Something Like Happy
Sasha Greene
Something Like Happy
SASHA GREENE
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HarperImpulse
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First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
Copyright © Sasha Greene 2019
Cover illustration © Shutterstock.com (http://Shutterstock.com)
Cover design by Ellie Game © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
Sasha Greene asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780008325015
Ebook Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008325008
Version: 2019-04-23
Table of Contents
Cover (#u5703c39e-c0c5-517e-bcf2-e05856103dd3)
Title Page (#u9ac59779-1350-5379-9cdb-b1dabadc4696)
Copyright (#u9709ec61-55ee-5048-a515-44c8e3d3de08)
Dedication (#u083c1a39-75d9-53cf-b817-fdcf806dafdf)
Chapter 1 (#u94cce2b9-be97-5e4e-a9ab-85a459dc7b15)
Chapter 2 (#u8561e954-5980-5f6f-9b43-b28ec8c100a5)
Chapter 3 (#u6bd2486c-4c55-52d8-a796-34a22e5b612c)
Chapter 4 (#u195e7c14-6ed3-56a5-9086-19ce8c04fde2)
Chapter 5 (#uf66d3abe-6845-5b5c-8b95-2f60fddc2d51)
Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 10 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 11 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 12 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 15 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 16 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 17 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 18 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 19 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 20 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 21 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 22 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 23 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 24 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 25 (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 26 (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue: Three Weeks Later (#litres_trial_promo)
Author Note (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
About HarperImpulse (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
To anyone who has thought they would never get through the day, but somehow managed.
You are amazing.
And in memory of all those who couldn’t.
Chapter 1 (#ulink_3acd528c-5483-51e2-aa0a-b8adc8cafb67)
Nick leaned over the grey stone parapet, considering the distance to the road below. It should be enough to kill him. His heart pounded at the thought, but it was the easiest way he could think of. One simple jump, and he’d be gone. And even if he didn’t succeed, at the very least he’d be in hospital, which would mean a blessed release from his daily grind and the ache of loneliness that wore him down.
He focused his gaze on the skyline and gripped the rough surface with his shaking hands. Easy peasy. All he had to do was close his eyes and jump. He went through the motions in his imagination. Early tomorrow would do it. Sunday morning was always deserted. He needed just a little more time to gather his courage.
It had to be tomorrow. There was no other choice. No way he could go back into that office on Monday morning.
When Jade saw the figure on the bridge, standing tall in his bright blue jacket, she thought at first he was looking at the scenery. But as she came closer, she saw his eyes were closed. White knuckles gripped on tightly to the edge, and she suddenly knew exactly what was going on.
You have to talk to him.
This wasn’t how she had imagined her sunny Saturday panning out. A casual stroll through town, up the hill, look at the view. Definitely not getting involved in the life of someone who was obviously planning to jump.
Really? When you know exactly what this bridge means to you? Do you want to make the same mistake twice? You could do something right for once.
She clenched her fists, fully intending to walk on by, but found her mouth opening. ‘I wouldn’t lean so far over if I were you.’
A female voice broke into Nick’s thoughts. That was definitely a local accent from the sound of it. He felt a surge of irritation hit him and didn’t bother turning to look at who was behind him. Jeez, what was wrong with this place? His life was filled with people telling him what to do, and now he couldn’t even plan his suicide in peace without someone interfering.
‘Go away.’ He folded his arms, standing stiffly, ready to wait until she disappeared.
‘It’ll hurt if you splat on the road.’
Her matter of fact tone and choice of words surprised him, and he swivelled to look at the speaker. A short, waif-like girl stood in front of him. She looked no more than eighteen. Her pale skin clashed horribly with her long dyed jet-black hair, which was gathered up in the worst-kept hairstyle ever. Wait, was that strips of sparkly green in among the black? Her bright red coat combined with her goth-style hair was like nothing he had seen before in his life.
‘Go away.’ He turned away. ‘Leave me in peace.’
‘You don’t look like you want to be left in peace. You look sad. Sad people normally want cheering up.’ It was childlike, how direct she was. And somehow kind of refreshing.
Nick turned again and frowned at her. ‘Don’t kids of your age have better things to do than harass strangers?’
‘Kids?’ She folded her arms, squinting at him against the sun. ‘I’m twenty-fucking-three, for God’s sake.’
The same age as himself. Now that he looked closer at her, he could actually see fine lines at the corner of her eyes. He was willing to give her the twenty-three, although she still looked young for her age.
Nick couldn’t help himself. ‘Do you always swear so much?’
She shrugged. ‘Sometimes.’
This just wasn’t how Nick had imagined his day panning out. Here he was, stuck on a bridge, arguing with someone about swear words. It all seemed kind of surreal.
‘Anyway,’ the girl said, looking as if all this discussion bored her, ‘I came to give you my happy list. You look like you need it.’ The cold spring wind whipped her hair around her face, and she reached for a handful, tucking it behind her ear.
‘Your what?’ Nick frowned again. He wasn’t quite following. His brain, so focused on what he had been thinking about before she interrupted him, was struggling to catch up.
‘A happy list. I wrote it. It’s things to do when I feel sad. To cheer me up.’ She spoke slowly, as if she was speaking to someone in a foreign language.
‘Like a bucket list?’ Nick was intrigued.
She blew out her cheeks, obviously considering the idea. ‘Kind of, I guess. But a bucket list is things to do before you die. These are things you can do all the time.’
‘Anyway.’ She made a dismissive gesture with one hand. ‘If you want to come with me to the top of the hill, I’ll show you the first thing on the list.’
She turned and walked away towards the gravel path that wound up through the scattered tombstones of the Necropolis, leaving him staring after her. His head swivelled back to the drop below. It was a choice between his own dark thoughts and the idea of talking to someone who claimed to have the answer to happiness. It took only a moment before he hurried after her.
Jade crossed her fingers tightly in her pockets as she walked away. Had she said enough to hook him? Or had she been too harsh? A surreptitious glance behind her showed that he was following her, and she breathed a quick sigh of relief. At least she had got him away from the edge. Now all she had to do was work out how to convince him that life was better than the alternative. Yeah. All she had to do was that. Just exactly what had she got herself into here? And how the hell was she going to do it?
Nick caught up with the red coat when she was already half-way up the slope, breathing hard as he came alongside her. He hadn’t realised how much he had let himself go over the last six months. He looked at her, expecting another pithy comment, but she just smiled politely at him and continued walking.
He found himself considering a heavily decorated gravestone to his right. The Necropolis. A strange idea really. Rich people, paying vast sums of money to make sure they were remembered when they died. It all looked very impressive, he thought. But did anyone really remember who these people were?
They walked in silence all the way up the winding path, until they came to the top and the girl sat down on the steps of a large stone tomb. Seating himself beside her on the chilly stone, Nick realised that from here they could see pretty much all of Glasgow. In fact, he had never really seen it quite like this. An impressive mix of architecture spread out below him, framed by the curves of the hills beyond. Sunshine glinted off the tiny wind turbines in the distance.
‘I’m Nick, by the way.’ He offered a hand.
She took it gingerly. ‘Jade.’ Her hand was cool, but firm.
Nick looked out at the view again. ‘So, what’s this list you’re talking about?’ He couldn’t help asking. Any chance at happiness was worth a shot.
‘Well, this is number one.’ She gestured with her hands. ‘Go and look at a stunning view.’
She spoke the last words as if she was reciting something she had committed to memory.
‘Is that it?’ Nick was surprised. ‘I’d expected something, well, more dramatic.’
‘And you call this not dramatic?’ She pointed at the view.
He had to admit that she was right. White fluffy clouds raced along the mountain tops. Below them the busy sounds of the city echoed up, blown to them on the wind. The seagulls whirled, shrieking as they dived among the tops of the mass of buildings below them. The variation in architecture was pretty amazing. Brutal sixties monstrosities combined with elegant Victorian buildings and to their right the squat spires of the cathedral reminded him of the ancient history of the city.
‘I take it you’re not local then?’ It was more of a statement than a question from Jade.
‘No.’ Nick wondered how she had guessed, but then realised that his accent would mark him out, just as clearly as hers had showed she was Glasgow-raised. ‘I’m from Fort William.’
Jade looked at him for a long while, as if considering something. The grey smudges under her eyes stood out in her pale face. ‘Tell you what. Meet me next Saturday and I’ll tell you the second thing on the list.’
‘I thought you were just going to give me the list.’ Nick didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with what she was suggesting. He didn’t know her. This could just be some trick. To get him to –
To get you to what, exactly? His brain gave him a mental slap. Five minutes ago you were thinking about killing yourself. What have you got to lose? He found his hands were trembling again and he tucked them under his arms, hoping she hadn’t noticed.
He pushed away the part of him whispering that he shouldn’t get involved. Making connections when he wasn’t going to be around much longer would just be an added complication. But then, if he met this girl next weekend, that meant another week in his job. Living with the snide comments and the subtle bullying. Could he really do that? Was he really strong enough?
‘OK,’ he found himself saying.
Jade looked him directly in the eyes, a worried frown on her face. ‘You promise?’
The sunlight turned her brown eyes into gold-flecked pools that seemed to hypnotise his brain. ‘I promise.’
Jade got up, brushing off her hands. ‘Great. Ten a.m. Clydebank station. Don’t be late.’ She started to walk off down the hill.
‘Wait,’ he called after her. ‘You should give me your number.’
She waved a thin hand dismissively, not even bothering to turn. ‘No need. I know you’ll be there. A promise is a promise.’
As soon as she knew she was out of sight Jade sank down behind a nearby grave stone, making sure she was hidden from his view. Her legs were suddenly wobbly.
Talking to Nick had brought back images that she just didn’t want to see again, and they played out in her head like some kind of disjointed horror film. She balled up her fists into her eyes, but tears squeezed slowly out the sides and ran down her arms, chilling her skin as the wind dried them away.
See. This is why I didn’t want to get involved.
She needed to, though. For herself and her own sanity. She couldn’t go back and change the past, but if she could change the future, help someone else in the same situation, then maybe she could start to trust herself again. Maybe she could learn to sleep at night.
After a long while she lifted her head, staring out across the vast expanse in front of her. She took a deep breath, and then another one. She could be strong. She would be strong. She had Mum. And Dad. And Lily. And, just maybe, with Nick, she had the chance to redeem herself. To try and make things right.
Fumbling for a tissue in her handbag, she rose stiffly and began the slow walk back down the hill and towards home.
The sun was low in the sky by the time she put her keys in the front door. She opened the door to a warmth and a smell of food that made her stomach rumble. Her mother, she found in the kitchen as usual, her head bent over a pan. When she saw Jade she wrapped her in her arms and, ignoring her protests, smoothed back her hair.
‘Where have you been all this time?’ The question was not demanding, just curious.
‘Just around the city.’ Jade didn’t really want to share what had happened with Nick. ‘I went out up to the Necropolis and then I walked home.’
‘What, all the way from town?’ Her mother stirred the sauce, anxious not to let it burn.
