Heading Inland
Nicola Barker
Heading Inland is a funny, broody, saucy collection of stories about the kind of people you sometimes meet but might prefer to ignore.Barker creates a wonderfully fantastical and unimaginable world: an unborn baby escapes an unsuitable mother through a secret belly-button zip; a wayward and yet enigmatic man attempts to rescue eels from an East End pie shop; a young woman discusses her fascination in other women’s breasts; a boy with his inside organs back to front desperately seeks attention; and a bitter old woman becomes bent on war with a tramp.This collection confirms Nicola Barker as one of the most versatile and original writers of her generation with a brilliant unconventional imagination she creates a new world that sparkles with dark humour.
NICOLA BARKER
Heading Inland
Dedication
For my mother
Contents
Cover
Title page (#u157d057d-6276-5acc-80a5-109205268eb9)
Dedication
Inside Information
G-String
The Three Button Trick
Wesley:
Blisters
Braces
Mr Lippy
The Piazza Barberini
Popping Corn
Water Marks
Back to Front
Limpets
Bendy-Linda
Gifts
Parker Swells
By the same author
Praise
Thanks
Copyright
About the publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Inside Information
Martha’s social worker was under the impression that by getting herself pregnant, Martha was looking for an out from a life of crime.
She couldn’t have been more wrong.
‘First thing I ever nicked,’ Martha bragged, when her social worker was initially assigned to her, ‘very first thing I ever stole was a packet of Lil-lets. I told the store detective I took them as a kind of protest. You pay 17½ per cent VAT on every single box. Men don’t pay it on razors, you know, which is absolutely bloody typical.’
‘But you stole other things, too, on that occasion, Martha.’
‘Fags and a bottle of Scotch. So what?’ she grinned. ‘Pay VAT on those too, don’t you?’
Martha’s embryo was unhappy about its assignment to Martha. Early on, just after conception, it appealed to the higher body responsible for its selection and placement. This caused something of a scandal in the After-Life. The World-Soul was consulted – a democratic body of pin-pricks of light, an enormous institution – which came, unusually enough, to a rapid decision.
‘Tell the embryo,’ they said, ‘hard cheese.’
The embryo’s social worker relayed this information through a system of vibrations – a language which embryos alone in the Living World can produce and receive. Martha felt these conversations only as tiny spasms and contractions.
Being pregnant was good, Martha decided, because store detectives were much more sympathetic when she got caught. Increasingly, they let her off with a caution after she blamed her bad behaviour on dodgy hormones.
The embryo’s social worker reasoned with the embryo that all memories of the After-Life and feelings of uncertainty about placement were customarily eradicated during the trauma of birth. This was a useful expedient. ‘Naturally,’ he added, ‘the nine-month wait is always difficult, especially if you’ve drawn the short straw in allocation terms, but at least by the time you’ve battled your way through the cervix, you won’t remember a thing.’
The embryo replied, snappily, that it had never believed in the maxim that Ignorance is Bliss. But the social worker (a corgi in its previous incarnation) re-stated that the World Soul’s decision was final.
As a consequence, the embryo decided to take things into its own hands. It would communicate with Martha while it still had the chance and offer her, if not an incentive, at the very least a moral imperative.
Martha grew larger during a short stint in Wormwood Scrubs. She was seven months gone on her day of release. The embryo was now a well-formed foetus, and, if its penis was any indication, it was a boy. He calculated that he had, all things being well, eight weeks to change the course of Martha’s life.
You see, the foetus was special. He had an advantage over other, similarly situated, disadvantaged foetuses. This foetus had Inside Information.
In the After-Life, after his sixth or seventh incarnation, the foetus had worked for a short spate as a troubleshooter for a large pharmaceutical company. During the course of his work and research, he had stumbled across something so enormous, something so terrible about the World-Soul, that he’d been compelled to keep this information to himself, for fear of retribution.
The rapidity of his assignment as Martha’s future baby was, in part, he was convinced, an indication that the World-Soul was aware of his discoveries. His soul had been snatched and implanted in Martha’s belly before he’d even had a chance to discuss the matter rationally. In the womb, however, the foetus had plenty of time to analyse his predicament. It was a cover-up! He was being gagged, brainwashed and railroaded into another life sentence on earth.
In prison, Martha had been put on a sensible diet and was unable to partake of the fags and the sherry and the Jaffa cakes which were her normal dietary staples. The foetus took this opportunity to consume as many vital calories and nutrients as possible. He grew at a considerable rate, exercised his knees, his feet, his elbows, ballooned out Martha’s belly with nudges and pokes.
In his seventh month, on their return home, the foetus put his plan into action. He angled himself in Martha’s womb, at just the right angle, and with his foot, gave the area behind Martha’s belly button a hefty kick. On the outside, Martha’s belly was already a considerable size. Her stomach was about as round as it could be, and her navel, which usually stuck inwards, had popped outwards, like a nipple.
By kicking the inside of her navel at just the correct angle, the foetus – using his Inside Information – had successfully popped open the lid of Martha’s belly button like it was an old-fashioned pill-box.
Martha noticed that her belly button was ajar while she was taking a shower. She opened its lid and peered inside. She couldn’t have been more surprised. Under her belly button was a small, neat zipper, constructed out of delicate bones. She turned off the shower, grabbed hold of the zipper and pulled it. It unzipped vertically, from the middle of her belly to the top. Inside, she saw her foetus, floating in brine. ‘Hello,’ the foetus said. ‘Could I have a quick word with you, please?’
‘This is incredible!’ Martha exclaimed, closing the zipper and opening it again. The foetus put out a restraining hand. ‘If you’d just hang on a minute I could tell you how this was possible . . .’
‘It’s so weird!’ Martha said, closing the zipper and getting dressed.
Martha went to Tesco’s. She picked up the first three items that came to hand, unzipped her stomach and popped them inside. On her way out, she set off the alarms – the bar-codes activated them, even from deep inside her – but when she was searched and scrutinized and interrogated, no evidence could be found of her hidden booty. Martha told the security staff that she’d consider legal action if they continued to harass her in this way.
When she got home, Martha unpacked her womb. The foetus, squashed into a corner, squeezed up against a tin of Spam and a packet of sponge fingers, was intensely irritated by what he took to be Martha’s unreasonable behaviour.
‘You’re not the only one who has a zip, you know,’ he said. ‘All pregnant women have them; it’s only a question of finding out how to use them, from the outside, gaining the knowledge. But the World-Soul has kept this information hidden since the days of Genesis, when it took Adam’s rib and reworked it into a zip with a pen-knife.’
‘Shut it,’ Martha said. ‘I don’t want to hear another peep from you until you’re born.’
‘But I’m trusting you,’ the foetus yelled, ‘with this information. It’s my salvation!’
She zipped up.
Martha went shopping again. She shopped sloppily at first, indiscriminately, in newsagents, clothes shops, hardware stores, chemists. She picked up what she could and concealed it in her belly.
The foetus grew disillusioned. He re-opened negotiations with his social worker. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘I know something about the World-Soul which I’m willing to divulge to my earth-parent Martha if you don’t abort me straight away.’
‘You’re too big now,’ the social worker said, fingering his letter of acceptance to the Rotary Club which preambled World-Soul membership. ‘And anyway, it strikes me that Martha isn’t much interested in what you have to say.’
‘Do you honestly believe,’ the foetus asked, ‘that any woman on earth in her right mind would consider a natural birth if she knew that she could simply unzip?’
