Happy Adults
Cathy Glass
Number 1 bestselling author, Cathy Glass, shares her experience and expertise gained across 25 years as a foster carer in this brilliantly practical self-help guide for adults.The long-awaited sequel to her much-loved parenting guide, that fans of Happy Kids have been clamouring for.Cathy Glass reveals the secrets of happiness and contentment in adulthood by combining common-sense psychology with tried-and-tested strategies and case studies, always from her own unique and insightful perspective. With practical guidance on how to develop your own optimistic personal philosophy, tips on when to listen to intuition, and attitude and lifestyle suggestions, Happy Adults is the essential manual for getting the best out of life.The recipient of thousands of letters and emails from readers touched by her inspirational memoirs whose own life stories resonate with those of the children in her care, Cathy has identified the key traits in happy readers that have buoyed them up during harrowing childhoods, through to functional and successful adulthood.Compiling these valuable lessons on outlook and behaviour, for instance, how to dispel negativity and unproductive anger and embrace empowerment, and the importance of trust in oneself, Cathy has produced a single invaluable handbook for adults seeking fundamental life guidance or useful effective approaches for a lifetime of hope and fulfilment.
Cathy Glass
Happy Adults
We are only limited by the extent of our imagination and no act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.
Contents
Cover (#)
Title Page
Introduction: Why?
Chapter One: Let Go of Anger
The Turning Point (#)
Chapter Two: Take Responsibility for Your Life
What You Gain from Taking Responsibility (#)
Chapter Three: Think Positively
How to Think Positively (#)
Chapter Four: Act Positively
How to Act Positively (#)
Chapter Five: Develop a Positive Philosophy
Chapter Six: Set Goals and Have a Vision
Goals (#)
How to Set and Achieve Goals (#)
Vision (#)
Chapter Seven: Look After Your Body
Diet (#)
Water (#)
Sleep (#)
Exercise (#)
How Exercise Encourages a Positive Mind (#)
Chapter Eight: Be Body Positive
Body Language (#)
Clothes (#)
General Presentation (#)
Weight (#)
Chapter Nine: Be an Optimist
How to be an Optimist (#)
Chapter Ten: Be Decisive
How to be Decisive (#)
Chapter Eleven: Use Intuition
How to Make the Best of Your Intuition (#)
Chapter Twelve: Create a Positive Environment
Home Environment (#)
How to Live with Others (#)
Work Environment (#)
Chapter Thirteen: Reduce Stress
How Not to Feel Stressed (#)
A Quick De-Stress (#)
Chapter Fourteen: Live in the Present
How to Live in the Present (#)
Chapter Fifteen: Express Your Feelings
How to Express Negative Feelings (#)
Chapter Sixteen: Become Self-Reliant
How to Become More Self-Reliant (#)
Chapter Seventeen: Develop Your Self
An Individual Development Plan (#)
A Simple Guide to Self-Development (#)
Chapter Eighteen: It’s Ok to be Sad (Sometimes)
A Happiness Boost (#)
Conclusion: I O It 2 Me
Remember
Acknowledgements
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction: Why?
Why do I think I have found the secret to achieving lasting happiness and contentment? Simply because I know my formula works. I have the proof.
Let me explain.
After the publication of my fostering memoirs, in which I tell the often harrowing stories of the children I’ve looked after, I received thousands of emails and letters from around the world. Some were from readers who had been abused as children and, having found comfort in my books, wanted to share their own stories with me. I often felt truly humbled by their courage – the strength that had allowed them to put their suffering behind them and make a success of their lives. However, although many of these adults had managed to move on from the cruelty of the past – having successful careers, enjoying loving long-term relationships and raising children – others had not.
While I truly sympathized with their ongoing pain, I began to wonder why some survivors of abuse had managed to move on with their lives and others, years later, were still suffering, stuck in a really cruel and frightening place of depression, flashbacks, mental illness, suicide attempts, personality disorders, nightmares and self-harm. Was it just luck, I wondered, that had allowed some people to overcome their suffering and achieve happiness and contentment? Or were there other factors – for example, the extent of the abuse or the amount of time that had elapsed since? I discovered it was nothing like this.
As the emails continued to pour in I also heard from readers who confided that they were unhappy with their lives for no good reason. Having read your books I know I should be grateful for my life but I seem to be fed up, bad tempered and down most of the time was typical of many of these emails.
So what was it? I wondered. What magic wand had been waved over some people’s lives to grant them happiness and contentment, and was this magic available to everyone? Could we all benefit? For even if we haven’t suffered, life can sometimes seem an uphill struggle.
The answer I discovered was yes: there was a magic being worked and it could be available to all. So I began to look more closely to find a way to harness it.
I was soon able to tell from the opening lines of a letter or email into which category a person fell. Something in their language, their positivity or lack of it, said they were happy and contented with life, or the opposite. As the correspondence grew I began to see common threads appearing – in attitude and way of life. The magic was something that often the person was not even consciously aware of but had intuitively stumbled on and followed. So I extracted all the bits that had been proved to work and came up with Happy Adults: a formula for guaranteeing happiness and contentment.
CHAPTER ONE
Let Go of Anger
Being angry – at ourselves or others – is responsible for the vast majority of our negative behaviour and feelings. While feeling anger and then letting it go is good for our mental health, hanging on to anger past its ‘use by’ date, or internalizing anger, can produce or aggravate all manner of physical and psychological illnesses – from stomach ulcers and migraines to severe psychosis. There is even evidence to suggest that cancer is more prevalent in people with angry negative dispositions than calmer more positive people, such is the interaction between mind and body.