Jade shrugged. ‘It’s not far, just a few miles.’ She noticed the size of the pot. ‘What, are we having a party around for dinner again?’
Her mother laughed, pushing back her own short black hair as she did so. ‘No. Just meals to put in the freezer. I thought I would make some for you to take to work.’
Jade sighed, torn between love for her mother and an ongoing irritation at how she never listened. ‘Mum. You know we get food at work.’
Her mother tutted, stirring the pot again. ‘Yes. Chips and burgers and all that rubbish. No wonder you are so pale these days. I’m making you some proper food with vitamins in it.’
Jade was going to complain again but gave up and hugged her instead. ‘You’re the best, Mum, you know that.’ Her mother blushed, unused to such compliments from her daughter.
Jade sat down at the table, ready to sink into the warmth of the kitchen. But she couldn’t get the image of the man on the bridge out of her mind.
‘What’s wrong?’ The question intruded into her thoughts, and she looked up, surprised.
‘What do you mean?’
Her mother pointed at the table. ‘Usually I put crisps out, they’re gone in five minutes.’
Jade looked, and yes, there was a blue bowl on the table. She took a handful, savouring the sharp tang of the vinegar. ‘My favourite. Thanks Mum.’
She told her mother about Nick.
‘Oh, Jade.’ The older woman closed her eyes. ‘Not the same place. What made you want to go up there?’
Jade reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly. ‘I’m fine, Mum, really I am. It’s just my way of dealing with it.’
Her mum squeezed back briefly before returning to the stove. ‘Well Jade, you know best,’ she said, determination in her tone. ‘You know I just want you to be happy, that’s all.’
There were a few minutes silence, then she turned towards Jade again. ‘Go and call your dad in for dinner.’
Jade went next door into the living room. The TV was on, but her dad had fallen asleep on the big black sofa as usual. She hated to disturb him when he was like this. He’d be out at work all night and he needed all the sleep he could get.
She put a hand gently on his shoulder, and he stirred, smiling up at her. ‘There’s my girl. Must be time for dinner, eh?’
There was very little conversation during dinner, as they sat round the little table in the kitchen. Jade preferred it like this now that there were just three of them. The warmth of the kitchen enclosed them as if the house was hugging them, and while they were here Jade could block out thoughts of what real life was like and just pretend that things would go on like this for ever.
Eventually Jade’s dad rose, wiping his mouth. ‘Best be off,’ he said. ‘Taxi fares don’t grow on trees.’ He wrapped his arms around his wife and kissed her soundly. ‘Thanks for the dinner, sweetheart.’ She squeezed his bum playfully, while Jade said ‘Eew, get a room!’ and they all laughed together. It was a ritual that had been played out ever since she could remember, and she couldn’t imagine a family dinner without it. She held the image in her mind, savouring the warmth it generated in her thoughts.
Jade helped wash up and then went to her room. She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She suddenly wished she had taken Nick’s number. She felt an overwhelming urge just to contact him. She was so curious to find out his story. Who he was, where he came from, the whole works. But no, she would just have to wait until next Saturday. Patience is a virtue, she reminded herself with a little smile. That’s what Grandma would have said.
She looked over to where the photos sat on the small white bookcase. Growing up she had always wondered why people had pictures of dead people lying around, but now she knew. Her grandma smiled out from her frame, looking encouraging, as she always had. She must have been a strong woman, thought Jade. Having a Chinese woman as a daughter in law, at a time when the communities barely talked to each other, must have been tough. But then, anyone seeing Jade’s parents together couldn’t doubt that they were deeply in love; even now, after almost thirty years of marriage. She lay back on her pillows, thinking about all these good things, and let the feelings of warmth and caring wrap around her like a blanket.
Nick lay on his bed, fiddling with his watch. The whole thing today had just seemed surreal. That girl – Jade – appearing out of nowhere, just at the time when he was at his lowest point. He knew his mother would say God had sent her, if he talked to her about it. He wasn’t so sure about God as his mother was, although he did sometimes wish it was all that easy. It would be so nice to be certain that all of his life was this way for a reason. But that was one of the problems. He couldn’t speak to his parents about this. Didn’t want them to worry about him.
Plus, if he was really honest, he was a bit frustrated with them too. He tried to go back home as often as he could, but his parents hadn’t been to visit him since the day they’d helped him move here. Sure, they were busy, but couldn’t they at least take a couple of days off every now and again? He had even offered to take some days off during the week, but his mother would mutter about mounting costs and bills, and his father would just be vague as usual. It almost seemed like they didn’t really care about him now that he was far away.
And Jamie too. His best friend was always happy to see him when he went home but hadn’t bothered to come down and visit either. So, the last time Nick had been home was Christmas, and it was hard to keep making an effort when the feelings just weren’t returned.
He ran his hands through his hair. It wasn’t even a year ago that he had come to Glasgow. So full of hope that the big city would offer a good time and some new friends. Fort William was a great place for the outdoors, but the night life wasn’t exactly buzzing, and he had been looking forward to doing a whole host of new things. So where had it all gone so wrong? What had happened in a year to bring him so low? It wasn’t anything specific really. More a series of small individual events that had finally driven home to him just how lonely he was. But actually, he could maybe pinpoint a couple of things that had been really pivotal. The walking group was one of them …
Nick stared at his computer screen. He was going crazy. Six months in Glasgow and he still hadn’t made any friends. None of his colleagues were even vaguely into the same things as he was. And that football club had just been full of students.
Scrolling through a web page, he finally found what he wanted. A walking group. It would be great to get out into the mountains again and this one looked very popular. It would be a good chance to meet some people who also liked walking. They had a walk planned this Saturday, so he signed up immediately, full of excitement.
Friday night he checked the weather. Beautiful sunshine. It couldn’t be better. The next morning bright and early he strapped on his walking boots, took his rucksack from behind the door where he had packed it the night before and set off to the station. He had brought his map just in case, although it looked like the organisers were very experienced. That was great. It meant that he could just relax and get to know the people in the group as they walked along. He rubbed his palms together, feeling a small twist of excitement at the thought of getting out into the countryside again.
When he got off the train at Helensburgh it was obvious who he should meet. A group of eight or nine people in outdoor clothes were standing around in the car park, and they were joined by some more people who had been on the train. Most of them looked like they were retired, but there were a couple of people who looked closer to his own age. He summoned his courage and went up to them. He had to start somewhere.
‘Hi. My name’s Nick.’ He held out his hand to one of the younger men, who was dressed in black walking gear.
‘Tony,’ the man said, grasping Nick’s hand firmly. ‘And this is Bill.’ He indicated the other younger man, who was sporting a very impressive beard above his warm red jacket. ‘We’re the leaders of the group.’
The other members introduced themselves. They all seemed very friendly and Nick felt his spirits lift. By the time they left the station there must have been at least twenty people with them. They walked up the road and out of the town. The sunshine seemed to be making everyone happy.
Nick found himself chatting to one of the older men, who said that he had joined the group when he retired. Apparently, Tony and Bill had only recently taken over the group after the previous leader had left. ‘We’re very lucky to have them,’ the man said. ‘They’re both qualified as mountain leaders.’
Nick felt a surge of happiness. He was back doing something he really enjoyed. They stopped for lunch on the top of a hill, sitting on a rocky outcrop of stone, and everybody exclaimed at the view all the way across the river. Some of the less fit people were congratulating themselves about managing the climb.
Nick took out his sandwich. The view was truly spectacular, and he could hear the singing of a skylark. He let out a deep breath, and then breathed in the freshness of the air. He was back where he belonged and days like this were just what he needed.
Glancing over to the west, he could see a front of cloud which looked pretty nasty. He gestured to Tony and Bill, who were sat not far away. ‘What do you think about that?’ He pointed at the cloud.
Bill looked over at it and shrugged. ‘Not an issue. The forecast says we’ll be long gone by the time that arrives.’
Nick wasn’t sure. He had learned from painful experience that you couldn’t take things like that for granted. As the group finished their lunch and started slowly down the far side of the hill, he kept glancing over his shoulder, still worried about the weather. About half the people didn’t have waterproof trousers. And a couple of them didn’t even have waterproof jackets. If that cloud rained down on them, they would be soaked to the skin in seconds.
And sure enough, an hour later the cloud was upon them, and a few minutes after that it started to rain miserably. The cloud was so thick they could barely see ten metres in front of them. Nick felt for his compass in his pocket, just to reassure himself. If they got into trouble in the mist then they might just need it. And his fancy GPS watch that his parents had given him last Christmas. He had been ecstatic when he had unwrapped it and grateful to his parents – those things were so expensive, and they really couldn’t afford it.
Bill and Tony gathered the group around them. ‘OK guys, we have to stick together. Keep sight of the person in front of you and check you can still see the person behind. The path is really clear, so we shouldn’t have any problems.’ They produced ponchos from their bags for the two without coats, which impressed Nick. Clearly these two made sure they planned ahead.
They trudged on, conversation less forthcoming now as they squelched through the mud. Nick had his head down, water dripping off the hood of his coat, and didn’t see the fork until he was almost on it. The people ahead of him had taken the right fork, which was the logical direction to turn back towards Helensburgh, but something just niggled at him. He lifted his map case and wiped the drops off it, so he could study it carefully. Yes, that was it. The bridge …
He hadn’t realised that he had stopped walking until he heard a small noise of surprise from the person walking behind him. Ahead the group members that he could see had stopped, obviously wondering what had happened. They came trickling slowly back in twos and threes, looking worried.
Bill came striding over. ‘What’s up?’
Nick pointed at the map. ‘I think we should take the left fork. It leads down to a bridge and we can take this as a short cut.’ He indicated a lane on the map. ‘The other way will take us at least two hours more than that.’
Bill snorted. ‘That would be true if we were there. But we’re not.’ He pointed at a fork much further back on the map. ‘We’re here. So we take the right fork here, and the left fork later on.’
Nick felt the colour coming into his face. Of course. He had misread the map. What a stupid thing to do. But … he studied the map again. He could have sworn that they passed that hill just before the clouds came down. His instincts were screaming at him and he just knew he was right. If it was just him, in his nice warm waterproof mountain gear, he wouldn’t have minded. But a couple of the group were starting to shiver, especially since they had stopped, and he felt like he had a responsibility to them.
‘Come on, Tony,’ he said. ‘Back me up on this one. We passed that turn ages ago.’
Tony shook his head, not even bothering to look at the map. ‘No, Bill’s spot on. Right fork is the way to go.’
Nick felt his face flame red. What should he do now? He was so convinced he was right, but what if he wasn’t? Was it worthwhile standing up for, just to get back a couple of hours earlier?
He looked at the group clustered around them. An extra two hours for some of them would make a big difference in this rain.
He grabbed Bill by the arm and steered him away from the watchful eyes. ‘Look, you know we passed that fork not long after lunch,’ he said, careful to keep his voice lowered so no one else could hear him. He had spoken without thinking, and the last thing he had intended was for this to become a public battle of wills.
Bill looked him up and down scornfully. ‘Tell you what, we’ll split up the group. You take half of them your way, and we’ll go the right way. We’ll meet at the café by the station and see who gets there first. Losers pay the bill.’
