the desk outside James’s room where his secretary sat guarding her boss with her usual Rottweiler tendencies. Lily was met with her customary frosty smile but for once she didn’t care.
‘Just go through, please.’
Opening the door with a deep breath Lily stepped into the room, the thick luxurious carpet softening her footsteps as she made her way to the large mahogany desk situated in the corner. James smiled and, ever the gentleman, rose to his feet when he saw her. She caught a whiff of his familiar expensive cologne as she sat down, returning his smile and nodding to Helen from HR seated beside him.
‘I’d like to start, Lily by saying how much we appreciate the work you’ve done for Bremners over the past year. You’ve been an integral part of the smooth transition. Your professionalism and dedication have been second to none.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied feeling a warm glow of pride spreading through her. All those hours of hard work were about to pay off.
‘However, moving forward we’ve had to take some difficult decisions.’
Lily looked up sharply, something about his tone ringing alarm bells.
‘Looking to the future, we’ve decided to introduce some strategic reorganisations …’
James’s lips – the ones she had imagined tasting a thousand times – were still moving but suddenly Lily couldn’t hear anything except the pounding of blood in her ears. Her mouth went dry with a sickly sense of what was about to come. She waited, hardly breathing, as he carried on talking. And then it came.
Termination of employment. The words seemed to land with a thud on the desk, in big bold letters, creating a chasm as wide as a desert between them. In an instance they were on different sides. Part of the team and not part of the team. Lily swallowed deeply, her mind rapidly processing what this meant, none of it good. She was totally dumbstruck. Not only had she assumed her job was safe, she’d actually thought they were promoting her. The dancing butterflies scurried away leaving a ball of fury in the pit of her stomach. She looked at him helplessly for confirmation. Her mouth opened and then closed again. She thought desperately for something to say. How had she got it so wrong? How could he do this to her?
‘I – I didn’t think there were going to be any more redundancies,’ she stuttered.
‘As you know, we managed to reduce costs with natural wastage and the initial round of redundancies was successful in achieving our initial targets but now we have to look longer term. This will be the final round of strategic cuts and losses will be kept to an absolute minimum.’
He nodded patronisingly as if he was explaining something difficult to a child when in fact, she knew everything about the state of the finances. And they were good. Obviously too good. The systems she had helped set up didn’t need a team of accountants. She had effectively provided him with the ammunition he was now using against her.
Tears of humiliation stung her eyes. She felt so foolish – not just on a professional level but personally. All this time she had been working for him, had he known this was going to happen? Was he planning this all along? She’d thought they might have a future together … She felt light-headed and sick. All she wanted was to get out of there, and fast.
‘I’m very sorry, Lily, you know it’s not personal.’
God, she really wished he hadn’t said that. Because that was exactly what it was. Work had consumed her every waking moment. If she wasn’t at work, she was thinking about it. About him. Everything in her life from the moment she woke up until she collapsed exhausted into bed late at night, was based around her work.
She knew the way he operated; this was final. Now Helen from HR was reaching over the desk, handing a letter.
‘These are the terms of your notice, I think you’ll find them very generous,’ she said smugly. As if that would make a difference.
Lily took a deep breath. As much as she wanted to unleash the torrent of words thrashing abound in her head – and possibly hurl his laptop across the room for good measure – she knew they would stay in her head. She had never deliberately drawn attention to herself or caused a scene and she wasn’t about to start now.
Her pride kicked in. No way would she let him see her humiliation. So she blinked away the tears and, mustering every scrap of dignity she could, stood up on shaky legs. James stood up too, following her to the door.
‘I know this must be a shock, Lily. If there had been any other way, I promise …’ His voice was low and beseeching, almost as if he meant it.
He held out his hand for her to take but unable to bring herself to touch him, she turned and walked away.
Chapter 2 (#ulink_a2a09956-9d4d-5dc7-be17-f7c592e6bbab)
Lily was lying in bed on Thursday morning. She wasn’t sure of the time but there seemed to be little point in getting up. Everything had become a huge effort, a strange inertia settling over her.
Earlier she’d listened to the flurry of noise and activity, doors opening and closing, as her neighbours left for work. Like her, they were mostly young professionals but unlike her, they all had somewhere to go. Now everything had fallen eerily silent.
Lily shifted her position, trying to escape the trail of crumbs lodged uncomfortably against her skin. Eating crisps in bed last night in a vain attempt to soak up some of the alcohol probably hadn’t been her best idea.
The weekend had passed in a daze of disbelief and self-recrimination, punctuated by copious amounts of comfort food, caffeine and alcohol. Her anger and disappointment at losing her job, and her feelings for James, were twisted into one angry knot of resentment. Her career and dream of a relationship had been wiped away in one cruel blow.
She could feel flames of mortification simmering within her as she tried to work out how she’d misread the situation so badly. All those times he’d looked at her, holding her gaze a fraction longer than necessary, the compliments and conversations that had peppered their working relationship. How sad that she’d somehow manoeuvred her life into a position where she’d been so desperate for his attention, reading something into it when all he’d been doing was being friendly.
Leaving the office on Friday already felt like a lifetime ago, although seeing six years of work reduced to the contents of a cardboard box wasn’t something she’d forget in a hurry. Spare tights, a couple of mugs, aspirin and a few photos weren’t much. She’d taken a final look around, swiping a box of gold paperclips and several pens in a final pathetic act of defiance. Technically stealing but given all the holiday she was due, she felt it was the least she was owed.
On Monday morning, she woke early out of force of habit. An initial euphoria at her newfound freedom gave her a burst of energy. Take a few days and be kind to yourself after redundancy had been the online advice. Who was she to argue?
So over the next few days, she’d done exactly that. She did all those things she’d always wanted to but never had time. She had the most expensive, luxurious facial Edinburgh could offer which had soothed her tear-induced blotchy skin, but had done little for her damaged self-esteem. She sat in the warm nook of a little cafe with a gigantic mug of coffee and read an entire novel. She stayed in her pyjamas all day watching films, only heaving herself off the sofa to take delivery of pizza. She joined the swarm of tourists for a tour of the castle, immersing herself in the glories and gore of the Scottish monarchs.
She came home from the supermarket laden down with every conceivable cleaning product she could lay her hands on, and scrubbed her flat from top to bottom. And she discovered that even if she did have all the time in the world, she still wouldn’t use her gym membership.
It all felt unreal. She was playing truant and any moment someone from work would call, demanding she return to the office. Time and time again she checked her phone for messages or emails, anything to show she was missed, that she was still needed. She tried to put a positive spin on it, to see it as an opportunity. But the only opportunity she could see was going slowly insane.
The flat had always been her refuge at the end of the day. Now, in the silence of the day it felt claustrophobic, the walls closing in on her. She paced about, looking for something to do.
Apart from the dubious decor and temperamental heating, it was a nice enough flat. Lily hadn’t intended to be there much longer, her interest already registered in an exciting new development of high-quality contemporary apartments, ideal for professionals like her. She’d enjoying visualising her new fat; a place of white walls, clean lines and understated elegance – ideally resembling a Swedish furniture catalogue. But she knew losing her job meant that wasn’t going to happen now.
What she was supposed to do – the next piece of advice – was remind herself of her capabilities and make a plan to get back out there. At the moment, getting out of bed was a task too much. The weather was annoyingly warm and sunny, which didn’t suit her mood at all. At least if it was cold and raining – entirely possible in Scotland in June – she’d feel more justified in burying herself under the duvet.
She’d got as far as updating her CV, noting with grim satisfaction that she looked impressive on paper, even if in reality she was a snivelling wreck. How things had changed in a week.
She’d told herself not to wallow. But then rationality would fail her and she would slump again, despondency taking over. She was redundant. The word seemed to hang in the very air around her so that there was no escaping it. She had been disposed of. Surplus to requirements. One day she had somewhere to be, belonged somewhere, people waiting for her input. Then, nothing.