Having said that, you do have the right to feel angry sometimes, and in some situations it is appropriate and healthy to do so.
It is right to feel angry if you accidentally hurt yourself – for example, cutting your finger while opening a can of beans. Ouch! That hurt! How stupid of me! Then the pain subsides and you let go of the anger and continue with what you were doing.
It is right to feel angry if someone treats you unfairly or unkindly – for example, your boss is highly critical of you in front of a less senior member of staff. Or a less able colleague is promoted over you. How dare he treat me like that!
You will feel angry if you discover a close friend and trusted confidante has been criticizing you behind your back. Wait till I see him! I’ll show him what I think of him!
You will feel anger (and sorrow) if a loved one dies prematurely. It’s not fair: my mum was only thirty-nine. Why did she have to die and leave me?
You will feel angry (and vulnerable) if someone has harmed you – physically or mentally. I didn’t do anything to him. Why me?
It is appropriate to feel angry in all the above situations (and many others like them which crop up as part of normal life), but it is essential to know when to let go of the anger. While no one is likely to still be angry a month after cutting his or her finger on a tin, many of us can still be seething from being humiliated in front of a work colleague or gossiped about by a friend months, even years, after the event. But holding on to anger in this way will gnaw away at your confidence and self-esteem, making you depressed and bitter.
Compare these two extracts from readers’ emails. They are both talking about their mothers.
I’ll never forgive her as long as I live. Although she only lives three miles away I haven’t seen her in nearly twenty years. I won’t have her near my house. My brother sees her so I don’t see him either. I have no family. Ms A.
I wasn’t going to let her ruin my life so I told her I still didn’t understand why she hadn’t believed me, but I was willing to move on. She now visits and sees her grandchildren. They love her dearly. Ms B.
Both of these emails were from women in their mid-thirties. Both had been sexually abused as teenagers by their stepfathers. Both had told their mothers at the time what was happening and neither had been believed. Which of the two had the happier life? The second writer, Ms B. She had instinctively recognized that to hang on to her anger would ‘ruin my life’. She was able to tell her mother that while she would never understand why she hadn’t believed her when she’d told her she was being assaulted, she wanted to put the past behind them. By letting go of her anger, not only was Ms B more contented and happier but she had allowed her children to enjoy a relationship with their grandmother which they wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Whether we have a very big anger – for example, as a result of being abused – or a relatively small anger – for example, a hurtful remark – at some point we have to let go. I am not being dismissive of the shocking suffering some people go through, but after an appropriate time (possibly with the help of therapy) we have to make a decision to let go of the anger, for if we don’t we will stay trapped in misery, bitterness and self-loathing, and that will affect those around us. Ms A unfortunately had not been able to let go of her anger and was addicted to antidepressants, having had two failed marriages, and a daughter with whom she battled continuously. Anger and depression go hand in hand and are a result of our feelings of helplessness and despair. We have to let go of anger to allow ourselves to heal and depression to lift.
We therefore owe it to ourselves to let go of our anger, and to those around us too. Let me show you how.
The turning point
I was furious when my husband, John, left me for a much younger woman. I was seething, not only for myself but on behalf of my children. How could he! How dare he! What a shit! How was I going to manage alone and provide for my family? My anger was with me for most of my waking days and at night, when, unable to sleep, I lay awake, tormented by thoughts of John and what he was doing in his new life.
I took my revenge. I unpicked the seams of his trousers, which still hung in the wardrobe and which he intended collecting when he had the time. I gave his collection of CDs to the charity shop and followed this with many other trips whenever I discovered an item of his he hadn’t packed in his hasty departure. When his sister (with whom I’d always got on well) phoned to say she was sorry to hear John and I were having difficulties in our marriage and she hoped we could sort things out, I vented my anger on her. John had omitted to tell her the reason we were ‘having difficulties’ – that he had run off with a younger woman – but I had no difficulty in telling his sister, in vengeful graphic detail. I also said that I supposed I shouldn’t be surprised John had deserted me, as clearly lack of commitment ran in his family. This was really nasty, as his sister had recently separated from her husband, but I was so angry I wanted to hurt everyone connected with him.
I said and did things which I would never normally have done and which now make me cringe with embarrassment. However, I stopped short of using the children against John. He saw them regularly and I didn’t criticize him to the children, although I dearly wanted to.
I knew I had the right to be angry. I’d trusted John, believed what he’d told me and assumed we would stay married and raise our children together, as my parents had done. I was the innocent victim and my anger was appropriate, acceptable and a healthy outlet for my emotion at that time. But two years later when I was still too angry to give John the divorce he desperately wanted – by then his partner was pregnant and he wanted to marry her – my anger was no longer healthy or helpful. Indeed it was working against me. I had lost weight, taken up smoking again and stopped going out socially unless it was for the children. If anyone asked how I was (expecting to hear my divorce had been finalized and that I was ready to move on with my life) I lapsed again into the all-too-familiar lament of John’s dreadful behaviour. I had become a martyr to his actions, a slave to his wrongdoing: my anger was now well past its ‘use by’ date and had turned sour.