The social worker replied coldly: ‘Women are not kangaroos, you cheeky little foetus. If the World Soul has chosen to keep the zipper quiet then it will have had the best of reasons for doing so.’
‘But if babies were unzipped and taken out when they’re ready,’ the foetus continued, ‘then there would be no trauma, no memory loss. Fear of death would be a thing of the past. We could eradicate the misconception of a Vengeful God.’
‘And all the world would go to hell,’ the social worker said.
‘How can you say that?’
The foetus waited for a reply, but none came.
Martha eventually sorted out her priorities. She shopped in Harrods and Selfridges and Liberty’s. She became adept at slotting things of all conceivable shapes and sizes into her belly. Unfortunately, the foetus himself was growing quite large. After being unable to fit in a spice rack, Martha unzipped and addressed him directly. ‘Is there any possibility,’ she asked, ‘that I might be able to take you out prematurely so that there’d be more room in there?’
The foetus stared back smugly. ‘I’ll come out,’ he said firmly, ‘when I’m good and ready.’
Before she could zip up, he added, ‘And when I do come out, I’m going to give you the longest and most painful labour in Real-Life history. I’m going to come out sideways, doing the can-can.’
Martha’s hand paused, momentarily, above the zipper. ‘Promise to come out very quickly,’ she said, ‘and I’ll nick you some baby clothes.’
The foetus snorted in a derisory fashion. ‘Revolutionaries,’ he said, ‘don’t wear baby clothes. Steal me a gun, though, and I’ll fire it through your spleen.’
Martha zipped up quickly, shocked at this vindictive little bundle of vituperation she was unfortunate enough to be carrying. She smoked an entire packet of Marlboro in one sitting, and smirked, when she unzipped, just slightly, at the coughing which emerged.
The foetus decided that he had no option but to rely on his own natural wit and guile to foil both his mother and the forces of the After-Life. He began to secrete various items that Martha stole in private little nooks and crannies about her anatomy.
On the last night of his thirty-sixth week, he put his plan into action. In his arsenal: an indelible pen, a potato, a large piece of cotton from the hem of a dress, a thin piece of wire from the supports of a bra, all craftily reassembled. In the dead of night, while Martha was snoring, he gradually worked the zip open from the inside, and did what he had to do.
The following morning, blissfully unaware of the previous night’s activities, Martha went out shopping to Marks and Spencer’s. She picked up some Belgian chocolates and a bottle of port, took hold of her zipper and tried to open her belly. It wouldn’t open. The zipper seemed smaller and more difficult to hold.
‘That bastard,’ she muttered, ‘must be jamming it up from the inside.’ She put down her booty and headed for the exit. On her way out of the shop, she set off the alarms.
‘For Chrissakes!’ she told the detective, ‘I’ve got nothing on me!’ And for once, she meant it.
Back home, Martha attacked her belly with a pair of nail scissors. But the zip wasn’t merely jammed, it was meshing and merging and disappearing, fading like the tail end of a bruise. She was frazzled. She looked around for her cigarettes. She found her packet and opened it. The last couple had gone, and instead, inside, was a note.
Martha, [the note said] I have made good my escape, fully intact. I sewed a pillow into your belly. On the wall of your womb I’ve etched and inked an indelible bar-code. Thanks for the fags.
Love, Baby.
‘But you can’t do that!’ Martha yelled. ‘You don’t have the technology!’ She thought she heard a chuckle, behind her. She span around. On the floor, under the table, she saw a small lump of afterbirth, tied up into a neat parcel by an umbilical cord. She could smell a whiff of cigarette smoke. She thought she heard laughter, outside the door, down the hall. She listened intently, but heard nothing more.
G-String
Ever fallen out with somebody simply because they agreed with you? Well, this is exactly what happened to Gillian and her pudgy but reliable long-term date, Mr Kip.
They lived separately in Canvey Island. Mr Kip ran a small but flourishing insurance business there. Gillian worked for a car-hire firm in Grays Thurrock. She commuted daily.
Mr Kip – he liked to be called that, an affectation, if you will – was an ardent admirer of the great actress Katharine Hepburn. She was skinny and she was elegant and she was sparky and she was intelligent. Everything a girl should be. She was old now, too, Gillian couldn’t help thinking, but naturally she didn’t want to appear a spoilsport so she kept her lips sealed.
Gillian was thirty-four, a nervous size sixteen, had no cheekbones to speak of and hair which she tried to perm. God knows she tried. She was the goddess of frizz. She frizzed but she did not fizz. She was not fizzy like Katharine. At least, that’s what Mr Kip told her.
Bloody typical, isn’t it? When a man chooses to date a woman, long term, who resembles his purported heroine in no way whatsoever? Is it safe? Is it cruel? Is it downright simple-minded?
Gillian did her weekly shopping in Southend. They had everything you needed there. Of course there was the odd exception: fishing tackle, seaside mementos, insurance, underwear. These items she never failed to purchase in Canvey Island itself, just to support local industry.
A big night out was on the cards. Mr Kip kept telling her how big it would be. A local Rotary Club do, and Gillian was to be Mr Kip’s special partner, he was to escort her, in style. He was even taking the cloth off his beloved old Aston Martin for the night to drive them there and back. And he’d never deigned to do that before. Previously he’d only ever taken her places in his H-reg Citroën BX.
Mr Kip told Gillian that she was to buy a new frock for this special occasion. Something, he imagined, like that glorious dress Katharine Hepburn wore during the bar scene in her triumph, Bringing Up Baby.
Dutifully, Gillian bought an expensive dress in white chiffon which didn’t at all suit her. Jeanie – twenty-one with doe eyes, sunbed-brown and weighing in at ninety pounds – told Gillian that the dress made her look like an egg-box. All lumpyhumpy. It was her underwear, Jeanie informed her – If only! Gillian thought – apparently it was much too visible under the dress’s thin fabric. Jeanie and Gillian were conferring in The Lace Bouquet, the lingerie shop on Canvey High Street where Jeanie worked.
‘I tell you what,’ Jeanie offered, ‘all in one lace bodysuit, right? Stretchy stuff. No bra. No knickers. It’ll hold you in an’ everything.’ Jeanie held up the prospective item. Bodysuits, Gillian just knew, would not be Mr Kip’s idea of sophisticated. She shook her head. She looked down at her breasts. ‘I think I’ll need proper support,’ she said, grimacing.
Jeanie screwed up her eyes and chewed at the tip of her thumb. ‘Bra and pants, huh?’
‘I think so.’
Although keen not to incur Jeanie’s wrath, Gillian picked out the kind of bra she always wore, in bright, new white, and a pair of matching briefs.
Jeanie ignored the bra. It was functional. Fair enough. But the briefs she held aloft and proclaimed, ‘Passion killers.’
‘They’re tangas,’ Gillian said, defensively, proud of knowing the modern technical term for the cut-away pant. ‘They’re brief briefs.’
Jeanie snorted. ‘No one wears these things any more, Gillian. There’s enough material here to launch a sailboat.’
Jeanie picked up something that resembled an obscenely elongated garter and proffered it to Gillian. Gillian took hold of the scrap.
‘What’s this?’
‘G-string.’
‘My God, girls wear these in Dave Lee Roth videos.’
‘Who’s that?’ Jeanie asked, sucking in her cheeks, insouciant.
‘They aren’t practical,’ Gillian said.
