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From Heartache To Forever
Caroline Anderson
Passion, pregnancy, heartbreak… Can they find their happy-ever-after? Fresh out of broken relationships, trauma specialist Ryan McKenna and nurse Beth Costello’s passion-fueled fling was a welcome escape. But the shock of an unexpected pregnancy and the heartache of losing the baby they never knew they wanted was too much to bear. Now, working together again in Yoxburgh, where they first made love, can they finally get to know each other…and discover they’re meant to be together?
Passion, pregnancy, heartbreak…
Can they find their happy-ever-after?
Fresh out of broken relationships, trauma specialist Ryan McKenna and nurse Beth Costello’s passion-fueled fling was a welcome escape. But the shock of an unexpected pregnancy and the heartache of losing the baby they never knew they wanted was too much to bear. Now, working together again in Yoxburgh, where they first made love, can they finally get to know each other…and discover they’re meant to be together?
CAROLINE ANDERSON is a matriarch, writer, armchair gardener, unofficial tearoom researcher and eater of lovely cakes. Not necessarily in that order! What Caroline loves: her family. Her friends. Reading. Writing contemporary love stories. Hearing from readers. Walks by the sea with coffee/ice cream/cake thrown in! Torrential rain. Sunshine in spring/autumn. What Caroline hates: losing her pets. Fighting with her family. Cold weather. Hot weather. Computers. Clothes shopping. Caroline’s plans: keep smiling and writing!
Also by Caroline Anderson (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
One Night, One Unexpected Miracle
Yoxburgh Park Hospital miniseries
Risk of a Lifetime
Best Friend to Wife and Mother?
Their Meant-to-Be Baby
The Midwife’s Longed-For Baby
Bound by Their Babies
Their Own Little Miracle
A Single Dad to Heal Her Heart
From Heartache to Forever
Discover more at millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk).
From Heartache to Forever
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
ISBN: 978-1-474-09021-6
FROM HEARTACHE TO FOREVER
© 2019 Caroline Anderson
Published in Great Britain 2019
by Mills & Boon, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This edition is published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations and incidents are purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, business establishments, locations, events or incidents. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.
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Contents
Cover (#u57e7fe69-77c8-58e0-86d5-6d64f372c5af)
Back Cover Text (#u5b2d4b87-618f-5be3-9380-0e235d19f489)
About the Author (#u91b25178-4058-5aa7-8d6c-7c8ab33677f9)
Booklist (#uc56b6bee-fad7-5314-be67-a02a4ccb3d51)
Title Page (#u18ab483a-2d28-5f80-b774-b486ad28f7c2)
Copyright (#u4799e86e-f2c1-5b45-9719-e0c2bef543dc)
Note to Readers
CHAPTER ONE (#u62b8cfcb-7ae0-5d13-9299-d4190be30710)
CHAPTER TWO (#u7cd74594-39b0-5970-9672-1c5cdbf21956)
CHAPTER THREE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FOUR (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIVE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIX (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE (#litres_trial_promo)
EPILOGUE (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ONE (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
‘AH, BETH, JUST the person. I’ve got a favour to ask you.’
Her heart sank. Again?
‘How did I know that was coming, right at the end of my shift?’
She turned towards James with a wry smile and then everything ground to a halt, because the man standing beside the ED’s clinical lead was painfully, gut-wrenchingly familiar.
His strangely piercing ice blue eyes locked on hers, his mouth opening as if to speak, but James was still talking, oblivious to the tension running between them.
‘Beth, this is Ryan McKenna, our new locum consultant. Ryan, this is—’
‘Hello, Beth.’
Her name was a gentle murmur, his eyes softening as he took a step forward and gathered her up against his chest in a hug so warm, so welcome that it brought tears to her eyes.
‘Oh, Ry—’
He let her go long before she was ready, stared down into her eyes and feathered a kiss on her cheek.
‘OK. So I’m guessing you two know each other already, or this is love at first sight,’ James said drily, and Ryan laughed a little off kilter, taking a step back and giving her some much-needed space to drag herself together.
‘Yeah, we know each other,’ Ryan said, his voice oddly gruff. ‘We—er—we worked together, before I went abroad. Best scrub nurse I’ve ever had the privilege of working with.’
There was a whole world left unsaid, but James just nodded, still unaware of the turmoil going on under his nose.
‘Well, it’s good to know you got on—we rely on teamwork. Beth, I was going to ask you if you could be a star and give Ryan the once-over of the department and then take him for a coffee? They really need me in Resus, and I’m sure you’d like to catch up?’
‘What, now?’ she asked, feeling a flicker of something that could have been panic.
‘If you can spare the time. I’d be really grateful and they do need me.’
She met Ryan’s eyes, one eyebrow raised a fraction. ‘Are you OK with this?’ he murmured.
As if James had left her with a choice…
‘It’s fine, Ry. I don’t have to be anywhere,’ she said quietly, surrendering to the inevitable, and she turned back to James. ‘Go. You’re right, they could really use you. Sam’s tearing his hair out and Livvy’s rushed off her feet. We’ll be fine.’
He nodded, his face relieved. ‘Thanks, Beth. You’re a star. And while you’re at it, if you could convince him to apply for the permanent post, you’ll have my undying gratitude.’
Her heart thudded, the flicker threatening to turn into a full-on panic attack.
‘I thought the application window was closed?’
‘It’s been extended. So—if you could twist his arm?’
He was smiling, but his meaning was clear, and they were desperate for another consultant, but simply seeing Ryan again had sent her emotions into freefall and her hard-won status quo felt suddenly threatened. A locum post was one thing, but she didn’t know if she could cope with him here on a permanent basis, not when she was finally putting her life and her heart back together after the last two agonising years.
Not that it, or she, would ever be the same again…
Anyway, it wasn’t relevant, because he was committed to Medicine For All, the aid organisation he’d been working with for the past two years, and she knew how strongly he felt about that. He’d walked away from Katie because she didn’t understand, so there was no way he’d be looking for a permanent job and he obviously hadn’t been clear enough with James.
‘Leave it with me,’ she said, which wasn’t a yes but it was the best she could do, because she was oddly torn between wanting to run away and wanting to talk to him, to find out how he was.
Because something had changed him, she could see that at a glance. He was thinner, his face slightly drawn, shadows lurking in the back of his eyes. The same shadows that lurked in hers after all that had happened between them? Or other shadows, from the things he’d seen in those two years? Both, probably.
‘Sure?’ James asked, maybe finally picking up on the tension running between them, and she nodded.
‘I’m sure. Go. Leave it to me.’
‘Thank you. I know you’ll do your best. I’ll see you on Monday, Ryan. I’m really pleased you’ve agreed to join us.’
‘So am I. I’ll look forward to working with you.’
They shook hands and she watched James go, then Ryan turned back to her with a wry smile that touched her heart.
‘Forget the guided tour. Is there somewhere quiet we can go and get a coffee?’
She felt a wave of relief and nodded. ‘Yes. There’s a café that opens onto the park. We can sit outside.’
The café was busy, but they found a little bistro table bathed in April sunshine and tucked out of the way so they could talk without being overheard, and he settled opposite her and met her eyes, his searching.
‘So, how are you?’
Her heart thumped. ‘Oh—you know.’ She tried to smile. ‘Getting there, bit by bit. You?’
That wry, sad smile again, flickering for an instant and then gone. ‘I’m OK.’
She wasn’t sure she believed him, but there was something else…
‘So, how come you’re here, in Yoxburgh? Is that deliberate?’ she asked, needing to know if he’d sought her out or just stumbled on her by accident, but he nodded slowly.
‘Yoxburgh? Yes, sort of. I needed a job, there was one here, and I know it’s a lovely place. But I didn’t know you were here, if that’s what you’re asking, not until I saw you.’
‘Would you have applied if you’d known?’
He shrugged. ‘Not without talking to you first to see if you were OK with it.’
‘Why? If you needed a job—’
‘There are plenty of jobs.’
‘But not here.’
‘No. Not here, and I wanted to be here, but now—well, that depends.’
Her heart hiccupped. ‘On?’
‘You, of course. If you’re working in the ED, we’ll probably be working together. I’m OK with that, we worked well together before, but us—you and me—that’s different. Much more complicated, and the last thing I want is to make things difficult for you, so I need to know if you’re going to be OK with me being underfoot all the time.’
Was she?
‘Just so long as you don’t expect to pick up where we left off. Well, not that, obviously, but—you know. Before…’
He frowned, his eyes raw. ‘I don’t expect anything, Beth. The way we left things, I’ve got no right to expect anything. For all I know you might be back with Rick.’
‘Rick?’ It startled a laugh out of her because after everything that had happened Rick was so far off her radar it was almost funny. ‘No way. He was a lying cheat, why would I be back with him, any more than you’d be back with Katie?’
He gave a startled laugh. ‘OK, I can see that, but—someone?’
‘No. It’s just me, and I’m happy that way. You?’
He laughed again. ‘Me? I haven’t had time to breathe, never mind get involved with anyone. Anyway, people get expectations and then it all gets messy.’
‘Not everyone’s like Katie.’
‘No. They’re not.’ He studied her, his eyes stroking tenderly over her face. She could almost feel their touch, but then he closed them and shook his head with a little laugh. ‘I can’t believe you’re in the ED. What brought that on? I thought Theatre was your life.’
‘You can talk. I thought surgery was your life.’
He shrugged. ‘People change. I was facing a lifetime of increasing specialisation, and I didn’t want to spend every day doing the same thing over and over again until I’d perfected it. I wanted a change, and MFA provided me with that, and over the course of my time with them I realised I like trauma work. I like the variety, the pace, but you…’
‘I wanted a change, too.’ Needed a change, because everywhere she’d looked there’d been reminders of what she’d lost, and she’d found working in Theatre with anyone but him just plain wrong. ‘So, when did you get back?’
‘Two weeks ago. I’ve been back a few times on leave, picked up a bit of locum work here and there to refill the coffers and keep my registration up to date, but this time it’s for good.’
For good?
She felt her eyes widen, and her heart thumped. ‘Really?’
His smile was sad. ‘Yes, really. I’ve seen enough horror, lost some good friends, seen way too many dead chil—’
She flinched, and he gave a quiet groan.
‘Sorry. I didn’t…’
‘It’s OK,’ she lied. ‘And I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like. So, was it after you lost your friends you decided to come back?’
He gave a wry laugh. ‘No. Oddly, that was when I decided to stay on longer, to carry on the work they were doing because it was so necessary, but there’ll always be others waiting to take my place and it was time to come home because I’m just as needed here in many ways. My grandparents are frail and my mother’s shouldering the whole burden on her own, and it just seemed like it was time. Time to move on with my life, to get back to the day job, as it were. Back to the future.’
With her?
He’d said it was time to move on with his life, but he was the one who didn’t do relationships. Not after Katie had tried to get pregnant to stop him going away.
But what if he’d changed now, got MFA out of his system and was ready to settle down? It sounded like it, and maybe he wanted to try again with her? Maybe a bit more seriously this time—although it could hardly have been more serious than the way it had turned out. But if he did?
She wasn’t sure she was ready for that, not yet. She was still working through life day by day, hour by hour, step by step. She stared down into her coffee, stirring the froth mindlessly.
‘So that’s me,’ he murmured. ‘How about you? Are you happy here, in Yoxburgh?’
Happy? She could hardly remember what that felt like.
‘As happy as I can be anywhere,’ she said honestly. ‘It’s a lovely place, and that weekend we spent here—it was really special, the walks, the feel of the sea air—we said then what an amazing place it would be to live, and then a job came up here and I thought, why not? I was sick of working in an inner city, the noise and the dirt and the chaos, and I wanted to get away from all the reminders. I just needed peace.’
Peace to heal, to reconcile herself, to learn to live again, and where better than here, where it all began—
She sucked in a breath and looked up again. ‘So how come you applied for the locum job?’
He shrugged. ‘Same reason, I guess. I loved it here, the peace, the tranquillity of the coast and the countryside, and I needed that, after all I’ve seen. And there were the memories. I know we were only here for a weekend, but it was hugely significant.’
He looked away, his brow creased in a thoughtful frown, then he looked back and met her eyes. ‘If I’d known you were pregnant, Beth, I wouldn’t have gone away—not then, at least. I would have found a way out of it, delayed it or something. Not that it would have changed anything, but at least I could have been there for you. And I did try when I knew, but you didn’t seem to want me there, and I couldn’t really do anything anyway, nothing constructive, so I left and I tried to airbrush you out of my life, out of my thoughts, but I couldn’t. I realised that, the moment I got back when all I could think about was seeing you again, making sure you were all right.’
He’d tried to airbrush her out of his thoughts? And failed? Well, that made two of them. Even so…
‘Why didn’t you act on it? You’ve been back two weeks and you haven’t contacted me.’
‘You’ve changed your phone number.’
She felt a twinge of guilt. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I suppose I should have told you. But you could have found me if you’d really wanted to. You know enough people.’