Then one morning, two years after John had left me, I was brushing my hair in the mirror and caught sight of the woman I had become – still full of pain, suffering and anger. At that moment I knew I had to do something and quickly. I found myself giving that woman in the mirror a good talking to. My opening words changed my life and set me on the path to recovery. I said simply but firmly: You have to admit your marriage is over. John has left you and is not coming back. Though that was already apparent to many, part of me still thought he would return. I continued by telling myself: Your future will be different – not the one you planned – but it can be a very good future. You have the most precious gift in the world: your children. Stop wallowing in self-pity and let go of your anger. Concentrate on all the positives in your life and move on. You owe it to you and you owe it to your children. It’s time to stop being angry.
I agree my words were not the most insightful, and the message they contained was probably obvious; however, it hadn’t been obvious to me. I couldn’t let go of my anger because I was still hankering after a life that could no longer be, and that anger was tainting all that was positive in my life. The ‘good talking to’ I gave myself was the turning point.
Likewise it had been for thousands of the readers who had emailed me with their experiences. The phrases So I gave myself a good talking to … or I told myself that … or I said out loud I had to … came up time and time again. And, my readers told me, they had turned from anger, bitterness and depression to happiness and contentment. So the first step to letting go of your anger is to give yourself a ‘good talking to’. In addressing yourself you are addressing your anger – the anger that has been making you unhappy for a long time.
When exactly the turning point arrives varies. It may come at the end of days, weeks or years of being angry. Clearly big hurts need longer to heal than smaller hurts, and while you are healing anger is acceptable and healthy. But you will know when your anger is past its ‘use by’ date. You will know when it is time to let go and move on, and when it is time look at yourself in the mirror and address yourself honestly.
Remember it doesn’t have to be a big hurt that is making you angry and unhappy. Even if you are angry about a small hurt, at some point you have to let go. In a lifetime we have to let go of anger many, many times, for life is full of situations which cause us pain and suffering, and if left unaddressed the anger and resentment fester, making us unhappy and depressed.
Here are a few more examples of the turning point:
I can still remember being unjustly accused by my departmental manager of being late on my third day at work (my first job) at the age of eighteen. I was in fact at work but attending a training session in another room, which my manager hadn’t been informed of. The manager shouted at me in front of the whole office before I had a chance to explain. I can still remember my feelings of humiliation and anger and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. Looking back, I can see that the man may have been a bully, but it is true to say that the scene ruined my first months at work. I inwardly seethed, from both the injustice and the humiliation. My spirits sank to the point where I considered handing in my notice. Monday mornings were a nightmare.
Then I made a conscious decision to address myself: It was a silly thing for him to say but I am not responsible for his actions. We’ve got on well until now. I will not hold it against him any more. I let go of my anger and focused on all the good things about the job, of which there were many. It was a conscious decision, as letting go of anger often has to be, and once I’d let go of my anger my spirits lifted, I began to enjoy the work and the incident took its rightful place in history.
A nineteen-year-old rape victim whose attacker had not been prosecuted because of a technicality in the law was consumed by anger at the injustice (understandably). But it was dominating her life and she was blaming herself. She wrote that she had found her turning point by addressing herself as follows: I am so angry he wasn’t prosecuted. He should have been. I did all I could, but it wasn’t my decision. It was the police who decided not to prosecute. I had no control over that decision but I do have control over the rest of my life. I’m not going to let him ruin it.
A woman of thirty-two wrote about her mother who had given her other daughter (the writer’s sister) a diamond ring that she had inherited from her mother and had sentimental value. The woman had seen the favouritism and had translated it as her mother loving her sister more than she loved her. She had been upset and angry for over a year and this anger was souring her relationship with her mother and sister, whom she loved dearly. The turning point for her came when she addressed herself as follows: My mother decided to give that ring to my sister. It was her choice. Although it’s going to be very difficult, I need to stop being angry and ask her why she decided to do that. Have I done something to upset her?
When she finally plucked up the courage to ask her mother, she wished she’d asked her sooner and so avoided a year of anger, pain and resentment. Her mother’s actions were entirely innocent of any favouritism. It was simply that the other daughter had always been fascinated by the ring, right from childhood, so when the ring no longer fitted the mother’s finger (because of arthritis) she had naturally given it to the daughter who had been interested in it, never dreaming she was causing her other daughter pain. The mother apologized, although there was no need, for the writer knew what her mother was saying was true.
Perhaps what has caused you to be angry and depressed is not one incident but a culmination of small incidents that have built up over time. Or it may be there aren’t any incidents at all, but just an ongoing gnawing anger that life promised you something and hasn’t delivered.
One reader from the US wrote: I was fed up with my life; nothing seemed right. There was no reason. I mean I hadn’t been abused like the children in your books but there didn’t seem any point to life. I was twenty-nine and hooked on antidepressants and pills to make me sleep. I really hated the person I had become – negative, angry and finding fault in everything. It’s a wonder I had any friends left at all. Then one evening after a really bad day I asked myself: do you really want to carry on like this or are you going to try and find something better? I realized at that moment it was down to me: my future was in my hands. I could carry on as I was – unhappy and hating everything – or I could change and be happy.
The woman carried on to say that with the help of a life coach, who showed her how to focus on the positives in life, she had stopped taking all the pills and was finally enjoying life.
Whatever the reason, if you are angry you will be unhappy and at some point you need to make a conscious decision to let go and move on. For this woman the turning point was the question Do you really want to carry on like this, her acknowledgement that she didn’t and her readiness to move on and do something different. It may help to say out loud why it’s time to let go. In my case it was You have to admit your marriage is over.
