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The Secret in His Heart
Caroline Anderson
He had promised to look after hernow he wants so much more."Promise me you'll take care of her." Simple as that. Except for Dr. James Slater, fulfilling his vow to look after his best friend's wife after he died in Afghanistan has never been simple. Especially now that lovely, vital Connie has asked him to help her have a baby. He can't just father her child and then walk awayhe wants and loves her too much for that. Only, how can he even begin to tell her?
Praise for Caroline Anderson:
From one of category romances most accomplished voices comes a beautifully told, intensely emotional and wonderfully uplifting tale of second chances, new beginnings, hope, triumph and everlasting love. Caroline Andersons WEDDING OF THE YEAR is an engrossing, enthralling and highly enjoyable tale that will move you to tears and keep you riveted from the first page until the very last sentence. Moving, heartbreaking and absolutely fantastic, with WEDDING OF THE YEAR Caroline Anderson is at her mesmerising best!
www.cataromance.com on ST PIRANS: WEDDING OF THE YEAR
Photojournalist Maisie Douglas and businessman Robert Mackenzie have been more or less amicably divorced for almost two decades, but the upcoming marriage of their daughter, Jenni, stirs up old emotions on both sides. Very young when she married him, Maisiepregnant and disowned by her familywas miserable living in Scotland with Robs judgmental parents, and left after little more than a year. Maisie hasnt found another partner and neither has Rob. Can they find a way to trust each other again, after all this time? This lovely reunion romance is rich with emotion and humour, and all of the characters are exquisitely rendered.
RT Book Reviews on MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
Dear Reader,
Writing can be an accidental process. The book that preceded this one, From Christmas to Eternity, had a clinical lead called James. That was all I knew about him, until I wrote the words, Why not just take the time and enjoy your family? God knows youre lucky enough to have one. And just like that, James became a person. A widower with a tragic past and no future other than work. Enter Connie, widow of his best friend, ex-colleagueand an attraction hes spent years denying. But Connie has a problem, and James could help her solve it, if he could defeat his own demons.
Now, youd think thatd be enough complication, but, no, I gave them a dog. Not just any dog. I was fascinated when I first learned that Penn Farthing, an ex-serviceman, had adopted starving, feral dogs in Helmand and set up a charity to rescue them, so of course when Connies husband and James friend Joe was killed in Afghanistan, the dog hed planned to rescue had to come homethe last thing she could do for him. And where Connie goes, Saffy has to go, too, causing havoc and ultimately bringing Connie and James together.
You can find more about the work of Penn Farthing at www.nowzad.com, and to find out how Saffy helps James and Connie find the love they both deserve, read on !
Caroline x
About the Author
CAROLINE ANDERSON has the mind of a butterfly. Shes been a nurse, a secretary, a teacher, run her own soft furnishing business, and now shes settled on writing. She says, I was looking for that elusive something. I finally realised it was variety, and now I have it in abundance. Every book brings new horizons and new friends, and in between books I have learned to be a juggler. My teacher husband John and I have two beautiful and talented daughters, Sarah and Hannah, umpteen pets, and several acres of Suffolk that nature tries to reclaim every time we turn our backs! Caroline also writes for the Mills & Boon
Cherish series.
The Secret
in His Heart
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
CHAPTER ONE
SILENCE.
No bleeps, no clipped instructions or clattering instruments, no hasty footsteps. Just a blissful, short-lived hush.
James stretched out his shoulders and felt the tension drain away. The relief was incredible. He savoured it for a moment before breaking the silence.
Great teamwork, guys. Thank you. You did a good job.
Someone chuckled. Would you accept anything less?
He grinned. Fair cop, but it worked. Their critically injured patient was stabilised and on her way to Theatre, and for what seemed like the first time that day the red phone was quiet. Time to grab a break.
He glanced up at the clock. Ten to four? No wonder he was feeling light-headed. And his phone was jiggling again in his pocket.
Right, this time Im really going for lunch, he said drily. Anything less than a MAJAX, youre on your own.
There was a ripple of laughter as he tore off the thin plastic apron, dropped it in the bin with his gloves and walked out of Resus, leaving the rest of the team to clear up the chaos and restock ready for the next emergency. One of the perks of being clinical lead, he thought wryly as the door dropped shut behind him. God knows there were few enough.
He took the shortcut to the coffee shop, bought a coffee and a soft wholegrain roll stuffed with ham and salad, added a chocolate bar to boost his blood sugar and headed outside, drawing the fresh summer air deep into his lungs.
One of the best things about Yoxburgh Park Hospital was its setting. Behind the elaborate facade of the old Victorian building a modern general hospital had been created, providing the community not only with much needed medical facilities, but also a beautiful recreational area. It was green and quiet and peaceful, and he took his breaks out here whenever he could.
Not nearly often enough.
He found an empty bench under the trees and settled down to eat his lunch, pulling his phone out simultaneously to check for messages. It had jiggled in his pocket more than once in the last hour, but there were no messages, just two missed calls.
From Connie?
He frowned slightly. He hadnt heard from her in ages, and now two missed calls in the space of an hour? He felt his heart rate pick up and he called her back, drumming his fingers impatiently as he waited for the phone to connect.
She answered almost instantly, and to his relief she sounded fine.
James, hi. Sorry, I didnt mean to disturb you. Are you at work?
Yeahdoesnt matter, Im on a break now. How are you, Connie? Youve been very quiet recently. Well, not even that recently. Apart from the odd email saying nothing significant and a couple of ridiculously brief phone calls, she hadnt really contacted him since shed got back from Afghanistan after Christmas. It wasnt just her fault. He hadnt contacted her, either, and now he felt a flicker of guilt.
She laughed, the soft musical sound making him ache a little inside. Thered been a time not so long ago when shed never laughed
What, you mean Ive left you in peace, Slater?
Something like that, he said mildly. So, how are you?
Fine. Good. Great, really. Ready to move on. The silence stretched out for a heartbeat, and then she said, Actually, I need to talk to you about that.
She sounded oddly hesitant, and his radar started beeping.
Fire away.
That troubling silence again. I dont think its something we can do over the phone, she said eventually. Id thought you might be off today as its Sunday, and I thought maybe we could get together, its been a while, but obviously not if youre working. Have you got any days off coming up?
Tomorrow? Im off then for a couple of days. I dont get many weekends at the momentcrazy staffing issuesbut I can always come over and see you tomorrow evening after youve finished work if its urgent.
No, dont do that, Ill come to you. Im not working at the moment so Ive got plenty of time. And it isnt really urgent, I justI wanted to talk to you. Can I pop over in the morning?
Pop? From a hundred and thirty odd miles away? And why wasnt she working? Sure. Why dont you stay over till Tuesday, if youre free? We can catch up. And I can find out what the hells going on thats so not urgent that you have to come tomorrow morning.
Are you sure? It would be lovely but Ive got the dog, dont forget. Can you cope with that? Shes very good nowhousetrained and all that, but I cant put her in kennels at such short notice.
Had she mentioned a dog? Possibly, but it didnt matter. He had a secure garden. Shed be fine. The dog was the least of his worries.
Im sure well cope, he said. Come. Itll be lovely to see you.
Thanks. When do you want me?
Always
He crushed the inappropriate thought. Whenever youre ready, he said. Give me a call when youre an hour away, so I can be sure Im at home. Ill see you tomorrow some time.
Great. Thanks, James.
No worries. Drive carefully.
Ending the call, he ate the soft, squishy roll, drank his coffee and tasted neither. All he could think about was Connie and her non-urgent topic of conversation. He ripped the wrapper off the chocolate bar and bit into it absently.
What the hell did she want to talk to him about? He had no idea, but he was beginning to regret his invitation. He must have been crazy. His place was a mess, he had a zillion and one things to do, and catching up with Connie just wasnt on his agendaespecially not like this. The prospect of being alone with her for thirty-six hours was going to test him to the limit. Not that he wasnt looking forward to seeing her. Not at all.
Justmaybe a little too much
Crushing the cup in his hand, he headed off back to the department, his thoughts and emotions tumbling.
Connie. His old friend, his ex-colleague, and his best friends wife.
No. His best friends widow. The woman hed promised to take care of.
When it happens, James
If it happens
When it happenspromise me youll take care of her.
Of course I will, you daft bastard. It wont happen. Its your last tour. Youll be fine.
Famous last words.
The ache of loss, still raw after two years, put everything back in perspective and gave him a timely reminder of his duties and responsibilities. It didnt matter what else hed had planned, whatever his personal feelings for her, his duty to Connie came first and right now she needed him.
But apparently not urgently. Tomorrow would do.
Sheesh.
Savagely tossing the crushed cup into a bin, he strode through the door and headed back to work.
Well. Were going to see James. What do you think of that, Saffy? Do you think hell understand?
Saffy thumped her tail once, head on Connies foot, eyes alert as she peered up at her. Connie reached down a hand and stroked her gently, and Saffy groaned and rolled over, one leg lifted to reveal the vulnerable underside she was offering for a tickle.
Hussy, she crooned, rubbing the scarred tummy, and the dogs tail wagged again. She licked Connies ankle, the contact of her warm, moist tongue cementing the already close bond between them. Almost as if she understood. No, of course she didnt, Connie told herself. How could she, even though Connie had told her everything there was to tell about it all in excruciating detail.
Sorry, sweetheart, she murmured, straightening up and getting to her feet. No time for cuddles, Ive got too much to do.
If she was going to see James tomorrow, she needed to pull herself together and get ready. Do some washing so she had something other than jeans and a ratty old T shirt to wear. Pack. Make sure the house was clean and tidy before they left.
Not that it was dirty or untidy, but now the decision was made and she was going to see him, to ask him the most monumental and massive favour, she needed to do something to keep herself busy or shed go crazy.
Shed rehearsed her speech over and over again, gone through what she was going to say until shed worn it out. There was nothing left to do but clean the house, so she cleaned it until it squeaked, and then she fell into bed and slept restlessly until dawn.
God, the place was a tip.
Hed been going to tackle it last night, but as usual hed been held up by admin and hadnt got home until ten, so hed left it till this morning. Now, looking round it, he realised that had probably been a massive mistake.
He blitzed the worst of it, made up a bed for her and went back downstairs.
Better. Slightly. If he ever had any regular time off he might stand a chance, but right now that was just a distant dream. He glanced at his watch. Ten to ten. Supermarket now, or later, after shed arrived? She was an early riser but the journey would take her a good two hours.
Now, he decided, if he was quick, and ten minutes later he was standing there in the aisles and trying to remember what she liked. Was she a vegetarian?
No, of course she wasnt. He recalled watching her eating a bun crammed with roast pork and apple sauce at the Suffolk Show, the memory still vivid. It must have been the first year hed been in Yoxburgh, and Joe had been on leave.
And hed been watching her eat, his body throbbing with need as shed flicked out her tongue and scooped up a dribble of apple sauce on her chin. Hed dragged his eyes away and found Joe staring at him, an odd expression on his face.
Food envy, hed explained hastily, and Joe had laughed and bought him another roll from the hog roast stand.
Hed had to force himself to eat it, because he hadnt had food envy at all, just plain old envy. He was jealous of Joe, jealous of his best friend for being so ridiculously happy with his lovely wife. How sick was that? How lonely and empty and barren Whatever. She wasnt vegetarian, so he picked up a nice piece of fillet steak from the butchery counter, threw some other stuff into the trolley and headed home, wondering for the hundredth time what she wanted to say to him. Shed said she was ready to move on, and now it was in his head a disturbing possibility wouldnt go away.
Was there someone new in her life?
Why not? It was perfectly plausible. She was a beautiful woman, she was alone, she was free to do whatever she likedbut even the thought of her replacing the best friend a man could wish for, the kindest and most courageous man hed ever known, made him feel sick.
Dismissing the pointless speculation, he drove down Ferry Road towards the little community grouped around the harbour mouth, turned onto the gravel track that led past a little string of houses to his cottage and pulled up on the drive next to a four-wheel drive hed never seen before, just as his phone pinged.
Damn. Hed meant to be here, but she hadnt rungor had she, while hed been vacuuming the house?
Yup. There was a missed call from her, and a voice-mail.
Ive arrived. Couldnt get you on the phone earlier, but Im here now so Im walking the dog. Call me when you get home.
He dialled her number as he carried the bags into the kitchen and dumped them on the worktop, and she answered on the second ring, sounding breathless.
Hidid you get my message?
Yeah. Sorry I wasnt here, I went food shopping. Im back now. Where are you?
On the sea wall. Ill be two ticks, I can see the cottage from here, she told him, so he opened the front door and stood on the porch step scanning the path, and there she was, blonde hair flying in the breeze, a huge sandy-coloured dog loping by her side as she ran towards him, her long limbs moving smoothly as she covered the ground with an effortless stride.
God, she was lovely.
Lovelier than ever, and that took some doing. His heart lurched, and he dredged up what he hoped was a civilised smile as he went to meet her.
She looked amazing, fit and well and bursting with energy. Her pale gold hair was gleaming, her blue eyes bright, her cheeks flushed with the sea breeze and the exertion as she ran up, her smile as wide as her arms, and threw herself at him. Her body slammed into his and knocked the breath from him in every way, and he nearly staggered at the impact.
Hey, Slater!
Hey yourself, Princess, he said on a slight laugh as his arms wrapped round her and caught her tight against him. Good to see you.
You, too.
She hugged him hard, her body warm and firm against his for the brief duration of the embrace, and he hugged her back, ridiculously pleased to see her, because hed missed her, this woman of Joes. Missed her warmth and her humour, missed the laughter she carried with her everywhere she went. Or had, until shed lost Joe.
Dont tell me youre getting married againplease, dont tell me that
Swearing silently, he dropped his arms and stepped back, looking down at the great rangy hound standing panting at Connies side, tongue lolling as it watched him alertly.
SoI take it this is your rescued dog? Id pictured some little terrier or spaniel.
