Читать онлайн книгу «The Top Gun′s Return» автора Kathleen Creighton

The Top Gun's Return
Kathleen Creighton
Eight years ago, Jessie Bauer's life had changed forever. Now it was about to change back.For the man she had loved with all her heart and soul - the one she had finally learned to live without - was coming home to her at last. Alive and in one piece - or was he? Military pilot Tristan Bauer had spent eight years in a living hell, not sure if he was dead or alive, with only the memory of his beautiful Jessie to keep him going.Now she was in front of him, his for the taking. If only he could. Because in every way that mattered, Tristan knew the husband he'd been had died that day. And left his ghost in his place…




“My God,” he whispered. “You look just the same.”
His fingers walked across her shoulder blades, drawing her hesitantly closer as though he feared at any second she might vanish in a puff of smoke. He folded her into his arms, as if he’d never be able to get enough of her.
He held her carefully, almost reverently at first, then closer…harder, and buried his face in her hair. The breath she’d been holding burst from her in a sob. She no longer had to worry about her trembling; it wasn’t possible to tell where hers left off and his began.
She had no way of knowing how long they stood there like that. It occurred to her that it was like a refuge, that silence…the closeness, a safe place neither of them wanted to leave.
But they must leave it, of course. And confront what had happened to them and what lay ahead….
Dear Reader,
The year may be coming to a close, but the excitement never flags here at Silhouette Intimate Moments. We’ve got four—yes, four—fabulous miniseries for you this month, starting with Carla Cassidy’s CHEROKEE CORNERS and Trace Evidence, featuring a hero who’s a crime scene investigator and now has to investigate the secrets of his own heart. Kathleen Creighton continues STARRS OF THE WEST with The Top Gun’s Return. Tristan Bauer had been declared dead, but now he was back—and very much alive, as he walked back into true love Jessie Bauer’s life. Maggie Price begins LINE OF DUTY with Sure Bet and a sham marriage between two undercover officers that suddenly starts feeling extremely real. And don’t miss Nowhere To Hide, the first in RaeAnne Thayne’s trilogy THE SEARCHERS. An on-the-run single mom finds love with the FBI agent next door, but there are still secrets to uncover at book’s end.
We’ve also got two terrific stand-alone titles, starting with Laurey Bright’s Dangerous Waters. Treasure hunting and a shared legacy provide the catalyst for the attraction of two opposites in an irresistible South Pacific setting. Finally, Jill Limber reveals Secrets of an Old Flame in a sexy, suspenseful reunion romance.
Enjoy—and look for more excitement next year, right here in Silhouette Intimate Moments.
Yours.


Leslie J. Wainger
Executive Editor

The Top Gun’s Return
Kathleen Creighton



KATHLEEN CREIGHTON
has roots deep in the California soil but has relocated to South Carolina. As a child, she enjoyed listening to old timers’ tales, and her fascination with the past only deepened as she grew older. Today, she says she is interested in everything—art, music, gardening, zoology, anthropology and history—but people are at the top of her list. She also has a lifelong passion for writing, and now combines her two loves in romance novels.
To Gail Chasan, my editor and champion
for I’m-not-even-going-to-tell-you-how-many years.
How did I get so lucky?

Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Epilogue

Prologue
Sammi June stared at the shadows on her ceiling cast by the soccer-ball-shaped night-light beside her bed. Under the covers her knee stung and throbbed where she’d picked the scab off it too soon, and she thought about that while tears tickled their way down the sides of her face and ran into her ears. The tears came from the achy, lonely place inside her, but if she concentrated hard enough she could make herself believe that her skinned knee was to blame for that, too.
Stupid knee. She’d had skinned knees before. It was no big deal. Except, why did it have to happen now?
Tomorrow was supposed to be her big day. She was so excited she couldn’t fall sleep. It was the most important part, and the teacher had picked her, the new kid. The new kid—wasn’t she always? New place, new school, new friends. She’d wanted so much for them to like her, to be amazed at how smart she was, and how pretty. She even had a dress to wear—a pink one, brand-new, Momma had bought it for her last week at J.C. Penny—and new shoes to go with it, and socks with lace around the tops. And now it was all going to be ruined, because of a stupid skinned knee. It was going to show, and look ugly and tacky, and everyone would think she was just a tomboy hick from Georgia.
I wish my daddy was here. If Daddy was here, I wouldn’t care if I have a skinned knee. Daddy would find a way to make it be all right.
Sammi June sniffed and wiped her cheeks with her hands, then listened to the darkness as hard as she could. She thought sometimes if she listened hard enough she could make herself hear the sounds she wanted so badly to hear: the front door opening, footsteps on the stairs, Momma’s voice, trying to whisper but bubbling brightly with happiness. Daddy’s voice whispering back, low and gruff and growly.
After a moment she pushed back the covers and got out of bed and walked over to the window. In the daytime in this new place, there wasn’t much to see from the bedroom window except for other people’s houses. But at night, if she knelt down and pressed her face close to the glass and looked up…way up…just above the rooftop of the house next door, she could see it. One star, all by itself, so big and bright it didn’t seem real. But it was real; Momma said so. She said it was the Evening Star, the one everyone sings to you about when you’re real little: “Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are….” Momma said if you make a wish on the Evening Star it will come true, and there was a poem for that, too.
Kneeling on the hard floor—on one knee, because the skinned one was sore—Sammi June closed her eyes and whispered the poem:

“Starlight, star bright,
First star I’ve seen tonight,
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.”

Then, staring at the Evening Star until her eyes burned and made new tears, she silently added the wish she’d wished so many times before: I wish my daddy would come home.