Jeanie’s eyes narrowed. ‘These are truly modern knickers,’ she said. ‘These are what everyone wears now. And I’ll tell you for why. No visible pantie line!’
Gillian didn’t dare inform her that material was the whole point of a pantie. Wasn’t it?
Oh hell, Gillian thought, shifting on Mr Kip’s Aston Martin’s leather seats, maybe I should’ve worn it in for a few days first. It felt like her G-string was making headway from between her buttocks up into her throat. She felt like a leg of lamb, trussed up with cheese wire. Now she knew how a horse felt when offered a new bit and bridle for the first time.
‘Wearing hairspray?’ Mr Kip asked, out of the blue.
‘What?’
‘If you are,’ he said, ever careful, ‘then don’t lean your head back on to the seat. It’s real leather and you may leave a stain.’
Gillian bit her lip and stopped wriggling.
‘Hope it doesn’t rain,’ Mr Kip added, keeping his hand on the gearstick in a very male way, ‘the wipers aren’t quite one hundred per cent.’
Oh, the G-string was a modern thing, but it looked so horrid! Gillian wanted to be a modern girl but when she espied her rear-end engulfing the slither of string like a piece of dental floss entering the gap between two great white molars, her heart sank down into her strappy sandals. It tormented her. Like the pain of an old bunion, it quite took off her social edge.
When Mr Kip didn’t remark favourably on her new dress; when, in fact, he drew a comparison between Gillian and the cone-shaped upstanding white napkins on the fancily made-up Rotary tables, she almost didn’t try to smile. He drank claret. He smoked a cigar and tipped ash on her. He didn’t introduce her to any of his Rotary friends. Normally, Gillian might have grimaced on through. But tonight she was a modern girl in torment and this kind of behaviour quite simply would not do.
Of course she didn’t actually say anything. Mr Kip finally noticed Gillian’s distress during liqueurs.
‘What’s got into you?’
‘Headache,’ Gillian grumbled, fighting to keep her hands on her lap.
Two hours later, Mr Kip deigned to drive them home. It was raining. Gillian fastened her seatbelt. Mr Kip switched on the windscreen wipers. They drove in silence. Then all of a sudden, wheeeuwoing! One of the wipers flew off the windscreen and into a ditch. Mr Kip stopped the car. He reversed. He clambered out to look for the wiper, but because he wore glasses, drops of rain impaired his vision.
It was a quiet road. What the hell. Mr Kip told Gillian to get out and look for it.
‘In my white dress?’ Gillian asked, quite taken aback.
Fifteen minutes later, damp, mussed, muddy, Gillian finally located the wiper. Mr Kip fixed it back on, but when he turned the relevant switch on the dash, neither of the wipers moved. He cursed like crazy.
‘Well, that’s that,’ he said, and glared at Gillian like it was her fault completely. They sat and sat. It kept right on raining.
Finally Gillian couldn’t stand it a minute longer. ‘Give me your tie,’ she ordered. Mr Kip grumbled but did as she’d asked. Gillian clambered out of the car and attached the tie to one of the wipers.
‘OK,’ she said, trailing the rest of the tie in through Mr Kip’s window. ‘Now we need something else. Are you wearing a belt?’
Mr Kip shook his head.
‘Something long and thin,’ Gillian said, ‘like a rope.’
Mr Kip couldn’t think of anything.
‘Shut your eyes,’ Gillian said. Mr Kip shut his eyes, but after a moment, naturally, he peeped.
And what a sight! Gillian laboriously freeing herself from some panties which looked as bare and sparse and confoundedly stringy as a pirate’s eye patch.
‘Good gracious!’ Mr Kip exclaimed. ‘You could at least have worn some French knickers or cami-knickers or something proper. Those are preposterous!’
Gillian turned on him. ‘I’ve really had it with you, Colin,’ she snarled, ‘with your silly, affected, old-fashioned car and clothes and everything.’
From her bag Gillian drew out her Swiss Army Knife and applied it with gusto to the plentiful elastic on her G-string. Then she tied one end to the second wiper and pulled the rest around and through her window. ‘Right,’ she said, ‘start up the engine.’
Colin Kip did as he was told. Gillian manipulated the wipers manually; left, right, left, right. All superior and rhythmical and practical and dour-faced.
Mr Kip was very impressed. He couldn’t help himself. After several minutes of driving in silence he took his hand off the gearstick and slid it on to Gillian’s lap.
‘Watch it,’ Gillian said harshly. ‘Don’t you dare provoke me, Colin. I haven’t put my Swiss Army Knife away yet.’
She felt the pressure of his hand leave her thigh. She was knickerless. She was victorious. She was a truly modern female.
The Three Button Trick
Jack had won Carrie’s heart with that old three button trick.
At the genesis of every winter, Jack would bring out his sturdy but ancient grey duffel coat and massage the toggles gently with the tips of his fingers. He’d pick off any fluff or threads from its rough fabric, brush it down vigorously with the flat of his hand and then gradually ease his way into it. One arm, two arms, shift it on to his shoulders, balance it right – the tips of the sleeves both perfectly level with each wrist – then straighten the collar.
Finally, the toggles. The most important part. He’d do them one-handed, pretending, even to himself, some kind of casualness, a studied – if fallacious – preoccupation, his eyes unfocused, imagining, for example, how it felt when he was a small boy learning to tell the time. His father had shown him: ten past, quarter past, see the little hand? See the big hand? But he hadn’t learned. It simply didn’t click.
So Jack’s mother took over instead. She had her own special approach. The way she saw it, any child would learn anything if they thought there was something in it for them: a kiss or a toy or a cookie.
Jack’s mother baked Jack a Clock Cake. Each five-minute interval on the cake’s perimeter was marked with a tangy, candied, lemon segment. The first slice was taken from the midday or midnight point at the very top of the cake and extended to the first lemon segment on the right, which, Jack learned, signified five minutes past the hour. ‘If the little hand is on the twelve,’ his mother told him, ‘then your slice takes the big hand to five minutes past twelve.’
Jack wrinkled up his nose. ‘How about if I have a ten past twelve slice?’ he suggested.
He got what he’d asked for.
Jack was born in Wisconsin but moved to London in his early twenties and got a job as a theatrical producer. He’d already worked extensively off-off Broadway. He met Carrie waiting for a bus on a Sunday afternoon outside the National Portrait Gallery. It was the winter of 1972. He was wearing his duffel coat.
Carrie was a blonde who wore her hair in big curls, had milk-pudding skin and breasts like a roomy verandah on the front of her body’s smart Georgian townhouse frame. Close up she smelled like a bowl of Multi-flavoured Cheerios.
Before Jack had even smelled her, though, he smiled at her. She smiled in return, glanced away – as girls are wont to do – and then glanced back again. Just as he’d hoped, her eyes finally settled on the toggles on his coat. She pointed. She grinned. ‘Your buttons . . .’
‘Huh?’
‘The buttons on your coat. You’ve done them up all wrong.’
He looked down and pretended surprise. ‘I have?’
Jack held his hands aloft, limply, gave her a watery smile but made no attempt to righten them. Carrie, in turn, put her hand to her curls. She imagined that Jack must be enormously clever to be so vague. Maybe a scientist or a schoolteacher at a boys’ private school or maybe a philosophy graduate. Not for a moment did it dawn on her that he might be a fool. And that was sensible, because he was no fool.