He nodded. ‘You’re right, and I was going to as soon as I knew what I was doing, where I was going to be, but whatever, I’ve found you now, I’m here, I’m back for good, and at least I know you’re all right. Well, as all right as you can be, I guess.’
Their eyes locked, his heavy with understanding, and she felt her heart quiver.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, the admission wrung from her without her consent, and he smiled sadly.
‘I’ve missed you, too. I didn’t realise how much, until I saw you again. All that airbrushing just didn’t work.’
Her eyes welled, and she blinked the tears away.
‘Ry, I’m not the person I was. I’ve changed.’
‘I’m sure you have. So have I. Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything, Beth, but it is good to see you again and I’m so sorry I let you down. I wish I could undo it.’
She nodded, looking away from those all-seeing eyes, turning her attention back to the froth on her coffee. She poked the last bit of froth with the spoon, then looked up again.
‘So if you really are done with MFA, are you going for the permanent post? James was groaning the other day about the calibre of the applicants so they’ve obviously had to extend the closing date, and it sounds like he wants you to apply.’
He looked thoughtful. ‘That depends.’
‘On?’
‘You, again, of course.’ He shrugged again. ‘I don’t want to do something that you don’t want, Beth. If you don’t want me here, I won’t apply, especially since we’ll be working together. I know I’ve accepted the locum job, but if that’s an issue, too, I can always pull out. I haven’t signed anything yet.’
She frowned at him. ‘But you’ve said you’ll do it! You’d never go back on your word.’
‘I would if it would hurt you. The last thing I want is to hurt you again.’
She shook her head. ‘You didn’t hurt me, not like Rick hurt me. You didn’t lie and cheat and sleep with my best friend and then pretend it was over when it wasn’t. Your only failing was your commitment to Medicine For All, but I got that. I understood, and I admired you for it.’
‘Katie didn’t.’
‘I know, but I’m not Katie, and you’re not Rick, and you’ve never hurt me. And you were there for me when it mattered, and you stayed until it was over. That meant so much.’
‘I could have stayed longer. Should have stayed longer.’
‘No. I didn’t want you to, Ryan. You needed to go back, to fulfil your commitments, and I needed to be on my own. You were right, you couldn’t do anything constructive to help me, and there were people in other parts of the world who really did need you. Don’t feel guilty.’
‘But I do.’
‘Well, don’t. I don’t need your guilt, I’ve got enough burdens. You did the right thing.’
She straightened up and smiled at him, pushing back the shadows. ‘Why don’t I give you that guided tour James was talking about, and introduce you to some of the others? And then you can decide if you want to apply.’
‘You don’t mind? I might get it. You have to be sure.’
She shrugged. ‘Ryan, we’re in desperate need of another consultant and I can’t stand in the way of that, but I can’t promise you a future with me, not in any way, so if you’re thinking of applying because of that—’
‘I’m not. I’ve told you, I don’t expect anything from you.’
‘Good. Let’s go and do this, then.’
The department was much as expected—modern, well equipped, but ridiculously busy, and he could see why he was needed.
And they had a permanent post going. It would be a great job, a perfect place to settle down—with Beth?
No. She’d warned him off, said she’d changed, and so had he, and yet he’d still felt his heart slam against his chest at the sight of her, felt a surge of something utterly unexpected when he’d pulled her into his arms and hugged her.
Love?
Of course not. He didn’t do love, not any more, and anyway, it wouldn’t work. She wanted other things from life, things he didn’t want, things that didn’t include him, but they could still be friends. They could work on that, and it was still a great hospital in a beautiful part of England. What more could a man want? And anyway, it was only a temporary post at the moment. It wasn’t like he was committed. If they couldn’t work together, he could always leave it at that and move on.
‘Seen enough?’
He met her soft grey-green eyes, so bad at hiding her feelings, and he could tell she wanted to get away.
‘Yes. Thank you, Beth. I need to get on, anyway, I’ve got to find somewhere to live by Monday. Any idea who to ask?’
‘Hang on, Livvy Henderson might know.’ She stuck her head back into Resus. ‘Livvy, do you know if anyone’s moved into the house you were renting? Ryan’s looking for somewhere.’
‘Ah, no, Ben’s got a new tenant.’ She flashed him a smile. ‘Sorry I can’t help. I hope you find something, Ryan.’
‘I’m sure I will. Never mind. Thanks.’ He turned back to Beth. ‘So—any other ideas?’
‘Baldwins? They’ve got a few properties near me advertised to let. Might be worth asking them. They’ve got an office on the High Street. It depends what you want.’
He laughed, thinking of some of the places he’d slept in over the past two years, and shook his head. ‘I’m not fussy. Just so long as it has a garden. I need to be able to get outside. And somewhere to park would be handy.’
‘Go and see them. I’m sure they’ll have something.’
He nodded. ‘I will. Thank you. I was thinking I’d check into a hotel and maybe look at some places tomorrow.’
Something flickered in her eyes and then was gone, as if she’d changed her mind. ‘Good idea,’ she said, but nothing more, and he wondered what she’d been going to say. Whatever, she’d thought better of it, and he realised he had some serious work to do to rebuild their friendship.
Baby steps, he thought, and then felt a stab of pain.
‘Right. Well, I’ll see you on Monday.’
The eyes flickered again, and he could see the moment she changed her mind. ‘Give me a call, tell me how you get on.’
‘I don’t have your number, remember.’ And nobody changed their number unless they wanted to hide, so from whom? Rick? Him? Or from the others, the well-meaning friends who hadn’t quite known what to say to her? He could understand that. He’d blocked quite a few numbers.
He pulled out his phone and found her entry. ‘OK, give it to me?’ Then he rang her, and heard her phone buzz in her pocket.
‘OK. I’ll let you know how I get on with—Baldwins?’
‘Yup. Good luck.’
Was it those words, or was it just that the fates had finished playing Russian roulette with him?
Whatever, the agent showed him a whole bunch of stuff, none of which appealed, and then said, very carefully, ‘There is something else. It was for sale but it didn’t shift, so the owner got tenants in and they’ve done a runner and left it in a state, but he’s disabled and can’t afford to pay someone to sort it out, so if you didn’t mind rolling up your sleeves I’m sure I could negotiate a discount. It’s a great place, or it could be. It’s a three-bed bungalow on Ferry Lane, overlooking the marshes and the harbour, and you can see the boats on the river in the distance.’
The river? He could feel his pulse pick up. ‘Does it have a drive?’
‘Oh, yes, and a double garage and a big garden. They had a dog so the house smells a bit, but with a good clean and a tidy-up…’
‘Can I see it?’ he asked, impatient now, because it sounded perfect, doggy or not, and he’d grown up with dogs.
The agent glanced at his watch. ‘I can’t take you today, I’m on my own here, and I’m out of the office until eleven tomorrow, but I can give you the key. I take it you’re trustworthy?’
Ryan laughed. ‘I think so. After all, what can I do to it that the tenants haven’t? Apart from clean it?’
‘Good point. Here. And take my card and give me a call.’
‘I will. Thanks.’
He hefted the key in his hand, slid it into his pocket and headed back to the car, cruising slowly along the clifftop before turning onto Ferry Lane and checking out the numbers. And there it was, a tired-looking bungalow set back at the top of a long concrete drive with weeds growing in the cracks.
Uninspiring, to say the least, and it didn’t get better as he went up the drive, but as he got out of the car he caught sight of the view and felt peace steal over him.
He slid the key into the lock, went through the front door and was confronted by multi-coloured chaos.
The agent was right, it did smell of dog, the kitchen and bathroom were filthy, and the garden was a jungle, but every time he looked out of a window and saw the river in the distance his heart beat a little faster.
It might be awful now, but with a good scrub, the carpets cleaned and the grass cut, it would be transformed. Oh, and about a vat and a half of white paint to cover the lurid walls and calm it all down. All he had to do was roll up his sleeves and get stuck in.
He pulled out his phone and rang the agent.
‘I’ll take it,’ he said, and the man laughed.
‘I thought you might. Your eyes lit up when I mentioned the river.’
‘Yup.’ He laughed. ‘So, where do we go from here? It’s just that I am in quite a hurry, I start work on Monday. Is there any danger we can sort it by then?’
‘Yes, we can do it today. We’re open until seven tonight. If you come in at six, that’ll give me time to get it all sorted.’
So he rang Beth, although he hadn’t meant to, and told her about it.
‘Where is it?’
‘Just up Ferry Lane on the left. It’s number eleven.’
‘Are you still there?’
‘Yes—why?’
‘Can I come? I’m only round the corner and I have to see this.’
He laughed. ‘Sure. You’ll be shocked, it’s pretty dire, but I’ll get my body weight in cleaning materials and paint and it’ll be fine.’
‘It can’t be that bad.’
He just laughed again, and went outside to wait for her.
‘Oh, my word…’
‘Yeah. Great, isn’t it? You’ve got to love the shocking pink. But look.’
He wrapped her shoulders in his warm, firm hands and turned her gently towards the window, and she felt her breath catch. ‘Oh—you can see the river! It’s where we walked that day—’
The day he’d lifted her off the stile and into his arms and kissed her, and she’d fallen a little bit in love with him. The day it had all begun…
‘I know,’ he murmured, his voice a little gruff. ‘It’s beautiful down there, and the thought of having it on my doorstep, being able to look at it all the time, is just amazing.’ He dropped his hands and stepped away from her, but she could still feel the echo of his fingers, the warmth that had radiated off his body.
‘Come and see the rest. He said it’s got three bedrooms but I only got as far as the first one and gave up.’
She could see why. The place was dirty and untidy, as if the tenants had picked up their things and walked away without a backward glance, and there was a pervading odour of dog. There was a lot to do before it was a home.
They walked through it, examining all the rooms, finding the third bedroom at the opposite end to the other two, tucked away beyond the kitchen with a patio door to the garden. It even had an en suite shower room.
‘So will you make this your bedroom?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’ll use it as a study because of the door to the garden. Do you know what, the house is actually in pretty good condition under all the dirt. I don’t think it’ll take a lot to turn it around.’
She eyed the grubby carpets, the faded curtains, the filthy bathroom. ‘If you say so.’
‘It’s only dirt. I’ll get on it in the morning. I’ve got to go down to the office now to sign something, then I need to eat and find a bed for the night. Any suggestions?’
Why? Why did she say it? She had no idea, but without her consent her mouth opened.
‘I’ve got a spare room, and a casserole in the slow cooker that’s enough for three meals so that should do us, so we can eat after you’ve done the paperwork and then come back here and make a start if you like? I’m on early tomorrow but I can help you now, and again after my shift. Bear in mind it’s Friday tomorrow, so you’ve only got three days before you start work and I guess you’ve got other stuff to do first. Like find some furniture, for starters.’
He laughed. ‘Furniture would be handy.’ His smile faded as he searched her eyes, his own unreadable. ‘Beth, are you sure? That’s a lot to ask.’
Sure? She wasn’t in the slightest bit sure, but it seemed the sensible thing to do, the most practical, and she was nothing if not practical.
‘I’m sure,’ she lied. ‘And anyway, you didn’t ask, I offered.’
She just hoped it wasn’t a huge mistake.
It was just as well she’d agreed to help, because the house was worse than he’d thought.
After they’d eaten he changed into jeans, rolled up his sleeves and they went straight back to tackle the mess, armed with the contents of her cleaning cupboard. She hit the kitchen while he tore up the bedroom carpets, and by the time he’d done that it looked a whole lot better. Then he studied the sitting room carpet.
Was it salvageable? Doubtful, but with a clean…
He turned back the corner to see what was underneath, and blinked. Seriously? An original wood block floor? He pulled back more, then more, and started to laugh because it was so unexpected and wonderful.
‘Hey, come and see this,’ he called, and Beth went into the sitting room, clad in shocking pink rubber gloves that matched the awful walls, a streak of dirt on her cheek, and his heart crashed against his ribs.
How could she look so sexy?
‘Wow! That’s amazing. It’s gorgeous!’
It wasn’t alone. He dragged his eyes off her, looking way more appealing than she had any right to look with dirt on her face and her hair all sweaty, and studied the floor. ‘Well, I don’t know about gorgeous, but it knocks spots off the carpet and it’ll save me money. I wonder if the hall’s the same?’
It was, so was the dining room, and he was stunned.
‘It’s incredible. I love it. I think you’re right, a bit of polish and it will be gorgeous. Right, let’s go. It’s late, you’re working tomorrow and I could kill for a cup of tea.’
‘Me, too. It might wash the dust out of my throat.’
He chuckled, and her eyes softened with her smile. Without thinking, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her, burying his face in her hair and breathing in dust and bleach and something else, something familiar that made his heart ache.
‘Thank you. Thank you so much for all you’ve done. You’ve been amazing and I wouldn’t have got nearly as far without you.’
She eased away, leaving him feeling a little awkward and a bit bereft. ‘Yeah, you would, because you wouldn’t have stopped. Right, time to go.’
‘Tea or coffee?’
‘Tea would be lovely, thank you. Want a hand?’
‘No, you’re fine. Go and relax, I won’t be long.’
Relax? He was too wired for that, and stiffening up nicely after all the heaving and bending. He was going to hurt in the morning. Ah, well. At least they’d made a start.