Connie winced ruefully. Sorry. Teensy bit bigger. This is SaffySafiya. It means best friend. Joe sort of adopted her in Afghanistan on his last tour. He was going to bring her home, butwell, he didnt make it, so I brought her back.
Typical Joe, he thought with a lump in his throat. Big tough guy, soft as lights. And hed just bet shed been his best friend, in the harsh and desolate desert, thousands of miles from home. A touch of humanity in the inhumanity of war.
He held out his hand for Saffy to sniff. She did more than sniff it. She licked it. Gently, tentatively, coming closer to press her head against his shoulder as he crouched down to her level and stroked her long, floppy ears. A gentle giant of a dog. No wonder Joe had fallen for her.
He laughed softly, a little taken aback by the trusting gesture, and straightened up again. Shes a sweetie, he said, his voice slightly choked, and Connie nodded.
She is. I had to bring her home.
Of course shed had to, because Saffy was her last link to Joe. If Joe had been soft, Connie was softer, but there was a core of steel in there, too. Hed seen plenty of evidence of that in the past few years.
Hed seen her holding herself together when Joe was deployed to Afghanistan for what was meant to be his final tour, and then again, just months later, when he came home for the last time in a flag-draped coffin
So, this is the new house, then, she said, yanking him back to the present as he opened the gate and ushered her and Saffy through it.
He hauled in a breath and put the memories away. Hardly new. Ive been here over two years. Id forgotten you hadnt seen it.
No, well, things got in the way. I cant believe its that long, she said. She looked slightly bemused, as if the time had somehow passed and shed been suspended in an emotional void. He supposed she might well have been. He had, for years. Still was in many ways, and it was a lonely place.
Take care of Connie.
Guilt ate at him. He should have been there more for her, should have looked out for her, emailed her more often, rung her. It had been months, and hed just let it drift by. Too busy, as usual, for the things that really mattered.
There didnt seem to be anything else to say, so he took her into the house, looking at it with the critical eyes of a stranger and finding it wanting. Not the house, but his treatment of it. The house was lovely and deserved better than a quick once-over as and when.
Sorry, its a bit of a mess. I havent done a great deal to it, but the people I bought it from left it in great condition so I just moved in and got on with other things. Ive been so busy I havent even unpacked the books yet.
She looked around and smiled. I can see that. You havent put any pictures up, either.
Ive got the sea. I dont need pictures, he said simply, and she turned and looked out of the window, feeling the calming effect of the breakers rolling slowly in, the quiet suck of the surf on the shingle curiously soothing.
No, I suppose you dont, she said. She glanced around again. The living space was all open, the seating area at the front of the house facing the sea, the full-width dining and kitchen area at the back overlooking the marshes and the meandering river beyond. There was an unspoilt beauty about the area, and she could absolutely see why hed bought the cottage.
Its lovely, James. Really gorgeous. I was expecting something tiny from the name.
Thrift Cottage? Theres a plant called sea thriftArmeria maritima. The gardens full of it. I dont know which came first but I imagine thats the connection. It was certainly nothing to do with the price, he said drily. Coffee?
She chuckled. Love one. I havent had my caffeine fix yet today.
Espresso, cappuccino, latte, Americano?
She blinked. Wow, you must have a fancy coffee machine.
He grinned. Some things have to be taken seriously.
So do me a flat white, she challenged, her eyes sparkling with laughter.
Typical Connie, he thought. Never take the easy route or expect anyone else to. He rolled his eyes, took the milk out of the carrier bag hed just brought home and started work while she and the dog watched his every move, Connie from the other side of the room, Saffy from her position on the floor just close enough to reach anything he might drop. Hope personified, he thought with a smile.
You do know I was a barista while I was at uni? he offered over his shoulder, the mischievous grin dimpling his lean cheek again and making her mouth tug in response.
I didnt, but it doesnt surprise me.
She watched him as he stuck a cup under the spout of the coffee machine, his broad shoulders and wide stance reminding her of Joe, and yet not. Joe had been shorter, stockier, his hair a lighter brown, and his eyes had been a muted green, unlike Jamess, which were a striking, brilliant ice-blue rimmed with navy. She noticed the touch of grey at his temples and frowned slightly. That was new. Or had she just not noticed before?
So how long did the drive take you? he asked, turning to look at her with those piercing eyes.
Just over two hoursabout two fifteen? I had a good run but I had to stop to let Saffy out for a minute.
She stepped over the dog and perched on a high stool beside him, and the light drift of her perfume teased his nostrils. He could feel her eyes on him as he foamed the milk, tapping the jug, swirling the espresso round the warmed cup before he poured the milk into it in a carefully controlled stream, wiggling the jug to create a perfect rosetta of microfoamed milk on top of the crema.
Here, he said, sliding the cup towards her with a flourish, pleased to see he hadnt lost his touch despite the audience.
Latte art? Show-off, she said, but she looked impressed and he couldnt resist a slightly smug chuckle.
He tore open a packet of freshly baked cookies from the supermarket, the really wicked ones oozing with calories. He wouldnt normally have bought them, but he knew Connie was a sucker for gooey cookies. He slid them towards her as Saffy watched hopefully.
Here. Dont eat them all.
Whatever gave you that idea? she said innocently, her smile teasing, and he felt his heart lurch dangerously.
Ive never yet met a woman who could resist triple choc chip cookies still warm from the oven.
Her eyes lit up. Are they still warm? she said, diving in, and he watched in fascination as she closed her eyes and sank her teeth into one.
He nearly groaned out loud. How could eating a cookie be so sexy?
Murgh, she said, eyes still closed, and he gave a strained chuckle and trashed his own rosetta as his hand jerked.
That good? he asked, his voice sounding rusty, and she nodded.
Oh, yes, she said, a little more intelligibly, and he laughed again, set his own coffee down on the breakfast bar and joined her on the other stool, shifting it away from her a little after hed taken a cookie from the bag.
Her eyes were open again, and she was pulling another one apart, dissecting it slowly and savouring every bit, and he almost whimpered.
He did whimper. Did he? Really?
Saffy, dont beg, she said through a mouthful of cookie, and he realised it was the dog. He heaved a quiet sigh of relief and grabbed the last cookie, as much as anything so he wouldnt have to watch her eat it.
And then, just because they had to talk about something and anyway, the suspense was killing him, he asked, So, what did you want to talk to me about?
Connie felt her heart thump.
This was it, her chance to ask him, and yet now she was here she had no ideano ideahow to do it. Her carefully rehearsed speech had deserted her, and her mind flailed. Start at the beginning, she told herself, and took a deep breath.
Umdid you realise Joe and I were having problems? she asked tentatively.
Problems?
James stared at her, stunned by that. Problems were the last thing he would have associated with them. Theyd always seemed really happy together, and Joe, certainly, had loved Connie to bits. Had it not been mutual? No, Joe would have saidwouldnt he? Maybe not.
What sort of problems? he asked warily, not at all sure he wanted to know.
Only onewell, two, if you count the fact that I spent our entire marriage waiting for the doorbell to ring and someone in uniform to tell me he was dead.
Id count that, he said gruffly. Hed felt it himself, every time Joe had been deployed on active serviceand it didnt get much more active than being a bomb disposal officer. But still, hed never really expected it to happen. Maybe Connie had been more realistic.
And the other problem?
She looked away, her expression suddenly bleak. We couldnt have children.
He frowned, speechless for a second as it sank in. He set his cup down carefully and closed his eyes. When he opened them she was watching him again, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, waiting for him to say the right thing.
Whatever the hell that was. He let out a long, slow sigh and shook his head.
Ah, Connie. Im so sorry. I didnt realise there was anything wrong. I always thought it was by choice, something youd get round to when hed finished that last tour.
except he never had
It was. She smiled a little unsteadily, and looked away again. Actually, he was going to come and see you about it when he got home.
Me? he asked, puzzled by that. I dont know anything about infertility. Youre a doctor, you probably know as much about it as I do, if not more. You needed to see a specialist.
We had. It wasnt for that. Wed had the tests, and he was the one with the problem. Firing blanks, as he put it. She grimaced a little awkwardly, uncomfortable revealing what Joe had considered a weakness, a failure, something to be ashamed of. I wanted him to tell you, but he wouldnt, not for ages. He was psyching himself up to do it when he got home, but it was so hard for him, even though you were so close.
We were, butguys dont talk about that kind of thing, Connie, especially when theyre like Joe.
I know. Its stupid, I feel so disloyal telling you because he just wouldnt talk about it. I would have told you ages ago, but he couldnt, and so nor could I because it wasnt my secret to tell.
He sighed and reached out a hand, laying it over her arm and squeezing gently. Dont feel disloyal. I loved him, too, remember. You can tell me anything you need to, and you know it wont go any further.
She nodded. I know. I just wish hed felt he could tell you.
Me, too. He sighed again and withdrew his hand. Im really sorry, Connie. That must have been so tough to deal with.
She looked down at her coffee, poking at the foam with the teaspoon, drawing little trails absently through the rosetta, and he noticed her cheeks had coloured a little.
She sucked in a slightly shaky breath. He was going to tell you, as soon as he got back. He wanted to ask you Oh, just spit it out, woman! He can only say no!
She sat up straighter and made herself look him in the eye, her heart pounding. He was going to ask you if youd consider being a sperm donor for us.
He stared at her blankly, the shock robbing him of his breath for a moment. He hauled it back in and frowned.
Me?
Theyd wanted him to give them a child?
Why me? he asked, his voice sounding strangely distant. Of all the people in the world, why me?
She shrugged. Why not? I would have thought it was obvious. He doesnt have a brother, you were his best friend, he loved and respected you. Plus youre not exactly ugly or stupid. Who better? She paused for a second, fiddled with her spoon, then met his eyes again, her own a little wary. Would you have said yes?
He shook his head to clear it, still reeling a little from the shock.
Hell, I dont know, Connie. I have no idea.
Butpossibly?
He shrugged. Maybe.
A baby? Maybe not. Most likely not.
Definitely maybe? Like, probably?
Would he? He tried to think, but he was still trying to come to terms with it and thinking seemed too hard right then.
I dont know. I really dont know. I might have considered it, I suppose, but its irrelevant now, so its hard to know how I would have reacted. But you would have been brilliant parents. Im just so sorry you never had the chance. That really sucks.
Shed shifted her attention to the cookie crumbs on the breakfast bar, pushing them around with her fingertip, and he saw her swallow. Then she lifted her head and met his eyes. Her whole body seemed to go still, as if every cell was holding its breath. And then she spoke.
What if it wasnt irrelevant now?
CHAPTER TWO
WAS THIS WHY shed wanted to see him? To ask him this?
He searched her eyes, and they didnt waver.
What are you saying, Connie? he asked quietly, but he knew already, could feel the cold reality of it curling around him like freezing fog.
He saw her swallow again. I wonderedI dont know how youll feel about it, and I know Joes not here now, butJames, I still really want a baby.
He stared at her, saw the pleading in her eyes, and he felt suddenly drenched with icy sweat. She meant it. She really, really meant it
He shoved the stool back abruptly and stood up, taking a step away on legs that felt like rubber. No. Im sorry, Connie. I cant do it.
He walked away, going out onto the veranda and curling his fingers round the rail, his hands gripping it so hard his knuckles were bleached white while the memories poured through him.
Cathy, coming into their bedroom, her eyes bright with joy in her pale face, a little white wand in her hand.
I mightve worked out why Ive been feeling rough
He heard Connies footsteps on the boards behind him, could feel her just inches away, feel her warmth, hear the soft sigh of her breath. Her voice, when she spoke, was hesitant.
James? Im sorry. I know its a bit weird, coming out of the blue like that, but please dont just say no without considering it
Her voice cracked slightly, and she broke off. Her hand was light on his shoulder, tentative, trembling slightly. It burned him all the way through to his soul.
James? Talk to me?
Theres nothing to talk about, he said, his voice hollow. Joes dead, Connie. Hes gone. Theyre all gone
Her breath sucked in softly. Do you think I dont know that? Do you really think that in the last two years I havent noticed? But Im still here, and Im alive, and Im trying to move on with my life, to rescue something from the wreckage. And you could help me do that. Give me something to live for. Please. At least think about it.
He turned his head slightly and stared at her, then looked away again. Hell, Connie, you know how to push a guys buttons. His voice was raw now, rasping, and he swallowed hard, shaking his head again to clear it, but it didnt work this time any more than it had the last.
Im sorry. I know its a bit sudden and unexpected, butyou said you would have considered it.
No, I said I might have considered it, for you and Joe. Not just for you! I cant do that, Connie! I cant just hand you a little pot of my genetic material and walk away and leave you on your own. What kind of person would that make me?
Generous? Id still be the mother, still be the primary carer, whatever. Whats the difference?
The difference? The difference is that youre on your own, and children need two parents. Theres no way I could be responsible for a child coming into the world that I wasnt involved with on a daily basis
Sowhat? You want to be involved? You can be involved
What? No! Connie, no. Absolutely not. I dont want to be a father! Its not anywhere, anyhow, on my agenda.
Not any more.
Joe said you might say that. I mean, if youd wanted kids you would have got married again, wouldnt you? But he said youd always said you wouldnt, and he thought that might be the very reason youd agree, because you might see it as the only way youd ever have a child
She trailed off, as if she knew shed gone too far, and he stared down at his stark white knuckles, his fingers burning with the tension. One by one he made them relax so that he could let go of the rail and walk away. Away from Connie, away from the memories that were breaking through his carefully erected defences and flaying him to shreds.
Cathys face, her eyes alight with joy. The first scan, that amazing picture of their baby. And then, just weeks later
No, Connie. Im sorry, butno. You dont know what youre asking. I cant. I just cant
The last finger peeled away from the railing and he spun on his heel and walked off, down the steps, across the garden, out of the gate.
She watched him go, her eyes filling, her last hope of having the child she and Joe had longed for so desperately fading with every step he took, and she put her hand over her mouth to hold in the sob and went back to the kitchen to a scene of utter chaos.