Carrie met Sydney two decades later, while attending self-defence classes. Sydney had long, auburn ringlets and freckles and glasses. She was Australian. Her father owned a vineyard just outside Brisbane. Sydney was a sub-editor on a bridal magazine. She was strong and bare and shockingly independent. On the back of her elbows, Carrie noticed, the skin was especially thick and in the winter she had to apply Vaseline to this area because otherwise her skin chapped and cracked and became inflamed. The reason, Sydney informed Carrie, that her elbows got so chapped, was that she was very prone to resting her weight on them when she sat at her desk, and also, late at night, when she lay in bed reading or thinking, sometimes for hours.
Sydney was thirty years old and an insomniac. Had been since puberty. As a teenager she’d kept busy during the long night hours memorizing the type-of-grape in the type-of-wine, from-which-vineyard and of-what-vintage. Also she collected wine labels which she stuck into a special jotter.
Nowadays, however, she’d spend her wakeful night-times thinking about broader subjects: men she met, men she fancied, men she’d dated, men she’d two-timed, and if none of these subjects seemed pertinent or topical – during the dry season, as she called it – well, then she’d think about her friends and their lives and how her life connected with theirs and what they both wanted and what they were doing wrong and how and why.
Carrie appreciated Sydney’s attentiveness. If Jack had been working late, if Jack kept mentioning the name of an actress, if Jack told her that her skin looked sallow or her roots were showing, well, then she would tell Sydney about it and Sydney would spend the early hours of every morning, resting on her elbows and mulling it all over.
Sydney had a suspicion that Jack was up to something anti-matrimonial and had hinted as much to Carrie. Hinted, but nothing more. Carrie, however, took only what she wanted from Sydney’s observations and left the rest. In conversational terms, she was a fussy eater.
Jack walked out on Carrie after twenty-one years of marriage, two days before her forty-fourth birthday. The following night, after he’d packed up and gone, she and Sydney skipped their karate class and sat in the leisure centre’s bar instead. Sydney ordered two bottles of Bordeaux. She wasn’t in the least bit perturbed by Carrie’s predicament. In fact, she was almost pleased because she’d anticipated that this would happen a while ago and was secretly gratified by the wholesale accuracy of her prediction.
‘You’re still a babe, Carrie,’ Sydney whispered, pouring her some more wine. ‘You could have any man.’
‘I don’t want any man,’ Carrie whimpered. ‘I only want Jack. Only Jack. Only him.’
‘That guy Alan,’ Sydney noted, ‘who takes the Judo class. I know he likes you. Sometimes it seems like his eyes are stuck to your tits with adhesive.’
‘Please!’
‘It’s true.’
‘Jack only walked out yesterday, Sydney, probably for a girl fifteen years my junior. You really think I care about anything else at the moment?’
Sydney had great legs; long and lithe and small-kneed. Gazelle legs, llama legs. She crossed them.
‘I’m simply observing that Jack isn’t the only shark in the ocean.’
Carrie took a tissue from her sports bag and dusted her cheeks with it.
‘I remember the very first time I ever met Jack, waiting for a bus outside the National Portrait Gallery. A Sunday afternoon. He had his coat buttoned up all wrong and I pointed it out to him and we started talking . . .’ Carrie stopped speaking and hiccuped.
Sydney chewed her bottom lip. That old three button trick, she was thinking. The slimy bastard.
‘You know, Carrie,’ she said sweetly. ‘You’re still so beautiful. You’re still the biggest lily in the pond. You’re still floating on the surface and bright enough to catch the attention of any insect or amphibian that might just happen to be passing.’ She paused. ‘Even a heron,’ she added, as an afterthought.
Carrie scrabbled in her sports bag. She grabbed her purse, opened it, took out a twenty-pound note to pay the barman for the bottles of wine.
‘My treat,’ Sydney interjected.
Carrie paid him anyway. She was about to shut her purse but then paused and delved inside it.
‘Look,’ she said, her voice trembling, holding aloft a blue card.
Sydney put out her hand. ‘What is it?’
‘Our season ticket to the ballet. We went every week. It was one of those routines . . .’
‘Well,’ Sydney took the ticket and perused it, ‘you shall go to the ball, Cinders.’
‘What?’
‘You and me. We’ll go together. When is it?’
‘Wednesday.’
Sydney handed the card back. ‘Fine.’
As it turned out, Sydney couldn’t make it. She rang Carrie at the last minute. Carrie answered the phone wrapped up in a towel, pink from a hot bath.
‘What? You can’t make it?’
‘But I want you to go, anyway. Find someone else.’
‘There is no one else. It doesn’t matter, though. I wasn’t really in the mood myself.’
‘Carrie, you’ve got to go. Alone if needs be. It’s the principle of the thing.’
‘I know, but it’s just . . .’
‘What?’
‘It’s kind of like a regular box and we share it with some other people and if I go alone . . .’
‘So? That’s great. It means you won’t feel entirely isolated, which is ideal.’
‘And then there’s this fat old man called Heinz who’s always there. A complete bore. We really hate him.’
‘Heinz?’
‘Yes. Jack always found him such a pain. We even tried to get a transfer . . .’
‘Bollocks. Just go. Ignore him. What’s the ballet?’
‘Petrushka.’
‘Yip!’
‘I’ve seen it before. It’s not one of my particular favourites.’
‘Go anyway. You’ve got to start forging your own path, Carrie. You’ll thank me after. Honestly.’
She’d made a special effort, with her hair and her make-up. She was wearing a dress that she’d bought for the previous Christmas. It was a glittery burgundy colour. Her lips matched. The box was empty when she arrived. She felt stupid. She sat down.
After five minutes, a couple she knew only to say hello to arrived and took their seats. They smiled and nodded at Carrie. She did the same in return. She then paged through her programme and pretended that she wasn’t overhearing their conversation about the kind of conseratory they should build on to the back of their house. He wanted a big one that could fit a table to seat at least six. She wanted a small, bright retreat full of orchids and tomato plants.
Carrie kept reading and re-reading the names of the principal dancers. The orchestra’s preparatory honking and parping jangled in her throat and with her nerves. She closed her eyes. I will count to ten. One, two, three, four . . .
‘Ooof! Here we go, here we go!’
Heinz, squeezing his way over to his seat, pushing his considerable bulk between the two rows of chairs.
‘Oi! Hup! There we are.’
Carrie opened her eyes and stared at him. He had a box of chocolate brazils in one hand and a bulging Selfridges bag in the other, which he almost, but couldn’t quite, fit into the gap between his knees and the front of the box.
Carrie’s gut rumbled her antipathy. He smelled, always – as Jack had noted on many an occasion – of wine gums and Deep Heat. An old smell. He must have been in his eighties, wore a grey-brown toupee and weighed in, she guessed, like a prize bull, at around three hundred and twenty pounds.
Carrie converted this weight into stone and then back again to occupy herself.
Heinz nodded at her. She nodded back. He always wore a sludge-coloured bow tie. It hung like a shiny little brown turd, poised under his chin.
Heinz endeavoured, with a great harrumphing, to find adequate room by his knees for his bag. ‘Uh-oh! Uh-oh!’
Carrie gritted her teeth.
‘If you haven’t room for your shopping, this chair is empty.’ She indicated Jack’s empty seat which separated them.
‘Empty? Really? That lovely man of yours isn’t with you tonight? Empty, you say?’ He wheezed as he spoke, like an asthmatic Persian feline, which made his German accent even more pronounced.