He flexed his shoulders and strolled over to the shelves in the corner of her sitting room beside the fireplace, where a silver trinket box had caught his eye. It was a heart, he discovered, smooth and rounded, incredibly simple but somehow beautiful, and crying out to be touched.
He picked it up, and it settled neatly into the palm of his hand as if it belonged there, the metal cool against his palm, the surface so smooth it felt like silk. There was something written on it, he realised, and he traced it with his fingertip, his heart starting to pound as he read the tiny inscription.
A date. A date he recognised, a date he could never forget because it was carved on his heart, too.
He heard her footsteps behind him.
‘Tea,’ she said, her voice sounding far away, the clink of the mugs as she put them down oddly loud in the silence. He turned slowly towards her, the heart still nestled in the palm of his hand.
‘What’s this?’ he asked gruffly, knowing the answer, and her smile nearly broke his heart.
‘Her ashes.’
Her face blurred, and he bent his head and lifted the tiny urn to his lips, his eyes squeezed tightly shut to trap the tears inside.
‘You kept them,’ he said, when he could speak.
‘Of course. I didn’t know what else to do. You weren’t there by the time I picked them up, and I didn’t want to stay where we were because of all the reminders and I knew if they were there I’d feel tied, so I had to keep her with me until we could decide together what to do.’
He looked up, blinking so he could see her face, and her smile cracked.
‘Oh, Beth…’
He reached out his free arm and pulled her against his side, and she laid her hand over the delicate little urn in his hand, her fingers curling round over his as she rested her head on his shoulder.
‘Grace didn’t suffer, Ry. At least we know that.’
He nodded, and she lifted the little heart gently out of his hand, kissed it and put it back on the shelf, next to a pretty cardboard box. She touched it fleetingly.
‘That’s her memory box,’ she said softly. ‘The midwives gave it to me in the hospital. Would you like to see it?’
He shook his head, mentally backing away from it, unable to face it. ‘No. Not tonight. I’m too tired, Beth. I think I might head up to bed. I’ve got another long day tomorrow and you’re working.’
Her smile was understanding, as if she’d seen straight through him.
‘When you’re ready,’ she said gently, but he’d spent two long years running away from it and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready for what he knew must be in that memory box.
Time to stop running? Maybe, but not now. Not tonight.
Not yet…
CHAPTER TWO (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
‘ARE YOU OK?’
Ryan propped himself against the doorframe of his newly acquired home and gave her a slightly crooked smile.
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’
‘Are you sure? Because you didn’t look it last night.’
He hadn’t felt it, and between the memories that the little heart had dragged up out of their hiding place and the knowledge that Beth was just on the other side of the wall, he’d hardly slept at all. And then seeing this place in daylight, realising the enormity of the task, had made him wonder what on earth he was doing.
So, yeah, one way and another, he was very far from fine.
He scrubbed a hand through his hair and shrugged away from the doorframe, stepping back into the hall to let her in. ‘I was tired. And, yes, OK, I was—uh—I was a bit emotional. It was just holding it, you know? Knowing Grace was in there.’
She nodded. ‘I know.’ Her smile faltered, and she sucked in a breath and looked around, then blinked. ‘Oh—wow! What happened to the pink?’
He laughed. ‘Three coats of white paint happened to it.’
‘Three? Already? What are you, Superman?’
‘It’s been a nice breezy day and I’ve had all the windows open so the paint’s dried quickly and it really doesn’t take that long. I’ve done the sitting room, as well. Have a look.’
He pushed the door open and followed her in, and she gasped.
‘Oh! It looks so much bigger. And brighter.’
He chuckled. ‘That wouldn’t be hard. Cup of tea?’
‘That would be lovely. I haven’t had a lot to drink today. I’ve brought scruffy clothes.’
He frowned at her. ‘You’ve been working all day.’
‘So? It was the sensible Friday shift. The late shift won’t have it so easy.’
He headed for the kitchen. ‘Tea or coffee? I bought a kettle and some mugs and stuff.’
‘Tea, please.’
He felt her watching him dunking tea bags, pouring milk, his hands covered in paint. There was some in his hair, too, he’d noticed. He was going to have to do some serious scrubbing to get it off by Monday.
‘So how was work?’ he asked, handing her the mug. ‘Anything interesting?’
‘Not really, a few sporting and gardening injuries, the odd fall, but nothing nasty, just busy.’
He thought of his average day with MFA and laughed. ‘I’ll take that.’
‘I guessed you would. Bit of a change from what you’ve been doing.’
‘Yeah.’ He put away the memories and conjured up a smile. ‘Here—let’s go in the garden. I found a bench. It’s a bit wobbly, but it should be OK if we sit down carefully.’
He scooped up a packet of biscuits and she followed him through the dining room and the tired conservatory into the garden.
She eyed the bench dubiously as it creaked under his weight. ‘I think I’ll sit here,’ she said, taking a biscuit and perching on the edge of the steps that led up to the garden from the patio. Well, patio was a bit of a stretch. Some uneven crazy paving, but it was somewhere to put a table and chairs.
‘It’s a pretty garden.’
He snorted, but she stuck to her guns. ‘It is! Look at the perennials in the border.’
‘I see them. I also see the weeds, and the foot-high grass, and the fence that’s making a bid for freedom. I don’t think this place has had any maintenance in living memory but hey, it’ll give me something to do in my time off. That’ll be a bit of a luxury.’
‘Time off?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, you don’t get a lot of that in the field. You only do three months at a time, but it’s pretty full on.’ He fell silent, his thoughts obviously miles away, and she wondered what he was seeing. Probably just as well not to know.
‘Here, have another biscuit before I eat them all.’
He got up to hand her the packet, and as he pushed himself up the bench creaked again and slid over sideways into a heap.
She laughed. She tried not to, but his face was a picture and she dissolved into giggles.
‘How is that funny?’ he asked, but his lips were twitching and seconds later he was sitting beside her on the steps, clutching his stomach and laughing just as helplessly as her.
‘Maybe you need to invest in some new garden furniture,’ she suggested when she could speak again, and he nodded.
‘Maybe. Or I can sit here and study the windows. They really need replacing.’
‘Buy a new bench. It’s cheaper than the windows and you don’t own the house.’
‘No, I don’t. Not yet.’
Yet? She turned and met his eyes.
‘Yet?’
‘It’s possibly for sale.’
‘But—you’re a locum! Why would you buy it?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t, unless I was going to be living here long term.’ He paused, looked away, then looked back, his eyes searching hers. ‘I think I want to apply for the permanent job.’
She wasn’t expecting that, not so soon, not before he’d even started work there, but realistically what was there to know? He’d met James and a few of the others, he knew her, he knew he loved the town—what more was there?
Nothing—except her, and her feelings, and if he’d asked her what they were she’d be hard pushed to tell him, because after seeing him with Grace’s heart last night they were even more confused. She looked away.
‘I’d give it a few days before you decide. You might hate it.’
‘Unlikely, and I can always withdraw my application if I want to.’
‘Withdraw it?’ She laughed. ‘You seriously think James wouldn’t talk you out of doing that?’
‘I know he wouldn’t. Not if I don’t want to be talked out of it. If you don’t want me here, Beth, I’ll go, no matter how much James wants me to stay.’
She searched his eyes, read the sincerity in them, the concern for her welfare. And then she thought of the little silver heart that had fitted so perfectly in the palm of his hand…
She wanted him to stay.
It was the last thing she’d expected to feel and she had no idea where it had come from, but it hit like a lightning bolt, and she sucked in a breath and got to her feet.
‘Let’s just see,’ she said, tipping out the dregs of her tea onto the weedy grass behind her. ‘So—what’s next?’
‘My bedroom. I’m picking up my clothes and other stuff from my mother’s on Sunday, and I can borrow her airbed.’
‘Airbed?’ She turned and stared at him. ‘Ry, there’s no hurry. You can stay with me as long as you want.’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’ve put you out quite enough, Beth. I’ll stay tonight and tomorrow, but then I’ll be here.’
‘But—you’ve got no furniture. It’s a bit basic,’ she murmured, but he just laughed.
‘Basic? Having a roof is a luxury in some of the places I’ve been. Trust me, this is a palace. I’ve got a new bed and sofa coming on Monday evening. I’ll be fine.’
‘If you say so.’ She shrugged, not quite believing him, and headed back into the house, wondering if she should feel hurt that he didn’t want to stay, and telling herself not to be stupid. He’d always been independent and she wasn’t going to change him. ‘How about I get stuck in and clean the rest while you do the bedroom, then?’
They stopped at eight because the light was failing and they were both tired, but his bedroom was painted and the kitchen, cloakroom and both bathrooms were gleaming and she’d started on the windows.
He waited till she’d finished the pane she was working on, then took the cloth out of her hand. ‘Come on, it’s late, and you’re working tomorrow. Why don’t we pick up a takeaway?’
She gave him a tired smile. ‘That sounds great. How does the bedroom look?’
‘Bigger, and it’s got that amazing view.’
‘Just as well, as you don’t have any curtains. Right, come on, we’ve got another long day tomorrow.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind? I feel like I’m taking advantage of your good nature.’
‘Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t happy.’
He wasn’t sure about that. Beth had a heart of gold, a heart that he’d broken, even if only indirectly, by not making sure she couldn’t get pregnant.
‘You’re a star,’ he said, echoing James, and she shook her head.
‘No, Ryan, I’m a friend,’ she said simply, and her words brought a lump to his throat because while it was true, in a strange way she meant so much more than that to him and he didn’t have the words to say so.
He didn’t even think there was a word for what they were to each other, he just knew she was an indelible part of his life and always would be.
By the end of Saturday the place was transformed.
Once the paint was dry he’d pulled up the carpet in the sitting room, dining room and hall, and together they mopped and polished the wood block floor and stood back to admire it.
‘Wow. You were right, Beth, it is gorgeous. Stunning.’
‘I thought it would be. How about pots and pans and things, if you insist on moving in so quickly? And bedroom curtains, come to that.’
‘Oh, I’m sure Mum’s got some I can borrow. I don’t need much for the kitchen, and there’s a box in the pantry. There might be something in there worth salvaging.’
They went and had a look, and the answer was a maybe.
‘I’ll take the box home, sort through it and put anything worth having through my dishwasher and bring it back tomorrow, if you give me a key,’ she said, so he loaded it into her car, locked the house and went back to hers for the third and final night.
Not that he’d have a real bed until Monday, but as he’d said, a roof was more than he’d had at times, and he’d be fine—and maybe better than fine. He might even sleep if she wasn’t lying there in the next room, just on the other side of the wall…
‘Morning!’
Beth turned and met his eyes with a smile, her heart skipping a beat at the sound of his voice.
‘Morning. All ready for your first shift?’
‘Yes, absolutely. It’ll make a refreshing change from painting. That’s just mind-numbing.’
She felt her mouth twitch and bit her lip. ‘Be careful what you wish for. Did you get on OK yesterday? And did you sleep last night?’
He laughed softly and propped himself up against the central desk. ‘Like a log, but I’m looking forward to my new bed. I’m all done with sleeping bags.’
‘You could have stayed at mine again,’ she reminded him.
‘I know, but I didn’t want to outstay my welcome and I know you well enough to realise you wouldn’t tell me if I had. Thanks for the card and the house plant. The place looks almost civilised in a rather empty way.’
‘You’re welcome,’ she murmured. ‘I thought it needed cheering up a bit. I put the kitchen stuff in the pantry, too. It might come in handy. Here—your spare key. And talking of keys, has anyone given you a locker or anything?’
He slid the key into his pocket. ‘No, and I could do with some scrubs, if you could point me in the right direction?’
She nodded, and spent the next ten minutes sorting him out. ‘Right, is that everything you need?’
‘Pretty much. Thank you. I’d better go and find James.’
‘He’s in Resus.’
He nodded, and she went back to work and left him to find his feet, but it wasn’t long before they were in Resus together, working on a patient who’d been brought in after being knocked off his motorbike by a driver who hadn’t seen him.
His left leg had an open fracture and the paramedics has splinted it, but it didn’t look good and he was clearly in a lot of pain and his blood pressure was low.
‘Right, someone cut his clothes off so we can have a good look please,’ Ryan said swiftly. ‘Can I have the FAST scanner, and a gram of TXA in an infusion, and I want X-rays of the skull and that leg. Leave the collar and helmet on for now. Hi, I’m Ryan, and I’m a doctor. Can you tell me what happened, Jim?’
While he spoke to Jim and the radiographer took the X-rays, Beth set up the tranexamic acid infusion to slow the bleeding while Ryan’s gentle fingers checked the man’s ribs, abdomen and pelvis.
His leg was tinged blue below the fracture, and Beth checked the pulses in his foot.
‘No pedal pulse,’ she told Ryan, and he nodded.
‘OK. Jim, there’s a problem with the blood supply to your foot, so I’m going to have to pull your leg straight to sort that out. I’m sorry, it’s going to hurt for a moment but it should feel better afterwards. OK, are you ready, Beth? On three.’