The crumbs had somehow shifted again, biting into her flesh. Worried she might actually lie there forever, Lily was finally provided with the impetus to move by the soft thud of mail landing on the door mat.
Several moments later, she sat on the edge of her bed with an open letter lying in her lap, wondering if strange forces were at work. It wasn’t so much the contents of the letter – she’d received ones like it before – but the timing. She scanned the words again embossed on the thick creamy paper from Bell & Bain Solicitors.
Mr Bell was writing regarding her late mother’s estate, specifically the property in Loch Carroch. Taking into account that the property had been lying empty for several months, and mindful of current market conditions with a view to achieving the best price should she wish to sell, Mr Bell was politely enquiring if Lily had reached any decisions or would like to arrange a meeting to discuss the matter.
Lily sighed, casting the letter aside. No, she wouldn’t actually. It had nothing to do with the current market or achieving best possible price and everything to do with finally facing the things she’d become an expert at avoiding.
She remembered the first time she’d met Mr Bell, the day still painfully scored into her memory. She’d sat on one side of his massive dark wooden desk covered in mounds of paperwork, shocked to her core after the death of her mother. It had felt utterly unreal to be talking about her in the past tense. In life, her mother’s casual attitude to financial matters made discussing them now even more unreal..
But it seemed for once, Patricia Ballantine (or Patty as she’d preferred to be called) had thought ahead and done the grown-up thing. Mr Bell explained that after the recent death of her own mother, Patty had put her affairs in order and made a will.
‘Makes things so much easier,’ he’d said kindly. Lily had sat in stunned silence, staring at a small tuft of grey hair on top of his bent head as he patiently and meticulously made his way through various documents.
‘And of course, there was the shop with the flat above it that she’d recently purchased in Loch Carroch.’ He’d regarded her over the rim of his owl-like glasses. ‘Perhaps you’ll want to sell, do you think?’
Lily had looked down, fiddling with her bracelet. She knew she’d have to go one day to face the small shop that her mother had bought in the north of Scotland. But selling it would be to acknowledge that her mother really was gone, and Lily simply wasn’t ready to do that. As long as it was there, she still had something of her mother’s but she wasn’t sure she could explain that to Mr Bell. ‘Not yet,’ she had stated simply.
Time was meant to be a healer but Lily knew it wasn’t. You simply found ways of dealing with it. You learnt to swallow the tears, forced yourself to think of something else. And in Lily’s case that had meant focusing on her job. Work had always been important to her, it was her routine and her security. After Patty had died and all the changes had started in Bremners and James had arrived, it became even more so.
Lily sighed, opened the drawer of her bedside table, and pulled out a photograph, holding it in between her fingers. Beautiful and carefree, her mother’s laughing brown eyes smiled out at her. She used to look at the photo all the time, talk to it sometimes. She’d bought a silver frame for it but then it had all become too painful. The frame lay empty and Lily rarely looked at the photo now; it been hidden in the drawer, rarely brought out or scrutinised – much like her feelings.
She exhaled deeply and tucked the photo away, feeling the familiar stab of guilt knowing she should have gone by now. Instead she’d left it all to Iris.
Iris lived in Carroch and had been part of their lives ever since Lily and her mother first visited there when Lily was a baby. It had been Iris who had helped arranged Patty’s funeral in the same church in Dunbar where her own parents’ – Lily’s grandparents’ – funerals had been held. Other than that, Patty’s only stipulation had been that her ashes be scattered on Loch Carroch. Iris had taken the ashes back to Carroch with her and reassured Lily she’d keep an eye on the flat and shop in the meantime. ‘Come when you’re ready,’ she had said.
Lily had fully intended to go up and deal with everything. But then tomorrow had become next week and now months had gone by. She had almost convinced herself she was waiting for the right moment, but deep down Lily knew there would never be one.
She’d gone straight back to work the day after the funeral. There had been no extended compassionate leave. No time to dwell. There had been only one occasion during a particularly long meeting when she’d had to rush to the ladies’, taking a moment to compose herself at the sudden threat of tears. Other than that, it had been business as usual, channelling everything into her job so that if she thought of her mother, she buried it away and focused instead on the figures in front of her, masking her pain behind balance sheets and numbers.
Now, without her so-called glittering career, there was nothing for Lily to hide behind. She knew that was why the redundancy had been so devastating. It wasn’t simply about losing her job; it had brought about this moment, the one she’d been afraid of. Now she had no excuses not to make the journey and sort through the life her mother had left behind. And although Lily knew she’d never be fully ready, she also knew she couldn’t put it off any longer.
Chapter 3 (#ulink_05f739a7-0cd8-58a7-90bd-8bf0ddfdc450)
Lily woke with a start. The warmth of the carriage and the hypnotic motion of the train must have lulled her to sleep. Edinburgh had been grey and drizzly when she’d left and now as if by magic, she’d been transported to another world. She blinked a few times as her eyes focused on the wild beauty of the Scottish Highlands outside the window.
Earlier she had taken a final look around her flat, reassuring herself she’d be back soon. Mrs Robertson on the ground floor had kindly agreed to take a set of keys and keep an eye on it. After that, there was really nothing left to do and so with a heavy heart, Lily had wheeled her case along the capital’s cobbled streets towards Waverly station.
She rubbed a hand over her face now and stretched out her cramped muscles just as a crackly voice announced Inverness was the next stop. She remembered all the times she’d made the train journey with her mum, how it had always felt interminably long to Lily who wished for once they could go somewhere that wasn’t a damp caravan in the north of Scotland.
Life with Patty Ballantine was never predictable but one thing that never changed was their annual holiday to Carroch. Lily would listen to girls at school returning from their Mediterranean holidays with tans and tales of boys on the beach. The only thing that Lily came home with was pale skin covered in midge bites. Lily’s over-riding memory was of there not much being much to do and she could never really understand why her mother was always drawn back to the same place year after year. But Patty claimed it to be her spiritual home and had continued to visit long after Lily stopped coming, so perhaps there’d been an inevitability about her mother eventually going to live there.
It would be good to see Iris again, Lily told herself, rolling up her unread magazine and stuffing it back into her bag. And it would probably only take a matter of days to sort through everything and get it ready for selling. But despite her attempts at self-bolstering, Lily knew her memories of her mother were so entwined with Carroch, there was going to be nothing easy about facing it without her.
Lily stood up when the train slowed down and came to a halt, pulling her bag from the overhead space as other people in the carriage also started to move, hauling rucksacks and collecting bags. The doors of the train slid open and Lily stepped onto the platform watching as the train rumbled away. She took a deep breath of the fresh tangy air, suddenly engulfed by a sense of isolation.
She stood still for a moment before giving herself a shake and picking up her bag. She fell into step behind the other passengers making their way to the taxi rank. The thirty odd miles from the station to Carroch made the choice of a taxi an extravagant one but for once she ignored her instinctive frugality and took her place in the small line of people waiting. Besides, she highly doubted there’d be any buses this late in the day.
The taxi driver was cheery enough but thankfully not chatty, only interrupting the silence to comment on the few days of warm weather they were currently enjoying. Lily gazed out at the passing scenery until glimpses of the loch appeared through the trees and she knew they were almost there. She’d forgotten just how beautiful the loch could look, especially now at twilight when the dark shimmering water converged with a soft violet sky on the horizon. But even in the face of such beauty, Lily felt dread clutching at her stomach at what she was about to face.
They continued on the road which swept around the west side of the loch until finally they reached Carroch’s small main street. A small, picturesque village, it sat in a sheltered bay and was surrounded by towering mountains and hills. Lily’s heart quickened as she saw the familiar row of shops and neatly painted cottages which decorated the curve of the bay facing the water.