We can sometimes take on responsibility for the actions of others, convincing ourselves we are to blame for the outcome when in fact we have no control of those actions, and this results in us feeling frustrated and angry. In such cases we need to pass the responsibility for the bad word or deed back to the person who had issued it, acknowledging their responsibility (as in the case of the rape victim, where she acknowledged that it was the police’s decision not to prosecute) or if necessary asking that person why they acted as they had, before we can let go of our anger and move on.
You may find you need some extra help to move on, as the lady who approached a life coach did. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, from whichever source you feel most comfortable with – a counsellor, a life coach, a therapist, your minister, your guardian angel or your god. You have made the decision to move on; if you need extra help, take it.
When you reach the turning point, you can take action by acknowledging the truth, thereby allowing yourself to deal with the anger and move on to happiness and contentment.
CHAPTER TWO
Take Responsibility for Your Life
While we are not responsible for the decisions and actions of others (as we saw in the last chapter) we are always responsible for our own decisions and actions, although sometimes we would rather not admit it.
If he had shown me more affection I wouldn’t have needed an affair …
She went on at me until I hit her. She should have left it. I can go out with my mates if I want.
These two readers were trying to transfer blame and therefore responsibility to their partners. On occasions we are all guilty of blaming others for our actions and the reason we do so is obvious. If only he/she hadn’t I wouldn’t have … They shouldn’t have put temptation in my way … etc. Transferring the blame, in our eyes, transfers the responsibility and therefore lets us off, or so we would like to believe. Clearly this is untrue, for we are only transferring the responsibility in our minds. No one else has accepted responsibility for our actions. We haven’t been let off the hook: we are simply in denial.
A man aged forty-three wrote: I blame my father for always criticizing me as a child. I couldn’t do anything right. If I got a B grade he said I should have got an A. If I scored a goal he asked me why I’d missed the other two shots. The man wrote that in adult life he reacted very badly if he thought anyone was criticizing him, becoming angry and aggressive, even when the criticism was in fact constructive feedback from his boss at work. He knew he was over-sensitive to what he perceived as criticism and his reaction was causing a problem both at work and in his private life. His wife felt she was ‘walking on egg shells’ and daren’t say anything in case he took it personally.
From what the man said it was likely his father had been over-critical, but by using his father as a convenient scapegoat for any negatives in his life, and failing to take responsibility for his own failings, he was endangering his relationships at home and work. I have been taken aback by the number of other readers in middle age and older who are still able to blame their parents (or carers) for all that was wrong in their present lives. No parent is perfect; parents are fallible human beings and will get their parenting wrong as often as they get it right. Without doubt some people have easier and happier childhoods than others, but as adults we owe it to ourselves to take responsibility for the present and future and move on. As a general guideline, if you haven’t taken responsibility for your own life by the age of twenty-five, then you need to do so ASAP. Otherwise life will be a series of missed opportunities, regrets, discontent and unhappiness. While we can’t change the past, by taking responsibility we can change the present and future. The key to our success is entirely in our own hands.
As well as blaming others and assigning to them responsibility for our lives, we are also very good at blaming situations, circumstances and even fate. I know I’m not being offered the jobs because of my size, wrote one reader who was in her mid-twenties and weighed 25 stone. Her CV was excellent and she was readily called for interview for jobs as a receptionist. But as soon as she walked into the interview room, she said, she knew from the look on the interviewers’ faces that she wouldn’t be offered the job. There is a lot of prejudice towards large people which won’t change overnight. The harsh reality is that if the woman wants a job as a receptionist she is going to have to take responsibility and diet, or accept that she must look for a job where her appearance doesn’t have to conform to a norm.
A lad of eighteen who had failed his exams and dropped out of school wrote: I have a big family with six stepbrothers and sisters. There was never anywhere that was quiet for me to study. That’s why I failed. He was bemoaning being unemployed and having no money. I appreciated that it must have been difficult for him to study at home, but if he had taken responsibility he could have found somewhere quiet to study, such as the library or homework club at school. Even though he now recognized he needed qualifications to get a job, he was still refusing to take responsibility. One option would have been to enrol in a college course to gain the qualifications he needed, and his mother had suggested this, but the lad had a ready list of excuses as to why this or any other suggestion wouldn’t work. Until he took responsibility for his life he was going to continue disgruntled and without a job.
A woman, aged forty-five, who had been in foster care for a year at the age of eight, wrote that she blamed all that was currently wrong in her life, including her two sons being drug dependent, her husband’s domestic violence and her obesity, on being in care thirty-seven years previously. While I would never minimize the disruption being taken into care (or any other trauma over which a person has no control) can have on a young person’s life, by allowing a crisis in her past to become a convenient peg on which to hang responsibility for all her woes and misfortunes, this woman was not taking any responsibility for them herself.
Whether we are suffering as a result of an unhappy/abusive childhood, losing a job, a hurtful comment or action, a failed relationship or a divorce, bereavement, ill health or a fateful encounter, at some point we have to take responsibility for our lives and deal with whatever needs to be changed. Otherwise we are like flotsam on a wave – sloshed around at the will of the tide and never in control of our destiny.
A man, aged twenty-three, who drank excessively and drove while intoxicated, was stopped by the police, heavily fined and banned from driving for two years. He was then sacked from his job, which required a clean driving licence. He blamed fate and an old friend: If I hadn’t stopped off at that pub after work I wouldn’t have met him and none of this would have happened. A better response, where the man took responsibility, would have been: What an idiot I was! But I’ve learnt my lesson. When I get my licence back I’ll never drink and drive again. In the meantime I’ll have to find a job for which I don’t need a driving licence.