You’d think, Carrie speculated, that a wheeze would take the hard edges off a German accent, but you’d be wrong to think so.
‘Would you mind’ – close to her ear – ‘if I sat next to you and put my bag on the other seat?’
My God! Carrie thought, fixing her eyes on the stage curtains and breathing a sigh of relief at their preliminary twitchings.
‘Brazil?’
Ten minutes in, Heinz was whispering to her.
‘What?’
‘Brazil? Go on. Have one.’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Go on!’
‘No. I don’t actually like brazils. Nuts give me hives.’
Heinz closed the box and rested it on his lap.
During the intermission, Heinz regaled Carrie with tales about the relative exclusivity of the Turner and Booker prizes. He liked the opera, it turned out, especially Mozart. He found camomile tea to be excellent for sleeplessness. He was a widower of seven years.
Carrie noticed how the box’s other regulars smiled at her sympathetically whenever they caught her eye. It was odd, really, because actually, with increased acquaintance, Heinz wasn’t all that bad. In fact, if anything, he’d made her the centre of attention in the box. The focus, the axis. She felt rather like Princess Margaret opening a day care centre in Fulham.
As the safety curtain rose for the second half, Heinz was telling Carrie how he’d just been to Selfridges to buy a cappuccino maker. He loved everything Italian. He’d been stationed there during the war.
As the stage curtains closed, Heinz mopped something from the corner of his eye and muttered gutturally, ‘Poor, poor old Petrushka!’
During the curtain calls Heinz told Carrie that he often felt that it was sadder to be a sad puppet than a sad person.
‘Pardon?’
‘Petrushka, the puppet. Sometimes it feels like the ballet is sadder because he is a puppet and not a living being.’
‘Oh, right. Yes.’ Carrie finished applauding and leaned over to pick up her bag. Heinz stayed where he was.
‘How will you be getting home then, Carrie?’
‘I brought my car.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘So maybe, maybe you wouldn’t mind joining an old man for a cup of coffee somewhere before you make your way back?’
‘Uh?’ Carrie was agog.
‘Oh! Um . . .’ She thought about it for a long moment. She imagined her quiet house, her empty bed. ‘OK,’ she said cheerfully, ‘love to.’
Sydney was late for Thursday’s class so they didn’t have a chance to chat beforehand. Afterwards though, in the sauna, they had plenty of opportunity for exchanging news. Carrie wore a white towel around her essentials and sat on the lower bench. Sydney wore nothing and sat on the upper.
‘How’d it go then?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Last night.’
‘Fine.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yes.’ Carrie cleared her throat. ‘I mean, you know how it is when you do something alone for the first time when you’re accustomed to doing it with someone else . . .’
‘I guess so.’
Sydney lay down flat on her back. Whenever she lifted her shoulders or her buttocks, they stuck to the wooden boards, aided by the natural glue of her body’s moisture. The noise this made reminded Carrie of the sound of an emery board against a ragged nail.
‘Actually,’ Carrie said, grinning, ‘La Fille Mal Gardée is my favourite ballet.’
‘Really? You like an element of slapstick, huh?’
‘I suppose I must do.’
‘Myself, I prefer a tragedy. I find that tragedy best reflects my emotional and psychological state.’
Carrie turned and stared straight into Heinz’s frogspawn eyes. ‘You’re kidding.’
‘Me? Kidding? Not at all. Not at all.’
Heinz offered Carrie his family-size box of Maltesers.
‘Thanks.’
Carrie took one and popped it into her mouth. ‘That’s the strangest part . . .’ she said, chewing and enjoying the sensation of chocolate and malt on her tongue. ‘I’ve been to four ballets with you and never for a moment did I think you seemed like a sad or a dissatisfied person.’
It was the interval. Heinz and Carrie were propping up the theatre bar. Heinz had discovered that Carrie’s favourite winter tipple was port and lemon. He’d taken to ordering her one before the show. This meant they didn’t have to wait to be served during the intermission.
Heinz smiled at Carrie. ‘You see the best in everyone.’
‘Maybe I’m just insensitive.’
‘You? Insensitive? Never. You’re an angel.’
A man standing just to Carrie’s left turned and stared at them. Carrie caught his eye. His expression was a mixture of amusement and confusion. Carrie took a sip of her drink. People were so funny, the way they stared. Their quizzical expressions. It had begun to dawn on her that when she was out with Heinz she became a puzzle. She became mysterious.
Alone, at home, in life, she felt like something dried-up, wrung-out and innocuous. Out with Heinz, she felt like she was transformed into something much less explicable.
Heinz was bossy and opinionated but he wasn’t entirely unobservant. He rolled his eyes at Carrie. ‘Probably thinks you’re my daughter.’
Carrie shrugged. ‘And I could be too, easily.’
Carrie often found Heinz to be genuinely perceptive. At their second ballet together he’d said, ‘And your husband . . . ?’
To which she’d responded, ‘I don’t ever want to talk about him.’
‘Very well.’
And they’d never spoken about him since. It was almost like, Carrie decided, Jack had never even existed.
Sydney was plaiting her hair, trying, but failing, to include the front bang-like bits into the weave so that they didn’t keep falling into her eyes. Their class was due to start at any minute. Carrie stood behind her, scowling to herself, intensely discomfited.
‘I was only saying,’ Sydney observed, still plaiting, ‘that it seems a bit strange for you not to want me to come with you when you said yourself on several occasions that there was a spare ticket going begging.’
‘There is a spare ticket,’ Carrie said, caught distinctly off her guard. ‘It’s only that next week I promised someone else . . .’
‘Who?’
‘A friend called Sue,’ Carrie said, too quickly, and then widened her eyes when she’d finished speaking as if the words she’d just uttered were indigestible.
‘Who?’
‘I told you about her, surely? She’s the one who thinks I should open my own interior design shop.’
‘Sue?’
‘Yes. Remember? I said I was thinking about starting work again, now that Jack’s gone. The money’s tight and everything.’
‘Interior design? That’s the first I’ve heard of it. How could you afford to open an interior design shop? You don’t know anything about retail . . .’
Sydney finished her plaiting and turned to face Carrie. Carrie’s cheeks were red, she noted, and she was scratching her neck as though she’d been bitten.
‘It was just an idea.’
‘Where would you get the money from to start a business with? You’re broke.’
‘I know.’
‘Interior design, you said?’
Carrie nodded.
‘Sue? Sue who?’
Carrie blinked and then swallowed. ‘The Sue who’s coming to the ballet with me next week. We were at school together. I surely must’ve mentioned her before.’
‘No.’
People had started to filter their way gradually into the gym. Carrie pointed, ‘I think the class is due to start.’
‘OK, next time.’
‘Pardon?’
Sydney smiled. ‘Next time I want to come with you, so make sure you keep the ticket spare, all right?’
‘Yes. Fine.’
Sydney led the way. Carrie looked down at her trainers and silently incanted a Hail Mary.
They’d become so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn’t noticed everyone else going back inside. Carrie was so engrossed in what Heinz was saying that she almost hadn’t noticed his hand on her shoulder. Almost.
‘What else do I have to spend my money on? Huh? There’s nothing. I want for nothing. It would give me enormous pleasure to help you out.’
‘I don’t know.’ Carrie, for some reason, couldn’t stop thinking about Sydney.
‘Actually, Heinz, next time I come to the ballet I’ll be bringing someone with me . . .’
Heinz’s hand slipped from Carrie’s shoulder. His voice was suddenly flat. ‘Oh. That’s good. It seems such a shame to waste the seat every week like you do.’
