Читать онлайн книгу «The Fiancée He Can′t Forget» автора Caroline Anderson
The Fiance He Can't Forget
Caroline Anderson
Seeing ex-fiance Amy at his brothers wedding throws Matt Walkers world dangerously off-balance. Their relationship imploded years ago, but hes never got her out of his head and neither can resist a one-night-only reunion! But Matt wants a lifetime by Amys side, not a night, and a pregnancy bombshell gives him the chance to prove itThe Legendary Walker Doctors finally find the women who can live up to their dreams!
About the Author
CAROLINE ANDERSON has the mind of a butterfly. Shes been a nurse, a secretary, a teacher, run her own soft-furnishing business, and now shes settled on writing. She says, I was looking for that elusive something. I finally realised it was variety, and now I have it in abundance. Every book brings new horizons and new friends, and in between books I have learned to be a juggler. My teacher husband John and I have two beautiful and talented daughters, Sarah and Hannah, umpteen pets, and several acres of Suffolk that nature tries to reclaim every time we turn our backs! Caroline also writes for Mills & Boon
Cherish
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The Fiance He Cant Forget
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
Table of Contents
Cover (#u17b58116-fa0a-5fc0-a8b0-70b0ad48d26c)
About the Author (#uc54b01a5-53d3-5b30-a9d7-37dbeaecbb47)
Title Page (#u7fa94ab2-1f36-54cb-983f-3070a9e876e6)
More Praise for Caroline Anderson: (#ua6dc32ee-bf33-53e6-82ea-900da6525148)
Chapter One (#u24a20e74-b01e-5c6d-83bb-c2e7c2eef473)
Chapter Two (#u9d47cbf0-95d8-59f9-8989-2b602186055c)
Chapter Three (#u493a5aeb-e420-5ad1-b5bc-62d5f9184852)
Chapter Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
More praise for Caroline Anderson:
Photojournalist Maisie Douglas and
businessman Robert Mackenzie have been
more or less amicably divorced for almost two
decades, but the upcoming marriage of their daughter,
Jenni, stirs up old emotions on both sides. Very
young when she married him, Maisiepregnant and
disowned by her familywas miserable living in
Scotland with Robs judgmental parents, and left after
little more than a year. Maisie hasnt found another
partner, and neither has Rob. Can they find a way to
trust each other again, after all this time? This lovely
reunion romance is rich with emotion and humour, and
all of the characters are exquisitely rendered.
RT Book Reviews on MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
CHAPTER ONE
ARE you OK?
Was she?
She wasnt sure. Her heart was pounding, her legs felt like jelly and her stomach was rebelling, but it was Daisys wedding day, so Amy dug around and dredged up some kind of a smile.
Im fine.
Sure?
Absolutely! she lied, and tried to make the smile look more convincing. She didnt even need to ask how Daisy was. She was lit up from inside with a serene joy that was radiantly, blindingly obvious. Amys smile wavered. Shed felt like that once, lifetimes ago.
She tweaked Daisys dress for something to do and stood back. Are you ready?
Her smile glowed brighter still. Oh, yes, Daisy said softly. Do I look OK?
Amy laughed indulgently and hugged her. You look stunning. Ben will be blown away.
I hope not, I want him here! Daisy glanced down at Florence, fizzing silently on the end of Amys arm, on her very best behaviour. She looked like a fairy in her pretty little dress and she was so excited Amy thought she was going to pop.
OK, darling? Daisy asked.
Florence nodded, her eyes like saucers, and for a second she looked so like Benso like Mattthat Amys heart squeezed painfully with the ache of loss.
Lets go then, Daisy said, stooping to kiss her about-to-be stepdaughter, and with a quick, supportive hug for Amy that nearly unravelled her, she turned and took her fathers arm.
As they gave the signal for the processional music, Amy sucked in a deep, slow breath.
