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Scout's Honor
Stephanie Doyle
The game has always come firstJayson LeBec couldn't be the champion Scout Baker needed when he walked away without her years ago. But seeing her grief over the death of her father—the legendary baseball coach they both idolized—Jayson's now ready to step up to the plate.On the fast track to tanking her career and her reputation, Scout's in trouble. And while she'll agree to ex-sex with Jayson and nothing more, what she really needs is a friend. If only she'd let him be that! Because the only game plan he's ever had is "Love Scout…"


The game has always come first
Jayson LeBec couldn’t be the champion Scout Baker needed when he walked away without her years ago. But seeing her grief over the death of her father—the legendary baseball coach they both idolized—Jayson’s now ready to step up to the plate.
On the fast track to tanking her career and her reputation, Scout’s in trouble. And while she’ll agree to ex-sex with Jayson and nothing more, what she really needs is a friend. If only she’d let him be that! Because the only game plan he’s ever had is “Love Scout...”
“There are no sides here, Scout.”
“Yes there are. Mine and theirs. You knew that, you knew that better than anyone and now you’re choosing their side. Great, just great!”
He could see the tears in her eyes and the hysteria that was building. In two steps he was in front of her, his hands around her upper arms, shaking her a little and forcing her to look at him.
“Scout, I’m here for you. For you. And I’m not going anywhere. Got it?”
She looked at him then, right into his eyes. As though she was seeing straight through to his soul, really, for the first time.
“Until you leave me again. Yeah,” she said, pulling away from him. “I got it.”
There it was, Jayson thought. The final second of their time-out just ticked on the clock.
The past was back.
Dear Reader (#ulink_b444e0cc-ddc5-54cb-be70-6f4de85efecb),
Hopefully, if you are reading Scout’s Honor, you had the chance to read The Comeback of Roy Walker as the first book in the series. When writing that book I truly fell in love with the somewhat prickly younger sister named Scout.
Then of course there was Scout’s relationship with her father and the man she once loved that she could never quite get over.
I was so excited to write this story and I hope I did right by both Scout and Jayson. This is a story of love and grief and finding a way to start over again even when everything seems lost. It’s one of my personal favorites.
I love to hear from readers, so if you do enjoy this story you can let me know at www.stephaniedoyle.net (http://www.stephaniedoyle.net) or on Twitter, @StephDoyleRW (https://twitter.com/stephdoylerw).
Stephanie Doyle
Scout’s Honor
Stephanie Doyle

www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
STEPHANIE DOYLE, a dedicated romance reader, began to pen her own romantic adventures at age sixteen. She began submitting to Mills & Boon at age eighteen and by twenty-six her first book was published. Fifteen years later she still loves what she does as each book is a new adventure. She lives in South Jersey with her cat, Hermione, the designated princess of the house. When Stephanie’s not reading or writing, in the summer she is most likely watching a baseball game and eating a hot dog.
Contents
Cover (#u4ddb33d8-7281-5344-9ad4-12d230de3b08)
Back Cover Text (#ucbc4b40f-96f3-5707-961b-8c82e5a0a1ef)
Introduction (#ueeb4d552-ad46-5b55-a3b0-c08a7730974b)
Dear Reader (#u861ff3c5-dec1-524f-9f74-77637891e944)
Title Page (#ud2acabbc-a41f-5816-b34b-8ebfbc779148)
About the Author (#u725cbceb-5554-5e93-83a4-63a88836a828)
CHAPTER ONE (#u55bdb503-1ca1-5ed1-b5fd-5fe0e0715b9e)
CHAPTER TWO (#ufa37fb1a-3487-54de-a11b-2fc6a70b038f)
CHAPTER THREE (#u0dafecec-c500-54ca-b88e-f19ff2cc5789)
CHAPTER FOUR (#u4075836a-3f2e-5561-a913-4a3066745e4a)
CHAPTER FIVE (#u23f70f0c-709c-57ee-a580-4c28ebf384d9)
CHAPTER SIX (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ELEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TWELVE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER THIRTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIXTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINETEEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TWENTY (#litres_trial_promo)
EPILOGUE (#litres_trial_promo)
Extract (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ONE (#ulink_e469e07a-b861-5554-865b-f7d0dd45a0f2)
SCOUT STARED AT the gathering around the grave site and tried to remember how she’d gotten here. It wasn’t as if she had forgotten the past three months of her life. Of course she hadn’t. Nothing would ever take away that time. That horrible beautiful time when she got to care for her dying father and be with him as he slipped away from this world.
She’d read baseball biographies to him while he slept. They’d watched classic World Series games on the MLB Network channel when he was awake. She’d even allowed her sisters to have time with him. After all they were his daughters, too, and they also loved him, so it seemed only fair.
Yes, Lane and Samantha deserved their time with Duff. But when it came time for the serious stuff—the pain meds, the oxygen and then finally the morphine drip—that had been all Scout.
With the help of Sarah, the hospice nurse. Scout was convinced the woman had been sent from some mystical land of grace and peace. A perfect companion during a dark time who seemed to make it all so easy for Scout, Sarah had given simple, clear directions that Scout had followed ruthlessly.
A drop of morphine every six hours. Then two drops, then three drops. Then three drops every three hours, two hours and one hour as required by the pain.
Slowly and gently easing Duff’s way.
Duff had been spared what the nurse had told her could be truly awful pain. He’d been lucky in that regard. Or maybe the whole thing had gone easier for him because he hadn’t had any thought of fighting death.
He’d said it every day until the day he stopped speaking: “Sad to go, but the game has to end.”
His game ended four days and two hours ago.
Standing at this grave site, Scout could see she was wearing a black coat over a black dress, except she had no idea how she’d gotten here. Really no idea what had happened in these past four days.
She thought she remembered falling...
“Scout, it’s done,” Lane said now, approaching her cautiously. She wrapped an arm around Scout’s waist for comfort and perhaps steadiness. Had she hurt her head when she’d fallen? Is that why she couldn’t remember?
She tried to respond, but it felt difficult to form words in her mouth.
“Okay.” It was conceivable that had been the first thing she’d said in the past four days.
“We need to go back to the stadium.”
Jocelyn Taft Wright, the owner of the Minotaur Falls Triple A baseball team and stadium, had decided Duff Baker’s funeral reception should be held there. After all it was going to be a major baseball event and probably the only place in town that would hold such a large crowd of people.
Duff Baker had been a legend in the game of baseball, first as a Hall of Fame player and then as a World Series–winning manager. His time managing the Minotaurs had just been his way of retiring while still staying connected to the game. He would joke about dying in his baseball uniform. In the end it was a close thing.
So not only was the entire town planning on attending, but also a good chunk of the Major and Minor League Baseball world—Duff’s other family—would be there. Old teammates. Former players he’d coached. The current roster for the Minotaurs, a lot of the players devastated by his death. And the press, reporters all now writing what they hoped would be their epic tributes to one of the game’s best.
Heck, the commissioner of baseball was coming and planned to speak.
Scout didn’t mind. Although the pomp and circumstance were interfering with her need to hide in her closet for oh, say, the next year, she knew it was Duff’s due.
She wanted this for him. She wanted him to have the accolades and the speeches. And then when the season opened in the spring it would all start again. Duff’s daughters would be expected to make appearances at various different events. Throw out opening balls. Be there for tribute games in the cities where Duff had made his biggest impact as both a player and a manager.
They had even been called by ESPN to do a documentary on Duff and the game of baseball. Scout wasn’t ready to go there yet, but that he warranted such a tribute meant something to her.
And just the other morning she’d heard Mike and Mike on the radio offering their condolences to the Baker family. That had been nice.
“Scout, come on,” Lane said, shaking her gently. Not that it helped. Scout agreed it was time to go but she couldn’t find the energy to move. It was more numbness than anything else. As if a heavy fog had settled over her brain.
“Lane, Scout. We need to go. Now.”
The two of them looked over to their older sister, Samantha. Scout thought she looked way too pretty for a funeral. Her blond bob was perfectly slick to her chin and her stylishly thin body was wrapped in a caramel-colored coat that Scout knew felt as soft to the touch as fur but of course couldn’t be, because Samantha loved animals.
Samantha had come and gone every weekend these past few months. working desperately to repair the relationship with her father that had broken down in the years since their parents’ divorce.
It wasn’t that they fought. It’s just that she didn’t openly adore Duff the way his other two daughters did. Knowing Duff and loving Duff, Scout found that to be impossible.
How could anyone not adore Duff?
How could anyone keep a distance from him?
How was Scout supposed to survive now that he was dead?
The idea of survival without him was a doozy that kept hitting Scout at all hours of the day. It had been on her mind throughout the ordeal of his dying. It was even more persistent now that he was gone. Because there was no going back.
The finality of death was truly a bizarre thing. For three months she’d been preparing herself for the event. For three months she’d been grieving, wondering when it would finally happen. For three months she’d been looking ahead to this day knowing it would come and knowing there wasn’t a damn thing she could do to stop it.
She’d thought she’d accepted his loss on some level. She’d thought she had prepared herself.
How utterly stupid of her.
“She’s not moving,” Lane said.
Samantha sighed as she walked toward them.
As a rule Scout and Samantha weren’t close. During the divorce Samantha, who had been just starting college at the time, had stayed in touch regularly with their mother. Sam would even go so far as to try to convince Scout that there were two sides to every story.
Given that Scout believed her mother to be a traitorous bitch, that logic was unacceptable.
But during these last few months as Scout watched Samantha and Duff find their way, she’d been trying to be high-minded about the whole thing.
For Samantha’s part she would always pull Scout back to reality. To the present.
Scout could have hated her for that but she had needed Samantha’s discipline to get through these last few months so she could be the caregiver Duff needed her to be.
“I’m moving,” Scout mumbled. Words still felt funny in her mouth. Like what she thought she was saying wasn’t actually what people were hearing.
Lane gave her another push and then Samantha was walking in step beside her. A limo was waiting for them. Roy Walker was waiting for them there.
“She holding up?” he asked his wife.