Nick felt like he had no other choice but to accept. Now all he had to do was make sure that all the less able people in the group somehow came with him. What had meant to be a fun day out had suddenly turned into a stressful situation, but that was OK. Growing up in the mountains had got him used to dealing with what the weather threw at you. If only dealing with people was so easy.
The group split fairly amicably into two. Nick was happy to see that the two without proper coats were coming with him. Or had Bill and Tony engineered that specially? He didn’t want to think about that possibility. Best just to believe the best of people. It was always his approach to life.
During the walk back the clouds cleared, but a stiff wind started up, and Nick was glad when they got to the café and he could have a hot cup of tea. There was no sign of the others though. Not that he should have been surprised. He couldn’t feel elation at the fact he was right. Not when half the group was still out on the mountainside somewhere.
It was almost an hour and a half later when the other half of the group trudged in, looking weary and very muddy. However, some seemed excited by the experience, talking about massive bogs they had been forced to cross and fences that had to be climbed. Bill and Tony just sat in a corner with their coffees, not looking at Nick. He decided he would leave and let them get on with it. It was their group after all. But not before a couple of people gave him hugs and thanks and said they would post their pictures on the group site.
That night he considered the experience. Not great, he thought, but not a disaster. He found himself suddenly looking forward to the next walk. It was a bit of an eclectic group, but they were all very nice. Even Bill and Tony had just made an honest mistake. He reached for his phone. He would just see if anyone had posted any pictures yet.
But for some reason, he couldn’t get into the group. He could see it, but he no longer seemed to be a member. He sank back on the couch in bewilderment. It must be Bill and Tony.
A message to the website support returned the information two days later that he had been blocked from the group for ‘inappropriate behaviour’. The email that he received gave the impression that he had been lucky not to have been blocked from the entire site, so heinous was the nature of his supposed crimes. When he saw the email, he felt a surge of anger and his hands clenched. He started putting together an angry reply to the site moderator. But then the anger died away, and he felt a wave of sadness wash over him. If they didn’t want him, then he would just move on. Find something else to do with his time.
He did have a look for other walking groups online, but there didn’t seem to be anything else that was really what he was looking for. His experience with the first one had made him cautious of anything that seemed even vaguely competitive. And as the winter blew in then it didn’t really seem to be something that anyone wanted to do anyway.
* * *
The thought of meeting Jade sustained Nick through work all week. When Saturday came he was so desperate not to be late that he took an earlier train and got there twenty-five minutes ahead of time. A bitter wind forced him into a cafe not far from the station, where he kept repeatedly checking his watch, paranoid that he would miss her.
He needn’t have worried. At precisely one minute to ten she strolled up, dressed in her usual red coat. There was still no hat, but her hair was tamed into a beautiful long plait that ran half-way down her back. The sparkly green flashed in and out of the braid at surprising intervals.
‘Wow, you look half-presentable,’ he joked, suddenly feeling nervous. ‘Are we going somewhere special?’
Jade gestured in the direction that she wanted them to go and linked her arm through his as they walked, a move that surprised him. She had seemed so remote the day when they first met. Almost alien.
‘Lily likes to see my hair like this.’ She looked up at him with a smile, touching it with her other hand.
It was the first time he had seen her properly smile, he realised, and he was completely blown away. He knew it was a cliché, but it really did transform her face. She did look better than when they first met, he thought, sneaking a glance at her when she wasn’t looking. The dark smudges under her eyes were less prominent, and there was a bit of a glow in her cheeks. Although she could just be wearing makeup. Was that a hint of gloss on her lips?
‘So who’s Lily?’ he asked, suddenly remembering what Jade had said.
Jade smiled again. ‘You’ll meet her. Today. We’re going to see them all.’
‘Them?’ Nick couldn’t help feeling a bit lost. Or was he just distracted by the woman walking along beside him?
She just laughed, squeezed his arm and increased her pace, dragging him across a junction and down a side street. She stopped in front of a large two-storey brick-built building.
‘Sunnyside Retirement Home,’ Nick read off the sign.
‘I started coming here a couple of years ago. It started just as a way to give a bit back to the community. And then I met Lily.’
‘She must be someone pretty special.’ Nick could see the faint smile that played over her mouth and made his deductions from that. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting her.’
‘Oh, you will.’ Jade took his elbow and steered him through the double doors. ‘But I also want you to meet Archie.’
‘I think I’m just going to go with it and not ask any more questions.’ Nick couldn’t help a smile starting on his own face.
A friendly woman dressed in pink hospital scrubs greeted them from behind the reception desk. Nick noticed that she was wearing fluffy pink earrings to match. Despite her clothes the entrance hall looked nothing like a hospital. Two big blue comfy chairs stood ready for anyone who was waiting, and there were modern-looking photos of Glasgow landmarks around the walls. It smelled clean and fresh, and there was no hint of disinfectant.
‘Hi Sandra, this is Nick,’ Jade said. ‘I’ve brought him along to help out today.’
The woman looked him up and down in an appraising manner, but not unkindly. ‘Hope you have big muscles,’ she said. ‘Clive’s just called to say he’s got the flu, so we’ll be needing someone to push Archie.’
Nick was really starting to wonder what kind of crazy scheme he had got himself in for. ‘Just what is it we’re supposed to be doing today?’
‘Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you.’ Jade was unrepentant. ‘We’re taking a group of these people to the Riverside Museum.’
‘And just how are we going to do that?’ Nick had a crazy vision of trying to get a big group of wheelchairs onto the train while other passengers cursed the delays they were making.
Jade laughed, her eyes lighting up. ‘Just relax and go with the flow. Loosen up. It’s all been planned.’
They turned down the corridor into what was obviously some type of lounge. About fifteen people sat around on dark grey sofas and comfy chairs. But, just like the entrance hall, this was no depressing beigey communal living space. Bright pictures decorated the walls, and hand-made cushions were scattered on the sofas. Lovely arrangements of fresh flowers were dotted around, giving off beautiful scents.
‘That’s Sandra’s work,’ Jade said, seeing him looking. ‘She was a florist before she came here.’
Jade seemed to know everyone, and she introduced him, although Nick quickly lost track of all the names. Two of them she kept for last, though, and Nick knew this must be Lily and Archie.
Archie was sitting in a wheelchair beside Lily, hunched over slightly. He had a massive hooked nose and chin under a large mop of messy white hair, and his face looked like someone who had spent a lot of time outside in his life. He reminded Nick of his grandfather actually. What he could remember of him.
‘This is Archie,’ Jade made a gesture with her hand, ‘and this is Lily.’ She smiled at the older woman and gave her a warm hug in greeting. ‘They’re not married, although you could be forgiven for thinking that.’
‘Never have been, and never will be.’ Archie’s tone was gruff, but looking closer Nick could see his eyes were twinkling.
Nick was surprised to see that Archie was smartly dressed in shirt and tie with a bright red jumper.
Archie must have seen his expression, because the old man reached out and put a hand on Jade’s arm. ‘Your young man there seems to be surprised that we’re all spruced up for today. What did you expect? A group of lolling, drooling imbeciles?’ He waved an arm in the air and made a face that was clearly meant to be an imitation of his words.
‘Oh hush, Archie.’ Lily spoke for the first time. ‘Stop with your antics and be kind to the young man. Otherwise they’ll leave you here without anyone to push you around. And you know how much you’re looking forward to that new tram they’ve bought recently.’
Nick was just about to say something when a group of other people entered the lounge. Most appeared to be retirement age themselves, and although there were a couple of other people who looked like they were a bit closer to his age, he and Jade were clearly the youngest by far in the room. All the newcomers sat themselves wherever there were free spaces, and a chatter started up in the room as people greeted each other and started catching up.
‘What are we waiting for?’ Nick wanted to know.
‘Keith,’ Jade said. ‘He drives the minibus.’
‘Ah,’ Nick said. He perched himself on the edge of a seat, suddenly unsure of himself and feeling very self-conscious.
Lily patted him on the arm. ‘So, young man, what do you do with your time?’
He turned towards her, looking at her properly for the first time. Her white hair was elegantly swept up in a carefully sculpted style, and the wrinkles on her face only made her look more beautiful, not less so. He suddenly wondered what she had looked like when she was younger.
‘I work as a programmer. For a consultancy. We mainly work for banks.’ He realised he didn’t sound very forthcoming and hurried to add some more. ‘You know, internet security and that sort of thing.’
‘Ah.’ Lily seemed to absorb this information for a minute. ‘Sounds like a very important job.’
Of all the things Nick had heard his job called, important wasn’t one of them. He was just a graduate, on the bottom rung of the ladder. ‘Sorry? How do you mean?’ He couldn’t help the question slipping out.
Lily nodded slowly. ‘Well, if you’re in security, you’re keeping people’s money safe, isn’t that right?’
Nick paused to think about this, rubbing his chin while he did so. ‘I guess so. I’d never thought about it like that. But I only started less than a year ago. I’m just a minion for my boss.’
Archie cracked a laugh, startling Nick. ‘The minions always do the most important work, lad. Forget the bosses who swan around drinking coffee all day.’
Which was pretty much what his boss did most of the time, Nick reflected. He was saved from having to reply by the arrival of Keith, and shortly after that found himself pushing Archie out of the building and up a steep metal ramp into the slightly faded minibus. Jade and Lily followed slowly, with Lily leaning on Jade’s arm. The minibus was full by the time they set off. As they eased away from the kerb someone struck up a version of ‘Pack up your troubles’, and soon half of the bus was singing, with varying levels of tunefulness. Nick couldn’t help grinning. Whatever he had thought he would be doing this morning, this hadn’t been it.
Jade, sitting across the aisle from him, leaned over and nudged his arm. ‘Not going to join in?’ She was smiling again, he noticed, and he wished that she would do it all the time.
Nick shrugged. ‘I don’t know all the words.’
Jade gave a shrug to match his own and laughed. ‘I don’t think that really matters for most of the choir.’
A small thread of warmth crept through him. Nick smiled back at her, took a deep breath and opened his mouth to sing.
Chapter 2 (#ulink_559328a5-42d2-55f9-b7fb-6ac1a73fec11)
It wasn’t far to the museum, for which Nick was grateful. He couldn’t claim to be a great singer, but he was musical enough that by the time they had done ten verses of ‘Tipperary’ and been through ‘Imagine’ at least three times it was starting to wear him down just a little. They got out right in front of the building. The wind had dropped, and the spring sunshine was making the river sparkle. It was pretty warm for the time of year.
Nick had seen the museum from the train a few times, but only from a distance. Up close it was much more impressive. The silver metal exterior gleamed in the sunlight, and the massive glass frontage seemed to be drawing people in towards the entrance doors in the middle.
Jade saw where he was looking. ‘Award-winning, apparently.’ Her tone made it clear that she was in no way impressed by the grand design.
She looked at her watch. ‘Normally everyone goes off and sees what they want to see, and then we get back together for lunch. Everybody? Midday at the café?’