Chapter 1
May, 1995—Near Athens, Georgia
The day Jessie Bauer’s life changed forever began like any other. She worked the day shift as a nurse’s aid at the hospital in Athens and came home looking forward to the same three things she always did after a long day on her feet: a glass of Momma’s sweet tea, a letter from Tristan and a quiet hour to sit with her feet up while she read it.
“Hey, Momma,” Jessie said as she stepped through the open back porch door and put her pocketbook on the kitchen table, “whatcha makin’?” So close to the first day of summer, the year’s longest day, the sun was still high in the sky. The house was warm and smelled of burned sugar and overripe fruit.
Her mother lifted damp hair off of her forehead with the back of a hand that held a long-handled wooden spoon. “Oh, I picked up some of those last-of-the-season strawberries Frank had on sale down at the produce stand. They were goin’ fast, so I thought I’d better get ’em put up while they still had some good in ’em.” Red-faced and sweaty, she flashed Jessie a smile.
“Let me get changed,” Jessie said. “I’ll help you.”
“Oh, heavens, I’m about done here—just these last few jars. Then I’m gonna put the kettles to soak and go in and catch Dan Rather. You go on and sit—there’s tea in the ’fridge.”
Jessie picked up her pocketbook and slung the strap over her shoulder. “Thanks, I will in a minute. Where’s Sammi June? Doing her homework?”
“Finished—at least, that’s what she told me. She and J.J. are off ramblin’ down by the creek somewhere.”
Jessie nodded. “I get a letter today?” She asked it in that way people do when they think they’re going to be disappointed.
Not this time, though. Her mother smiled and pointed with the spoon. “You did. It’s on the desk in the—”
And Jessie was already gone, her heart going thump-thump in time to the whapping of the swinging door behind her. In the hall, she let the pocketbook fall to the desktop as she picked up the familiar envelope and pressed it against the place where her heart was beating so fast, fighting the little shivers of joy inside her only because she knew if she wasn’t careful they’d turn into tears. When she had herself calmed down some she went back into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of tea. She carried the glass and the letter out to the front porch and sank into one of the white-painted rocking chairs that sat there in all kinds of weather.
For a while she rocked and held the letter close in her hands while she thought about how beautiful it was just now, with the day lilies blooming along the lane, and the front lawn dotted with yellow dandelions, and the air warm and smelling sweet from Momma’s roses rambling over the porch roof. Finally, having savored the moment about as long as she could stand to, she tore open the envelope and unfolded the single sheet of lined notepaper.
It took only a minute or two—never long enough—to read the words written there. Everyday words about the everyday things that made up Tristan’s life on board an aircraft carrier somewhere in the Persian Gulf: what they’d had to eat, the last movie they’d seen, something some buddy or other had done that made him laugh. Then a line or two about how much he missed Jess and Sammi June, but how glad he was to be where he was, doing something so important. The same words that nearly always ended his letters home.
I know I’m doing what I was meant to do. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be able to stand being away from you guys. But I do believe it, with my whole heart and soul, and I want you to, too. I need you to believe in me, honey. I love you and miss you always.
Inside the house she heard the TV turn on. Heard the introductory fanfare to the evening network news. Then Dan Rather’s familiar voice.
The screen door creaked open. From inside, her mother’s voice called, “Jessie, you need to come in here.” Jessie stopped rocking and turned halfway around in the chair, not quite understanding. She saw Momma standing there, holding the door.
“There’s been a plane shot down over the no-fly zone,” Momma said. “They’re saying the pilot’s missing. They won’t tell who it was until they notify—”
Somehow Jessie was on her feet, and she felt the screen door’s wooden frame under her hand. It’s not Tris. He’s not dead. I’d know if he were dead. I’d know. “It can’t be Tris,” she said. “I’d have heard something. They’d have told me…”
Over the sound of her own voice and the music of a commercial on television came the crunch of tires on gravel.
As Jessie turned, her world shifted into slow motion. Sounds faded. Floating in the silence, she watched a strange car come along the lane and pull to a gentle stop in front of the house. It was one she’d never seen before, a dark sedan with writing on the doors, but she knew it just the same.
She watched, suspended in time and silence, as the doors opened and two men got out. Men she didn’t know. Tall, dignified men wearing dark-blue Navy dress uniforms, their white hats gleaming bright as moons in the evening sun.
Looking back on that day, Jess recalled that she’d stood alone on the wide front porch, watching those two men come toward her across the lawn with its happy polka-dot riot of yellow dandelions. She didn’t remember Momma coming to stand with her, putting her hands on her shoulders.
She remembered that she held out her hands when the men took off their hats and began to mount the wooden steps to the porch where she was. She held her hands with the palms out, as if she were going to try to hold them back. As if she were going to push them away. As if by keeping them away, she could keep them from saying to her what they’d come to say. As if keeping them from saying it would make it not be true.
She remembered thinking, How in the world am I gonna tell Sammi June?
But after that, she didn’t remember much of anything for a very long time.
Eight Years Later—Near Baghdad, Iraq
The bombs had stopped falling. He wondered if it was for keeps this time, but doubted it would be. The bombs had been falling on and off for six days. On the seventh day they rested?
Lying in the silent darkness he thought about the bombs. He was sure they were American bombs, and wondered if the next round would finally bring the ancient prison tumbling in on top of him. No telling what this place was disguised as, and no one had any idea he was here, anyway. He thought what irony it would be if it turned out it was the Americans who finally killed him.
“Missed again,” came a hoarse whisper from beyond the damp stone walls of his cell.
He grunted a reply. Rising stiffly from his pallet, he made his way to the heavy wooden door and leaned his back against it.
“You think they’re done for tonight?” the whisper came again. The whispering was from long habit; talking among prisoners wasn’t allowed.
He turned his head and addressed the small barred opening high in the door. Though it was invisible now in the darkness, he knew its position exactly; through it, for the past several weeks, at least, had come everything he depended on to stay alive. As well as everything he most feared. “Maybe. Seems early, though.” An unnamed tension gripped his muscles and his nerves quivered as he and the whisperer fell silent, listening to distant noises of chaos: shouts, small explosions and the rattle of gunfire.
“Listen—” It was a faint hiss, like spit in hot coals.
He’d heard the new sound, too. Footsteps.
Footsteps spoke a language all their own, one he’d learned well over the years. These were not the usual footsteps, firm with authority and menace, that set his nerves and muscles and sinews to vibrating with conditioned fear responses. These were furtive footsteps. A lot of them. Hurrying footsteps. Running, but not with thumps. Like…scuffles, rhythmic and purposeful.
A shiver crawled down his spine. He pressed it hard against the door, and with the drumming of his pulse in his ears he almost missed the voices. They were only intermittent mutters at first, and whether it was due to that or a self-protective refusal to believe, it was a while before it dawned on him they were speaking in English.
“…Clear!”
“Panther one, clear!”
“Move on three…”
“Roger that—go, go go!”
The footsteps were growing louder, now broken by pauses, thumps, brief explosions of gunfire that crashed like thunder against the stone walls. And in the dying echoes of the thunder, the voices came again.
“We got a live one here. Barely.”
“Ah, Jeez. Look at this. Poor bastards…”
“What do you want to do with ’em?”
“We got no choice. They’ll have to find their own way out. We’re here to get one guy.”
“We have to find him first. Jeez, there must be a hundred cells in this stinking hell-hole.”
There was a pause, and then a controlled shout: “Pearson! Cory Pearson—you in here? If you can hear me—”
“Here! I’m here!” It was the unseen companion’s voice, excited, not whispering, now. Cracking with excitement and hope.
“Okay, we hear you,” came the reply, calm by contrast. “Keep talking. We’re coming to get you.”
Huddled in the darkness with filthy stones against his back, he listened to the shouts and the footsteps coming nearer, until they seemed to be right outside his cell. An explosion thumped his eardrums, and he clapped his hands to the sides of his head and opened his mouth in a silent scream of pain. In the seconds that followed he realized he was shaking. His knees and head felt the way they did when he knew he was going to pass out.
Not now, he prayed, gritting his teeth together. Not…now.
The darkness around him filled with images, the same well-loved faces that had kept him sane and clinging to life for so long. Well-remembered voices spoke to him, as they had so many times before. He concentrated on the faces and felt his head clear and his breathing quiet. Drawing on reserves of strength he’d forgotten he had, he drew himself slowly erect, and his chest filled and his shoulders lifted.
“Wait! There’s another one!” The unseen companion’s voice came again, trembling with emotion. “You can’t leave him—”
“Another one—in here? What, you mean, another American?”
“Yeah, he’s—”
“That’s impossible. We weren’t briefed—”
“Look, I’m not leaving him behind.”
Someone swore impatiently. “You sure? Where is he? In here?” The same voice rose to a shout. “Hey, buddy, can you hear me? If you can hear me—”
“Yeah, I hear you.” It felt odd to him to be talking so loudly, but he thought his voice sounded okay. Calm. Normal. Not even shaking. Much.
More swearing—startled this time. “I’ll be damned—uh…okay, buddy, listen, we’re gonna get you outa there. I want you to take cover, you understand? I’m gonna blow the door.”
“Ready when you are.”
He pressed himself into the corner of his cell to one side of the door and covered his head with his arms. The explosion that came then seemed almost an anticlimax, and in its aftermath he turned and drew himself once more erect.
For some reason he’d expected light, but in the rectangle where the door had been there was only the thin gray of starlight and the flickering glow from burning bombsites leaking through the high, narrow windows of the ancient fortress. His rescuers were darker shapes, anonymous and alien in their gear, like something out of science fiction.
“Are you guys SEALS?” he asked. For some reason he knew they would be.
“That’s right. Who the hell are you?”
Realizing they’d be able to see him with their night-vision goggles, he gave them the best salute he could. “Lt. Tristan Bauer, United States Navy.”
There was a stunned silence. Then one of the shapes said, “You’re Navy?” just as another said, “That’s not possible.”
That one, the nonbeliever, pushed past his comrade and into the cell, cradling his weapon across his chest as if he needed the comfort of it. “Lt. Bauer’s dead. My brother served with him on the Teddy Roosevelt. He was shot down in ’95. That’s…” His voice wavered. “Jeez, that’d be eight years.”
Tris grinned, stretching muscles he hadn’t used in a very long time. “Yeah, so, what the hell took you guys so long?”
Early April, New York City, USA
Jessie and her sister, Joy Lynn, were arguing about where to have lunch, as usual.
“Not Thai again, please,” Jessie said with a shudder as she lengthened her stride in a vain attempt to keep up with her older and considerably shorter sister. Joy Lynn had been a New Yorker for going on ten years, since before her second divorce became final, and had evidently forgotten that GRITS, as in, Girls Raised in the South, never walk if they can help it.
“And don’t even think about suggesting Indian,” she warned as the suggestive tinkle of temple bells floated from a nearby doorway. “Last time you took me to an Indian restaurant I had to go find a hotdog vendor afterward just to put my stomach right. Whatever happened to good old American?” It was a rhetorical question, asked plaintively of the weeping sky, and had less to do with her food preferences than it did the serious second thoughts she was having about visiting her New-York-dwelling sister in the springtime when the air back home in Georgia was warm and sweet and the countryside aflame with azaleas. “What’s wrong with KFC?” she whined, hugging her borrowed raincoat close across her chest. “Bojangles with cole slaw an’ biscuits?”
Unperturbed, Joy Lynn said, “Don’t be such a hick,” as she whipped her trilling cell phone out of a raincoat pocket. She glanced at the caller ID, said, “Huh,” in a wondering way and put the phone to her ear. “Hey, Momma, what’s up?”
“Momma!” Jessie exclaimed. “Why would she be callin’?”
Joy Lynn’s pace had slowed. She flicked a glance sideways at Jessie and said, “Uh-huh.”
Jessie’s belly quivered. “She wantin’ me?” An alarm had gone off in her head. Sammi June.
“Uh-huh,” said Joy Lynn again, but not to her, holding up a silencing finger. Then she said, “Okay. Hold on a sec—” She grabbed Jessie by the sleeve of the raincoat and hauled her through a warm doorway that smelled strongly of garlic.
“It’s Italian, for God’s sake,” she hissed at Jessie, who was muttering, “But—but—” and dragging back against the tow. Jessie had nothing against Italian, but butterflies were flopping earnestly in her belly now, and she no longer had any interest whatsoever in eating.
It’s Sammi June—oh God, it must be. Why else would Momma be calling me unless something awful’s happened to Sammi June?
Numb with foreboding, she let Joy Lynn haul her to a table next to a heavily textured wall that was painted dark green with spiderwebs of white plaster showing through. Her sister tugged a chair out with a thump, pushed Jessie down on it, then wedged herself into the one opposite. “Okay, she’s sittin’ down,” she said into the phone, breathless and pink in the cheeks. She went silent, listening. Then breathed, “Oh, my Lord.”
Something’s happened to Sammi June, was the only thought in Jessie’s head. She had begun to tremble uncontrollably. Panic washed over her; she couldn’t breathe. No. I can’t bear it. I can’t. I can’t.
She’d felt like this only one other time in her life. That day came back to her so vividly now…Dan Rather’s voice on the television, the screech of the screen door…her mother saying, “Jessie, you need to come in here.” The crunch of tires on gravel, the dark-blue sedan, and two tall men coming toward her across a polka-dot lawn. The way the world had gone silent. The way she’d held out her hands to keep those men from coming on up the steps, the same way she was holding out her hands right now, as if she could push away that phone Joy Lynn was trying to give to her. As if by keeping it away she could keep herself from ever having to hear the words Momma was about to say to her. As if by not hearing them she could make them not be true.
“Sammi June—” The words burst from her, exploding like a sneeze past the icy fear, the trembling.
“No, hon’, it’s not Sammi June.” Joy Lynn’s voice was gentle, and so was her hand as she took Jessie’s and held on to it. Her fingers felt warm, wrapped around Jessie’s icy ones. “Sammi June’s fine. Everybody’s just fine.”
Then what…? Dazed, Jess could only give her head an uncomprehending shake.
“Jessie, honey, you need to take this.” Joy Lynn pressed the cell phone into Jessie’s hand and folded her stiff fingers around it. “Momma’s got somethin’ to tell you. It’s okay,” she added when Jessie just went on looking at her, dumb and frozen with anguish. Trying her best to smile though there were tears in her eyes, she said, “It’s okay, I promise.”
Drained and shell-shocked, still trembling, Jessie lifted the phone to her ear. “Momma? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, honey.” But Momma’s voice sounded way too calm, the way it only did when she was about to deliver some painful news. It had sounded like that, Jessie remembered, when she’d told Sammi June and J.J. the old hounddog, General, had been bitten by a copperhead and had to be put to sleep. “But…this is gonna be hard to hear.”
Jessie’s heart was beating so fast she wondered if there was something seriously wrong with it. She pressed a hand against her chest to hold it still and whispered, “Okay.”
“Jessie…honey.” There was a single high musical note of laughter or perhaps a sob. “Honey, it’s Tristan. They found him. In Baghdad. Oh, sweet child. He’s alive.”
April, Landstuhl, Germany
Jessica Ann Starr couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t loved Tristan Bauer, so it always came as something of a shock to her to realize he’d actually been present in her life for so few of her thirty-six years. Now, sitting in the back seat of a car speeding sedately along a German autobahn, memories of those few, those golden moments…hours…days, seemed to fill her whole existence. Her mind flipped through them like the photographs in the album she’d assembled to share with Joy Lynn and now held in her lap, clutched in nerveless fingers.
She’d been in high school when they’d met, vacationing on a Florida beach with friends, spring break her senior year. Almost exactly eighteen years ago—half her life—though it shamed her to admit she couldn’t recall the exact date. He’d seemed to her unattainable as a movie star, impossibly handsome, wonderfully tall—always a plus for a girl who’d hit her current height of five feet ten inches in seventh grade. His thick black hair, brown eyes and olive skin had seemed thrillingly exotic to her, since she was sunshine-blond and wholesome as grits.
There on the beach that morning she’d listened to the lies that came floating out of her own mouth, effortlessly as blowing smoke from a forbidden cigarette, tacking on a couple of years to her age and some mythical college experience to get past his grown man’s scruples about dating a high school girl, and hadn’t even cared if she went to Hell because of them.
That night he’d kissed her, and she knew it had all been worth the risk. He’d kissed her outside her motel room door, pressing her up against the hard stucco wall so that she’d felt the whole sinewy length of him all up and down her front, and everywhere he’d touched her she’d felt her body tingle and burn as if a million stars were exploding inside her. Or as if millions and millions of cells in her body had waited for that moment to wake up and burst into exuberant life. That was the way it had seemed to her, as if she’d only been partly alive until Tristan, and after that night she’d known she would never again be completely alive without him.
She’d told him the truth about her age before she’d left him to go back home, though, because by that time she’d known she was going to marry him one day. She hadn’t known, then, that less than three weeks after her high school graduation she’d be Mrs. Tristan Bauer, wife of a naval aviator, and already well on her way to being someone’s mother.
“Ma’am?” The gray-haired, bespectacled naval officer in the front passenger seat broke his respectful silence, turning his head and leaning slightly in order to make eye contact. “We’ll be taking you directly to the residence, which is adjacent to the medical center where your husband is receiving treatment. After you’ve checked in, I can take you to see him there, or you can wait for him in the residence, if you like. Lieutenant Bauer should be cleared to join you shortly. Whichever you prefer.”
His manner was deferential to the point of awe, which Jessie found disconcerting. “Thank you, Lieutenant Commander—” She searched her befuddled memory for her casualty assistance officer’s name and came up empty. Exhausted by the effort, she was about to fall gratefully back into the cocoon of her own musings when the expectant look on the officer’s face registered on her consciousness. He was waiting for her decision. Her forehead tightened as she struggled with it; any logical, reasoning thought was hard work for her today. And this—whether to meet her husband, returned from the dead after eight years, for the first time in the cold antiseptic environment of a hospital room with doctors and nurses all around, or confront him alone in privacy, this man she’d loved and given up for lost long, long ago, now a stranger to her—seemed utterly impossible. Which was better? Or worse?
For better or worse…in sickness and in health.
She tried to smile for Lieutenant Commander—Rees, she remembered now. Rees-with-two-es, he’d told her. “How are these things usually handled?” She thought of the return of the captives taken during Desert Storm, of television pictures of gaunt men in flight suits engulfed in loved ones’ embraces while flags waved and bands played “Tie a Yellow Ribbon ’Round the Old Oak Tree.” She’d been active in the wives’ support group on the base at the time and had worn a bracelet with a POW’s name engraved on it.
The Lieutenant Commander’s military bearing melted into a smile of pure irony. “Ma’am, there isn’t any precedent for what happened to your husband. As far as the Navy’s concerned, you can have this just about anyway you want it.”
Jessie nodded, too distracted to return the smile. The representative of the Defense Department who’d taken charge of her in New York had said much the same thing: There was no protocol for resurrection. There’d been no yellow ribbons or POW bracelets for Tristan. No support groups or letter-writing campaigns petitioning for his release. For all intents and purposes he’d been abandoned, forgotten, given up for dead, and the country he’d served and sacrificed eight years of his life for now seemed eager—almost desperate—to make amends.
Which was no doubt why Tristan’s somewhat unusual request to stay in Germany for part of his treatment and recovery period rather than being sent home to the States as soon as he was deemed fit to travel had immediately been granted. So had his request that his wife be allowed to join him, rather than wait at home for his return. Jessie had been given the choice of waiting in New York for Tristan’s phone call or taking the next flight to Germany. She’d chosen the flight, and had been whisked off to the airport by her DOD assistance officer, one jump ahead of the media stampede.
It had been decided that Sammi June would stay and wait with her grandma Betty and the rest of the family back home in Georgia. Jessie wasn’t sure who had made that decision, but she knew it was the right one. She’d been told Tristan was still very weak and sick, and she knew he wouldn’t want Sammi June to see him like that. Not to mention that she was mightily glad not to have Sammi June’s emotional baggage to deal with right now. Her own was burden enough.