Taking responsibility for your life is fantastic! It puts you at the steering wheel and you can go wherever you want. Yes, it can appear a bit frightening before you begin your journey. But once you have assumed responsibility for your life and therefore your destiny, you’ll wonder how you ever managed before.
What you gain from taking responsibility
Let’s look at all the positive outcomes from taking responsibility for your life; there are no negatives!
1. Empowerment. Taking responsibility empowers you. Once you are in charge you can do anything you wish – even fly to the moon, as long as you train as an astronaut first. You decide what you want to do with your life – where you want to be in a week, a month, a year, ten years – and go for it. Many years ago when I was struggling as a writer, receiving more rejection slips than cheques, I was inspired by the maxim We are only limited by the extent of our imagination. It is so true, and by taking responsibility we empower ourselves to achieve whatever our hearts and minds desire.
2. Liberation. Taking responsibility liberates you from the constraints of others. If you pass responsibility for your life to others you will live in the shadow of their experiences, expectations, successes and failures, and this will result in you becoming frustrated and discontented. Once you take responsibility for your life you are no longer beholden to the actions, attitudes or opinions of others, and a huge burden lifts from your shoulders.
One woman, aged thirty-four, who was juggling family life with work and doing unpaid overtime until 6.15 most nights, felt she was ‘being used’ and a ‘slave’ to everyone else, although she knew her husband loved her. She wrote: So I finally stopped blaming everyone else for what was wrong with my life and decided to take responsibility. I explained to my boss (nicely) that I would be leaving at 5.30 in future as I had family commitments. To my surprise he was fine about it, and said he understood and that I should have said something sooner. I then had a big chat with my husband and said I needed some ‘me time’. I am now having ice-skating lessons – something I always wanted to do – on a Wednesday evening, while my husband looks after the children. I was surprised it was all so easy in the end. I felt a great sense of liberation. I am in control of my life again and I’m sure I’m a much nicer person to be with now, at home and work.
3. Achievement. When you take responsibility for your life you can also take the credit for your achievements. What a great bonus! Yes, you may be working alongside others on certain projects and your relationships will be a partnership, but whether you are working on something alone, with someone else, or in a group, any positive outcome you achieve is your responsibility. So give yourself a big pat on the back.
4. Development. By taking responsibility for your life you develop as a person. You learn from your mistakes and use your past experiences to make better judgements in the future. Each new decision you make – regardless of how small or disastrous the outcome – is character forming. You will develop a strength and roundness of character you never thought possible. Others will experience and appreciate your new-found inner strength, although they won’t necessarily recognize the transition you have made. Your development as a person and therefore your new resourcefulness of character will be magnetic. Very soon you will be one of those people others come to for advice and guidance.
5. Satisfaction and contentment. Taking responsibility for your life allows you the satisfaction and contentment of knowing you did your best. Even if the outcome is not as you had hoped, knowing you were in control and you couldn’t have done any more gives you peace of mind.
CHAPTER THREE
Think Positively
We are what we think. Consider this statement for a moment and its implications. How far reaching it is; how simple; how complex; how easy and yet unobtainable!
‘We are what we think’ means that our thoughts create the person we are now and will be in the future. Just as our bodies absorb food and we become what we eat (I say more about this in Chapter Seven), so our personalities are a product of what we think. Our thoughts govern who we are and therefore our actions, which clearly influence our future. Research has also shown that our state of mind directly influences our bodies.
We are all familiar with the scenario of ‘getting out of the wrong side of the bed’. Not literally, of course, but that feeling at the start of a new day that we are full of self-doubt and pessimism and at odds with the world. We know what type of day we are going to have – one when we wished we’d stayed in bed. It will be a day when others and situations seem to conspire against us, when we achieve little or nothing, and hostility and aggravation are all around us. On such a day we get exactly what we envisaged, and as a result we feel unhappy and discontented.
We are also familiar with the opposite scenario, when we start the new day full of optimism. Our thoughts and feelings are positive: we focus on what is right in our lives and we are more than ready to greet any new challenge. We are so full of positive thoughts and vibes that we can’t have anything but a good day – we achieve what we set out to and others appear to work with us and are on our side. We feel good about ourselves and are happy to be alive.
Then of course there are the days in the middle of the spectrum when we greet the new day with ambivalence, not particularly enthusiastic about what lies ahead but not dreading it. The day holds no surprises, we get by – achieving an acceptable amount, jogging along but not really engaging with those we come in contact with. If someone were to ask us: Have you had a good day? We would reply: It was OK.
In reality these three days were probably no different from each other in their happiness content. Happiness content means the external factors, negative and positive, that directly affect our happiness – for example, a pay rise, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, marriage, divorce, etc. No, what made each of these days different was literally our state of mind: our attitude, based on our positive or negative thoughts.
As the optimist sees the glass as half full, so the pessimist sees it as half empty. The only difference between the two is the way they think.
A person in a positive state of mind who is thinking positive thoughts expects to be happy, achieve and get along with those he or she meets, while a person in a negative state of mind can see only gloom, despondency, non-cooperation and frustration, with little or nothing achieved. These two people will have their positive or negative attitude confirmed by getting exactly what they expect. This is what is known as a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’, where something we perceive in our minds becomes true because of the link between belief and behaviour. If we think positively then we act positively, which leads to a positive outcome. Conversely, negative thoughts produce negative actions and outcomes.