Oh, Saffy, no! she wailed as the dog shot past her, a slab of meat dangling from her jaws.
It was the last straw. Sinking down on the floor next to the ravaged shopping bags, Connie pulled up her knees, rested her head on them and sobbed her heart out as all the hopes and dreams she and Joe had cherished crumbled into dust.
It took him a while to realise the dog was at his side.
He was sitting on the sea wall, hugging one knee and staring blindly out over the water. He couldnt see anything but Connie.
Not the boats, not the seanot even the face of the wife hed loved and lost. He struggled to pull up the image, but he couldnt, not now, when he wanted to. All he could see was Connies face, the hope and pleading in her eyes as shed asked him the impossible, the agonising disappointment when hed turned her down, and it was tearing him apart.
Finally aware of Saffys presence, he turned his head and met her eyes. She was sitting beside him, the tip of her tail flickering tentatively, and he lifted his hand and stroked her.
I cant do it, Saffy, he said, his voice scraping like the shingle on the beach. I want to help her, I promised to look after her, but I cant do that, I just cant. She doesnt know what shes asking, and I cant tell her. I cant explain. I cant say it out loud.
Saffy shifted slightly, leaning on him, and he put his arm over her back and rested his hand on her chest, rubbing it gently; after a moment she sank down to the ground with a soft grunt and laid her head on her paws, her weight against him somehow comforting and reassuring.
How many times had Joe sat like this with her, in the heat and dust and horror of Helmand? He stroked her side, and she shifted again, so that his hand fell naturally onto the soft, unguarded belly, offered with such trust.
He ran his fingers over it and stilled, feeling the ridges of scars under his fingertips. It shocked him out of his grief.
Oh, Saffy, what happened to you, sweetheart? he murmured. He turned his head to study the scars, and saw feet.
Two feet, long and slim, slightly dusty, clad in sandals, the nails painted fire-engine-red. He hadnt heard her approaching over the sound of the sea, but there she was, and he couldnt help staring at those nails. They seemed so cheerful and jolly, so totally out of kilter with his despair.
He glanced up at her and saw that shed been crying, her eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, her cheeks smudged with tears. His throat closed a little, but he said nothing, and after a second she sat down on the other side of the dog, her legs dangling over the wall as she stared out to sea.
She was injured when he found her, she said softly, answering his question. They did a controlled explosion of an IED, and Saffy must have got caught in the blast. She had wounds all over her. He should have shot her, really, but he was racked with guilt and felt responsible, and the wounds were only superficial, so he fed her and put antiseptic on them, and bit by bit she got better, and she adored him. Ive got photos of them together with his arm round her in the compound. His commanding officer would have flayed the skin off him if hed known, especially as Joe was the officer in charge of the little outpost, but he couldnt have done anything else. He broke all the rules for her, and nobody ever said a word.
And you brought her home for him.
She tried to smile. I had to. I owed it to her, and anyway, hed already arranged it. Theres a charity run by an ex-serviceman to help soldiers bring home the dogs that theyve adopted over there, and it was all set up, but when Joe died the arrangements ground to a halt. Then a year later, just before I went out to Afghanistan, someone from the charity contacted me and said the dog was still hanging around the compound and did I still want to go ahead.
And of course you did. He smiled at her, his eyes creasing with a gentle understanding that brought a lump to her throat. She swallowed.
Yeah. Well. Anyway, they were so helpful. The money wasnt the issue because Joe had already paid them, it was the red tape, and they knew just how to cut through it, and she was flown home a month later, just after I left for Afghanistan. She was waiting for me in the quarantine kennels when I got home at the end of December, and shes been with me ever since, but it hasnt been easy.
No, Im sure it hasnt. Poor Saffy, he said, his hand gentle on her side, and Connie reached out and put her hand over his, stilling it.
James, Im really sorry. I didnt mean to upset you. I justit was the last piece of the puzzle, really, the last thing wed planned apart from bringing Saffy home. Wed talked about it for so long, and he was so excited about the idea that maybe at last we could have a baby. He didnt know what youd say, which way youd go, but he was hoping he could talk you into it.
And maybe he could have done, she thought, if James had meant what hed said about considering it. But now, because Joe was dead, James had flatly refused to help her because shed be alone and that was different, apparently.
You know, she said softly, going on because she couldnt just give up on this at the first hurdle, if youd said yes to him and then hed been killed in some accident, for instance, I would still have had to bring the baby up alone. What would you have done then, if Id already had a child?
I would have looked after you both, he said instantly, but you havent had a child, and Joes gone, and I dont want that responsibility.
There is no responsibility.
He stared at her. Of course there is, Connie. I cant just give you a child and let you walk off into the sunset with it and forget about it. Get real. This is my flesh and blood youre talking about. My child. I could never forget my child.
Ever
But you would have done it for us?
He shook his head slowly. I dont know. Maybe, maybe not, but Joes not here any more, and a stable, happily married couple who desperately want a baby isnt the same as a grieving widow clinging to the remnants of a dream.
But thats not what Im doing, not what this is about.
Are you sure? Have you really analysed your motives, Connie? I dont think so. And what if you meet someone? he asked her, that nagging fear suddenly rising again unbidden and sickening him. What if, a couple of years down the line, another man comes into your life? What then? Would you expect me to sit back and watch a total stranger bringing up my child, with no say in how they do it?
She shook her head vehemently. That wont happenand anyway, Im getting older. Im thirty-six now. Times ebbing away. I dont know if Ill ever be truly over Joe, and by the time I am, and Ive met someone and trust him enough to fall in love, itll be too late for me and I really, really want this. Its now or never, James.
It was. He could see that, knew that her fertility was declining with every year that passed, but that wasnt his problem. Nothing about this was his problem. Until she spoke again.
I dont want to put pressure on you, and I respect your decision. I justI would much rather it was someone Joe had loved and respected, someone I loved and respected, than an anonymous donor.
Anonymous donor? he said, his voice sounding rough and gritty to his ears.
Well, what else? If it cant be you, I dont know who else it would be. Theres nobody else I could ask, but if I go for a donor how do I know what theyre like? How do I know if theyve got a sense of humour, or any brains or integrityI might as well go and pull someone in a nightclub and have a random
Connie, for Gods sake!
She gave a wry, twisted little smile.
Dont worry, James. Its OK. Im not that crazy. I wont do anything stupid.
Good, he said tautly. And for the record, I dont like emotional blackmail.
It wasnt! she protested, her eyes filling with tears.
Really, James, it wasnt, I wouldnt do that to you. I wasnt serious. Im really not that nuts.
He wasnt sure. Not nuts, maybe, butdesperate?
When it happenspromise me youll take care of her.
Of course I will, you daft bastard. It wont happen. Its your last tour. Youll be fine.
But he hadnt been fine, and now Connie was here, making hideous jokes about doing something utterly repugnant, and he felt the weight of responsibility crush him.
Promise me you wont do anything stupid, he said gruffly.
I wont.
Nothing. Dont do anything. Not yet.
She tilted her head and searched his eyes, her brows pleating together thoughtfully. Not yet?
Not ever, because I cant bear the thought of you giving your body to a total stranger in some random, drunken encounter, and because if anybodys going to give you a baby, its me
The thought shocked him rigid. He jack-knifed to his feet and strode back to the house, his heart pounding, and after a few moments he heard the crunch of gravel behind him on the path.
Saffy was already there at his side, glued to his leg, and as he walked into the kitchen and stared at the wreckage of his shopping bags, she wagged her tail sheepishly, guilt written all over her.
A shadow fell across the room.
Ah. Sorry. I was coming to tell youshe stole the steak.
He gave a soft, slightly unsteady laugh and shook his head. Oh, Saffy. You are such a bad dog, he murmured, with so much affection in his voice it brought a lump to her throat. He seemed to be doing that a lot today.
She was starving when Joe found her. She steals because its all she knows, the only way she could survive. And it really is her only vice. Ill replace the steak
To hell with the steak, he said gruffly. Shes welcome to it. Well just have to go to the pub tonight.
Better that way than sitting alone together in his house trying to have a civilised conversation over dinner and picking their way through this minefield. Perhaps Saffy had inadvertently done them both a favour.
Well, I could have handled that better, couldnt I, Saff?
Saffy just wagged her tail lazily and stretched. James had gone shopping again because it turned out it was more than just the steak that needed replacing, so Connie was sitting on a bench in the garden basking in the lovely warm June sunshine and contemplating the mess shed made of all this.
Hed refused her offer of company, saying the dog had spent long enough in the car, and to be honest she was glad hed gone without her because it had all become really awkward and uncomfortable, and if it hadnt mattered so much she would have packed up the dog and her luggage and left.
But then hed said yet.
Dont do anything yet.
She dropped her head back against the wall of the cabin behind her and closed her eyes and wondered what hed really meant by yet.
She had no idea.
None that she dared to contemplate, anyway, in case a ray of hope sneaked back in and she had to face having it dashed all over again, but hed had a strange look about him, and then hed stalked off.
Run away?
No! Stop it! Stop thinking about it. He didnt mean anything, it was just a turn of phrase.
Maybe
She opened her eyes and looked up at the house, trying to distract herself. It was set up slightly above the level of the garden, possibly because of the threat of flooding before the sea wall had been built, but the result was that even from the ground floor there were lovely views out to sea across the mouth of the estuary and across the marshes behind, and from the bedrooms the views would be even better.
She wondered where shed be sleeping. He hadnt shown her to her room yet, but it wasnt a big house so she wouldnt be far away from him, and she felt suddenly, ridiculously uneasy about being alone in the house with him for the night.
Crazy. There was nothing to feel uneasy about. Hed stayed with them loads of times, and hed stayed the night after Joes funeral, too, refusing to leave her until he was sure she was all right.
And anyway, what was he going to do, jump her bones? Hardly, James just wasnt like that. Hed never so much as looked at her sideways, never mind made her feel uncomfortable like some of Joes other friends had.
If he had, there was no way she would have broached the sperm donor subject. Way too intimate. It had been hard enough as it was, and maybe that was why she felt uneasy. The whole subject was necessarily very personal and intimate, and shed gone wading in there without any warning and shocked his socks off.
It dawned on her belatedly that she hadnt even asked if there was anyone else who might have been a consideration in this, but that was so stupid. He was a fit, healthy and presumably sexual active man who was entitled to have a relationship with anyone he chose. Shed just assumed he wasnt in a relationship, assumed that just because hed never mentioned anyone, there wasnt anyone.
OK, so he probably wasnt getting married to her, whoever she might be, but that didnt stop him having a lover. Several, if he chose. Did he bring them back here?
She realised she was staring up at the house and wondering which was his bedroom, wondering where in the house he made love to the femme du jour, and it stopped her in her tracks.
What was she doing, even thinking about his private life? Why the hell was she here at all? How had she had the nerve to ask him to do this?
But hed said yet
She sighed and stopped staring up at the house. Thinking about James and sex in the same breath was so not the way forward, not if she wanted to keep this clinical and uninvolved. And she did. She had to, because it was complicated enough. She looked around her instead, her eye drawn again to the cabin behind her. It was painted in a lovely muted grey-green, set up slightly on stilts so it was raised above the level of the garden like the house, with steps up to the doors.
She wondered what he used it for. It might be a store room, but it seemed far too good to use as a glory-hole. That would be such a waste.
Home gym? Possibly, although he didnt have the sort of muscles that came from working out. He looked like more of a runner, or maybe a tennis player. Not that shed studied his body, she thought, frowning at herself. Why would she? But shed noticed, of course she had.
She dragged herself back to the subject. Hobbies room? She wasnt aware that he had any. James had never mentioned it, and she realised that for all shed known him for years, she hardly knew him. Not really. Not deep down. Shed met him nine years ago, worked with him for a year as his SHO, seen him umpteen times since then while shed been with Joe, but he didnt give a lot away, at least not to her. Never had.
Maybe that was how shed felt able to come down here and ask him this? Although if shed known more about how he ticked she could have engineered her argument to target his weak spot. Or had she inadvertently done that? His reaction had been instant and unmistakeable. Hed recoiled from the idea as if it was unthinkable, but then hed begun to relenthadnt he?
She wasnt sure. It would have helped if Joe had paved the way, but he hadnt, and so shed had to go in cold and blunder about in what was obviously a very sensitive area. Pushing his buttons, as hed put it. And hed said no, so shed upset him for nothing.
Except he hadnt given her a flat-out no in the end, had he? Hed said dont do anything yet. Whatever yet meant.
She sighed. Back to that again.
He didnt really need another trip to the supermarket. They could have managed. Hed just needed space to think, to work out what, if anything, he could do to stop Connie from making the biggest mistake of her life.
Or his.
He swore softly under his breath, swung the car into a parking space and did a quick raid of the bacon and sausage aisle to replace all the breakfast ingredients Saffy had pinched, then he drove back home, lecturing himself every inch of the way on how his responsibility to Connie did not mean he had to do this.
He just had to stop her doing something utterly crazy. The very thought of her with a total stranger made him gag, but he wasnt much more thrilled by the idea of her conceiving a child from a nameless donor courtesy of a turkey baster.
Hell, it could be anybody! They could have some inherited disease, some genetic disorder that would be passed on to a childa predisposition to cancer, heart disease, all manner of things. Rationally, of course, he knew that no reputable clinic would use unscreened donors, and the checks were rigorous. Very rigorous. He knew that, but even so
What would Joe have thought about it? If hed refused, what would Joe and Connie have done next? Asked another friend? Gone to a clinic?
It was irrelevant, he told himself again. That was then, this was now, this was Connie on her own, fulfilling a lost dream. God knows what her motives were, but he was pretty sure she hadnt examined them in enough detail or thought through the ramifications. Somehow or other he had to talk her out of it, or at the very least try. He owed it to Joe. Hed promised to take care of her, and he would, because he kept his promises, and hed keep this one if it killed him.