Morning was only beginning to thin the darkness when Sammi June slipped out of bed. She made little effort to be silent; her roommate slept like the dead and was snoring peacefully, as always, an arm’s reach away in the tiny University of Georgia dorm room they’d shared since last September. Sammi June hadn’t slept at all, peacefully or otherwise, since Gramma Betty’s phone call yesterday afternoon.
Baby girl, your daddy’s alive.
Baby girl. Nobody had called her that in years, not since her dad had gone away to fly F-16’s over Iraqi deserts, eight years ago. Daddy had still called her his “baby girl,” then, even though she’d been ten years old at the time. Would he still call her that now, she wondered, even though she was no baby, hardly even a girl? She was eighteen, an adult in the eyes of the law, old enough to vote and get married without permission and be responsible for her own choices. A grown woman.
Although she didn’t feel the least bit like one at the moment.
Uncaring of the morning chill, wearing only the boxer shorts and tank top that served her as pajamas in all seasons, she slumped into the hard-backed chair at her study desk beside the window and fingered apart the blinds. Out there on the still-slumbering campus the other buildings were dark shapes, street and yard lights blurred and haloed by a thin gauze of fog. Flowering trees were beginning to take lacy form among the darker grays of azaleas and new-leafed trees. Stars were few, pale pinpricks in the lavender sky. Search as she might she couldn’t locate the Evening Star, the one she’d wished on so many times, all those years ago.

Starlight, star bright,
First star I’ve seen tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might…

Anger surged unexpectedly, trembling through her, stinging behind her nose and eyes. I wish my daddy would come home. How many times had she wished that when she was little? Wished it so hard sometimes it felt as if all the cells in her brain were vibrating, as if her head might explode. And…nothing.
Instead one day they’d told her her dad was dead, that he wasn’t ever coming home again. She hadn’t believed them. She’d begun to wish on the Evening Star again, a different wish this time. I wish my daddy would be alive. And still nothing. For eight years.
Nothing. How angry she’d been, deep down inside where nobody could see it, angry with her dad for leaving her, for not being there when she needed him to see her in her class play, to cheer at her soccer games, congratulate her after speech tournament victories, walk her across the field when she was elected Junior Homecoming Princess. To comfort her when she had to get braces, and when she’d missed being selected for the freshman cheerleading squad. How angry she’d been, though she’d never let anybody see it, not even Momma.
And now? Now that she was practically grown-up and didn’t really need parents anymore, it seemed all those pathetic little-girl wishes had finally been granted. Her dad was alive. He was coming home. Was God playing a joke on her? She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel.
The blinds clanked softly as they slipped back into place, and a tear left its silky track down Sammi June’s cheek.

Jessie’s fingertips stroked the image in the snapshot album she held in her lap—Sammi June, in her ball gown, head held high and tiara gleaming, radiantly smiling against the backdrop of an indigo sky. So lovely, so grown-up at not quite seventeen, and in her high heels already almost as tall as her escort, her uncle Jimmy Joe. And, Jessie remembered, she’d even managed to look graceful during that walk across the football field, in spite of high heels that kept punching into the damp turf.
A young woman. Would Tris even know his daughter? She’d been a knobby-kneed tomboy in ponytails when he’d seen her last.
The image blurred and wavered inside its protective plastic envelope, and Jessie hurriedly blotted her eyes with the sleeve of her heather-gray blazer. Her hand lingered there, lightly pressing her cheekbone…her temple, smoothing back wisps of hair. There was gray in those wisps now, that hadn’t been there eight years ago. She’d changed a lot—lines at the corners of her eyes and around her mouth…her neck. Her breasts weren’t as firm, her belly a bit more rounded. I’ve changed. Will he know me?
Lieutenant Commander Rees was waiting politely for her reply.
“I think—” Her voice shook and she drew a breath to steady it. An image rose in her memory of the only other time she’d ever seen Tris in a hospital bed, pale and groggy after the surgery to set the fractured leg that had grounded him during Desert Storm. It was the only time she’d ever seen him vulnerable and helpless. He wouldn’t want her to see him like that again. “I think Tristan would rather I waited for him at the residence. He’s never been crazy about hospitals.”
She struggled to produce a smile for the officer before turning to gaze, unseeing, upon the German countryside.
He’s been like that—vulnerable and helpless—for eight years, the man I knew and loved for his strength, his pride, and yes, even his arrogance. What did they do to him? How did he survive, all those years? How could he survive, without being irrevocably changed? Will I know him?
Butterflies danced and shivered inside her, and she thought, Yes. That’s where the biggest changes will be, in both of us. There, deep inside.

