The Man from Her Past
Anna Adams
It's taken five years for Cassie Warner to come to terms with the violent act that shattered her life and resulted in the end of her marriage to Van Haddon. Now, for the sake of her ailing father, she's returned to Honestybringing with her the secret that resulted from the fateful night.Cassie knows showing up with her daughter will make her the object of scandalized whispers, but she still hopes to avoid Van. Because even though their marriage has ended, it doesn't mean their feelings for each other have.
The Man from Her Past
Anna Adams
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
To Robert and Alice, and the love between you that still makes the lives around you richer.
And to Uncle Cecil and Aunt Mary, Aunt Dorothy and Aunt Bertha. Your strength was mine. Your love kept me floating. Your kindness heals my heart. Thank you will never be enough, but if love countswell, I sure do love you all, my other parents.
Contents
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
EPILOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
THUNDER CREPT across the sky, building strength to rattle Van Haddons house. Rain and wind slapped at him so hard he hunched over as he climbed the wooden porch steps at the end of yet another business trip.
He used to love his job. For the past eleven months, hed traveled at the drop of a hat, met with any financial client who seemed likely to sign on with him and all but begged for new business.
Getting into his house wasnt easy. He found the lock, despite the darkness of a storm-induced blackout, but another crack of thunder broke over his head. He jerked his hand, and the key came back out.
Faintly, he heard the telephones insistent ring.
Van wiped rain off his face and tried again to get inside. Lightning flashed on the lock. He twisted the key and then kicked the front door open, shoving his carry-on out of the way as he grabbed the phone off a hall table. Hello?
Van, Tom Drake here. The other man didnt have to add that he was the sheriff. Everyone who lived in the small town of Honesty, Virginia, knew who the sheriff was.
Van shouldered the door shut. Whats up, Tom? He kept his tone carefully neutral. After two days of explaining a portfolio to a possible client whod decided not to invest with him, hed been grateful for the powerful December winds that had given the plane a boost all the way from San Diego. But as soon as hed landed, all hell had broken loose. The storm had boiled over, and he couldnt forget last springs disastrous lightning strike that had burned down his sisters fishing lodge.
Something wrong with Beth or her family?
Beth and Eli are fine. In fact, I even think her new husbands home this week. Im calling about Leo Warne.
Static broke up the words between syllables, but at Leos name, Van let go of the strap on his laptop bag. It slid down his arm. He caught it and set the bag on the floor, shrugging out of his soaked coat at the same time.
Leo? Hed been Vans mentor, then his father-in-law and finally a walking wake-up call to his conscience.
Hes out here on the Mecklin Road Bridge. And I do mean out here. Half-dressed in a ratty shirt and boxers, cowering against the guardrail, scared out of his wits. He wont let us help him.
Help him what? Van loosened his tie and undid his top collar button. Five years ago, his ex-wife, Cassie, had left town, warning both her father and Van not to contact her again. Leo had soon suggested Van stay away from him, too.
Theyd last seen each other a year ago in the canned vegetable aisle at Elljays Market. One glance and theyd gone their separate ways.
Only family could be so cruel.
Im having no luck talking him into an ambulance, Tom said. Hes asking for his wife. He called me a liar when I said she was dead.
I dont understand. Victoria had died while being treated for pneumonia when Cassie was fifteen.
Its his mind, his memory. Somethings wrong. He hasnt asked for Cassie, but he finally remembered you. I tried to make him see youd want us to help him, but he wont move unless you come.
Me? Shock spotlighted the small things around him. Mail that had piled up. A picture of his nephew on a skateboard in midair. An unfolded, overdue bill for the credit card he used for travel expenses.
But he couldnt see Leoalways in charge, dressed to the extremes of elegancescared and nearly naked on a bridge in a storm that could literally kill him.
At seventy-three, Leo had retired as president of Honesty Bank & Trust soon after Cassie had left. Ashamed of what had happened to her, hed disappeared from the towns life.
Van couldnt explain anyone elses reasons, but he had let Leo go because hed hated the other mans shame.
Hell. He couldnt go on resenting Leo when he needed help. Van checked his pockets for his cell phone. Im on my way.
Hurry. Im afraid hell jump.
Thunder jolted the house. A keening screamunbearable and hardly recognizable as Leos voiceseemed to form inside Vans head. Take my cell number in case you need it. He gave it to Tom and then hung up.
Without a coat, without locking the door, with nothing except fear that Leo had gone insane, Van ran back into the storm.
He jumped into the car, switched on the engine and jammed the gas pedal. All the way down the driveway, the trees bent low, their branches open hands grasping at his roof. He skidded onto the main road.
How could he talk Leo off that bridge?
A truck crossed into his lane. Swearing, Van swerved around it.
Someone had to tell Cassie.
Someone.
Who was he kidding? Hed have to tell Cassie. Never mind that shed long since stopped caring enough to even hate him.
The attack had done that to them. Attack. That was one way to put ita way that let him face himself. Hed been away on business. Shed been home alone, and shed left the bathroom window open, no more than half an inch, to air out the steam.
Half an inch.
He hit the steering wheel with his fist. Half an inch of air had changed Cassie forever, had forced a space like thousands of miles between them.
Hed tried to reach her, but shed shut him out, lumping him with her father, whod avoided her after that night. After shed gone, Van had wanted to resent her, but he couldnt lie to himself. Hed owed her more than just love.
Blue lights slashed the sky. Van slowed as he neared the bridge. Clouds ambushed the moon and swallowed its reflection. Blinking red bulbs beneath the bridge flashed a warning to shipping on the river. Behind Van, an 18-wheeler drew close enough to illuminate the men milling in front of the emergency vehicles.
Van parked behind a fire-and-rescue truck. As he parted the crowd with his hands, rain poured down his face, and lightning made him flinch.
Leo? He searched for the other man, yelling his name. Why hadnt someone in this thicket of blue-and-yellow-coated rescue workers scooped Leo up and run him to the hospital?
At last Van saw Tom. Four paramedics flanked the sheriff, two on each side. They all turned. Trey Lockwood, a longtime family friend, lifted his hand toward Van. Behind Trey, about thirty feet onto the bridge, Van glimpsed Leos grizzled, frightened face above bony knees tucked close against his chest.
Sick to his stomach, Van shoved past the other men, but Tom took his arm. Every time we try to get near him he backs out of reach, or wed have grabbed him. He could stand up and jump at any moment.
Ill get him. If he had to dive into that dark water in Leos wake, he wasnt about to tell Cassie hed let her father die.
He may not know you. Tom had to yell over the weather and the noise of men and idling engines.
Van shook his head. Does it matter? If we dont get him off this bridge, hell die, anyway.
Somebody get this man a coat, Tom said.
If he waited for a jacket, he might just end up wearing it to a funeral. Leo. Edging closer, he left the knot of rescuers behind. His hands shook. He tried to look as if he were offering help, but hed just as happily jerk the other man to safety.
Go away. Leo turned his face toward the concrete guard rail.
I cant. Hed been doing that for five years, and he was lucky Leo hadnt died. Were still family. We were friends before Cassie and I even looked at each other.
She loved you from day one.
Shed stopped easily enough. Van reached for the bridge railing, distracting Leo because it was easy to make the sick man follow his hand. Rain and wind gusted around them. Water rushed past the bridge supports below, but the voices behind them had quieted.
Cassies my little girl. Victoria will take care of her.