You can do this, she told herself desperately. Ignore him. Just keep your eyes on Daisys back, and youll be fine.
And then with Florence at her side, she fell in behind them, her eyes glued on Daisy as they walked slowly down between the rows of guests to where Ben was waiting.
Ben, and Matt.
Dont look
Matts hair was slightly longer than his twins, more tousled, the dark, silky strands so familiar that her fingers still remembered the feel of them. His back was ramrod straight, his shoulders broad, square, uncompromising.
She shouldnt have looked. She should have kept her eyes on Daisy, but they wouldnt obey her and her heart was pounding so hard she was sure hed hear it.
Please dont turn round
He didnt move a muscle.
He couldnt see her, but he could feel her there, getting closer. She was behind him, over his left shoulder, and there was no way he was turning round to look. Just getting through the ceremony was going to be hard enough, without making it harder by rubbing salt into the wound her presence here had ripped wide open.
Not that it had ever really healed.
Bens hand brushed his, their fingers tangling and gripping for a second in a quick, wordless exchange.
You OK?
Sure. You?
Never better, and youre lying, but thanks for being here.
Youre welcome. Wouldnt have it any other way.
Out of the corner of his eye Matt saw Daisy draw level with Ben, saw him reach out to her. He could feel their love like a halo around them, the huge depth of caring and emotion threatening to swamp him. The sort of love hed felt for Amy
Hang on in there. You can do it. It wont take long.
He heard Ben murmur something to Daisy, heard her murmur back, but he had no idea what they said. All his senses were trained on the woman standing behind Daisy. He could hear the rustle of her dress, feel the tension radiating off her, smell the slight drift of her achingly familiar perfume.
How could he be so aware of her? He closed his eyes, taking a moment to calm his thoughts, to settle it all down, to get the lid back on the box. There. He was fine. He could do this.
The ceremony began, and then it was his turn. All he had to do was to take the rings from his pocket and hand them over. Which meant he had to move, to turnnot far, but just far enough to see
Amy
The lid blew off the box with the force of an explosion, and he dropped the rings in Bens outstretched hand and stepped sharply back to his place, his emotions reeling.
He had to concentrate on Ben and Daisy. This was their day, and he and Amy were in the past. Gone.
But not, apparently, forgotten.
Not by a long way.
The ceremony was interminable.
Her whole body was shaking and she was finding it really hard to concentrate on anything but Matt. Crazy, since she worked with Ben almost every day and they were scarily alike. The most identical of identical twins, with one huge differenceshe loved Matt with all her broken, guarded heart, and today was the first time shed had to face him in four years
Dont go there!
She felt Florence wriggle at the end of her arm, and glanced down.
Yous squeezing me! she whispered, and she realised she had a death grip on the little girls hand. Sorry, she mouthed, wincing, but Florence smiled up at her and patted her hand.
S OK, Amy, I know yous scared, she replied in a stage whisper that made several of the guests smile, and in the row beside her Amy heard Florences mother give a quiet, despairing chuckle.
But then the ceremony was over, and Ben was kissing Daisy while everyone clapped and cheered, and Florence wriggled out of Amys loosened grip and ran to them. Laughing, Ben scooped her up and kissed her, too, and as Amy watched Matt turned slowly towards her and their eyes met and locked.
Time stopped. She felt the room start to swim, and she dragged in a quick breath, then another. Matt frowned, then moved swiftly, his fingers gripping her elbow. Are you all right? he murmured, his voice low, gruff and painfully familiar.
She swayed against him. All right? Not in a million years, but she wasnt telling him that. She straightened up.
Im fine. Low blood sugar, she lied, and with a slight frown he let her go. Not that it made any difference. The skin of her arm was tingling from the touch of his fingers, her highly sensitised flesh branded by each one.
We have to sign the register, he said, and she nodded. They did. They should have done it years ago, but not like this. Not as witnesses
OK now?