Chapter 2
The guest residence had been privately built by a nonprofit foundation to accommodate the families of military personnel undergoing treatment at the medical facility. It was an imposing structure of stone and slate made hospitable by the boxes filled with tulips, daffodils and hyacinths that adorned every window. As Tristan drank in the sight, the lump that seemed never far away these days came back into his throat. It had been a long time since he had seen daffodils.
The sedan in which he was riding, a modest Mercedes, rolled to a stop beside the building’s main entrance. Its driver, a young airman whose name Tristan could not remember, got out and came around to open his door for him.
The man sitting beside him in the back seat touched his arm. Al Sharpe, the air force major assigned as his escort, or “shadow,” asked quietly, “Would you like me to see you inside?”
“Thanks, I’ll take it from here.” Tristan’s attention was engaged with employing the cane he’d been given to lever himself out of the car. He wasn’t happy about the cane, but the knee he’d injured punching out of his exploding Hornet eight years ago never had healed properly, and the unaccustomed activity of the past few days seemed to have aggravated it. The doctors had told him that, with good physical therapy and possibly some surgery, he’d likely get most of the use of it back. Eventually.
Most of it. Eventually. He wondered what that meant, and whether it applied to other things he’d lost. Eight years with his wife…watching his little girl grow up. The person he’d been. Nobody was ready to assure him so easily and carelessly about his chances of getting those things back.
Upright, he flashed Major Sharpe his out-of-practice smile. “This is one mission I’d like to fly solo, if you don’t mind.”
“I understand. We’ll be back here for you at twenty-one hundred hours, then.” He paused to hold Tristan’s eyes for a long moment. “Remember what I told you—don’t expect too much of yourself. One step at a time. And meanwhile, if you need anything, you just give me a call.”
“I will. Thanks. I’ll be okay.” He nodded at the airman, who saluted briskly, then shut the door and got back in the car.
As he watched the Mercedes drive away it occurred to Tristan that for the first time in nearly eight years he was on his own. Completely alone. Unsupervised. It was a strange feeling. He turned and made his way slowly along the walkway to the door, thinking about the fact that those limping steps were his first without an escort since he’d regained consciousness in an Iraqi desert to find himself surrounded by gun-toting soldiers with hatred in their eyes.
A cold, sick feeling washed over him. He knew the feeling well; he’d lived with it in many forms, the past eight years. Fear. Strange, he thought, I’m about to see and touch the one person I dreamed of seeing and touching for all those years…the one whose face and voice in my dreams I think at times were the only thing keeping me alive. And I’m scared to death.
At the door he paused, turning to let his gaze sweep once more over the parking lot and the new-leafed trees and red-tiled roofs beyond. The sky was overcast, the sun breaking through the clouds in rays, like fingers. Beside the walkway, planters bright with more tulips, daffodils and hyacinths gave off a heady scent. The air was cool and seemed thin and light in his lungs. So different from prison air, which was thick and heavy. Prison air weighed a man down.
I don’t know who I am, after breathing that air for so long, he thought. I know I’m not the same man I was when I left her. Nowhere near.
And he let them come, then, the questions he’d tried so hard to hold at bay: Will she love me still? Will she want this man—this shell—that I’ve become?
He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with the scent of flowers, and from long habit, her image came to fill the blank screen of his mind. Jessie’s face, so vivid he felt as if he could reach out and touch it, every detail etched in his memory as if in stone. Her lips, curved up at the corners, and her nose, crinkled across the bridge with her smile…
But she’ll have changed, too, he reminded himself. They’d warned him to expect that. In eight years, how could she not have changed? And yet—he caught a quick sip of the winey air, as if to give himself courage—she hadn’t remarried, they’d told him. Why, when she’d been told he was dead? Did that mean— What did it mean? It could mean everything. It could mean nothing.
He realized his heart was pounding so hard it was making his chest hurt. He rubbed the spot ruefully as he reached for the door handle. Whatever it was waiting for him beyond that door, postponing it wasn’t going to make it easier to face.