Van reached for the back of his collar as if something had slithered down his spine. It was one thing to hear Leo was sick, but another to see it.
So he lied. Anything to get his friend off this bridge. Let me take you to them.
I remember. Leos hoarse voice suggested a sore throat and congestion. He pressed his fists into his eyes.
Let me help.
I dont want to remember.
Just remember me long enough to trust me.
Leo lifted eyes that refused to focus. You look funny. Not like you used to.
Five years of loneliness changed any man. Im older.
Older? His voice trailed off as if he didnt understand the word. He leaned harder against the bridge. Bring me Victoria. Her name, something familiar, comforted him. You cant help.
I cant get Victoria.
Im not the one whos crazy here. Bracing his hand on the concrete, drawing himself up on one knee, Leo resurrected a semblance of his old dignity. Shes not dead.
He pointed at a paramedic on Toms left. Like he said. Wouldnt I know? With a bone-shaking cough, he sank back to the pavement, his legs folding like matchsticks.
Van hurried at least five feet closer.
Victoria Leos gasp was desperate. Shed never leave. He jabbed the air in front of Van, his bent finger shaking. You find her. Now.
Youre freezing and sick, and this rain is making you worse.
Get away from me. He waved a wasted arm.
You taught me my job. You probably taught me how to be a man. You would have been my best friend all my life. Only vaguely aware of the men behind them, he didnt care what they thought. You were like my father once. Let me walk you off this bridge.
Im not sick. The bones in his scrawny throat moved up and down. Youll drag me straight to the hospital, and people die there. Ive seen it. He frowned in confusion.
He had to mean Victoria, but maybe the memory was too painful to face. Arent you hungry? Van prayed Leos weight loss came from forgetting about mealtimes, rather than a serious illness. Lets get something to eat, a hot drink. Well talk all night, the way we used to.
Leo shook his head. His mouth moved, but no sound came out.
Van took a chance and moved in, slipping a hand beneath the other mans arm. God, his bones. Come with me. Well find you a coat and some food.
Awareness slowly lit Leos dull expression. His chin dipped to his chest. Dont tell Cassie. She doesnt speak to me. He lowered his voice. Van had to bend all the way down to hear. Not in years.
Van patted his arm, the way he would a childs. She doesnt talk to me, either, but Ill call her tonight. Ill make her listen.
She hates me.
Youre wrong about that. Shell tell you. He couldnt meet Leos eyes. Who knew how Cassie felt about either of them? Come sit in my car.
I dont have to sit in one of those trucks? I hate those lights. They get inside my head. He pressed his hands to his wet hair, trying to squeeze out the strobing flashes.
Van looked to the paramedics, who were inching closer, coiled to spring. No one offered advice. Could Leo be reacting to medication? Was that wishful thinking? If only hed been around enough to know.
The lights bother me, too, but my cars pretty dark. See if you feel better there.
Leo got halfway to his feet, but as Van was on the verge of shouting with relief, the older man collapsed against him. Dont let me die in that hospital.
Van tried again to help him stand. What happened to Victoria was a fluke. You know most people get help in a hospital. And you need help. He refused to let Leo brush his hands away.
Theyll kill me. I know.
Ill go with you. Van made a production of wiping his nose. Im not feeling too great, either.
Leo squinted through the rain soaking his face. Are you sick, too?
I think so. Hed rarely felt more torn up. Hed given Cassie the divorce shed demanded and gone meekly away as shed asked. Hed lost track of her father, and he couldnt find his old friend in this shell of a man. How about if we both go with these guys? He pointed at the EMTs. Theyll check us out on the way.
He coughed, feeling ludicrous, but Leo let him help him all the way up. Im freezing, Van said.
I might be a little cold, too.
They shuffled, arms around each other, toward the ambulance. The paramedics closed in on Leo, seized his arms and began moving him at rapid speed. He searched over his shoulder for Van, desperation naked on his face.
Van wiped his eyes and then checked to make sure no one else had noticed. He and Leo had been close since hed first marched into the bank to ask for an internship. He trotted to catch up. Can I ride along? he asked the nearest EMT, who turned out to be Trey.
Sure, if itll ease Mr. Warnes mind.
You need to check him, too, Leo said.
The other guy looked at Van, who shook his head slightly.
The ambulance distracted Leo. He climbed onto it, slowly taking in the noise and machines. One of his rescuers eased him onto a stretcher. Immediately, the driver got in the front, and Trey and another EMT started treating Leo.
Van sat out of the way on the opposite side of the ambulance. Trey and his partner contacted the hospital, started an IV, and reported Leos symptoms and vitals.
From between the two men, Leos hand suddenly jutted out, splayed like a frightened childs. Van caught it and folded the gnarled, trembling fingers into his palm.
IN THE KIND HEART womans shelter in Tecumseh, Washington, Cassie Warne was carrying a tray of cookies and milk to her office to share with her daughter when a man crashed through the locked double doors behind her in a hail of splinters and broken wood.
Cassie turned, transfixed by chunks of the door clattering at her feet. At first she thought the man was brandishing a baseball bat, but it was a metal battering ram.
He snarled a name Cassie couldnt hear. She didnt ask him to repeat it. Women and children going about the business of getting settled for the night, froze. The man searched them for the one he wanted, and Cassies instinct took over.
She never let herself dwell on that night five years ago. It had happened, like her mothers death, and her broken arm on her eleventh birthday. It was only a fact, but it had changed her.
She needed no one and no one would ever hurt her or anyone who depended on her.
The tray slipped from her hands. The plate and glasses smashed. Vaguely aware of glass shards on the floor among the bits of broken wood, she felt time jerk to a start again.
Cassie threw herself at the man, praying her four-year-old daughter would stay in the office, out of sight.
Silently, she swung the edge of her foot into the mans belly. Though her own stomach heaved, she never looked away from his eyes. Shed seen rage like thatuninhibited, unstinting fury in a face looming over her one night when Van had been in D.C. or Milwaukee or Fresno. Somewhere other than their tiny apartment bedroom.
With a cartoon oof, the man backed away, doubling over. His battering ram fell to the floor and scattered the wood and glass.
Please, she thought, let him stop now. Dont make me do anything else.
He straightened with a feral snarl.
Crying because she didnt want to do it, Cassie pointed her elbow into his throat. Her martial arts instructors had taught her to yell, supposedly to strike fear into an attacker and bolster her strength. She needed nothing but the will to hurt another human being. Still she felt sick as the man began to choke.
And damn him. He kept coming.
She was crying as the heel of her palm rammed his nose into his skull. Blood on her hands gagged her as he dropped, unconscious.
She hovered, ready, trembling from head to toe.
Mommy?
Hope.
Cassie turned, gathering herself as if shed also been broken into pieces. She rubbed her arm across her eyes and her mouth, trying to erase any trace of the violence that had adrenaline bubbling in her veins.
Gripping the office door, Hope pointed at Cassies shirt. A scream poured out of her throat.
Cassie looked down. The blood snapped her straight back to reality.
Im okay. She tore the shirt off. Im all right, baby.
Hope rushed her. Cassie knelt and scooped her daughter into her arms. The police, she said to the nearest woman. She threw her shirt far away. In her bra and jeans, she was wearing more than some of the clients whod shown up at their doors.
She cuddled Hope, keeping her as safe as she could from scary things. Were all okay, baby. To herself, she sounded calm while her heartbeat shook her whole body. In a few minutes, Hopes crying faded to a whimper.