Assuming shed let him, because her biological clock was obviously ticking so loud it was deafening her to reason. And as for his crazy reaction, that absurd urge to give her his babyand without the benefit of any damn turkey baster
Swearing viciously under his breath, he pulled up in a slew of gravel, and immediately he could hear Saffy yipping and scrabbling at the gate.
Do you reckon she can smell the shopping? Connie asked, smiling tentatively at him over the top, and he laughed briefly and turned his attention to the shopping bags, wondering yet again how on earth he was in this position. Why she hadnt warned him over the phone, said something, anything, some little hint so he hadnt been quite so unprepared when shed just come out with it, though quite how she would have warned him
Probably, he said drily. I think Id better put this lot away in the fridge pronto. I take it she cant open the fridge?
She hasnt ever done it yet.
Dont start now, he said, giving the dog a level stare immediately cancelled out by a head-rub that had her shadowing him into the kitchen.
Connie followed him, too, hesitating on the threshold. James, Im really sorry. I didnt mean to put you in a difficult position.
He paused, his hand on the fridge door, and looked at her over his shoulder. You didnt, he said honestly. Joe did. It was his idea. You were just following up on it.
I could have let it go.
So why didnt you?
Her smile was wry and touched with sadness. Because I couldnt, she answered softly, not while there was any hope, and he straightened up and shut the fridge and hugged her, because she just looked so damned unhappy and there was nothing he could do to make it better.
No amount of taking care of her was going to sort this out, short of doing what shed asked, and he wasnt sure he would ever be able to do that, despite that visceral urge which had caught him off guard. Or because of it? Just the thought of her pregnant with his child
He let her go, easing her gently away with his hands on her shoulders and creating some much-needed distance between them, because his thoughts were suddenly wildly inappropriate, and the graphic images shocked him.
Why dont you stick the kettle on and well have a cup of tea, and then we can take Saffy for a walk and go to the pub for supper.
Are we still going? I thought youd just been shopping.
He shrugged. I didnt bother to get anything for tonight. The pub seemed like a good ideaunlessis Saffy all right to leave here while we eat?
She stared at him for a second, as if she was regrouping.
Yes, shes fine. Ive got a big wire travelling crate I use for herits a sort of retreat. I leave the door open all day so she can go in there to sleep or get away from it all, and I put her in there at night.
Because you dont trust her?
Not entirely, she said drily. Still early days, and she did pinch the steak and the sausages.
The crate it is, then. He smiled wryly, then glanced at his watch. Why dont we bring your luggage in and put it in your room while the kettle boils? I would have done it before but things ran away with us a little.
Didnt they just? she thought.
He carried the dogs crate, she carried her overnight bag and the bag of stuff for Saffyfood, toys, blanket. Well, not a blanket, really, just an old jumper of Joes shed been unable to part with, and then when Saffy had come home shed found a justification for her sentimental idiocy.
Can we leave the crate down here? she asked. Shell be fine in the kitchen, shes used to it.
Sure. Come on up, Ill give you a guided tour. Itll take about ten seconds. The house isnt exactly enormous.
It wasnt, but it was lovely. There were doors from the entrance hall into the ground floor living space, essentially one big L-shaped room, with a cloakroom off the hallway under the stairs, and the landing above led into three bedrooms, two doubles and a single, and a small but well-equipped and surprisingly luxurious bathroom.
He showed her into the large bedroom at the front, simply furnished with a double bed, wardrobe and chest of drawers. There was a pale blue and white rug on the bare boards between the bed and the window, and on the edge of it was a comfy armchair, just right for reading in. And the bed, made up in crisp white linen, sat squarely opposite the windowperfect for lying there drinking early morning tea and gazing out to sea.
She crossed to the window and looked left, over the river mouth, the current rippling the water. The window was open and she could hear the suck of the sea on the shingle, the keening of the gulls overhead, and if she breathed in she could smell the salt in the air.
Oh, James, its lovely, she sighed.
Everyone likes this room. He put her bag down and took a step towards the door. Ill leave you to settle in.
No need. I travel light. Itll take me three seconds to unpack.
She followed him back out onto the landing and noticed another flight of stairs leading up.
So whats up there? she asked.
My room.
He didnt volunteer anything else, didnt offer to show it to her, and she didnt ask. She didnt want to enter his personal space. Not under the circumstances. Not after her earlier speculation about his love life. The last thing she needed was to see the bed he slept in. So she didnt ask, just followed him downstairs, got her walking boots out of the car and put them on.
In your own time, Slater, she said lightly, and he gave her one of those wry smiles of his and got off the steps and led her and Saffy out of the gate.
CHAPTER THREE
SHE PUT SAFFY on a lead because she didnt really want to spend half the evening looking for her if she ran off, but the dog attached herself to James like glue and trotted by his side, the lead hanging rather pointlessly across the gap between her and Connie.
Faithless hound.
So, where are we going? she asked, falling in beside them.
I thought we could go along by the river, then cut inland on the other side of the marshes and pick up the lane. Itll bring us out on the sea wall from the other direction. Its about three miles. Is that OK?
Sounds good.
The path narrowed on top of the river wall, and she dropped back behind him, Saffy still glued to his heels, and in the end she gave him the lead.
You seem to have a new friend, she said drily, and he glanced down at the dog and threw her a grin over his shoulder.
Looks like it. Is that a problem?
No, of course not, she said promptly. Im glad she likes you. She does seem to like men, I expect because shes been used to them looking after her out in Helmand, but shell have to get over it when we go home tomorrow. I hope it wont unsettle her.
Do you think it might?
I dont know. I hope not. Shes doing so well.
Apart from the thieving, he said drily, and she gave a guilty chuckle.
Yeah, well. Apart from that.
They walked in silence for a while by the muddy shallows at the edge of the river, and then as they turned inland and headed uphill, he dropped back beside her and said, So, how was Afghanistan? You havent really told me anything about it.
No. It was a bit strange really. A bit surreal, but Im glad I went. The facilities at Camp Bastion are fantastic. The things they do, what they achievefor a field hospital its unbelievable. Did you know its got the busiest trauma unit in the world?
Im not surprised. Most of them arent in an area that has conflict.
No. No, they arent. And I found that aspect really difficult.
Because of Joe?
She nodded. Sort of. Because of all of them, really. I had second thoughts about going, after he died. I didnt know how Id feel facing the stark reality of it, but I realised when the first wave of grief receded that I still wanted to go. There was so much I wanted to try and understand, such as why it was necessary, why hed gone in the first place, what hed been trying to achieve.
And did you?
No. No, I still dont understand, not really. I dont think I ever will and Im not sure I want to. People killing each other, maiming each otherit all seems so pointless and destructive. There must be a better way than all this senseless violence.
It must have been really hard for you, Connie, he said, his voice gentle. Very close to home.
She nodded slowly, remembering the shock of seeing the first casualties come in, the realisation that this was it, this was what really happened out there. It was. Id seen videos, had training, but I hadnt really understood what it was like for him until then. Seeing the injured lads there, though, fighting so hard to save themit brought it all home to me, what hed gone through, the threat hed faced every day, never knowing when or if it might happen to him. That was tough.
Im sure. He mentioned you were talking about going. I got the feeling he didnt like it much.
No, he didnt. I dont think he wanted to be worrying about me while he was trying to do his job, and hed tried to put me off when I joined the Territorial Army as a volunteer doctor four years ago, but I thought, if Joe can do it, so can I. Not in the same way, but to do something, to do some goodand Im glad I did, even though it was tough, because its an incredible experience as a doctor.
They fell silent for a while, then she went on, Its amazing what they can do there, you know, saving people that in civilian medicine we simply couldnt save because we just dont get to them fast enough or treat them aggressively enough when we do.
He followed her lead and switched the conversation to practical medical aspects. So what would you change about the way we do things here?
Speed. Blood loss. Thats the real killer out there, so stopping that fast is key, and transfusions. Massive transfusions. We gave one guy a hundred and fifty units of whole blood, plasma, plateletsyou name it. No mucking about with saline and colloids, its straight in with the blood products. And total body scans, the second theyre stable enough to go, so they can see exactly whats wrong and treat it. We should really be doing that with multiple trauma, because its so easy to miss something when theres loads going on.
He nodded. If only we could, but we just dont have the resources. And as for the time issuewe lose people so often because they just get to us too slowly.
Oh, they do. We have the golden hour. They have the platinum ten minutesthey fly out a consultant-led team, scoop them up and bring them back and theyre treating them aggressively before the helicopters even airborne. Every soldier carries a tourniquet and is trained to use it in an emergency, and its made so much difference. They save ninety per cent of multiple trauma patients, where in the rest of the world we save about twenty per cent. And I realised that if Joe died despite everything they were able to throw at him, it was because he was unsaveable. That was quite cathartic.
He nodded slowly. I can imagine it would be. So, will you go again?
No, she said softly. Im glad I went, because it helped me let go of Joe, but Ive done it now, and Ive said goodbye and Ive left the TA. I need to move on. I have other goals now.
A baby, for one.
He went quiet for a while, then turned his head and looked at her searchingly.
So how come you arent working at the moment?
She gave him a fleeting smile and looked away again. I wondered if youd ask that. I could blame it on Saffy, say shed taken a lot of time, a lot of training, and in a way its true, but really shes just an excuse. I guess I wasI dont know Taking time out to regroup, maybe? I worked solidly for the first year after he died, and I didnt give myself time to think, and then I went off to Afghanistan and put even more pressure on myself. That was a mistake, and by the time I got back after Christmas I was wiped. I needed time just to breathe a bit and work out where I go from here. A bit of a gap year, in a way. So I took itor a few months, anyway. Just to try and make some sense of it.
She made herself meet his eyes again, and found a gentle understanding in them. Yeah. I did that after Cathy died. Took a gap year and grabbed the world by the throat, trying to make sense of it.
Did it help?
He thought back to the aching emptiness, the people hed met whod scarcely registered in the haze of grief that had surrounded him. No. I dont know. Maybe.
Maybe not. It took me away from it, but when I came back it was still there, lurking in wait. The grief, the loneliness.
It was the closest hed ever got to talking about Cathy, so she pushed a little more, to see if hed open up further.
She had cancer, didnt she?
The shadows in his eyes darkened. Yes. One minute she was fine, the next she was dying.
Connie felt her heart ache for him. Oh, James. It must have been dreadful watching that.
He could see her now, the image crystal clear, pale as a ghost against the crisp white sheets, trying to smile at him, the small, neat curve of her doomed pregnancy so prominent in that thin frame.
It was, he said simply.
They reached the lane then, and he led the way, walking in single file for a while, facing the oncoming traffic.
Convenient, she thought, since it meant they couldnt talk. Far from opening up, hed shut down again, so she left him alone, just following on behind until they reached the sea wall again and turned left towards the harbour and the little community clustered around the river mouth.
As they drew nearer they passed a house, a sprawling, ultra-modern house clad in cedar that had faded to silver. It was set in a wonderful garden on the end of the little string of properties, and there were children playing outside on the lawn, running in and out of a sprinkler and shrieking happily, and a woman with a baby on her hip waved to him.
He waved back, and turned to Connie as they walked on. Thats Molly. She and her husband used to own my house. They outgrew it.
I should think they did. There were a lot of children there.
Oh, theyre not all hers, he said with a fleeting smile. The babys theirs and shes got a son of about twelve, I think, and theyve got another little one. The others will be her sister-in-laws. They didnt want to move away from here, but with two children and room for her painting they were struggling for space, as you can imagine, and then that house came on the market and David pounced on it.
Its an amazing house. They must have had a stash of cash somewhere or a lottery win.
He chuckled, the sombre mood seeming to slip away. Oh, it didnt look like that when they bought it, but I dont think theyre exactly strapped. Davids a property developer and he part-owns a chain of boutique hotels in Australia. His fathers a local building contractor, and they extended the house massively. Shes got a great studio space and gallery there, and theyve done a lovely job of it. Theyre nice people. Good neighbours.
She wondered what it must be like to live in one place long enough to get to know your neighbours. Shed moved so much with Joe, shifting from one base to another, never putting down roots, and it hadnt been much better in her childhood. She envied James the stability of his life, even if he was alone. Not that she knew that for sure, she reminded herself.
He cut down off the sea wall to his garden gate and held it for her. Right, I need a shower, and then shall we go over to the pub? I havent had anything but those cookies since breakfast and Im starving.
Me, too, but I need to feed the dog. You take the bathroom first.
No need. Ive got my own upstairs.
She felt the tension shed been unaware of leave her. So, no sharing a bathroom, no awkward moments of him tapping on the door or her being caught in the hall with dripping hair.
Heavens, what was wrong with her? This was James!
Half an hour? he suggested.
Thats fine. Ill feed Saffy first.
He disappeared up the stairs, and she fed the dog and put her in the crate, not taking any chances while she was getting ready to go out. This would not be the diplomatic time to find out that Saffy could, indeed, open the door of the fridge.
She put her hair up in a knot and showered quickly, then contemplated her clothes. She hadnt really brought anything for going out, it hadnt occurred to her, but it was only the pub and shed got a pretty top that would do. She put it on over her cropped jeans, let her hair down and then put on some makeup. Not much, just a touch of neutral eyeshadow, a swipe of mascara and a clear, shimmery lipgloss. Just enough to hide behind.
Stupid woman, she muttered. They were going to the local pub for a quick meal to make up for the fact that Saffy had stolen the steak. It wasnt an interview, and it sure as hell wasnt a date.
Not even remotely!
So why did she feel so nervous?
She looked gorgeous.
She wasnt dressed up, but shed put on a little bit of makeup and a fine, soft jersey top that draped enticingly over her subtle curves.
She wasnt over-endowed, but she was in proportion, and when she leant forward to pick up her drink the low neckline fell away slightly, just enough to give him a tantalising glimpse of the firm swell of her breasts cradled in lace.
Fine, delicate lace, the colour of ripe raspberries.
.
.