Fine, she said shortly, and took that vital and symbolic step away from him before she gave into the urge to turn her face into his chest and howl.
He thought it would never end.
The smiling, the greeting of old friends and family, the meeting of new people. And of course there were people there whod known Amy. People who should have been at their wedding.
Isnt that ?
Yessmall world, isnt it? She and Daisy are old friends. How are you? Its good to see you again
And on, and on, until he was ready to scream.
He drank rather more than was sensible, considering he had to make a speech, but every time he caught sight of Amy it was as if hed been drenched in iced water and he felt stone cold sober. They sat down to eat at last, strung out in a line with Ben and Daisy and two sets of parents between them, and he was glad that his brother and his new sister-in-law had opted for a long top table instead of a round one.
Or maybe that was why they had, thinking ahead to this moment.
Florence was with Jane and Peter at another table, and he winked at her and she winked back, her little face screwing up as she tried to shut just one eye. It made him laugh, in an odd, detached way.
And then finally the food was eaten, the champagne glasses were filled and it was time for the speeches.
Amy didnt want to listen to his speech, but she had little choice. None, in fact, but she loved Daisy and shed grown increasingly fond of Ben, and this was their wedding and she wanted to be here for it. And Matt wasnt going to spoil it for her, she told herself firmly as Daisys father got to his feet.
He welcomed Ben to their family with a warmth in his voice that made Daisy cry, then Ben gave a funny, tender and rather endearing speech about Daisy and the change shed made to his life, thanked everyone for coming to share their day, and then with a grin at Matt he said, Now, before I hand you over to my clone for the ritual character assassination Im sure Ive got coming, Id like you to raise your glasses to two very special and beautiful women. One is my wifes dearest friend, Amy, and the other is my precious daughter, Florence. I know Daisys appreciated their support and their help in giving us such a wonderful day to enjoy together. Amy particularly has worked absolutely tirelessly on the arrangements, and I think shes done a brilliant job. And Florence has painstakingly decorated and filled the little favour boxes for you all, so we hope you enjoy them. Ladies and gentlemen, the bridesmaids!
She was grateful to little Florence, who was kneeling up on her chair giggling and attracting all the eyes in the room, because it meant fewer people were looking at her while she struggled with her prickling eyes and the rising tide of colour on her cheeks.
And then it was Matts turn, and he was smiling engagingly at everyone as if he did this kind of thing all the time. He probably did, she thought. Hed always had a way with words.
Youll have to forgive my deluded brother, he began drily. Being the firstborn just makes him the prototype, and we all know they need refining, but Im very pleased to be here today because after thirty-four years of arguments, black eyes, mind-blowingly foolish stunts and some underhanded, downright cheating, its been settled. I am officially the best man, and now we can move on with our lives!
There was a ripple of laughter round the room, but then he went on, On the subject of twins, we didnt get to bed very early last night. Ben, Daisy and I ended up delivering two rather special babies shortly before midnight, and I found myself wondering, will those little girls have as much fun growing up as we did? Because it wasnt all fights. I always had a friend, a playmate, someone to lean on. Someone to swap with. We did that quite a lotin fact, Daisy, are you sure thats Ben? You wouldnt be the first person to fall for it. I think Jenny Wainwrights still confused.
No, Im quite sure, hes much more good-looking! Daisy said, laughing and hugging Ben.
It sounded silly, but Amy absolutely understood how she felt. The similarities were obvious. The differences were more subtle but they were definitely there, not only in their looks but in their characters, and her reaction to them was utterly different.
Ben could talk to her and she just heard his words. Matt talked, and her soul seemed to tune into hisbut right now, she didnt need that spiritual connection that seemed to call to every cell in her body. She didnt need to feel the rich tones of his deep, warm voice swirling round her, that slight Yorkshire accent teasing at her senses, and with an effort she made herself listen to what he was saying.