Wanna go home, Mommy. Bad, bad man. As she pointed at him with a four-year-olds contempt, sirens sounded.
Put this on. Liza, one of Cassies partners, dropped a faded Tecumseh PD T-shirt over Cassies shoulder. Another woman must have worn it into the shelter. Cassie pulled it over her head, and Hope helped her yank it down.
You hurt that bad man, Mommy.
I know. She seriously wanted to bury her head. It was scary.
Im glad you hurt him.
She didnt know what to say. Normally, its not nice to hit people would do, but the man had come bent on hurting someone in the shelter. She couldnt let that happen.
Cassie cradled Hopes chin. Violence had changed Cassies life forever, and shed tried to make sure the past wasnt part of her present with Hope. I dont like hurting anyone, baby, but that man wanted to be mean to someone here. Of their own volition, her thoughts returned to that other bad man, and she hated the fear that whispered through her in a warning.
Unconditional love looked out of Hopes blue eyes.
I wont ever scare you if I can help it, Cassie said. Her daughter meant everything to her.
You didnt look like my mommy.
Cassie hugged her tight. Someday shed teach Hope the self-defense shed made every shelter employee learn, but she didnt want her daughter to think of her as a woman who beat people up.
She went blank when she tried to think what else she should have done.
Two policemen, guns drawn, barged through the splintered doorway and stopped in front of the unconscious man.
Only then did Cassie realize one woman had picked up his battering ram and another stood over him with a raised chair.
More concerned about the guns, she turned Hopes face into her chest.
Dangers over. Liza pointed at his revolver. You can put that away. We dont like the children to see them.
The police both holstered their weapons. What happened? asked the one shed spoken to.
He busted in with this. She eased the battering ram out of the womans hand. And my friend stopped him from getting any further.
Which friend? the second cop asked.
Cassie stood, lifting Hope onto her hip. He said someones name, but I didnt catch it. She searched the suspicious glances of the women and children around them. Anyone know him?
I do, the second cop said. Hes a fireman. I cant remember his name, but we worked together last year when the county put on that disaster training.
No one else claimed him.
The downed man began to stir and the first policeman cuffed him. He nodded at Cassie. He wasnt looking for you?
Shaking her head, she hugged Hope closer. I work here.
Shes a partner, Liza said. Im Liza Crane. This is Cassie Warne. We have another partner, Kim Fontaine, but she works day hours.
So did Cassie, but Hope had been out of school for a teacher in-service day. For the first time in Hopes short preschool career, Cassie had forgotten to arrange for backup day care.
Between them, the police officers dragged the man to his feet. Catching sight of Cassie, he lunged.
Bitch.
She backed up, turning Hope away from him.
Bad man. Her daughter burrowed her face into Cassies shirt.
WITH A TRACE of leftover nerves-on-alert, Cassie hurried Hope into their town house four hours later. She locked the door and shut out the world. Her haven of overstuffed chairs and verdant plants and overflowing bookshelves let her breathe again.
She sought the familiar. Prints from museums shed visited when she could only stare at walls and pray not to scream. Framed pieces of Hopes artwork, going all the way from scrawls and handprints to the big faces with stringy hands and feet she favored lately.
No bad men here. Hope slid from Cassies arms and ran to her room, all order restored in her world.
Cassie breathed easier. The event had only scared Hope for a little while. It hadnt changed her life.
Setting the dead bolt on the front door, Cassie activated the alarm system. Are you hungry?
Can we have eggs and cheese? All stirred up together?
Perfect. Comfort food.
Cassie went to the kitchen. Hope skipped in while she was pulling the mixing bowl out of a cabinet.
Wait for me, Mommy. You know Im posed to help.
It wouldnt taste the same without you.
Cassie broke eggs into a bowl. Hope whisked them all over the kitchen counter and the sink, and Cassie mixed up chocolate milk. They toasted each other while a golden pat of butter sizzled in the iron skillet Cassie had taken from her childhood home.
That man doesnt know where we live?
Cassie shook her head. And the police wont let him out, anyway.
Hope set her glass on the counter and then wrapped her arms around Cassies thighs. Cassie leaned down and hugged her tight. And that seemed to be the end of it all.
Ill get that peach stuff Mrs. Kleiber made me. Hope hurried to the fridge for a jar of preserves their neighbor made for her every year.
Cassie dropped bread into the toaster slots, grateful for Hopes resilience. How hungry are we after such a long day?
The phone cut into Hopes answer. As Cassie lifted the receiver, she saw that their machine had recorded eleven messages. Without bothering to look at the caller ID, she said hello.
Cassie?
That voice. Low, more uncertain than shed ever heard it, but rich and familiar as his touch had once been. She shivered as memories of his hands on her body made her ache, arms and legs, heart and soul.
In a night of shocks, this one made her grab the edge of the counter.
Van? Shed read in romances that a man could make a woman light-headed enough to faint. But those women had been bound in Jane Austen finery. She was still sporting splinter-laden jeans and a Tecumseh PD T-shirt. Van.
Shed loved him. She couldnt remember a time when she hadnt, but shed had to leave him because he couldnt love her after shed been raped.
CHAPTER TWO
MOMMY?
She shook her head at Hope, urging the girl she loved more than her own life to keep quiet.
Whats wrong? Cassie couldnt control the huskiness in her voice. Hope stared. Cassie cleared her throat. Van shouldnt matter this much after five years. How did you get my number?
From your father.
Her heart tap-danced. Something must be horribly wrong. Why are you calling?
Its your dad, he said. The cops and paramedics found him on the Mecklin Road Bridge. He didnt recognize them. He called for your mother. He waited, as if to let it sink in.
It did with a thud. He didnt know she was dead?
Eventually he remembered. Maybe Van kept stopping because he didnt know what to say. She didnt know what to say. Of all the scenarios shed imagined drawing her home, this was the one she really hadnt wanted to face. Im sorry, Van said.
How bad is he? Her grandmother had died after battling Alzheimers disease. Her father had deeply feared a similar fate. Is this a one-night problem, or could it be my grandmothers illness?
I dont know. Vans weariness scared her more than his words.
Mommy?
Everythings all right. Straightening, she yanked the frying pan off the burner and spoke firmly, to comfort her child and to keep Van from guessing she was talking to a little one.
Hope, whod been through too much, misunderstood and ran to her room. Cassie followed her into the hall. She couldnt explain Van to Hope or her to him.
I have to come home. Shed been raised by a loving mother and a responsible father whod taught her to think of others. Rarely had she been selfish in her lifenot because she was noble, but because her parents had never accepted such behavior. Buthome?
Shed dreaded this day for five years, had felt it threatening like a bag of bricks hanging over her head.
She pulled herself together. Im coming.
I can take care of him. Van stopped again.
How? she asked. Youre not his next of kin. Youre not even family anymore.
His breathing deepened. How could she possibly hurt him after all this time?
Im sorry, she said.
No, youre right. It was crazy to offer. Not long after you left, he also told me to stay away. But I thought maybe that was an excuse I was happy to take.
I dont want to know It was too late to catch up on what had happened after shed left. The time theyd shared had belonged to someone else. It didnt feel like hers any longer. Ill be on my way as soon as I can get a flight.
Wait, Cassie. Let me pick you up at the airport.
So she could explain Hope at baggage claim? Not a chance. Ill be fine.