Lane was Roy’s wife.
So crazy, Scout thought. They’d married...what was it...only six weeks ago? Lane always said she hated Roy Walker, but Scout had known. She’d always seen the truth between them.
“She’s moving, which is good,” Lane said to him. “Let’s get her in the car.”
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here!” Scout snapped.
She knew she wasn’t herself. Fine. But everyone was treating her as if she was somehow different from her two sisters, who had also lost their father. Different from everyone else who had been at the funeral and was grieving.
Why were they doing that?
“It’s the drugs,” Samantha explained to Roy and Lane.
Drugs. Of course. That’s why she felt this way. Numb and foggy. As if she had no power over her mind and body.
“You drugged me?” She asked the question of Samantha, but she could see Lane wince.
“Honey, you needed something,” Lane said, apparently defending what had obviously been Sam’s call. “It’s just a Valium to relax you. Now come on. Let’s get you in the car.”
They had drugged her. Her sisters had done that. Scout planned to be very angry about that as soon as she could think again.
“Was she here?” Scout asked suddenly suspicious of everything. Now that she knew she’d been drugged, who knew what kind of evil her sisters intended. “Yes,” Samantha said matter-of-factly. “I told you she would be.”
“I don’t want to see her,” Scout said.
“Too bad, Elizabeth,” a woman from inside the limo said. “I’m your mother and, whether you realize it or not, you need me right now.”
Scout shook her head. “Did someone just call me Elizabeth?”
A leg, then a body and then a head got out of the car. Suddenly Alice formerly-Baker-now-Sullivan was standing in front of Scout. The traitorous mother she didn’t want to see.
Not today of all days.
She hadn’t been able to stop her mother from calling these past few months. Not that Scout had had much to say to her. It seemed Duff had, though, because they’d spoken a lot.
“Yes, I called you Elizabeth. Because it’s what I named you. Now let’s get in the car and do this thing. You look like you could drop at any moment. Have you eaten anything in the past four days?”
Scout looked directly at Samantha. “I’m going to need more drugs.”
Samantha had the nerve to smile.
They all got into the limo and Scout made a point of sitting across from her mother so she wouldn’t have to touch her, but that made it difficult not to look at her.
She’d caught a break when Alice and Bob had been in Europe and couldn’t make it for Lane’s wedding. Scout gave her mother some credit for not causing Lane any grief over the speedy wedding, knowing it had been important to her for Duff to see his middle child marry.
As a result she hadn’t seen her mother in almost two years. Not since the last time Duff had forced her to go visit. Those visits would always end with Scout leaving early because the sad truth was, she and her mother had nothing to say to each other.
Alice was still beautiful for a woman in her sixties. Duff had married later in life, and he always said it was because he’d been waiting for Alice to grow up. He used to say he wanted to marry the prettiest girl he ever saw and it just took fate and time awhile for them to meet.
“Was she in the limo on the way to the grave site? Did I somehow miss that?” Scout asked Lane, trying to understand how she was now in a car with her mother. Her mother, who she had been hoping to avoid for as long as she could.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Alice said. “Bob drove me to the funeral and will meet up with me at the stadium. I just couldn’t tolerate seeing you standing there so lost. I thought driving over to the stadium with you would be best. I’m sure I’ll say something to anger you, which might give you the jolt of energy you need. You look positively frightening, Elizabeth.”
Raging anger cleared away her drug-hazed state. Her mother was right. “Don’t call me Elizabeth,” Scout growled. “You know I hate it.”
“Yes. You do.” Her mother sighed. “I’m sorry, Scout. I’m truly not here to make this day harder for you. I’m here because you need me.”
Scout snorted. “I do not need you. I do not need anyone. Apparently all I need is some Valium.”
“Look, guys,” Sam said, “can we not do this now? We’re all grieving, and we’re all sad. Let’s just get through the rest of this day together.”
“Why is Mom sad?” Scout wanted to know. “She left Duff for Bob. Bob isn’t dead.”
Alice closed her eyes as if she were searching for inner strength. It was a look Scout knew well because she was the one who often put that expression on her mother’s face.
“I know this is hard for you to believe but I did love your father for a very long time. We just couldn’t make it work. We’re not the first couple in history to have that happen and we won’t be the last. You’re twenty-nine years old. Not a child. It’s time for you to understand that and grow up.”
Scout shook her head. “I’m sorry...was someone saying something just then? I am, like, really messed up.”
“Play your games, Scout. It won’t matter to me. I’m not going anywhere and you’re going to figure that out very quickly.”
“Why not, when I so desperately want you to go?”
“Because I’m the only parent you have left. Deal with it.”
Scout had something to say in retaliation but the words got lost in the fog. The sadness was back.
Duff was gone.
And nothing was ever going to be the same.
* * *
JAYSON LEBEC STOOD back a little from the crowd gathering at the entrance to the stadium as mourners continued to arrive. Seats and tables had been set up. A full lunch service had been catered. Many mingled on the baseball diamond to talk about one thing and one thing only and that was the late great Duff Baker.
In some ways it still seemed surreal that Jayson was back here in Minotaur Falls. That he was now the manager of the town’s Triple A baseball club and filling the shoes Duff had left empty.
“Hey, I know you. You’re the Face Guy.”
Jayson turned at the use of his infamous baseball name and saw Reuben, the general manager of the Rebels, and Greg, the new head of scouting. Greg was pointing at him and smiling.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” Greg asked.
He was. It was Jayson’s claim to fame in baseball. In his debut game in the majors he’d run down a fly ball as hard as he could and lost track of his position on the field. He ended up slamming face-first into the right outfield wall. The harsh part was that the padding that should have offered some protection had fallen off in that particular spot so his face had made direct contact with the brick behind it.
The brick won. His face lost. He did, however, manage to hold on to the ball.
The doctors had to induce a coma to allow his brain to heal. Then came the job of the plastic surgeons putting his face back together. In total, he’d had five different surgeries.
Of course, because of some lingering aftereffects like dizziness and blurred vision, he would never play again. Which was why he didn’t actually like being called the Face Guy.
But in baseball once you had a nickname, it stuck.
“Jayson LeBec,” Jayson said holding out his hand. He knew Greg by reputation as a former Major League pitcher. Greg was older, probably in his midfifties, and had been long gone from the game by the time Jayson arrived.
“Greg Adamson,” Greg said as he shook his hand. “I guess we’re both new to the Rebels organization.”
“Actually, Jayson has been with us for some time, haven’t you? He’s just new to this job, but he’s been a loyal Rebel for many years. Isn’t that right?” Reuben said.
“That’s right. Almost five years now.” Jayson wasn’t sure why but he felt as if Reuben’s use of the word loyal had some other meaning behind it. As if Reuben wanted to assure himself that he still had Jayson’s loyalty over anyone else.
“Couldn’t be happier to have both of you as part of the team,” Reuben said congenially. “My, this is some turnout. Duff would have been pleased.”
“Yeah. He would have,” Jayson said around a sudden lump in his throat.
“I understand you know his daughter Scout Baker personally,” Greg said casually. He took a sip from the beer in his hand.
Jayson looked over to where he’d last seen Scout standing. She was still there with Lane’s arm around her waist, as if Lane was holding her up, while people approached to offer their condolences.
“I do. Yes.”
“I’ve heard some things about her,” Reuben said. “From the players. Seems like she was holding things together down here for a long time. A very long time.”
Jayson wasn’t absolutely sure how to respond to that. He knew it was true, but he couldn’t get a read on whether Reuben was being complimentary or not.
“I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t here then.”
“I was sort of surprised by how young she is,” Greg said. “I mean, a woman baseball scout, that’s odd enough. But still in her twenties? Don’t you think that’s crazy?”
Jayson didn’t like the smile on the man’s face. Like Scout’s position on the Rebels was some kind of joke. “She learned the game of baseball from Duff Baker starting at the age of five. I think that might make her more qualified than any other scout I know.”
“Of course,” Reuben said, patting Jayson on the shoulder. “Poor thing, though, losing her father. You let her know I said to take all the time she needs to recover. There is absolutely no need to come rushing back.”
“Yep,” Greg agreed. “No need at all. My team has everything covered. Can we get you a drink, Jayson?”
Jayson held up his still clearly full beer. “No, I’m good.”
“Well, we’ll see you around, then,” Greg said. “Reuben, come and introduce me to more of the players.”
With a knot in his stomach, Jayson watched them walk off. It had been an innocent enough conversation. Nothing to worry over. Certainly nothing he was going to share with Scout. Reuben had been sympathetic. And the truth was Scout was going to need time.
Heck, Jayson thought he could use some time for his own grieving. Although for now he couldn’t think about what losing the man who had been his mentor, the man who had given him a second chance at a career in baseball, meant to him. Couldn’t let his sadness take over.
He needed to stay in control for her. Scout Baker, his ex-girlfriend.
He looked to where she stood again. She had a glass of water in her hand and a strange look on her face. If he were being truly honest she almost looked high. It wasn’t unreasonable to think her sisters might have given her some kind of tranquilizer. Just to get her through the day.
Or to get her through the day and having to see and talk to her mother. Yes, drugs were definitely necessary for that. Jayson remembered well exactly what Scout thought of her mother. If she talked about her at all, it was usually with the word traitor thrown into the mix.
It used to make him sad. As a boy who loved his mother dearly he hurt for her that she didn’t have that kind of a relationship. When they were together he remembered thinking that it was something he might be able to give her some perspective on. Being loyal to Duff didn’t necessarily mean she had to freeze out her mother.
It didn’t have to be all or nothing.
Then he’d gotten his job offer in Texas and he’d learned firsthand that when it came down to a choice between Duff and anyone else in Scout’s life, that other person was going to lose.
Which had made every day since he’d come back to this town, back into her life, nearly impossible for him. Even now that it was over he didn’t have the strength to walk away from her. He couldn’t leave her when he knew the level of suffering she was going through, but he also couldn’t open himself up too much to her.