‘Here we are then,’ the driver announced, pulling up outside the shop. Lily nervously bit her lip as she quickly scanned the property that now belonged to her. It was the last in the little row of shops, a two-storey building painted white, with three small windows on the first floor and two latticed windows on either side of shop door on the ground floor. Lily vaguely remembered the shop being the post office when she’d last been here. It had sold a hodgepodge of sundries and she recalled being allowed to choose an ice-lolly from a chilled cabinet at the back of the shop which was crammed with frozen chips and fish fingers. Now the paintwork was flaking in places and the lettering above the door faded to the point of be indiscernible.
After paying the driver Lily climbed out of the car and walked round to the side entrance. She rummaged in her bag for the keys, her fingers suddenly clammy and clumsy as she fumbled to unlock the door. Inside the hall was dark but she managed to find the switch for the hall light, relieved when it came on even though she knew Mr Bell had arranged to keep paying the utility bills.
Facing her was a door which presumably led to the shop and to her right was a staircase. Deciding to head straight upstairs to the flat, she lugged her case up the narrow rickety stairs where four doors led off from a square, wooden floored hall.
The kitchen was positioned at the back of the house beside a small bathroom while the living room faced the front with views to the loch. She opened each door in turn, quickly scanning the rooms as if she’d find her mother in one of them. But of course, her absence was shatteringly real. Finally, she opened the last door to her mother’s bedroom which Lily quickly closed again; that was simply too daunting to face tonight.
Instead she returned to the kitchen. Dominated by a large wooden table surrounded by mismatched chairs, the pale blue units appeared rustically charming more from their age than design. A recess of shelving was crammed with colourful crockery and an ancient stoneware cooking pot sat on top of the oven. Lily’s mother wasn’t always inclined to cook but when the mood took her, she never bothered with a recipe. Instead she’d simply throw in whatever was to hand, concocting slightly unusual tasting soups or casseroles.
A wicker shopping basket sat on the floor, a bamboo wind chime hung silently at the window. There were touches of her mother everywhere and Lily could picture her here so clearly, almost as if she’d walk through the door any moment. If only she would. Lily sighed silently, closing her eyes briefly.
The living room was quite large but as a result of their frequent moving and Patty’s reluctance to acquire possessions, it didn’t contain much furniture. Lily’s eyes roamed the room, recognising the two brown sofas and the small walnut coffee table. There was a pretty fireplace and a shelved alcove lined with books. Patty always left half-read books lying around as if she’d lost the patience to finish them. Moving over to the mantelpiece, Lily picked up a framed photo of the two of them taken at the loch years ago, their heads close together smiling in the sunshine.
Lily had no memories of her mother in this house and if she’d hoped that might make it easier, then she was mistaken. She swallowed down the lump in her throat with the realisation this was going to be more difficult than she ever could have imagined.
As Lily silently roamed the house, it was clear Iris had been keeping the place polished and clean. Not only that, but Lily was acutely aware that Iris had taken care of the house in the immediate aftermath of Patty’s death, sparing Lily the devastation of seeing her mother’s last movements unfolded and she felt a wave of gratitude and guilt wash over her.
Suddenly she couldn’t stand the silence. She needed to do something, anything to fill the emptiness. She’d make a cup of tea – that’s what people did to make things feel better. But she didn’t want tea. What she really wanted, she realised, was alcohol.
She unzipped her suitcase where, protected deep within the folds of clothes, were a few staples she’d brought for her first night; a jar of coffee, teabags, a packet of biscuits and a bottle of wine. Bringing a glass through from the kitchen, she poured from the bottle, imagining the deep plumy taste of the silky red wine soothing its way into her bloodstream. She raised the glass to her mouth and froze.
Someone was unlocking the front door. With shaky fingers she laid the glass down, her ears straining to hear. Then she remembered – of course, it would be Iris. She hadn’t told her she was coming but perhaps she’d seen her arriving?
Except the footsteps coming up the stairs didn’t sound like that of a lithe 60-something woman. Some logical part of her brain was telling her burglars didn’t have keys but that didn’t stop her heart hammering uncomfortably in her chest. She’d almost stopped breathing when the door opened and the silhouette of a large man filled the doorway.
Definitely not Iris.
There was a moment of stunned silence as they stared at each other until Lily managed to find her voice. ‘Wh-who are you?’ she stuttered.
The man hitched his hands into the front pocket of his jeans, seemingly in no hurry to explain himself. When he did, his voice was deep and drawling. ‘I could ask you the same thing.’
Lily opened her mouth and then closed it again, not seeing why she should explain herself to this intruder. Or maybe he was a squatter – he did look a bit scruffy. But a squatter with keys – was that even possible? One thing was for sure, she should never have left the place as long as she had. Taking a step closer, she drew herself up which admittedly didn’t make much impact on their height difference.
‘Why don’t you go first – who are you?’ she demanded, amazed her voice sounded normal.
‘I’m Jack Armstrong.’ He leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms. ‘And you must be Patty’s daughter?’
‘That’s right.’ Seriously, who was this man?
‘Iris said you’d be here sometime.’
Slightly placated on hearing Iris’s name, Lily still found his presence extremely unnerving. Maybe because in the semi-darkness his features were shadowed so that only the contours of his cheekbones and strong jawline were visible. Other than that, the only thing she could see was how obviously broad and tall he was. And she still had no idea what he was doing here.
‘So um, why are you here?’
‘I’m here to feed Misty.’ His tone implied this was something she should know.
Lily blinked. ‘Misty?’
At which point, a black and white cat miraculously appeared and began purring and rubbing itself against the man’s legs. Lily frowned. This was all starting to feel quite strange. The man lowered onto his hunches, and Lily watched his hand run along the length of the cat’s black fur. ‘Hello girl,’ he murmured gently.
Lily suddenly felt exhausted, feeling incapable of understanding anything right now. ‘Sorry but why is there a cat here?’ she asked.
He straightened up. ‘You didn’t know there was a cat here?’
‘Evidently not.’ Her voice was sharper than she’d intended but the unexpectedness of finding this stranger looking after a cat she knew nothing about had thrown her.
He let out a small sigh. ‘Misty was a stray in the village. I used to feed her now and again but Patty let her come and live here with her. With the place lying empty, we weren’t really sure what to do with her. Thought she might leave of her own accord but she seemed intent on staying and since I live nearby Iris gave me a set of keys. I’ve been keeping an eye on her.’
There was an awkward pause, Lily unsure of what to say next. Although she couldn’t see them in the dark, she felt his eyes on her, assessing her in some way. ‘So,’ he said eventually. ‘Now you’re here, you can take care of Misty?’
Lily wasn’t sure she liked the insinuation that she’d simply breezed in on a whim. She also didn’t really like cats. ‘Um, yes … of course.’
‘You’re sure?’ he checked, not sounding too convinced.
‘Absolutely.’ What on earth was she going to do with it?
‘Okay.’ He gave a shrug. ‘Well, in that case her food is under the sink and the litter tray is probably needing emptied.’
‘Litter tray?’
‘You know, for her—’
‘Yes. Of course,’ she snapped.
‘I’ll leave you to it then, I’m sure you have things to do.’ He looked like he might be about to add something, but Lily didn’t give him a chance.
‘I do actually,’ she agreed, making a move towards the door. ‘And er, thank you.’
‘Not a problem.’ He paused for a moment, his voice softening. ‘Patty was a lovely lady. I’m sorry for your loss.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied quietly.
He bent down to give the cat a final stroke and then with a brief nod in Lily’s direction, he was gone.
Lily waited to hear the door close and then grabbed her glass, gulping a mouthful of wine. She gave herself a small shake, feeling well and truly rattled after that little encounter. If Jack Armstrong was a taste of what was to come, then the sooner she sold the shop and returned to Edinburgh the better.