His silence ran thick, full of words unsaid. Their relationship had ended unnaturally when shed walked away, but she hadnt been willing to wait for the usual recriminations and anger. The rape had humiliated Van and her father. Shed hated them both until she realized shed never love Hope while she nourished bitterness.
Thank you for calling, she said, and for helping my father. Ill take over as soon as I get there, and you can go back to your own life.
Im trying to warn you he isnt the same. He didnt seem to hear anything she said, as if he had an agenda and was checking off the items. I dont think hes been eating, and I dont know when he last took a shower.
Thats not my dad. An image of him burned in her mind. Theyll keep him in the hospital until I get there?
I doubt theyd let him out. When should I expect you?
As soon as I can make a reservation. Your number must be on my phone. Ill call you back.
Let me give it to you to make sure.
She wrote it down. Thank you, she said.
Cassie?
She bit her lip. Hard. Her arms and legs felt heavy, strange. As if she were channeling someone elses feelings. If only Van would stop saying her name. What?
Are you all right?
Hed always cared. That had never been the problem, but his concern left her empty now. Fine.
A few seconds went by. She should hang up, cut off the thick voice that had haunted her dreams a lot longer than the monsters whod broken into their bathroom. The monsters voice only terrified her.
Vans made her lonely, reminded her how it felt to be intimate. Not sex, but trust and talk and safety.
Should I get you a room at the hotel? he asked.
She wasnt about to put Hope on display for the kind, but too-quick-to-pity citizens of Honesty. Ill stay at Dads house.
Maybe youd like to try Beths fishing lodge? She had some trouble last year, but the place is up and running again. She got married last summer and she and her husband renovated
Running on wasnt like him. Ill stay at home. Shed had to give up Beths unstinting friendship, and it was too late to start over or explain.
Okay. His tone tightened. Dont forget to let me know when youll be here.
For the first time since high school, he didnt say I love you as he hung up. Even the last timemonths after shed left, while Hope had kicked lazily in her belly and Van had begged for another chance, and shed asked him to stop calling, hed said it.
She clicked the off button, sliding her palms over her face as if to wipe away memories of Van that flew at her. Always laughingas she ran her hands through his silky dark blond hair. As he took her mouth with his. Laughter dying as he moved his body above hers.
She flinched and grabbed the wall. Hope? After a deep breath, she hurried to her daughters room. I have to tell you some things.
No, Mommy. Im mad. You talked mean to me.
Im sorry, honey. She was so careful. She tried never to raise her voice, never to let Hope see a hint of brutality anywhere. Her stomach lurched as she remembered the softness of the intruders body this afternoon. The human body was so fragile.
And the psyche more so.
Who was on the phone? Hope asked, with eyes only for her doll.
A man I used to knowa friend of my fathers.
Huh? Hopes eyes rounded and she dropped the doll on her pink-flowered comforter. You have a daddy?
Cassie tilted her head back. Shed never even mentioned him? I have a father, she said. Hes sick and he needs me to look after him.
Like when Im sick? Hope grabbed her hand. Ooh, will we make him glasses of ice water and toast?
We can make anything that will help him feel better. Lets talk about it over our eggs. Help me warm them up?
VAN, TAKE THESE KEYS. Frail in his hospital gown, Leo Warne covered them with his hand, like a spy passing off a top secret microfiche. Theyre not safe here. Someone will steal them and break into the house and clean me out. Leos eyes darted toward the door and back.
Van suppressed a shudder. Hed loved the man like a father. How could he have abandoned him? Dont worry. Cassies going to stay at the house. Your stuff will be safe.
Stop looking at me like Im a stranger. Im not sick. He nodded toward the ceiling as if someone were watching them from above. Im just a smart old man. Something no one in this town likes. I know how they treated Cassie. They made her leave, looking down on her after that man He swallowed, his Adams apple as big as an egg in his too-thin throat. Like the rape was her fault. No one took care of her. He skewered Van with blue eyes that were so much like Cassies. Not even you.
Van gripped the edge of Leos rolling tray. The rape repulsed me. Cassie never did. I should have protected her, but I couldnt even make her see I still loved her.
Because you didnt. I know. I know it all. I walk around this town in the night. No one sees me. Im invisible.
Van stared, his own good sense returning. Youre tired and sick and you need to be cared for. Van dared to stroke Leos thin hair as he would have touched his own fatheror his child, if he and Cassie had been so lucky. Youll get better and youll start remembering.
I remember everything. People laughed at her and they said she deserved it. They said she should have been more careful. She was asking for it.
Those are your own fears talking. It never happened.
It was worse. You dont even know. She wont come home now.
Shell be here tomorrow. Shes planning to stay at your house.
The house. With his heart breaking for his broken friend, he felt anxious. What would Cassie walk into in her childhood home? If Leo hadnt washed himself in weeks, he certainly hadnt cleaned the house.
Cassie had enough to face. No one had understood why shed run away from Honesty. Her former neighbors would flood her with casseroles. Theyd sympathize with her about Leos illness and theyd fish for answers about why shed stayed away so long.
Theyd tried often enough to extract the truth from Van, but no one seemed to realize she hadnt been content to cut the town out of her life. Shed had no more room for her father or her ex-husband, either.
Leo, Im heading over to your house for a while. Just to make sure everythings ready for Cassie.
Ill give you a buck and a half to mow the lawn. Leo dug for a nonexistent pocket. Its not worth that much, but I know you. Youll just spend it on a Coca-Cola with Cassie, and you shouldnt be paying for her treats.
Van felt as if hed run face first into a wall, but Leo didnt seem to realize it was December. Pay me later. Van wondered which lawn guy had flirted with Cassie. Van hadnt noticed her as more than a cute kid until after hed been working in the bank for almost a year and shed started college.
He pushed his fist against his chest. Theyd been a family once, the three of them. He kissed his former father-in-laws head and hurried out.
At the nurses station, he backed up and asked them to call if Leos condition changed. Despite all signs to the contrary, he hoped Leo might improve before Cassie arrived. Good food, warmth and attentive care had to give him a chance.
The Warnes lived across the lake from Beths fishing lodge. Van pulled up to Leos place to find Trey Lockwood, one of last nights EMTs, banging away at the front porch with a hammer. Trey stopped and brushed back his ball cap with a weary sigh. He pulled a couple of nails from between his lips.
I didnt expect to find anyone else here, Van said. Whats wrong with the porch?
Trey stepped on a board and it squeaked. Ann and I didnt realize we should have checked on him.
Has he been acting odd for long?
He definitely changed after Cassie He didnt say the words and Van was just as glad. We thought you probably knew, but you werent welcome here, either.
Id have forced my way in. He took in the paint peeling off the siding. Why hadnt he driven past once in a while? The answer would keep him from facing himself in a mirror for a while. Hed been a coward. Pretending Leo and Cassie didnt matter anymore had been easier than fighting them for a few pathetic minutes of their time.
You look gutted, Trey said. People think everyone knows what goes on in small towns. But the doors shut here, just like anywhere else, and some things you cant know.
Trey was a smart guy. The door didnt shut on this. Van pulled Leos keys out of his jacket pocket. Ill see how things look inside.
Yeah. Good luck. Let me know if I can help.
Thanks. Van trod the rickety boards with care. He dreaded opening the door. Cassies due back tomorrow.
You dont want her to see whats been going on with her dad.
I cant protect her from whats happened to her father, but Id like to clean this place a little.