She might seek him out, she might need his comfort, but Jayson would never have her whole heart. He could only ever be the second most important man in her life. With Duff gone now, there would be no way to ever prove otherwise.
So as much as she might need him, as much as he wanted to help her, he had to protect himself from getting his heart crushed all over again.
Four years. Four flipping years and still she was the only one he thought about having a future with. He’d dated. He’d screwed. He’d done everything he could to exorcise her.
Nothing had worked.
When he got the job offer to come back to Minotaur Falls it had felt as if he’d run into a wall with his face a second time. A physical pain. The first thought he had wasn’t that this was yet another rung on the ladder he was climbing to get back to the Major Leagues, but that if he took it, he was going to see Scout again.
Four years and she was the first thing he thought about. Which was why he’d turned down the job offer. Until Duff had called and asked him personally to come back. Then Jayson had had no choice. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done for Duff. Nothing.
Including seeing Scout again.
He’d hoped seeing her again would be the thing to cure him. To make her less of a memory and more of a reality. That he’d built their connection up in his head and put it on a pedestal it didn’t really deserve.
That initial encounter with her had been brutal. He’d taken one look at her and known to the soles of his feet that he still wasn’t over her.
He’d asked her about Duff and she’d gotten defensive and then he’d found himself mad all over again. Mad because she’d chosen to stay in Minotaur Falls instead of leaving with him. She had told him she couldn’t leave her father. That he needed her. Which was probably true, but Jayson had always known there was something else holding her back.
It wasn’t just her life here and her father that held her back. It was fear.
She hadn’t been willing to take that risk on him. On them. To reach for something and try to see if it could be as special as Jayson knew it could be. That lack of faith had crushed him. Almost as much as not being the one she chose above all. It should have also crushed his feelings for her but it hadn’t. Because he knew Scout was just scared.
Hard to hate someone who was so scared.
“You’re Jayson LeBec?”
Jayson turned toward the person calling his name. His real name, so not a baseball person obviously.
He’d never been introduced to Alice Sullivan, but he didn’t need anyone to tell him that this was Scout’s mother. Same honey-wheat hair, same green eyes. It probably irked Scout to know how much she looked exactly like her mother.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’m told you broke my daughter’s heart.”
Jayson laughed. He had often wondered where Scout got her bluntness. Duff had been corny phrases and subtle innuendo. Not Scout. She was in your face with what she thought. He loved that about her. He always knew where he stood.
“Forgive me for being so blunt, ma’am, but so did you.”
“I know.” Alice sighed. “That’s why I was hoping maybe we could be friends. We both know what it’s like to be on the opposite side of team Duff and Scout.”
“I’m not sure Scout would like that too much.” In fact, Jayson was nervous just talking with the woman. If Scout saw them together it would layer on the pain, and he wanted to ease her hurt, not add to it.
“Probably not, but I think we both know she needs someone right now. I’m going to try to fight through her stubbornness and see if that person can be me. I was curious if you thought it could be you. Samantha said you wouldn’t leave her side at the end.”
“I couldn’t,” Jayson said and felt the grief overcome him. Standing there by Duff’s bedside watching him drift away. Feeling his pain, her pain. Watching the separation between them grow.
But he’d made a promise.
“I’ll...I’ll do what I can. But it’s not like I can be... I mean I can’t be anything more than a friend to her. If she even wants that. She’s let me hang around the house these last few months, but I think that’s mostly because she couldn’t spare the energy to tell me to leave.”
“Hmm,” Alice said, looking at him, clearly assessing him. He reminded her of Scout when she was checking out a new prospect. As if she could figure out if a kid could hit a curveball just by seeing how he stood. “I see.”
“See what exactly, ma’am?”
“You didn’t break her heart like Duff said. She broke yours.”
Jayson nodded. “She’s still breaking it.”
“I know how that feels, son.” Alice patted him on the arm. “I truly do. The thing about my daughter...when things get difficult, she likes to hide. With something like this I’m afraid she’ll hide so deep no one will ever find her again. I know she’s hurt you, but I think, Jayson, you might be her only hope. She’s going to need someone who knows her tricks, someone who knows them and still loves her for them, if she has a chance of coming out of this. I know that’s an awful thing to ask. But I’m her mother so I’m asking it anyway.”
“You don’t have to, ma’am. Duff already did.”
Alice smiled. “Of course he did. Of course he did. Well, I imagine I’ll be seeing you around then, Jayson.”
“You’re not heading back home after this is over?” Jayson asked. That was probably news Scout didn’t know.
“Depends which home you mean. My current home, no. The home I used to have...yes. Whether she likes it or not.”
Jayson whistled under his breath.
“You might think my daughter is stubborn,” Alice said with a slightly evil smile. “But I’m worse.”
As she turned and walked away, Jayson thought these next few weeks were probably going to get very interesting.
CHAPTER TWO (#ulink_4c1dac23-964a-561c-8870-a562b7b9c745)
Two weeks later...
“I’M READY TO WORK.”
Jayson looked up from his desk and shook his head. Scout hadn’t even bothered to knock. Just opened his door and walked right in with her announcement.
Like this was still Duff’s office and not his.
This transition for her was not going to be fun, he thought, but he knew if they were going to live in the same town, going forward there were going to have to be boundaries.
He needed boundaries.
The season was now officially over and he was just putting his last player evaluation forms together. Not that he would take the next few months off. Even in the off-season Jayson liked to stay involved with the stadium and its activities. He found that it connected him more solidly with the team.
Jerry, the team’s general manager, and his staff would work pretty much year-round until the start of the new season. Making concession stand changes, planning different local events and, most important, trying to figure out new and creative ways to fill the seats.
But for the players’ manager there wasn’t a whole lot to do other than study scouting prospects and give feedback on the upcoming draft next June. To that end Jayson had set up a tryout camp, which would start in the next few weeks. They were usually long shots, but he liked being proactive.
“Did you hear me?”
“You mean what you said after you barged into my office without knocking?”
She had the sense to look sheepish. “Sorry about that.”
Jayson decided boundaries were really the least of his concerns. She was his priority.
“Scout, I don’t think you are ready to work.”
She was standing in front of him in a pair of ripped jeans and a stained T-shirt. Her hair looked as if it hadn’t seen a brush in days, and the bags under her eyes were nearly black. He didn’t need to guess that she hadn’t eaten or slept in days. It was all there on her face, but he could see she’d sworn off the drugs. Her green eyes were clear and focused.
Knowing Scout, she wouldn’t have wanted to take anything that might have diluted her pain. No doubt she would have thought she was being disloyal to Duff by not grieving him hard enough.
It made him ache, but he knew deep inside he had to hold himself back a little. For example, he couldn’t get up and walk around his desk and hold her. He couldn’t try to help shoulder the burden of her grief for her.
He would look after her, make sure she was still upright. Because he’d promised to do that. But it was as far as he could go.
Or it would happen again, like it did the first time. He’d fall for her. Hard. Jayson was fairly certain he’d never survive a second round.
“No, I can do it. We’ve got the tryout camp coming up in a few weeks and I should be there. Not to mention high school fall ball is starting. The Rebels are going to want me out at games.”
“I talked to Greg and Reuben. They were at Duff’s service, of course. Reuben said to give you all the time you needed.”
Jayson didn’t want to think about the underlying tone of that conversation. Scout didn’t need anything else to worry about in her current state.
Scout’s jaw dropped. “Wait a minute. You talked to Greg? My new boss? What right did you have to do that?”
Jayson just looked at her and she immediately backed down.
“Okay, I appreciate you covering for me for these last two weeks, but I’m telling you I’m ready to get out there and start working. Even if I’m not ready, I still need to get out there and start working.”
He leaned back in his chair. Scout moved forward to put her hands on his desk.
“Jayson, my mother isn’t leaving. She’s staying in my house. She’s unpacked suitcases, filled up dresser drawers. I don’t think she has any plans to go home. Neither does Samantha, for that matter. She just keeps waving her phone in my face and telling me she can work from anywhere. Do you know what this is doing to me?”
“They’re trying to help you,” he reminded her. “They are your family and they love you despite all the drama of the past. If you would stop being so stubborn, you might see that. You might realize that we’re all of us here for you, Scout.”
She grimaced and crossed her arms over her chest. Typical Scout defense mode.
“I don’t need their help. There is nothing anyone can do. He’s gone. There is no bringing him back. What are they going to do? Wave some magic wand and fix me? They can’t. I’m broken and that’s all there is. But I’ve still got two eyes and two ears and I’ll know if a sixteen-year-old hitter has the stuff.”
Jayson did stand then and walk around his desk. He tried not to feel hurt when she took a deliberate step back. Sometimes when he was around her he felt like his skin was laced with some kind of poison, that the merest touch might kill her.
“Scout, you’re not eating, you don’t sleep. You’re not...strong enough to be out on the road day in and day out. I won’t let you do it.”
That apparently was not the correct thing to say. For a man walking a tightrope, mistakes like that could be fatal.
“You won’t let me?” she screeched.
And there it was. It was one of Scout’s least attractive traits. When she was angry, truly angry, her voice would rise five octaves until she sounded, as her sister Lane so accurately described it, like a howler monkey.
“Let. Me,” she screeched again.
“Scout, calm down.”
“You don’t get to let me do anything. Am I or am I not a member of the New England Rebels scouting team?”
She was. The decision had been made by the Rebels prior to Duff’s death. Scout was to take a sabbatical to care for her dying father, but when she was ready to return she would go back to her old job of scouting, reporting directly to Greg.
He really couldn’t stop her from working if that was what she wanted.
“I’m broken and that’s all there is.”
Finally, she’d said it, Jayson thought. As if she was never not going to be broken.
That’s why I brought you here, son. You’ve got to fix her.
Jayson shook his head. He hated when that happened. When his subconscious called up these sentences, which sounded in his head as if Duff were talking directly to him. Which of course was ridiculous because he was dead.
Jayson’s very Catholic mother would have said it was Duff talking to him from heaven.
Either way it mostly scared the crap out of him.
“Answer me!”
Yep. Full-on howler monkey.