‘Exactly. We go to the same evening class together.’
‘Does this person have a name?’
‘Sydney.’
‘I see. I see.’
Carrie noticed that Heinz’s face was pale and doughy. ‘Is something wrong?’
‘Nothing at all. Nothing.’
Carrie continued to stare at Heinz. Was he all right? He didn’t look it. She suddenly became nervous and she didn’t know why. She started to babble. ‘She’s Australian. I had to invite her. She asked.’
Heinz put his hand to his bow tie. ‘She’s a girl?’
‘Yes.’
Carrie watched with ill-concealed amazement as Heinz burst out laughing. He laughed so hard and loud that his toupee slipped. Then he plucked it from his forehead with his meaty hand, tossed it into the air with a great whoop and then caught it, just as deftly.
The sauna. Sydney sat bolt upright, her eyes as wide as saucers, each hand enfolding a single breast as though her amazement endangered them in some way.
‘You’re sleeping with this guy?’
Carrie’s towel was wrapped as tight as it could be but still she hitched it closer. ‘Not exactly. I didn’t spend the night . . .’
‘You fucked this man?’
‘Please! He’s eighty-three!’
‘Exactly! He’s eighty-fucking-three and you shagged him. My God! How did this happen? How does it happen that an attractive forty-four-year-old woman, in her prime, great body, big hair, the lot, shags an eighty-three-year-old man who she was the first to admit . . .’
‘It wasn’t . . .’
‘Who she was the first to admit is the fattest and most boring old loudmouth in the whole damn universe. How? Huh?’
‘Sydney! Please . . .’
‘Jesus, I can just imagine it.’
‘Imagine what?’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘Don’t!’
‘Guess what I’m visualizing, Carrie. I am visualizing this grey slug of a man with an enormous pale belly and a tiny penis like a party-time Mars Bar hanging down below . . .’
‘Stop it!’
Carrie was on the brink of crying. She was so ashamed. It wasn’t even the act, the fact of it, that shamed her, only Sydney’s perception of it and then her perception of it as a result of Sydney’s. That was all. And if Sydney hadn’t insisted on the second ballet ticket it would never have been a problem, she could have hidden it. She could have pretended . . .
‘He must be loaded.’
‘What?’
‘Money. Why else would you want him? Is he loaded? Is he going to, maybe, give you a little bit of money to start off your interior design business? Is that it?’
Carrie was mortified. ‘It isn’t like that at all!’
‘No? How is it then?’
‘I don’t know!’ Carrie started crying.
Sydney was unmoved. She said softly, ‘You know, I kept thinking you were taking this whole Jack thing too well.’
‘I don’t want to talk about Jack!’
‘What would Jack think, huh? What would Jack actually think if he knew what you were doing?’
Carrie stood up, covered her cheeks with her hands, bolted out of the sauna, through the changing rooms and into the showers. There she turned the tap to cold, ripped off her towel and pushed her burning face into the jet.
Sydney crossed her llama legs at the knee and then dialled Jack’s number.
‘Hi Jack. It’s Sydney.’
‘Sydney? Well, hello. What can I do for you?’
‘I want to see you. It’s about Carrie.’
After Jack had put down the phone, he picked up his duffel coat and brushed it off. He was keenly looking forward to a cold snap.
It was a nightmare. Just as she’d imagined. Heinz wore his toupee and his turd-coloured tie. He kept regaling them with terrible stories about his late wife’s beloved red setter which had died – following several years of chronic incontinence – after swallowing a cricket ball. Carrie supposed that he must be nervous. Poor lamb.
Sydney was horribly polite. She kept staring at Heinz’s stomach as she spoke to him, like she expected, at any minute, that something might explode out of it.
When Carrie drove her home, she didn’t talk for the first ten minutes of the journey. She merely said, ‘Carrie. Leave me. I have to digest.’
Carrie left her. Eventually, after she’d digested sufficiently, Sydney said, ‘He belched throughout the ballet. It was like sitting next to an old pair of bellows. Christ, the orchestra should recruit him for the wind section.’
Carrie’s heart sank. ‘He wasn’t belching. He swallowed a toffee too quickly. It went down the wrong way. He kept apologizing.’
‘And that fucking dog! His dead wife’s dead fucking dog! Does he really think I’m interested in how they fed it a diet of fresh chicken to try and quell its chronic flatulence? Are you interested, Carrie? Huh?’
‘No.’
‘Pardon?’
‘No! No, I’m not interested. I’m not.’
‘And I just can’t believe . . .’
‘What?’ Carrie tried to keep her eyes on the road, but Sydney’s expression . . . ‘What?!’
‘The two of you . . .’
‘What?’
Sydney’s eyes were glued to the road ahead. It was starting to rain. Carrie turned on the windscreen wipers just in time with Sydney’s next pronouncement.
‘Fucking.’
Carrie said nothing. They both stared at the road. Eventually Sydney turned her eyes towards Carrie. ‘Well?’
Carrie said nothing. She focused on the road and the wipers and the rain and the way that the light from the streetlamps reflected in the drops of water on the windscreen before each harsh stroke brushed it away. Where do they go? She wondered. Where do those moments go? The rain falling in just such a way, the light, the wiper. Something there and then something gone.
Sydney found she was boiling. Not hot, but something inside. What else could she do? What else could she say? Carrie had closed down, shut up, like a clam. Sydney cursed herself. She was too impetuous. Too quick to judge. If only she’d tried to be nice, to be supportive. Maybe then Carrie might have provided her with some details. Something to ponder, to mull over, fat to chew on. Damn! Sydney crossed her arms, stared at the road, boiled.
‘I got your number from the book,’ Heinz said.
‘Didn’t I give it you?’
‘No.’
‘I should’ve.’
‘She didn’t like me.’
‘No. Actually, I think she really hated you.’
‘Sometimes I can be overwhelming. It’s a fault of mine. I know that. But I am simply myself. When you get old . . .’
‘You tried your best.’
‘But did I? One tends to forget how it is to . . . uh . . . to play the game.’
‘Never mind.’
‘Can I see you?’
‘Pardon?’
‘Tonight?’
Carrie rubbed her eyes with her spare hand. ‘I only just got in. It’s raining outside . . .’
‘Tomorrow?’
Sydney lay on her stomach and rested the weight of her head on her hands. What was wrong? It was just . . . she couldn’t imagine. Carrie and that fat old man. My God! She just couldn’t picture it. Not properly. Not graphically. She rolled on to her back. Couldn’t imagine. But my Lord, my Lord, how she longed to!
Sydney stared at Jack’s buttons. Jack pretended not to notice. Sydney sighed.
‘Jack,’ she said, ‘you haven’t a hope in hell of winning me over with that old three button trick.’
Jack’s eyes blinked and then widened. ‘What do you mean, ma’am?’
‘Nor that Courtly American Gentleman shite.’
Jack scowled. ‘What’s the axe you’ve got to grind, Sydney?’ he asked, not charming any longer.
‘No axe,’ Sydney said. ‘I just thought you should know
. . .’She paused. What did she want to say, exactly? Would she tell Jack about Heinz? She looked into Jack’s face and knew that the notion of an eighty-odd-year-old man sleeping with his wife was hardly going to incite him to jealousy.
‘Is it Carrie?’ Jack asked.
‘Yep.’ Sydney rubbed the corner of her eyes.
‘You look washed out,’ he said.