She shouldnt have left. Even after five years, Van turned to defend Cassie, but Trey tested the next step, looking regretful. Hed been Cassies friend, too. He yanked and the plank gave way with a scream. None of us asked her to go. None of us wanted her to.
It was my fault, Van said, surprising himself. Not hers. A floorboard groaned as he eased across it. A strong wind could send the porch across the lake to Beths yard. Its too late to talk about the past, he said.
You gotta talk to someone. Trey held a nail against the board and hammered. Sometime. He added another nail. Or itll drive you crazy.
Yeah? Van turned the key in the lock, but it took determination, as if Leo hadnt locked it in five years. He looked over his shoulder at the lake. Leo rented a boathouse down there, hidden by the pines. Three years ago, Van had discovered it open, and hed locked it to keep it safe from vandals. Hed left a note, telling Leo to get in touch with him for the locks combination, but Leo had never called about it.
Trey was watching. Ill finish out here. I know a guy who can repaint fast. Cassiell feel at home.
Van nodded. Thanks for the help and the therapy.
The EMT grinned. Free of charge, buddy.
He went back to work, and Van turned the doorknob and shoved it open. The hinges screamed for oil. A stench of decay and dirt almost knocked him back down the steps.
God. He stared at newspapers and canned goods stacked in ranks like soldiers waiting to march down the hall. On each tread of the staircase along the right wall, three packages of paper towels stood side by side.
He pushed the door wide and went searching for the source of the smell. It was easy to trace it to the dining room.
Food. Old, old food, and food as new as last nights dinner.
He slammed his hand over his mouth like any heroine in one of the old movies his sister loved to watch. Apparently, Leo had thought getting the food to the dining room was enough. There were china plates on the table, but at some point hed switched to paper and plastic utensils.
And then hed stopped washing dishes. Hed neatly aligned the plates and the cups and glassware and, eventually, hed done the same with the throwaway stuff, unless he hadnt finished his meal. Those plates perched on any surfaceand the floor.
Compulsive neatness and haphazard filth. How had it made sense?
The kitchen was even crazier. Completely spotless, except there wasnt a dish to be found, beyond the paper and plastic in the cabinets where the real stuff used to be stored.
Dear God, Leo.
In the back of his mind, Van had blamed Leo for Cassies leaving. If her beloved father hadnt been ashamed, maybe Cassie would have given Van another chance, but Leos humiliation had blinded her. Shed taken Vans revulsion at his inability to help her, for shame like her fathers.
He choked in a breath and grabbed a garbage bag from beneath the sink. He set to work, realizing hed misread Leo. Theyd tried to live with their guilt in different ways.
Hed been unable to touch his wife, and Leo had stopped living in a world that made sense.
HOW MUCH LONGER, Mommy? From her car seat in the back of their rental, Hope flipped her cloth doll, Penny, in circles until the arms coiled like springs. Where is my grampa, anyway?
In a hospital, honey. Squinting into the fading evening sun, Cassie passed another highway sign that assured her she was on her way to Honesty, Virginia. She didnt need the sign. She knew each bump and dip of the road like the corners of her childhood bedroom.
Will he like me?
Youre funny. How could anyone not love you? It was what Cassie feared. It was the reason shed told no one back home that shed had Hope. The reason shed never returned.
He didnt come see me. We never visited him in his neighbor good.
Theyd recently started looking for a new house in a neighborhood with a great school. Hope couldnt get the hang of the word.
Hes an older man.
Mrs. Bonney is a older lady. She usually babysat when Cassie had to work late. She made cookies and crocheted afghans and loved Hope almost as much as Cassie did. She wants to see me all the time.
But she lives right next door.
She goes away. She goes to see her little girls.
Mrs. Bonney called her granddaughters her little girls.
Cassie searched for answers. Shed told her father to stay away. She couldnt explain why. Mrs. Bonney isnt sick.
Is my grampa a nice man?
A simple yes stuck in her throat. Hed blamed her for the rape. And he hadnt loved her since.
Van, too. Van, whod been so much her other half that excising him had left gaps in her soul. Maybe he was worse than her father, because hed vowed to be her husband. Better or worse had broken him.
Im talking to you, Mommy.
I told you all this last night, sweetie, but you might not get to see him, since hes in the hospital.
I thought we were gonna get him out of there.
Its not a bad place. Another hint she should look at her current work situation. So many of the women at the shelter went to the hospital, and their husbands were kept from seeing them. From phone calls Hope had overheard, and frankness about work that Cassie and her partners should have forgone, she might have gotten the wrong idea.
I dont want to go.
You dont have to. Cassies stomach dropped. Whod look after Hope while she was with her father? How many people in Honesty would have to see Hope? Were not staying here long, Cassie said.
But how long?
A few days.
She could hear her old friends.
When did she have that kid?
Why didnt she tell Van?
Whose kid is that?
Van would wonder why shed hidden Hopes existence.
You dont have to explain. Her counselor in Tecumseh had repeated that over and over in the months after Hope was born. Shes your responsibility. You have to make a good life for her and you. And frankly, to hell with anyone else.
Cassies father, practically a Biblical patriarch in her mind when she was growing up, hadnt wanted her after she was tainted. He certainly wouldnt want Hope. When Cassie had needed him most, hed blamed her for the worst thing that had ever happened to her.
Shed find help for him. She closed her burning eyes tight for a second. Shed provide medical care if he needed it. She owed him nothing more.
Wheres my gramma, Mommy?
That question hadnt come up last night. Im sorry, but you dont have one, Cassie said, fighting, as always, the soft memory of her mothers hands on her face, her whispered reassurance that the dark was safe. My mom died when I was a teenager.
Hope, whod been traveling since early morning and missed her nap, looked as if she might cry. You wont ever die, will you, Mommy?
Not for a long time, Hope. According to the policeman whod taken her statement at the shelter, she had every chance of dying pretty soon if she wasnt more careful about taking on thugs. Shed tried to explain about the advantage of surprise. He hadnt been impressed, and he was right. He just hadnt come up with an alternative response, other than everyone hidingand who could do that all the time?
Good. Hope smiled through a soft veil of tears in her eyes. Blessed with a sensitive heart, shed always cried easily. But you dont have a mommy.
Im used to that. Who ever got used to that?
Its a good thing you have me.
Cassie laughed. Having you is the best. I love you this much. She took her hands off the wheel long enough to spread them as far as she could. And then some.
Good. Hope tucked her baby onto her shoulder. Im not sleepy, Mommy.
I see that.
But I could use some mac and cheese.
Just let me know when. Well be home before you know it. Home. Shed said it without thinking, after five years of dreading the sight of Honesty.
We can make eggs for my grampa.
The hospital concept proved tricky for her to grasp. Cassie glanced in the rearview, at Hopes drooping eyelids.
With any luck, she could keep this trip an adventure for her daughter and then escape. No one whod known Cassie before would see Hope, or ask questions.
HOPE WAS ASLEEP when Cassie parked in front of her fathers home. With her palms sweating on the steering wheel, she stared at the house, low, squat and dingy in moonlight instead of the rich blue of her memory. The ivy her father had tended so lovingly had taken over the porch and the roof, trying to pull the house down.
A woman could almost wish it had.
She glanced at Hope, hating to wake her until she saw what awaited them inside. Van had said her father would still be in the hospital, but when had Leo Wainwright Warne ever paid attention to anyone or anything other than his own sense of right and wrong?
Wallowing in a hospital bed would strike him as the height of wrong.