She was glad she did. He was very, very funny, but also very moving. He told tales of their childhood escapades, but also their closeness, their enduring friendship, and finally he wound up, and she felt her heart hammer because she knewshe just knewhe was going to look at her and she was going to have to smile.
Now, my jobas the best man, he added with a grin, is to thank Ben for his kind remarks about Daisys beautiful bridesmaids, and I have to say hes right, Florence is the cutest little bridesmaid Ive ever seen. And as for Amy He turned to face her, as shed known he would, and his smile twisted a little. Well, its my duty and privilege to escort this beautiful woman for the rest of the day, so sorry, guys, youll have to find someone else to dance with. Shes all mine. There have to be some perks to the job.
Amy tried to smile as he tilted his glass to her, drained it and sat down to cheers and applause, but it was a feeble attempt.
She was dreading the rest of the party. She would have to dance with him, and there was no getting out of it. As chief bridesmaid and best man, that was their role, but the irony wasnt lost on her.
As far as she was concerned, Matt wasnt the best manhe was the only man.
And when the chips were down, when shed needed him most, hed walked away.
Good weddingthe hotel have looked after you well. Its a great venue.
Ben smiled. Isnt it? We were really lucky to get it at such short notice. Good speech, by the way. Thank you.
Matt frowned slightly, feeling another stab of guilt. Dont thank me. I wasnt there for you last time. I should have been.
No. You were absolutely right at the time, neither of us should have been there. I shouldnt have married Jane, and you werent exactly in the right place to worry about me. You had enough going on with Amy. Matt, are you really OK with this?
Matt met Bens eyes briefly and looked away. Yeah, Im fine.
Amys not.
I know.
She still loves you.
He snorted rudely and drained his glass. Hardly. I think shes finding it a little awkward, thats all. Shell be fine.
Or she would as long as he kept avoiding her.
Ben made a soft, disbelieving noise and caught Daisys eye. He nodded and looked back at Matt, his eyes seeing far too much for comfort. Were going to cut the cake now, and then have the first dance. And then
I know. He pretended to straighten Bens cravat. Dont worry, I wont renege on my duties.
I wasnt suggesting you would. I was just going to say be kind to Amy.
He looked up at Ben again, his older brother by mere moments, and laughed. Whatlike she was kind to me?
She was hurting.
And I wasnt? He gave a harsh sigh and rammed a hand through his hair. Dont worry. Ill be good. You go and cut your cake and have your dance, and Ill play my part. I wont let you down.
Its not me Im worried about, Ben muttered, but Matt pushed him towards his wife and turned away. He didnt need to scan the room for Amy. His radar hadnt let him down. She was right there, by the French doors out onto the terrace, talking to two women that he didnt recognise.
One was visibly pregnant, the other had a baby in her arms, and for a moment his heart squeezed with pain. Ahh, Amy
She could feel him watching her, the little hairs on the back of her neck standing to attention.
He was getting closer, she knew it. Shed managed to avoid him up to now, and shed known it was too good to last.
Excuse me, Amytheyre going to cut the cake and then have the first dance.
And then it would be time for the second dance, the one shed been dreading, and shed have to dance with him and lookwell, civilised would be a good thing to try for, she thought as she turned round to face him.
OK. Ill come over. Give me a moment.
She turned back to Katie and Laura, and after a second she felt him move away, and her shoulders sagged a fraction.
Amy, are you all right, honey? Katie asked, juggling the baby with one arm so she could hug her.
She returned the hug briefly and straightened up, easing away. Im fine.
Well, you dont look fine, Laura said, her eyes narrowing. Are you sick? Youre awfully pale.
Im just tired. Its been a busy week. Id better go.
She left them, letting out a soft sigh as she walked away. Shed never told them about Matt, and shed asked Daisy not to discuss it. The fewer people at the wedding who knew they had history, the better. It was hard enough facing his mother, whod given her a swift, gentle hug and patted her back as if she was soothing a child.
