e: A Novel
Matt Beaumont
An unforgettable first novel.Consisting entirely of staff emails, e spends a fortnight in the company of Miller Shanks, an advertising agency that scales dizzying peaks of incompetence. Among the cast are a CEO with an MBA from the Joseph Stalin School of Management, a Creative Director who is a genius, if only in his own head, designers and copywriters driven by breasts, beer or Bach Flower Remedies, and secretaries who drip honey and spit blood.The novel is a tapestry of insincerity, backstabbing and bare-arsed bitchiness: that is to say, everyday office politics. Oh yes, and there is some work to be done too – the quest for advertising’s Eldorado, the Coca-Cola account.e is sleazy, scurrilous and scabrously funny. It also contains a first-class joke about the Pope and sound advice on the maintenance of industrial carpet tiles.
e
Matt Beaumont
Dedication (#ulink_ce158940-a0ae-53ed-adf4-03d02995c144)
Ave Maria
Contents
Cover (#u53df8325-da27-59c9-b7b9-4d87d52a8e2e)
Title Page (#uebfedd14-4fda-5293-848c-b4c0dbe9851b)
Dedication (#ua15282c8-0784-5328-b7af-e031368895c9)
Monday 3 January 2000 (#ue5a6aa41-d4d6-569b-b481-58773de8de5f)
Tuesday 4 January 2000 (#ub7935569-16a5-57fc-b9a1-0017ef1acc6a)
Wednesday 5 January 2000 (#u8af1966a-e403-54e0-8bc4-8b6af8718901)
Thursday 6 January 2000 (#uc319e850-186e-535c-a6e5-12854bc19313)
Friday 7 January 2000 (#ua7902fb2-0956-57a1-87dd-33ba07f6d659)
Sunday 9 January 2000 (#u357594bd-1314-5408-a912-2655d854936a)
Monday 10 January 2000 (#u836e94b7-ee78-576c-ab19-97e2c57a1e16)
Tuesday 11 January 2000 (#u5f4759e0-e436-522e-8a5a-aa29a782f915)
Wednesday 12 January 2000 (#ue2c26b1b-642e-5931-b25e-5aa407368916)
Thursday 13 January 2000 (#u09aeb86a-557c-5ef6-b851-130231646e0f)
Friday 14 January 2000 (#u1b393305-7ce7-5969-9b70-780dd379f0d1)
Saturday 15 January 2000 (#ubb4df830-6004-5311-b314-2ec6c17978a0)
Sunday 16 January 2000 (#u4c91e9f0-e3d6-5ffc-8027-91090e89e64a)
Monday 17 January 2000 (#uc66b4dc4-c65b-5d6f-91cc-bac2c75ebc0b)
Tuesday 18 January 2000 (#ua06359fb-994e-5e9c-9603-2efcdd6da228)
Monday 7 February 2000 (#uae4599d5-572c-50ac-bd83-a4be786d5ede)
Read on: Staying Alive (#uffbdd912-76c2-553f-ba03-a2b83e137e8f)
About the Author (#u8cdd50f7-a349-5a97-926c-94293bf2668e)
Also by the Author (#u4d9d99aa-6176-5482-8ac8-db776a259338)
Copyright (#uc282bcfc-67db-5a24-b97a-14c1a5e0a469)
About the Publisher (#uce82b3db-67ff-545b-8cea-b66ae4d0d012)
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.13am
to… Fiona Craigie
cc…
re… your butt
Take that fucking Walkman off, get your arse in here and show me how I do an all-staff e-mail. Every time I click ‘ok’ on the address it copies it to Miller Shanks Helsinki.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.27am
to… All Departments
cc… james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa
re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS
First, a happy new Millennium to each and every one of you. Thank you also for sacrificing your bank holidays today to come in and begin the bid for the Coca-Cola business. As you know, in two weeks we pitch for this most prestigious advertising account. To win it we must all perform out of our skins.
Daunting as it may seem, I know we can scale this peak. Those in doubt should take a look at what we have achieved in the last twelve months. When I joined you at the beginning of ’99 we were in the doldrums and Jim Weissmuller in New York gave me a mountain to climb.
He said ‘make Miller Shanks London big again’. Pitch wins for Freedom Catalogues, the LOVE Channel and the £11m Mako Cars account have catapulted us back into the Campaign top twenty for the first time in eight years.
He said ‘make Miller Shanks respected’. In the Marketing Week survey that asked clients which advertising agency they would most like to work with, we rocketed from 45
to 33
.
He said ‘win awards’. I brought in Simon Horne to shake up the creative department and to do just that. His efforts are already paying off, with Pinki and Liam’s fabulous ads for Kimbelle Sanpro scooping bronze at Creative Circle.