Cassie climbed out of the car, eased the door shut and started up the cracked driveway. Then she stopped, eyeing the house and a dark band of cloth blocking off the porch. Someone had pinned a Wet Paint sign to it. She leaned down to touch a step. Tacky. And that wasnt all.
The ivy, cracks in the dirty cement, black tire streaks and bird droppings dotting the graying pavement. Her father hadnt been out here with his pressure washer in a long time.
Five years couldnt change anything this muchnot unless time and neglect had lived hand in hand. Van had tried to warn her about her father. Like Hope, she just hadnt got it.
She went around to the kitchen door. Half expecting to find it unlocked, she nonetheless lifted her key.
Only to have the door open in her face and Van come out.
Without thinking, she turned toward the car. He took her arm as if to stop her from running. She looked down at his broad hand, his splayed, capable fingers.
Her body seemed to grow heavier, but she wasnt confused about her real feelings. She looked up at him and prayed Hope wouldnt wake, the way children did when a car stopped too long.
I thought Id be out of here before you arrived. Stress tensed his face. His dark green eyes watched her as if she were a stranger.
You dreaded seeing me, too. She pulled away from him. How could he bother her so much after five years? After the revulsion he hadnt been able to hide before shed left?
She started over.
I came straight from the airport, she said. What are you doing here? She forbade herself another glance toward Hope. Sometime hed have to know but, please God, not now. Not yet.
The house was awe have to talk, Cass.
Dont call me that. Her old nickname tugged her toward him as if he were her true north. Everyone had used it, but from Van it meant familiarity and whispers in the cocoon of their bed. Secrets only they knew.
He nodded, his eyes so intense she wanted to scream. He shut the door behind him. Parts of the house were in bad shape. Are in bad shape.
What are you talking about? She reached past him. Just then, the back door of her rental car opened, and a small voice shouted, Mommy?
She turned. Hope. Cassie ran across the grass and snatched her daughter into her arms, holding on so tight Hope tried to wriggle free.
Youre squishing me.
Sorry. Tears choked her, but she never cried. Sorry, baby. She turned, her daughter in her arms.
Van had followed, shock draining his face of color. She wished the sunset would just finish up and fade and make them all invisible.
Cassie shook her head, begging him not to say anything that might hurt Hope. Naturally, he wondered if she belonged to him. Despite five years and the certainty he hadnt wanted her or their marriage, she feared his unspoken question.
At last, he dragged his gaze away from Hope, moving his head as if his muscles were locked. Pain pulsed from his body.
Cassie relented. Shed assumed a lot of bad things about Vans inability to be human, but he obviously had feelings.
No, she said. Not yours.
He grimaced, looking confused. Then he put his hand over his mouth. She was close enough to see sweat bead on his upper lip.
As it had the last time hed tried to make love to her.
Shed been right to leave Honesty. She was the only one who could love the whimsical, curious girl who danced through her life in joy.
Only Cassie could love the daughter born of her rape.
CHAPTER THREE
MOMMY, WHOZZAT MAN?
Vans eyes darkened. His mouth froze in a sharp, thin line. He clenched his fists at his side.
Cassie pressed her face to her daughters head and breathed in Hopes warm, still-babyish scent. Cassie swore silently. He could still make her tremble, but she and Hope were a family.
Van, this is Hope, the love of my life. Be careful, she warned him in her head. Dont say anything to hurt my daughter. Baby, this is Mr. Van. Hes a She stopped. If explaining Hopes long-lost Grampa had been harda friend of my fathers.
Hello, Mr. Van. Hope stuck out her tiny hand. As always, Cassie marveled at her long slender fingers. Shed know her daughter decades from now, if only by her hands. God had been kind. They were Victoria Warnes hands, too. Mr. Van? her little girl said.
He literally shook himself, staring at her.
Is he okay? Hope stage-whispered.
He forced a false smile, but Cassie was grateful. Finally, he dwarfed her hand in his and shook it.
Giggling, Hope dropped her head against Cassies chest and didnt see Van press his palm to his jeans.
Watching him, Cassie felt more than the cold of the Virginia winter. Not even the coat shed draped over the backseat would have warmed her. Why had she expected anything more compassionate from him?
Sorry. He shook his head. His disgust this time was clearly for himself, but it came too late.
Cassie swept past him. Im taking her inside for dinner and bed.
Theres no food, he said, and a couple of the rooms
She waited. He didnt go on. She didnt look back. What about the rooms?
Your dad. He came after them. The kitchen steps dipped beneath his weight. He had some collections.
What are you trying to say?
Paper towels, he said. And those dishwashing sponges. Hundreds of them.
What? She stared at him underneath the porch light.
In the guest rooms. Ive cleaned your room and his and your old playroom, and I cleaned off and remade the daybed in there. But the othersI called the womens shelter in town to see if they could use anything.
He actually blushed, but for no valid reason. Obviously, his mind had gone to the womens shelter because of what had happened to her. Theyd be well sponged and paper-towel clean, because shed forgotten shed left her bathroom window open one night five years ago.
Get over it, Van. I have.
Have you?
His simple question rattled all her doubts. I had to. She glanced down at Hopes head.
He wiped his mouth again. I dont know how to talk to you.
Fortunately, she said, trying to be kind because she didnt want grudges between them, we dont need to talk. Dont get me wrong. Im grateful for everything youve done. Well both have beds to sleep in, and I can go by the grocery store.
Let me.
Were not your problem. Good night.
Come on, Cass. Shed known Van nearly all her life, but never had she heard the kind of anger he was fighting to quellall the more frightening because he was normally so controlled. Give me a chance, he said. What did you expect me to do when I found out?
She looked down. Hopes eyes had drifted shut. I expected the reaction you had. Thats why I left town and never meant to come back.
Not because you didnt love me anymore?
She stopped, feeling naked, sensing the eyes of everyone whod ever known her in this town. You stopped loving me, she said, praying Hope was really asleep and not just pretending.
I always told you I was the problem. He edged closer to her shoulder as if emotion brought him there. His nearness and her unaccountable urge to remember what it was like to be in his arms made her want to scream.
I know. Its not you. Its me. Hearing Cassies frustration, Hope tried to lift her head, but she was too tired. Go home, Van. Im busy.
Let me help you carry your things in. The house will be a shock.
I dont need your help. She opened the door. Something smelled awful, and the kitchen looked darker than she remembered.
Van stepped inside.
Bad man, Hope muttered.
Not overly bad. No doubt Hope would have to see him again. Cassie walked around him and tried to shut the door, but he wouldnt let her.
I feel as if Im barging in, but the house is going to come as a shock. The past, moments in time that should have ended, reopened the gulf between them.
Im fine.
Her little girl looked up. Mommy, what are you talking about?
Old stuff, Cassie said. And what you and I should have for dinner. Can you stay awake long enough to eat something?
Im pretty hungry.
Me, too.
Hope wrinkled her nose. Something smells funny. She covered her face with both hands. Are you sure this is your daddys house?
The smell is bleach. Cassie sniffed harder. And garbage?
Van nodded ever so slightly.
She stared at the faded paint and worn appliances. How had this looked before Van started cleaning? Can I see Dad tonight? Does the hospital have late visiting hours?
What about He looked at Hope.
Cassie had known people would treat her and Hope like freaks, but she hadnt expected Van to be the first. Ill manage. Thanks for your help. She went to the door, forcing him to follow, and then ushered him through. And for looking after Dad.