Chapter 4 (#ulink_43d96dc9-f7c2-594c-9f9f-df490804b376)
Lily was woken by a strangely heavy sensation on her chest. Her eyelids fluttered open to find a pair of jade-green eyes staring at her. She bolted upright with a shriek as a flash of black fur shot away in disgust, clearly not too pleased at the disruption. Feeling dazed, Lily perched on the edge of the sofa letting her heart rate settle as the room came into focus and her brain processed where she was and why a cat had been sitting on her.
Last night she’d ended up putting on her PJs and settling herself on the sofa. She had briefly considered sleeping in her mother’s room but the truth was she’d been afraid, as if shadows and echoes from the past would come to haunt her. She doubted she’d get much sleep anyway so it didn’t really matter. Instead, Lily had unearthed a patchwork quilt that she remembered her mother, in a rare moment of domesticity, had made years ago and wrapped it around her body. As she had feared, sleep hadn’t come to her until the early hours when her body had finally given way to exhaustion.
She hadn’t drawn the curtains last night and now early morning light trickled in through the window, the blue sky beyond promising a beautiful summer’s day to come. Under other circumstances she might have been full of energy, tempted to explore her surroundings. But today she felt shrouded in a sense of the past, of having to deal with things she didn’t want to.
She supposed she’d better feed the cat, which was now sitting in front of the fire licking itself in unmentionable places. Lily grimaced, looking away. Rising gingerly from the sofa, she shuffled her way through to the kitchen where she successfully managed to locate two bowls, filling one with fresh water and the other with biscuits.
With her cat duties out of the way, Lily’s thoughts turned to a hot shower although she wasn’t holding out much hope. In the bathroom she switched on the shower, waiting with trepidation. There was a good amount of clunking and clanking from the pipes as the system came to life but to her relief, hot water finally spluttered out. It worked far better than she’d dared hope and after standing under the spray of hot water for several minutes, she stepped out feeling sufficiently galvanised for the day ahead.
Dressed in jeans and a soft grey jumper, she went about filling the kettle and finding a mug in the kitchen. She looked out of the window and down onto the back garden. It was more of a courtyard really, with wooden tubs full of colourful flowers sitting on paving stones and dark green ivy snaking its way along a trellised wall at the bottom.
Recalling the taxi driver’s remarks from last night about the warm spell of weather, it was obvious from the vibrancy of the plants that someone had been watering them. Unless the cat man from last night had been watering the garden as well as feeding Misty, it must have been Iris. Big-hearted, kind Iris; Lily dreaded to think what she’d have done without her.
She and her mother had been kindred spirits, their shared passion for the Edinburgh festival one of many things the two women had bonded over and every year they would go together to experience the exuberant chaos of the live acts and street performers.
It had been last year on their annual pilgrimage to the festival when Patty had become unwell. Lily had been due to meet them for dinner later until Iris had rung to say Patty had been taken to hospital after collapsing. By the time Lily had reached the hospital, a cerebral aneurysm had already tipped her mother’s body into a coma.
Lily had sat by her bed, somehow knowing her mother wouldn’t linger. Being prodded and poked by doctors and nurses in a hospital bed wasn’t her style at all. It wasn’t just the indignity of it, it was simply far too boring. She would have hated people to see her like that, to be surrounded by sadness and tears. Lily could almost hear her voice; ‘Must be going now, darling.’
This way her body would never be ravaged by months of sickness and even with life ebbing away Patty still managed to radiate beauty. Her dark chestnut hair held a rich hue despite a sprinkling of grey. Lily had brushed it gently, willing her mother to open her eyes but they remained resolutely shut. Lily had watched her intently, breathing every breath with her.
Theirs hadn’t been the easiest of relationships but Lily had loved her mother. Seeing her like this, when she was usually so full of life and energy, was the worst and most difficult thing she’d ever had to do and despite Iris being there, she’d never felt so alone.
Lily had never met her father and knew little about him – only that he was French and part of a theatrical touring company in Edinburgh for the festival. According to her mother, Lily was the result of a passionate short-lived love affair. She didn’t talk about him much, but Lily suspected her free-spirited mother found it all quite romantic. But whatever romanticised notions she may have had, the reality was that Lily had been brought up alone by her mother so now she had no other family member to share the same grief.
And so Lily had sat in the hospital holding her mother’s hand, talking quietly about anything and everything until finally there was nothing left to do except thank the hospital staff and be grateful that she’d been with her at the end.
The world had suddenly felt a very different place; cold and dark. It didn’t seem right that everything should be going on as normal. Somehow, she’d stumbled her way through the next few days, Iris constantly by her side. Lily didn’t know how she’d have got through that time without her. She suddenly couldn’t wait to see her.
It had taken Lily a while to calm down the night before after her unexpected visitor in the large, unsettling shape of Jack Armstrong. Not sure why it had irked her so much, she’d replayed their conversation over in her head, hoping but failing to see it in a more positive light. Eventually she’d given up and turned her attention to phoning Iris.
Lily hadn’t told her in advance she was coming for the simple reason she feared she would change her mind at the last minute. After receiving a mild scolding for not telling her, Lily had to stop Iris coming round there and then. Instead, Iris told her she’d be there this morning.
Aware she’d be arriving soon, Lily finished making her coffee and carefully negotiated her way down the staircase, passing the door to her mother’s bedroom. Sorting through her mother’s personal things was for another day. She’d need a mountain of courage for that which she simply didn’t have, at least not yet.
She stopped for a few seconds before entering the shop, filled with a sudden apprehension. Taking a deep breath and mentally squaring her shoulders, she opened the door and stepped into the shop.
Bright daylight poured in through the windows as if to welcome her in so that instead of the cold emptiness she’d braced herself for, she experienced an unexpected warmth. The air was a little musty and a fine film of dust coated the surfaces but it could have been much worse considering the shop had been empty for all these months. Despite the slightly neglected air, there was something immediately appealing about the shop. Leaving her mug on the wooden counter Lily crossed the floor to the large front windows where outside people were wandering along the main street, the sparkling loch providing the perfect backdrop. She savoured the view for as long as she dared and then, worried she might be seen, turned away from the window to survey the shop.
The black and white tiled flooring was in need of a good clean, but complemented the pale green walls perfectly. Rows of wooden shelves lined one of the walls while an old distressed dresser formed the focal point of another. There were a couple of freestanding display cabinets, and stacked rather precariously in one corner was a pile of cardboard boxes and a mound of various parcels and packages which, by the looks of things, remained unopened.
A friendly looking old-fashioned till sat on the counter and Lily ran her hand over the cool metal wondering where her mother had unearthed it from or if it had always been there. She couldn’t help smiling when she saw a messy pile of papers and a couple of notebooks scattered about behind the counter – her mother was never one for orderly piles. But there were also sheets of coloured tissue paper, boxes and bags in different shapes and sizes and pretty swathes of ribbon, ready for gift wrapping.
As she moved around, Lily was unexpectedly comforted by how much she could feel her mother’s presence. How easily she was able to picture her here, floating about in one of her quirky ensembles with clashing colours and patterns that she somehow always managed to make look stylish.
Lily gave herself a small shake. A plan, that’s what she needed. Organisation was her first, last and middle name. Thinking about where to start first, she swallowed the last mouthful of her coffee just as she heard the sound of a key in the side door and then Iris’s voice drifting through from the hall.
‘Lily?’
‘Through here,’ she called, rushing to meet her. And then suddenly, Iris’s kind face was there in front of her.
‘Iris.’ It came as a half-sob.
‘Come here,’ Iris soothed, dropping a massive yellow canvas bag onto the floor and wrapping Lily in a warm hug.