We can all be extremely proud of our efforts. We are still a long way from the summit, but base camp has been established and the final assault beckons!
Let’s break camp, attach our lines and get off to a flier in 2000 by adding an $84 billion brand to our client list.
Go, go, go!
David Crutton
CEO
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 8.46am (10.46am local)
to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS
Your e-mail I think is coming to me in Helsinki by mistake, but it’s notwithstanding fun to be reading about my chums in London. I was not realising that mountaineering was possible in Old London Town. Most fascinating!
By the way, is there any help we give you with the Coca-Cola pitch? It is a very popular drink here in icy cold Finland, especially with our many ‘groovy’ young folk. As fellow CEO, I am asking my red-hot creativity department to have lots of brilliant ideas for you.
While I am on cyberspacenet, can please you get me tickets for Great Balls of Grease? Mrs van Helden and my good self will be visiting in London at 12 February. We will be packing our crampons.
Your pal, Pertti
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 8.49am
to… Fiona Craigie
cc…
re… your fat butt
Get your fucking nose out of Ms London and explain why, despite your best efforts, my last e-mail went to that pathetic twat, van Helden. And get me two tickets for Great Balls of Fire or Grease on 12 Feb. I don’t think the gobshite Finn knows the difference.
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 9.17am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… a new face
I would like you all to join me in welcoming Katie Philpott, who joins us today as a trainee account executive. Katie will be working in Harriet Greenbaum’s group on Mako. She will add her spark and vivacity to an already lively team. Please give her the warmest of Miller Shanks welcomes.
Daniel Westbrooke
Head of Client Services
Rachel Stevenson – 3/1/00, 10.10am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… changes
Sadly, Fiona Craigie has decided to leave us and is no longer David Crutton’s PA. I am sure you will join me in wishing her well for the future. Lorraine Pallister will be temping until a permanent replacement arrives. Please make her welcome.
Rachel Stevenson
Personnel
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 10.14am
to… Creative Department
cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke
re… arses in gear
You will need no reminding of the Coke pitch. This is the big one.
Excalibur.
The Holy Grail.
Eldorado.
The Most Famous Brand in the World.
David Crutton and Dan Westbrooke will brief us at noon in the boardroom.
Be keen.
Be sharp.
Be clever.
Above all, be there.
Si
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.18am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… arses in gear
Simon, I know this might be a silly little thing, so excuse my pedantry. I do not mind you calling me Dan in private, but to the great unwashed, please refer to me as Daniel. The diminutive sounds far too familiar and, as Head of Client Services, I find it pays to remain a little aloof from the rabble! See you at 12.00.
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.22am
to… James Gregory
cc…
re… Katie Philpott
James, my duties as Head of Client Services mean that I am far too busy to bestow upon young Katie my traditional welcome of tea and muffins. Since you are the account manager with whom she will be working most closely, may I request that you take her under your wing and make sure that she is familiar with our ways? Suffice it to say that I would not wish a repeat of what happened with the last trainee.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 10.30am
to… Susi Judge-Davis
cc…
re… Coke
Susi, darling, be an absolute treasure and make sure all the creative teams are aware of the Coke briefing at 12.00. And get me a pot of decaffeinated and some of those itty-bitty cinnamon biscuits they have in the kitchen.
Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 10.31am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… Coke
Doing it right now, darling … Sx
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 10.32am (12.32pm local)
to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… your butt
We are loving your ironicalism. ‘Pathetic twat, van Helden’! There is nothing to beat English humours. Robin’s Nest, Love Thy Neighbour, Are You Being Severed?. We see them all on Satellite Golden Hits Station. However, we are not comprehending ‘gobshite’. It is in not one of our excellent dictionaries.
‘I’m free!’ – Pertti
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 10.35am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… bienvenue
Katie, profound apologies that I will be unable to sit down with you this morning. You have joined our happy family at the busiest time and I find myself caught up in getting the Coke pitch off to a roaring start. I am sure that you must feel a little dazzled by the glamour of it all, but you will find your feet in no time. I have attached a crib sheet that sets out the key roles in our agency. Previous neophytes have found it to be indispensable. Any questions, ask James Gregory, whom I have appointed your ‘big brother’.
Attachment …
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – il maestro, le chef de cuisine, the head honcho and the person with whom the buck most certainly stops.
HEADS OF CLIENT SERVICES – the power behind the throne, if you will. Custodian of all the agency’s clients and responsible for the performance of everybody in the Account Management Department. A crucial part of his job is to approve every CREATIVE BRIEF before it goes to the Creative Department. These unassuming A4 sheets are the ‘sacred texts’ without which no piece of advertising can be conceived. It is fair to say that with such a spectrum of responsibilities, a head of client services must possess both fierce drive and a passionate vision.