On the porch, Van turned, opening his mouth, but Cassie had stopped worrying about manners. She shut the door.
And locked it. Tight as a drum.
THE MOON HUNG above thick trees. Van stared at it as he measured each step to his car.
His hand shook so much he could barely hit the button for entry. He stared at the house and wished hed opened all the blinds. Whatever Cassie was doing, she wasnt letting in light or prying eyes.
Whatever she was doingFinding something to feed her daughter. He got in the car and grabbed the steering wheel to keep from crashing his fists through his windshield.
His wife had given birth to that rapists child.
His wife loved that animals child. Love for Hope was a coat she worea second skina part of her hed seen the moment the girl had called her name.
Damn her. Damn her to hell along with that bastard whod stolen everything from him.
No.
That made it sound as if the rape had been her fault. Hed never thought that, never blamed her, never wanted her anywhere but at his side.
But it didnt feel as if five years had passed. He was still living that last night theyd tried to make love. His head swimming with images of that guy forcing her, hed had to get away or punch the damn wall.
She hadnt understood. It was almost as if shed preferred thinking he couldnt stand being near her.
And tonight, shed sprung Hope on him like another test. Hed failed again, but how could she expect the people whod loved her to accept a constant, living reminder of the worst moments in their lives?
So, he hadnt thrown a party. He hadnt said anything to hurt Hope or Cassie, either. Why couldnt Cassie give him a break?
He looked up at the closed windows and the door whose locks still clanked and clicked in his ears. Five years, and it was as if shed left last night and come home this morning.
All the feelings were so familiar. Fear, anger, dread.
And somewhere down deep, the love he hadnt been able to abandon or smother. No other woman had ever made him forget Cassie.
Hed been stranded in a time capsule since the evening shed left him outside her lawyers office. Him still swearing hed make her love him again. Her looking sad. Out of his reach.
And early on, whenever hed suggested he come to Washington to see her, shed refused. Finally, shed said her life would be easier and shed forget the past better if she never again saw anyone connected with it.
Especially him.
He took a last look at the windows, like eyes closed against the world. Cassie had made enough rules for him and her father. Surely Leo was a living illustration that Cassies way led to disaster.
Van made his own rules in every other part of his life. If Cassie wanted to throw away love, shed have to say so, flat out.
He turned the key in the ignition and then pulled his cell from his pocket. Cassie took three rings to answer.
Hello?
If shed sounded certain, instead of wary, maybe hed have backed off. If she hadnt sounded afraid
Dont start dinner. Ill bring something back.
I dont want you to come back.
I dont blame you. I didnt treat Hope right and Im sorry.
She deserves better, and so do I.
Before, hed have handled her with kid gloves. Shed been hurt, inside and out, and he couldnt hurt her more.
Cassie. If he gave in, hed lose any chance of finding out if they could still love each other. I dont want to hurt that kid, but she reminds me of He couldnt say her father. If he did, hed never look the child in the eye again. She reminds me of what happened. Give me a chance to live with it.
Are you crazy? Im not coming back here. You and I have been divorced for almost five years. Were over.
Your father is extremely ill. You wont throw him into some nursing facility and run away.
I will, she said through what sounded like gritted teeth.
I know you.
Youre living in a crazy dream. You need treatment as much as my father.
You might be right, but Ive never said goodbye to you. I dont want to give up.
On what? On nothing. Its been nothing since the night I left here.
Do you think Im proud of feeling this way? Im a man. I dont want to run after a woman who couldnt be more clear about not wanting to be with me. But I think you were lying five years ago about not wanting us in your life, because you were afraid for your child. I have to know if we can still care for each other. He tapped his fist against the steering wheel. Dont make me talk about feelings, Cassie. And dont make me beg.
Her silence stretched so long he pulled the phone away from his ear to see if the signal had faded or shed hung up.
Mommy, said a small voice on Cassies side of the connection, Im really hungry.
So Ill be back, Van said. With dinner for both of you.
For all of us? Cassie asked.
He stiffened. Are you inviting me or preparing yourself?
She took a deep breath, but he was holding his. Maybe a little of both.
Thats a start, he said. Ill be back. He hung up before she could change her mind.
She might be right. What kind of man held on to a woman whod turned her back on him in the most final of divorce decrees five years ago?
But shed kept information to herself then. Shed been pregnant. With a rapists child, but shed been his wife and shed been carrying a child. Hed loved her. Hed had a right to knowor to tell her he couldnt face it.
He wasnt sure he could face it now.
He pulled away from the curb, not letting thoughts of Hope reignite his old anger. She was a child, not someone to blame.
And he was through giving up on everything that had mattered because Cassie didnt believe in him. It was his turn to take charge.
For the first time in a long time, he felt a little hope.
He drove to the towns new overpriced luxury market, parking next door at the Honesty Sentinel because everyone who wanted to see and be seen had already taken all the open spots at Posh Victuals.
The second he hit the aromatic air inside, his stomach muttered with guttural hunger. He flattened his hand against his belly, but in the Babel of dinnertime shopping, no one else noticed.
He waited in line at the Poshly Prepared Pasta counter. A high school girl, wearing a checkered napkin folded artfully into a cap, finally got through the three customers before him.
What may I feed you, sir?
As if she were wearing a toga and offering grapes. What do you have that will make a four-year-old girl happy?
Huh? She glanced around the counters as if seeking help. No one materialized.
I have a friend whos just arrived in town with her four-year-old daughter, and they havent eaten. Id like to take them some dinner.
Lowering her voice, she leaned toward him. Im supposed to talk you into buying the more expensive stuff, but take the spaghetti. Kids always like spaghetti. I have a little brother, and he cant get enough of the stuff we make here.
Perfect. Pack it up.
Just for the girl? Would you like a whole dinner? Or a childs spaghetti?
Dinner for three.
Okeydoke.
Do you have a meatless sauce?
She nodded.
Id better take two orders of that. Cassie hadnt eaten meat for years before shed left, and she might have persuaded her daughter to eat the same crazy way.
With deft hands, the girl packed a meal in takeout cartons. Pasta, a container of sauce, a larger one without meat, and garlic bread, so rich with spicy scents his stomach grumbled again. Louder.
The girl must have heard. Her mouth twitched, but she was too polite to mention it.
She added vegetable antipasto, a tossed salad and two containers of tiramisu. He stopped her in time to ask for cr?me br?le for Cassie.
Just warm everything up. If you boil the pasta for two minutes, itll be better than new. She leaned in again. I add olive oil to the water. Amazing.
Thanks. He found her badge beneath a wavy ponytail. Rita.
My pleasure. Heres hoping your friends enjoy.
His friend had probably changed her mind about letting him inand changed the locks.
Back at Leos house, he parked in the driveway behind Cassies rental and carried their dinner to the front door, tapping the newly painted porch with his fingertips to make sure it was dry. He rang the bell and then waved the bags in front of the wood to spread the delicious aromas. That market might have a froufrou name, but their cooking smelled great.
Nothing happened on the other side of the Warne door. He backed up and looked around one of the porch stanchions, but the blinds remained shut tight. If the lights were on, not one sliver of illumination leaked through.
He rang the bell again. Would she really change her mind? Could she lock him out of her life again?
The door opened, and Cassie stared at him, accusation and embarrassment on her face.
How long did it take you to decide? he asked, fighting a smile.
She stared at his mouth, and resentment firmed her beautiful lips. Im letting you in, but it doesnt mean anything. It should have sounded churlish, but her sad eyes made him feel responsible.