There was a chorus of assent, and everyone started to filter off. Nick looked expectantly at Jade, but she shook her head. ‘You’re here for Archie. You need to ask him what he wants to see.’ She looked at them both. ‘Normally we wouldn’t let the two of you go off on your own, but …’
Archie sat himself up straight in the wheelchair. ‘This is where you try to tell me I’m classed as a vulnerable adult, eh?’
Jade’s face turned pink, and Nick nearly laughed out loud.
‘You know that officially the law might say yes, Archie, but practically I don’t believe it for a second.’ Jade wagged a finger at him. ‘So go on, both of you. Get out of my sight before I end up keeping an eye on you both for other reasons.’
Nick took the back of the old man’s wheelchair and went to push him inside, but the old man shook his head. ‘Take me round for a turn outside the building, lad. I need a bit of fresh air in my lungs.’
Nick gratefully steered him round the side of the building and down towards the river. He too thought that it was a pity to be inside on such a glorious day. Archie stood unsteadily, pulling himself up using the railing, and they both stood in silence for a while, watching the sunlight playing on the water.
‘I used to be outside all the time, you know,’ Arche said suddenly. ‘A mountain guide, I was. There isn’t a Munroe in the Highlands that I haven’t climbed.’
Nick couldn’t work out whether to be impressed for Archie’s achievements, or sad at the condition the man was in now.
‘Oh, don’t be sorry for me, young lad,’ Archie said, patting him on the arm. ‘I’ve had a good life. Ninety-two I am now. It’s my time to rest.’
‘Ninety-two?’ Nick could hardly believe it. They stood in silence for a few more minutes, then Archie sat back down in the wheelchair.
‘I wanted to be a mountain guide,’ Nick found himself saying.
Archie looked up at him. ‘Really? What happened?’
‘I worked for a friend for a year. When I left school. His dad died about that time and it took the two of us just to keep the family business going. It was one of the best times of my life. But when the recession really hit, he said he had to let me go. I had plans to start up on my own, but all the training and equipment and insurance and everything was just too expensive, and I had to finally admit that it just wasn’t going to happen …’ Nick trailed off, then collected himself. ‘My parents said I should go to college and get some proper qualifications. So I did something boring and predictable that would always get me a job.’
Archie nodded, as if he understood, but Nick went further, trying to explain why he had sold out on his dreams. ‘My parents … they own a B&B up in Fort William, and barely have enough money to make ends meet themselves. I just didn’t want to be a burden on them.’
Archie nodded again, taking everything in. ‘Life never works out the way you expect. It’s full of surprises. Look at me. I never thought I’d end up in Glasgow. I was sure I’d be killed falling off a cliff or something.’
Nick did have to laugh at that. ‘What made you come here?’
‘I’ve got a niece here. With grandkids of her own. The family persuaded me to move down here, and to be honest, I’m not sorry. Glasgow is a great city. Lots going on. And it’s great to see more of my family.’
‘Yeah.’ Nick thought of his parents. ‘Family is special.’
They stayed in silence for a few more minutes, the quiet settling around them like a comfortable blanket.
‘Fort William!’ Archie laughed, as if suddenly remembering something. ‘Now there’s a good place for walking. I should tell you about the time I went up Ben Nevis and had to rescue a man who got stuck in a snowstorm in his shirt sleeves! Wheel me inside, lad. I want to go and look at this new tram there’s been such a hoo-ha about.’
Jade and Lily walked slowly through the front doors of the museum, Lily leaning heavily on her stick and relying on Jade’s arm for balance. ‘What do you want to see?’ Jade asked, as they paused for a second to have a look around.
‘I heard they’ve revamped the shops along that nineteenth century street they have.’ Lily gestured with her stick in the general direction. ‘Let’s go see those.’
They browsed the shops, pointing out things of interest to each other. As they sat for a minute in a dentist’s waiting room, just to let Lily have a rest, she nudged Jade gently. ‘What about this young man of yours? Where did you find him?’
‘He’s not my young man.’ Jade was quick to defend herself. ‘We only met last Saturday. I found him on the bridge.’
‘Ah.’ Lily’s gaze seemed suddenly sharper, but Jade didn’t shrink from it. She had already shared a good deal of her history with the older woman and had found more love and acceptance than she could possibly have ever hoped for.
‘Yes.’ Jade kept her eyes steady. ‘I don’t think he’s very happy. So I brought him here, knowing how you helped me, and I was hoping that you would be able to help him too.’
The older lady pursed her lips. ‘I don’t help people, you silly muffin.’ She slipped an arm around Jade’s shoulders and pulled her in for a hug. ‘You were the one who helped yourself.’ She gave a sigh. ‘And Nick has to help himself. All we can do is give him the opportunity.’ She chuckled suddenly. ‘But I’m mighty curious how he’s getting on with that crusty old codger.’
Jade’s eyes danced. ‘Should we go and see if he’s pushed him in the river by now?’
Lily shook her head. ‘No, my dear, let’s leave them to it. I want to go and see the dressmaker’s across the way.’
And, of course, they had to go and sit in the old-fashioned Subway carriage for a bit, even though they had both done it many times before. While they were sitting, waiting for the sound effects that would make them feel that they were rushing through a tunnel, Lily nudged Jade again. ‘But tell me, don’t you think that he is quite a handsome man?’
‘Who, Archie?’ Jade said, wilfully misunderstanding.
Lily snorted, poking Jade with her stick. ‘As if! You know who I mean.’
Jade considered Nick for a while. Thinking about how she had seen him on the bridge, all pale and tired with his hat jammed down over his ears. Then the transformation she had seen today, wavy brown hair flopped untidily over his forehead as he sang lustily at the top of his voice. And the flash in his bright blue eyes when he had grinned at her.
‘Well,’ she said reluctantly, ‘I guess you could maybe say that. Just a little!’ she amended, as the older woman gave a crow of victory. ‘And that doesn’t mean I’m going to start dating him. I couldn’t cope with dating someone like that. It would just be too much to worry about.’
Lily looked at her with a knowing look. ‘I hear you. But then again, isn’t it worthwhile sometimes taking a chance in life?’ She heaved herself off her seat, gathering her stick up in one small feathery hand. ‘Now, get me to that café. I’m parched for a cuppa.’
The four of them sat at a square table in the café. Archie abandoned his wheelchair in favour of a proper chair. Three of them had soup, and Nick went for a massive cheese and pickle sandwich. The place was busy, with people chattering all around them. A couple of children ran around the room, laughing as they dashed in and out of the tables. The smell of fresh coffee made it seem warm and cosy.
‘I can’t believe how much stuff they have crammed in here.’ Nick waved his arms around to illustrate his point. Even the café had small displays littered around the edge of the room. ‘They have cars stuck up on the walls! And a whole steam train! I don’t know why I’ve never thought to come here before.’
‘That new tram looks very spangly,’ Jade remarked, knowing Archie had been keen to see it.
Archie sighed happily. ‘Ah yes. Brings back a lot of happy memories. Now, I remember the time I jumped off the roof of one, just to avoid the ticket inspector …’ And he was off, waving his arms around as he told them what had happened. Jade didn’t mind. All of his stories were interesting ones, and she loved hearing about how things used to be.
‘So how did you start doing these trips?’ She realised Nick was speaking to her and drew her attention back to him, blushing slightly as she remembered her earlier conversation with Lily.
‘You mean how, or why?’ Jade wasn’t sure exactly what he meant.
Nick had just taken a bite of his sandwich and took a moment to swallow before answering. ‘I mean, what got you into it. How did you think about doing this stuff? You know, giving up your free time just to take other people out.’
From the pause in his voice she knew he had almost been going to say old people. She winked at him, just to make him aware that she had caught his almost-mistake, and the back of his neck tinged slightly with pink. Intelligent, though, with Lily and Archie sitting right there. Her eyes twinkled, thinking of how the conversation would have gone if Nick had said the word old. Maybe not though. Lily and Archie were chatting away on the other side of the table, completely engrossed in a discussion about different models of trams.
‘My gran died a couple of years ago. I miss her a lot.’
Nick’s eyebrows rose. This obviously wasn’t what he had been expecting her to say, but Jade carried on. ‘I used to mope around the house. It was my mum who got me into this.’
She indicated one of the younger grey-haired helpers, sitting a couple of tables away. ‘Connie over there is friends with her. So I started coming down to the home to help out, just to get out of the house. And then I met Lily.’
Lily looked over at the sound of her name. ‘What was that, dearie?’
She put emphasis on the dearie, and Jade laughed, knowing it was on purpose. ‘I was just telling Nick how much of a burden you are and how I hate taking you out.’
Lily reached over and gave Jade’s hand a quick squeeze. ‘Gripe away, dearie. I’m used to it. Especially living in the same place as this old codger.’
Archie drew in a breath, pretending to be offended.
‘Sorry.’ Lily’s eyes twinkled. ‘I should have said, living in the same place as this fine gentleman.’
‘It doesn’t make your complaint any better, you know, wrapping it up in such fine words,’ Archie grumbled.
Nick lust looked at them all, and then burst out laughing. Creaky laughs, as if they were a little rusty with lack of use, but laughter all the same. And Jade just had to follow suit. She was so happy to be here, and Nick being around just made things better. She suspected he and Archie might be good for each other. If only she could persuade Nick to come back again. If she knew he had someone else keeping an eye on him, then she could leave him alone, happy in the knowledge that he had some kind of support network to keep him going.
They finished their lunch and Jade caught the attention of some of the other helpers, whose nods of agreement showed that they were also ready to go. By the time they were gathered back at the front of the museum it was past one and Keith was waiting with the minibus. The piled in, Jade sitting next to Nick again.
She touched his arm gently. ‘Enjoyed yourself?’
Nick turned his face towards hers, and she could see he was grinning again. ‘Very much so. Far more than I expected to, actually.’
‘Good.’ Jade decided to just say what was in her head. ‘Because I was hoping you’d come back when we go again in two weeks.’ Nick was silent, and Jade wondered if she’d misjudged him. ‘Of course, if you’d rather not, then—’
‘No!’ Nick interrupted her. ‘It’s just – well – won’t that other guy be back next week? I wouldn’t want to trample on his patch.’
Jade laughed. ‘Oh, we always need people. There’s always someone who can’t make it each week. And we can only take as many people out as we have helpers. So you’d be very welcome.’
Nick ducked his head, obviously embarrassed and happy at being wanted. And Jade suddenly wondered exactly what he had gone through, to drive him to stand on that bridge and have those kinds of thoughts. Maybe she would get to the bottom of things. And if not, then at least she could try to provide him with some sort of community to love and support him while he was here.
‘I’ll walk you to the station,’ Jade said, when everyone was safely back and they had said their goodbyes.
Nick looked like he was about to protest, but then he seemed to change his mind. ‘That would be great. And you really should give me your number too.’
‘OK, OK.’ Jade pretended to reluctantly give in, smiling at him again. She recited the number, while he typed it into his phone.
‘I promise I won’t stalk you.’ The grin was back. Jade couldn’t help smiling again in response.