Until that moment Lily hadn’t realised how much she’d been holding herself back, how uptight she was. Iris eventually released her, holding her at arm’s length with an appraising look. ‘Goodness, there’s a lot of tension in you.’
It was true, she had a knot of tension the size of a small boulder between her shoulder blades that seemed to have lodged itself there recently. ‘I’m fine,’ Lily assured with a watery smile.
‘Hmm, perhaps you’ve arrived just in time,’ Iris said, sounding rather enigmatic as she picked up her bag and followed Lily through to the shop.
Lily looked at Iris affectionately, marvelling at how she never seemed to age. It occurred to her she didn’t know exactly old how Iris was, but it seemed somehow irrelevant because she never changed. Her blue eyes were as vibrant as ever and she still wore armfuls of bangles, her hennaed hair styled in a loose bun, her smile never far away.
She still lived in the same cottage near the caravan park where they’d first met her all those years ago. She’d been a music teacher before retiring, travelling throughout the Highlands and Islands to different schools. She’d been married two – or was it three – times but had never had children of her own.
She had been more of a permanent fixture in Lily’s life then her own grandparents whose strained relationship with their only child meant she’d seen more of Iris over the years than she had of them. Lily felt a rush of emotion for her. ‘I’m so sorry I haven’t been before. Leaving you to deal with all this.’
Iris waved away her apology. ‘You have nothing to be sorry for. Patty was my friend, of course I wanted to help any way I could. Besides, I didn’t do much. Just a bit of dusting and tidying.’ She paused, taking Lily’s hand. ‘I have the ashes at home with me, I didn’t want to leave them here. So, whenever you think the time is right we can take them to the loch.’
Lily nodded mutely, blinking away the sudden tears clouding her eyes. She knew it was something that had to be done but it wasn’t something she could easily contemplate at that very moment.
Iris continued. ‘I left her bedroom for you, all her personal bits and pieces are there. I know it’s going to be difficult for you but its part of the healing process. A stage of mourning and letting go that you have to go through but once it’s done I think you’ll find it will help you.’
Lily remained silent as Iris carried on, her voice brighter. ‘I knew you’d come when the time was right. Did you finally take some holidays?’
‘A bit more than a holiday. I was made redundant.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘I certainly didn’t see it coming,’ Lily said sagely, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice. The last thing she wanted was to unload her woes onto Iris. She’d already done enough without having to provide a shoulder for Lily to cry on.
‘And last we spoke it was going so well,’ Iris remarked.
‘These things happen, I suppose.’ Lily shrugged.
‘Quite. But you know, perhaps some time away won’t do you any harm. And you’re certainly in the right place if you want to unwind for a while.’
‘I’m not going to be here long,’ Lily responded quickly, perhaps too quickly. ‘I’ll be selling.’
Iris gave a kind but knowing look. ‘You must do what you think is right. But there’s no hurry is there?’
Lily looked around, as if looking for a reason but failed to find one.
‘I don’t suppose so, no.’
‘Is there someone waiting for you? A young man, perhaps?’ Iris’s voice tinkled as she shrugged off her jacket revealing a long floaty skirt and white tunic top.
It was so far from the truth Lily could have laughed. Nothing and no one was waiting for her, she thought dismally. An image of James’s handsome face drifted in and out of her mind, pretty much the way he’d done in her life. She shook the image away, helping Iris to lift her bag onto the counter. ‘No one waiting,’ she replied lightly.
Her personal dreams might be lying in tatters but she always had her career to fall back on despite this current setback. She was good at her job and she missed it. Even here, far from her usual environment, she still had to fight a nagging feeling that she should be at her desk, starting a day’s work. The redundancy had indeed been generous so financially at least there was no urgency but even so, she decided there and then that finding another job would be her priority as soon as she sold the shop.
She glanced at her iPhone on the counter, her only link to the outside world and her only chance of looking for another job. Frustratingly, she’d only been able to get a sporadic connection.
‘Do you know if there’s somewhere I can go for Wi-Fi?’
Iris flapped her hand dismissively. ‘I don’t really know about these things but I’ve heard people mention café in the activity centre has a place you can go. Although you know a digital detox might do you good.’
Lily couldn’t help but laugh, recognising it as something her mother would have said.
‘I’ve brought you a few things,’ Iris said, rummaging in her bag. ‘Some incense sticks – chamomile and jasmine, very good for calming the mind. And this,’ she declared holding up a small brown bottle, ‘is my herbal remedy. Ingredients are secret but I can guarantee it’ll make you feel better if you’re having an off-day.’ She laid the items on the counter before digging into her bag yet again, this time producing a ceramic dish wrapped in foil.
‘Shepherd’s pie which you can reheat later, and don’t take this the wrong way but it looks like you could do with a bit of sustenance.’
Lily could only smile her appreciation, well aware she wasn’t exactly looking her sparkly best.
‘Talking of which,’ Iris said, ‘when was the last time you took a holiday?’
Lily pursed her lip.
‘Just as I thought.’ Iris shook her head. ‘Why don’t you just take some time for yourself? Time to just be, time to think – that’s what you need and Carroch is the perfect place.’
Lily nodded blandly. That’s what she’d been avoiding; the thought of empty time terrified her.
‘You could always come for a swim.’ Iris turned to her with bright eyes. ‘Do you remember how you used to love it?’
Lily vividly remembered. Swimming in the loch was one of the few things she’d actually looked forward to in Carroch, her mother having passed on her love of wild swimming. Patty had never taken Lily to girl guides or dance lessons or any of the other activities girls in her school had gone to, but one thing she’d insisted on was teaching Lily to swim from an early age. Although she deplored the chlorinated, characterless heated swimming pools, she had endured them each week to teach Lily to swim.
‘There’s a group meet every morning around eight, down by the jetty. I go most days but you can just turn up.’
‘Perhaps.’ Lily replied noncommittally but she didn’t dismiss the idea totally. She was touched that Iris had included her and felt suddenly lifted by her presence. ‘Thanks for coming today, Iris,’ she said gratefully. ‘Although you didn’t have to rush around today.’
‘I was coming to the shop today anyway.’
‘Oh?’
‘I didn’t tell you on the phone but I would have been here today for the knit club.’
‘Knit club?’ Lily echoed in surprise. Her mother wasn’t exactly the tea and knitting type.
‘Your mum didn’t knit but it was all her idea. One of the ladies in the village your mum was friendly with had recently moved into sheltered housing a few miles away. Patty used to go and visit her and she became friendly with several of the other women living there too. She came up with the idea to use the back room here as a knitting club, somewhere they could come for a change of scenery and bit of company each week. She arranged the transport and everything.’
Lily followed her through a door to what she had assumed was some sort of storage space but was in fact a bright room with a window looking out onto the small back garden. A large trestle table sat in the middle of the floor surrounded by an assortment of chairs and there was a small sideboard piled with tea making things next to a small sink.
‘It had only been running a few weeks and after your mum … well, we carried on. It seemed a shame to stop it when the ladies enjoyed it so much. I hope you didn’t mind?’
‘Of course not.’ Lily hadn’t known about the knitting club but was hardly going to turn up now and start objecting. She looked down suddenly, feeling a brush of something against her leg to see the cat had sauntered in, looking for all the world as if she owned the place. Which now she came to think about it, she kind of did.
‘Hello Misty,’ Iris chirped.
‘I didn’t know Mum had a cat?’ Lily watched Iris bend down to briefly welcome their feline visitor.
Iris wrinkled her forehead. ‘Ah, did I not mention that? She and your mother, well they sort of adopted one another. I would have taken her but I’m terribly allergic and so we decided to let her stay here. Jack lives nearby and very kindly agreed to help out. She’s quite clean though, don’t worry. We took her to the vet’s and had her all checked out.’