“You are.”
“Then I get to determine when I go back to work, and I say I’m ready to go back now. I’m going to call Greg and let him know myself.”
“Fine. Then why did you even come down here? You obviously weren’t asking for my opinion.”
“Because...”
He took some satisfaction in that. She’d come down to tell him because she did want his blessing. Maybe his support, too. She couldn’t help herself.
In the months leading up to Duff’s death, he and Scout had basically called a time-out on their own personal drama. Neither really had the energy to deal with what they’d once meant to each other and the anger that was still there on both sides four years later. He’d been this quiet presence in her life and she’d let him be there.
In the past two weeks, though, it seemed like that temporary freeze was beginning to thaw. Scout was getting pricklier and more defensive. For his part, that tightrope was getting harder and harder to walk.
They gravitated toward each other. They couldn’t seem to help it. He went to her house, she came to his. Sometimes to cry, sometimes to talk.
Never to touch. Touching was clearly forbidden.
Jayson knew why she’d really come to the stadium. She couldn’t help herself and it made him feel he wasn’t alone in his suffering.
Gravity. It was a hell of thing.
“I didn’t think about it... I just figured I would let you know,” she said softly as if realizing there was no legitimate reason to tell him about her decision to return to work. “I’ll call Greg.”
Again Jayson felt this heavy throb of pain. He couldn’t let her do this, but he wasn’t going to be able to stop her, either.
“Hey, can I tag along with you on your first few outings? I’ll make sure you’re doing the necessary things like eating and sleeping and at the same time I can keep myself busy. You know I hate this period.”
She smiled. “Some people look forward to a little downtime in the off-season.”
“I’m not one of them.”
She paused for a second, as if considering her options, but then she nodded. “It might be good to have company. I get a little crazy in my head when I’m by myself. Probably the only reason I haven’t kicked out Mom and Bob. Bob! Can you believe it? Him staying in Duff’s house of all places.”
“He’s not a bad guy,” Jayson told her. “Did you know he was with your mom before she met Duff? He was actually a navy SEAL. He was being sent off to some hotspot for an undisclosed duration. He didn’t want your mom to wait so he decided to break up with her before he left.”
Scout just stared at him. “Who told you that?”
She probably wasn’t going to like this either, but it was time Jayson stopped hiding that he disagreed with Scout’s decision to shun her mother. Family was family and she needed all of hers. That Alice had managed to get her foot in the door at Scout’s house and keep it there meant maybe Scout somehow was aware of it, too.
“I was talking to him after the funeral. Your mom, too, for that matter. You two are a lot alike.”
“We are not! She’s a cheater and I can’t believe you would take their side.”
“There are no sides here, Scout.”
“Yes, there are. Theirs and mine. You get that better than anyone and now you are choosing their side. Great, just great!”
He could see the tears in her eyes and the hysteria building. In two steps he was in front of her, his hands around her upper arms, shaking her a little and forcing her to look at him.
“Scout, I’m here for you. For you. And I’m not going anywhere. Got it?”
She looked right into his eyes in a way that always made his insides tighten. As if she was seeing straight through him.
“Until you leave me again. Yeah,” she said pulling away from him. “I got it.”
There it was. The final second of their time-out just ticked on the clock.
The past was back.
Which meant so was the pain.
Five years ago...
SCOUT WAS STILL trying to process the fact that Jayson LeBec’s tongue was in her mouth. Man, he tasted good. Like sparkling water that bubbled as she drank it and made her whole body want to squirm.
The wedding of the owner of the Minotaurs, Jocelyn Taft, and the town’s head sports writer—only sports writer, really—Pete Wright, was still going strong, but Scout and Jayson had decided there were other things they would rather be doing.
This night had been perfect, Scout thought. Executed one hundred percent according to plan. She’d had a crush on Jayson since the day he showed up in Minotaur Falls after her father asked him to come join the team.
Maybe before that...when she saw him as a player run smack-dab into a brick wall just to catch a fly ball. That act had captured Duff’s attention certainly. He believed that someone who loved baseball so much, even if his playing career was over, should still be part of the game.
Scout was tasked with teaching Jayson everything she knew, starting with assessing the talent. The two began doing some scouting for the Rebels, and Scout knew from the moment they’d shared a three-hour car ride talking easily the whole way that Jayson was going to be someone special.
Scout had never been able to talk to boys when she was a young girl. She couldn’t really talk to men now that she was a woman.
But Jayson was different.
Which was why this wedding had been the perfect opportunity to ask him out without really asking him out. If he didn’t like her, she could say she had asked him as a friend. If he did like her...
Well, then the world would be a perfect place.
In traditional Scout fashion she hadn’t been subtle about her interest. The nerves of being with him while he was looking so handsome, when she’d done everything she could to look as good as she could, finally caught up with her.
“So what’s the deal? Do you like me or not?”
Incredibly, the answer had been yes. Incredibly, if she hadn’t asked him to the wedding, then apparently he would have asked her. Incredibly, he’d been liking her the whole time she’d been liking him.
That never happened to her!
Except it had with Jayson and now they were back in his hotel room. They had each gotten rooms at the hotel next to the venue so that they could drink and enjoy the night without worrying about driving home. Now it looked as if they were only going to need one room.
A thought that immediately took Scout out of her body and put her back firmly in her head.
“Hold on,” she huffed. Things were spiraling out of her control so fast she actually felt dizzy.
Jayson took a step back and smiled. “I know, right? This is crazy. I’ve never felt this...needy. Wait, that was wrong. I don’t want you to think... I mean we don’t have to do this, Scout. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“No! I want to do this. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. With you.”
Jayson stepped toward her again, and Scout was both excited and scared. So scared she took a step back.
Jayson tilted his head in that way he did, as if she was amusing him. After all, she’d just told him she wanted to have sex with him and then she’d moved away from him. Who did that?
“Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
He said that to her anytime they were on the road and she would start to get ornery about when and where they were going to eat. He liked steak places, she preferred fried food. When it came time to actually decide on a place he would always ask her, “Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
Her answer was always the hard way because that would make him groan and that would make her smile.
Given the circumstances she didn’t think that was a very good answer.
Sex and hard. No, she wasn’t really ready for that. She should probably tell him this would be her first time, but instinctively she knew that if she did that would freak him out. After all she was twenty-four soon to be twenty-five. Who stayed a virgin that long? Then they would have to talk about it, and he would be self-conscious about it and it would ruin the whole night.
It made more sense to just do it. She adored Jayson. She was hot for Jayson. His kiss alone had aroused her more than anything she could remember in her life, and apparently she wasn’t the only one affected.
“Let’s do this...the best way.” She took a step toward him and rested a hand over his heart. She could feel how fast it was beating and that made her smile. She had done that to him.
Then he was kissing her again and once more she left her head and felt only her body. Her whole body when he pressed against her, her nipples when he lifted a hand to hold her breast, her belly when his erection pressed into her.
It was perfect.
Until it all went wrong.
Present
SCOUT WALKED IN through the kitchen and stopped when she saw Bob sitting at the table, drinking a cup of what she imagined was coffee and reading the paper. Her paper.
“Hey, Scout,” he said casually without looking up from said paper.
“Hello, Bob,” she said stiffly.
“I just made a pot of coffee if you want some.”
She did want some. She was exhausted. What Jayson had said about not sleeping was true. She was determined to stay away from the sleeping pills, though. For that first week it had been too easy to take them and wonder if she would never have to wake up again. Duff would have been furious if he knew she’d even entertained such thoughts.
Which of course she didn’t. Not really.
So she skipped the pills and dealt with all the stuff that was in her head keeping her up at night. Which meant at three in the afternoon she was about ready to collapse. A cup of coffee would go a long way toward getting her through the rest of the day.
It was the idea of taking anything from Bob that stopped her.
Although technically she had bought the coffee. So really it wasn’t as if she was taking anything from him.
“Thanks,” she said in the same tone that she always used with him. She’d met Bob when she was fourteen. Had lived with him and her mother for nine months until they all realized it just wasn’t going to work out. So she knew to be polite and respectful because that’s how she had been raised.
But hello, goodbye and thanks pretty much made up the bulk of any conversations between them.
Except today she’d learned something about him. Something she’d never known. He’d served in the military. Not only served but actually made it to the level of a navy SEAL. She supposed it fit. Even for an older guy he was in super shape. Still, it never would have occurred to her to ask him any personal questions, so it’s not like the topic would ever come up on its own.
Scout actively did not listen any time her mother even mentioned his name. He’d always just been Bob, the man her traitorous bitch of a mother left Duff for. Because of this man, her mother had hurt her father. It was probably odd that Scout didn’t blame Bob more. How did she know he didn’t seduce her mother? That her mother wasn’t some helpless victim in the face of Bob’s charm and physical appeal?
She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything about their relationship. Only that there was one while Alice had still been married to Duff. Which was wrong. Except now she knew that Alice and Bob had known each other even longer than Scout realized.
“Were you ever married before, Bob?”
To say that his expression was stunned would’ve been an understatement. It might have been the first full sentence he’d ever heard out of Scout.
“I mean before my mother...”
“I know what you mean,” he said slowly. He folded the paper he’d been reading carefully as if he were afraid any sudden movements would send Scout running like a frightened rabbit.
Scout was interested enough in the answer to sit at the table with him, her hands wrapped around her cup of coffee.
“No, I never married before your mother.”
“How come? I mean you’re a decent-looking guy now, so you were probably good-looking back in the day.”
He smiled and when he did she could see that she was right. Bob had blue eyes and dark black hair peppered with silver. He practically wore the map of Ireland on his face. With his face and body he would have been a total babe.
“I’ll take the compliment and say that this is a very strange day. You want the truth? The real story? Because you’re probably not going to like it much.”
Scout shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but she did want the truth.
Her silence was answer enough.
“I never married anyone else because your mother was the love of my life. We were together for two years before I was called up on a particularly dangerous assignment. I thought, stupidly, that it would be easier if we weren’t together. If something happened to me, then she wouldn’t grieve as much. When I got back from my assignment, she was already with your father and had a baby. Finding someone else... I didn’t see much of a point. Then fate brought us back together somehow.”