‘Tired. Haven’t been sleeping.’
‘Really?’
Sydney uncrossed her legs. ‘Carrie’s got someone new.’
Jack looked surprised. ‘Already?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Who?’
Sydney cleared her throat. ‘Someone she’s known for a while.’
‘She met them at the gym? Who is it? Do I know them?’
Sydney shrugged. ‘That’s not the point.’
‘So I do know them?’
‘I didn’t say you knew them.’
‘Are they younger than me?’
Sydney squirmed. ‘I just thought . . .’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
Sydney picked up her briefcase. ‘Not for any reason, really.’ She frowned and then asked out loud. ‘Why am I telling you? I don’t know.’ She stood up. ‘That three button thing you do,’ she said finally, ‘I just wanted to tell you that it’s a real cheap trick.’
Half a bottle of Jim Beam later, it finally clicked. The only thing that made sense. Carrie was having an affair with Sydney. And Sydney was terrified of what exactly his response might be. She was intimidated by him. She was threatened. Naturally. And she’d really wanted to tell him too, to throw it in his face, debilitate him. Only then . . . only then she just didn’t have the nerve. That was it! Had to be. Carrie and Sydney. Sydney and Carrie. Wow.
‘You won’t believe this, Sydney. Something so odd happened . . .’ They were pulling on their leotards and tying up their laces.
‘Try me.’
‘Jack rang. He left a message on the machine. He wants to drop by. On Wednesday.’
Sydney pulled the bow stiff on her lace. She straightened up.
‘But Wednesday!’ she exclaimed. ‘Isn’t that ballet night?’
Carrie looked uneasy, momentarily, like she didn’t know quite what Sydney was getting at. ‘Uh, yes . . .’
‘So you won’t be needing your tickets?’
‘I suppose not, unless . . .’
‘So I could have them both, maybe?’
‘You?’
‘Yeah. I quite got a taste for it the other night. How about it, huh?’
Heinz started when he saw her. He wondered whether Carrie had come with her but had popped to the Ladies for some reason, or to the bar. He squeezed his way over to his seat.
‘Hello there.’
Sydney looked up. ‘Oh, hi. How are you?’
‘Not too bad. Not too bad at all.’
He sat down, adjusted his position, pulled at his little bow tie which constricted him, reached into his jacket pocket and pulled from its depths a Cadbury’s Chocolate Orange. He unwrapped the foil and offered the orange to Sydney.
‘Dark chocolate,’ he said.
Sydney tried to pull off a slice but it wouldn’t come loose. Heinz intervened, knocked at the chocolate orange with the centre of his palm and then offered it her again.
‘Thanks,’ Sydney said, smiling, showing him what fine, straight teeth she had and just how sweet and obliging she could be.
Jack had brought flowers. Lilies. Her favourites.
‘Look, Carrie, I met up with Sydney the other day.’
Carrie was putting the flowers in water, but preparing each stem first by slicing an inch off the bottom at a sharp angle. That way, she knew, the flower could drink so much more.
‘Sydney?’
‘Yeah.’
‘She didn’t mention it.’
‘No?’
Jack was actually relieved. He’d been worried in case Sydney might have blotted his copybook with Carrie by suggesting things about him, by exaggerating or maligning. Sydney could bitch with the best when she felt the urge. She was dangerous.
‘Let me tell you something,’ Jack said, leaning his back up against one of the kitchen cupboards.
‘What?’ Carrie was wide-eyed and restless. What had Sydney said? Had she been indiscreet? Had she mentioned Heinz?
‘I know what’s been going on,’ Jack said, ‘and I’m here to tell you that I don’t care. I’ve given it some thought . . .’
‘What do you know?’
‘About you and Sydney.’
‘What about us?’
He put out both his hands. ‘Just tell me,’ he said, ‘that it’s over. Because my suitcase,’ he couldn’t hide his smile, ‘my suitcase, darling, is lying packed in the boot of my car.’
‘I’ll tell you something else,’ Sydney said, lounging on Heinz’s sofa and drinking her fourth martini.
‘What?’
Heinz was sitting on his comfy chair sipping a cup of tea.
‘I went and saw Jack the other day, right? A private tête à tête, and he came into the café where we’d arranged to meet with the buttons on his coat done up all . . .’ Sydney made a higgledy-piggledy movement with her hands, ‘like so . . .’
‘He’s missing her?’ Heinz interjected, almost sympathetic.
‘No. Not at all. That’s my point. It’s the three button trick.’
‘The what?’
‘Men do it. Some men. To make them look . . .’ she burped, ‘vul-ner-a-ble. And this is the best bit . . .’ She put her hand over her mouth. ‘Pardon me.’
‘The best bit?’
‘Yeah. Turns out, he only pulled that trick the very first time he ever spoke to Carrie. 1972. Outside the National Portrait Gallery. Took her in completely. Beguiled her, absolutely. And there he was, large as life, trying it on with me!’
‘Did you tell her?’
Sydney knocked back the rest of her drink. ‘Who?’
‘Carrie.’
‘Nope. Seemed a shame.’
Heinz nodded.
‘Nice flat,’ Sydney said, looking around her.
‘It suits me well enough.’
‘Come and sit over here.’ Sydney patted the sofa to her left. ‘Come on.’
Heinz smiled. ‘I am perfectly comfortable where I am, thank you.’
Sydney stared at him, balefully. ‘What’s wrong?’
Outside the sound of a faint car horn was just audible.
‘Nothing is wrong,’ Heinz said, pushing his great bulk up from his comfy chair and walking over to the window. While his back was turned, Sydney unbuttoned the grey silk shirt she was wearing and took it off. Heinz turned and said, ‘I think that’s your cab.’
‘Huh?’
‘Outside.’
‘What cab?’
‘I called for one a little while back.’
‘A cab? Can’t I stay here?’
‘What for?’
Sydney started grinning but only half her mouth worked properly. ‘Sex, stupid.’
Heinz picked up Sydney’s pale silk shirt from the arm of the sofa and handed it to her. ‘I’m eighty-three years old,’ he said gently, ‘and entirely impotent.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Carrie asked, for the umpteenth time. ‘I can tell something’s bothering you. I only wish you’d tell me.’
Sydney had still not yet quite recovered. It was Thursday night at the gym.
‘Nothing’s wrong.’
She hadn’t been sleeping. Her elbows were hurting. She couldn’t stop thinking . . .
‘I only got out of the house tonight because Jack’s at a conference. I swore not to come here any more. He seems to have got the idea into his head that you’re some kind of . . .’ Carrie couldn’t think of the appropriate word.
Sydney was staring at Carrie with an odd expression. Either Carrie lied, she was thinking, or Heinz lied.
‘So Jack doesn’t know about Heinz yet?’
‘No.’
‘Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t get to find out, either.’
Carrie shook her head. ‘I spoke to Heinz on the phone. I explained that I didn’t want Jack knowing. He was so good about it.’
‘Knowing what?’
‘Knowing anything.’
Sydney smiled at this, and Carrie, for some reason, had cause, she sensed, to feel a sudden dart of disquiet. In her stomach. In her gut.
‘I told you not to ring me!’ Carrie exclaimed, terrified at the possibility of discovery.
‘Is it safe to talk?’
‘Jack’s in the bath. He’s listening to the cricket on the radio.’
‘You know I miss you terribly. You know that, don’t you?’
‘Heinz, there’s no point . . .’