They walked companionably side by side, not really talking much, through the streets that by now were bustling with people, out for Saturday shopping. Jade stopped at the entrance to the station.
‘So, what’s the plan for next weekend?’ Nick wanted to know. ‘You know. The next thing on the list.’
Jade had been lost in thought, wondering about Nick and what his story was. ‘Oh. Yeah.’ She thought for a minute. If he wouldn’t laugh at her, she could take him …
Screw it, she thought. Nothing to lose. ‘Kelvin Hall. Quarter to eleven. Wear something comfortable. Sweatpants or something.’
‘Are you going to tell me what we’re doing?’ Nick looked sideways at her.
‘Nope. That’s part of the fun.’ Jade winked at him.
‘Oh.’ Nick seemed to suddenly remember something. ‘Today was all about the second thing on the list. But you never actually told me what it was.’
Jade smiled. ‘Do a kindness for someone else. Feels good, doesn’t it?’
Nick didn’t reply for a second, then he unexpectedly leaned over suddenly and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Before she could say anything, he gave her a little wave and disappeared up the stairs. Jade put a hand to her cheek and stared after him for a minute, unsure of the meaning of what had just happened. Then she turned and walked slowly home.
‘You look very thoughtful,’ her mother remarked later that evening while they were both sitting in the living room after dinner. ‘Something on your mind?’
‘Just this guy I met. I took him to see Lily today.’
‘Ah.’ Her mother, never one for excessive speech, could convey a thousand messages with one word. ‘So what is he like, this man?’
Jade considered, the images of Nick flitting through her mind. ‘Nice. He seems nice.’ She snuggled up on the sofa in her blanket, content just to spend some time alone with her mother tonight. ‘Let’s watch some of your favourite programme, Mum.’
Her mother’s raised eyebrows indicated surprise, but she didn’t say anything, just reached for the remote. And as the familiar theme music started, Jade felt a strange feeling of contentment, which was something she hadn’t felt for a long time.
Chapter 3 (#ulink_12170cc5-8586-5f42-8654-c13995113ed1)
Nick lay on his bed that evening thinking about things. He was starting to wonder about the wisdom of taking a bedsit in the centre of town. He had originally done it because then he wouldn’t have to spend any time commuting, especially because they occasionally shifted a working day to match the hours in the US and he would get home really late. But he missed green fields and trees. The constant hum of the traffic was getting him down. Maybe if he took a flat somewhere out of the city like Lenzie or Milngavie? The commute wasn’t huge, just half an hour each way. And he could spend the time usefully doing something. Reading. Or watching something on his phone. Or something like that.
But then, the real problem was his job. Well, it wasn’t really the job. In fact, he liked it more than he had expected to like an office job. He loved the feeling of solving problems and being master of the web. Of fighting the dark forces of evil with only a few lines of computer code. But the real problem was his colleagues, but mainly his boss. Well, actually, all of them. It was all rolled into a massive knotty problem that he had no idea how to solve.
He supposed he should just try to find another outdoor job, but it was hard. He’d been watching websites for months, and the job he’d interviewed for a couple of weeks back – organising outdoor activities for kids – had been the only one he’d seen for ages that was even remotely close to what he wanted to do, even though the owner of the company hadn’t seemed much better than the boss he had now. And having them offer him the job, and then a few days later call them to say they’d changed their minds? That had been a major blow.
If they don’t want you, you don’t want them. He recited the mantra that his dad had taught him to help him stand up to the bullies at school. The trouble was, it wasn’t always true. A job working outdoors with a tosser for a boss was better than the job he had now, where he was stuck in an office and still had a tosser for a boss. And so his thoughts continued circling, his chest growing tight as he felt more and more trapped in his head.
If he stayed in the same type of work that he was doing now then he would probably have to go down to London to find another job, and the thought of that scared him even more than carrying on in his current job. Besides, he didn’t like the thought of running away. Even though the blokes in his office all seemed the same, odds were that some of them were as frustrated as he was. If he could only find a way to sort things out …
‘New Year, new start.’ Nick jumped as one of his colleagues threw a backpack onto a nearby desk. Nick normally had the office to himself until at least nine. He liked to come in early, before eight if possible. It gave him at least an hour before the office banter started up and he got distracted by people asking him for things. But it seemed that someone had decided to start the new year with a new resolution.
‘Yeah.’ Nick tried to be enthusiastic, but to be honest he was missing the mountains. And being back home. And there wasn’t even any snow in Glasgow to make things look pretty. ‘How was your holiday?’
‘Oh, you know, the usual. Too much food, too much drink. Family rows. Glad to be back really. How was yours?’
Nick thought of the ten days he had spent at home. The wild waves whipped up in the sea lochs. The perfect sheen of the snow on the hills. The deer spread out on the mountain sides like chocolate sprinkles on a white iced cake.
He suddenly realised the other man was waiting for a reply. ‘Oh. Great. It was great.’
Too great, he thought, as he returned his eyes to the screen and back to what he was working on. He had come up with some really good ideas over the holiday for a particularly knotty problem the whole office had been trying to solve. Maybe if he spoke to his boss about it then it might make him more likely to get a good bonus come April. Then he could buy that new amazing winter jacket he had been wanting for ages. If he was really lucky it would be in the summer sales … Then he sobered. Maybe he could just send his parents on holiday. They hadn’t been abroad for years.
It wasn’t long before the office filled up, loud and noisy with people exchanging their holiday stories. Nick wondered some days how ten people managed to make so much noise. Still, they weren’t bad people. They had bought him cake on his birthday. And taken him out for dinner and drinks when he first started. It was just that he struggled to fit in to their casual talk about cars, and golf, and women. And he felt like everyone knew it.
It was no use trying to concentrate on work until everyone had settled down. Time for a cup of tea. He rounded the corner into the breakout area, only to find three of the guys in there, clustered around the noticeboard. One of them took something and pinned it up with satisfaction. ‘There we go. How about that.’ They stood back to admire the view.
Nick looked at the notice board and frowned. Up at the top was a calendar. But not just any calendar. It was some kind of trade calendar, from God knew what kind of company, because January’s picture showed a scantily clad woman bent in a supposedly enticing position over a car bonnet.
Nick sucked in a breath. His mother would have been horrified, and not just because she was a devoted Catholic. He found himself speaking before he thought about the consequences. ‘You can’t put that up there, for goodness sake.’
Andy, the one who had pinned it up, turned towards him. ‘Oh yeah? Why not?’
Nick just shook his head in bewilderment. ‘How can you even ask that? That’s totally inappropriate for an office environment. What kind of image do you think it gives our company? How do you think women will feel when they look at it?’
Andy folded his arms. ‘Tell me, when do we ever get any visitors to this office? And there aren’t even any women here.’
‘What about Sadie?’ Nick couldn’t believe his ears.
‘Her? She’s just part-time admin. She doesn’t count.’ Andy clearly didn’t even see her as a member of staff. Which made Nick angry. Before he knew what he was doing, he had grabbed the calendar off the wall and torn all the pages in half.
He dumped them in the bin, trembling, part with rage and part with fear. ‘There you go. That’s the only good thing that your calendar is good for.’
Andy grabbed Nick and raised his fist under his nose. ‘That was my calendar, you little shit!’
‘Gents! Please!’ Their boss had pushed himself through the group of people watching at the doorway. ‘What is going on here?’
‘He put up a calendar with naked women on it.’ Nick was still angrily defiant.
‘And he ripped it in half and threw it in the bin.’ Andy crossed his arms again.
The big boss sighed. ‘Andy. Nick is right, unfortunately. A naked calendar is not appropriate for the office.’
Nick didn’t like the word unfortunately, but since he was being backed up then he supposed he couldn’t complain.
But the man wasn’t finished yet. ‘But you, Nick. Ripping up other people’s property is not an appropriate way to resolve a conflict.’ He gave a theatrical sigh. ‘Since you’re so junior, I’ll overlook it this time.’
The man turned on his heel. ‘Everyone, back to work! Work doesn’t do by itself, you know.’
Andy gave Nick a dirty look and walked off back to his desk. Nick took a deep breath. He almost wished he hadn’t said anything in the first place, but as he passed Sadie’s desk, he looked at her and saw her mouthing ‘thank you’ at him. His heart lifted. Maybe he had done the right thing?
It was a week later when Nick finally felt ready to go to his boss with his ideas. This was a real gamechanger. It could make them a lot of money. He’d prepared a presentation to show to him, with details of the potential market and everything. He’d grab him right after their weekly team meeting and ask for some of his time. He could barely contain his excitement when he got in that morning.
‘Right, everybody,’ the boss said as they sat down in the conference room, around the white-topped table. ‘We’ll go through the regular business soon, but meanwhile Andy has some exciting new ideas to share with us.’
Andy stood up to the usual claps and hoots of approval, and Nick sat back, curious to know what was coming next. But as the slides displayed on the screen, he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was his presentation. OK, changed a little bit, but his charts were there. And his ideas. All of his precious ideas.
Nick barely registered the rest of the meeting, so caught up was his mind on how Andy had stolen his work. How had the man done it? And then he suddenly remembered. He had stored all his work on his personal folder on the shared drive. And none of it was password protected. Anyone could have looked at his stuff.
As the others were filing out, he grabbed Andy by the arm. ‘I can’t believe you did that.’
‘Did what?’ Andy looked at him innocently.
They were the only two left in the meeting room. Nick kept his voice low. ‘That was my presentation. With my ideas.’
Andy looked him and folded his arms. ‘Prove it.’
Nick looked at him. ‘I have a copy of it in my folder on the shared drive! You stole it from there!’
Andy shrugged. ‘Like I said.’
Nick made his way back to his desk, his hands shaking. He clicked into his personal folder. And then blinked. The entire folder where he had stored the presentation, and all the research that had gone into it, was gone. Just deleted. He clicked around for a couple of minutes, thinking maybe he’d been mistaken, that he had maybe stored it somewhere else, but when he looked up and caught sight of Andy smirking at him from the other side of the office then he knew. This was revenge for the calendar.
Nick got up and marched straight into his boss’s office. ‘Excuse me. Can I have a word?’
The man leaned back in his chair with a friendly smile. ‘Sure. What can I do for you?’
Nick closed the door, then sat down in the chair across the desk. ‘It’s hard to say this, really. But I need to tell you that those ideas, the ones that Andy showed us this morning, they were mine. I came up with them. He took them off me without me knowing.’
His boss was silent for what seemed like a long while, and then he finally spoke. ‘Nick. I know you’re very new to the team. And all this may seem very new to you, being fresh out of university. But I have to say that we’re a team. We work together. There’s no point putting someone down just to make yourself look better.’ He leaned his arms on the desk, looking very stern. ‘And I have to tell you that accusing someone of stealing your ideas is a very serious accusation.’
He waited a while longer, while Nick shifted in his chair, feeling the blood rise to his face. If even his boss didn’t believe him, what was he going to do?