Immediately Scout’s back went up but Bob reached over to touch her arm.
“Hold on. Hear me out. This is the closest we’ve ever come to a real conversation about this. I know you blame your mother, and your mother alone, for her marriage to your father ending. But you have to know what happened between us wasn’t some kind of sordid affair. We had history, your mother and I. And as much as it hurts you to hear it, she and Duff, they weren’t happy together. She didn’t understand his life and he wouldn’t change it for her.”
It didn’t hurt to hear it as much as Scout thought it would. She’d probably been twelve years old when she had started to put it together that her mom and Duff weren’t exactly a happy couple. When Duff called from the road, he spoke to his daughters first, then he would talk to Alice. When he was home, all his free time was spent with his daughters.
They never kissed in front of her, and they never held hands. They never went out, just the two of them. They only ever fought. About his schedule. His time away.
“You’re a grown woman, Scout. It’s time you stop holding a grudge against your mother and let her back into your life. You need her. Now more than ever.”
She looked at his stern expression and wanted to tell him he had no business advising her on anything. He was nothing to her but the man who had married her mother.
A man who loved his mother so much no other woman had been able to take her place.
“I don’t need anyone. Thanks for the coffee, Bob.”
With that Scout left the kitchen and his advice behind her.
CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_f6164464-1b67-5890-be09-d7532b7ad25d)
SAMANTHA STOOD IN the dining room listening to the exchange between Bob and Scout. She wasn’t certain why she didn’t want to interrupt. Her initial instinct was to step between them as a barrier between Bob and Scout’s spite. Bob didn’t deserve her sister’s disdain. However, for the first time they were actually having a real conversation and Samantha thought she ought to give them their privacy.
Bob knew that Scout was in pain. He knew it because their mother told him and Samantha told him and Lane told him. And though he’d never forged a relationship with Scout, he would still try to do right by her because of his love for Alice.
“I don’t need anyone. Thanks for the coffee, Bob.”
And that sounded like Scout. She came out of the kitchen quickly, so Samantha tried to look as if she hadn’t been eavesdropping, but she clearly failed.
“Lurk much?”
Samantha shook her head and sighed. “When are you going to grow up, Scout? Bob is a good man and he doesn’t need your attitude. That he’s here for you should show you that.”
“Forgot, that’s right. You’re on his side. It’s why we don’t speak, remember? So when are you going back to your big-time agenting life? Living out here in the sticks must be driving you insane.”
Sam winced at the thought of her large, luxurious apartment in Chicago. Which was also very empty. “I’m not going until I know you’re capable of taking care of yourself. Do you know there’s a huge stain of something down the front of that shirt? Did you actually leave the house like that?”
Scout looked down at her shirt and frowned. At least there was some semblance of acknowledgment of her sad state. However, she recovered quickly and flipped Samantha the bird.
“And here I thought you might have stuck your tongue out at me,” Samantha said, rolling her eyes.
Scout, continuing in the same childish vein, brushed by Samantha with a shoulder rub. Samantha had already braced herself for it, a small reminder to her littler sister she was still the oldest.
Samantha joined Bob in the kitchen and helped herself to a cup of coffee, as she already knew it was fresh.
She sat down and looked at her mother’s husband. The man who had come into her life when she was eighteen years old.
“Maybe...we need to tell her.”
He raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “That girl is hanging on by a thread. You want to drop a bomb on her like that?”
“I want her to forgive Mom. I want her to finally see that not everything is as black and white as she thinks it is. If she can get her head around that and maybe let us back into her life, she has a chance of getting through this.”
“You love her,” Bob said, gently patting her hand.
“Of course I love her! I mean she makes me want to shake her more times than not, but I love her. And because I do, I’m worried about her. If you understood how completely her identity was tied to Duff...” Samantha shook her head. “I can’t imagine being cut off so abruptly from who I thought I was.”
“Can’t you?”
Now it was Samantha’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “It’s not the same thing.”
“You never told me how it was here these last few months. With you and Duff.”
“He knew I loved him desperately.” Samantha smiled sadly. “It was all that mattered to him in the end.”
Bob nodded. “Of course it was.”
“Yes,” Samantha said. She thought to say more, but then she didn’t.
Bob was right. It was too soon.
* * *
SCOUT MADE IT to her bedroom and shut the door. It was the only place she ever felt comfortable in her own home anymore. It hadn’t been as bad when it was just Lane staying with her. But Lane and Roy had found a place on the other side of town and Lane had moved out right after the wedding. Which was fine because she’d been close enough to come by every day to take care of Duff with Scout.
Now her mother, Bob and Samantha were here and it didn’t look like any of them had plans to leave anytime soon. As a result Scout was rarely alone unless she was in her room.
No one would dare enter Scout’s lair against her wishes. Everyone knew she needed her sanctuary. A place where she could go to close out the world. Except now her head was filled with all kinds of crazy thoughts. About Duff and her mother and Bob and her mother.
She could easily stop thinking these crazy thoughts, of course, if she started thinking about Jayson.
Scout sat on her bed, stared up at the ceiling and thought about what tomorrow was going to be like. Driving with Jayson, sitting next to him on the bleachers while the two of them watched some kid play. Desperate to impress them.
Just like old times. When they were falling in love.
Scout wasn’t a psychiatrist, but she was pretty sure this trip was not going to be good for her mental health.
She thought about how she’d left him today. Reminding him that she was still upset with him even after four years. Maybe what they really needed was to sit down and have an honest conversation. She could effectively express why she was so upset with him for leaving and he could once again ask her why she hadn’t been willing to go with him.
Seven months. They had been dating for seven months and he wanted her to uproot her life, quit her job and leave her father to follow him to Texas. He told her to take a risk. A risk on them.
Didn’t he know she’d already taken the biggest risk of her life on him? Didn’t he know what it took for her to ask him to go the wedding? To spend the night with him. To slowly and eventually give him her heart.
At the time it felt as if it was all she was capable of. He should have known that. He should have known her. He should have stayed.
“Tomorrow is going to blow,” she said to her empty room. Then she made a mental note to actually look in the mirror before she left for work.
* * *
THEY HAD AGREED to meet at nine in the morning but they hadn’t said where. So it wasn’t exactly surprising when Scout came downstairs to find Jayson sitting at the kitchen table with Samantha, drinking a cup of coffee and eating a bagel Samantha had probably made for him.
Toasting was the only culinary skill Sam had so she liked to show it off whenever she could.
“I was going to text you to just meet me at the stadium,” Scout mumbled. She hated how comfortable he looked sitting at her table. Eating her food. She hated how it reminded her how common it was for him to be around the house back when they were dating.
Which was sort of strange now that she thought about it. He had had his own place, a nice apartment over one of the clothing stores on Main Street. They had been young and in love and having sex all the time, which, considering she lived with her father, should have meant she was always at his place.
But she rarely stayed there. Sometimes when Duff was away on a road trip. Every once in a while Jayson used to grumble about it, but because he never seemed to mind hanging around her house she never changed her behavior.
There was also the Duff factor. Jayson loved her father. Anytime they got together it was like watching a kid meet Santa Claus for the first time. Because Duff had also taken on the role as Jayson’s mentor, there was never a lull in their conversation. Jayson wanted to absorb all of Duff’s baseball knowledge. All of hers, as well.
So it made sense that when they hung out, they hung out at her house, where Duff might or might not be, instead of at his apartment alone. Didn’t it?
“I didn’t want you to change your mind and leave without me.”
“I wouldn’t have done that.” Scout grumbled some more, but if she was being honest that was exactly what she’d been thinking when she woke up. Just get in her car and go without him. What would he do? Follow her? Mostly likely not.
“Besides, free bagel and coffee. Best deal I’m going to get today.”
“I toasted,” Samantha proclaimed.
Scout just shook her head and poured a cup of coffee. Then she added as much sugar to it as she could and still call it coffee with sugar, rather than sugar with coffee.
“That’s too much sugar,” Alice said as she walked into the kitchen. She was dressed in a long satin blue robe, but somehow still made it look elegant.
“Great. The gang’s all here,” Scout muttered.
“You shouldn’t put that much sugar in your coffee. It’s not good for you.”
It was an old refrain from her mother, who was always harping at her daughters to eat better. Scout couldn’t count how many times they would argue over it.
“Don’t put too much sugar on your cereal, Scout. It will rot your teeth.”
“Duff always lets me put as much as I want.”
“Well, he’s not here. I am.”
He wasn’t here. She was.
Scout added another spoonful of the sweet granules to her coffee just out of spite. And she smiled as she took a sip even though she had to acknowledge she had crossed the coffee-with-sugar barrier.
“You can continue to be as difficult as you want to be. But I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. Good morning, Jayson.”
“Ma’am,” he said, nodding his head.
Alice sat and addressed Jayson. “I understand my daughter is going back to work today.”
“She is.”
“You’ll watch over her.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake!” Scout shouted, slamming her mug on the counter. “I’m not an invalid, people. I’m grieving. It sucks but I’m moving on. It’s bad enough Jayson has to babysit me. I don’t need you trying to go all ‘caring mom’ on me.”
At that point Bob also joined them. He was freshly showered and dressed and he kissed his wife on the cheek before looking at Scout.
“She is a caring mom. You should try letting her be that with you sometime. You might like it.”
“Pretty doubtful, Bob,” Scout said, turning her back on both of them. “Are you ready? I need to go.”
Jayson picked up the remainder of his bagel and brought his cup over to the sink. “Thanks for breakfast, Sam. Ma’am, Bob.”
Scout didn’t bother with saying goodbye or letting them know when she planned to be back. It wasn’t as if they were going to sit around and have some kind of family dinner. Scout still could barely handle food. It hadn’t been an issue when her day consisted of lying in her bed and crying. Not a whole lot of calories burned that way.
However, today she was actually going to work. She was going to sit outside in the fresh air and breathe it in. Maybe that would help her appetite. Maybe she was even ready to put her brain toward something that wasn’t thinking about how her life was over without Duff.