Positive and negative thoughts are like magnets, attracting those in a similar state of mind. So a person in positive frame of mind will attract positive, happy people, who add to his or her feel-good factor, and ‘repel’ negative ones. Conversely a person in a negative state of mind will be a magnet for the negativity of others, who will collude in his or her feelings of self-doubt and pessimism. Of course, this takes place subconsciously, with each person acting instinctively, without conscious thought or decision.
Since all this has a huge impact on our lives on all levels, mental and physical, we owe it to ourselves to think positively. It is essential we recognize and harness the incredible power of the mind to achieve mental and physical well-being.
Many ancient cultures were aware of the power of the mind and its effect on physical health. The age-old practice of yoga is a physical and mental discipline whose purpose includes physical health. Likewise meditation is an intrinsic part of many ancient healings, as is the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang, which acknowledges the need to find the right balance.
But while such cultures acknowledge that the mind and body are interconnected, many Western cultures, especially with the advancement in medical science, separate mind and body, with disastrous results. We have blood, nerves and energy lines running through and linking all parts of ourselves, mind and body. Why, then, do we treat them separately, having one branch of medicine for the body – GPs, medical consultants and surgeons – and another for our minds – psychiatrists, therapists and counsellors? In recent years there has been some movement in Western culture towards a more holistic approach – that is, treating the whole person – but it still has a long way to go.
The good news, however, is that we can change the way we think. Positive thought is within our control. We can choose to think positively, which will improve the person we are now and ultimately what happens in our lives.
Positive thought is straightforward and easy to learn, but it won’t happen overnight. Like all strategies it needs to be learnt until it becomes second nature and you do it automatically. This is what you do to achieve it.
How to think positively
1. Focus on all that is good in your life and the world around you. Acknowledge the negative but don’t dwell on it. If you find your thoughts returning to the negative, rein them in and re-focus. This gets easier the more you do it.
2. Focus on your attributes. You have much to offer. Acknowledge your failings and weaknesses but don’t dwell on them. None of us is perfect.
3. Visualize positive outcomes. Research has shown that if you believe something will turn out well you increase the chances of it doing so.
4. Think good of others. See the best in other people; give them the benefit of the doubt, don’t harbour grudges, forgive them and move on (see Chapter One).
5. Be grateful. Even the most disadvantaged of us has something to be grateful for. Recognize it and be thankful it is yours.
6. Get rid of the belief that life owes you. It doesn’t. The only person who owes is you and you owe it to yourself to make the best of life.
To do this, you need to be aware of what is happening in your thoughts. During the day our thought processes vary to accommodate what we are doing: reading or studying, at work, being on the computer, watching television, listening to music, engaging in conversation, concentrating on a difficult task, relaxing, etc. Sometimes our thoughts will be wholly occupied by what we are doing, but at other times there is space for our thoughts to cruise or wander. It is at such times, when we are off guard, not wholly concentrating, that we are most likely to find ourselves thinking negative thoughts if we are in a negative state of mind: I hate him. My nose is too big. Why did she cheat on me? There can’t be a God: he wouldn’t have let my mum die so young and so on.
Be aware of your thoughts and deal with any negativity immediately. Don’t indulge this negativity; instead, acknowledge your feelings, and then let go of them and consciously shift your mind to a positive thought. By using this strategy of counteracting a negative thought with a positive thought you can retrain your mind.
I think my nose is too big (negative), but people tell me I have nice eyes and a pleasant smile, which is good (positive).
I hate him for what he did to me (negative), but that part of my life is over now and I have a great future ahead of me (positive).
I don’t know why she cheated on me (negative), but it’s just as well I found out now rather than later (positive).
I wish my mum was still alive (negative); I miss her dreadfully. But thank God she was my mum and we had all those good years together. Some people don’t have that (positive).
You can find something positive in virtually every negative situation, even when the situation is dreadful. I am sure we were all impressed by the young soldier who, having lost both his legs and one arm when a landmine exploded, said in an interview that it could have been worse, and at least he still had one arm. Or the countless number of cancer sufferers who, having been told they only have a short while to live, decide to make the most of every minute, focusing on the days they have left rather than the years they have been deprived.
While you are retraining your mind to think positively there will be times when you slip into your old way of thinking. As soon as you catch yourself doing this, whether it is on waking, showering, eating, dressing, sitting on a train, playing with the children or at work, acknowledge your negative thoughts and make the next thought positive. It is important to acknowledge the negative thought: otherwise it can be buried without being dealt with and you can go into denial. All feelings are important, but negative thinkers focus on what is wrong in their lives to the exclusion of all that is right. If your mind returns to the negative, bring it back again to a positive thought. Soon this will become second nature, and hey presto, you will be a positive thinker! I am a positive thinker but I haven’t always been. As a teenager I used to dwell on all the sadness in the world (over which I had no control) and make myself very unhappy. Positive thinking came to me in my twenties, after a traumatic experience, and has been my companion ever since. It sees me through life’s downers and makes me appreciate every new day.
The children I foster often arrive depressed and unhappy – with very good reason: they have been separated from their families and have often been abused or badly neglected. By the time they leave me all of them are a lot, lot happier. While I haven’t been able to change their family situation or their past experience (unfortunately), I have been able to help them towards an acceptance of what has happened, and encourage them to think positively and this helps them to see a positive, brighter future.