For the life of her, Jessie couldn’t make a simple decision. She’d spent what seemed like hours deciding what to wear, not that that was an unheard-of thing for a woman, but it hadn’t ever been a particular problem for her before. She wore wash-and-wear pants and smocks for work, jeans and sweatshirts or shorts and T-shirts or tank tops at home, depending on the season of the year, and when something more sedate was required, dressy slacks and a blazer, with a sweater or shell, again dictated by the season and the weather. She owned a couple of dresses, basic and eternal in style, which were pretty much reserved for weddings and funerals. What was to decide?
Today, though, she’d stood before the mirror in her room for what seemed like hours, helpless and on the verge of panic. Nothing looked right to her. The blazer she’d worn on the plane seemed too formal, too stiff. The sweater she’d finally chosen was lavender, which used to be Tris’s favorite color. Was it still? Would he remember? Was she trying too hard? Had she put on a few pounds? God, she thought, I look old.
And her hair. She hadn’t had time to shampoo and blow it dry. Should she wear it loose on her shoulders anyway, the way she knew Tris preferred, even though it was definitely looking limp and travel weary? And the gray mixed in with the blond at her temples—oh God, he’d have to be blind not to see that, no matter how she wore it.
She couldn’t decide where to wait for him. Her room—their room—with its hotel-type arrangement of bed, sitting area and desk-table workspace with a separate bathroom, was at least assured of privacy. And the guest house staff had gone out of their way to make it homey, with fresh flowers and a huge basket of fruit on the table. The sweetest thing—there was even a Teddy bear wearing a yellow ribbon around its neck propped on the bed pillows. But, oh, that bed—Lord, it seemed to Jessie it took up most of the space in the room—it dominated…it distracted. She didn’t want Tris to think—she didn’t want to think—her stomach knotted and quivered and she pressed her fist against it to quiet the butterflies. I won’t think about it now.
In the end, she’d decided on the guest house’s common room, just off the lobby reception area and next door to the dining room. It was a gracious, hospitable place, with a gas log fireplace and comfortable furniture arranged for intimate conversation or reading the paper, or settling down with a good book. It was fairly private, being empty at the moment—the house had only a few other occupants besides her, since most of the casualties from the Persian Gulf were being shipped stateside as quickly as possible—but there was no guarantee it would stay that way. So far the news media hadn’t caught up with her, but she knew it was only a matter of time before they did. She also knew the guest house staff, as well as Lieutenant Commander Rees, would do everything they could to shield her until she felt ready to face the onslaught. As she would have to, sooner or later. She’d just as well prepare herself.
Prepare myself? Who am I kidding?
Right on cue, she heard the click of the front door opening, the polite trill of a buzzer announcing someone’s presence in the lobby. I’m not ready, she thought in panic. I’m not ready.
She could hear the receptionist asking if she could be of assistance. The murmur of a masculine response. And—oh God, it was Tristan’s voice. For the first time in more than eight years, she was hearing her husband’s voice.
Her heart leaped like a fractious Thoroughbred in the starting gates, yet inside her head she felt…quiet. Her mind kept touching on unimportant subjects—what she was wearing, what she looked like, her hair again, the photo album, Sammi June, arrangements for dinner, the fire on the hearth, even the furniture in the room—like a nervous housewife waiting for guests to arrive. But when she tried to think of Tristan there was only blankness, like an empty page.
Gradually she realized she was trembling, and that her chest was so tight it seemed impossible she could take a breath. She knew her hands were icy and her stomach a roiling mass of butterflies. But why, she wondered, when my mind feels so calm? Whose body is this? How can it be mine when I have so little control over it?
She couldn’t hear his voice now. She strained to catch the sounds of his footsteps but heard only the surflike thunder of her own blood in her ears.
Then he was there, framed in the doorway. Undeniably Tristan, unbearably thin and a little stooped, though she could see he was trying not to be. He was wearing a borrowed jumpsuit. Beyond that she was certain of nothing; her vision blurred and wavered until she saw him through a shimmering fog.
Oh—she wanted to go to him, but that body of hers again refused to obey the orders her brain gave it. No matter how hard she willed them to, her legs wouldn’t move. Her feet remained firmly rooted to the floor. She wanted to say something—his name, at least—but when she drew a quivering breath in preparation for speech, nothing came out of her mouth.
“Jess…” It was no more than a breath. A whisper. A sigh.
He was coming toward her, limping. She saw that he had a cane, though he didn’t appear to be using it, and when he was within arm’s reach of her he let go of it, seeming unaware or uncaring that it toppled to the floor.
Her shoulders rose in a helpless shrug—an apology for not meeting him halfway. And the breath she’d taken—oh, hours ago, it seemed—remained trapped in her chest, prisoner of the certain knowledge that when she released it a sob would go, too.
His hands were on her shoulders, his fingers rubbing in the softness of her sweater as if he’d never felt its like before. Blurred as her vision was, his face seemed angular and unfamiliar to her, his normally bright, intelligent eyes sunken deep in shadowed sockets. She fought against panic, searching that haggard face for some sign of the Tristan she knew—that arrogant tilt to his mouth, those sun creases at the corners of his eyes? If she could see him clearly—but she dared not blink.
“My God,” he whispered, “you look just the same.”
His fingers walked across her shoulder blades, drawing her hesitantly closer, as though he feared at any second she might vanish in a puff of smoke. He said nothing more as he folded her into his arms but drew a great breath through his nose, as if filling himself up with the scent, the essence of her. As if he’d never be able to get enough of it.
He held her carefully, almost reverently, at first, then closer…harder, and buried his face in her hair. The breath she’d been holding burst from her in a sob. She no longer had to worry about her trembling; it wasn’t possible to tell where hers left off and his began.
She had no way of knowing how long they stood there like that, locked in a silent, almost desperate embrace. It occurred to her that it was like a refuge, that silence…the closeness, a safe place neither of them wanted to leave.
But they must leave it, of course, and confront what had happened to them and what lay ahead. And it came to Jessie in those moments that for the first time in their lives together, she would have to be the one to take the lead.
From the first, maybe because she’d been so young when they’d met, Tristan had been the boss in their relationship, the leader, the strong one. Even when he was away on deployments, he’d made all the important decisions, and more than a few of the small ones, too. But that had changed eight years ago, and there was no going back to the way things had been. This is who I am now, Tris. I’m not the same Jessie you left behind.
Fear shivered through her, and she stirred in his arms. They loosened instantly, though he kept her within their circle, his hands still transmitting minute tremors through the fabric of her sweater and deep into her body. That almost imperceptible shaking nearly undid her. She placed her palms on the front of his jumpsuit and tried to laugh. Then gave that up and sniffed loudly, brushing at her eyes. “Told myself I wouldn’t do this.”
Tristan had told himself the same thing. He’d been raised on the notion that real men don’t cry, although eight years in an Iraqi prison had cured him of that notion. He’d heard tougher, stronger men than himself cry like babies, and he wasn’t ashamed of the times he’d done so himself. But he wasn’t about to let himself cry in front of her. He’d learned a lot about self-control in that prison, too, and if it took every ounce he had, he wasn’t going to let Jess see him shed a tear.
He had his reasons for feeling that way, most of which he would have a hard time explaining in words. Some of it was plain old masculine pride, probably, normal guy stuff about wanting to stand tall in front of his woman, particularly when he was feeling anything but. Some of it was protective; he didn’t want Jess to ever have to try to sleep with the images that filled his nightmares. And maybe the biggest part was a combination of those two things. Partly pride, wanting to be for his woman the man he’d once been, the man she expected him to be—a strong man who believed absolutely in himself, and would never give in to weakness. Partly wanting to protect her from knowing about the man he was now—a man who, in the dark and secret places of his mind cringed and cowered in terror, a man who’d cried and screamed and suffered every imaginable kind of humiliation and degradation, and who wasn’t sure what he believed in anymore.
His thumb stroked a tear across her cheek, and his eyes followed it hungrily, as if the salty moisture were some rare and wonderful elixir that could cure everything that was wrong with him. “It’s incredible,” he said, his voice still hushed and disbelieving. “I was prepared—I told myself you wouldn’t, but you do—you look exactly the same.”
She laughed a shaky denial, while her hand fluttered self-consciously toward her face. It changed direction on the way there and touched his instead. He couldn’t control a wince—it had been too many years since he’d felt a gentle touch—and to cover it he caught her hand in his and held it there.
“You look—” she began, and he rushed to interrupt the lie.
“—like bloody hell. I know. I’m sorry, I wish—”
“You don’t.” She’d expected worse. And yet…she hadn’t really been prepared—how could she be?—for this gaunt and bony stranger. He’d always been strong and fit, all muscle and not an ounce of excess fat. Now his body felt hard and alien to her. “But you’re so thin,” she finished, with another shaky laugh.
His face formed a smile, a wry one, beneath her hand. “I guess maybe I have been missing that Georgia cooking. Get me some good ol’ Southern fried chicken, some of your momma’s biscuits and redeye gravy, and I’ll be filled out in no time.” Under her palm, the smile quivered and vanished. “You might have to be a little bit patient with me for a while, though, darlin’. They tell me I’ve picked up an intestinal bug or two, but they’re working on that. Once that’s cleared up, there’ll be no stopping me. Hey, you know, I used to dream about Colonel Sanders? And sweet corn drippin’ butter, and bacon and tomato sandwiches with those great big tomatoes—your momma still grow those in her garden?”
Grief and anger at what had been done to him overwhelmed her. Fighting it with all her might, she drew her hand from his grasp, touched his jaw and then the front of his jumpsuit. Frowning with the effort it took to force calm into her voice, she cleared her throat and carefully began, “Did they—”
“How’ve you been? How’s Sammi June?”
It was a hurried interruption, meant to keep her from asking the questions he didn’t want to answer. Wasn’t ready to answer, she realized, kicking herself, and vowed there and then not to ask again. He’d tell her when he wanted to, when he could, she told herself. If he could.
She answered him in the same false, bright tone, which nobody ever did better than a Southern woman. “Oh, we’ve been doin’ fine…just great. Momma’s fine…”
“Sammi June?”
“She wanted to come…she’s got midterms—”
He looked dazed. “Midterms…my God. She’s in college? I guess…she would be, wouldn’t she? I don’t know, I just keep thinking she’s still a little girl, you know? I guess…she’s pretty much all grown-up, isn’t she?”
The quaver of wistfulness and bewilderment in his voice, in his face, once again was almost more than Jessie could bear. “Oh, she sure is that,” she said, and her voice, still bright, was thinner now, squeezed past the ache in her throat. “She’s taller than I am, if you can believe that. Oh, here, I brought some pictures—” she snatched up the little album she’d left lying on the couch and thrust it at him “—so it won’t be such a shock when you see her.”
He took the album from her, then simply held it, staring down at it as if he had no idea what it was, as if he’d never seen such a thing before. A shiver rippled through her. There was something in his look, a kind of darkness, that frightened her. As if he’d gone away someplace and left her behind. Someplace terrible.
She realized she was babbling—about Sammi June’s classes, the women’s soccer team she was on—just to fill up that silence.
Tristan slowly lifted his head, then looked around as if noticing his surroundings for the first time. “Is there someplace we could go?” Jessie’s heart gave a queer little lurch and she was about to tell him about the room upstairs, the one with the enormous bed in the middle of it, when he abruptly bent down and picked up his cane, then used it to point toward the windows. “For a walk, I mean. Outside. It’s a pretty nice day, looks like.” He looked at her and gave her a smile of apology—that crooked smile she was learning to expect, so different from the old one that showed his beautiful, even teeth and made comma-shaped creases in his cheeks and fans at the corners of his eyes. “I’ve been indoors way too much lately.”
A laugh burst from her that was still frighteningly close to a sob. It was partly relief, she knew; relief that he’d come back from that dark place in his mind. And partly a girlish eagerness to please him that made her think of those first giddy days…weeks, when she was eighteen and newly, wildly in love.
“Sure,” she said, “I don’t see why not. Except—” She’d almost asked him if he felt up to such a stroll, if he was strong enough. Even weak as he obviously was, she knew he’d hate that, and was glad she’d stopped herself in time. Instead she aimed her doubtful look at the windows. “Did you see any media people out there? There weren’t when I got here, but I figure it’s only a matter of time before they find us.”
He gave a snort, and the wry smile flickered on again. “Yeah, your mom said they were camped out on her lawn.”
“You talked to her?”
“First call I made.” His gaze brushed her and he spoke in a diffident, offhand way that seemed almost shy—so unlike Tristan. “It was the only number I was pretty certain would still be the same. I didn’t know if you were—if you’d—hey, I mean I’d understand if you did. As far as you knew, I was dead, right? I mean, legally, even if I was just MIA, after eight years—”
His floundering voice stabbed at her. “Tris, I’m not. Married, I mean, I haven’t—”
“I know that. Your mom told me—well, actually, they did. The Navy, I mean. First thing they did was fill me in on the vital statistics, what information they had.” He paused, and again touched her face with that shy, uncertain glance as he said almost belligerently, “Not being remarried isn’t the same thing as not having someone, though, is it?”
“I don’t,” Jess said gently, and caught the heartbreaking flash of hope that brightened his eyes before he jerked his eyes away. His light, ironic laugh came to her as they moved side by side toward the door that opened onto a patio where guests could sit at outdoor tables when the weather was fine. Beyond that was a wooded area, and a paved bicycle and pedestrian path.
“So, I guess we’re still married, then?”
He didn’t know what made him ask it, like probing a sore tooth with his tongue. We’re still married, then? He didn’t feel like her husband. He felt like a barbarian invader, bringing pain, ugliness and horror into her soft and lovely, civilized life. Everything about her—her hair, her sweater, her skin—was so beautiful, so soft. She smelled so clean. He didn’t feel clean, and sometimes wondered if he ever would again. Until he did, he knew he’d never be able to touch her without thinking that he was soiling her, somehow.
We’re still married, then? What he really wanted to know was, Do you still love me? But that was something he couldn’t bring himself to ask.
Bleakly, he drew a breath and forced a smile. “Your momma seems just the same,” he said as he crossed the brick-paved patio, using the cane in what he hoped was a dashing sort of way rather than leaning on it like an invalid. He considered the pain in his knee only an annoyance—he’d grown accustomed to much worse—but the doctors had told him to keep his weight off of the knee as much as possible. And since his dreams of ever flying again lay pretty much in their hands, he was willing to do what they told him.
Jess gave a light laugh as she came beside him, fitting her stride to his uneven gait. “Did she cry?”
“I…think she might have, yeah, but you know how she is. She’d about die before she’d let you see her shed a tear.”
She did a quick scan for reporters, then moved across the strip of grass that separated the guest house from the path. “Yeah, Momma doesn’t change much,” she said, lifting her face to the sweet spring breeze.
The breeze lifted the hair from her shoulders gently, like the fanning of a butterfly’s wings, and the slanting sunlight shone golden through the fine strands. It seemed to Tristan the loveliest sight he’d ever seen.
“Things around her keep changing, but she stays the same. She’s like, I don’t know…our family’s anchor, or something. Our compass. You know—true north?”
He did know. He wanted to tell her how she and Sammi June had been that for him, all that and more—his anchor, his compass, the beacon light on the shore, his sword, his shield, his armor. But that seemed too big a burden of expectation to lay on one person.
“I guess there’ve been a lot of changes, though,” he said.
She threw him a smile. “Yeah, there have. Mostly good ones. Lots of babies. There’s a whole new crop of nieces and nephews for you to meet. Jimmy Joe and Mirabella—you remember Mirabella’s little girl, Amy Jo? Jimmy Joe delivered her in the cab of his rig on a snowbound interstate in Texas on Christmas Day? Anyway, they have a little boy, now, too, and by the way, J.J.’s a senior in high school, if you can believe that. Then my brother Troy and his wife Charly, they have two little girls. And…let’s see. Oh—oh my God, you’ll never guess. You know my little brother, C.J.?”
“You mean, Calvin? The one that dropped out of high school, and everybody’d pretty much given up on?” How good it felt to talk like this, of ordinary, everyday things. Home…family.
“Excepting Momma, of course—Momma never gives up on any of her kids.” Laughter bubbled up, and he drank the happiness in that sound like water from a healing fountain. “Yup, that’s the one. Well, would you believe he’s a lawyer now?”
“A lawyer? Good Lord.”
“I know, isn’t it wild? He just passed the bar this last March. And guess what else? He’s married. No babies yet, but he and his wife—her name’s Caitlyn, she’s from Iowa, and he met her when she hijacked his rig, and then she got shot and was blind for a while—oh, God, it’s a long story—but anyway, they’ve adopted a little girl. Her name is Emma—she’s a doll. And…let’s see, who else?”
“What about your other brother—what was his name—Roy?” Tris prompted. “Did he ever get married?”
Jessie sighed. “Not yet. That makes him the last holdout in the marriage department. He’s down in Florida, someplace. On the gulf. Captains a charter fishing boat.”
“Sounds like a tough life,” Tristan said dryly.
“Doesn’t it, though. Okay, so who does that leave? Oh, yeah, my oldest sister, Tracy, of course—she’s still married to Al, the cop, and they still live in Augusta and still have four kids. And then there’s Joy Lynn—”
She broke off while he took her arm and guided her out of the path of a pair of joggers who were overtaking them on the pedestrian side of the pathway. And he thought how easily such a thing came back to him. Sometimes, in fact, it was hard for him to get his mind around how some things, small, everyday things that had been absent from his life for so long, slipped back into it almost as naturally as—well, smiles and laughter, which were two more things he’d been without for a long, long time. If only, he thought, everything could be that easy.
“Joy—how is she? She and her second husband—what was his name?—ever have any kids?”
Jess threw him a look, too quickly. He became conscious once again of the soft fabric of her sweater, warming beneath his fingers, and the tensed muscle of her arm under that. He let go of it and felt her body relax.
“Fred.” She bit off the word. “She divorced him—with good reason, by the way. And she swears she’s never getting married again. Given her lousy taste in men, it’s probably just as well. Anyway, she lives in New York, now. She’s working on a novel, but she has a job at a magazine publisher’s to pay the bills.” She gave Tristan another side-long look. “I was up there visiting her when I got the call. That’s why I wasn’t home—”
“I know,” he said softly. “Your mom told me.” After a long moment he added, “She said you’re a nurse now.”
“Yeah,” she said, watching her feet, “I got my degree four years ago. I work in the NICU—the Neonatal Intensive Care—”
“I remember. You always wanted to do that, after Sammi June. That’s great.”
They walked on in silence, moving slowly, overcome all at once by the enormity of what had happened to their lives, the catastrophic changes of the past few days. The sun went down, and the air turned cooler. Tristan, who had sometimes doubted he’d ever be completely warm again, couldn’t repress a shiver.
Jessie glanced at him but didn’t ask if he wanted to turn back. Probably trying not to smother him, he thought, hating how weak he felt. He wondered if he’d ever have any stamina again.
After a while she said, “Granny Calhoun passed away.”
He nodded his acceptance of that inevitability; the old lady, his mother-in-law’s mother, had been at least ninety and frail as a twig last time he’d seen her, though still sharp as a tack mentally.
They paced another dozen quiet steps, and he was thinking he was going to have to turn around pretty soon, unless he wanted to humiliate himself by having to call somebody to come and get him and carry him back. Then he looked over and saw that she was crying. Soundlessly, with tears making glistening trails down her cheeks. Only when she felt his gaze did she lift her hand and try to stanch their flow with the sleeve of her sweater.
“Jess,” he said, his voice raspy with emotions long and deeply buried.
When she didn’t reply he uncertainly touched her elbow. That was all it took to bring her to him, sobbing.
He stood and held her as close as he dared, staring over her head with eyes dry and face aching, hard little muscles clenching and unclenching in his jaws. Joggers and bicyclists hurried past, uncurious, their whirring wheels and labored pants making breathing rhythms in the dusk. A plump woman in a bright-blue coat, hurrying in the wake of an overweight poodle straining at its leash, gave them a glance, then politely averted her eyes.