ACCOUNT DIRECTOR – In charge of day-to-day running of one or more accounts; runs a team of account managers and executives; in turn reports to the Head of Client Services.
EXECUTIVE CREATIVE DIRECTOR – if the Head of Client Services supplies the client with an expansive blank canvas, then the Creative Director applies those vivid splashes of cobalt, verditer and vermilion that bring his humdrum products so gloriously to life in the nation’s parlours.
THE CREATIVE TEAM – each comprises of a COPYWRITER and an ART DIRECTOR. The Creative Director allocates creative briefs to teams, and then nurtures from them their finest work.
James Gregory – 3/1/00, 10.36am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… hello, new girl
Hi Katie. I’m James and I’ll be your account manager on Mako. Dan Westbrooke has asked me to keep a close eye on you. I’m up to my neck organising this afternoon’s Mako meeting (usual bloody panic), but I’ll clock in with you later. In the meantime, enjoy reading the attached. It was penned by some anon. copywriter and has been handed down through generations of trainees. It tells you all you need to know about how your typical agency works (or rather, doesn’t).
Attachment …
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER – some CEOs have been known to have a brass sign on their desks that reads THE BUCK STOPS HERE. This is either a misprint or a bare-faced lie. It should say THE BUCK STARTS HERE. The CEO is in the highly responsible position of having to designate the mug who will officially carry the can for whatever mire the agency has landed itself in. All he/she needs for this are a comfy and ergonomically designed swivel chair, an internal phone list and a nice, shiny pin. Decisions, decisions …
HEAD OF CLIENT SERVICES – sounds grand, and so it should because this title was invented as compensation for those witless account directors who will never, ever make CEO. They have no power whatsoever, but if they begin sentences with ‘as Head of Client Services …’ often enough, it will make them think that they do. This title also impresses at cocktail parties where no advertising people are present.
ACCOUNT DIRECTORS – Light bulb joke #1:
Q – How many account directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A – ‘How many would the client like it to take?’
This tells you all you need to know about account directors.
CREATIVE DIRECTORS – All creative directors are Useless Tossers. This fact has been established in a number of clinical trials. It doesn’t matter how good they were before they were creative directors (and, no kidding, some of them were certifiably brilliant), the moment they settle into that palatial corner office with the wide-screen TV and Bauhaus furniture, they assume the mantle of Useless Tosser. This phenomenon has baffled the few scientists who give a shit, which to be frank, isn’t many.
CREATIVE TEAMS – Legend has it that the modern copywriter/art director creative team was invented in the sixties by the advertising luminary Bill Bernbach. This is bollocks. In fact it couldn’t be more bollocks if it were wrapped in a soft leather scrotal sac and suspended between the hind legs of a bull. The truth is that the first team actually paired up after seeing the notorious David Bailey shot of the Brothers Kray. Upon inspection, this visionary twosome figured that if they, too, dressed in black and looked well ’ard, it would serve to scare anyone from account management off, who had the temerity to suggest ‘a few little tweaks’ to their work.
Lightbulb Joke #2:
Q – How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A – ‘Fuck off, I’m not changing a thing.’
Pinki Fallon – 3/1/00, 10.39am
to… Simon Horne
cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke
re… arses in gear
Sorry guys, but can you excuse me from Coke? They represent all that is wrong with the Western capitalist socio-economic model and my yoga teacher would never forgive me. In any case, Liam and I are up to our necks on the Kimbelle Super Dri launch, which should keep us v.v.v. busy for the next couple of weeks. Sorry, etc …
Katie Philpott – 3/1/00, 10.42am
to… James Gregory
cc…
re… HI YOURSELF!
Thanks for the e. Didn’t understand most of it, but guffaw, guffaw anyway! Haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to do yet, but if I can help with your Mako meeting – pens, pads, that sort of thing – give me a shout. By the way, what happened to the last trainee? I’ve heard some rumours, but no one will tell. Katie P
Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 10.45am
to… Vince Douglas; Brett Topowlski
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS
There goes another thousand years. How was it for you? I boycotted it – well, the whole fucking thing was a marketing con by the Christians to get us to buy Cliff Richard’s piece of shit. I stayed in with a Tesco korma, Jose Cuervo, my new Sony Vega and a hard-on for Gaby Roslyn – I recommend it if you’re around for the next one. Don’t know if I’ll see you at the Coke briefing. Pinki’s just e’d Horne with another moral stand. Wonder how the sad old git will talk her round this time – watch this space.