, (https://www.litres.ru/caroline-anderson/the-secret-in-his-heart/) .
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Caroline Anderson
He had promised to look after hernow he wants so much more."Promise me you'll take care of her." Simple as that. Except for Dr. James Slater, fulfilling his vow to look after his best friend's wife after he died in Afghanistan has never been simple. Especially now that lovely, vital Connie has asked him to help her have a baby. He can't just father her child and then walk awayhe wants and loves her too much for that. Only, how can he even begin to tell her?
Praise for Caroline Anderson:
From one of category romances most accomplished voices comes a beautifully told, intensely emotional and wonderfully uplifting tale of second chances, new beginnings, hope, triumph and everlasting love. Caroline Andersons WEDDING OF THE YEAR is an engrossing, enthralling and highly enjoyable tale that will move you to tears and keep you riveted from the first page until the very last sentence. Moving, heartbreaking and absolutely fantastic, with WEDDING OF THE YEAR Caroline Anderson is at her mesmerising best!
www.cataromance.com on ST PIRANS: WEDDING OF THE YEAR
Photojournalist Maisie Douglas and businessman Robert Mackenzie have been more or less amicably divorced for almost two decades, but the upcoming marriage of their daughter, Jenni, stirs up old emotions on both sides. Very young when she married him, Maisiepregnant and disowned by her familywas miserable living in Scotland with Robs judgmental parents, and left after little more than a year. Maisie hasnt found another partner and neither has Rob. Can they find a way to trust each other again, after all this time? This lovely reunion romance is rich with emotion and humour, and all of the characters are exquisitely rendered.
RT Book Reviews on MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
Dear Reader,
Writing can be an accidental process. The book that preceded this one, From Christmas to Eternity, had a clinical lead called James. That was all I knew about him, until I wrote the words, Why not just take the time and enjoy your family? God knows youre lucky enough to have one. And just like that, James became a person. A widower with a tragic past and no future other than work. Enter Connie, widow of his best friend, ex-colleagueand an attraction hes spent years denying. But Connie has a problem, and James could help her solve it, if he could defeat his own demons.
Now, youd think thatd be enough complication, but, no, I gave them a dog. Not just any dog. I was fascinated when I first learned that Penn Farthing, an ex-serviceman, had adopted starving, feral dogs in Helmand and set up a charity to rescue them, so of course when Connies husband and James friend Joe was killed in Afghanistan, the dog hed planned to rescue had to come homethe last thing she could do for him. And where Connie goes, Saffy has to go, too, causing havoc and ultimately bringing Connie and James together.
You can find more about the work of Penn Farthing at www.nowzad.com, and to find out how Saffy helps James and Connie find the love they both deserve, read on !
Caroline x
About the Author
CAROLINE ANDERSON has the mind of a butterfly. Shes been a nurse, a secretary, a teacher, run her own soft furnishing business, and now shes settled on writing. She says, I was looking for that elusive something. I finally realised it was variety, and now I have it in abundance. Every book brings new horizons and new friends, and in between books I have learned to be a juggler. My teacher husband John and I have two beautiful and talented daughters, Sarah and Hannah, umpteen pets, and several acres of Suffolk that nature tries to reclaim every time we turn our backs! Caroline also writes for the Mills & Boon
Cherish series.
The Secret
in His Heart
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
CHAPTER ONE
SILENCE.
No bleeps, no clipped instructions or clattering instruments, no hasty footsteps. Just a blissful, short-lived hush.
James stretched out his shoulders and felt the tension drain away. The relief was incredible. He savoured it for a moment before breaking the silence.
Great teamwork, guys. Thank you. You did a good job.
Someone chuckled. Would you accept anything less?
He grinned. Fair cop, but it worked. Their critically injured patient was stabilised and on her way to Theatre, and for what seemed like the first time that day the red phone was quiet. Time to grab a break.
He glanced up at the clock. Ten to four? No wonder he was feeling light-headed. And his phone was jiggling again in his pocket.
Right, this time Im really going for lunch, he said drily. Anything less than a MAJAX, youre on your own.
There was a ripple of laughter as he tore off the thin plastic apron, dropped it in the bin with his gloves and walked out of Resus, leaving the rest of the team to clear up the chaos and restock ready for the next emergency. One of the perks of being clinical lead, he thought wryly as the door dropped shut behind him. God knows there were few enough.
He took the shortcut to the coffee shop, bought a coffee and a soft wholegrain roll stuffed with ham and salad, added a chocolate bar to boost his blood sugar and headed outside, drawing the fresh summer air deep into his lungs.
One of the best things about Yoxburgh Park Hospital was its setting. Behind the elaborate facade of the old Victorian building a modern general hospital had been created, providing the community not only with much needed medical facilities, but also a beautiful recreational area. It was green and quiet and peaceful, and he took his breaks out here whenever he could.
Not nearly often enough.
He found an empty bench under the trees and settled down to eat his lunch, pulling his phone out simultaneously to check for messages. It had jiggled in his pocket more than once in the last hour, but there were no messages, just two missed calls.
From Connie?
He frowned slightly. He hadnt heard from her in ages, and now two missed calls in the space of an hour? He felt his heart rate pick up and he called her back, drumming his fingers impatiently as he waited for the phone to connect.
She answered almost instantly, and to his relief she sounded fine.
James, hi. Sorry, I didnt mean to disturb you. Are you at work?
Yeahdoesnt matter, Im on a break now. How are you, Connie? Youve been very quiet recently. Well, not even that recently. Apart from the odd email saying nothing significant and a couple of ridiculously brief phone calls, she hadnt really contacted him since shed got back from Afghanistan after Christmas. It wasnt just her fault. He hadnt contacted her, either, and now he felt a flicker of guilt.
She laughed, the soft musical sound making him ache a little inside. Thered been a time not so long ago when shed never laughed
What, you mean Ive left you in peace, Slater?
Something like that, he said mildly. So, how are you?
Fine. Good. Great, really. Ready to move on. The silence stretched out for a heartbeat, and then she said, Actually, I need to talk to you about that.
She sounded oddly hesitant, and his radar started beeping.
Fire away.
That troubling silence again. I dont think its something we can do over the phone, she said eventually. Id thought you might be off today as its Sunday, and I thought maybe we could get together, its been a while, but obviously not if youre working. Have you got any days off coming up?
Tomorrow? Im off then for a couple of days. I dont get many weekends at the momentcrazy staffing issuesbut I can always come over and see you tomorrow evening after youve finished work if its urgent.
No, dont do that, Ill come to you. Im not working at the moment so Ive got plenty of time. And it isnt really urgent, I justI wanted to talk to you. Can I pop over in the morning?
Pop? From a hundred and thirty odd miles away? And why wasnt she working? Sure. Why dont you stay over till Tuesday, if youre free? We can catch up. And I can find out what the hells going on thats so not urgent that you have to come tomorrow morning.
Are you sure? It would be lovely but Ive got the dog, dont forget. Can you cope with that? Shes very good nowhousetrained and all that, but I cant put her in kennels at such short notice.
Had she mentioned a dog? Possibly, but it didnt matter. He had a secure garden. Shed be fine. The dog was the least of his worries.
Im sure well cope, he said. Come. Itll be lovely to see you.
Thanks. When do you want me?
Always
He crushed the inappropriate thought. Whenever youre ready, he said. Give me a call when youre an hour away, so I can be sure Im at home. Ill see you tomorrow some time.
Great. Thanks, James.
No worries. Drive carefully.
Ending the call, he ate the soft, squishy roll, drank his coffee and tasted neither. All he could think about was Connie and her non-urgent topic of conversation. He ripped the wrapper off the chocolate bar and bit into it absently.
What the hell did she want to talk to him about? He had no idea, but he was beginning to regret his invitation. He must have been crazy. His place was a mess, he had a zillion and one things to do, and catching up with Connie just wasnt on his agendaespecially not like this. The prospect of being alone with her for thirty-six hours was going to test him to the limit. Not that he wasnt looking forward to seeing her. Not at all.
Justmaybe a little too much
Crushing the cup in his hand, he headed off back to the department, his thoughts and emotions tumbling.
Connie. His old friend, his ex-colleague, and his best friends wife.
No. His best friends widow. The woman hed promised to take care of.
When it happens, James
If it happens
When it happenspromise me youll take care of her.
Of course I will, you daft bastard. It wont happen. Its your last tour. Youll be fine.
Famous last words.
The ache of loss, still raw after two years, put everything back in perspective and gave him a timely reminder of his duties and responsibilities. It didnt matter what else hed had planned, whatever his personal feelings for her, his duty to Connie came first and right now she needed him.
But apparently not urgently. Tomorrow would do.
Sheesh.
Savagely tossing the crushed cup into a bin, he strode through the door and headed back to work.
Well. Were going to see James. What do you think of that, Saffy? Do you think hell understand?
Saffy thumped her tail once, head on Connies foot, eyes alert as she peered up at her. Connie reached down a hand and stroked her gently, and Saffy groaned and rolled over, one leg lifted to reveal the vulnerable underside she was offering for a tickle.
Hussy, she crooned, rubbing the scarred tummy, and the dogs tail wagged again. She licked Connies ankle, the contact of her warm, moist tongue cementing the already close bond between them. Almost as if she understood. No, of course she didnt, Connie told herself. How could she, even though Connie had told her everything there was to tell about it all in excruciating detail.
Sorry, sweetheart, she murmured, straightening up and getting to her feet. No time for cuddles, Ive got too much to do.
If she was going to see James tomorrow, she needed to pull herself together and get ready. Do some washing so she had something other than jeans and a ratty old T shirt to wear. Pack. Make sure the house was clean and tidy before they left.
Not that it was dirty or untidy, but now the decision was made and she was going to see him, to ask him the most monumental and massive favour, she needed to do something to keep herself busy or shed go crazy.
Shed rehearsed her speech over and over again, gone through what she was going to say until shed worn it out. There was nothing left to do but clean the house, so she cleaned it until it squeaked, and then she fell into bed and slept restlessly until dawn.
God, the place was a tip.
Hed been going to tackle it last night, but as usual hed been held up by admin and hadnt got home until ten, so hed left it till this morning. Now, looking round it, he realised that had probably been a massive mistake.
He blitzed the worst of it, made up a bed for her and went back downstairs.
Better. Slightly. If he ever had any regular time off he might stand a chance, but right now that was just a distant dream. He glanced at his watch. Ten to ten. Supermarket now, or later, after shed arrived? She was an early riser but the journey would take her a good two hours.
Now, he decided, if he was quick, and ten minutes later he was standing there in the aisles and trying to remember what she liked. Was she a vegetarian?
No, of course she wasnt. He recalled watching her eating a bun crammed with roast pork and apple sauce at the Suffolk Show, the memory still vivid. It must have been the first year hed been in Yoxburgh, and Joe had been on leave.
And hed been watching her eat, his body throbbing with need as shed flicked out her tongue and scooped up a dribble of apple sauce on her chin. Hed dragged his eyes away and found Joe staring at him, an odd expression on his face.
Food envy, hed explained hastily, and Joe had laughed and bought him another roll from the hog roast stand.
Hed had to force himself to eat it, because he hadnt had food envy at all, just plain old envy. He was jealous of Joe, jealous of his best friend for being so ridiculously happy with his lovely wife. How sick was that? How lonely and empty and barren Whatever. She wasnt vegetarian, so he picked up a nice piece of fillet steak from the butchery counter, threw some other stuff into the trolley and headed home, wondering for the hundredth time what she wanted to say to him. Shed said she was ready to move on, and now it was in his head a disturbing possibility wouldnt go away.
Was there someone new in her life?
Why not? It was perfectly plausible. She was a beautiful woman, she was alone, she was free to do whatever she likedbut even the thought of her replacing the best friend a man could wish for, the kindest and most courageous man hed ever known, made him feel sick.
Dismissing the pointless speculation, he drove down Ferry Road towards the little community grouped around the harbour mouth, turned onto the gravel track that led past a little string of houses to his cottage and pulled up on the drive next to a four-wheel drive hed never seen before, just as his phone pinged.
Damn. Hed meant to be here, but she hadnt rungor had she, while hed been vacuuming the house?
Yup. There was a missed call from her, and a voice-mail.
Ive arrived. Couldnt get you on the phone earlier, but Im here now so Im walking the dog. Call me when you get home.
He dialled her number as he carried the bags into the kitchen and dumped them on the worktop, and she answered on the second ring, sounding breathless.
Hidid you get my message?
Yeah. Sorry I wasnt here, I went food shopping. Im back now. Where are you?
On the sea wall. Ill be two ticks, I can see the cottage from here, she told him, so he opened the front door and stood on the porch step scanning the path, and there she was, blonde hair flying in the breeze, a huge sandy-coloured dog loping by her side as she ran towards him, her long limbs moving smoothly as she covered the ground with an effortless stride.
God, she was lovely.
Lovelier than ever, and that took some doing. His heart lurched, and he dredged up what he hoped was a civilised smile as he went to meet her.
She looked amazing, fit and well and bursting with energy. Her pale gold hair was gleaming, her blue eyes bright, her cheeks flushed with the sea breeze and the exertion as she ran up, her smile as wide as her arms, and threw herself at him. Her body slammed into his and knocked the breath from him in every way, and he nearly staggered at the impact.
Hey, Slater!
Hey yourself, Princess, he said on a slight laugh as his arms wrapped round her and caught her tight against him. Good to see you.
You, too.
She hugged him hard, her body warm and firm against his for the brief duration of the embrace, and he hugged her back, ridiculously pleased to see her, because hed missed her, this woman of Joes. Missed her warmth and her humour, missed the laughter she carried with her everywhere she went. Or had, until shed lost Joe.
Dont tell me youre getting married againplease, dont tell me that
Swearing silently, he dropped his arms and stepped back, looking down at the great rangy hound standing panting at Connies side, tongue lolling as it watched him alertly.
SoI take it this is your rescued dog? Id pictured some little terrier or spaniel.