Shed nearly cried. Shed loved Liz. Shed been endlessly kind to her, incredibly welcoming, and she hadnt seen her since
Amy, were going toGosh, sweetheart, are you all right?
Daisys face was puckered with concern, and Amy rolled her eyes.
Daisy, dont fuss, Im just tired. We didnt go to bed till nearly one and the cat was walking all over me all night. And weve been up for hours, if you remember.
I know. I just
Im fine, she said firmly. Matt said youre going to cut the cake.
We are. Amy, are you sure you can do this? If you want to leave
I dont want to leave! Its your wedding! Go and cut the cake, and we can have champagne and cake and dancing and itll be wonderful. Now shoo.
Amy turned her round and pushed her towards her husband, who held his hand out to her and drew her into his arms for yet another kiss.
They do seem genuinely happy together.
She froze. How had he crept up on her? She hadnt felt him approachingmaybe because shed been so intensely aware of him all day that her senses were overloaded.
They are, she said, her voice a little ragged. Theyre wonderful together.
Shes very fond of you.
Its mutual. Shes lovely. Shes been through a lot, and shes been a really good friend to me.
Which is why youre here, when youd rather be almost anywhere else in the world.
Speak for yourself.
He gave a soft huff of laughter, teasing the hair on the back of her neck. I was, he answered, and despite the laugh, his voice had a hollow ring to it. Still, needs must. Right, here we go. I think Bens going to make a bit of a speech to welcome the evening guests before they cut the cake.
He was still standing behind her, slightly to one side, and she could feel his breath against her bare shoulder, feel the warmth radiating from his big, solid body.
The temptation to lean back into himto rest her head against his cheek, to feel him curve his hand round her hip and ease her closer as he would have done beforenearly overwhelmed her. Instead, she stepped away slightly, pretending to shift so she could see them better, but in fact she could see perfectly well, and he must have realised that.
She heard him sigh, and for some crazy reason it made her feel sad. Crazy, because it had been him that had left her, walking away just when she needed him the most, so why on earth should she feel sad for him? So he was still alone, according to Ben. So what? So was she. There were worse things than being alone. At least it was safe.
Daisy chose the music for our first dance, Ben was saying, his smile wry. It has a special meaning for us. While were dancing, Id like you to imagine the moment we metjust about thirty seconds after the kitchen ceiling and half a bath of water came down on my head.
And with that, they cut the cake, the lights were dimmed and the band started playing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
There was a ripple of laughter and applause, but then they all went quiet as Ben, still smiling, drew Daisy into his arms as if she was the most precious thing hed ever held.
Damn, Amy thought, sniffing hard, and then a tissue arrived in her hand, on a drift of cologne that brought back so many memories she felt the tears well even faster.
OK?
No, she wasnt. She was far from OK, she thought crossly, and she wished everyone would stop asking her that.
Im fine.
He sighed softly. Look, Amy, I know this is awkward, but we just have to get through it for their sakes. I dont want to do it any more than you do, but its not for long.
Long enough. A second in his arms would be long enough to tear her heart wide open
The dance was over, the music moved on and without hesitation Matt took her hand, the one with the tissue still clutched firmly in it, led her onto the dance floor and turned her into his arms.
Just pretend you dont hate me, he told her, with a smile that didnt reach his eyes, and she breathed in, needing oxygen, and found nothing but that cologne again.
Holding her was torture.
A duty and a privilege, as hed said in his speech?
Or just an agonising reminder of all hed lost?
She had one hand on his shoulder, the other cradled in his left, and his right hand was resting lightly against her waist, so he could feel the slender column of her spine beneath his splayed fingers, the shift of her ribs as she breathed, the flex of the muscles as she moved in time to the music. She felt thinner, he thought. Well, she would. The last time hed held her, he thought with a wave of sadness, shed been pregnant with their child.