Then the older man sighed suddenly and leaned back in his chair. ‘Look, Nick. Whatever issues you and Andy have, you need to sort them out. He’s a longstanding valued member of this team. The clients trust him. I trust him. And if you can’t make this work between you, then maybe you should think about finding another job.’
He held up a hand as Nick started to speak. ‘I’m not saying that in a bad way, Nick. I really like your work so far, and I think you have a long and promising career ahead of you. It’s just that if you want to get on in this world, you need to learn how to fit in. And become a team player.’ He smiled at Nick brightly. ‘Now. Is there anything else?’
Nick shook his head, feeling his shoulders slump. ‘No. I understand.’
Nick’s stomach growled, bringing him back to the present. It was after the presentation fiasco that things had really turned toxic in the office. The subtle bullying. The not-so-subtle comments. It had got to the point where he felt physically sick every time he walked through the office door. That’s why he had started applying for new jobs. And had been so elated when he thought he was finally getting away, only to have his dreams dumped in the bin.
He checked his watch. Way past dinner time. At least he felt hungry. That was an improvement, although he still didn’t feel like cooking. He jumped up, almost banging his head on the cupboard in his haste. Screw the cooking. He would go and get sushi from that new Japanese place that had just opened around the corner. A reward for completing task two of the happy list. He couldn’t wait to find out what was number three.
After dinner he went to sleep and dreamed that Jade smashed her way into his office and punched both Andy and his boss in the face, while Archie ran amok in his wheelchair singing army songs at the top of his voice and running over everyone’s toes.
When Nick woke the next day, he realised it was the first time he had slept well in as long as he could remember. He could walk up to the Necropolis again, he thought. Start the happy list over again. And then he would call his mum, he hadn’t spoken to her for ages.
Jade eased herself slowly down into the weird half-standing position that the teacher called ‘chair pose’. It was a few weeks since she had bothered to come to the yoga class, and she could already feel her thighs complaining at the unaccustomed treatment. She mentally promised them a hot bath when she got home and sneaked a quick look backwards to where Nick was. He caught her looking and gave her a wink. Jade smiled inwardly, glad to know that he wasn’t taking it too seriously. She couldn’t believe how cool and collected he looked, while her legs were complaining about her five-week break. She sneaked a look at him again, making sure he didn’t catch her. Yes, she had to admit that those navy-blue shorts showed off his assets pretty well.
Still, this class was probably the best one she had found so far. A mix of yoga and meditation for beginners, with a teacher who was both incredibly practical and didn’t do any of the mystical crap. He was about the furthest thing from a hippie guru that she had ever seen. Short-haired and clad in lycra shorts that she had admired from behind on numerous occasions, he bounced about in front of the class with enthusiasm, and freely admitted his own difficulties in clearing his mind during the meditation exercises. Yes, thought Jade as she twisted herself into another position, hand reaching towards the ceiling, this was about as close to exercise as she was ever going to get. She really should come more often though. She hated to admit it, but she did feel better when she was coming regularly.
Nick sat with his legs crossed and eyes closed as they went into the meditation sequence. He had to admit the yoga had felt really good, but he was a bit sceptical about the meditation. Weren’t you supposed to empty your mind? And how on earth were you supposed to do that?
‘Right,’ the instructor said, ‘you’re probably all wondering now, what the hell do you do next?’
There were laughs around the room, and Nick couldn’t help joining in.
‘I want you to focus on your breathing. Just count to yourself as it goes in and out. You’re bound to start thinking about something, but just look at those thoughts and say to them “Yeah, whatever.”’
There was another round of laughter.
Nick sat up straight and tried to concentrate on the in and out of his breath. He fully expected some stressful thoughts to bubble to the surface, but to his surprise the first thing that came into his mind was his mother, cooking the breakfasts for the guests at the big range like she always did every morning. He couldn’t bring himself to greet her in such an offhand way as instructed, so instead sent her a quick hello, and in his mind’s eye she lifted one hand to give him a wave in greeting. She had been over the moon when he had called her last Sunday. He sometimes wondered if she was truly happy where she was. Could that be why she had urged him to get out and do something else with his life?
In … Out … In … Out … With each breath he could feel himself getting more relaxed, and he rolled his shoulders a little, trying to release some of the ever-present tension in them. He could faintly hear the music from the gym next door, and the smell of plastic from the yoga mat that had thankfully looked fairly new and clean when he pulled it from the box in the corner of the room. If he really listened carefully then he could just about make out the sounds of people breathing in and out all around him.
Strangely enough, the next thing that popped into his head was Jade. It was the first time he had seen her with clothes that fit her closely, and he wondered how someone as skinny as her still managed to have such an amazing bum. He’d had plenty of time to admire it from his position just slightly behind her.
He realised he had completely lost his focus on his breathing and started counting again. He was kind of relieved when the instructor called time and they switched back to yoga again.
When the class was finally wrapped up, Jade lay on her mat for a second, feeling happiness and tired muscles in equal measure. Time for a shower, she thought. And then she would take Nick somewhere for lunch. Her stomach agreed with the last thought, and she smiled again.
A shadow fell over her. ‘Having happy thoughts?’ It was Nick.
She opened her eyes, twisting her head up at him. ‘Having thoughts about food.’
He gave her a grin, extending a hand downwards to help her up. ‘Great idea. My thoughts exactly.’
They were just rolling up their mats when one of the women from the class came over to them. Stunningly gorgeous was the only way to describe her. She was one of those people whose chestnut-brown hair looked amazing even when it was tied up in a messy ponytail, and her skin was lightly bronzed as if she had never spent a day in Scotland in her life. Jade didn’t even want to think about her figure, rounded in all the right places and flat in all of the others.
‘Hi. Can I just ask, are you two together?’ Her soft, sexy American accent just completed the picture of perfection.
‘Yes,’ Nick said, at the same time as Jade answered, ‘No.’
At the woman’s puzzled look, Jade rushed to clarify. ‘Oh, we came together, but we’re not together, together. We’re just friends.’
Were she and Nick really friends? She supposed they were, after a fashion. It would have to do. It was less complicated than the real story.
‘Oh, great.’ said the woman. She draped an arm round Nick’s shoulders. ‘Because I think you’re stunning. I just wanted to tell you.’ She gave Jade a wink. ‘How would you feel about going for lunch?’
Nick seemed speechless, and Jade suddenly felt an irrational burst of anger at this person, coming in and interfering in her life and her friendship. As Nick opened his mouth to reply, Jade spoke before she could find out what his answer would be. ‘Sorry, but not today. We’ve got somewhere to be.’
‘Oh.’ The beauty unwound her arm from Nick’s neck, clearly disappointed, and held a card out to Jade. ‘Well, honey, if you change your mind, just call me.’
Jade took the card, frowning slightly, as the woman turned away. She looked at Nick. ‘Did she …?’
Nick nodded, obviously struggling not to laugh. ‘Just hit on you, yes.’
Jade was still trying to comprehend what had happened. ‘So why did she put her arm around you? I thought it was you that she liked.’ She shook her head as Nick grinned.
Jade fingered the card. ‘Who the hell takes business cards into a yoga class?’ She suddenly looked at it in horror. ‘Come to think of it, where the hell did she have it stored?’
Nick suddenly lost his battle with laughter and doubled over, gasping as he tried to catch his breath. Jade joined him, laughing so hard that she just had to sink down onto the floor and sit for a couple of minutes. It was only the door opening with the people for the next class that brought them back to their senses.
Nick grabbed her hand, his large one closing around hers, and pulled her up to a standing position, wiping his eyes with his other hand. ‘Come on, Miss Stunning. We’ve got a lunch to eat.’
Chapter 4 (#ulink_1ace2895-aec2-503b-89a9-ba3c186ee0f4)
As Jade showered, she puzzled over the reaction she’d felt when she thought that the bombshell was coming onto Nick. Did that mean she was attracted to Nick herself? As she had admitted to Lily, she did find him handsome, but he wasn’t her usual type. She normally went for bigger, more macho men with muscles and tattoos. Nick was too thin and wiry for her, with not a tattoo in sight. In sight, a wicked corner of her brain reminded her. She shook her head. She would bet a lot that he didn’t have one. He just didn’t seem like the tattooing type.
No, she said to herself firmly, as she pressed the water button yet another time, it was just that she was afraid of anything messing with their friendship, so soon after they had found each other. Also, of anyone messing with Nick, when he was in such a fragile state. And, she reflected, if she didn’t get out of this shower soon, she’d be in danger of losing his friendship from him having to wait for her so long.
They sat in the café with a happy buzz of background conversation washing over them.
Nick was tucking into a full English breakfast. ‘So,’ he waved his fork in her direction, ‘was the third thing on the list, do exercise?’
Jade shook her head, crunching into her toast. ‘No. Actually, it was meditate.’
Nick sighed. ‘I’m not sure how much meditation I did, really. I did a lot of thinking but can’t really say I reached a true meditative state.’
Jade realised he was teasing her, just slightly. ‘To be honest, it’s not really my thing either. I only started it because some of my Twitter followers suggested it. And I like Peter. He’s always funny when he does a class.’
‘Wait.’ Nick leaned towards her, food momentarily forgotten. ‘What do you mean, some of your Twitter followers?’
Jade blushed, realising she would have to tell him. ‘I write,’ she said, trying to keep her voice casual. ‘Not for money. I write short stories and publish them on the internet for people to read.’
Nick raised his eyebrows, obviously impressed. ‘What sort of stuff do you write? I mean, what kind of stories?’
‘Lots of stuff, really. But I guess mainly science fiction. Or really, what people these days call near future. Things that could happen soon, but not really far in the future. And occasionally some paranormal stuff.’
‘So how did the meditation thing come up?’
‘Oh.’ Jade had gone off on a different train of thought already, and Nick’s question dragged her back. ‘When I was putting together the happy list. I thought I’d poll people about what made them happy. Twitter is so full of negative people all the time.’ She paused, remembering. ‘It was great actually. Lots of people just find happiness in simple things. Spending time with their family. Going for a walk with the dog. Anyway, there were a few people who mentioned meditation. So I thought I would try it. And I found the class with Peter, which does make me happy. So I guess it does work.’ She smiled as she thought about her favourite suggestion though, from a woman and her vibrator. She wouldn’t mention that one to Nick. Not here, at any rate.
‘Go on, let’s have a look.’ Nick’s question pulled her out of her thoughts again.
‘At what?’ Jade looked at him suspiciously.
‘At your Twitter profile.’ He dug out his phone. ‘What’s your handle?’
Jade dived for her own phone in her handbag. Doing it this way, with any luck he wouldn’t remember it and then wouldn’t be able to look it up later. She pulled it up and passed it across to him.
‘Wow, more than five thousand followers. I’m impressed.’ He scrolled through a few of her tweets. ‘Have you ever thought of trying to get published?’ He placed the phone back on the table and returned to his breakfast.
Jade retrieved her phone, as if having it back would return the information to the mental box she had opened. She didn’t have to tell him the whole story. It was her private life to keep private. Still, she could tell him part of it. The part that didn’t hurt that much anymore. ‘When I was growing up, I wanted to. I really wanted to write for a living.’