Connie winced ruefully. Sorry. Teensy bit bigger. This is SaffySafiya. It means best friend. Joe sort of adopted her in Afghanistan on his last tour. He was going to bring her home, butwell, he didnt make it, so I brought her back.
Typical Joe, he thought with a lump in his throat. Big tough guy, soft as lights. And hed just bet shed been his best friend, in the harsh and desolate desert, thousands of miles from home. A touch of humanity in the inhumanity of war.
He held out his hand for Saffy to sniff. She did more than sniff it. She licked it. Gently, tentatively, coming closer to press her head against his shoulder as he crouched down to her level and stroked her long, floppy ears. A gentle giant of a dog. No wonder Joe had fallen for her.
He laughed softly, a little taken aback by the trusting gesture, and straightened up again. Shes a sweetie, he said, his voice slightly choked, and Connie nodded.
She is. I had to bring her home.
Of course shed had to, because Saffy was her last link to Joe. If Joe had been soft, Connie was softer, but there was a core of steel in there, too. Hed seen plenty of evidence of that in the past few years.
Hed seen her holding herself together when Joe was deployed to Afghanistan for what was meant to be his final tour, and then again, just months later, when he came home for the last time in a flag-draped coffin
So, this is the new house, then, she said, yanking him back to the present as he opened the gate and ushered her and Saffy through it.
He hauled in a breath and put the memories away. Hardly new. Ive been here over two years. Id forgotten you hadnt seen it.
No, well, things got in the way. I cant believe its that long, she said. She looked slightly bemused, as if the time had somehow passed and shed been suspended in an emotional void. He supposed she might well have been. He had, for years. Still was in many ways, and it was a lonely place.
Take care of Connie.
Guilt ate at him. He should have been there more for her, should have looked out for her, emailed her more often, rung her. It had been months, and hed just let it drift by. Too busy, as usual, for the things that really mattered.
There didnt seem to be anything else to say, so he took her into the house, looking at it with the critical eyes of a stranger and finding it wanting. Not the house, but his treatment of it. The house was lovely and deserved better than a quick once-over as and when.
Sorry, its a bit of a mess. I havent done a great deal to it, but the people I bought it from left it in great condition so I just moved in and got on with other things. Ive been so busy I havent even unpacked the books yet.
She looked around and smiled. I can see that. You havent put any pictures up, either.
Ive got the sea. I dont need pictures, he said simply, and she turned and looked out of the window, feeling the calming effect of the breakers rolling slowly in, the quiet suck of the surf on the shingle curiously soothing.
No, I suppose you dont, she said. She glanced around again. The living space was all open, the seating area at the front of the house facing the sea, the full-width dining and kitchen area at the back overlooking the marshes and the meandering river beyond. There was an unspoilt beauty about the area, and she could absolutely see why hed bought the cottage.
Its lovely, James. Really gorgeous. I was expecting something tiny from the name.
Thrift Cottage? Theres a plant called sea thriftArmeria maritima. The gardens full of it. I dont know which came first but I imagine thats the connection. It was certainly nothing to do with the price, he said drily. Coffee?
She chuckled. Love one. I havent had my caffeine fix yet today.
Espresso, cappuccino, latte, Americano?
She blinked. Wow, you must have a fancy coffee machine.
He grinned. Some things have to be taken seriously.
So do me a flat white, she challenged, her eyes sparkling with laughter.
Typical Connie, he thought. Never take the easy route or expect anyone else to. He rolled his eyes, took the milk out of the carrier bag hed just brought home and started work while she and the dog watched his every move, Connie from the other side of the room, Saffy from her position on the floor just close enough to reach anything he might drop. Hope personified, he thought with a smile.
You do know I was a barista while I was at uni? he offered over his shoulder, the mischievous grin dimpling his lean cheek again and making her mouth tug in response.
I didnt, but it doesnt surprise me.
She watched him as he stuck a cup under the spout of the coffee machine, his broad shoulders and wide stance reminding her of Joe, and yet not. Joe had been shorter, stockier, his hair a lighter brown, and his eyes had been a muted green, unlike Jamess, which were a striking, brilliant ice-blue rimmed with navy. She noticed the touch of grey at his temples and frowned slightly. That was new. Or had she just not noticed before?
So how long did the drive take you? he asked, turning to look at her with those piercing eyes.
Just over two hoursabout two fifteen? I had a good run but I had to stop to let Saffy out for a minute.
She stepped over the dog and perched on a high stool beside him, and the light drift of her perfume teased his nostrils. He could feel her eyes on him as he foamed the milk, tapping the jug, swirling the espresso round the warmed cup before he poured the milk into it in a carefully controlled stream, wiggling the jug to create a perfect rosetta of microfoamed milk on top of the crema.
Here, he said, sliding the cup towards her with a flourish, pleased to see he hadnt lost his touch despite the audience.
Latte art? Show-off, she said, but she looked impressed and he couldnt resist a slightly smug chuckle.
He tore open a packet of freshly baked cookies from the supermarket, the really wicked ones oozing with calories. He wouldnt normally have bought them, but he knew Connie was a sucker for gooey cookies. He slid them towards her as Saffy watched hopefully.
Here. Dont eat them all.
Whatever gave you that idea? she said innocently, her smile teasing, and he felt his heart lurch dangerously.
Ive never yet met a woman who could resist triple choc chip cookies still warm from the oven.
Her eyes lit up. Are they still warm? she said, diving in, and he watched in fascination as she closed her eyes and sank her teeth into one.
He nearly groaned out loud. How could eating a cookie be so sexy?
Murgh, she said, eyes still closed, and he gave a strained chuckle and trashed his own rosetta as his hand jerked.
That good? he asked, his voice sounding rusty, and she nodded.
Oh, yes, she said, a little more intelligibly, and he laughed again, set his own coffee down on the breakfast bar and joined her on the other stool, shifting it away from her a little after hed taken a cookie from the bag.
Her eyes were open again, and she was pulling another one apart, dissecting it slowly and savouring every bit, and he almost whimpered.
He did whimper. Did he? Really?
Saffy, dont beg, she said through a mouthful of cookie, and he realised it was the dog. He heaved a quiet sigh of relief and grabbed the last cookie, as much as anything so he wouldnt have to watch her eat it.
And then, just because they had to talk about something and anyway, the suspense was killing him, he asked, So, what did you want to talk to me about?
Connie felt her heart thump.
This was it, her chance to ask him, and yet now she was here she had no ideano ideahow to do it. Her carefully rehearsed speech had deserted her, and her mind flailed. Start at the beginning, she told herself, and took a deep breath.
Umdid you realise Joe and I were having problems? she asked tentatively.
Problems?
James stared at her, stunned by that. Problems were the last thing he would have associated with them. Theyd always seemed really happy together, and Joe, certainly, had loved Connie to bits. Had it not been mutual? No, Joe would have saidwouldnt he? Maybe not.
What sort of problems? he asked warily, not at all sure he wanted to know.
Only onewell, two, if you count the fact that I spent our entire marriage waiting for the doorbell to ring and someone in uniform to tell me he was dead.
Id count that, he said gruffly. Hed felt it himself, every time Joe had been deployed on active serviceand it didnt get much more active than being a bomb disposal officer. But still, hed never really expected it to happen. Maybe Connie had been more realistic.
And the other problem?
She looked away, her expression suddenly bleak. We couldnt have children.
He frowned, speechless for a second as it sank in. He set his cup down carefully and closed his eyes. When he opened them she was watching him again, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, waiting for him to say the right thing.
Whatever the hell that was. He let out a long, slow sigh and shook his head.
Ah, Connie. Im so sorry. I didnt realise there was anything wrong. I always thought it was by choice, something youd get round to when hed finished that last tour.
except he never had
It was. She smiled a little unsteadily, and looked away again. Actually, he was going to come and see you about it when he got home.
Me? he asked, puzzled by that. I dont know anything about infertility. Youre a doctor, you probably know as much about it as I do, if not more. You needed to see a specialist.
We had. It wasnt for that. Wed had the tests, and he was the one with the problem. Firing blanks, as he put it. She grimaced a little awkwardly, uncomfortable revealing what Joe had considered a weakness, a failure, something to be ashamed of. I wanted him to tell you, but he wouldnt, not for ages. He was psyching himself up to do it when he got home, but it was so hard for him, even though you were so close.
We were, butguys dont talk about that kind of thing, Connie, especially when theyre like Joe.
I know. Its stupid, I feel so disloyal telling you because he just wouldnt talk about it. I would have told you ages ago, but he couldnt, and so nor could I because it wasnt my secret to tell.
He sighed and reached out a hand, laying it over her arm and squeezing gently. Dont feel disloyal. I loved him, too, remember. You can tell me anything you need to, and you know it wont go any further.
She nodded. I know. I just wish hed felt he could tell you.
Me, too. He sighed again and withdrew his hand. Im really sorry, Connie. That must have been so tough to deal with.
She looked down at her coffee, poking at the foam with the teaspoon, drawing little trails absently through the rosetta, and he noticed her cheeks had coloured a little.
She sucked in a slightly shaky breath. He was going to tell you, as soon as he got back. He wanted to ask you Oh, just spit it out, woman! He can only say no!
She sat up straighter and made herself look him in the eye, her heart pounding. He was going to ask you if youd consider being a sperm donor for us.
He stared at her blankly, the shock robbing him of his breath for a moment. He hauled it back in and frowned.
Me?
Theyd wanted him to give them a child?
Why me? he asked, his voice sounding strangely distant. Of all the people in the world, why me?
She shrugged. Why not? I would have thought it was obvious. He doesnt have a brother, you were his best friend, he loved and respected you. Plus youre not exactly ugly or stupid. Who better? She paused for a second, fiddled with her spoon, then met his eyes again, her own a little wary. Would you have said yes?
He shook his head to clear it, still reeling a little from the shock.
Hell, I dont know, Connie. I have no idea.
Butpossibly?
He shrugged. Maybe.
A baby? Maybe not. Most likely not.
Definitely maybe? Like, probably?
Would he? He tried to think, but he was still trying to come to terms with it and thinking seemed too hard right then.
I dont know. I really dont know. I might have considered it, I suppose, but its irrelevant now, so its hard to know how I would have reacted. But you would have been brilliant parents. Im just so sorry you never had the chance. That really sucks.
Shed shifted her attention to the cookie crumbs on the breakfast bar, pushing them around with her fingertip, and he saw her swallow. Then she lifted her head and met his eyes. Her whole body seemed to go still, as if every cell was holding its breath. And then she spoke.
What if it wasnt irrelevant now?
CHAPTER TWO
WAS THIS WHY shed wanted to see him? To ask him this?
He searched her eyes, and they didnt waver.
What are you saying, Connie? he asked quietly, but he knew already, could feel the cold reality of it curling around him like freezing fog.
He saw her swallow again. I wonderedI dont know how youll feel about it, and I know Joes not here now, butJames, I still really want a baby.
He stared at her, saw the pleading in her eyes, and he felt suddenly drenched with icy sweat. She meant it. She really, really meant it
He shoved the stool back abruptly and stood up, taking a step away on legs that felt like rubber. No. Im sorry, Connie. I cant do it.
He walked away, going out onto the veranda and curling his fingers round the rail, his hands gripping it so hard his knuckles were bleached white while the memories poured through him.
Cathy, coming into their bedroom, her eyes bright with joy in her pale face, a little white wand in her hand.
I mightve worked out why Ive been feeling rough
He heard Connies footsteps on the boards behind him, could feel her just inches away, feel her warmth, hear the soft sigh of her breath. Her voice, when she spoke, was hesitant.
James? Im sorry. I know its a bit weird, coming out of the blue like that, but please dont just say no without considering it
Her voice cracked slightly, and she broke off. Her hand was light on his shoulder, tentative, trembling slightly. It burned him all the way through to his soul.
James? Talk to me?
Theres nothing to talk about, he said, his voice hollow. Joes dead, Connie. Hes gone. Theyre all gone
Her breath sucked in softly. Do you think I dont know that? Do you really think that in the last two years I havent noticed? But Im still here, and Im alive, and Im trying to move on with my life, to rescue something from the wreckage. And you could help me do that. Give me something to live for. Please. At least think about it.
He turned his head slightly and stared at her, then looked away again. Hell, Connie, you know how to push a guys buttons. His voice was raw now, rasping, and he swallowed hard, shaking his head again to clear it, but it didnt work this time any more than it had the last.
Im sorry. I know its a bit sudden and unexpected, butyou said you would have considered it.
No, I said I might have considered it, for you and Joe. Not just for you! I cant do that, Connie! I cant just hand you a little pot of my genetic material and walk away and leave you on your own. What kind of person would that make me?
Generous? Id still be the mother, still be the primary carer, whatever. Whats the difference?
The difference? The difference is that youre on your own, and children need two parents. Theres no way I could be responsible for a child coming into the world that I wasnt involved with on a daily basis
Sowhat? You want to be involved? You can be involved
What? No! Connie, no. Absolutely not. I dont want to be a father! Its not anywhere, anyhow, on my agenda.
Not any more.
Joe said you might say that. I mean, if youd wanted kids you would have got married again, wouldnt you? But he said youd always said you wouldnt, and he thought that might be the very reason youd agree, because you might see it as the only way youd ever have a child
She trailed off, as if she knew shed gone too far, and he stared down at his stark white knuckles, his fingers burning with the tension. One by one he made them relax so that he could let go of the rail and walk away. Away from Connie, away from the memories that were breaking through his carefully erected defences and flaying him to shreds.
Cathys face, her eyes alight with joy. The first scan, that amazing picture of their baby. And then, just weeks later
No, Connie. Im sorry, butno. You dont know what youre asking. I cant. I just cant
The last finger peeled away from the railing and he spun on his heel and walked off, down the steps, across the garden, out of the gate.
She watched him go, her eyes filling, her last hope of having the child she and Joe had longed for so desperately fading with every step he took, and she put her hand over her mouth to hold in the sob and went back to the kitchen to a scene of utter chaos.