He pulled it straight, checked the pulse and then left her to deal with splinting it while he went back to the abdomen, a frown on his face as he ran the ultrasound wand below the man’s ribs.
‘There’s a shadow. I think he might have an encapsulated bleed.’
‘Spleen?’
He shook his head. ‘No. Left kidney, maybe. There’s a lot of bruising on this side, so I suspect a blunt force injury. Give him another gram of TXA as a bolus and let’s get an X-ray of these ribs, and can we catheterise him, please, and check the urine for blood?’
She was already on it, and it proved his diagnosis right. The blood was obvious, and their patient was starting to deteriorate, so he was whisked away to Interventional Radiology for embolisation of the bleeding vessels before the orthopaedic surgeon could deal with his leg fracture.
They watched him go, and Ryan shook his head, a slightly bemused expression on his face as he stripped off his gloves and apron and headed for the sink.
‘It feels odd not to finish the job. I would have had to deal with both of those injuries in the field, but at least we got the pulse back to his foot and he hasn’t got a skull fracture, so it’s all good.’
‘You almost sound as if you wanted to do it all yourself,’ she said, but he laughed and shook his head.
‘No way. I’m happy to hand him over. I’ve had enough of juggling too many balls. They get dropped, and anyway, it’s nice to have time for coffee occasionally. And that’ll teach me to say the c word,’ he said, and she looked up and saw the next patient already being wheeled in.
It set the tone of the day, one case piling on top of another, but he worked fast and thoroughly, and it was a joy to her to be working alongside him again. It gave her a chance to study him, to remember all the little things she’d forgotten, like the way he frowned when he was concentrating, the way his brow cleared the second it was all under control, the quirk of a brow, the brief nod when he was happy with something.
‘Right, go for lunch, both of you,’ James said, and she realised it was after two. She’d been working alongside him since before eight, and they hadn’t stopped for breath.
‘Sandwich and a coffee?’ she suggested, and he nodded.
‘That would be great. I’m starving. Breakfast was a long, long time ago.’
But yet again it wasn’t to be. Another patient came through the doors, one of three from a nasty RTC, but Jenny, her line manager, came in and relieved her, so she went to the café and picked up lunch for both of them and he ate his in a snatched quiet moment a while later, washed down by the now tepid coffee she’d brought back for him.
‘I can see why I was needed,’ he said with a wry laugh.
‘Oh, you’re certainly needed. Still think it’s better than painting your house?’
His chuckle was dry and a little rueful. ‘It’s certainly more mentally challenging.’
‘Oh, well, you’ve only got another three hours to go. What time’s your furniture being delivered?’
‘I said not before six, and I can’t see me getting away before then so hopefully it’ll be eight or something. Whatever. They said they’d let me know. Right, I’d better go back and reassess my patient. I’ll see you later.’
Not much later, as it turned out.
He was in Resus with another emergency, gloved up and trying to assess a nasty scalp wound with an arterial bleed when his phone jiggled in his pocket.
‘Could someone get my phone, please?’ he asked, and one of the nurses delved in his scrub top pocket and held it up to him.
Damn. He stared at it and groaned. ‘Can someone find Beth, please, if she’s still here? I need to ask her a favour.’
‘I think she is,’ Jenny said. ‘Although she shouldn’t be.’
‘No, I know that, but I saw her walk past ten minutes ago so she might still be around.’
The nurse who’d delved in his pocket came back with Beth a moment later, and she tipped her head on one side.
‘Problem?’
‘Just a bit. I need another favour. I’ve had a message from the delivery team. They’ve said they’ll be there at five and there’s no way I can leave before six and if it goes on like this I won’t get away then. Is there any way you could let them in?’
‘Sure. I should have gone off an hour ago anyway.’
‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘I keep asking you favours—’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She held out her hand. ‘Key?’
Damn. It was still where he’d put it a few hours ago.
‘Right trouser pocket.’
Their eyes locked, and she looked hastily away and squirmed her hand under his plastic apron and into his pocket, groping for the keys while he tried really, really hard to keep his mind in check.
Not to mention his body—
‘These them?’
‘No. The loose one, the one you gave me back,’ he said, and gritted his teeth again while she went back in and rummaged again, then returned the others.
‘Do you want me to check everything’s OK?’
‘No. Just let them in, sign for it as unchecked, that’s all. Well, unless it’s obviously trashed in transit.’ He gave her a rueful smile. ‘Thank you, Beth. I owe you, big-time.’
‘You do. Don’t worry, I’m keeping a tab.’
He grunted, and she gave him a cheeky grin and left him to the spurting artery and his mounting guilt.
She’d spent days helping him, and now she was heading back to his house, waiting in for the furniture. And he was clock-watching, dividing his guilt between his new job and his old friend.
If that was what you could call her, the woman you’d had a brief affair with, who’d ended up giving birth to a baby whose heart was so compromised she’d been doomed from the moment of conception.
There had to be a better word than ‘friend.’ It was what she’d called herself when he’d thanked her for all her help, but she was so much more than that, their relationship so complicated, and he knew they’d be bound together for ever by the heartbreaking loss of their tiny daughter.
His chest squeezed, and he focused his attention on his patient and put Beth, their baby and his guilt out of his mind.
It was after eight before she heard the scrunch of tyres, and she gave the bedding a last swipe with her hand to straighten it, then opened the door.
‘Beth, I can’t believe you’re still here!’ he said instantly, his face hugely apologetic. ‘I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be gone ages ago. Have they not come yet?’
‘Yes, of course they have, they came at five. I’ve just been pottering and waiting for you. Jenny rang me so I knew you’d be late.’
‘I didn’t. Not this late, anyway, and there was no way I could leave.’
‘No, I gather you had another really nasty RTC with multiple casualties. Nice, gentle introduction on your first day.’
He snorted softly. ‘Tell me about it. At least I was working with you, which made it significantly easier. So I assume everything was OK with the furniture?’
‘Fine—lovely. Come and have a look.’
She opened the bedroom door, and he stopped in his tracks.
‘They built the bed?’
‘No, I did, because I didn’t think you’d want to do it after such a hectic shift.’
He stared at her. ‘You did it? Wow. I didn’t for a moment expect you to do that, Beth. Thank you.’
‘It was easy,’ she said, lying slightly because another pair of hands would have been hugely useful. ‘Eight bolts and a few screws.’ She waggled an Allen key at him. ‘They even provided the technology.’
He gave a soft laugh, and hugged her.
‘Thank you so much. I really wasn’t expecting—’
She put her hand over his mouth, cutting him off. ‘Hush. You’ve spent your life looking after people. I thought it was time someone looked after you a bit.’
He reached up and caught her hand, pressing a kiss into her palm before threading his fingers through hers.
‘Thank you.’
His eyes were filled with a host of conflicting emotions, and she guessed he was just as confused as she was. And it really didn’t help that there was a massive bed right beside them…
She retrieved her hand gently and stepped out of reach, ignoring the tingling in her palm. ‘I hope I used the right bedding. It was new, but it was all I could find that would fit.’
‘No, that’s great, it’s all there is,’ he said, his voice unexpectedly gruff. ‘Did the sofa come?’
‘Yes, they unpacked it and the coffee table and took all the packaging away. It looks really good. Go and see.’
She followed him into the sitting room with a silent sigh of relief, and he sat down on the sofa, then swung his legs up and groaned contentedly. ‘Wow. An actual sofa, long enough to lie on—and it’s comfy. That’s such a luxury.’ He looked around and laughed softly. ‘It looks almost homely, in a rather bare sort of way. And the floor’s beautiful.’
He got to his feet, staring down into her eyes searchingly. ‘Look, I could do with a shower, but I’m hungry, and if you haven’t eaten yet, how about going out for something? Nothing fancy, just a pub—or we can go posh, if you like. Up to you.’
Her stomach rumbled, and she gave him a wry smile. ‘Food’s probably a good idea. I haven’t even given it a thought but there’s not a lot in my fridge. I was going shopping after work but I got slightly side-tracked.’
‘Then I’m definitely buying you dinner,’ he said firmly, the guilt back in his eyes. ‘Go home, get changed while I shower, and I’ll pick you up in half an hour. And work out where you want to go.’
She nodded, then on impulse went up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. The brush of stubble against her lips sent a shockwave through her body, and she dropped back onto her heels and headed for the door, more confused than ever.
‘See you in half an hour, then,’ she said lightly, and walked out, letting out a quiet rush of breath.
Clearly her body hadn’t forgotten him, then…
‘Where to?’
‘I thought the Harbour Inn?’
Really? He glanced at her, then away again quickly before she could read his expression. Of all the places to choose…
‘If you like. It’s nice and close.’
He headed down towards the little yacht harbour, to the pub where they’d had lunch nearly two and a half years ago, just before he’d kissed her for the first time and set the ball rolling.
He’d split up with Katie when he’d realised she was trying to get pregnant to stop him joining MFA, and Beth had been right there at the time, working alongside him in Theatre, intriguing him, tempting him—but when after a few weeks he’d asked her out she’d said no, holding him at arm’s length because she didn’t want a relationship.
Well, neither did he, not so soon after Katie, and maybe not for years, but that didn’t make him a monk, and after a week when everyone in the Midlands seemed hell-bent on injuring themselves and they’d been trapped together in Theatre for countless hours, the tension simmering between them had reached breaking point.
He’d needed to get away, get out of the city and away from Beth, but by sheer coincidence they’d both been scheduled for a long weekend off, so he’d put his cards on the table and asked her to go away with him. No strings, no commitment, no relationship, just a few days of adult fun by the seaside after the week from hell, and with any luck it’d get it out of his system.
If she’d said no it would have made life awkward, but frankly it had been awkward enough, so he’d had nothing to lose.
She hadn’t. To his astonishment she’d said yes, so he’d booked a room in a posh spa hotel in Yoxburgh and picked her up on the Saturday morning with a tingling sense of anticipation. They’d been too early to check in, so they’d driven down to the harbour, found the little pub and had lunch, then gone for a stroll along the riverbank to kill time.
And then he’d lifted her down off the stile and kissed her.
She hadn’t held him at arm’s length then, and they’d spent most of the next two days in bed having the hottest sex he’d ever had in his life.
He parked the car, slammed the door on his thoughts and headed into the pub with Beth.
‘It hasn’t changed at all,’ he murmured.
‘No. I doubt if it’s changed for decades. All part of its charm, I guess. So, what are we having?’
‘Fish and chips.’
She laughed at him. ‘Well, that’s healthy.’
‘I don’t care. You can have whatever you like, but after a day like today I need comfort food and calories.’
She gave a low chuckle, the sound running over his nerves like teasing fingertips, and his body leapt to life.
‘I might have the baked cod with a salad,’ she said, and then she tilted her head and looked at him. ‘How’s Jim? Any news?’
‘Yeah, he’s OK. They took out his left kidney, and he’s got an ex-fix on his leg, but he’s doing all right. He’s alive, anyway.’
‘Good. How about the RTC that held you up this evening?’
‘Well, they all made it, which is a relief. It’s never good to lose a patient on your first day.’
She chuckled again, and he gave her an answering smile, but hers faded and she studied him thoughtfully.
‘It was good working together again,’ she said, and he nodded slowly.
‘Yes. Yes, it was. I’d almost forgotten how intuitive we are together. It was like you knew what I’d want without me asking, but then you always could read my mind.’
‘Or maybe I’m just a good nurse and know my stuff.’
He arched a brow, and she pretended to scowl at him, her mouth puckering and making him want to kiss it.
He put his hands in the air, giving up the fight to hold back his smile. ‘Sorry, sorry. You are a good nurse. Best I’ve ever worked with. Is that better?’
‘Yes. Thank you.’ Her smile was back, playing around her mouth and softening her eyes, and for a moment he had an overwhelming urge to lean over and kiss her—
‘Fish and chips?’
He sat back, took a long, slow breath and looked up at their server.
‘Yeah, that’s mine.’ And in the nick of time…
‘Coffee? Unless you want to get back to your lovely new bed?’
He hesitated, then gave in, knowing it was foolish, knowing he was on a knife edge but unable to walk away.
‘It’ll keep another half hour. Coffee would be lovely.’ He cut the engine and followed her into her house. ‘Anything I can do?’
‘No, you’re fine, go and sit down, I’ll bring it through.’
So while she put the kettle on he wandered into the sitting room and closed the curtains, then sat down to wait for her, his eyes seeking out the little silver box as they always did, his heart heavy.
If they’d known before that weekend what was to follow, none of this would have happened, but of course they hadn’t. They’d spent the next two months together in blissful ignorance, and then in late January MFA had sent him on his first posting.
No strings, he’d said, so he’d had no contact with her, which had been fine because he’d been too busy to think about anything else, but then he’d come back on leave in early May, and he’d discovered she was pregnant.
It was his worst nightmare, the last thing he’d ever wanted to hear, and his first instinct was anger because he thought she’d done it on purpose, but then she told him their baby girl had such hugely complex congenital heart defects that she was unlikely to make it to term, and his world fell apart.