Chapter 3
Why am I crying? Jessie wondered. Why now, of all times?
Not for Granny Calhoun, although there hadn’t been a day in the years since her grandmother had passed on that Jessie didn’t miss her. Granny had gone the way most everybody would like to, suddenly and peacefully at an advanced age, in her own home surrounded by her loved ones. Thinking about her brought Jessie only a warm and gentle sadness.
But this… Oh Lord, this grief had come up in her like a geyser, hot, violent, wrenching. This pain was searing…shocking, the pain of a loss so unjust, so unspeakable, it felt as though her entire body was turning itself inside out trying to reject it. These tears were unstoppable; like the grief and the pain, they’d been held back too long, buried beneath the serene, accepting surface of her everyday existence. They were Tristan’s tears, she realized. The ones she’d never shed for him, not then, when she’d lost him, nor in all the years since.
Why hadn’t she cried for him? Because she’d had to be strong, she’d told herself. For Sammi June, for Momma and the rest of her family and friends who were so worried about her. For Tristan’s family and especially his military friends and colleagues, who’d expected her to keep a stiff upper lip, be brave. And for herself. Especially for herself.
“There was a memorial service,” she said, pulling back from him to mop at her streaming nose with her sleeve. She didn’t mean Granny Calhoun, but she was sure, somehow, he’d know that. “They gave me a flag….” She closed her eyes, once more helpless to stop the tears flooding down her cheeks.
She felt her husband’s arms fold around her. She felt his bony, rock-hard chest deflate with a sigh. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, as if he didn’t know what else to say. He kept saying it, standing there in the growing chill of evening. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad I got that out of my system, aren’t you?” Jessie said. But her laugh sounded phony, even to her own ears.
When Tristan didn’t answer right away, she gathered her courage and looked up at him. But his face was a shadow against the pale sky, and his profile seemed stark and closed.
They were walking back toward the residence, more slowly now than when they’d left it, close together but not touching. It seemed to her that Tristan was leaning more heavily on his cane, and even without touching him she was aware of the tremors that seized him from time to time. She felt a squeezing sensation around her heart.
“I don’t know where that came from,” she said, rushed and breathless with guilt, “I really don’t. I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t—” His voice sounded almost angry. Softening it took an effort even she could see. “God—don’t apologize. For anything. Ever.” He drew a breath, then said stiffly, “I know this must be difficult for you.”
The understatement left her at a loss for a reply. She looked up at him, lips parted but speechless. He looked back at her, and after a long moment she saw his face relax with his smile. The new, wry smile that was half irony, half apology. “Sorry, that was—”
She touched two fingers to his lips, stopping him there. “Don’t apologize,” she said, mimicking him in a voice that quavered. “About anything. Ever.” And he laughed and lightly touched her fingertips to his lips before wrapping them in his hand. “I didn’t…know how I was going to handle this,” she went on, haltingly. “I haven’t known what to do. What to say.”
“There’s too much to say,” he agreed, nodding as they walked on. “Makes it hard to know how to start. It’s like what the doctors have been telling me, I guess. Be patient. Take it slow. One step at a time.”
“Well,” Jessie said with a breathy laugh, “we’ve made it through the first step. That’s the hard part, right? From here on it should get easier.”
He gave her hand a squeeze before he released it to open the guest house door for her. She waited for him to say what they both knew to be true, which was that the hardest parts were almost certainly still to come. He didn’t say it, but even in the warm and welcoming lobby, she felt him shiver.