Oh, Saffy, no! she wailed as the dog shot past her, a slab of meat dangling from her jaws.
It was the last straw. Sinking down on the floor next to the ravaged shopping bags, Connie pulled up her knees, rested her head on them and sobbed her heart out as all the hopes and dreams she and Joe had cherished crumbled into dust.
It took him a while to realise the dog was at his side.
He was sitting on the sea wall, hugging one knee and staring blindly out over the water. He couldnt see anything but Connie.
Not the boats, not the seanot even the face of the wife hed loved and lost. He struggled to pull up the image, but he couldnt, not now, when he wanted to. All he could see was Connies face, the hope and pleading in her eyes as shed asked him the impossible, the agonising disappointment when hed turned her down, and it was tearing him apart.
Finally aware of Saffys presence, he turned his head and met her eyes. She was sitting beside him, the tip of her tail flickering tentatively, and he lifted his hand and stroked her.
I cant do it, Saffy, he said, his voice scraping like the shingle on the beach. I want to help her, I promised to look after her, but I cant do that, I just cant. She doesnt know what shes asking, and I cant tell her. I cant explain. I cant say it out loud.
Saffy shifted slightly, leaning on him, and he put his arm over her back and rested his hand on her chest, rubbing it gently; after a moment she sank down to the ground with a soft grunt and laid her head on her paws, her weight against him somehow comforting and reassuring.
How many times had Joe sat like this with her, in the heat and dust and horror of Helmand? He stroked her side, and she shifted again, so that his hand fell naturally onto the soft, unguarded belly, offered with such trust.
He ran his fingers over it and stilled, feeling the ridges of scars under his fingertips. It shocked him out of his grief.
Oh, Saffy, what happened to you, sweetheart? he murmured. He turned his head to study the scars, and saw feet.
Two feet, long and slim, slightly dusty, clad in sandals, the nails painted fire-engine-red. He hadnt heard her approaching over the sound of the sea, but there she was, and he couldnt help staring at those nails. They seemed so cheerful and jolly, so totally out of kilter with his despair.
He glanced up at her and saw that shed been crying, her eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, her cheeks smudged with tears. His throat closed a little, but he said nothing, and after a second she sat down on the other side of the dog, her legs dangling over the wall as she stared out to sea.
She was injured when he found her, she said softly, answering his question. They did a controlled explosion of an IED, and Saffy must have got caught in the blast. She had wounds all over her. He should have shot her, really, but he was racked with guilt and felt responsible, and the wounds were only superficial, so he fed her and put antiseptic on them, and bit by bit she got better, and she adored him. Ive got photos of them together with his arm round her in the compound. His commanding officer would have flayed the skin off him if hed known, especially as Joe was the officer in charge of the little outpost, but he couldnt have done anything else. He broke all the rules for her, and nobody ever said a word.
And you brought her home for him.
She tried to smile. I had to. I owed it to her, and anyway, hed already arranged it. Theres a charity run by an ex-serviceman to help soldiers bring home the dogs that theyve adopted over there, and it was all set up, but when Joe died the arrangements ground to a halt. Then a year later, just before I went out to Afghanistan, someone from the charity contacted me and said the dog was still hanging around the compound and did I still want to go ahead.
And of course you did. He smiled at her, his eyes creasing with a gentle understanding that brought a lump to her throat. She swallowed.
Yeah. Well. Anyway, they were so helpful. The money wasnt the issue because Joe had already paid them, it was the red tape, and they knew just how to cut through it, and she was flown home a month later, just after I left for Afghanistan. She was waiting for me in the quarantine kennels when I got home at the end of December, and shes been with me ever since, but it hasnt been easy.
No, Im sure it hasnt. Poor Saffy, he said, his hand gentle on her side, and Connie reached out and put her hand over his, stilling it.
James, Im really sorry. I didnt mean to upset you. I justit was the last piece of the puzzle, really, the last thing wed planned apart from bringing Saffy home. Wed talked about it for so long, and he was so excited about the idea that maybe at last we could have a baby. He didnt know what youd say, which way youd go, but he was hoping he could talk you into it.
And maybe he could have done, she thought, if James had meant what hed said about considering it. But now, because Joe was dead, James had flatly refused to help her because shed be alone and that was different, apparently.
You know, she said softly, going on because she couldnt just give up on this at the first hurdle, if youd said yes to him and then hed been killed in some accident, for instance, I would still have had to bring the baby up alone. What would you have done then, if Id already had a child?
I would have looked after you both, he said instantly, but you havent had a child, and Joes gone, and I dont want that responsibility.
There is no responsibility.
He stared at her. Of course there is, Connie. I cant just give you a child and let you walk off into the sunset with it and forget about it. Get real. This is my flesh and blood youre talking about. My child. I could never forget my child.
Ever
But you would have done it for us?
He shook his head slowly. I dont know. Maybe, maybe not, but Joes not here any more, and a stable, happily married couple who desperately want a baby isnt the same as a grieving widow clinging to the remnants of a dream.
But thats not what Im doing, not what this is about.
Are you sure? Have you really analysed your motives, Connie? I dont think so. And what if you meet someone? he asked her, that nagging fear suddenly rising again unbidden and sickening him. What if, a couple of years down the line, another man comes into your life? What then? Would you expect me to sit back and watch a total stranger bringing up my child, with no say in how they do it?
She shook her head vehemently. That wont happenand anyway, Im getting older. Im thirty-six now. Times ebbing away. I dont know if Ill ever be truly over Joe, and by the time I am, and Ive met someone and trust him enough to fall in love, itll be too late for me and I really, really want this. Its now or never, James.
It was. He could see that, knew that her fertility was declining with every year that passed, but that wasnt his problem. Nothing about this was his problem. Until she spoke again.
I dont want to put pressure on you, and I respect your decision. I justI would much rather it was someone Joe had loved and respected, someone I loved and respected, than an anonymous donor.
Anonymous donor? he said, his voice sounding rough and gritty to his ears.
Well, what else? If it cant be you, I dont know who else it would be. Theres nobody else I could ask, but if I go for a donor how do I know what theyre like? How do I know if theyve got a sense of humour, or any brains or integrityI might as well go and pull someone in a nightclub and have a random
Connie, for Gods sake!
She gave a wry, twisted little smile.
Dont worry, James. Its OK. Im not that crazy. I wont do anything stupid.
Good, he said tautly. And for the record, I dont like emotional blackmail.
It wasnt! she protested, her eyes filling with tears.
Really, James, it wasnt, I wouldnt do that to you. I wasnt serious. Im really not that nuts.
He wasnt sure. Not nuts, maybe, butdesperate?
When it happenspromise me youll take care of her.
Of course I will, you daft bastard. It wont happen. Its your last tour. Youll be fine.
But he hadnt been fine, and now Connie was here, making hideous jokes about doing something utterly repugnant, and he felt the weight of responsibility crush him.
Promise me you wont do anything stupid, he said gruffly.
I wont.
Nothing. Dont do anything. Not yet.
She tilted her head and searched his eyes, her brows pleating together thoughtfully. Not yet?
Not ever, because I cant bear the thought of you giving your body to a total stranger in some random, drunken encounter, and because if anybodys going to give you a baby, its me
The thought shocked him rigid. He jack-knifed to his feet and strode back to the house, his heart pounding, and after a few moments he heard the crunch of gravel behind him on the path.
Saffy was already there at his side, glued to his leg, and as he walked into the kitchen and stared at the wreckage of his shopping bags, she wagged her tail sheepishly, guilt written all over her.
A shadow fell across the room.
Ah. Sorry. I was coming to tell youshe stole the steak.
He gave a soft, slightly unsteady laugh and shook his head. Oh, Saffy. You are such a bad dog, he murmured, with so much affection in his voice it brought a lump to her throat. He seemed to be doing that a lot today.
She was starving when Joe found her. She steals because its all she knows, the only way she could survive. And it really is her only vice. Ill replace the steak
To hell with the steak, he said gruffly. Shes welcome to it. Well just have to go to the pub tonight.
Better that way than sitting alone together in his house trying to have a civilised conversation over dinner and picking their way through this minefield. Perhaps Saffy had inadvertently done them both a favour.
Well, I could have handled that better, couldnt I, Saff?
Saffy just wagged her tail lazily and stretched. James had gone shopping again because it turned out it was more than just the steak that needed replacing, so Connie was sitting on a bench in the garden basking in the lovely warm June sunshine and contemplating the mess shed made of all this.
Hed refused her offer of company, saying the dog had spent long enough in the car, and to be honest she was glad hed gone without her because it had all become really awkward and uncomfortable, and if it hadnt mattered so much she would have packed up the dog and her luggage and left.
But then hed said yet.
Dont do anything yet.
She dropped her head back against the wall of the cabin behind her and closed her eyes and wondered what hed really meant by yet.
She had no idea.
None that she dared to contemplate, anyway, in case a ray of hope sneaked back in and she had to face having it dashed all over again, but hed had a strange look about him, and then hed stalked off.
Run away?
No! Stop it! Stop thinking about it. He didnt mean anything, it was just a turn of phrase.
Maybe
She opened her eyes and looked up at the house, trying to distract herself. It was set up slightly above the level of the garden, possibly because of the threat of flooding before the sea wall had been built, but the result was that even from the ground floor there were lovely views out to sea across the mouth of the estuary and across the marshes behind, and from the bedrooms the views would be even better.
She wondered where shed be sleeping. He hadnt shown her to her room yet, but it wasnt a big house so she wouldnt be far away from him, and she felt suddenly, ridiculously uneasy about being alone in the house with him for the night.
Crazy. There was nothing to feel uneasy about. Hed stayed with them loads of times, and hed stayed the night after Joes funeral, too, refusing to leave her until he was sure she was all right.
And anyway, what was he going to do, jump her bones? Hardly, James just wasnt like that. Hed never so much as looked at her sideways, never mind made her feel uncomfortable like some of Joes other friends had.
If he had, there was no way she would have broached the sperm donor subject. Way too intimate. It had been hard enough as it was, and maybe that was why she felt uneasy. The whole subject was necessarily very personal and intimate, and shed gone wading in there without any warning and shocked his socks off.
It dawned on her belatedly that she hadnt even asked if there was anyone else who might have been a consideration in this, but that was so stupid. He was a fit, healthy and presumably sexual active man who was entitled to have a relationship with anyone he chose. Shed just assumed he wasnt in a relationship, assumed that just because hed never mentioned anyone, there wasnt anyone.
OK, so he probably wasnt getting married to her, whoever she might be, but that didnt stop him having a lover. Several, if he chose. Did he bring them back here?
She realised she was staring up at the house and wondering which was his bedroom, wondering where in the house he made love to the femme du jour, and it stopped her in her tracks.
What was she doing, even thinking about his private life? Why the hell was she here at all? How had she had the nerve to ask him to do this?
But hed said yet
She sighed and stopped staring up at the house. Thinking about James and sex in the same breath was so not the way forward, not if she wanted to keep this clinical and uninvolved. And she did. She had to, because it was complicated enough. She looked around her instead, her eye drawn again to the cabin behind her. It was painted in a lovely muted grey-green, set up slightly on stilts so it was raised above the level of the garden like the house, with steps up to the doors.
She wondered what he used it for. It might be a store room, but it seemed far too good to use as a glory-hole. That would be such a waste.
Home gym? Possibly, although he didnt have the sort of muscles that came from working out. He looked like more of a runner, or maybe a tennis player. Not that shed studied his body, she thought, frowning at herself. Why would she? But shed noticed, of course she had.
She dragged herself back to the subject. Hobbies room? She wasnt aware that he had any. James had never mentioned it, and she realised that for all shed known him for years, she hardly knew him. Not really. Not deep down. Shed met him nine years ago, worked with him for a year as his SHO, seen him umpteen times since then while shed been with Joe, but he didnt give a lot away, at least not to her. Never had.
Maybe that was how shed felt able to come down here and ask him this? Although if shed known more about how he ticked she could have engineered her argument to target his weak spot. Or had she inadvertently done that? His reaction had been instant and unmistakeable. Hed recoiled from the idea as if it was unthinkable, but then hed begun to relenthadnt he?
She wasnt sure. It would have helped if Joe had paved the way, but he hadnt, and so shed had to go in cold and blunder about in what was obviously a very sensitive area. Pushing his buttons, as hed put it. And hed said no, so shed upset him for nothing.
Except he hadnt given her a flat-out no in the end, had he? Hed said dont do anything yet. Whatever yet meant.
She sighed. Back to that again.
He didnt really need another trip to the supermarket. They could have managed. Hed just needed space to think, to work out what, if anything, he could do to stop Connie from making the biggest mistake of her life.
Or his.
He swore softly under his breath, swung the car into a parking space and did a quick raid of the bacon and sausage aisle to replace all the breakfast ingredients Saffy had pinched, then he drove back home, lecturing himself every inch of the way on how his responsibility to Connie did not mean he had to do this.
He just had to stop her doing something utterly crazy. The very thought of her with a total stranger made him gag, but he wasnt much more thrilled by the idea of her conceiving a child from a nameless donor courtesy of a turkey baster.
Hell, it could be anybody! They could have some inherited disease, some genetic disorder that would be passed on to a childa predisposition to cancer, heart disease, all manner of things. Rationally, of course, he knew that no reputable clinic would use unscreened donors, and the checks were rigorous. Very rigorous. He knew that, but even so
What would Joe have thought about it? If hed refused, what would Joe and Connie have done next? Asked another friend? Gone to a clinic?
It was irrelevant, he told himself again. That was then, this was now, this was Connie on her own, fulfilling a lost dream. God knows what her motives were, but he was pretty sure she hadnt examined them in enough detail or thought through the ramifications. Somehow or other he had to talk her out of it, or at the very least try. He owed it to Joe. Hed promised to take care of her, and he would, because he kept his promises, and hed keep this one if it killed him.