With that they left the kitchen and walked down the driveway to her car, except she stopped and Jayson kept walking.
To his car.
It was a nice car. A BMW 3 Series he’d bought when he’d signed his first major contract. It was red and slick and had been the love of his life until he’d met her.
“You don’t seriously think I’m letting you drive?” he asked.
“You never had a problem letting me drive before.”
“Scout, you’ve been a zombie for two weeks. I can’t trust you to keep your attention on the road. We’ve got a good four-hour drive ahead of us.”
He was right. She’d driven to the grocery store and had almost caused an accident when her mind had started to wander. She walked to him and thought about how it was going to feel getting into his car again. If it was going to smell like him and leather and mint because Jayson was a mint gum fanatic.
“I think I might have hit my head,” she said as a way to distract herself. Yes, just the feeling of sliding into the passenger seat brought back the memory of every time they had gone out. Including that first time, to Pete and Jocelyn’s wedding. She’d been excited that night. So filled with anticipation it had practically lifted her off the ground.
“Huh?”
“I’ve been fuzzy with things lately and I think at some point I fell and hit my head. You know, when...he died.”
Jayson looked at her. “You don’t remember if you fell?”
“I know, right? That’s why I think I hit my head. My memory is like totally blank from that day.”
He was looking at her funny. As if he knew something she didn’t. Then he just shook his head. “I think you would know if you hit your head. You would have a bump.”
True. She’d actually felt around for one, but there was nothing. “It’s just that I sort of remember falling. When it happened. But you’re right, I would have a bump. Do you know where we’re going?”
He took out his phone and placed it in the console section of the car. “Yeah, I put the address into the phone.”
Scouting made easy through technology. Just plug in an address and let the GPS plot a route. Scout wondered how the old guys used to track down high schools all over the country.
Jayson looked over at her before he started the car. His smile was faintly nostalgic, and she knew he could feel it, too. The past was reaching out to grab them both and remind them what they used to be once upon a time.
“Just drive,” she said. “And no talking. It’s the only way I’m going to get through this.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
With that she turned on the radio to a sports talk station and for hours they listened while grown men called in to fight with the hosts about anything and everything related to sports.
When they reached the first stop, they parked and found the baseball diamond. “Who are we here for?” Jayson asked as they took their seats in the bleachers.
They had made it with plenty of time to spare, even after stopping for lunch along the way. The game was to start immediately after the school day ended at three. Right now they could see some of the players take batting practice on the field.
“Ronny Wells. He’s seventeen and apparently has the stuff. Greg emailed me a profile of him when I let him know I was coming back to work. It seems the kid’s not sure if he wants to go into the draft or go to college. Greg wants me to determine if I think he’s ready for the minors.”
“That’s good,” Jayson said.
“What’s good?” Scout asked him.
Jayson shook his head. “Nothing, just that it’s good Greg is trusting you with this assignment.”
“Uh, duh, it’s sort of my job.”
“Right.” Jayson smiled.
They watched the team gather around a man in the middle of the field. Scout assumed it was the team’s coach. There was some laughing and guffawing and then finally the man emerged from the pile of teenagers.
“Fine, but I’m only doing this to humor you all,” they heard the coach say with a smile.
Curious what his team was asking him to do, Scout watched while the man picked up a bat and then got into the batter’s box. The catcher didn’t bother to set up behind him. The kids then circled the mechanical pitcher.
“How fast do you want it, coach?”
It was obvious the team had done this before. Obvious the coach knew what they wanted him to say.
“Bring the heat,” he told them.
“Ninety-five!”
“Ninety-five,” Jayson muttered.
“Yeah, wow. That’s as fast as that machine will throw. That guy doesn’t have a shot.”
The first ball out of the machine got knocked over the fence in the outfield. And so did the one after that. And the one after that. And the one after that.
“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Jayson asked her.
Scout was seeing it. She was hearing it, too. Pure contact, hit after hit. The man had a flawless swing. “How old do you think he is?”
“Maybe a few years younger than us. Maybe not.”
Eventually the coach’s hitting display was over and the other team arrived. Scout took her notebook out and started doing her job on the kid. He was definitely a solid prospect, but she didn’t think he warranted a high enough draft position to sway him from going to college.
Given his evident frustration at the loss of the game, which resulted in him knocking over the Gatorade cooler, Scout thought college might help a kid like this mature. Baseball wasn’t always just about physical abilities. A lot of it had to do with what was between the ears. Especially when it came to pitchers.
They descended the bleachers and made their way over to the dugout. The coach came out to greet them.
“Here to see Ronny?” he asked.
“How did you guess?” Scout said.
“It’s a small town. I know all the parents. When I spot strangers, I assume they’re from the MLBSB.”
The scouting bureau was a secondary source of scouting information a lot of the clubs used. Sometimes it was hard for one team of scouts to cover the country. The bureau hired scouts simply to track players and log data for any team to access.
“We’re from the Rebels,” Scout said, not bothering to mention that Jayson was really just along for the ride. Not to mention that sometimes when the coaches or fathers realized she was the scout, and obviously a woman, they immediately discounted her. It never bothered her, considering the coach or father wasn’t the one she was coming to see.
“He’s definitely got stuff,” the coach said.
“He does.” Scout agreed but didn’t go into too much detail. It was her opinion that a coach would always try to sell their kid hard, regardless of what they truly thought.
“So we were watching you hit before. That machine really throw ninety-five?”
The man smiled and it made Scout think he was even younger than she guessed. “It does. I can hit a mean fastball.”
“Ever play pro ball?”
“Nope. I was a football player in college. Just not big enough to make it in the pros as a tight end, so I fell back on what I went to school for, which was teaching. The school needed a baseball coach, so I learned everything I could about the game and here I am. Never knew I could hit a serious fastball until I started taking batting practice.”
He laughed through this story as if it was a joke. Some oddball discovery of a talent he never knew he had. What Scout heard, however, was that the guy was a football player who had had pro-level athleticism. It wouldn’t be the weirdest baseball discovery story she’d ever heard.
“How old are you?” Scout asked bluntly.
He squinted at her.
“Twenty-seven,” he said finally. “Why?”
Scout looked at Jayson. She probably shouldn’t have. This was her call, her job. But when they had been working together she and Jayson had always seemed to share a brain. He always knew where she was going, so it wasn’t as if she ever had to explain herself. Then he could provide his feedback without her having to ask.
Four years hadn’t changed anything. “It’s insane,” he told her.
Scout agreed. But why not?
“What’s your name?”
“Evan Tanner. And you are looking at me really weird right now.”
Scout smiled. “Evan, what would you think about coming to a weeklong baseball camp we’re hosting and trying out for the New England Rebels?”
“I would think what he said is right. That it’s insane.”
“Insane.” Scout nodded, feeling some odd sense of purpose. “Well, that’s sort of how I roll now. So give it a shot anyway.”
Scout put out her hand and after a second, as if he was still processing what he’d just been told, Evan Tanner shook it with a definitive yes.
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_869fdd10-992c-5700-9b0f-13c79a556f9d)
“YOU’RE REALLY CONSIDERING HIM,” Jayson said as he quickly glanced at Scout before turning his eyes back to the road. They were still about an hour away from Minotaur Falls and the ban on talking didn’t seem so much like a purposeful thing this time but a result of Scout being lost in thought. The look on her face told Jayson she was still thinking about Evan and his sweet swing.
“You mean Evan? Hell, yes. It’s a tryout camp. What’s the worst that can happen?”
Jayson shrugged. “Yeah, but isn’t it kind of getting the guy’s hopes up? Bringing him to a tryout. He won’t make it through the first day.”
“I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit. You saw that swing, heard that contact, same as I did.”
Jayson snorted. “Scout, we’re talking about a twenty-seven-year-old former football player. I don’t care if he hits it out of the park every time and makes it through all five days of camp. Are you seriously going to recommend him to the New England Rebels as a prospect for the draft?”
He could feel her eyes on him. He didn’t need to look at her to know she was glaring at him. The glare was basically Scout’s go-to look. It would be a huge improvement from the blank expression she’d been wearing for months.
There were times during Duff’s illness he wondered if he would ever see anything in those green eyes again, or if they would remain lifeless forever...like Duff.
Saw some life in her today. Knew baseball would save her. Knew you would, too.
Jayson shook the voice out of his head. That was not Duff. Duff was not talking to him. Duff was dead. Jayson was just imagining what Duff might have said if he had seen Scout today.
Although Jayson had thought the same thing. The way her body tightened when she watched Evan swing. The way it seemed every sense was turned on. Damn, it had hurt. He remembered what it felt like to sit next to Scout while she broke down fundamentals unlike any other baseball scout Jayson had ever known.
The memories sucked. Because the memories always reminded him of what it had felt like to be in love. To be in love with Scout, who loved him, too.
It had been maddening and exhilarating. It had been soul crushing and to this day still the most important thing he’d ever experienced. Even though buying his mom her first real home had been huge, it hadn’t been life changing for him.
Scout had been life changing. From the start he knew they weren’t just some couple. He knew they weren’t just two young people having some fun.
No, they were the real deal. He knew it because, four years later, she wouldn’t let them have a conversation in the car for fear it would bring all the old memories up again.
He knew it because he thought that was a good idea, too. As much as he was committed to honoring his promise to Duff, he was not going back there with her. The fun and the love, the passion and the sex, the madness and everything that he felt for her. The importance of those feelings was now tainted by pain.
That crushing pain had sat on his chest for months after leaving her. Eventually it mellowed out to a dullness that he knew would never really go away.
“What is with the snorting?” Scout grilled him. “You know I hate the snorting.”
He’d always snorted any time she said something he didn’t believe or agree with.
“I’m sorry, but I know you. Taking a risk on a guy like Evan? That is not going to happen. You and I both know it. So I guess I’m feeling bad for him. The reality is this guy is going to come to camp, we’ll send him up against some Triple A pitching talent and he won’t be able to hit dick, pardon my French. But even if he does, it would take a major sell to get anyone to consider him at his age and with his lack of baseball experience. I just don’t see you doing that.”