Nick frowned. ‘What happened?’
Jade shrugged. ‘I went to Glasgow Uni to study English. I was convinced I was going to become the next JK Rowling or Isaac Asimov.’ She smiled slightly at the memory.
Nick was clearly listening intently, a piece of sausage left forgotten on his fork half-way to his mouth. She motioned at it and he recovered, did a fake double-take as if he had never seen it before, and ate it.
‘Anyway,’ Jade went on quickly, ‘we had some family problems in my final year and I bombed out of my exams and never went back.’
‘Wouldn’t they let you re-take them?’ Nick was quick in her defence, with indignation in his tone.
Jade twisted a finger through her hair. ‘They would have done. But after everything it all just seemed unnecessary, you know.’ She waved a hand, trying to sound dismissive.
Nick was silent for a while, as if he was trying to digest what she had said.
‘So what do you do for money?’ he finally asked.
Jade blinked. She had really been expecting him to ask about the reason she had flaked out of university. Maybe because this was the story she least wanted to tell. But it seemed for whatever reason that he either wasn’t interested or sensed her reluctance to go into any more detail.
She relaxed, leaning back in her chair. ‘I work at the go-karting centre. Down by the river.’
‘No way.’ Nick dropped his knife on the floor and hurriedly retrieved it, wiping it on his serviette. ‘That’s such a cool job. Do they let you drive the cars?’
Jade shrugged. ‘It’s OK. The guy who runs the place is pretty good. I only work on reception, but sometimes when the mechanics make repairs then they ask us to drive them round for a few laps just to check that things are working properly.’
Nick sighed. ‘I don’t know why I’m working in an office when I could be doing something like that.’ He finished off his last bit of food, placing his knife and fork carefully together.
‘I bet I earn half what you do,’ Jade pointed out. ‘And you don’t come home stinking of go-kart fuel.’
‘You just had to spoil the fantasy.’ Nick sighed again, this time theatrically.
Jade had to laugh at that. ‘No job is perfect.’
He rubbed his forehead. ‘I don’t know … I loved my job as a mountain guide.’
‘So why the hell are you here in Glasgow doing a job that you clearly hate?’ She found herself leaning forward, as if to emphasise the point she was making.
Nick looked at her, clearly surprised. ‘How do you know that I hate my job? I’ve never talked about it.’
Jade threw up her hands, wondering if she had to spell everything out. ‘Exactly. You never talk about it. Most people who love their jobs, you can’t stop them talking about it.’
‘I don’t hate my job.’ He must have realised he sounded unconvincing, because he amended, ‘Well, not much.’
‘So what’s so bad about it?’ she found herself asking.
Nick paused, as if wondering which item to pick from a very long list. Or just maybe no one had asked him that question before. He scratched his chin, which was covered in a layer of slightly rugged stubble. ‘A combination of things, really. It’s a pretty macho environment for starters.’
‘Tell me about it.’ Jade rolled her eyes. She knew all about that from where she worked. Still, it wasn’t like the guys didn’t care about the girls … they just did it in a slightly condescending way. ‘I’ve never heard a guy complain about that before.’
Nick pulled himself up straight, as if this was something that mattered a lot to him. ‘We’re not all the same, you know.’
Jade suddenly remembered the forgotten half of her breakfast which still lay on her plate and took another bite.
‘What is that weird orange stuff anyway?’ Nick pointed at her plate.
‘It’s called sobrasada according to the menu. From Spain apparently.’
He studied her plate, where the sobrasada was smeared on toast with mashed avocado. ‘Well, it’s the weirdest looking sandwich I’ve ever seen. I hope it tastes better than it looks.’
‘It’s amazing.’ Jade held out a piece. ‘Do you want to try it?’
Nick shook his head, rubbing his stomach. ‘I would, but I’m pretty full. I’ll have to have a try next time.’
‘Oh.’ Jade decided it was a perfect opportunity to tease him. ‘Does that that mean there will be a next time?’ She winked at him.
‘Well, what about next week?’
‘Next week we’re taking the oldies out again. Or have you forgotten your promise?’
‘Oh yeah. It’s in my diary. I wouldn’t have forgotten.’ Nick stretched happily, leaning back with his arms tucked behind his head.
Jade slowly crunched her way through the rest of her toast. ‘Peter does have a lesson at eight a.m., but that’s probably too early for you.’
Nick shook his head. ‘Not really. It’s only half an hour from my place. How about we go and then have a quick breakfast here before going to pick up the … oldies, as you call them?’ He paused. ‘I think I’m going to tell them that you called them that.’
Jade sucked in a breath. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’
‘Never.’ Nick smiled, his eyes crinkling at the edges. ‘It’s our secret.’
And Jade found herself becoming suddenly warm under his gaze. Stop it, she told herself. We’re friends, nothing more. You have enough problems to deal with at the moment without taking on someone else’s too, remember?
‘OK,’ she said. ‘Yoga, then breakfast, then oldies, as you put it. But that means we might have to wait for the next thing on the list until the weekend after.’
‘Can’t we do it on the Sunday?’
Jade shook her head. ‘Working. You see, another point in the score against my job.’
‘You work Sundays?’ Nick was surprised.
‘Yep, six days a week. And mostly evenings too.’
‘Oh, my dreams of go-kart heaven are shattered. I feel for your poor little soul.’ He picked up her hand from the table and pressed it against his heart theatrically.
Jade snatched her hand away from his grip, her own heart hammering at the feel of his skin so close to hers. Even through his shirt then she had felt the warmth of his body, and it unsettled her more than she cared to admit. She stood up suddenly, almost knocking her chair over backwards.
‘I really need to go.’ She grabbed her coat from the chair, wrapping her scarf around her neck right up to her ears, as if she could hide from the world that way. ‘I promised to help my mum with some cooking.’ It was a lie, but she didn’t care. ‘Let’s pay at the till.’
Nick put his coat on too, seeming to be completely unaware of her inner thoughts, and they wandered back down to the bottom of the hill in silence. The rain fell in a steady drizzle, beading on Nick’s hair and making him look like he was grey before his time.
‘I’ll see you next week then.’ Nick leaned in for another quick kiss on her cheek.
‘Sure.’ Jade found herself smiling up at him.
He gave her a little wave as he set off down the street. Jade put her head down and resolutely walked the other way. She would put all thoughts of what had happened today out of her mind. Anyway, he’d never shown any sign that he was attracted to her. He was a nice guy. Just nice, she told herself firmly. Some kindness after all she had gone through was making her a bit soppy. And that was all it was. She had to keep her focus on what she was really supposed to be doing here, which was making sure that Nick was OK. Building him a support network in Glasgow.
The walk back put her in a better mood. The dull grey streets all sparkled in the wet, and the freshness of the rain made a change from the stink of the cars. By the time she got back home she was smiling. She loved Glasgow. Weather and warts and all. This was her city. And she was proud of it. Roll on life. She was ready for it.
Nick had hoped his muscles would have held up after last week’s class, but half-way through a yoga pose he felt his thighs beginning to tremble. Mind you, he hadn’t had anything for breakfast, so it was probably all his fault. The black cloud in his brain had come on so fast last night that all he could do was lie in bed and wait for it to pass. He was still waiting. The beautiful spring sun shining in through the windows made even more of a mockery of his mood.
At least he had made it through the week. That was his main goal in life, to pass as normal. Only he knew just how much effort it had taken to drag himself out of bed this morning and walk across town. But he hadn’t wanted to let Jade down. Or Archie.
Meeting Jade had given him some hope, and it felt as though she was the only thing that was getting him through his life right now. When he was with her the world seemed a little less grey and depressing. But he would never tell her how he felt about her though. Didn’t want her to feel like he was somehow fixated on her in a creepy way. She seemed happy to just be friends. And he could see why. Who would want to take someone on who was miserable most of the time?
To his horror he felt his eyes fill with tears. Not here, not now, he begged himself. He beat his feelings back into submission until they slowly simmered inside him, although he knew they were ready to boil over again at a moment’s notice. He shouldn’t have come, he knew that now. The sound of Peter’s voice as he ended the class felt like the biggest relief he had ever known.
He gathered up his mat, purposely not looking for Jade. He would go home. Sink into his bed. Never come out. And they would find his emaciated corpse when they finally broke down the door.
‘Depression lies.’ A voice spoke right next to his ear as he bent to put his mat back in the box. It was so quiet that he thought he must have imagined it. Was he starting to hear voices now?
He straightened and turned, only to find Jade not two feet away from him. ‘What did you say?’ He wanted to confirm what she had said. It felt so random.
‘I said, depression lies.’ She took his elbow and steered him towards the door. ‘Whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s not you. Depression lies to you. It tells you things that aren’t true.’
He looked suspiciously at her as they strolled down the corridor. ‘How do you know what I’m thinking?’
She laughed. ‘Not what. I’m not a bloody mind-reader. But it’s pretty obvious that something’s going on. You haven’t said a word since you got here, and your eyes look kind of weird. In fact, I’m impressed you actually got here this morning.’
Nick’s brain got caught between pride in the fact that she was impressed with him, and panic at the thought that what he was feeling was visible. Did everyone know? Is that why no one had talked to him today?
Jade must have caught some of his more negative thoughts, because she nudged him gently. ‘Don’t worry. I’m just good at noticing that kind of thing. I’ve had lots of practice. Now come on, let’s get you something to eat. I could hear your stomach grumbling from halfway across the room.’
She disappeared into the changing rooms through the brown wooden door, leaving him staring after her. And one thought wound its way slowly through his tired brain, like a mole slowly carving its way through the dark soil. Who else did she know who felt like him?
Chapter 5 (#ulink_bd589626-1c3b-5ff9-9592-f43f88d69cd6)
Jade put her arm around Nick’s elbow as they walked up the road to the café, as if she knew he needed some mental help to drag himself up the hill. ‘You will try the avocado today, won’t you?’ Her voice sounded almost accusing, as if she expected him to chicken out.
‘Yes, although I still think it looks pretty much like someone has thrown up on your plate.’
Jade snorted. ‘No more than that disgusting mess you made with your mix of egg, beans and mushrooms last time.’
‘It’s not the look, it’s the taste.’ Nick was defensive.
‘Yeah. Wouldn’t that be a good name for a café?’ Jade waved her free arm expansively. ‘Looks Shit. Tastes Amazing.’
Nick had to laugh at that. ‘I would go for Shit Looks. Amazing Taste. A bit more punchy. Bring in the customers.’
As they stopped outside the café, Nick turned to Jade. ‘How is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? Because that’s what I’m feeling today. Like there’s a black cloud over everything. But then you just made me laugh. Which just feels weird.’
She looked up at him, startled by the sudden change of topic, and for one unguarded moment he could see his own emotions mirrored in her eyes. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that it is.’ She turned away, as if worried that he might see something on her face, but then suddenly turned back, an intensity in her eyes that surprised him.
‘They say that everything passes. But I don’t think it does. I think emotions are like the sea. It’s sometimes smooth and sunny, and sometimes the wind is blowing so hard you think you’re going to sink.’ She opened the door, and motioned for him to go in. And as he passed her, she added, ‘But it’s when you think you’re just about to drown that someone else tends to pass by with a life raft.’