One dance merged into another, and then another. He eased her closer, and with a sigh that seemed to shudder through her body, she rested her head on his shoulder and yielded to the gentle pressure of his hand. Her thighs brushed his, and he felt heat flicker along his veins. Oh, Amy. Hed never forgotten her, never moved on. Not really.
And as he cradled her against his chest, her pale gold hair soft under his cheek, he realised hed been treading water for years, just waiting for the moment when he could hold her again.
He sighed, and she felt his warm breath tease her hair, sending tiny shivers running through her like fairies dancing over her skin. It made her feel light-headed again, and she stepped back.
I need some air, she mumbled, and tried to walk away, but her hand was still firmly wrapped in his, and he followed her, ushering her through the crowd and out of the French doors into the softly lit courtyard. Groups of people were standing around talking quietly, laughing, and she breathed in the cooler air with a sigh of relief.
Better?
She nodded. Yes. Thanks.
Dont thank me. You look white as a sheet. Have you eaten today?
We just had a meal.
And you hardly touched it. My guess is you didnt have lunch, either, and you probably skipped breakfast. No wonder you had low blood sugar earlier. Come on, lets go and raid the buffet. I didnt eat much, either, and Im starving.
He was right on all counts. She was hungry, and she had skipped lunch, but only because shed lost her breakfast. She never could eat when she was nervous, and shed been so, so nervous for the last few days her stomach had been in knots, and this morning it had rebelled. And that dizzy spell could well have been low blood sugar, now she came to think about it.
Its probably not a bad idea, she conceded, and let him lead her to the buffet table. She put a little spoonful of something on her plate, and he growled, shoved his plate in her other hand and loaded them both up.
I cant eat all that! she protested, but he speared her with a look from those implacable blue eyes and she gave up. He could put it on the plate. Didnt mean she had to eat it.
Ill help you. Come on, lets find a quiet corner.
He scooped up two sets of cutlery, put them in his top pocket, snagged a couple of glasses of wine off a passing waiter and shepherded her across the floor and back out to the courtyard.
OK out here, or is it too cold for you in that dress?
Its lovely. Its a bit warm in there.
Right. Here, look, theres a bench.
He steered her towards it, handed her a glass and sat back, one ankle on the other knee and the plate balanced on his hand while he attacked the food with his fork.
Hed always eaten like that, but that was medicine for you, eating on the run. Maybe he thought they should get it over with and then he could slide off and drink with the boys. Well, if the truth be told he didnt have to hang around for her.
Youre not eating.
Im too busy wondering why you dont have chronic indigestion, the speed youre shovelling that down.
He gave a short chuckle. Sorry. Force of habit. And I was starving. He put the plate down for a moment and picked up his glass. So, how are you, really?
Really? She hesitated, the fork halfway to her mouth. Did he honestly want to know? Probably not.
Im fine.
Hows the job?
OK. I like it. As with any job it has its ups and downs. Mostly ups. The hospitals a good place to work.
Yes, so Ben says. He stared pensively down into his glass, swirling it slowly. You didnt have to leave London, you know. We were never going to bump into each other at different hospitals.
No? She wasnt surenot sure enough, at least, that shed felt comfortable staying there. Up here, shed been able to relaxuntil Ben had arrived. Ever since then shed been waiting for Matt to turn up unexpectedly on the ward to visit his brother, and the monoamniotic twins theyd delivered last night had been something hed taken a special interest in, so once Melanie Grieves had been admitted, shed been on tenterhooks all the time. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Well, now it had, and it was every bit as bad as shed expected.
I like it here, it was a good move for me, she said, and then changed the subject firmly. Whos Jenny Wainwright?
He laughed, a soft, warm chuckle that told her a funny story was coming. Bens first girlfriend. We were thirteen or so. Theyd been dating for weeks, and she wouldnt let him kiss her, so I talked him into letting me take his place on the next date, to see if I had more luck.
And did you?