‘I met him last night – Jack. Gave me a bit of shock, I can tell you.’
‘Yes, I imagine he would have,’ Iris chuckled. ‘I don’t suppose he’d have been expecting you either.’
Lily hadn’t thought of it like that and it occurred to her now she may have appeared rude last night. But for some reason she couldn’t work out, their brief encounter unnerved her. Maybe it was guilt, knowing she should have been the one helping out, not him. Or maybe it was because there’d been something about his physical presence – almost a vague familiarity – she’d been too aware off.
‘I’m very grateful to Jack, I can tell you. With everything he’s got on he still took time to help with Misty. He’s an absolute gem – you’ll see that once you get to know him.’
Lily bit her lip realising she’d probably overreacted last night. But given that she had no intention of getting to know Jack Armstrong better anyway, she kept her thoughts to herself and changed the subject.
‘What can I do to help?’ she asked, glancing around.
‘Putting the kettle on would be a good place to start.’
Lily let the water run for a few seconds, trying to recollect the shop from her previous visits. ‘Who owned the shop before mum bought it?’
‘For years it was the post office, you’ll probably remember Mrs Mackie running it. She was a bit of a character,’ Iris reminisced fondly. ‘There was more gossip passed over that counter than anything else. But when they closed the post office down she decided to sell up and sold it to a couple from London.’
Iris shook her head. ‘It was all very sad. Alice and Robert were high-flying lawyers in London and this was their retirement dream. They had great plans for the place and they’d had the shop all fitted out with shelving and storage. But then Robert’s health began to deteriorate. He had a long illness and Alice nursed him but of course the shop was closed all that time. After he passed away, she couldn’t bring herself to open the shop.’
‘That’s so sad,’ Lily sympathised. ‘So what happened?’
‘Alice wanted to sell the shop but wasn’t interested in the money. I think for her it was more important who bought the shop. She and your mum had become friendly and so that was when Patty decided to buy the shop from her – it never went on the open market. Your grandparents had passed away so she was in a position to be able to make an offer. I do know she insisted on giving Alice a good price though – said she wouldn’t buy it otherwise.’
Lily knew that to be the case from Mr Bell. More or less everything Patty had received from the sale of her parents’ house had gone into buying the shop. ‘So do you know exactly what Mum was planning to do?’
Iris puffed out her cheeks, thinking. ‘We spoke a bit about it, she had ideas. She saw it as an adventure more than anything. She didn’t have a business plan or anything like that.’
Lily hesitated, then gently asked, ‘Do you think she was really serious about it all?’
Iris sighed with a sad smile. ‘You know your mum. I think she was more interested in the people who would come in and the spirit of the shop. She wanted it to be a happy place.’
Lily nodded. She could certainly imagine her mother doing that. Patty had never cared about any outward signs of success or prosperity or been driven by money. She’d also never been particularly focused on anything not had a job for any length of time before becoming bored and moving on.
Lily had never heard her mother sound as excited as when she told her she’d bought the shop with a small flat above and hoped with all her heart she had finally found what she was looking for. She’d been surprised when her mum had called to ask her a few questions about stock and pricing but had happily answered all her questions, managing to bury the little nag of doubt that it was just another adventure that wouldn’t last.
Lily had fully intended to come up and visit her mother but it had been a crucial time at work. Dunn Equity had just taken over Bremners and Lily had started working closely with James – but her mum hadn’t minded.
‘Wait until I have it all organised then you can come up for the grand opening,’ she’d said excitedly. Now regret raged through Lily that she’d never made it. Forcing her thoughts back to the present she asked Iris about the boxes she’d found this morning.
‘It was all the stock she’d bought,’ Iris stated matter-of-factly.
Lily’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, not realising she’d got as far as actually buying stock.
‘Where did she get it all from?’
‘I know she’d registered with a couple of wholesale suppliers and then there was the trade fair we went to—’
‘You went to a trade fair?’
‘Oh yes, it was all quite good fun. She placed a few orders and everything arrived but she hadn’t got round to unpacking anything yet. I stacked it all the corner and put a sheet over them. I hope that was all right?’
‘Of course,’ Lily rushed to reassure her. ‘You’ve already done too much.’
The redundancy might be the reason she was here now but Lily knew it wasn’t an excuse for her not coming sooner. And she knew if anyone understood why she hadn’t come before now it would be Iris but that wasn’t providing her with much consolation. ‘I’m really am sorry I didn’t come before.’
Iris shook her head. ‘Don’t give yourself such a hard time. You’re here now and that’s all that matters. Take your time and do what you have to and don’t worry about folk talking.’
Lily’s eyes widened. ‘Are they?’
‘Och, you know what people are like in a small place.’ Iris shook her head. ‘I think there’s been a bit of sniffing about what with the place lying empty, especially now that the village is busier.’
Lily chewed her lip, having difficulty associating the term busy with Carroch. But even so, she hated the idea of being the focus of speculation and it notched up another reason to sell up and leave again.
‘It’s your inheritance and only you can decide the right thing to do.’
Bizarrely, Lily had never viewed the shop and flat as her inheritance before, not even when Mr Bell formally read out the details of her mother’s will. To Lily, it was something that belonged to her mum, almost nothing to do with her. But of course, it was hers now and she had to deal with it. She also knew the only right thing to do was to sell. What use was it to her?
And as much as she was grateful and thankful to Iris she couldn’t afford any sort of emotional attachment. She was here to sort through her mother’s belongings and leave. A sense of goodbye, she needed that and then she could get back to Edinburgh and her life there.
Both women turned their heads at the sound of tapping on the shop door.
‘That’s them now,’ Iris announced. She opened the door to a small army of elderly ladies, the average age of which had to be eighty and all of them brandishing knitting needles.
‘Hello ladies, in you come.’ They trooped in regarding Lily with interest as Iris introduced them and explained Lily’s presence. Mary, a sweet-faced lady with powdered cheeks and wispy white hair clasped her hand, peering closely at her. ‘You’re very like your mother.’
Lily simply smiled at the comment she’d heard so many times before; her dark brown hair, full mouth and high cheekbones had always been strikingly similar to that of her mothers. Her vivid blue eyes she could only assume came from her father.
‘We all loved Patty, she was a lovely lady.’
‘Thank you,’ Lily croaked, a sudden lump forming in her throat.
‘She was so kind to us, letting us use this room. It’s such a pity the shop never opened, we were all very excited about it, you know, looking forward to seeing all the wonderful things she was going to sell.’
As the ladies began to settle themselves at the table, arranging cushions behind their backs Lily became aware that she was expected to sit with them. Fearing an interrogation was imminent, she quelled her instinct to run; besides, she really had nowhere to go. And so she took her place at the table, surrounded by faces sparkling with interest.
Tea was poured from a large brown teapot, beautifully moist lemon cake was unwrapped and cut into slices, and plates passed around. Lily’s stomach rumbled in hunger, a soggy train sandwich and a few crackers last night now a distant memory.
Lily didn’t normally do cake, choosing instead to power through the day on a super-green smoothie which supposedly enhanced mental performance. She shuddered thinking of it now as she popped the final bit of cake into her mouth, washing it down with a mouthful of tea.
And so with the clacking of needles and the voice of Ella Fitzgerald quietly serenading them in the background, Lily found herself sitting in a sea of kindness, watching withered and gnarled fingers weaving together shades of pinks, blues and greens.
Somehow Lily found herself spilling out the last few months of her life. She was tempted to gloss over it, say how she was taking a planned career break. But what was the point in lying? Redundancies happened and she was sure these ladies had all seen their share of heartache. The only part she didn’t reveal in full was how she’d fallen for James.