Young children and even toddlers can be encouraged to think positively as soon as they begin taking an interest in their surroundings. There is beauty everywhere; sometimes we just need to see it. By pointing out the little robin in your garden, or the clear blue sky, or asking your child if he or she is enjoying their ice cream – ‘Mmm, that looks yummy. I bet it tastes good’ – you are encouraging your child to think positively.
One woman wrote: I spent over twenty years thinking about all that was wrong in my life (and believe me there was plenty). I thought life wasn’t fair as others didn’t seem to have my problems. I made myself so miserable I even considered suicide. Then one day I was in the dentist’s waiting room and picked up a copy of an old magazine. In it was an article about positive thinking and that article changed my life.
The notion of positive thinking is not new, but when you discover its huge power and the possibilities it opens up for happiness and contentment it seems like a revelation. It is life changing!
CHAPTER FOUR
Act Positively
Thinking positively, however, is only part of the equation that is lasting happiness and contentment. To feel the full benefit of a positive state of mind, you need to put your positive thoughts into action. Positive people are doers, positive in thought and action. They attract other positive people and together they make things happen.
The next piece of good news is that once you are using the power of positive thinking, acting positively is only a small step away.
Positive action follows positive thought. If you have started thinking positively you may already be practising some of the following strategies, without even realizing it, which is great. Read through the following, congratulate yourself on what you are already doing and take on board the areas you still need to work on. As with positive thinking, to begin with you will have to make a conscious effort to act positively, but very soon it will become automatic, with the result that you are both thinking and acting positively – a truly positive person.
How to act positively
1. Smile. As often as you can. If smiling doesn’t come naturally to you, force yourself to smile to begin with until it does. Research has shown that smiling has a natural feel-good factor. It releases endorphins (natural painkillers) and serotonin (sometimes called the body’s natural opium) into the bloodstream, literally making you happy. When you smile the facial muscles send messages of happiness to the brain, and you feel happy. Even when you are feeling unhappy, smiling can make you happy. Also, research trials have shown that when you smile others perceive you differently – as younger, more confident, successful and attractive. Smiling has been shown to relieve stress by lowering blood pressure, and also to strengthen the immune system. Happy, positive people are ill less often. Smiling is therefore beneficial on all levels and is an essential ingredient to being positive. So smile away.
2. Try new things. Set yourself realistic goals – short and long term – and do your very best to achieve them. (I’ll say more about this in Chapter Six.) If you’ve been wanting to learn a new skill, try a new hobby or even change your lifestyle or career, then do it. Don’t be frightened to try something new, whether it is swimming, skating, camping, debating, cake decorating, joining a political party or volunteering. All new experiences add to being a positive person. Our confidence and self-esteem grow from experiencing new challenges, and who knows where such new experience might lead?
One woman wrote: I was feeling pretty miserable as my fiftieth birthday approached. I was overweight and despite dieting couldn’t seem to shift the flab. My husband bought me a pair of quality trainers for a birthday present as I said I might try jogging. On that first morning I could barely run round the block, I was red in the face and panting, but I kept with it. Gradually my stamina built and the weight dropped off. Now I compete in marathons all over the world. I feel so fit and have made many new friends. Jogging has opened up a whole new life for me and I know my husband is proud of me. He claims it was the trainers that did it, but I say they couldn’t have done it without me!
A man who went fishing caught more than he could ever have dreamed of: I’d always wanted to learn to fish, right from a boy, so at the ripe old age of forty-two I bought myself a fishing rod and all the gear, and early one Sunday morning I left my wife and kids in bed and went and sat by a local river. It was pouring down and there was only me and a couple of lads, which I was pleased about, as I was making a fool of myself trying to cast the line.
Then a guy came along and said he was a journalist from the local newspaper and he was writing an article about local fishing spots and would I mind if he took a photo of me? I told him it was my first fishing trip but he said that was fine as I looked the part. A week later the photo was published in our local newspaper with my name, and an article about fishing spots. I looked very professional with all my new gear although all I’d caught that morning was a cold.
Then a few weeks later I received a letter forwarded to me by the newspaper. When I opened it I was amazed to find it was from my long-lost brother, whom I hadn’t seen for fifteen years. He’d seen my photo in the paper, and it turned out he only lived a mile away. We met up and I discovered he was a keen (and very good) fisherman. So now I go fishing with my brother while our wives go shopping.
Both these people changed their lives in ways they couldn’t have envisaged by trying something new. That’s not to say you’ll become a globetrotter if you take up jogging, or find a brother if you go fishing, but one thing is for certain: life doesn’t happen in front of the television or at the computer. Experience happens in the real world and positive people make it happen by going out and trying new things.
3. Use positive words as much as possible when speaking about yourself, others or situations:
I consider myself a fair person …
John is very patient …
It was decent of our company to still give us the bonus when profits are down, even though it was smaller than last year’s.
Even if you have a highly critical report to deliver, include as many positive words as you can. And generally, when you speak make sure you use more positive than negative words. I often have to talk at meetings about children who have severe behavioural problems, and I always begin my report with all the positives, which sets the atmosphere for the meeting. There is something positive in every person and situation; find it and say it. Whether you are talking casually to a friend or relative, or formally in a meeting at work, feast on the positive and acknowledge but don’t dwell on the negative.