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Caroline Anderson
Passion, pregnancy, heartbreak… Can they find their happy-ever-after? Fresh out of broken relationships, trauma specialist Ryan McKenna and nurse Beth Costello’s passion-fueled fling was a welcome escape. But the shock of an unexpected pregnancy and the heartache of losing the baby they never knew they wanted was too much to bear. Now, working together again in Yoxburgh, where they first made love, can they finally get to know each other…and discover they’re meant to be together?
Passion, pregnancy, heartbreak…
Can they find their happy-ever-after?
Fresh out of broken relationships, trauma specialist Ryan McKenna and nurse Beth Costello’s passion-fueled fling was a welcome escape. But the shock of an unexpected pregnancy and the heartache of losing the baby they never knew they wanted was too much to bear. Now, working together again in Yoxburgh, where they first made love, can they finally get to know each other…and discover they’re meant to be together?
CAROLINE ANDERSON is a matriarch, writer, armchair gardener, unofficial tearoom researcher and eater of lovely cakes. Not necessarily in that order! What Caroline loves: her family. Her friends. Reading. Writing contemporary love stories. Hearing from readers. Walks by the sea with coffee/ice cream/cake thrown in! Torrential rain. Sunshine in spring/autumn. What Caroline hates: losing her pets. Fighting with her family. Cold weather. Hot weather. Computers. Clothes shopping. Caroline’s plans: keep smiling and writing!
Also by Caroline Anderson (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
One Night, One Unexpected Miracle
Yoxburgh Park Hospital miniseries
Risk of a Lifetime
Best Friend to Wife and Mother?
Their Meant-to-Be Baby
The Midwife’s Longed-For Baby
Bound by Their Babies
Their Own Little Miracle
A Single Dad to Heal Her Heart
From Heartache to Forever
Discover more at millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk).
From Heartache to Forever
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
ISBN: 978-1-474-09021-6
FROM HEARTACHE TO FOREVER
© 2019 Caroline Anderson
Published in Great Britain 2019
by Mills & Boon, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This edition is published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations and incidents are purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, business establishments, locations, events or incidents. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.
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www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
Note to Readers (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
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Contents
Cover (#u57e7fe69-77c8-58e0-86d5-6d64f372c5af)
Back Cover Text (#u5b2d4b87-618f-5be3-9380-0e235d19f489)
About the Author (#u91b25178-4058-5aa7-8d6c-7c8ab33677f9)
Booklist (#uc56b6bee-fad7-5314-be67-a02a4ccb3d51)
Title Page (#u18ab483a-2d28-5f80-b774-b486ad28f7c2)
Copyright (#u4799e86e-f2c1-5b45-9719-e0c2bef543dc)
Note to Readers
CHAPTER ONE (#u62b8cfcb-7ae0-5d13-9299-d4190be30710)
CHAPTER TWO (#u7cd74594-39b0-5970-9672-1c5cdbf21956)
CHAPTER THREE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FOUR (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIVE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIX (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE (#litres_trial_promo)
EPILOGUE (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ONE (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
‘AH, BETH, JUST the person. I’ve got a favour to ask you.’
Her heart sank. Again?
‘How did I know that was coming, right at the end of my shift?’
She turned towards James with a wry smile and then everything ground to a halt, because the man standing beside the ED’s clinical lead was painfully, gut-wrenchingly familiar.
His strangely piercing ice blue eyes locked on hers, his mouth opening as if to speak, but James was still talking, oblivious to the tension running between them.
‘Beth, this is Ryan McKenna, our new locum consultant. Ryan, this is—’
‘Hello, Beth.’
Her name was a gentle murmur, his eyes softening as he took a step forward and gathered her up against his chest in a hug so warm, so welcome that it brought tears to her eyes.
‘Oh, Ry—’
He let her go long before she was ready, stared down into her eyes and feathered a kiss on her cheek.
‘OK. So I’m guessing you two know each other already, or this is love at first sight,’ James said drily, and Ryan laughed a little off kilter, taking a step back and giving her some much-needed space to drag herself together.
‘Yeah, we know each other,’ Ryan said, his voice oddly gruff. ‘We—er—we worked together, before I went abroad. Best scrub nurse I’ve ever had the privilege of working with.’
There was a whole world left unsaid, but James just nodded, still unaware of the turmoil going on under his nose.
‘Well, it’s good to know you got on—we rely on teamwork. Beth, I was going to ask you if you could be a star and give Ryan the once-over of the department and then take him for a coffee? They really need me in Resus, and I’m sure you’d like to catch up?’
‘What, now?’ she asked, feeling a flicker of something that could have been panic.
‘If you can spare the time. I’d be really grateful and they do need me.’
She met Ryan’s eyes, one eyebrow raised a fraction. ‘Are you OK with this?’ he murmured.
As if James had left her with a choice…
‘It’s fine, Ry. I don’t have to be anywhere,’ she said quietly, surrendering to the inevitable, and she turned back to James. ‘Go. You’re right, they could really use you. Sam’s tearing his hair out and Livvy’s rushed off her feet. We’ll be fine.’
He nodded, his face relieved. ‘Thanks, Beth. You’re a star. And while you’re at it, if you could convince him to apply for the permanent post, you’ll have my undying gratitude.’
Her heart thudded, the flicker threatening to turn into a full-on panic attack.
‘I thought the application window was closed?’
‘It’s been extended. So—if you could twist his arm?’
He was smiling, but his meaning was clear, and they were desperate for another consultant, but simply seeing Ryan again had sent her emotions into freefall and her hard-won status quo felt suddenly threatened. A locum post was one thing, but she didn’t know if she could cope with him here on a permanent basis, not when she was finally putting her life and her heart back together after the last two agonising years.
Not that it, or she, would ever be the same again…
Anyway, it wasn’t relevant, because he was committed to Medicine For All, the aid organisation he’d been working with for the past two years, and she knew how strongly he felt about that. He’d walked away from Katie because she didn’t understand, so there was no way he’d be looking for a permanent job and he obviously hadn’t been clear enough with James.
‘Leave it with me,’ she said, which wasn’t a yes but it was the best she could do, because she was oddly torn between wanting to run away and wanting to talk to him, to find out how he was.
Because something had changed him, she could see that at a glance. He was thinner, his face slightly drawn, shadows lurking in the back of his eyes. The same shadows that lurked in hers after all that had happened between them? Or other shadows, from the things he’d seen in those two years? Both, probably.
‘Sure?’ James asked, maybe finally picking up on the tension running between them, and she nodded.
‘I’m sure. Go. Leave it to me.’
‘Thank you. I know you’ll do your best. I’ll see you on Monday, Ryan. I’m really pleased you’ve agreed to join us.’
‘So am I. I’ll look forward to working with you.’
They shook hands and she watched James go, then Ryan turned back to her with a wry smile that touched her heart.
‘Forget the guided tour. Is there somewhere quiet we can go and get a coffee?’
She felt a wave of relief and nodded. ‘Yes. There’s a café that opens onto the park. We can sit outside.’
The café was busy, but they found a little bistro table bathed in April sunshine and tucked out of the way so they could talk without being overheard, and he settled opposite her and met her eyes, his searching.
‘So, how are you?’
Her heart thumped. ‘Oh—you know.’ She tried to smile. ‘Getting there, bit by bit. You?’
That wry, sad smile again, flickering for an instant and then gone. ‘I’m OK.’
She wasn’t sure she believed him, but there was something else…
‘So, how come you’re here, in Yoxburgh? Is that deliberate?’ she asked, needing to know if he’d sought her out or just stumbled on her by accident, but he nodded slowly.
‘Yoxburgh? Yes, sort of. I needed a job, there was one here, and I know it’s a lovely place. But I didn’t know you were here, if that’s what you’re asking, not until I saw you.’
‘Would you have applied if you’d known?’
He shrugged. ‘Not without talking to you first to see if you were OK with it.’
‘Why? If you needed a job—’
‘There are plenty of jobs.’
‘But not here.’
‘No. Not here, and I wanted to be here, but now—well, that depends.’
Her heart hiccupped. ‘On?’
‘You, of course. If you’re working in the ED, we’ll probably be working together. I’m OK with that, we worked well together before, but us—you and me—that’s different. Much more complicated, and the last thing I want is to make things difficult for you, so I need to know if you’re going to be OK with me being underfoot all the time.’
Was she?
‘Just so long as you don’t expect to pick up where we left off. Well, not that, obviously, but—you know. Before…’
He frowned, his eyes raw. ‘I don’t expect anything, Beth. The way we left things, I’ve got no right to expect anything. For all I know you might be back with Rick.’
‘Rick?’ It startled a laugh out of her because after everything that had happened Rick was so far off her radar it was almost funny. ‘No way. He was a lying cheat, why would I be back with him, any more than you’d be back with Katie?’
He gave a startled laugh. ‘OK, I can see that, but—someone?’
‘No. It’s just me, and I’m happy that way. You?’
He laughed again. ‘Me? I haven’t had time to breathe, never mind get involved with anyone. Anyway, people get expectations and then it all gets messy.’
‘Not everyone’s like Katie.’
‘No. They’re not.’ He studied her, his eyes stroking tenderly over her face. She could almost feel their touch, but then he closed them and shook his head with a little laugh. ‘I can’t believe you’re in the ED. What brought that on? I thought Theatre was your life.’
‘You can talk. I thought surgery was your life.’
He shrugged. ‘People change. I was facing a lifetime of increasing specialisation, and I didn’t want to spend every day doing the same thing over and over again until I’d perfected it. I wanted a change, and MFA provided me with that, and over the course of my time with them I realised I like trauma work. I like the variety, the pace, but you…’
‘I wanted a change, too.’ Needed a change, because everywhere she’d looked there’d been reminders of what she’d lost, and she’d found working in Theatre with anyone but him just plain wrong. ‘So, when did you get back?’
‘Two weeks ago. I’ve been back a few times on leave, picked up a bit of locum work here and there to refill the coffers and keep my registration up to date, but this time it’s for good.’
For good?
She felt her eyes widen, and her heart thumped. ‘Really?’
His smile was sad. ‘Yes, really. I’ve seen enough horror, lost some good friends, seen way too many dead chil—’
She flinched, and he gave a quiet groan.
‘Sorry. I didn’t…’
‘It’s OK,’ she lied. ‘And I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like. So, was it after you lost your friends you decided to come back?’
He gave a wry laugh. ‘No. Oddly, that was when I decided to stay on longer, to carry on the work they were doing because it was so necessary, but there’ll always be others waiting to take my place and it was time to come home because I’m just as needed here in many ways. My grandparents are frail and my mother’s shouldering the whole burden on her own, and it just seemed like it was time. Time to move on with my life, to get back to the day job, as it were. Back to the future.’
With her?
He’d said it was time to move on with his life, but he was the one who didn’t do relationships. Not after Katie had tried to get pregnant to stop him going away.
But what if he’d changed now, got MFA out of his system and was ready to settle down? It sounded like it, and maybe he wanted to try again with her? Maybe a bit more seriously this time—although it could hardly have been more serious than the way it had turned out. But if he did?
She wasn’t sure she was ready for that, not yet. She was still working through life day by day, hour by hour, step by step. She stared down into her coffee, stirring the froth mindlessly.
‘So that’s me,’ he murmured. ‘How about you? Are you happy here, in Yoxburgh?’
Happy? She could hardly remember what that felt like.
‘As happy as I can be anywhere,’ she said honestly. ‘It’s a lovely place, and that weekend we spent here—it was really special, the walks, the feel of the sea air—we said then what an amazing place it would be to live, and then a job came up here and I thought, why not? I was sick of working in an inner city, the noise and the dirt and the chaos, and I wanted to get away from all the reminders. I just needed peace.’
Peace to heal, to reconcile herself, to learn to live again, and where better than here, where it all began—
She sucked in a breath and looked up again. ‘So how come you applied for the locum job?’
He shrugged. ‘Same reason, I guess. I loved it here, the peace, the tranquillity of the coast and the countryside, and I needed that, after all I’ve seen. And there were the memories. I know we were only here for a weekend, but it was hugely significant.’
He looked away, his brow creased in a thoughtful frown, then he looked back and met her eyes. ‘If I’d known you were pregnant, Beth, I wouldn’t have gone away—not then, at least. I would have found a way out of it, delayed it or something. Not that it would have changed anything, but at least I could have been there for you. And I did try when I knew, but you didn’t seem to want me there, and I couldn’t really do anything anyway, nothing constructive, so I left and I tried to airbrush you out of my life, out of my thoughts, but I couldn’t. I realised that, the moment I got back when all I could think about was seeing you again, making sure you were all right.’
He’d tried to airbrush her out of his thoughts? And failed? Well, that made two of them. Even so…
‘Why didn’t you act on it? You’ve been back two weeks and you haven’t contacted me.’
‘You’ve changed your phone number.’
She felt a twinge of guilt. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I suppose I should have told you. But you could have found me if you’d really wanted to. You know enough people.’
He nodded. ‘You’re right, and I was going to as soon as I knew what I was doing, where I was going to be, but whatever, I’ve found you now, I’m here, I’m back for good, and at least I know you’re all right. Well, as all right as you can be, I guess.’