His mouth twisted into a wry smile. No. Not that time. I did about two years later, though, at a party, and she told me he kissed better, so I went and practised on someone else.
She laughed, as hed wanted her to, but all she could think was that whoever hed practised on had taught him well. She ought to thank herexcept of course he wasnt hers to kiss any more. Regret swamped her, and as she looked across and met his eyes, she saw tenderness in them and a gentle, puzzled sadness. Ive missed you, he said softly, and she gulped down a sudden, convulsive little sob.
Ive missed you, too, she admitted, her voice unsteady.
He stared at her searchingly, then glanced down. Are you all done with that food?
Food? She looked at her plate. Shed eaten far more than shed thought she would, to her surprise, and she was feeling much better. Yes. Do you want the rest?
No, Im fine, but Im supposed to be entertaining you, so lets go and dance.
Out of duty? Or because he wanted to? She hesitated for a second, then stood up, raising an eyebrow at him. Whichever, she wanted to dance with him, and she wasnt going to get another chance.
Come on, then, if you really want to.
Oh, yes. He wanted. He got to his feet and led her back to the dance floor.
Shed always loved dancing, and he loved dancing with her, loved the feel of her body, the lithe, supple limbs, the sleek curves, the warmth of her against him.
He didnt get to hold her, though, not at first. The tempo was fasttoo fast, he decided, after a couple of dances, so he reeled her in and halved the beat, cherishing the moment because he knew it wouldnt last. How could it, with all they had behind them? But nowhe had her now, in his arms, against his heart, and his body ached for her.
The tempo slowed, moving seamlessly from one unashamedly romantic, seductive number to another, until they were swaying against each other, her arms draped around his neck, his hands splayed against her back, the fingers of one hand resting lightly on the warm, soft skin above the back of her dress, the other hand lower, so all he had to do was slip it down a fraction and he could cup the firm swell of her bottom and ease her closer
She felt his hand move, felt him draw her in so she could feel every move he made. Their legs had somehow meshed together so his thigh was between hers, nudging gently with every slight shift of his body, brushing the soft silk of her dress against her legs and driving out all her common sense.
She knew him so well, had danced with him so many times, and it was so easy to rest against him, to lay her head against his chest and listen to the deep, steady thud of his heart, to slide her fingers through his hair and sift the silky strands that she remembered so well.
Easier, still, to turn her head, to feel the graze of stubble against her temple and tilt her face towards him, to feel the soft warmth of his lips as they took hers in a tentative, questioning kiss.
I love you
Had he said that? Had she?
She lifted her head and touched her lips to his again, and his breath seared over her skin in a shuddering sigh.
Amy
Matt
He lifted his head and stared down at her in the dim light on the edge of the dance floor, their eyes locked as each of them battled against the need raging within them. She could feel him fighting it, feel herself losing just as he closed his eyes and unclasped her hands from behind his neck, sliding his hand down her arm and linking their fingers as he led her off the dance floor and up the broad, sweeping staircase to the floor above in a tense, brittle silence.
They didnt speak to anyone. They passed people in the hall, people on the stairsthey didnt stop, didnt look left or right, until the door of his room was opened and closed again behind them, and then he cradled her face and stared down into her eyes once more.
Still he didnt speak, and neither did she. What was there to say? Nothing that would make any sense.
Slowly, with infinite tenderness, he touched his lips to hers again, and she whimpered softly and clutched at him, desperate for the feel of him, for his body on her, in her, surrounding and filling her.
Please, she whispered silently, but he heard her and took a step back, stripping without finesse, heeling off his beautiful handmade shoes, his hired suit hitting the floor and crumpling in a heap. After a brief fight with his cufflinks the shirt followed, then the boxers, the socks, and he spun her and searched blindly for the zip.
Here. She lifted her arm so he could find it, sucking her breath in as he tugged it down and the dress fell to the floor, puddling round her ankles and leaving her standing there in nothing but a tiny scrap of lace.