Assuming shed let him, because her biological clock was obviously ticking so loud it was deafening her to reason. And as for his crazy reaction, that absurd urge to give her his babyand without the benefit of any damn turkey baster
Swearing viciously under his breath, he pulled up in a slew of gravel, and immediately he could hear Saffy yipping and scrabbling at the gate.
Do you reckon she can smell the shopping? Connie asked, smiling tentatively at him over the top, and he laughed briefly and turned his attention to the shopping bags, wondering yet again how on earth he was in this position. Why she hadnt warned him over the phone, said something, anything, some little hint so he hadnt been quite so unprepared when shed just come out with it, though quite how she would have warned him
Probably, he said drily. I think Id better put this lot away in the fridge pronto. I take it she cant open the fridge?
She hasnt ever done it yet.
Dont start now, he said, giving the dog a level stare immediately cancelled out by a head-rub that had her shadowing him into the kitchen.
Connie followed him, too, hesitating on the threshold. James, Im really sorry. I didnt mean to put you in a difficult position.
He paused, his hand on the fridge door, and looked at her over his shoulder. You didnt, he said honestly. Joe did. It was his idea. You were just following up on it.
I could have let it go.
So why didnt you?
Her smile was wry and touched with sadness. Because I couldnt, she answered softly, not while there was any hope, and he straightened up and shut the fridge and hugged her, because she just looked so damned unhappy and there was nothing he could do to make it better.
No amount of taking care of her was going to sort this out, short of doing what shed asked, and he wasnt sure he would ever be able to do that, despite that visceral urge which had caught him off guard. Or because of it? Just the thought of her pregnant with his child
He let her go, easing her gently away with his hands on her shoulders and creating some much-needed distance between them, because his thoughts were suddenly wildly inappropriate, and the graphic images shocked him.
Why dont you stick the kettle on and well have a cup of tea, and then we can take Saffy for a walk and go to the pub for supper.
Are we still going? I thought youd just been shopping.
He shrugged. I didnt bother to get anything for tonight. The pub seemed like a good ideaunlessis Saffy all right to leave here while we eat?
She stared at him for a second, as if she was regrouping.
Yes, shes fine. Ive got a big wire travelling crate I use for herits a sort of retreat. I leave the door open all day so she can go in there to sleep or get away from it all, and I put her in there at night.
Because you dont trust her?
Not entirely, she said drily. Still early days, and she did pinch the steak and the sausages.
The crate it is, then. He smiled wryly, then glanced at his watch. Why dont we bring your luggage in and put it in your room while the kettle boils? I would have done it before but things ran away with us a little.
Didnt they just? she thought.
He carried the dogs crate, she carried her overnight bag and the bag of stuff for Saffyfood, toys, blanket. Well, not a blanket, really, just an old jumper of Joes shed been unable to part with, and then when Saffy had come home shed found a justification for her sentimental idiocy.
Can we leave the crate down here? she asked. Shell be fine in the kitchen, shes used to it.
Sure. Come on up, Ill give you a guided tour. Itll take about ten seconds. The house isnt exactly enormous.
It wasnt, but it was lovely. There were doors from the entrance hall into the ground floor living space, essentially one big L-shaped room, with a cloakroom off the hallway under the stairs, and the landing above led into three bedrooms, two doubles and a single, and a small but well-equipped and surprisingly luxurious bathroom.
He showed her into the large bedroom at the front, simply furnished with a double bed, wardrobe and chest of drawers. There was a pale blue and white rug on the bare boards between the bed and the window, and on the edge of it was a comfy armchair, just right for reading in. And the bed, made up in crisp white linen, sat squarely opposite the windowperfect for lying there drinking early morning tea and gazing out to sea.
She crossed to the window and looked left, over the river mouth, the current rippling the water. The window was open and she could hear the suck of the sea on the shingle, the keening of the gulls overhead, and if she breathed in she could smell the salt in the air.
Oh, James, its lovely, she sighed.
Everyone likes this room. He put her bag down and took a step towards the door. Ill leave you to settle in.
No need. I travel light. Itll take me three seconds to unpack.
She followed him back out onto the landing and noticed another flight of stairs leading up.
So whats up there? she asked.
My room.
He didnt volunteer anything else, didnt offer to show it to her, and she didnt ask. She didnt want to enter his personal space. Not under the circumstances. Not after her earlier speculation about his love life. The last thing she needed was to see the bed he slept in. So she didnt ask, just followed him downstairs, got her walking boots out of the car and put them on.
In your own time, Slater, she said lightly, and he gave her one of those wry smiles of his and got off the steps and led her and Saffy out of the gate.
CHAPTER THREE
SHE PUT SAFFY on a lead because she didnt really want to spend half the evening looking for her if she ran off, but the dog attached herself to James like glue and trotted by his side, the lead hanging rather pointlessly across the gap between her and Connie.
Faithless hound.
So, where are we going? she asked, falling in beside them.
I thought we could go along by the river, then cut inland on the other side of the marshes and pick up the lane. Itll bring us out on the sea wall from the other direction. Its about three miles. Is that OK?
Sounds good.
The path narrowed on top of the river wall, and she dropped back behind him, Saffy still glued to his heels, and in the end she gave him the lead.
You seem to have a new friend, she said drily, and he glanced down at the dog and threw her a grin over his shoulder.
Looks like it. Is that a problem?
No, of course not, she said promptly. Im glad she likes you. She does seem to like men, I expect because shes been used to them looking after her out in Helmand, but shell have to get over it when we go home tomorrow. I hope it wont unsettle her.
Do you think it might?
I dont know. I hope not. Shes doing so well.
Apart from the thieving, he said drily, and she gave a guilty chuckle.
Yeah, well. Apart from that.
They walked in silence for a while by the muddy shallows at the edge of the river, and then as they turned inland and headed uphill, he dropped back beside her and said, So, how was Afghanistan? You havent really told me anything about it.
No. It was a bit strange really. A bit surreal, but Im glad I went. The facilities at Camp Bastion are fantastic. The things they do, what they achievefor a field hospital its unbelievable. Did you know its got the busiest trauma unit in the world?
Im not surprised. Most of them arent in an area that has conflict.
No. No, they arent. And I found that aspect really difficult.
Because of Joe?
She nodded. Sort of. Because of all of them, really. I had second thoughts about going, after he died. I didnt know how Id feel facing the stark reality of it, but I realised when the first wave of grief receded that I still wanted to go. There was so much I wanted to try and understand, such as why it was necessary, why hed gone in the first place, what hed been trying to achieve.
And did you?
No. No, I still dont understand, not really. I dont think I ever will and Im not sure I want to. People killing each other, maiming each otherit all seems so pointless and destructive. There must be a better way than all this senseless violence.
It must have been really hard for you, Connie, he said, his voice gentle. Very close to home.
She nodded slowly, remembering the shock of seeing the first casualties come in, the realisation that this was it, this was what really happened out there. It was. Id seen videos, had training, but I hadnt really understood what it was like for him until then. Seeing the injured lads there, though, fighting so hard to save themit brought it all home to me, what hed gone through, the threat hed faced every day, never knowing when or if it might happen to him. That was tough.
Im sure. He mentioned you were talking about going. I got the feeling he didnt like it much.
No, he didnt. I dont think he wanted to be worrying about me while he was trying to do his job, and hed tried to put me off when I joined the Territorial Army as a volunteer doctor four years ago, but I thought, if Joe can do it, so can I. Not in the same way, but to do something, to do some goodand Im glad I did, even though it was tough, because its an incredible experience as a doctor.
They fell silent for a while, then she went on, Its amazing what they can do there, you know, saving people that in civilian medicine we simply couldnt save because we just dont get to them fast enough or treat them aggressively enough when we do.
He followed her lead and switched the conversation to practical medical aspects. So what would you change about the way we do things here?
Speed. Blood loss. Thats the real killer out there, so stopping that fast is key, and transfusions. Massive transfusions. We gave one guy a hundred and fifty units of whole blood, plasma, plateletsyou name it. No mucking about with saline and colloids, its straight in with the blood products. And total body scans, the second theyre stable enough to go, so they can see exactly whats wrong and treat it. We should really be doing that with multiple trauma, because its so easy to miss something when theres loads going on.
He nodded. If only we could, but we just dont have the resources. And as for the time issuewe lose people so often because they just get to us too slowly.
Oh, they do. We have the golden hour. They have the platinum ten minutesthey fly out a consultant-led team, scoop them up and bring them back and theyre treating them aggressively before the helicopters even airborne. Every soldier carries a tourniquet and is trained to use it in an emergency, and its made so much difference. They save ninety per cent of multiple trauma patients, where in the rest of the world we save about twenty per cent. And I realised that if Joe died despite everything they were able to throw at him, it was because he was unsaveable. That was quite cathartic.
He nodded slowly. I can imagine it would be. So, will you go again?
No, she said softly. Im glad I went, because it helped me let go of Joe, but Ive done it now, and Ive said goodbye and Ive left the TA. I need to move on. I have other goals now.
A baby, for one.
He went quiet for a while, then turned his head and looked at her searchingly.
So how come you arent working at the moment?
She gave him a fleeting smile and looked away again. I wondered if youd ask that. I could blame it on Saffy, say shed taken a lot of time, a lot of training, and in a way its true, but really shes just an excuse. I guess I wasI dont know Taking time out to regroup, maybe? I worked solidly for the first year after he died, and I didnt give myself time to think, and then I went off to Afghanistan and put even more pressure on myself. That was a mistake, and by the time I got back after Christmas I was wiped. I needed time just to breathe a bit and work out where I go from here. A bit of a gap year, in a way. So I took itor a few months, anyway. Just to try and make some sense of it.
She made herself meet his eyes again, and found a gentle understanding in them. Yeah. I did that after Cathy died. Took a gap year and grabbed the world by the throat, trying to make sense of it.
Did it help?
He thought back to the aching emptiness, the people hed met whod scarcely registered in the haze of grief that had surrounded him. No. I dont know. Maybe.
Maybe not. It took me away from it, but when I came back it was still there, lurking in wait. The grief, the loneliness.
It was the closest hed ever got to talking about Cathy, so she pushed a little more, to see if hed open up further.
She had cancer, didnt she?
The shadows in his eyes darkened. Yes. One minute she was fine, the next she was dying.
Connie felt her heart ache for him. Oh, James. It must have been dreadful watching that.
He could see her now, the image crystal clear, pale as a ghost against the crisp white sheets, trying to smile at him, the small, neat curve of her doomed pregnancy so prominent in that thin frame.
It was, he said simply.
They reached the lane then, and he led the way, walking in single file for a while, facing the oncoming traffic.
Convenient, she thought, since it meant they couldnt talk. Far from opening up, hed shut down again, so she left him alone, just following on behind until they reached the sea wall again and turned left towards the harbour and the little community clustered around the river mouth.
As they drew nearer they passed a house, a sprawling, ultra-modern house clad in cedar that had faded to silver. It was set in a wonderful garden on the end of the little string of properties, and there were children playing outside on the lawn, running in and out of a sprinkler and shrieking happily, and a woman with a baby on her hip waved to him.
He waved back, and turned to Connie as they walked on. Thats Molly. She and her husband used to own my house. They outgrew it.
I should think they did. There were a lot of children there.
Oh, theyre not all hers, he said with a fleeting smile. The babys theirs and shes got a son of about twelve, I think, and theyve got another little one. The others will be her sister-in-laws. They didnt want to move away from here, but with two children and room for her painting they were struggling for space, as you can imagine, and then that house came on the market and David pounced on it.
Its an amazing house. They must have had a stash of cash somewhere or a lottery win.
He chuckled, the sombre mood seeming to slip away. Oh, it didnt look like that when they bought it, but I dont think theyre exactly strapped. Davids a property developer and he part-owns a chain of boutique hotels in Australia. His fathers a local building contractor, and they extended the house massively. Shes got a great studio space and gallery there, and theyve done a lovely job of it. Theyre nice people. Good neighbours.
She wondered what it must be like to live in one place long enough to get to know your neighbours. Shed moved so much with Joe, shifting from one base to another, never putting down roots, and it hadnt been much better in her childhood. She envied James the stability of his life, even if he was alone. Not that she knew that for sure, she reminded herself.
He cut down off the sea wall to his garden gate and held it for her. Right, I need a shower, and then shall we go over to the pub? I havent had anything but those cookies since breakfast and Im starving.
Me, too, but I need to feed the dog. You take the bathroom first.
No need. Ive got my own upstairs.
She felt the tension shed been unaware of leave her. So, no sharing a bathroom, no awkward moments of him tapping on the door or her being caught in the hall with dripping hair.
Heavens, what was wrong with her? This was James!
Half an hour? he suggested.
Thats fine. Ill feed Saffy first.
He disappeared up the stairs, and she fed the dog and put her in the crate, not taking any chances while she was getting ready to go out. This would not be the diplomatic time to find out that Saffy could, indeed, open the door of the fridge.
She put her hair up in a knot and showered quickly, then contemplated her clothes. She hadnt really brought anything for going out, it hadnt occurred to her, but it was only the pub and shed got a pretty top that would do. She put it on over her cropped jeans, let her hair down and then put on some makeup. Not much, just a touch of neutral eyeshadow, a swipe of mascara and a clear, shimmery lipgloss. Just enough to hide behind.
Stupid woman, she muttered. They were going to the local pub for a quick meal to make up for the fact that Saffy had stolen the steak. It wasnt an interview, and it sure as hell wasnt a date.
Not even remotely!
So why did she feel so nervous?
She looked gorgeous.
She wasnt dressed up, but shed put on a little bit of makeup and a fine, soft jersey top that draped enticingly over her subtle curves.
She wasnt over-endowed, but she was in proportion, and when she leant forward to pick up her drink the low neckline fell away slightly, just enough to give him a tantalising glimpse of the firm swell of her breasts cradled in lace.
Fine, delicate lace, the colour of ripe raspberries.
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