Their eyes locked, his heavy with understanding, and she felt her heart quiver.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, the admission wrung from her without her consent, and he smiled sadly.
‘I’ve missed you, too. I didn’t realise how much, until I saw you again. All that airbrushing just didn’t work.’
Her eyes welled, and she blinked the tears away.
‘Ry, I’m not the person I was. I’ve changed.’
‘I’m sure you have. So have I. Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything, Beth, but it is good to see you again and I’m so sorry I let you down. I wish I could undo it.’
She nodded, looking away from those all-seeing eyes, turning her attention back to the froth on her coffee. She poked the last bit of froth with the spoon, then looked up again.
‘So if you really are done with MFA, are you going for the permanent post? James was groaning the other day about the calibre of the applicants so they’ve obviously had to extend the closing date, and it sounds like he wants you to apply.’
He looked thoughtful. ‘That depends.’
‘On?’
‘You, again, of course.’ He shrugged again. ‘I don’t want to do something that you don’t want, Beth. If you don’t want me here, I won’t apply, especially since we’ll be working together. I know I’ve accepted the locum job, but if that’s an issue, too, I can always pull out. I haven’t signed anything yet.’
She frowned at him. ‘But you’ve said you’ll do it! You’d never go back on your word.’
‘I would if it would hurt you. The last thing I want is to hurt you again.’
She shook her head. ‘You didn’t hurt me, not like Rick hurt me. You didn’t lie and cheat and sleep with my best friend and then pretend it was over when it wasn’t. Your only failing was your commitment to Medicine For All, but I got that. I understood, and I admired you for it.’
‘Katie didn’t.’
‘I know, but I’m not Katie, and you’re not Rick, and you’ve never hurt me. And you were there for me when it mattered, and you stayed until it was over. That meant so much.’
‘I could have stayed longer. Should have stayed longer.’
‘No. I didn’t want you to, Ryan. You needed to go back, to fulfil your commitments, and I needed to be on my own. You were right, you couldn’t do anything constructive to help me, and there were people in other parts of the world who really did need you. Don’t feel guilty.’
‘But I do.’
‘Well, don’t. I don’t need your guilt, I’ve got enough burdens. You did the right thing.’
She straightened up and smiled at him, pushing back the shadows. ‘Why don’t I give you that guided tour James was talking about, and introduce you to some of the others? And then you can decide if you want to apply.’
‘You don’t mind? I might get it. You have to be sure.’
She shrugged. ‘Ryan, we’re in desperate need of another consultant and I can’t stand in the way of that, but I can’t promise you a future with me, not in any way, so if you’re thinking of applying because of that—’
‘I’m not. I’ve told you, I don’t expect anything from you.’
‘Good. Let’s go and do this, then.’
The department was much as expected—modern, well equipped, but ridiculously busy, and he could see why he was needed.
And they had a permanent post going. It would be a great job, a perfect place to settle down—with Beth?
No. She’d warned him off, said she’d changed, and so had he, and yet he’d still felt his heart slam against his chest at the sight of her, felt a surge of something utterly unexpected when he’d pulled her into his arms and hugged her.
Love?
Of course not. He didn’t do love, not any more, and anyway, it wouldn’t work. She wanted other things from life, things he didn’t want, things that didn’t include him, but they could still be friends. They could work on that, and it was still a great hospital in a beautiful part of England. What more could a man want? And anyway, it was only a temporary post at the moment. It wasn’t like he was committed. If they couldn’t work together, he could always leave it at that and move on.
‘Seen enough?’
He met her soft grey-green eyes, so bad at hiding her feelings, and he could tell she wanted to get away.
‘Yes. Thank you, Beth. I need to get on, anyway, I’ve got to find somewhere to live by Monday. Any idea who to ask?’
‘Hang on, Livvy Henderson might know.’ She stuck her head back into Resus. ‘Livvy, do you know if anyone’s moved into the house you were renting? Ryan’s looking for somewhere.’
‘Ah, no, Ben’s got a new tenant.’ She flashed him a smile. ‘Sorry I can’t help. I hope you find something, Ryan.’
‘I’m sure I will. Never mind. Thanks.’ He turned back to Beth. ‘So—any other ideas?’
‘Baldwins? They’ve got a few properties near me advertised to let. Might be worth asking them. They’ve got an office on the High Street. It depends what you want.’
He laughed, thinking of some of the places he’d slept in over the past two years, and shook his head. ‘I’m not fussy. Just so long as it has a garden. I need to be able to get outside. And somewhere to park would be handy.’
‘Go and see them. I’m sure they’ll have something.’
He nodded. ‘I will. Thank you. I was thinking I’d check into a hotel and maybe look at some places tomorrow.’
Something flickered in her eyes and then was gone, as if she’d changed her mind. ‘Good idea,’ she said, but nothing more, and he wondered what she’d been going to say. Whatever, she’d thought better of it, and he realised he had some serious work to do to rebuild their friendship.
Baby steps, he thought, and then felt a stab of pain.
‘Right. Well, I’ll see you on Monday.’
The eyes flickered again, and he could see the moment she changed her mind. ‘Give me a call, tell me how you get on.’
‘I don’t have your number, remember.’ And nobody changed their number unless they wanted to hide, so from whom? Rick? Him? Or from the others, the well-meaning friends who hadn’t quite known what to say to her? He could understand that. He’d blocked quite a few numbers.
He pulled out his phone and found her entry. ‘OK, give it to me?’ Then he rang her, and heard her phone buzz in her pocket.
‘OK. I’ll let you know how I get on with—Baldwins?’
‘Yup. Good luck.’
Was it those words, or was it just that the fates had finished playing Russian roulette with him?
Whatever, the agent showed him a whole bunch of stuff, none of which appealed, and then said, very carefully, ‘There is something else. It was for sale but it didn’t shift, so the owner got tenants in and they’ve done a runner and left it in a state, but he’s disabled and can’t afford to pay someone to sort it out, so if you didn’t mind rolling up your sleeves I’m sure I could negotiate a discount. It’s a great place, or it could be. It’s a three-bed bungalow on Ferry Lane, overlooking the marshes and the harbour, and you can see the boats on the river in the distance.’
The river? He could feel his pulse pick up. ‘Does it have a drive?’
‘Oh, yes, and a double garage and a big garden. They had a dog so the house smells a bit, but with a good clean and a tidy-up…’
‘Can I see it?’ he asked, impatient now, because it sounded perfect, doggy or not, and he’d grown up with dogs.
The agent glanced at his watch. ‘I can’t take you today, I’m on my own here, and I’m out of the office until eleven tomorrow, but I can give you the key. I take it you’re trustworthy?’
Ryan laughed. ‘I think so. After all, what can I do to it that the tenants haven’t? Apart from clean it?’
‘Good point. Here. And take my card and give me a call.’
‘I will. Thanks.’
He hefted the key in his hand, slid it into his pocket and headed back to the car, cruising slowly along the clifftop before turning onto Ferry Lane and checking out the numbers. And there it was, a tired-looking bungalow set back at the top of a long concrete drive with weeds growing in the cracks.
Uninspiring, to say the least, and it didn’t get better as he went up the drive, but as he got out of the car he caught sight of the view and felt peace steal over him.
He slid the key into the lock, went through the front door and was confronted by multi-coloured chaos.
The agent was right, it did smell of dog, the kitchen and bathroom were filthy, and the garden was a jungle, but every time he looked out of a window and saw the river in the distance his heart beat a little faster.
It might be awful now, but with a good scrub, the carpets cleaned and the grass cut, it would be transformed. Oh, and about a vat and a half of white paint to cover the lurid walls and calm it all down. All he had to do was roll up his sleeves and get stuck in.
He pulled out his phone and rang the agent.
‘I’ll take it,’ he said, and the man laughed.
‘I thought you might. Your eyes lit up when I mentioned the river.’
‘Yup.’ He laughed. ‘So, where do we go from here? It’s just that I am in quite a hurry, I start work on Monday. Is there any danger we can sort it by then?’
‘Yes, we can do it today. We’re open until seven tonight. If you come in at six, that’ll give me time to get it all sorted.’
So he rang Beth, although he hadn’t meant to, and told her about it.
‘Where is it?’
‘Just up Ferry Lane on the left. It’s number eleven.’
‘Are you still there?’
‘Yes—why?’
‘Can I come? I’m only round the corner and I have to see this.’
He laughed. ‘Sure. You’ll be shocked, it’s pretty dire, but I’ll get my body weight in cleaning materials and paint and it’ll be fine.’
‘It can’t be that bad.’
He just laughed again, and went outside to wait for her.
‘Oh, my word…’
‘Yeah. Great, isn’t it? You’ve got to love the shocking pink. But look.’
He wrapped her shoulders in his warm, firm hands and turned her gently towards the window, and she felt her breath catch. ‘Oh—you can see the river! It’s where we walked that day—’
The day he’d lifted her off the stile and into his arms and kissed her, and she’d fallen a little bit in love with him. The day it had all begun…
‘I know,’ he murmured, his voice a little gruff. ‘It’s beautiful down there, and the thought of having it on my doorstep, being able to look at it all the time, is just amazing.’ He dropped his hands and stepped away from her, but she could still feel the echo of his fingers, the warmth that had radiated off his body.
‘Come and see the rest. He said it’s got three bedrooms but I only got as far as the first one and gave up.’
She could see why. The place was dirty and untidy, as if the tenants had picked up their things and walked away without a backward glance, and there was a pervading odour of dog. There was a lot to do before it was a home.
They walked through it, examining all the rooms, finding the third bedroom at the opposite end to the other two, tucked away beyond the kitchen with a patio door to the garden. It even had an en suite shower room.
‘So will you make this your bedroom?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’ll use it as a study because of the door to the garden. Do you know what, the house is actually in pretty good condition under all the dirt. I don’t think it’ll take a lot to turn it around.’
She eyed the grubby carpets, the faded curtains, the filthy bathroom. ‘If you say so.’
‘It’s only dirt. I’ll get on it in the morning. I’ve got to go down to the office now to sign something, then I need to eat and find a bed for the night. Any suggestions?’
Why? Why did she say it? She had no idea, but without her consent her mouth opened.
‘I’ve got a spare room, and a casserole in the slow cooker that’s enough for three meals so that should do us, so we can eat after you’ve done the paperwork and then come back here and make a start if you like? I’m on early tomorrow but I can help you now, and again after my shift. Bear in mind it’s Friday tomorrow, so you’ve only got three days before you start work and I guess you’ve got other stuff to do first. Like find some furniture, for starters.’
He laughed. ‘Furniture would be handy.’ His smile faded as he searched her eyes, his own unreadable. ‘Beth, are you sure? That’s a lot to ask.’
Sure? She wasn’t in the slightest bit sure, but it seemed the sensible thing to do, the most practical, and she was nothing if not practical.
‘I’m sure,’ she lied. ‘And anyway, you didn’t ask, I offered.’
She just hoped it wasn’t a huge mistake.
It was just as well she’d agreed to help, because the house was worse than he’d thought.
After they’d eaten he changed into jeans, rolled up his sleeves and they went straight back to tackle the mess, armed with the contents of her cleaning cupboard. She hit the kitchen while he tore up the bedroom carpets, and by the time he’d done that it looked a whole lot better. Then he studied the sitting room carpet.
Was it salvageable? Doubtful, but with a clean…
He turned back the corner to see what was underneath, and blinked. Seriously? An original wood block floor? He pulled back more, then more, and started to laugh because it was so unexpected and wonderful.
‘Hey, come and see this,’ he called, and Beth went into the sitting room, clad in shocking pink rubber gloves that matched the awful walls, a streak of dirt on her cheek, and his heart crashed against his ribs.
How could she look so sexy?
‘Wow! That’s amazing. It’s gorgeous!’
It wasn’t alone. He dragged his eyes off her, looking way more appealing than she had any right to look with dirt on her face and her hair all sweaty, and studied the floor. ‘Well, I don’t know about gorgeous, but it knocks spots off the carpet and it’ll save me money. I wonder if the hall’s the same?’
It was, so was the dining room, and he was stunned.
‘It’s incredible. I love it. I think you’re right, a bit of polish and it will be gorgeous. Right, let’s go. It’s late, you’re working tomorrow and I could kill for a cup of tea.’
‘Me, too. It might wash the dust out of my throat.’
He chuckled, and her eyes softened with her smile. Without thinking, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her, burying his face in her hair and breathing in dust and bleach and something else, something familiar that made his heart ache.
‘Thank you. Thank you so much for all you’ve done. You’ve been amazing and I wouldn’t have got nearly as far without you.’
She eased away, leaving him feeling a little awkward and a bit bereft. ‘Yeah, you would, because you wouldn’t have stopped. Right, time to go.’
‘Tea or coffee?’
‘Tea would be lovely, thank you. Want a hand?’
‘No, you’re fine. Go and relax, I won’t be long.’
Relax? He was too wired for that, and stiffening up nicely after all the heaving and bending. He was going to hurt in the morning. Ah, well. At least they’d made a start.