They listened, nodding and tutting sympathetically. They certainly saw her future in a more positive light than she had managed, the general consensus being that she was young and it would all work out. ‘Sounds like you’re burnt up, that happened to my niece,’ said one of them, patting her hand.
‘You mean burnt out,’ tutted Mary.
Some of the ladies remembered the famous Bremners department store from years ago and Lily was enthralled by their memories as they told her apparently it was the place to buy a handbag or to be seen shopping on a Saturday. Much to Lily’s delight one of the ladies had worked there, explaining how they only employed refined young ladies considered to be of good breeding. Lily listened, fascinated. Comforted by their presence and kindness, she was disappointed when Iris announced their lift had been arranged and it was time for them to go.
Cardigans were pulled back on, spectacles and bags collected and then Iris and Lily saw them to the door as they left with waves and cheery smiles. ‘See you next week,’ they chorused.
Lily turned to Iris looking alarmed. She didn’t want to think about next week and what would happen to the knitting club.
‘Don’t worry about it just now,’ Iris calmed her. ‘You’ll likely still be here next week anyway?’
Lily supposed that was reasonable to assume but even so felt her heart plummet. She really hadn’t expected any of this.
Iris stayed for a while, and only left after checking that Lily didn’t want to come home with her. Everything suddenly felt very quiet. Lily drew in a deep breath, determined not to give into the sudden sadness that enveloped her. At that moment she’d give almost anything to sit and have a conversation with mother, the way she’d just done with those women. Her head felt as if it could explode with a thousand questions she had for her. Suddenly desperate to clear her mind, Lily decided she needed fresh air.
She ran back upstairs and studied her reflection in the mirror. The ladies from the knitting club had all looked so colourful and lively. Lily on the other hand was dismayed at how pale and tired she looked, only a scattering of freckles saving her from looking a total wash-out. Hastily she applied some tinted moisturiser, ran a brush through her hair and headed out.
Chapter 5 (#ulink_fb112f76-a9d4-5230-ab52-e6aaec096eea)
In her memory, for some reason Carroch was always dull and muted, absent of any colour. But strolling along the main street now Lily could see tourists milling about, cyclists and hillwalkers with rucksacks hitched to their backs. Everything looked lively and vibrant and she realised the village of her recollections was very different to how it looked today.
Whitewashed cottages with gardens in full bloom adorned the shoreline and wooden benches were dotted along the banks of the loch. Everywhere she looked, flowers burst from window boxes and planters, clusters of pink petunias and tiny white flowers spilling over the rim of hanging baskets.
She passed a bakery, its window crammed with sugary shortbread, plump fruit scones and warm pastries. The pub looked newly painted, its chalkboard menu boasting fresh seafood and vegetarian options and Lily was also surprised to see an art gallery displaying a range of prints and colourful landscapes by local artists.
Only now did it occur to her the impact of having an empty shop in the village. She hadn’t given it much thought – if anything she had thought it might be difficult to sell a little shop in a remote sleepy village. But putting together Iris’s earlier comment with what she could see now, perhaps that wouldn’t be the case at all. At least knowing the shop would sell easily was one less thing to worry about.
As Lily left the main hub behind and approached the loch, memories of their holidays tumbled into her mind. She swallowed deeply, taken back to another time. A time of dipping toes into freezing water, of scrabbling over rocks and taking turns with the other kids for the single swing and rickety slide in the caravan park. And the most special times – now the most poignant to remember – when Patty used to take Lily down to the loch to watch the sunset. They’d sit huddled together and for those precious few moments Patty seemed at peace with herself and the world.
Lily had been a teenager the last time she’d been here, her head full of plans to go to university. Her future was laid out before her, somehow golden and full of hope. Now, she wasn’t so sure about things, a feeling that something intangible was escaping her.
Lily continued to walk, passing under a canopy of Birch trees where mosses and lichens clung to the trunks and carpeted the roots, making the earth damp beneath her feet. Bluebells and primroses lined a rough path which sloped downwards and then meandered along the shoreline. Now Lily was able to see the loch in all its glory, she let out a small gasp. The nine-mile stretch of sea water, surrounded by mountains and thick woodland, shimmered in the sunlight and looked breathtakingly beautiful.
Recalling a walk she used to make with her mum, she decided to see if she could retrace their steps and headed towards the north end of the loch, following a path through the trees and over a boardwalk bridge where she could see glimpses of the river. Her walks to and from work every day meant she wasn’t totally unfit but even so she had to stop a couple of times to catch her breath. Finally, she was able to stand for a few moments, the reward for her aching calf muscles and burgeoning blister now being able to see the enchanting waterfalls as the river made its way towards the loch.
Finding a secluded bay with a small gravelly beach she sat down to face the loch. She listened to the water gently lapping on the shore and lifted her face to the sun, breathing in deeply.
Iris’s words circled around in her head. Just be. But she didn’t have a clue how to do that. She knew how to keep busy. Although if you did want a place to sit back and forget the world, you wouldn’t find a better place than this, she conceded.
Lily stared out at the water, surrendering herself to its vastness and allowing herself to feel small and insignificant. A view like this made you think, made you reflect. And that’s what she’d been afraid of. The silence. No emails or no phones, no deadlines to meet.
All the usual parameters of her life had been removed and she suddenly felt adrift. Her mind flitted to what she’d normally be doing at this time; every minute of her day was usually planned and she thought longingly of her desk, letting out a sigh. She really wasn’t very good at not having a structure to her day or not knowing what she was going to be doing next week. Her mother’s nonchalant attitude to life and disregard for any sort of routine had left Lily with a need for security and routine, both of which her job had provided.
They had moved around a few times – a spell in Glasgow, a few months in Dundee, a year in Newcastle. Lily always sensed a restlessness from her mother as various jobs and relationships came and went, as if each time they moved she was looking for something.
When Lily left school, Patty had made it clear she wanted her daughter to live her own life and had encouraged her to spread her wings, probably imagining a rucksack and a one-way ticket. But Lily, studious and with an aptitude for maths, knew exactly what she wanted to do. To study accountancy and get a job. To be settled and secure and be able to provide for her and her mother in the future. Her whole life Lily had lived with a vague feeling something would come crashing down and when it did she wanted to be in a position to help her mum, at least financially.
Never interested in academic achievements, Patty had regarded her daughter with bemusement on hearing her plans. ‘Accountancy? Really?’
When Lily had started her course at Edinburgh University, her mother had gone abroad for a while, only returning to move back in with her parents where they lived in the small town of Dunbar in East Lothian. Patty had never had an easy relationship with her parents. Seen through their well-meaning, safe suburban eyes, their only daughter becoming a single mother was disappointing if not scandalous. But calling a truce on their uneasy relationship, Patty had moved in to help look after her father who was now in the wretched grip of dementia.
By this time Lily had started work at Bremners and was loving every minute of it, not least because of the security and sense of belonging it gave her, something she’d never experienced before.
Lily was rudely jolted back to the present by the realisation she was under attack from a swarm of midges. The slight breeze from earlier had disappeared, making her exposed arms a prime target. She furiously batted them away, aware it was time to move.
She stood up quickly, dusting down her jeans and began to retrace her steps, deciding to head in the direction of the jetty to see if she could find the old boating place she remembered.
As she drew closer, Lily was surprised to see it had been totally transformed. What had once been basically a wooden hut with a few small boats for hire was now a fully-fledged activity centre. A large single-storey timber-framed building stood with huge full-lengths windows at the front facing the loch. There was an information board and an enormous map of the loch in a glass display case surrounded by people with bikes or in walking gear planning their day.
A sign by the front door bearing the name Carroch Activity Centre listed the range of activities available including kayaking, canoeing and windsurfing. To one side there were now parking bays and a pretty café with table and chairs outside was bustling with people coming and going.