There was silence as Jayson changed lanes, passed a car, then changed back.
He shot her another glance. Yep...more glaring.
“Look, what do I know?” Scout asked him.
It was an old exchange they used to share. Which meant more memories. Damn.
“You know baseball.”
“I know baseball,” she repeated. “I’m telling you, I know what a natural swing looks like and that guy has it. If he’d been the golf coach instead of the baseball coach, he might be trying to qualify for the US Open, who knows. But if someone comes to me as a natural-born athlete with a sweet swing and who I think can be an asset to the team, I’m willing to make the hard sell.”
“You never make the hard sell,” Jayson said. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. What he’d said would piss her off and he really hadn’t wanted to do that. Today had been a good day. She’d gone outside. She’d worn clothes that weren’t stained. He’d watched her eat three bites of a hamburger and seven French fries.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Scout, I worked by your side for over a year. You play the numbers. You go with the odds. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s the smart thing to do in baseball. It’s why the Rebels have you, one of only two female scouts in all of baseball, on their payroll. But don’t try to convince me that you might actually take a risk on this guy.”
He heard the huff and felt the flounce of her body as she shifted in her seat. She’d always been this crackle of energy and every time she moved it was as if she ruffled the air around her so he could feel the ripples of it on his skin.
“You say that like I never have. Taken a risk.”
He felt a sharp pain in his chest and might have been afraid he was having a heart attack except he was intimately familiar with the feeling and knew better.
Heartbreak.
“Have you?” His tone was sharper than it should have been, but it was a particularly sore subject for him. “In these past four years since I’ve been gone, have you? Because I sure as heck know you didn’t take them before.”
“Really? Are we seriously going to have this fight again?”
Jayson didn’t want to fight. Fighting her was not what he was supposed to be doing. He was here to support her, pull her out of the hole she was in, get her back on her feet.
Fix her because she’s broken.
That, too. He found himself angry all over again. He remembered the anger. It had lived side by side with the heartbreak. Now he was realizing, like the pain, it too had dulled to an ache. But it had never really gone away.
“You know,” he said slowly, carefully, as if this next sentence might be the most important of his life. “I don’t think we ever had that fight. I remember the words. I remember asking you to go with me and you saying no. I remember asking why. I remember knowing why, so I stopped asking when you stopped giving me answers. I remember goodbye. You know what I don’t remember? I don’t remember the fight.”
* * *
“HAVE YOU LOST your mind?” Scout asked him.
Jayson had pulled over to a gas station in the middle of nowhere. He’d stopped the car and gotten out as if to suggest they weren’t going anywhere until they had it out.
Now Scout was out of the car and looking at him as if he had lost his mind.
Maybe he had, but after checking his anger while Duff was dying he suddenly found he couldn’t hold it in anymore. No doubt Scout wasn’t ready for this showdown, but it was hard to know if she ever would be. And they needed this.
“I loved you,” he snapped. “You knew that. But you wouldn’t take the smallest chance on us. Not the smallest chance and come to Texas with me. I mean, seriously, what was the worst that could happen? If it didn’t work out between us, you could have always come back home.”
Scout looked stricken. So much so that Jayson considered taking it back and telling her to forget it. She wasn’t ready for this confrontation. He knew that now, but he just wanted her to admit that their breakup had been her fault and not his.
“You were the one who left me!”
The shrill sound of her voice hurt his ears. Jayson imagined if there were any dogs within earshot they would be howling.
“If you loved me,” she continued, “really loved me, you never would have done that!”
“It was a managing job. This is baseball. You know that’s how this business works. You have to go where the openings are. What was I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for something to open up in Minotaur Falls?”
“You’re here now,” she grumbled.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t be back as the team’s manager. With a chance to make an impression on the Rebels’ GM. You know where I’m going, right?”
Scout nodded tightly with her arms crossed over her middle.
“And you, more than any other person, know what it means for me to get back there. One day. I had one damn day and it wasn’t enough. Every decision I made, everything I learned was all about giving me one more shot. You knew that. Tell me you knew that.”
“Okay. I knew it. I knew how important it was to you, although you really never gave yourself credit for getting to the majors the first time.”
Jayson didn’t want to think about that. “You knew why I had to leave and take that job. It was either that or effectively give up my career. Is that what you wanted? For me to give up baseball?”
She shook her head, again tightly as if these answers were hard to give.
“Now tell me why you wouldn’t come with me. I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me. Was that the truth?”
“Yes,” she said softly. So softly he almost didn’t hear her, but he did and it hurt him all over again to hear it.
“You couldn’t take a chance on us, though. You couldn’t have just a little bit of faith in me.”
Scout opened her mouth as if to argue, but this time he shook his head.
“I used to blame Duff. I told him he must have messed with your head to make you think you could never leave his side. But it wasn’t him, was it? You were just too scared to change your life.”
“You were asking me to change everything!” Scout screeched. “We had been dating for seven months. It was the first time I’d been in love and everything was already changing and then you wanted me to pick up everything and move with you. What about my career? My future? My family? None of that mattered to you. You never once considered staying for me, but you were mad at me for not jumping up and following your command. How is that fair?”
Maybe it wasn’t. Jayson felt deflated. He hadn’t convinced her four years ago and he wasn’t going to convince her now that she was wrong. He’d wanted Scout to prove to him he was more important than anyone else in her life.
Now she never could.
“We should go,” he said. “It’s getting late.”
“What do you want from me?” Scout shouted at him. He could see the tears welling in her eyes and knew he’d torn something open in her. Their wounds clearly hadn’t fully healed.
“What do you want me to say?” she continued to shout. “That I made a mistake. That I regretted my decision every day. That even after four years I still think about you and wonder what if?”
She advanced on him, her eyes still red with tears, but there was anger there, too. “Because if I did that, if I made that admission, then I would have to wonder what if I had followed you four years ago. And that would have meant that I wouldn’t have had these last four years with my father. Because that was all the time he had left. So, no, I’m not going to admit that.”
“Scout, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You do nothing but hurt me!” she howled.
The blow was more devastating than anything he’d ever felt before. It hurt more than running into a brick wall or finding out he would never play baseball again.
The only woman he’d ever loved and he did nothing but hurt her.
I should go. The thought came to him immediately. They couldn’t easily stay in the same space without causing each other pain. It only made sense for him to leave.
Never thought you were a quitter.
There it was again, hearing Duff in his head. And of course he would say the one thing that would annoy Jayson enough to not leave.
“Come on,” he said, offering his hand. “We need to get on the road.”
They both got in the car, silence now sitting heavy between them.
“Well, that was worth it,” Scout muttered.
He knew she’d said it facetiously, but he didn’t agree. Those were things they had needed to say to each other. Now it was done, and the bottom line was he was either going to have to let her go and move on with this life...
Or he was going to have to find a way to stop hurting her.
Five years ago...
DAMN, HE WAS NOT going to be able to take this slow. Scout was in his arms and the need to bury himself inside her was like nothing he’d ever felt before. Jayson knew what sex was—he’d had plenty of sex—but this felt different.
This was the first time he’d waited for something he wanted. And the wait had nearly killed him.
The moment he’d laid eyes on Scout, Jayson knew he wanted her. Something about her edginess turned him on. But he’d also sensed a vulnerability about her that was equally intriguing. The one thing he knew for certain was that he was going to have to move slowly with her.
Instinctively, he knew if he asked her out that first week he would have scared her off. So instead he let their friendship develop naturally. Which made things even harder because not only did he want to screw her brains out, but also the more they hung out together the more he liked her.
Jayson couldn’t remember the last time he’d liked someone so much.
Which was why when she finally worked up the nerve to ask him out, he knew all that waiting had paid off. She was coming to him. Like a rabbit he was luring out of its lair with a little bit of sweet lettuce.
Now they were in his hotel room, and her tongue was in his mouth and he was thinking with what little brainpower he had left that he was not going to be able to drag this out.
Next time, he told himself.
Next time he would nibble and lick and suck. He would tease and torment and make her come a million times before he slid inside her.
This time he just needed to get inside her.
“Scout, I need you, baby.”
She pulled away and was looking at him a little bit confused, which he thought was nice. His kiss had made her fuzzy.
“Huh?”
He ran his hand down her back until he was cupping her ass and pulling her against his aching erection. “Are you ready for me?”
He felt her still and maybe that should have been his first clue, but he was too busy stroking his cock between her legs, which was making him crazy and her whimper.
“Turn around,” he told her and she obeyed. He grabbed hold of the zipper of her dress and pulled it down her body, loving the skin that was revealed as the fabric fell away from her body. He loved it more when he passed the part of her back where her bra strap should have been and it wasn’t there. So much so that he pressed a kiss in the center of her back, making her whimper again.
For a second they got into a tug-of-war over the straps of her dress. Scout didn’t seem to want to let them go, but Jayson wasn’t going to be able to see her naked if she didn’t. And Jayson really wanted to see her naked.
“Scout?” he asked, wondering if there was a problem.
Then she let her arms down and the dress fell away from her body. He helped her step out of it and then he pulled on her arm to turn her around. Except when she did, she had her arms crossed over her breasts.
“Shy?” Jayson asked, smiling at her. Her hair was long down her back. Her bare body, all flat angles, made him even harder and he didn’t know that was possible. Then there were her sexy panties that she no doubt wore just in case Jayson managed to get her out of her dress.
“You are so beautiful. Let me see all of you.”
Again he had to tug, this time to get her arms off her body. As soon as he succeeded she ducked her head, which again might have been a clue if he hadn’t been so hyperfocused on her perky round breasts and her tight nipples.
“I’m going to suck those nipples so hard I’m going to make you scream. Next time. But right now I can’t wait.”
Thinking she was on the same page, he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the king-sized bed. He dropped her so that she was flat on her back and as soon as he did she covered her breasts again, which made him sad. He was going to have to break her of that habit.
Next time.