James Gregory – 3/1/00, 10.50am
to… Katie Philpott
cc…
re… HI YOURSELF!
The story is that the last trainee spent his first month sitting by the fire escape waiting for a proper desk. He got hypothermia and sued. Don’t worry, things have changed. That’s why they stuck you by the big copier on the 3
– you’ll overheat rather than freeze.
Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 10.54am
to… All Departments
cc…
re… room to let
Room to let in cosy central Balham flat.
• Near shops, buses and Jet filling station
• Hygena kitchen w/ ceramic hob
• Neighbourhood Watch area
• Non-smoker preferred
• Must like cats
• And gerbils
• £380 PCM
• First to see will move in!
Call x4667 – Nige.
Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 10.59am
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS
Unbelievable – the first bank holiday of the year and I’m sitting in the Miller Shanks creative department staring at Vin and trying to come up with a campaign for Freedom Catalogues. Told him we need a visual idea. He’s the art director, so it’s his problem now.
Our Millenniums in brief. Mine’s a total blank – woke up in a skip in Poplar at five am, 1 Jan, but had a spectacular view of the Dome as I leaned over the edge to puke. Vin was in Berlin and was so depraved he can’t bring himself to tell me what he got up to. On the way back he was gutted that the Y2K bug didn’t kick in and make the Airbus drop from sky – figures the adrenaline rush would’ve worked wonders for his hangover.
Don’t bother e-mailing him. He made a New-Year res’ to get computer literate. First thing this morning he got me to fire up his Mac and log him onto Notes. He had 4,735 unread e’s. He freaked and made me switch it off. Hasn’t said a word since. I gave him some Crayolas and a pad and he’s started to recover.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 11.04am
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… hippie dipstick
Is there anything the dizzy cow Pinki will work on? She won’t do Embassy Regal for obvious reasons; Army Recruitment because she’s anti-military; Action Man, ditto; Floréal Haircare because they torture kittens. For Christ’s sake, she won’t even work on Everest because they screwed up her mother’s replacement windows. You keep saying she and Liam are the best creative team we’ve got, but have you thought that her delicate political sensibilities might be better suited to a different business? (VSO comes to mind.) Look into it, because if we don’t win Coke and she hasn’t lifted a bloody finger, I’ll have her on the next flight to Somalia.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 11.24am
to… David Crutton
cc…
re… hippie dipstick
Leave it to me. I’ll have a word in her shell-like.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 11.33am
to… Pinki Fallon
cc… Liam O’Keefe
bcc… David Crutton
re… Coke
Pinki, I respect your principles, but we really need you and Liam playing ball with l’equipe ‘A’ on this one. Can I say a couple of things before you make up your mind?
Naturellement, we share your concerns vis-à-vis the Coke/Mammon scenario. It is a vexing state of affairs.
David promises to register forcefully our feelings when next he meets their people.
Secondly, if we do not win it, people will lose their jobs.
I am certain you would not want additions to the unemployment statistics to prey on your mind.
I hope we will see you at the 12.00.
Si
Pinki Fallon – 3/1/00, 11.39am
to… Simon Horne
cc… Liam O’Keefe; David Crutton
re… Coke
I phoned Master Shenkar and he’s cool. I know this account is worth more than the GNP of Guatemala, but David won’t accept the business unless we can present them with a more holistic alternative to capitalist imperialism, will he?
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 11.41am
to… Pinki Fallon
cc…
re… Coke
Trust me, I’m an adman. See you at the meeting.
Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 11.56am
to… Creative Department
cc…
re… Coke
Please make your way to the Coke briefing in the boardroom. Simon asks you to bring pads and not to be late.
Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 12.30pm
to… Carla Browne
cc…
re… that bastard!!!
Un-fucking-believable!!!!! Have you heard what the bastard, Crettin, did to Fi? She’s gone!!!!! He made her clear her desk that minute. She didn’t even have time to meet me in the loo for a good cry!!!!!! Can’t believe he fired her on a bank holiday!!!!! We shouldn’t even be here!!!!! The story is he did it ’cos she couldn’t make his stupid e-mail work!! Incredible!!!! I’ve been trying to get her on her mobile all morning. She must be able to do him for wrongful something or other. Let’s talk at lunch!!!!!!! See you in Bar Zero? Zxxx
Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 12.35pm
to… Zoë Clarke
cc…
re… that bastard!!!