Lily’s step faltered as she recognised the prowling cat man from last night. Close to the water’s edge, he was working on a small upturned boat, engrossed in his task. Lily watched him, transfixed by the way the muscles on his arms and shoulders flexed as he moved. She narrowed her eyes, again a vague sense of familiarity tugging at her memory. And then in one heart-stopping moment, it came rushing back to her.
***
She was sixteen again, and it was the last summer she’d been here with her mother. Her skin had turned golden under the rays of a rare, long Scottish summer. She’d discovered that a little mascara brought out the blue in her eyes and that she liked the pretty pink sheen from her cherry lip gloss. Now that she was old enough, she would stroll down to the loch on her own. And hopefully she would see him, the good-looking boy who worked at the boats.
Lily had reckoned him to be a couple of years older than her; he exuded a worldly confidence and physical presence she’d found thrilling. Not to mention he was easily the most handsome boy she’d ever seen. Pretending to read a book, she’d sit and watch him from afar, never brave enough to go and speak to him. Not like the other girls who’d hang around him, giggling and flirting. Lily desperately wanted to go and speak to him but her heart would pound and her mouth turn dry long before she went anywhere near him. Instead she retreated to the caravan park and at night, thoughts and images of him would make her stomach swirl in a way she’d never felt before.
She hadn’t thought of him in all that time and she could hardly believe he was still here, still doing the same thing.
The intervening years had certainly done him no harm. His body had filled out from that of a teenager to a fully formed – and extremely muscular – man. With a certain amount of dismay, Lily noted how ridiculously handsome he still was.
He was wearing an old T-shirt, dirt-streaked jeans and his jaw was shadowed by stubble. Clearly he didn’t pay much attention to his appearance although she supposed he pulled it off – if you liked that sort of thing. He turned his head and caught her gaze before she had a chance to look away. Lily’s heart starting thumping for some reason, and she fought her instinct to turn and run away.
He straightened up and, after wiping his hands on an old rag, walked towards her. Based on Iris’s obvious high opinion of him and knowing she might have appeared slightly ungracious at their first meeting, Lily thought she should make an effort to appear friendly.
‘Hello again.’ He smiled tentatively at her and as their eyes met, Lily felt something in her response which surprised her. She was a grown professional woman now, not a gauche teenager with a crush on him.
‘Morning.’
‘You’ve been for a walk?’ he asked.
She nodded her head. ‘To the waterfall and back.’
‘That’s a fair walk,’ he commented before lifting his eyes skywards. ‘Looks like you made it back just in time.
Lily looked up. Sure enough, a massive black cloud loomed over them and she could actually feel a few specks of rain. She shook her head at the fickle climate. ‘Rain and midges,’ she muttered, rubbing at her arms. ‘Pretty much just as I remember.’
‘Kind of goes with the territory.’
His eyes, which really were very green, travelled down Lily’s arms where all her earlier clawing had left unattractive red welts on her skin. ‘That looks quite nasty. Hold on, I’ll get you something.’
‘No, its fine—’ Lily started to object but in a few strides his long legs had already almost covered the distance to the centre where he disappeared through the door. Lily stared after him and fiddled with her hair, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Returning a couple of moments later, he handed her a tube.
‘Here, this should help cool your skin. We always keep a supply.’
‘Thanks.’ Lily rubbed some cream into skin, appreciating its instant soothing effect, and handed it back to him.
A little silence descended over them, and Lily searched for something to say. ‘So er, you look busy,’ she tried.
‘Yeah, I’m just helping out today with the boats although I’m usually more behind the scenes these days.’
‘The place certainly looks different from how I remember,’ she commented.
His eyes roamed her face and she wondered if he remembered her, which was silly. Of course he wouldn’t. ‘When were you last here?’ he asked.
Lily lifted her eyes, calculating. ‘Over ten years ago. Before that though my mum used to drag me here every year until I was eighteen..’
His mouth quirked. ‘Not your favourite holiday destination then?’
‘It was okay when I was younger, I suppose. But by the time I started university I’d only ever been to Carroch on holiday so I couldn’t wait to stretch my horizons, see different places.’
‘So where’d you go?’
She shrugged. ‘Inter-railing around Europe, spent a few weeks in Asia when I was a student …’ Her voice trailed away, distracted by the intense way he was looking at her.
‘Sounds good,’ he said. ‘It depends what you’re looking for I guess.’
‘Suppose it does.’ It dawned on Lily now that she’d never found that one place in her heart that had made her want to return to, the way her mother had done here.
‘And you’ve not been back since?’ he asked, sounding surprised.
She shook her head. ‘Not until now, no.’
‘You’ll see a big change then.’ He threw a glance over his shoulder and then brought his gaze back on her again. ‘I hope I didn’t startle you too much last night?’
‘No. Well, perhaps just a little,’ she admitted.
He looked at her evenly. ‘So how are you getting on with Misty?’
‘Um, okay, I guess.’
‘You’re coping with her?’ he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.
‘I’m managing,’ she assured him although she shuddered inwardly remembering the contents of the litter tray this morning. ‘Um, does it ever go out?’ she asked hopefully.
‘Not much. Occasionally she’ll make an appearance at my place but she seems happy to stay indoors.’
Lily nodded silently. He was clearly fond of the cat, knew her habits – perhaps it could live with him. ‘I don’t suppose you’d like to take it?’
‘Misty, you mean?’ He looked a little incredulous.
‘Yes, Misty.’
‘I’ve been happy to help out but I’m not sure I’d want to take her.’
Lily sighed. ‘It’s just all a bit of an inconvenience, that’s all.’
‘An inconvenience?’
She cringed inwardly at how that sounded. ‘I—’
‘Perhaps if you’d come earlier it wouldn’t be an issue,’ he interrupted dryly.
Lily frowned. ‘I just meant my flat in Edinburgh isn’t really suitable for a cat. But I’m sure I’ll find somewhere for her before I leave.’
‘You’re not hanging around then?’
‘Here?’ She didn’t mean to sound quite so horrified by the idea. ‘I’ve got work to get back to.’ At least she would have, once she’d got a few interviews lined up. ‘So I’ll be selling the shop as soon as possible.’
His mouth tugged down at the corners. ‘Good for you. I’m sure you’ll get a good price for it.’
‘What? It’s not about the money—’
‘If you say so.’ He shrugged.
‘I do say so,’ she said, exasperated. God, he was infuriating.
He turned his head on hearing someone call him and waved to acknowledge them. ‘Looks like I’ve got to go. See you.’
Lily stood agog as he sauntered off, smiling briefly at two women as he passed them, much to their obvious pleasure.
Oh please. Lily rolled her eyes. He might not have moved on with his life but she certainly had. She shook her head, wondering how in the two times she’d met Jack Armstrong, both times he’d succeeding in getting under her skin quite so much.
She turned to leave, furiously scratching at her arm again, not understanding why she was so upset. She couldn’t believe he thought she was just here for the money. She didn’t need to explain or defend herself to him and why should she care what he thought? What did he know, anyway? Tinkering about with boats all day.
She reached the main street, her eyes scanning the shops. Up ahead she could see the sign for a general store and made a beeline for it.
The smart interior was a far cry from the sad-looking shop she vaguely remembered. The shelves were well-stocked and attractively presented and Lily stalked up and down the aisles half-listening to the conversation taking place at the till which seemed to revolve around the weather. She was surprised to see the shelves laden with fresh produce and grabbed a few things to keep her going over the next few days – milk, soup, free-range eggs, organic bread and tomatoes. Finally she added some more midge repellent and spotting some cat biscuits on offer, popped them in too.
She felt a stab of annoyance as she approached the counter, the interminable conversation about the weather still ongoing. A knot of anxiety twisted in her stomach and she tried to ignore the feeling of having to be somewhere or do something. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to relax. She wasn’t in a hurry, was she?
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