Jayson shucked off his coat and toed out of his shoes. He really didn’t want to take the time to remove his tie and unbutton his shirt but this wasn’t going to be a one-time thing. This wasn’t just about sex, either. This was the start of their relationship. He needed to treat it with some respect.
So he did take off his tie and he did unbutton his shirt, but he did it quickly.
Then he was pulling down his pants and as soon as he stood before her he heard a slight squeak. He fished out a condom from his wallet and then kicked his clothes away.
Without thinking about what that squeak meant he crawled on the bed in between her legs. He had to use some pressure to get her to spread them. He kept his weight on his arms, but he let his dick settle on her flat stomach to enjoy the feel of her smooth skin against him.
She squeaked again and he took that as a measure of excitement. He kissed her and was a little worried when she didn’t immediately open her mouth to him. But just as the thought came to him that she felt a little stiff underneath him, she was kissing him back with all the passion he felt for her.
Her hands were on his lower back, her body was arching up to press herself against him. She was ready and he was done waiting.
He got on his knees between her legs and pulled her panties down with a little awkwardness as she was twisting one way, while he was pulling the other. But finally she was naked with him and then he was getting himself into position, using his teeth to open the condom and then rolling it in place. He lifted her so that her ass was on his thighs and he would be able to slide deep and hard in one solid stroke.
“I’m sorry, honey.” He could hear how rough his voice was but the urgency to thrust inside her was nearly overwhelming. “This might be a little rough and quick, but I promise I’ll get you there.”
He knew he was losing it because he could hear the Louisiana in his voice and that only happened when he was really drunk or really desperate.
“Jayson, I think...”
But he was done waiting. He put his cock against her opening and started to push. He felt her wetness, knew she was aroused, but he hadn’t expected her to be so tight.
“Scout...”
It was like her body was pushing back against him. It was maddening.
“Honey, you’ve got to open for me a little...”
“I’m trying.”
Trying? What the hell did that mean, but before he could think about it, he had the head of his erection inside her and he was pushing again. Then he heard her cry out and it froze him solid.
“Scout.”
“It burns,” she said with her arm over her eyes.
Instantly, he slid out of her. Then he looked down on her face and saw she was in agony.
“No, don’t stop. You can’t stop! You have to finish it.”
She was reaching for his hips and sliding her butt up his legs as if she might try to impale herself on him. He caught her body and turned her on her side so that they were facing each other.
“Please, don’t stop,” she cried.
Tears. Actual tears. He was the worst lover ever. Obviously he’d gone too fast for her. He thought she’d been with him. She was obviously not even close to being ready.
“Scout, it’s okay,” he said even though the ache in his balls was extreme. “I’ll slow down. Get you more ready.”
“I am ready.” She sobbed. “Please, just do it. There’s nothing you can do that won’t hurt.”
Oh, hell. Did she have some kind of physical condition? Something that prevented her from enjoying sex?
“Scout, honey, you need to talk to me. Is there some kind of problem I need to know about?”
“Yes, I have a problem. And you need to fix it,” she said urgently. She hooked her leg over his hip and dropped her hand down to his cock.
He caught her hand and stopped her wiggling it. “Scout, I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t do it.”
“But you have to. It’s the only way.”
Huh? Nothing she was saying was making sense and she was getting more and more upset. What was supposed to be a night of hot, intense sex was turning ugly quickly.
“Please, I just want it done.”
Not something any guy ever wanted to hear when it came to sex. Jayson rolled on his back as he tried figure out what was happening.
But as soon as he did, Scout was climbing on top of him.
“Scout, wait...”
“No, I’m done waiting. It’s okay.” She reached for him again and placed his erection at her core. Then she pushed herself forcibly over him, whimpering the entire time.
“Scout, stop it! You’re hurting yourself!”
But she didn’t stop. Not until he was fully inside her. It was a horrible moment to both see her pain and feel his pleasure. But she was squeezing him like a vice and his cock was an unfeeling bastard.
“There,” she huffed out, lying on top of him. “It’s done.”
Done? Nothing was done. He was still hard, and she clearly was nowhere close to having an orgasm.
“What’s done?” he grated out.
“I’m not a virgin anymore. You can finish now. I’m sure it will be better next time.”
A virgin.
Of course. And with that sentence she wiggled on top of him and it was enough to make him come furiously inside her. Without one real stroke.
Without a doubt the worst sex of his life. All he’d done was hurt her.
CHAPTER FIVE (#ulink_0aef538a-e9d3-5a13-a98f-f5c23938d87a)
“SCOUT, HOLD UP,” Jayson called to her as he pulled up to the house.
She was done listening to him. She had had the passenger door open as soon as the car had come to a stop and now she was practically running up the driveway.
“Scout, you’re going to have to talk to me eventually! Stop behaving like a child and turn around.”
That got her to stop and offer him a succinct nonverbal response.
“Yeah, that’s mature,” he sneered.
“I’m done fighting,” she said. “Go home and give me some space.”
“Fine, you take your space but I’m not going anywhere. Okay? Tell me you know that.”
She shook her head. He’d pulled over the car to yell at her for not taking a chance on him and now he wanted her to know he wasn’t going anywhere. As if to say that if she did need him he would be here for her.
Because he still cared.
I loved you...
She couldn’t say how much the past tense of that phrase destroyed her. All she wanted to do was run home, lock herself in her room, put the covers over her head and stay there. Forever.
She’d been wrong to think she was strong enough to reenter the world. Wrong to think she could spend the day with Jayson without getting her heart split open.
“Tell me, Scout. So I know you believe it.”
She looked at him then, really looked at him, and saw how earnest he was. It was one of his most endearing qualities.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she repeated.
He nodded and she could tell he wanted to say more but it was as if he’d decided he’d said enough for a day.
“I’ll see you around.”
“I guess,” Scout conceded. Recognizing that this was her life now. There was no Duff, but there was Jayson potentially around every corner.
Her room, her bed, her blanket beckoned.
She turned away from him and walked inside only to find her mother at the kitchen counter chopping carrots and Bob sitting at the table, seemingly content to spend time with his wife while she cooked. They were smiling as if their conversation had been amusing to both of them. It reminded Scout how much her mother and Bob actually liked each other. Beyond the love, they were best friends.
A real, loving relationship. A shame it had to come at the expense of Duff.
An unforgivable sin in Scout’s eyes. It didn’t seem right that Scout should have to suffer this on top of everything else. Losing Duff, having to deal with Jayson, living with her traitorous mother. None of it was fair.
“I want you two to leave.” Scout looked at both of them to show them she meant it.
Alice and Bob exchanged a glance, communicating silently, once again showing how in sync they were.
“We’ve talked about this, Scout,” Alice said carefully. “I’m not leaving until I think you’re ready.”
“Can’t you for five seconds think that maybe your being here is making it worse? I mean, what am I supposed to do, just watch you and Bob living happily right in front of me? You want to show me up close how Duff was a horrible husband and Bob is the shit? Maybe I’ll start to see things your way. Is that what you were thinking? That Bob and I will be buds and I’ll forget Duff ever lived?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. What happened this afternoon? Did Jayson do something to upset you?”
“Yes! It seems he won’t leave me alone, either. For my own good, of course.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Alice asked, putting down the knife and wiping her hands with a dishtowel.
“With you? No! Haven’t you been listening? All I want is for you to leave me alone.”
“That’s not going to happen. Some day you’ll be a mother and you’ll understand.”
“No, I won’t. Because I am never doing this love thing again. So I will never be a mother. You can bank on that.”
And then it hit her. She was never going to have Jayson’s baby. They were never going to teach their kids how to play baseball. Because she was never going to take that risk.
Feeling the tears coming, Scout abandoned her quest to get her mother to leave and instead headed for the safety of her bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind her, she sank to the floor and let the tears come. Tears for Duff, tears for Jayson, tears for the kids she was never going to have because the pain of loving people was just too much.
“Elizabeth?”
“Go away,” Scout said to her mother, who had followed her up to her room. There was no way in hell she was getting inside, though. Back when Scout lived with her mother after the divorce this was their most common method of communication. With a door in between them.
“Honey, I know you’re hurting. I know you think the world is against you right now. But I know how smart you are. So I know you’re going to eventually realize there is a reason Samantha and I aren’t leaving you. There is a reason Jayson wants you to know he’s here for you, too.”
To hurt me. That’s all they wanted to do. But she was safe in her room now and no one could hurt her as long as she didn’t leave.
“Go away.”
“I will for now. For now. We’re having pea soup for dinner. I know it’s your favorite. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”
Then there was silence and Scout knew Alice had left. Finally, thankfully, she was alone. Which was all she wanted. Why didn’t they understand that?
Instead no one was leaving and she and Jayson were rehashing old news at a gas station. Why did Jayson have to do that? Why did he have to bring all the pain and misery back? He’d left her. Not the other way around. It wasn’t right of him to blame her.
Was it?
She’d heard the pain in his voice when he’d said that she hadn’t been willing to take a chance on them. She knew him well enough to know that what he’d really meant was that she wasn’t willing to take a chance on him.
Jayson’s father had left him and his mother when Jayson was nine, and it had left its mark, like any father leaving would. It made Jayson feel as if he wasn’t good enough for or worthy of his father’s love. It’s what drove him to succeed in baseball. It’s what pushed him all the way through the minors until he was finally called up to The Show.
He never said it, and she never asked, but Scout always believed that his drive to get to the majors had everything to do with hoping his father might see him there. Might see his kid on TV and regret leaving him.
She wondered if that was what still drove him now.
All she knew was that back when they were together, Scout had wanted to show him he was the worthiest of all men.
There were times she’d wondered if that was why he’d asked her to leave in the first place. Had he wanted to put that choice in front of her so that she would choose him? Show him he was good enough. To prove that everything she had told him was true.
Thinking back on it, they had never once talked about trying a long-distance relationship. They could have made an effort. Long calls, long visits. It wasn’t as if a baseball manager wasn’t on the road a lot during the season anyway. They could have eased into the idea of her moving in with him.

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