“You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to,” Jess said.
Tristan looked up at her with a guilty start. It occurred to him that he’d been staring down at his plate for a good bit longer than was polite. Not that there was anything wrong with the food. She’d made a point of ordering some of his favorites—fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy and fresh green beans, peach cobbler with thick cream for dessert—and the house staff had gone out of their way to oblige, even serving them dinner privately in their room. It was just that it still came as a shock to him to see so much food in one place, all at one time. More food than he could possibly eat, even after several days of such bounty.
“It looks…fantastic,” he said, meaning it. It seemed as if he was always hungry; sometimes he even dreamed about food. Right now he felt light-headed from hunger; he just wished his stomach didn’t always feel so queasy.
He picked up a piece of chicken—the drumstick; she’d even remembered he liked them best—and bit into it. The juice exploded in his mouth, and the rich, greasy flavors nearly made him lose the tenuous hold he’d been keeping on his self-control.
“Tris? Are you okay?”
He heard alarm in her voice and managed to smile for her as he nodded, swallowed, then said softly, “Culture shock. Things hit me every once in a while.”
He wiped his mouth with the napkin he’d been given without realizing at first what he was doing. Then he caught himself and looked down at it, almost in wonder. “This, for example. You have no idea how strange this feels…” His voice trailed off while he watched his fingertips rubbing and stroking the crisp, clean white linen.
After a moment he laughed, quietly and painfully. “When I got to the carrier, they gave me some things…a little bag of toiletries—you know, a toothbrush and tooth-paste…a razor…some other stuff. It felt…sort of, I don’t know, overwhelming, to have so much stuff. I didn’t want to let go of it. I carried that damn bag around with me for three days.” He stopped and stared hard at his plateful of food. Those admissions, like the tears he’d shed in prison, embarrassed him.
“So,” she said, when he’d been silent too long, “what’s going to happen next?”
He looked up and saw that she was wearing her bright, brave smile, not the one he loved, the one that made her nose wrinkle and her eyes dance and a little fan of lines spray out from their corners. Right now her eyes, that amazing amber brown with thick sable lashes that made so striking a contrast with her blond hair, were wide-open and luminous. They looked fragile as blown glass, as if they’d shatter if she blinked.
His own eyes felt hot, and he looked quickly down at his plate again and concentrated on the task of picking up his fork and loading it with mashed potatoes and gravy. Looking at her was like trying to look at a bright light after being in darkness. It had been like that the first time he’d ever laid eyes on her, he remembered, that day on the beach in Florida. With her golden hair and tawny eyes, she’d seemed to him like a broken-off piece of the sun.
“What happens next?” His hand went reflexively to the little album of photographs lying on the table beside his plate; like that bag of toiletries, he couldn’t bring himself to let it out of his reach.
It had occurred to him that Jess would probably like to go through it with him, sitting beside him and telling him the story behind each picture. He’d barely glanced at it, but that had been enough to tell him he wouldn’t be able to handle doing that—not now, not yet. He was going to have to do this by slow degrees and in a very private place. It was going to take time to absorb this new reality into who he was now. Time and some emotions he’d rather not have anyone see and wasn’t strong enough, yet, to control. He shifted the album slightly, nudging it furtively back under his forearm as he took another bite of mashed potatoes.
“For the next few days I expect there’s going to be some more tests. I know the head doctors aren’t done with me yet, and then they’d like to get these intestinal bugs under control before they turn me loose.” He glanced up and tried to smile. “Sorry—I know that’s not a nice topic of conversation for the dinner table.”
“What’d I tell you about apologizing?” She smiled back at him, a gentle smile that made him ache to hold her. Touch her.
If I touch her now, he thought, it would be like that napkin. Strange. Alien. If I hold her, it’ll be like holding on to that bag of toiletries they gave me. Like a crazy person, holding on because I’m too screwed up, too afraid to let go. I can’t do that to her. I can’t.
He grinned and said, “Sorry,” and saw her relax a little as she accepted his pitiful attempt at humor for the gift it was meant to be. He ate more chicken while she played with hers and the silence thickened. Helplessly he thought, We’re like strangers. And then: We are strangers.
Casting for something with which to break that silence, he cleared his throat and said, “I talked to my dad—” at precisely the same moment she got fed up with it, too, and decided to ask, “Did you call your…dad?”
He laughed and said, “Great minds…”
And she laughed and said, “Yeah.”
He began again, nodding as he chewed. “He was my second phone call. We had a good talk.” He looked up and flashed her his out-of-practice smile. “Well—actually, he did most of the talking. I guess I was pretty much in a state of shock.” His gaze fell, and he was staring at nothing, his mind a bleak landscape of shifting shadows. “Still am, if you want to know the truth. I don’t think it’s sunk in yet. Nothing seems real. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up at some point and I’ll be back in that prison—”
“I imagine that’s normal,” her voice interrupted, hurrying, trying to hold steady. It scattered the shadows, at least for the moment. They’d be back, he knew. They always came back. “It’ll get better, Tris. You just have to give it time. You need to get well, get your strength back. Once we get home and things settle down…” Her voice trailed off.
He looked up and saw her eyes on him, pleading silently in her pale face, and suddenly felt defeated, overwhelmed. She wanted too much from him. Wanted so much for him to be okay. To be the man she remembered. The Tristan he’d been before.
“You’re wondering why I asked to stay over here, aren’t you?” he said abruptly. “When they probably would have shipped me home as soon as they had me cleaned up and deloused and knew I was fit to travel.” He pushed back his plate. He wanted to reach for her hand, but found the album instead, and curled his fingers around it. “It’s not what you’re thinking—”
“You don’t know what I’m thinking,” she said with unexpected heat. It was a flash fire, only a glimpse of the Jess he remembered, but it caught him by surprise and made a nice spreading warmth inside him—like taking a slug of what looked like iced tea and finding out it was whiskey. He smiled, and for the first time since he could remember, felt like the smile came from someplace deeper than his tonsils.
“Anyway, I got to thinking, after I’d talked to Dad. He mentioned that where we are now isn’t that far from where he grew up, and I thought—”
“I know you always wanted to see Germany.” He heard a definite break in her voice. “We talked about it, remember? We always said we’d go, someday, when Sammi June was grown up and gone….” Her eyes had that suspicious glow again, and there were splashes of color in her cheeks. He felt the warm place in his chest grow larger.
“I do remember,” he said, staring hard at her, his voice gruff and raspy. “And I guess maybe I have a different take on ‘someday’ now than I used to. I asked to stay a few extra days in Germany so I could check out the places where my mom and dad grew up. And I wanted you to go with me. Because it was something we talked about. Doing together. If you want to.”
“I’d love to.” Her voice had a furry quality to it that made him feel as though the temperature in the room had risen ten degrees. “Are the doctors okay with it? How soon can we go?”
“Oh, the doctors seem to think it’s a great idea.” He grinned, but it was the new, painful one back again. “They’d like for me to get adjusted to ‘normal life’—whatever that means—as soon as possible, but I think they’re a little leery of turning me loose on society until they’re sure I’m not going to self-destruct at some point on down the road.”
He saw her throat tighten, but she nodded and her voice was matter-of-fact as she murmured, “Post-traumatic stress…”
“This way,” he continued dryly, “they can let me out on a leash, so to speak, then reel me back in so they can run tests to see how I’m coping.” He finished with a shrug and another half smile. “Something like that, anyway. Hey, I don’t mind, as long as they let me go. As long as you want to go.”
“Lord’s sake, you know I do,” she said, and hearing that Southern accent of hers made something tickle inside him, like bubbles in champagne. It came as a surprise to him to realize it was pleasure. “How far is it? When can we go? Tomorrow?”
“Not tomorrow.” All at once the heat in him cooled and the bubbles fizzled, swamped by a new wave of fatigue. He wondered if he was ever going to stop feeling tired all the time. He said with a smile of apology, “It’s probably gonna be a couple days before I’m up to it, darlin’. Tomorrow they’ve got me scheduled for some more tests…more debriefing. Which reminds me—” he clutched the edge of the table and clumsily pushed back his chair “—my shadow’s supposed to be picking me up at twenty—uh, make that nine o’clock, and if that clock radio over there is right, it’s near that now. I’d better be getting downstairs.”
“You have to go back?” She was on her feet, too, with her head held high. She kept her voice light, and because he knew she didn’t want him to, he tried not to see the disappointment in her eyes. “I just assumed you were staying here tonight.”
It was the moment he’d been dreading, and from the tense and defensive way she was holding herself, he wondered if she’d been dreading it, too.
“Jess,” he said gently, “I can’t. You wouldn’t want me to.”
She nodded once, quickly—and yes, half-relieved. “It’s okay. I understand.”
She didn’t, though, he knew that. Overwhelmed once more with tiredness and a sense of failure, he tried to explain. “I don’t…sleep well. I’m not used to sleeping in a bed—”
“Oh, hell, I knew it.” Her voice was suddenly bright and quivering with melodrama. “My stars, it’s this damn bed, isn’t it?” She threw her arms wide to encompass the bed, which he’d already noticed took up a good bit of the room, and he knew she was trying to ease the awkwardness between them by making light of it. “It’d scare anybody off. Not to mention, it’s just downright tacky.”
“It is a lot to live up to,” Tris agreed, coming up behind her. “I don’t think my prison cell was as big as that bed.” He lifted his hands, but didn’t allow himself to touch her. Her scent, one he was familiar with but couldn’t place, drifted to his nostrils, and he closed his eyes and drank it in, swaying a little with exhaustion and longing. So sweet…so clean.
God, the irony of it was terrible. He’d dreamed of her for so long…how she’d look…how she’d smell. How she’d feel. In his mind he’d explored her body, every inch of it. He knew…he remembered…every detail: the sprinkles of freckles on her shoulders and even across the tops of her breasts where her bikini didn’t reach; the way her nipples looked when she was aroused; the tiny red mole, no bigger than the head of a pin, just where the two halves of her rib cage came together; the scar low on her belly from the Caesarean she’d had when Sammi June was born. How he’d loved to kiss her there…then lower…oh yes, lower. Now here she was, inches away…a breath away. His wife. And he could hardly bear to touch her.
“I have nightmares,” he said, his voice ragged with his anguish. “I’m afraid I might—I don’t want to hurt you.” He knew how lame it must sound.
She turned back to him, moving in that abrupt, jerky way—and just like that, he was flashing back again to a Florida beach and the first time he’d ever set eyes on her, her body coltish, self-conscious and awkward, and at the same time so sexy. Sexy as hell.
“It’s okay,” she said, breathless and rushed, laying her hand along his jaw. As before, he curled his fingers around hers and drew them away from his face, carefully as he knew how. He wasn’t used to being gently touched. “You’re here. You’re alive. That’s all that matters.” She paused, and he nodded. A smile trembled on her lips. “So. You’ll be back tomorrow? After you’re finished with the tests and the debriefing?”
He nodded, then started violently when the phone rang. She went to pick it up, and he waited for his heartbeat to slow down before he said, “That’s probably Al now.”
The big red-gold letters on the digital clock beside the bed said nine o’clock on the money, and he thought what a luxury it was to always know the exact time. He was accustomed to determining the passage of days by the waning of darkness and light, and weeks by counting scratches he’d made on the walls of his cell. One of the first things he’d do when he got back to the world, he decided, was buy himself a watch.
That reminded him of something he’d forgotten to ask Jess.
She put the phone down and turned to him, eyes too bright. “That was your ride. He’s waitin’ for you downstairs.”
He nodded and reached for the cane he’d left propped against the bed. “Jess, there’s something—”
“He said to take your time.” She was hugging herself, and her smile looked strained. He wished he felt strong enough to put his arms around her and make her feel safe and protected, the way he used to. But he knew he wasn’t.
“Come down with me,” he said. “You can meet my shadow. Al’s a good guy.”
She nodded, and waited while he shifted the cane to his left hand and opened the door and held it for her.
“There’s one thing you can do for me,” he said, and she looked at him again in the eager way he remembered from when they were first dating. “Tomorrow, if you want…while I’m busy at the hospital, you…uh, maybe you could go shopping for me? Pick me up some clothes?” His smile slipped sideways. “Just occurred to me, I don’t have any civvies.”
“Sure, I’ll do that. I’d love to.” So eager to please him it made his throat ache. “Where— I mean…”
“I don’t know what there is around here. Al can probably tell you. Or—did they assign you somebody?”
“They did—Lieutenant Commander Rees, my casualty assistance officer. He’d probably even take me. Oh—” her eyes darkened as they swept across his body “I don’t know what size—”
“Just get me my old size,” he said softly as he closed the door behind them. “I’ll grow into ’em.”
“Promise?”
He took a deep breath. “That’s a promise,” he said fervently. Then he put his arm around her shoulders and brought her to his side. Suspense hummed in his muscles until he felt her body relax against him, and there was an aching familiarity about her softness as she slipped her arm around his waist.

Back in her room half an hour later, Jessie closed the door and leaned against it. She felt drained and lonely. It had taken all the emotional stamina she’d had left to make brave small talk for Major Sharpe, and then to smile and let her husband slip away from her side and walk away. Funny—as apprehensive as she’d been about this reunion, and as awkward and difficult as it had turned out to be, watching him leave again had been the worst. She’d wanted to cling to him and cry like a child. Instead she’d kept her smile plastered in place and returned his little farewell wave—it had seemed so uncharacteristically tentative, for Tris—and then turned and walked back inside and up the stairs on legs that were suddenly trembly. Now, with no one to see her, she clamped her hand over her mouth and let the tears come.
Gulping sobs, she felt her way to the huge bed and sank onto it. Shaking, bereft, she reached blindly for something to hold on to—a pillow—and found herself hugging a large plump Teddy bear instead.
She stared at it in surprise, and then a gust of laughter replaced her sobs. Intermittently laughing and sobbing, she gazed at the fat brown bear while she mopped at her tears with the sleeve of her sweater. Whose idea had it been to leave her such a thing? she wondered, poking and tugging distractedly at its cheery yellow bow.
Heavens, she’d never been the Teddy bear type, even when she was little. Joy, now—she was the one for bears. Joy Lynn, Ms. Sophisticated New York Career Person, had bears all over her apartment. She had them on her bed and her sofa and her dressertop. She had one sitting on the back of her toilet, for heaven’s sake.
Jessie had been…well, somewhere between the baseball mitt and the Nancy Drew type, which was a hard place for a Southern girl raised in the seventies to be. In fact, come to think of it, she’d had a hard time fitting into any recognizable niche, growing up in Oglethorpe County, Georgia.
Until Tristan Bauer had come along. Right then, for the first time in her life, she’d known exactly who she was and where she belonged.
She lay back on the bed, hugging the bear to her chest. With her eyes closed she could see him walking away from her, not the way he’d looked tonight, thin and worn, steps uneven, but on a night half her lifetime ago, striding down the second-floor walkway of a Florida beachfront motel, tall and strong and straight, head set with that proud and arrogant tilt, radiating self-assurance in almost visible waves.
And she, leaning against the wall outside her door because she feared her legs weren’t going to hold her up if she left it, and her lips still throbbing from his kiss and her insides turning upside down, had called out to him. “You don’t have to go, you know.”
At the top of the stairs he’d paused to look back at her, one hand on the railing, smile tender, eyes dark with regret.
“You can stay if you want to,” Jessie had said to him in a husky, grown-up voice that hardly trembled at all. Lauren Bacall, sexy and sleepy-eyed. But inside her head she was crying in panic, If you leave me now, I’ll just have to die.
He sauntered back toward her while her heart tried to beat its way out of her chest, and when he was close enough to touch her he stopped. Smiling wryly, teeth white against his dusky skin, he murmured, “Darlin’, much as I wish I could, I don’t have any protection, and I’m pretty sure you don’t, either.” He lifted a hand and lightly brushed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. Then he turned away once more.
And she’d known—she’d absolutely known—that if he went ahead and walked away from her then, it was going to be forever, that she was about to lose her one and only chance for true love and lifelong happiness. The man was gorgeous, and this was Florida, spring break. There had to be hundreds—no, thousands!—of girls out there on those beaches more beautiful, more sophisticated, more prepared than she was. If she let him slip away tonight she was gonna lose him—simple as that.
Trembling, she’d heard herself say, “I’m on the pill.” In the comparative innocence of that long-ago time, pregnancy had been the only concern on both their minds.
He turned back to her once more, looked down into her eyes and smiled. Then he tucked his finger under her chin, lifted it and kissed her, pressing her back against the wall until she felt the whole hard length of him against her. He kissed her in ways she’d never known before, then took her room key from her nerveless fingers and unlocked her door. Somehow or other they found their way inside.
The door had barely closed behind them before he was taking off her clothes—not that it was a hard thing to do, a tug on the tie of her new beach coverup, another on the string of her new matching bikini—and kissing her all the while, until her mouth felt hot and swollen and her breathing was only desperate sips, caught between whimpers. He kissed her throat until the pressure made her pulse pound like a bass drum, then moved his mouth downward, kissing his way across the tops of her naked breasts. Hot as she was, her nipples went puckered and hard as if she had a chill, until he began to warm them, pulling one deep into his mouth and sucking and stroking it with his tongue while his hand covered and chafed the other, and she thought she couldn’t possibly stand so much…so much feeling. Then his mouth moved to the other breast while his hand came to warm the one his mouth had abandoned, and she moaned and drove her fingers into his hair and clutched him harder against her, pleading for…she didn’t know what.
His hands stroked down her sides, hooked under the strings of her bikini bottoms and yanked them down, and the heat bubbled up in her like a geyser. Her legs buckled, and he caught her hips and held her while his mouth pressed kisses across her belly, and then lower. And…oh, no—lower. His tongue slipped into her, and she uttered a sharp, shocked cry. She gripped his shoulders and sagged against the wall, legs spasming as his arms held her captive and his tongue moved rhythmically inside her.
Her mind left her. Later she would marvel and wonder at what had happened to her, stunned to think that she, Jessica Ann Starr, had allowed a man to do to her what he’d done. Stunned to discover her body was capable of such sensations. But then, utterly mindless, she’d gasped as her body jerked out of her control and he’d surged upward to wrap her in his arms and hold her while she sobbed and quaked through her first-ever climax.
Before reason could return and find her perched on the brink of utter humiliation, she was lying in a tumble of sheets, and Tristan’s hard, hot body was covering hers and he was kissing her again—her belly, her breasts, her mouth—and the bubbling, searing heat was spreading once more beneath her skin. His hand stroked her thighs, coaxed them apart and cupped the moist, pulsing place between. A finger gently probed while he kissed her mouth deeply…and then he held her intimately in the warmth of his hand, raised his head and looked into her eyes.
“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” he said.
Breathless and belligerent, she’d replied, “What if I am?”
He’d laughed softly and kissed her again. Sometime later, breathless and trembling now himself, he’d lifted his head again to ask in a broken whisper, “Are you really on the pill?”
She’d told him the truth, but by then it was too late, and neither of them cared.
Seven months later, while Tristan was on an aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean, Jessie had been rushed to the base hospital for an emergency Caesarean. The baby, a girl, had weighed a little over three pounds, and since Tristan hadn’t been there to say otherwise, Jessie named her Samantha June.
That’s who the bear’s for, Jessie realized as the pounding heat ebbed from her body. Whoever was responsible for warming her quarters with flowers and a fruit basket would have known Tristan had a teenage daughter. The Teddy bear had obviously been meant for Sammi June. And they’d forgotten to call her.
She sat up, hands smoothing the bear’s fur and straightening the yellow ribbon around its neck. She felt terrible, ashamed; she was a miserable excuse for a mother. She’d meant to phone Sammi June while Tris was here. Of course, she hadn’t known he was going to be with her for such a short time, but the truth was, she’d forgotten. She’d been so focused on herself and on Tris. She’d been selfish, thinking like a lovesick girl instead of somebody’s mother.
Placing the Teddy bear back in its nest amongst the pillows, Jessie wiped her face with the sleeves of her sweater and reached for the phone.