4. Give praise where it is due. It won’t detract from your own worth to acknowledge what others have achieved. Praise is not a bag of sweets where the quantity diminishes as you share them out: it is more like fresh air – free and plentiful. As an author I have met some authors who are loathe to speak highly of their colleagues (especially if they are writing in the same genre), because of some misguided notion that praising others will detract from their own success. Of course it doesn’t; if anything it has the opposite effect. In praising others we show we are comfortable in our role, and insightful enough as a person to recognize and admire achievement.
Mark, that was an excellent report. Thanks for your input. I really appreciated it.
Mum, you are a smashing grandma. You have so much patience. The kids love you to bits.
Jane, that dress looks far better on you than it ever did on me. You have it.
What a great job you did decorating the sitting room!
Praise and positive feedback cost you nothing but have a huge effect on the recipient and yourself. Praise is like a kiss to the soul: we feel warm and glow from the approval of others. Not only does it make us feel good about ourselves but we also feel good about the person who praised us. We warm to that person and unsurprisingly research has shown that we bond more quickly with those who give praise and positive feedback than with those who remain neutral – not criticizing but not saying anything positive either.
Give yourself a quiet pat on the back, too, for something you have achieved, but keep self-praise to yourself unless you say it light-heartedly:
I think I did a good job there, don’t you, lads?
Job well done!
Didn’t she do well! (referring to yourself)
Leave effusive praise of yourself to others. No one likes a big head.
5. Make friends and reach out to people. We need friends as much as we need family. Framed on a wall in my home is a piece of embroidery given to me by my grandmother. It is made up of hundreds of tiny cross-stitches and states, quite simply, ‘A Family is a Circle of Friends Who Love You’. I’ve treasured this for years; the words are so poignant and have meaning on many levels. I even used the words to start a group on the social networking site Facebook.
Even if you are a naturally shy person, when you are thinking and acting more positively you will be in a much better position to meet new people and make friends. Begin with the smile you’ve been practising; then offer a small remark (in the UK the weather is a safe bet); then, if the situation allows, follow this initial contact with conversation. Not everyone you meet will become a lasting friend, but just reaching out and making contact with others – whether it is at the bus stop, at the supermarket checkout or in the lift at work – boosts our confidence and feelings of self-worth. Even grumbling with others at a bus stop about the bus being late is positive: it releases our frustration and bonds us with others in the same situation – the ‘pack’, as social scientists call it. Humans have always lived in groups and we need that sense of belonging as much now as we did when we lived in caves and hunted as a pack.
6. Learn to say no. Don’t be a martyr. Acting positively doesn’t mean you always have to agree to all the requests that are made of you. Far from it. Although positive people reach out and interact with others easily they also know how to give a polite refusal. No one likes a martyr who glories in suffering from too much to do. Such a person makes us lesser mortals feel very uncomfortable. We need to self-regulate the responsibilities and workload we accept. I developed the art of saying no many years ago when I realized that fostering, as well as raising my own children and working part-time, did not allow me to help in fundraising activities or sit on the PTA at my children’s school or do many of the other things I was asked to do. Agree to do what you can and want to do, and politely refuse what you don’t want to do or can’t do without causing yourself stress:
I’m sorry, I really can’t continue on the Neighbourhood Watch scheme as I am heavily committed with other projects.
I’m sorry, Mary, I won’t be able to look after your children on Saturday as John and I are decorating the living room.
Bob, could you give Susie that report to type, please? I’m up to my eyes in it at present. Thanks.
If you find that in your role at home or work your stress levels are continually rising as you run to stand still, then you are over-committed and you need to have a discussion with your boss or partner. If you soldier on without saying anything others will assume you are coping. Positive people recognize their limitations and can say no.
7. Be body positive. I say more about this in Chapter Eight. But it is worth noting here that when you are thinking and acting more positively your body language should reflect this so that you present your new improved self to the world. So often our bodies get left behind after radical change: the body carries on as it used to, as it has been doing for years. Dieters who lose a lot of weight, for instance, often need lessons in deportment, to be shown how to walk gracefully. Their new, lighter, sylph-like figures are still lumbering along as they did before when they carried all the extra weight.
Stand upright, look people in the eye and walk with a lighter, slightly faster step. The message you will give out is that you are confidently ready to meet and greet life and all it has to offer. Others will subconsciously receive your positive body signals and treat you accordingly.
CHAPTER FIVE
Develop a Positive Philosophy
We all have a philosophy – a system of beliefs that guide our behaviour – although we might not realize it. As humans we are programmed to make sense of what we see, from the moment we look up from our cribs and focus on the world around us. From then on we begin to develop a philosophy to make sense of the world and our existence in it.
The word philosophy in its academic sense means the study of knowledge, reality and existence. Western philosophy dates back over 2,500 years. During our time at school most of us will have heard of the ancient Greek philosophers – Plato, Socrates, Aristotle – and the more recent philosophers – Francis Bacon, Marx and Ghandi. Philosophers develop a way of thinking and looking at the world they hope will answer age-old questions such as What is good? Do we have free will? Does God exist? What is truth? Where does infinity end? What is evil? As individuals we contemplate these questions too and develop our personal philosophy to answer them.
While our philosophy reflects what we think about the world and our place in it, in practice, in our everyday lives, it is not a written tangible formula but the attitude with which we live our lives. Our philosophy is our outlook on life, shown in the way we deal with situations (past and present, negative and positive), view the future and make decisions. And if we are to be happy and contented and live life to the full, our philosophy needs to be positive.
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