Whatever makes you feel all right, Cassie. Wheres he cursed himself for the three seconds it took to say her name Hope?
Thats why I dont want you around. I dont doubt you mean well and, obviously, Im some sort of penance to you. She lowered her voice. But every time you look at my little girl, youll see that man. She said it without a shudder, as if that didnt happen to her. Or youll wonder why I kept her. She took both bags.
He caught the door in one hand, half expecting her to close it, and then he took back the heavier bag. Id never hurt youor Hope.
This time her daughters name stopped her for a second. Not on purpose. She nudged him with the other bag. Cassie, whod never had a violent bone in her body, actually tried to push him outside. But you cant helpand your feelings hurt me more than anything he ever did.
It was a kick in the gut. He swallowedtwicebefore he was able to speak. Dont ever say that again. The connection between his mouth and brain seemed to break. Finally, he managed to pry his tongue off the roof of his mouth. Dont compare me to him.
He turned for the door, but she caught him.
Im sorry, she said, and he believed her because her eyes shone with unshed tears and her mouth trembled. It just came out. I didnt mean
Let it go. There are some things you and I cant talk about. Nor could he explain hed been walking through life blind, not living since shed left him. I was surprised about Hope. A man doesnt expect his former He glanced toward the kitchen. I never thought about you having a baby and me not knowing, but none of this is her fault. I want her to feel comfortable around me, and youd better want that, too, because someone has to look after her while you visit your father.
Maybe Hope could hang out with one of the nurses for the few minutes it would take for him toIm the closest thing to family hes had for the past few days. You need me to remind him who you are.
VANS SPEECH, half apology and a whole lot of assumption, hung in the air.
Cassie stared, her mouth half-open until she noticed she was catching flies and closed it. Remind him? The bag slipped in her arms. She managed to catch it. You honestly think he wont know me?
Van eyed her right back as if he was worried she might also be losing her memory. I told you that, Cassie.
I didnt understand. She turned with the bag, not certain where to go next. How am I going to make sure no one tells him aboutI dont care if he hates me, but I dont want him to hurt her. Vans reaction to Hope had proved she was right to shield her daughter from everyone in Honesty. Plus, I dont want him to get worse. Making him angry could easily make him sicker.
What are you talking about? You think he hates you?
She lifted her head, an animal scenting a challenge. I liked you better when you couldnt hide anything you felt. Including the fact that hed blamed her, too. He thought what happened was my fault.
He was scared. Still is, but he doesnt hate you.
Trust Van to protect her father. She went toe to toe with the only man shed ever loved more than her dad. I could never blame Hope for something like that. Thats how I know his love wasnt enough, and he does blame me.
Deep down, she realized she was still accusing Van, too. She couldnt help it. His rejectionturning from her in their bed, stepping away from her as theyd gazed together out of their kitchen windowthose moments lived under her skin, thorns too sharp to bear.
Theyd argued until he had no more words, and hers only made him angry.
Your father isnt well.
He was fine five years ago. A new rush of resentment shocked her. She had to get a grip. Im sorry. She rubbed her forehead. Seeing you and being here brings it all back.
I didnt like your answers to our problems then. I still dont. Answers. Nice, antiseptic way to describe ripping out her own heart and throwing it onto a barbed-wire fence.
You dont get a choice, she said, not to be unkind but to make him see it was too late to change things.
Faltering, Van turned to a safer subject. Leos worse when hes tired, and what about Hope? Ill be glad to look after her, but shell have to go with us when I introduce you to him.
I can explain if he doesnt know me. She hated the thought of accepting his help. As if coming back had turned her into the naive young woman whod married her personal Prince Charming, the habit of leaning on Van tempted her. And Hope doesnt know you. Im not comfortable leaving her with anyone.
Like it or not, Im not just anyone.
Close enough.
He looked her straight in the eye and pretended not to have heard. I could ask my sister to come to the hospital.
Beth. Her heart ached. Shed lost more than her father and Van. Ive missed her.
You could have stayed in touch.
How would I have asked her not to tell you about Hope?
You couldnt. He lifted the other bag of food. Dinners getting cold.
Hope appeared in the kitchen doorway. Mommy, Im starwing. I need foods.
Coming, sweetie. Cassie led the way. Ill call the hospital and see if my fathers still awake.
In the kitchen, Hope climbed back into a chair. The water Cassie had set to boil in a saucepan on the stove was still, the gas beneath it turned off.
Hope looked up as Cassie put two and two together. I did it.
The stove was like theirs at home, far from here. Her little girl wanted to be a big girl as quick as she could and never thought about saucepan handles. Ive asked you not to mess with stoves when Im not in the room.
Im okay. Its like ours. I knew how.
Hope, Ive asked you
Im sorry, Mommy.
Do you like to help cook, Hope? Van started removing paper cartons from his sack. The poisonous resentment in his voice had faded.
He was so very friendly.
We were gonna have those instant grits. She pointed at the counter.
He made a face at the box. Ive saved you from an ugly fate.
Mommy likes em. She slid out of her chair and went to his elbow.
Youre not such a big fan?
He still hadnt looked into her innocent face.
I dont mind em. Lying, Hope smiled at Cassie, offering her loyalty.
Maybe youll like this stuff instead. Setting the last carton on the table, he looked at Hope and a smile spread across his face. A real smile. Wide, warm. Real.
Hope laughed out loud. I was kinda scared to come here, but youre nice, Mr. Van. I like your face.
He laughed, too. Slowly, his hand curved around the back of Hopes head.
For a split second, before he pulled back and whisked the bag off the table.
CHAPTER FOUR
VAN FOLDED the Posh bag as deliberately as any bit of paper anywhere had ever been folded, and then he stared at the recycling bin, stunned by Cassies look of relief.
She must love her daughter more than hed imagined if she thought he could forget the past so easily.
Mr. Van, are you saving that bag?
He pushed it into the bin and got himself under control. Ridiculous that a little girl could do this to him. But it was what she stood forthose hellish images he had never escaped.
No. He choked as his throat tightened. Im not saving it.
He turned. Cassie was waiting, still watchful.
What did you bring? Cassie asked with a hand toward the cartons.
Antipasto, spaghetti, tiramisu for Hope and me and cr?me br?le for you.
I smell the spaghetts. Hopes nose quivered like a kittens. And look at the salad, Mommy. She prodded the one see-through package. Can I have your cootons?
Croutons. Her voice was absent. Spaghetts are Hopes favorites.
There was more in her tone. An extra warning. She looked at her daughter with her heart literally in her eyes and more love than Van suspected shed ever felt for him. Hope owned that much of her. Cassie would fight with her last breath to keep her little girl safe.
Even from him. As if hed hurt a baby.
She took down plates and salad dishes from the cabinet. Then she helped Hope open the plastic container. What else did you want to talk about? Her briskness suggested he make it fast and beat it.
I didnt come back just to talk about your father.
She found serving utensils and scooped salad onto Hopes dish without looking up. Hes all thats left. Face it, Van.
No. With Hope hanging on every nuance, he couldnt elaborate.
Cassie just looked at him. Then she popped the tops off the other cartons and started to add food to her daughters plate.
Wait. Van reached for her hand, but she backed up. Message taken. I need to warm up the pasta.
Cassie shrugged. Okay. Id better call the hospital, but you can start now with your salad, baby.
Goodie.
Will you talk to Mr. Van while Im gone?
.
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