Chapter 4
Sammi June set the computer on Hibernate, shut it down, stretched, then shoved back her chair and bent over to slip on her running shoes. She tied the laces and grabbed up her fanny pack as she stood, shaking the cramps out of her legs. She was halfway out the door, buckling on the fanny pack as she went, when the phone rang. She said a bad word and thought about ignoring it; she was starving, and on Sundays the cafeteria’s hot food line closed early. And frankly, after working on that stupid psych paper all day, she was not in the mood for yogurt.
But then a little shiver ran through her, and before she could stop it came the thought: What if it’s my dad?
She went back into the room, closed the door carefully behind her and picked up the cordless handset from its nest in the pile of comforter and discarded clothing on her bed. She punched the button and said, “Samantha June’s Funeral and Pizza Parlor, how may I help you?”
“Hey,” said her mother’s voice.
“Hey,” said Sammi June. Her knees gave out unexpectedly and she sat down on the bed. “So, where are you?” Her hand, the one holding the phone, had started to shake, so she lay back in the jumble, pillowing her head on one arm.
“I’m in Landstuhl. Right now I’m in my room in the guest house. Hon’, I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier—”
“’S’okay, I’ve been working on this stupid paper all day, anyway. I was just going out to get something to eat.” And she rushed on without pausing for breath, “So, is Dad with you?”
She heard her mom take a breath. “Not right now, no. He was, but he left about half an hour ago. He had to go back to the hospital. Hon’, I’m so sorry—”
“The hospital! What’s wrong? Gramma said he was okay.”
“No, no—it’s nothing—there’s nothing wrong, he just has to stay in the hospital so they can monitor him for a little while longer, that’s all.”
“But you’ve seen him.” Sammi June pressed the phone hard against her ear.
“Yeah…” Her mom’s voice sounded very gentle, the way it did sometimes when she was totally exhausted after a gut-wrenching day in the NICU where she worked. Then she added in a brighter tone, “Hey, we had dinner together—fried chicken and peach cobbler,” and Sammi June could almost see her mom trying to straighten up and put on a happy face for her. Which really bugged her. I’m not a child, she thought. Jeez, Mom, like I need for you to sugarcoat everything for me.
“So,” she said, putting it right out there, “how is he?”
“He’s okay. He’s…pretty good, considering,” her mother said, too carefully. Sammi June wanted to yell at her.
“Well, what does he look like?” She felt like she was suffocating. Even after she realized she was holding her breath, she couldn’t seem to let it go. “I mean, you know. Does he look…” Like my dad? Like the dad I remember? Like, of course he doesn’t, stupid. Duh, he’s been in a prison camp for eight years. Finally she settled for, “Has he changed a lot?” And then, eyes closed, she waited, pleading silently. Don’t lie to me, Momma. I’ll never forgive you if you lie to me. Don’t treat me like a child.
After what seemed like forever, she heard her mother take another careful breath. “Well, he’s…thin.”
“He always was,” said Sammi June, struggling to breathe.
“No—” there was a little rush of laughter “—really thin.”
“You mean like…concentration-camp thin?”
“Oh—Lord. Well…” Her mother was laughing still, but in a way that made Sammi June wonder if she was crying at the same time. She felt a sob pushing against her own throat, but was determined to keep it there. “No, not that bad. Just…way too thin, is all. And his hair’s got a lot of gray in it, especially at the temples. It looks kind of good, actually. You know—”
“Distinguished,” said Sammi June, and cleared her throat. “Does he have any—you know…scars? I mean, did they—” But she couldn’t bring herself to ask.
“I don’t know,” her mother said quietly. “He…doesn’t like to talk about…what happened to him. He has a knee injury—he’ll probably have to have surgery for that, eventually. Right now he’s using a cane, but he says that’s just temporary. Honey, we have to give him time, that’s all. We have to be patient.”
“I know…that’s okay, I was just wondering. So—what happens now? Are you gonna see him tomorrow?”
“In the evening, yes, I think so.” There was another little laugh. “Tomorrow I’m going shopping, actually. I have to buy him something to wear. He hasn’t got any civilian clothes at all.”
“No way.” Sammi June pushed herself upright. “Okay, this is cool. This is your big chance, Mom. Europe’s way ahead of us. Promise you’ll get him some really stylin’ stuff, okay?”
Her mom laughed. “I’m gonna try. Listen, you better go on and get something to eat, now, okay? I just wanted to let you know what’s going on. Everything’s okay. We’ll call you tomorrow when he’s here, I promise.”
“Sure, that’s fine.” Sammi June hugged herself and the phone and wished she could stop shivering. “Uh, Momma? Is there…do you think there’s any chance he might still call tonight?”
There was a little pause before her mother said gently, “I don’t know, honey, he was pretty tired when he left. Late as it is here, I think you should just go on and get yourself something to eat. We’ll call tomorrow, for sure. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. Sure.”
“Okay then. Bye-bye, honey. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Momma. Bye.”
For a long time after she pressed the disconnect button, Sammi June sat on the bed, holding the phone cradled to her chest and rocking herself. She no longer felt the least little bit like eating.
And in her room in the guest house in Landstuhl, Germany, Jessie set the phone back on its cradle and picked up the Teddy bear. After gazing at it for a moment, she wrapped her arms around it and cradled it against her heart.
Does he have any scars?
She didn’t know how to tell Sammi June that the worst of her daddy’s scars were most likely deep down inside him, where nobody could see them.

At eleven o’clock next morning, Lieutenant Commander Rees arrived in a European model Ford to take Jessie shopping. He took her to a larger town near the air base where, he said, most of the families of base personnel did their shopping. Before turning her loose in the shops, however, he took her to lunch at a small bistro that served mostly Italian food, including pizza. Normally Jessie was very fond of pizza, but it was going to be a while before she stopped associating the smell of Italian food with the heartstopping terror of that phone call from her mother, telling her that her husband had come back from the dead after eight years.
She ordered a small antipasto and a diet soda, and since the weather was unusually sunny and warm for April, they chose one of the small tables outdoors on the sidewalk.
Lieutenant Commander Rees didn’t mess around. He stabbed a fork into his baked ziti, then asked Jessie straight-out how things were going with her and Tristan.
Jessie, being a true Southern woman, was all set to smile brightly and assure him that everything was Fine, just fine, but for some reason, didn’t. Maybe it was something to do with the lieutenant commander’s air of authority and self-assurance, which all military officers seemed to have, in her experience, and the fact that Jessie had barely known her own father growing up and was wanting to confide in somebody strong and wise, but all at once she found herself blurting out the truth.
“I don’t know,” she said. Her throat closed and she stared bleakly at her salad. “I don’t know how it’s going.” She took a breath and belatedly fought for control. “I’m a nurse, I feel like I ought to have a better handle on this than I do. Hey, I’m used to taking care of tiny little babies. What do I know about how to deal with…with—”
“I’m not gonna lie to you,” the lieutenant commander said in his brisk military way, matter-of-factly munching a bite of ziti. “Lieutenant Bauer’s got a rough road ahead of him, and so do you. It’s not gonna be easy.” Jessie nodded miserably, and after a moment he wiped his mouth with his napkin and went on. “The fact is, some POWs have an easier time adjusting than others. And sometimes their marriages don’t survive the strain. Now, Mrs. Bauer, your husband is a man with a good, strong character to begin with—if he wasn’t, he’d never have survived what he did as long as he did. If I were a betting man I’d have to put my money on him to make it back all the way. But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be a cakewalk. He’s gonna need you to be strong. And, he’s gonna have to reach down inside himself and find some strength maybe he doesn’t know he has.”

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