I heard, poor cow!! Doesn’t that shit know this is a bad time for her – did you see how much she put on over Christmas? And, apart from her weight, she was a fucking brilliant PA. Anyway, no chance of me coming to lunch. I’ve still got the hangover from hell – glad these bloody millennium thingys only come once every ten years. And I’ve got to start Desperate Dan’s Coke presentation. God, you should see this document. Bloody sodding pie charts everywhere!!!!!!!! Who reads this bollocks? Looks like I’ll be in all night – bang goes step. If you get hold of Fi, e me back with details!!!! I feel so sorry for her!! Cxxx
Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 12.42pm
to… Brett Topowlski
cc…
re… tossers
Is the Coke brief the biggest wank-off yet, or what? Do Crutton and Westbrooke really think we can write decent ads on a strategy like that? ‘Coke: lifeblood’ – what the fuck does it mean? And what’s a ‘carbonated lifestyle delivery system’ when it’s at home? Even Pinki says it stinks. Major worry – I rely on her magic touch with shit briefs. See you in BZ in fifteen and we’ll talk tits: i.e. how the fuck I can get Joanne Guest’s award winning baps into a Kimbelle Super Dri ad without Pinki having me up for Grievous Political Incorrectness.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 12.45pm
to… Creative Department
cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke
re… arses in gear 2
I am sure you will join me in thanking David and Daniel for a staggeringly inspirational briefing.
‘Coke: lifeblood’ is a truly incisive strategy – one that gives you the chance to do some really famous work.
No doubt your creative juices will be flowing like the Ganges in flood.
I would like to see first thoughts early next week.
Let us get out there and grab the advertising Rottweiler by its hairy testes.
Si
Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 12.49pm
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… tossers
BZ at 1.00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 12.59pm
to… Chandra Kapoor
cc…
re… e-mail
When the Microsoft ads ask me, ‘Where do you want to go today?’, I do not reply with ‘Finland’ – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.
As Head of IT, surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send a bloody internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.
NB: do not blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework’.
Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 2.10pm
to… Carla Browne
cc…
re… the dirt!!!
Boy, oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx
Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.00pm
to… Zoe Clarke
cc…
re… the dirt!!!
God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell! !!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx
Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.03pm
to… Carla Browne
cc…
re… the dirt!!!
Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx
Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.07pm
to… Rachel Stevenson
cc…
re… our meeting
Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla
james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa
3/1/00, 3.15pm (10.15am local)
to… all_departments@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS
I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.
The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.
Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.
Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!
Jim Weissmuller
President, Miller Shanks Worldwide
Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.21pm
to… Rachel Stevenson
cc…
re… hooray!
I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoe
PS I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 4.13pm (6.13pm local)
to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc…
re… FASCINATING FINLAND
Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! ‘The dullest country in Europe’? We are compiling a small list of ‘Finnish Delights’ to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.
• The noble reindeer.
• 397 different flavours of vodka.
• A thriving dancing scene inspired very much by your own Pan’s People.
• The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Räahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!
• Reindeer à la Grêcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.
• The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.
• The National Museum of the Herring in Väasa.
I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish. I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!
Tally-ho! Pertti
PS: My own creativity boffins are now working out their first ‘well-wicked’ Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.16pm
to… Rachel Stevenson
cc…
re… Carla Browne
Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.
This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?
I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.
Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.24pm
to… David Crutton
cc…
re… Carla Browne
I am so chuffed for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!
Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 4.43pm
to… Liam O’Keefe
cc…
re… PHWOOOAR!
Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Razzle (36DD/aerosol of Anchor Cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!
Zoe Clarke – 3/1/00, 4.59pm
to… Carla Browne
cc…
re… SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx
Ken Perry – 3/1/00, 5.08pm
to… All Departments
cc…
re… carpeting
You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 5.36pm
to… Brett Topowlski
cc…
re… PHWOOOAR!
Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.
David Crutton – 3/1/00, 6.09pm
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… fucking ghost ship
I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.
This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.42pm
to… David Crutton
cc…
re… fucking ghost ship
I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.
It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières. Leave it to me.
By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.
Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.
We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.
We are up a creek by the name of merde.
Sans paddle.
As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.
Si
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.44pm
to… Susi Judge-Davis
cc…
re… teams
Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?
Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.48pm
to… David Crutton
cc…
re… Mako
Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.
Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.
Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 6.50pm
to… Simon Horne
cc…
re… teams
Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx
Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.59pm
to… James Gregory
cc…
re… Mako
You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.
Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 7.28pm
to… Creative Department
cc…
bcc… David Crutton
re… your careers
A nightmare is developing on Mako.
We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.
And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.
Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?
Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.
And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:
‘Is it a gold?’
Si
Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 11.34pm
to… All Departments
cc…
re… anybody out there?
It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!
Nige
Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 11.36pm
to… Nigel Godley
cc…
re… anybody out there?
Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4
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