‘But this isn’t about that. It is about your friend, Sydney.’
‘What?’
‘She keeps calling around and she also keeps writing to me. She phones me . . .’
‘Sydney?’
‘I just want you to talk to her. I simply want her to leave me in peace.’
‘My God. How odd.’
‘I miss you so much.’
Carrie’s cheeks glowed an unnaturally bright colour as she said goodbye and then gently placed down the receiver.
She waited until the last person had left the sauna. ‘Carrie,’ she said, ‘I’ve done something I think you should know about.’
‘What?’
‘I had sex with Heinz.’ She’d expected Carrie to blush or blanch. One or the other.
‘What happened?’
‘Straight sex. Nothing fancy.’
Carrie frowned, ‘I’m afraid I don’t believe you, Sydney.’
‘Why not? It’s true.’
‘He’s impotent.’
‘He isn’t. You slept with him.’
‘I didn’t sleep with him.’
‘You said you did.’
‘He’s impotent.’
‘So what . . .’
‘He’s in love with me. He’ll do anything.’
Sydney stared at Carrie, confounded. Carrie was round and soft and lily white. She seemed peculiarly full of herself.
‘So let me get this straight . . .’ Sydney said, wanting details so badly.
‘He just wants you to leave him in peace.’
‘Does Jack know yet?’ Sydney asked, knowing she was routed and turning nasty.
‘He doesn’t know.’
Carrie appeared unperturbed. Sydney shrugged. ‘Better make sure he doesn’t find out, then.’
Carrie only smiled.
‘Jack made a move on me, when we met up recently,’ Sydney said. ‘He tried that old three button trick of his.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘So you don’t even know about that one yet?’ Sydney asked. ‘Oh, you’ll just love it. It’s so cheap.’ And she set about putting Carrie straight on that particular matter.
He’d kept on nagging so in the end she’d been forced to give in to him. ‘It’s a terrible waste,’ he said, ‘to keep on leaving the seats empty.’
Anyhow, Carrie was bored of sitting at home every night with nothing to do and no proper conversation. Sometimes he mentioned the name of a new actress. Sometimes he wasn’t too tactful and inadvertently made her feel her age.
When Heinz finally entered the box, a little late, without his tie, pale-faced, dishevelled, Jack muttered, ‘Christ, I’d almost forgotten about him.’
Carrie said nothing, but she hadn’t forgotten.
Sydney was sitting on her bed and in front of her was a pile of scrap books. She opened the first one. Dry red wines from the Perth region. She touched the wine label and wondered about her mummy and her daddy. Her elbows were itchy. She reached for a tub of Vaseline. She dipped in her fingers.
Heinz had had several options: to forget about her, to confront her and tell her what a bastard Jack was, to be a kind of bastard himself. He was old. If he’d learned anything along the line, he’d learned that the little things didn’t matter, at the end of the day, but the big things mattered, and sometimes you had to compromise yourself, however slightly, to try to maintain that bigger picture.
In the interval they bumped into one another at the bar. Jack was several feet away ordering drinks. Heinz had given plenty of thought to this moment. He’d had several options available. He’d taken the cheapest. Arriving late, no tie, the business.
‘You look terrible,’ she said, glancing over towards Jack, her lips barely moving. She stared at his shirt. ‘And your buttons,’ she added, ‘are done up all wrong.’
He looked down at himself. ‘Really?’ he said, wheezing, like he’d barely noticed. But when he looked back up again his old heart began pumping.
Jack was walking over towards them holding two glasses. A whisky, a port and lemon. He was walking over. He was close and he was closer.
Carrie put out her hand and touched Heinz’s buttons. ‘Oh God,’ she said softly, ‘that stupid three button trick, you old hound,’ and her eyes started sparkling.
WESLEY
Blisters
‘Look,’ Trevor said, ‘you’ve got to serve from the back, see?’
Wesley dropped the orange he’d just picked up.
‘Put it where it was before,’ Trevor said sniffily. ‘Exactly.’
Wesley adjusted the placement of the orange. There. Just so. It was neat now. The display looked hunky-dory.
‘Let me quickly say something,’ Wesley said, as Trevor turned to go and unload some more boxes from the van.
‘What?’
‘It’s just that if you serve people from the back of the stall they immediately start thinking that what you’re giving them isn’t as good as what’s on display.’
Trevor said nothing.
‘See what I mean?’
‘So what?’
‘Well, I’m just saying that if you want to build up customer confidence then it’s a better idea to give them the fruit they can see.’
‘It’s more work that way,’ Trevor said, shoving his hands into his pockets.
‘Well, I don’t care about that,’ Wesley responded. ‘I’m the one who’ll end up having to do most of the serving while you’re running the deliveries and I don’t mind.’
Trevor gave Wesley a deep look and then shrugged and walked off to the van.
Another new job. Selling fruit off a stall on the Roman Road. Wesley was handsome and intelligent and twenty-three years old and he’d had a run of bad luck so now he was working the markets. No references needed. Actually, on the markets a bad temper was considered something of a bonus. Nobody messed you around. If they did, though, then you had to look out for yourself.
Trevor had red hair and a pierced nose. Wesley looked very strait-laced to him in his clean corduroy trousers and polo-neck jumper, and his hands were soft and he spoke too posh. What Trevor didn’t realize, however, was that Wesley had been spoilt rotten as a child so was used to getting his own way and could manipulate and wheedle like a champion if the urge took him. Wesley had yet to display to Trevor the full and somewhat questionable force of his personality.
Wesley pulled his weight. That, at least, was something, Trevor decided. After they’d packed up on their first night he invited Wesley to the pub for a drink as a sign of his good faith. Wesley said he wanted something to eat instead. So they went for pie and mash together.
Trevor had some eels and a mug of tea. Wesley ate a couple of meat pies. Wesley liked the old-fashioned tiles and the tables in the pie and mash shop. He remarked on this to Trevor. Trevor grunted.
‘My dad was in the navy,’ Wesley said, out of the blue.
‘Yeah?’
‘He taught me how to box.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Last job I had, I punched my boss in the face. He was up a ladder. I was on a roof. Broke his collar bone.’
‘You’re kidding!’ Trevor was impressed.
‘Nope.’
‘Fuck.’
‘Yeah.’
‘What did he do?’
‘Tried to prosecute.’
‘What!?’
‘I buggered off. I live my life,’ Wesley said plainly, ‘by certain rules. I’ll do my whack, but when push comes to shove, I want to be treated decent and to keep my mind free. See?’
Trevor was mystified. He ate his eels, silently.
‘I had a brother,’ Wesley said, ‘and I killed him when I was a kid. An accident and everything. But that’s made me think about things in a different way.’
‘Yeah?’ Trevor was hostile now. ‘How did you kill him?’
‘Playing.’
‘Playing what?’
‘None of your fucking business.’
Trevor’s eyebrows rose and he returned to his meal.
‘I want to do the decent thing,’ Wesley said. ‘You know? And sometimes that’ll get you into all kinds of grief.’
Trevor didn’t say anything.
‘Watch this.’
Trevor looked up. Wesley had hold of one of the meat pies. He opened his mouth as wide as he could and then pushed the pie in whole. Every last crumb. Trevor snorted. He couldn’t help it. Once Wesley had swallowed the pie he asked Jean – the woman who served part-time behind the counter – for a straw. When she gave him one, he drank a whole mug of tea through it up his left nostril.
Trevor roared with laughter. He was definitely impressed.
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