He flexed his shoulders and strolled over to the shelves in the corner of her sitting room beside the fireplace, where a silver trinket box had caught his eye. It was a heart, he discovered, smooth and rounded, incredibly simple but somehow beautiful, and crying out to be touched.
He picked it up, and it settled neatly into the palm of his hand as if it belonged there, the metal cool against his palm, the surface so smooth it felt like silk. There was something written on it, he realised, and he traced it with his fingertip, his heart starting to pound as he read the tiny inscription.
A date. A date he recognised, a date he could never forget because it was carved on his heart, too.
He heard her footsteps behind him.
‘Tea,’ she said, her voice sounding far away, the clink of the mugs as she put them down oddly loud in the silence. He turned slowly towards her, the heart still nestled in the palm of his hand.
‘What’s this?’ he asked gruffly, knowing the answer, and her smile nearly broke his heart.
‘Her ashes.’
Her face blurred, and he bent his head and lifted the tiny urn to his lips, his eyes squeezed tightly shut to trap the tears inside.
‘You kept them,’ he said, when he could speak.
‘Of course. I didn’t know what else to do. You weren’t there by the time I picked them up, and I didn’t want to stay where we were because of all the reminders and I knew if they were there I’d feel tied, so I had to keep her with me until we could decide together what to do.’
He looked up, blinking so he could see her face, and her smile cracked.
‘Oh, Beth…’
He reached out his free arm and pulled her against his side, and she laid her hand over the delicate little urn in his hand, her fingers curling round over his as she rested her head on his shoulder.
‘Grace didn’t suffer, Ry. At least we know that.’
He nodded, and she lifted the little heart gently out of his hand, kissed it and put it back on the shelf, next to a pretty cardboard box. She touched it fleetingly.
‘That’s her memory box,’ she said softly. ‘The midwives gave it to me in the hospital. Would you like to see it?’
He shook his head, mentally backing away from it, unable to face it. ‘No. Not tonight. I’m too tired, Beth. I think I might head up to bed. I’ve got another long day tomorrow and you’re working.’
Her smile was understanding, as if she’d seen straight through him.
‘When you’re ready,’ she said gently, but he’d spent two long years running away from it and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready for what he knew must be in that memory box.
Time to stop running? Maybe, but not now. Not tonight.
Not yet…
CHAPTER TWO (#ua177cca0-5f47-5839-b3ab-7b2ef4ea3888)
‘ARE YOU OK?’
Ryan propped himself against the doorframe of his newly acquired home and gave her a slightly crooked smile.
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’
‘Are you sure? Because you didn’t look it last night.’
He hadn’t felt it, and between the memories that the little heart had dragged up out of their hiding place and the knowledge that Beth was just on the other side of the wall, he’d hardly slept at all. And then seeing this place in daylight, realising the enormity of the task, had made him wonder what on earth he was doing.
So, yeah, one way and another, he was very far from fine.
He scrubbed a hand through his hair and shrugged away from the doorframe, stepping back into the hall to let her in. ‘I was tired. And, yes, OK, I was—uh—I was a bit emotional. It was just holding it, you know? Knowing Grace was in there.’
She nodded. ‘I know.’ Her smile faltered, and she sucked in a breath and looked around, then blinked. ‘Oh—wow! What happened to the pink?’
He laughed. ‘Three coats of white paint happened to it.’
‘Three? Already? What are you, Superman?’
‘It’s been a nice breezy day and I’ve had all the windows open so the paint’s dried quickly and it really doesn’t take that long. I’ve done the sitting room, as well. Have a look.’
He pushed the door open and followed her in, and she gasped.
‘Oh! It looks so much bigger. And brighter.’
He chuckled. ‘That wouldn’t be hard. Cup of tea?’
‘That would be lovely. I haven’t had a lot to drink today. I’ve brought scruffy clothes.’
He frowned at her. ‘You’ve been working all day.’
‘So? It was the sensible Friday shift. The late shift won’t have it so easy.’
He headed for the kitchen. ‘Tea or coffee? I bought a kettle and some mugs and stuff.’
‘Tea, please.’
He felt her watching him dunking tea bags, pouring milk, his hands covered in paint. There was some in his hair, too, he’d noticed. He was going to have to do some serious scrubbing to get it off by Monday.
‘So how was work?’ he asked, handing her the mug. ‘Anything interesting?’
‘Not really, a few sporting and gardening injuries, the odd fall, but nothing nasty, just busy.’
He thought of his average day with MFA and laughed. ‘I’ll take that.’
‘I guessed you would. Bit of a change from what you’ve been doing.’
‘Yeah.’ He put away the memories and conjured up a smile. ‘Here—let’s go in the garden. I found a bench. It’s a bit wobbly, but it should be OK if we sit down carefully.’
He scooped up a packet of biscuits and she followed him through the dining room and the tired conservatory into the garden.
She eyed the bench dubiously as it creaked under his weight. ‘I think I’ll sit here,’ she said, taking a biscuit and perching on the edge of the steps that led up to the garden from the patio. Well, patio was a bit of a stretch. Some uneven crazy paving, but it was somewhere to put a table and chairs.
‘It’s a pretty garden.’
He snorted, but she stuck to her guns. ‘It is! Look at the perennials in the border.’
‘I see them. I also see the weeds, and the foot-high grass, and the fence that’s making a bid for freedom. I don’t think this place has had any maintenance in living memory but hey, it’ll give me something to do in my time off. That’ll be a bit of a luxury.’
‘Time off?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, you don’t get a lot of that in the field. You only do three months at a time, but it’s pretty full on.’ He fell silent, his thoughts obviously miles away, and she wondered what he was seeing. Probably just as well not to know.
‘Here, have another biscuit before I eat them all.’
He got up to hand her the packet, and as he pushed himself up the bench creaked again and slid over sideways into a heap.
She laughed. She tried not to, but his face was a picture and she dissolved into giggles.
‘How is that funny?’ he asked, but his lips were twitching and seconds later he was sitting beside her on the steps, clutching his stomach and laughing just as helplessly as her.
‘Maybe you need to invest in some new garden furniture,’ she suggested when she could speak again, and he nodded.
‘Maybe. Or I can sit here and study the windows. They really need replacing.’
‘Buy a new bench. It’s cheaper than the windows and you don’t own the house.’
‘No, I don’t. Not yet.’
Yet? She turned and met his eyes.
‘Yet?’
‘It’s possibly for sale.’
‘But—you’re a locum! Why would you buy it?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t, unless I was going to be living here long term.’ He paused, looked away, then looked back, his eyes searching hers. ‘I think I want to apply for the permanent job.’
She wasn’t expecting that, not so soon, not before he’d even started work there, but realistically what was there to know? He’d met James and a few of the others, he knew her, he knew he loved the town—what more was there?
Nothing—except her, and her feelings, and if he’d asked her what they were she’d be hard pushed to tell him, because after seeing him with Grace’s heart last night they were even more confused. She looked away.
‘I’d give it a few days before you decide. You might hate it.’
‘Unlikely, and I can always withdraw my application if I want to.’
‘Withdraw it?’ She laughed. ‘You seriously think James wouldn’t talk you out of doing that?’
‘I know he wouldn’t. Not if I don’t want to be talked out of it. If you don’t want me here, Beth, I’ll go, no matter how much James wants me to stay.’
She searched his eyes, read the sincerity in them, the concern for her welfare. And then she thought of the little silver heart that had fitted so perfectly in the palm of his hand…
She wanted him to stay.
It was the last thing she’d expected to feel and she had no idea where it had come from, but it hit like a lightning bolt, and she sucked in a breath and got to her feet.
‘Let’s just see,’ she said, tipping out the dregs of her tea onto the weedy grass behind her. ‘So—what’s next?’
‘My bedroom. I’m picking up my clothes and other stuff from my mother’s on Sunday, and I can borrow her airbed.’
‘Airbed?’ She turned and stared at him. ‘Ry, there’s no hurry. You can stay with me as long as you want.’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’ve put you out quite enough, Beth. I’ll stay tonight and tomorrow, but then I’ll be here.’
‘But—you’ve got no furniture. It’s a bit basic,’ she murmured, but he just laughed.
‘Basic? Having a roof is a luxury in some of the places I’ve been. Trust me, this is a palace. I’ve got a new bed and sofa coming on Monday evening. I’ll be fine.’
‘If you say so.’ She shrugged, not quite believing him, and headed back into the house, wondering if she should feel hurt that he didn’t want to stay, and telling herself not to be stupid. He’d always been independent and she wasn’t going to change him. ‘How about I get stuck in and clean the rest while you do the bedroom, then?’
They stopped at eight because the light was failing and they were both tired, but his bedroom was painted and the kitchen, cloakroom and both bathrooms were gleaming and she’d started on the windows.
He waited till she’d finished the pane she was working on, then took the cloth out of her hand. ‘Come on, it’s late, and you’re working tomorrow. Why don’t we pick up a takeaway?’
She gave him a tired smile. ‘That sounds great. How does the bedroom look?’
‘Bigger, and it’s got that amazing view.’
‘Just as well, as you don’t have any curtains. Right, come on, we’ve got another long day tomorrow.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind? I feel like I’m taking advantage of your good nature.’
‘Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t happy.’
He wasn’t sure about that. Beth had a heart of gold, a heart that he’d broken, even if only indirectly, by not making sure she couldn’t get pregnant.
‘You’re a star,’ he said, echoing James, and she shook her head.
‘No, Ryan, I’m a friend,’ she said simply, and her words brought a lump to his throat because while it was true, in a strange way she meant so much more than that to him and he didn’t have the words to say so.
He didn’t even think there was a word for what they were to each other, he just knew she was an indelible part of his life and always would be.
By the end of Saturday the place was transformed.
Once the paint was dry he’d pulled up the carpet in the sitting room, dining room and hall, and together they mopped and polished the wood block floor and stood back to admire it.
‘Wow. You were right, Beth, it is gorgeous. Stunning.’
‘I thought it would be. How about pots and pans and things, if you insist on moving in so quickly? And bedroom curtains, come to that.’
‘Oh, I’m sure Mum’s got some I can borrow. I don’t need much for the kitchen, and there’s a box in the pantry. There might be something in there worth salvaging.’
They went and had a look, and the answer was a maybe.
‘I’ll take the box home, sort through it and put anything worth having through my dishwasher and bring it back tomorrow, if you give me a key,’ she said, so he loaded it into her car, locked the house and went back to hers for the third and final night.
Not that he’d have a real bed until Monday, but as he’d said, a roof was more than he’d had at times, and he’d be fine—and maybe better than fine. He might even sleep if she wasn’t lying there in the next room, just on the other side of the wall…
‘Morning!’
Beth turned and met his eyes with a smile, her heart skipping a beat at the sound of his voice.
‘Morning. All ready for your first shift?’
‘Yes, absolutely. It’ll make a refreshing change from painting. That’s just mind-numbing.’
She felt her mouth twitch and bit her lip. ‘Be careful what you wish for. Did you get on OK yesterday? And did you sleep last night?’
He laughed softly and propped himself up against the central desk. ‘Like a log, but I’m looking forward to my new bed. I’m all done with sleeping bags.’
‘You could have stayed at mine again,’ she reminded him.
‘I know, but I didn’t want to outstay my welcome and I know you well enough to realise you wouldn’t tell me if I had. Thanks for the card and the house plant. The place looks almost civilised in a rather empty way.’
‘You’re welcome,’ she murmured. ‘I thought it needed cheering up a bit. I put the kitchen stuff in the pantry, too. It might come in handy. Here—your spare key. And talking of keys, has anyone given you a locker or anything?’
He slid the key into his pocket. ‘No, and I could do with some scrubs, if you could point me in the right direction?’
She nodded, and spent the next ten minutes sorting him out. ‘Right, is that everything you need?’
‘Pretty much. Thank you. I’d better go and find James.’
‘He’s in Resus.’
He nodded, and she went back to work and left him to find his feet, but it wasn’t long before they were in Resus together, working on a patient who’d been brought in after being knocked off his motorbike by a driver who hadn’t seen him.
His left leg had an open fracture and the paramedics has splinted it, but it didn’t look good and he was clearly in a lot of pain and his blood pressure was low.
‘Right, someone cut his clothes off so we can have a good look please,’ Ryan said swiftly. ‘Can I have the FAST scanner, and a gram of TXA in an infusion, and I want X-rays of the skull and that leg. Leave the collar and helmet on for now. Hi, I’m Ryan, and I’m a doctor. Can you tell me what happened, Jim?’
While he spoke to Jim and the radiographer took the X-rays, Beth set up the tranexamic acid infusion to slow the bleeding while Ryan’s gentle fingers checked the man’s ribs, abdomen and pelvis.
His leg was tinged blue below the fracture, and Beth checked the pulses in his foot.
‘No pedal pulse,’ she told Ryan, and he nodded.
‘OK. Jim, there’s a problem with the blood supply to your foot, so I’m going to have to pull your leg straight to sort that out. I’m sorry, it’s going to hurt for a moment but it should feel better afterwards. OK, are you ready, Beth? On three.’