She was his life raft, he realised. And he hoped she wasn’t going to disappear any time soon, because the thought of swimming through the waves on his own was enough to make him panic.
Nick had to admit that Jade had been right about the breakfast. The bread was amazing, and the freshness of the taste went much better with his unsettled stomach that a cooked breakfast would have done.
‘So, where are we going today?’ He pushed his empty plate back, surprised that he had managed to eat at all. Still, Jade had distracted him with random stories about funny things that had happened at work, and he had hardly noticed himself eating until he had gone to take another bite and found it all gone.
‘We were supposed to be going to the Kelvingrove Museum, but I got a text last night that with the weather as it is then we’re just going to have a picnic in the park.’
‘Sounds great.’ Nick stretched his long legs out under the table, taking care to angle them so they wouldn’t brush against Jade’s. Last thing he wanted was for that to happen. Actually, he realised he was lying to himself. He was craving physical contact today just like a thirsty person desperate for water. But the last thing he wanted was for Jade to feel uncomfortable with him. He didn’t think he would survive if he lost their easy friendship.
‘Yeah.’ Jade checked her watch. ‘In fact, we’d better get ourselves off to the station or we’ll be late.’
‘It seems a long way to go all the way up there, just to come back here. Can’t we just meet them there?’
Jade stood up and pulled him to his feet. ‘Come on, lazy bones. A promise is a promise. Besides, Archie has been looking forward to seeing you since last time.’
‘Really?’ Nick couldn’t quite believe what he had just heard. ‘Looking forward to seeing me?’
‘Oh God, did I not tell you?’ Jade stopped in front of the till and rolled her eyes. ‘Lily’s been texting me. She says he hasn’t stopped talking about you. What did you say to him?’
Nick started to say something, and then realised she was teasing him, and folded his arms. ‘Any more of that, and you’ll have to pay for breakfast.’
Jade shook a finger at him. ‘No way. I’ll skip off and leave you washing dishes. But seriously, he is really keen to see you. So you can’t let him down.’
As they set off down the road Nick could feel the sunshine slowly warming the numbness in his body. Summer was coming. In fact, today almost felt like summer. He should take some time off. Get up north. Do some walking. Hang out by the rivers. Go kayaking. He hadn’t had a break since Christmas. It was about time.
Jade had been right. Archie welcomed Nick warmly, shaking his hand firmly, and patting him heartily on the shoulders when he sat down. Lily enveloped him in a rose-scented hug.
‘Is that a new perfume you’re wearing?’ He was good at smells, he realised. Enough to tell that it was different from what she had on last time.
Lily smiled, clearly impressed that he had noticed. ‘Yes. Archie got it for my birthday. Came all the way from London.’
‘They’ve been teaching us how to use the internet.’ Archie looked smug. ‘So I thought I would put my new skills to good use.’
‘How old are you now, Lily?’ A little smile lifted the corners of Jade’s mouth.
Lily looked sternly at Jade, but Nick could see the twinkle in her eyes. This was clearly some sort of game that they had played before. ‘Goodness! You know a lady never tells.’ She clasped her hands in front of her dramatically, and all four of them laughed.
The bustle started to get everyone into the minibus, and soon they were speeding their way towards their destination. There was no singing this time. Everyone just seemed content to relax and enjoy the sunshine.
Keith dropped them off at the entrance to the park, and they made their way slowly along the winding path. The park was busy with the sounds of people playing football and kids shouting and screaming. It seemed like half of Glasgow was out to enjoy the sun. A group of park runners wove their way past the wheelchairs at one point, flowing around them like rocks in a stream.
‘We need a flat bit to play croquet,’ Jade said, just when Nick was starting to wonder if they were going to walk the whole length of the park.
‘Ah, that’s what that weirdly-shaped bag is for.’ He pointed at the red bag that one of the other volunteers was carrying. ‘I’d wondered that.’
‘Yeah. Although we’ve only got four balls and mallets, so I think we’re going to have to do some teams or something.’
‘Some people won’t be able to play,’ Nick pointed out.
‘Yeah.’ Jade agreed. ‘Although that guy over there,’ she pointed at one of the wheelchairs up ahead of them, ‘pretty much all he remembers how to do is play croquet. Can’t even remember if he’s had breakfast, but if you put a mallet in his hand, he’s a bit of a pro.’
‘Weird.’ Nick couldn’t help marvelling at the brain and how complex it was. People would probably never understand it all.
They finally found the perfect spot and settled themselves down. Someone offered Nick a camping chair, but he politely declined, preferring to lie himself down on a rug. He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of people’s affection wrapping around him like a warm winter jacket, staving off the cold feeling of loneliness. He really should keep on looking for other jobs again, he thought. It was awful to be stuck in that office five days a week. The dark feeling that came over him every time he thought about work started to pull him in, but he pushed it away. Don’t think about that right now, he thought. Leave it until Monday morning.
He focused on the little things. The feel of grass under his right hand where it had slipped off the edge of the rug. The gentle breeze on this face. The sound of a blackbird singing in a tree somewhere. It was a beautiful day.
Jade watched Nick as he lay on the ground. His face looked different, she realised. The line in the middle of his forehead had smoothed out to almost nothing, and his breath rose and fell evenly. He even had a faint smile on his lips. She suddenly wished she could freeze him just like that. Life was so cruel to people with mental health problems. Break a leg, and everyone gave you sympathy. Go through a crisis that seemed to be entirely in your brain, and people didn’t really have a clue about how to react.
There was a vigorous discussion going on around her about how to set up the croquet teams. Jade leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, only half listening. The sun warmed her face, making her think that she should have brought sun cream. Lily would have some. But it could wait just a bit longer before she put some on.
Someone tapped her on the shoulder. ‘It’s three teams of four, and then the winners will all play each other.’
Jade opened her eyes, shading the sun with her hand as she looked up at Connie. ‘OK. What are the teams?’
‘Well, Archie and Nick, with—’
‘Oh no.’ Archie interrupted. ‘I’m too old for all these shenanigans.’
Nick sat up. ‘Oh, come on, Archie. I can’t believe you’re wimping out of this one.’ His hair was all tousled from lying on the grass, and Jade longed to smooth it down for him.
Archie looked down at Nick, slightly affronted. ‘Well, young man, unless you’re going to invent a new sport called wheelchair croquet …’
Nick’s face broke out in a massive grin. ‘I don’t have to. It’s already been invented. More than a hundred years ago in fact.’ He jumped up and grabbed the back of Archie’s wheelchair. ‘And we are going to play it.’
Jade couldn’t help laughing at the eager expression on Archie’s face as Nick wheeled him over to the centre of the small patch of grass that had been chosen as their croquet lawn. There was much discussion about the best way to set out the hoops, and then the game began.
The croquet game was a lot of fun. Archie quickly adapted to his new skill, and Nick made fake racing noises as he steered the wheelchair around the grass. There were a lot of insults traded to try and put people off their game, and one of the helpers kept up an Olympic-style sports commentary which had them all in stitches.
It was in the middle of the first round, when he was waiting for Archie to take a shot, that Nick looked straight over at Jade. Focused on Archie, she caught the movement, and looked up just in time to see Nick’s infectious grin and a wink. The action was so natural that she couldn’t help winking back. Nick turned his attention back to the game, but Jade was caught, stunned by the realisation that despite her best efforts to not get sucked in, she had. She now cared about his happiness. Very deeply, in fact.
You’re going to have to tell him about me, Ruby whispered in her mind, if you care about him that much.
Jade took a deep breath. She would, she thought. And actually, knowing about what had happened to someone else might even help Nick. And explain a lot of things to him about her own behaviour. But it wasn’t like she could just casually drop into the conversation something she had never told anyone else: you know what, my little sister committed suicide last year and it was all my fault …
Dinner, she thought, struggling to focus. She was planning to invite him to dinner at home next week. Mum had promised to cook because she was dying to meet Nick anyway. She could take Nick up to her room and show him the photos and tell him then. That was a good plan. And her anger at herself was just something she would have to deal with, if there was a chance to help someone else.
Lily, sitting next to her, touched her arm. ‘Are you OK?’
That was Lily, just always quietly attuned to other people’s feelings. No wonder she had been so successful as a social worker. But Jade’s feelings of guilt connected with her sister’s death were something that she had never been able to reveal to anyone, not even Lily.
‘Yes actually.’ Jade pulled herself up in her chair and squeezed the older woman’s hand briefly. ‘I am.’ She twisted her neck from side to side, feeling the release of tension from her shoulders that had come from making the decision. She could do this. She would be strong.
Cheering and clapping brought her focus back onto the game in front of her. Archie had won the game, although she didn’t know how much of that was due to his skill, or if the others had let him win. It didn’t matter anyway, she reminded herself. The whole point of this was to have fun.
‘Come on.’ She took Lily’s arm and helped her up. ‘We’re up next.’
Jade flopped onto the picnic blanket, badly in need of a drink and glad for the tree that had thrown its shade over their sitting area as the sun grew higher. She would have loved to say that the final had been close, but as usual Jim had trounced everyone again, although second place had been a tightly-fought battle between Archie and Connie, with Archie losing out narrowly to the woman who often took care of Jim on these outings.
‘He’s been giving her lessons,’ Archie grumbled as Nick wheeled him back into position beside Lily’s chair.
‘Don’t feel too bad,’ Jade told him. ‘Jim was the national croquet champion three years running back in the day. I looked him up.’
‘I’m amazed that that’s really a thing,’ Nick said, throwing himself down beside her.
Jade could feel his presence only inches away from hers, and it felt sort of comforting. If they had been alone then she probably would have reached out and touched him, but instead she just lay with her face propped up on her hands, enjoying the feeling of being near to him.
Someone passed her a can. The cold metal felt amazing in her fingers, and when she cracked it open and felt the fizzy chill slide down her throat then she thanked whoever had invented ice boxes.
They sat enjoying their sandwiches, watching the world go by and saying very little.
‘I bet the staff at your place are glad to get rid of everyone for a few hours,’ Nick said.
Lily shook her head. ‘Maybe. They always use the time to give everywhere a proper clean, so it’s not like they’re getting a rest.’
‘Hmm.’ Nick was surprised. ‘They do work hard, don’t they?’ It made his nine to five, Monday to Friday seem pretty relaxed. But still, even eight hours in an office was too much if you hated it.
It was all too soon for Jade when they had to pack up. She could have stayed in the park all afternoon. But she could feel her face getting slightly warm, in spite of the sun cream. She pushed herself up off the grass with regret.
After everyone was settled back home, Jade walked Nick back to the station, despite his protests that he could find the way. It was starting to cloud over now and a strong breeze helped the fluffy masses through the sky.
‘Thanks for coming,’ she said, as they stopped by the station entrance.
‘My pleasure,’ Nick said. He put his palm on his face, which was already starting to look slightly pink. ‘But I really should remember to wear sun cream next time.’
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