He pulled it straight, checked the pulse and then left her to deal with splinting it while he went back to the abdomen, a frown on his face as he ran the ultrasound wand below the man’s ribs.
‘There’s a shadow. I think he might have an encapsulated bleed.’
‘Spleen?’
He shook his head. ‘No. Left kidney, maybe. There’s a lot of bruising on this side, so I suspect a blunt force injury. Give him another gram of TXA as a bolus and let’s get an X-ray of these ribs, and can we catheterise him, please, and check the urine for blood?’
She was already on it, and it proved his diagnosis right. The blood was obvious, and their patient was starting to deteriorate, so he was whisked away to Interventional Radiology for embolisation of the bleeding vessels before the orthopaedic surgeon could deal with his leg fracture.
They watched him go, and Ryan shook his head, a slightly bemused expression on his face as he stripped off his gloves and apron and headed for the sink.
‘It feels odd not to finish the job. I would have had to deal with both of those injuries in the field, but at least we got the pulse back to his foot and he hasn’t got a skull fracture, so it’s all good.’
‘You almost sound as if you wanted to do it all yourself,’ she said, but he laughed and shook his head.
‘No way. I’m happy to hand him over. I’ve had enough of juggling too many balls. They get dropped, and anyway, it’s nice to have time for coffee occasionally. And that’ll teach me to say the c word,’ he said, and she looked up and saw the next patient already being wheeled in.
It set the tone of the day, one case piling on top of another, but he worked fast and thoroughly, and it was a joy to her to be working alongside him again. It gave her a chance to study him, to remember all the little things she’d forgotten, like the way he frowned when he was concentrating, the way his brow cleared the second it was all under control, the quirk of a brow, the brief nod when he was happy with something.
‘Right, go for lunch, both of you,’ James said, and she realised it was after two. She’d been working alongside him since before eight, and they hadn’t stopped for breath.
‘Sandwich and a coffee?’ she suggested, and he nodded.
‘That would be great. I’m starving. Breakfast was a long, long time ago.’
But yet again it wasn’t to be. Another patient came through the doors, one of three from a nasty RTC, but Jenny, her line manager, came in and relieved her, so she went to the café and picked up lunch for both of them and he ate his in a snatched quiet moment a while later, washed down by the now tepid coffee she’d brought back for him.
‘I can see why I was needed,’ he said with a wry laugh.
‘Oh, you’re certainly needed. Still think it’s better than painting your house?’
His chuckle was dry and a little rueful. ‘It’s certainly more mentally challenging.’
‘Oh, well, you’ve only got another three hours to go. What time’s your furniture being delivered?’
‘I said not before six, and I can’t see me getting away before then so hopefully it’ll be eight or something. Whatever. They said they’d let me know. Right, I’d better go back and reassess my patient. I’ll see you later.’
Not much later, as it turned out.
He was in Resus with another emergency, gloved up and trying to assess a nasty scalp wound with an arterial bleed when his phone jiggled in his pocket.
‘Could someone get my phone, please?’ he asked, and one of the nurses delved in his scrub top pocket and held it up to him.
Damn. He stared at it and groaned. ‘Can someone find Beth, please, if she’s still here? I need to ask her a favour.’
‘I think she is,’ Jenny said. ‘Although she shouldn’t be.’
‘No, I know that, but I saw her walk past ten minutes ago so she might still be around.’
The nurse who’d delved in his pocket came back with Beth a moment later, and she tipped her head on one side.
‘Problem?’
‘Just a bit. I need another favour. I’ve had a message from the delivery team. They’ve said they’ll be there at five and there’s no way I can leave before six and if it goes on like this I won’t get away then. Is there any way you could let them in?’
‘Sure. I should have gone off an hour ago anyway.’
‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘I keep asking you favours—’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She held out her hand. ‘Key?’
Damn. It was still where he’d put it a few hours ago.
‘Right trouser pocket.’
Their eyes locked, and she looked hastily away and squirmed her hand under his plastic apron and into his pocket, groping for the keys while he tried really, really hard to keep his mind in check.
Not to mention his body—
‘These them?’
‘No. The loose one, the one you gave me back,’ he said, and gritted his teeth again while she went back in and rummaged again, then returned the others.
‘Do you want me to check everything’s OK?’
‘No. Just let them in, sign for it as unchecked, that’s all. Well, unless it’s obviously trashed in transit.’ He gave her a rueful smile. ‘Thank you, Beth. I owe you, big-time.’
‘You do. Don’t worry, I’m keeping a tab.’
He grunted, and she gave him a cheeky grin and left him to the spurting artery and his mounting guilt.
She’d spent days helping him, and now she was heading back to his house, waiting in for the furniture. And he was clock-watching, dividing his guilt between his new job and his old friend.
If that was what you could call her, the woman you’d had a brief affair with, who’d ended up giving birth to a baby whose heart was so compromised she’d been doomed from the moment of conception.
There had to be a better word than ‘friend.’ It was what she’d called herself when he’d thanked her for all her help, but she was so much more than that, their relationship so complicated, and he knew they’d be bound together for ever by the heartbreaking loss of their tiny daughter.
His chest squeezed, and he focused his attention on his patient and put Beth, their baby and his guilt out of his mind.
It was after eight before she heard the scrunch of tyres, and she gave the bedding a last swipe with her hand to straighten it, then opened the door.
‘Beth, I can’t believe you’re still here!’ he said instantly, his face hugely apologetic. ‘I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be gone ages ago. Have they not come yet?’
‘Yes, of course they have, they came at five. I’ve just been pottering and waiting for you. Jenny rang me so I knew you’d be late.’
‘I didn’t. Not this late, anyway, and there was no way I could leave.’
‘No, I gather you had another really nasty RTC with multiple casualties. Nice, gentle introduction on your first day.’
He snorted softly. ‘Tell me about it. At least I was working with you, which made it significantly easier. So I assume everything was OK with the furniture?’
‘Fine—lovely. Come and have a look.’
She opened the bedroom door, and he stopped in his tracks.
‘They built the bed?’
‘No, I did, because I didn’t think you’d want to do it after such a hectic shift.’
He stared at her. ‘You did it? Wow. I didn’t for a moment expect you to do that, Beth. Thank you.’
‘It was easy,’ she said, lying slightly because another pair of hands would have been hugely useful. ‘Eight bolts and a few screws.’ She waggled an Allen key at him. ‘They even provided the technology.’
He gave a soft laugh, and hugged her.
‘Thank you so much. I really wasn’t expecting—’
She put her hand over his mouth, cutting him off. ‘Hush. You’ve spent your life looking after people. I thought it was time someone looked after you a bit.’
He reached up and caught her hand, pressing a kiss into her palm before threading his fingers through hers.
‘Thank you.’
His eyes were filled with a host of conflicting emotions, and she guessed he was just as confused as she was. And it really didn’t help that there was a massive bed right beside them…
She retrieved her hand gently and stepped out of reach, ignoring the tingling in her palm. ‘I hope I used the right bedding. It was new, but it was all I could find that would fit.’
‘No, that’s great, it’s all there is,’ he said, his voice unexpectedly gruff. ‘Did the sofa come?’
‘Yes, they unpacked it and the coffee table and took all the packaging away. It looks really good. Go and see.’
She followed him into the sitting room with a silent sigh of relief, and he sat down on the sofa, then swung his legs up and groaned contentedly. ‘Wow. An actual sofa, long enough to lie on—and it’s comfy. That’s such a luxury.’ He looked around and laughed softly. ‘It looks almost homely, in a rather bare sort of way. And the floor’s beautiful.’
He got to his feet, staring down into her eyes searchingly. ‘Look, I could do with a shower, but I’m hungry, and if you haven’t eaten yet, how about going out for something? Nothing fancy, just a pub—or we can go posh, if you like. Up to you.’
Her stomach rumbled, and she gave him a wry smile. ‘Food’s probably a good idea. I haven’t even given it a thought but there’s not a lot in my fridge. I was going shopping after work but I got slightly side-tracked.’
‘Then I’m definitely buying you dinner,’ he said firmly, the guilt back in his eyes. ‘Go home, get changed while I shower, and I’ll pick you up in half an hour. And work out where you want to go.’
She nodded, then on impulse went up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. The brush of stubble against her lips sent a shockwave through her body, and she dropped back onto her heels and headed for the door, more confused than ever.
‘See you in half an hour, then,’ she said lightly, and walked out, letting out a quiet rush of breath.
Clearly her body hadn’t forgotten him, then…
‘Where to?’
‘I thought the Harbour Inn?’
Really? He glanced at her, then away again quickly before she could read his expression. Of all the places to choose…
‘If you like. It’s nice and close.’
He headed down towards the little yacht harbour, to the pub where they’d had lunch nearly two and a half years ago, just before he’d kissed her for the first time and set the ball rolling.
He’d split up with Katie when he’d realised she was trying to get pregnant to stop him joining MFA, and Beth had been right there at the time, working alongside him in Theatre, intriguing him, tempting him—but when after a few weeks he’d asked her out she’d said no, holding him at arm’s length because she didn’t want a relationship.
Well, neither did he, not so soon after Katie, and maybe not for years, but that didn’t make him a monk, and after a week when everyone in the Midlands seemed hell-bent on injuring themselves and they’d been trapped together in Theatre for countless hours, the tension simmering between them had reached breaking point.
He’d needed to get away, get out of the city and away from Beth, but by sheer coincidence they’d both been scheduled for a long weekend off, so he’d put his cards on the table and asked her to go away with him. No strings, no commitment, no relationship, just a few days of adult fun by the seaside after the week from hell, and with any luck it’d get it out of his system.
If she’d said no it would have made life awkward, but frankly it had been awkward enough, so he’d had nothing to lose.
She hadn’t. To his astonishment she’d said yes, so he’d booked a room in a posh spa hotel in Yoxburgh and picked her up on the Saturday morning with a tingling sense of anticipation. They’d been too early to check in, so they’d driven down to the harbour, found the little pub and had lunch, then gone for a stroll along the riverbank to kill time.
And then he’d lifted her down off the stile and kissed her.
She hadn’t held him at arm’s length then, and they’d spent most of the next two days in bed having the hottest sex he’d ever had in his life.
He parked the car, slammed the door on his thoughts and headed into the pub with Beth.
‘It hasn’t changed at all,’ he murmured.
‘No. I doubt if it’s changed for decades. All part of its charm, I guess. So, what are we having?’
‘Fish and chips.’
She laughed at him. ‘Well, that’s healthy.’
‘I don’t care. You can have whatever you like, but after a day like today I need comfort food and calories.’
She gave a low chuckle, the sound running over his nerves like teasing fingertips, and his body leapt to life.
‘I might have the baked cod with a salad,’ she said, and then she tilted her head and looked at him. ‘How’s Jim? Any news?’
‘Yeah, he’s OK. They took out his left kidney, and he’s got an ex-fix on his leg, but he’s doing all right. He’s alive, anyway.’
‘Good. How about the RTC that held you up this evening?’
‘Well, they all made it, which is a relief. It’s never good to lose a patient on your first day.’
She chuckled again, and he gave her an answering smile, but hers faded and she studied him thoughtfully.
‘It was good working together again,’ she said, and he nodded slowly.
‘Yes. Yes, it was. I’d almost forgotten how intuitive we are together. It was like you knew what I’d want without me asking, but then you always could read my mind.’
‘Or maybe I’m just a good nurse and know my stuff.’
He arched a brow, and she pretended to scowl at him, her mouth puckering and making him want to kiss it.
He put his hands in the air, giving up the fight to hold back his smile. ‘Sorry, sorry. You are a good nurse. Best I’ve ever worked with. Is that better?’
‘Yes. Thank you.’ Her smile was back, playing around her mouth and softening her eyes, and for a moment he had an overwhelming urge to lean over and kiss her—
‘Fish and chips?’
He sat back, took a long, slow breath and looked up at their server.
‘Yeah, that’s mine.’ And in the nick of time…
‘Coffee? Unless you want to get back to your lovely new bed?’
He hesitated, then gave in, knowing it was foolish, knowing he was on a knife edge but unable to walk away.
‘It’ll keep another half hour. Coffee would be lovely.’ He cut the engine and followed her into her house. ‘Anything I can do?’
‘No, you’re fine, go and sit down, I’ll bring it through.’
So while she put the kettle on he wandered into the sitting room and closed the curtains, then sat down to wait for her, his eyes seeking out the little silver box as they always did, his heart heavy.
If they’d known before that weekend what was to follow, none of this would have happened, but of course they hadn’t. They’d spent the next two months together in blissful ignorance, and then in late January MFA had sent him on his first posting.
No strings, he’d said, so he’d had no contact with her, which had been fine because he’d been too busy to think about anything else, but then he’d come back on leave in early May, and he’d discovered she was pregnant.
It was his worst nightmare, the last thing he’d ever wanted to hear, and his first instinct was anger because he thought she’d done it on purpose, but then she told him their baby girl had such hugely complex congenital heart defects that she was unlikely to make it to term, and his world fell apart.
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