A rough groan was torn from his throat and he lifted her in his arms and lowered her carefully to the middle of the bed. Fingers shaking, he hooked his fingers into the lace at her hips, easing it away, following its path down the length of her legs with his lips, the slight roughness of his stubble grazing the sensitive skin as he inched his way to her feet, driving her to the edge.
He turned his head, looked back at her, and his eyes were black with need. She whimpered, her legs twitching under his warm, firm hands, and he moved, nudging her thighs apart, so nearly thereand then he froze, his face agonised.
Amy, we cantI havent
Im on the Pill.
The breath sighed out of him in a rush, and he gathered her into his arms, held her for a moment, and then his lips found hers again and he was there, filling her, bringing a sob of relief from her as his body slid home and she tightened around him.
Matt
Oh, God, Amy, Ive missed you, he whispered, and then he started to move, his body shaking with control until she was sick of waiting and arched under him, her hands tugging at him, begging for more.
And he gave her more, pulling out all the stops, driving her higher and higher until she came apart in his arms, her reserve splintering under the onslaught of his unleashed passion.
Then he held her, his body shuddering in release, his heart slamming against his ribs so hard he thought theyd break, until gradually it slowed and he rolled to his side, taking her with him, their bodies still locked together as the aftershocks of their lovemaking faded slowly away into the night.
CHAPTER TWO
HE MADE love to her again in the night, reaching for her in the darkness, bringing her body slowly awake with sure, gentle hands and whispered kisses. She laid her hand tenderly against his cheek, savouring the rasp of stubble against her palm, her thumb dragging softly over the firm fullness of his lower lip.
He opened his mouth, drawing her thumb inside and sucking it deeply, his tongue exploring it, his teeth nipping lightly and making the breath catch in her throat. She shifted so she could reach him, her hands running over him now, checking for changes and finding only sweet, familiar memories. He moved on, his mouth warm and moist against her skin, and she joined in, their lips tracing tender trails across each others bodies. They were taking their time now for leisurely explorations, the darkness shielding them from emotions they couldnt bear to exposeemotions too dark, too painful to consider.
That wasnt what this night was about, Amy thought later as she lay awake beside him listening to the deep, even rhythm of his breathing. It was for old times sake, no-longer lovers reaching out to touch fleetingly what had once been theirs to love.
She was under no illusions. After the wedding, Matt would be going back to London, and shed be staying here, nursing her still-broken heart but with a little more tenderness, a little more forgiveness in her soul. He wasnt indifferent. Clearly not. But their lives had moved on, gone in different directions, and maybe it was for the best.
Maybe this was the way forward, for both of them. A little healing salve smeared gently over their wounds, kissing each other better.
She shifted slightly, seeking the warmth of his body, and he reached for her again in his sleep, drawing her closer, their legs tangled, her head pillowed on his shoulder as she slept, until the first light of dawn crept round the edges of the curtains.
He woke her gently, his voice a soft murmur in her ear.
Amy?
Mmm.
Amy, its morning.
Mmm.
Youre in my room.
Mmm. I know.
Sweetheart, everyone will know soon.
Her eyes flew open, and she sucked in a breath, the night coming back to her in a flood of memory and sudden awkwardness. Oh, rats. Damn. UmMatt, help me get dressed.
She threw the quilt off and starting searching for her underwear. Stupid, stupid Where the hell are my pants?
Pants? He nearly laughed. Try cobwebs.
Take the dressing gown on the back of the doorhave you got your room key?
Yes, of course. Its
In her clutch bag, which wassomewhere. She flopped back down onto the edge of the bed, dragging the quilt back over herself to hide her body from his eyes. Pointless, after hed explored it so thoroughly, knew it so well in any case, but she was suddenly smitten with shyness. Its in my clutch bag, she admitted.
Which is ?
Good question. Downstairs?
He groaned and rolled away from her, vanishing into the bathroom and emerging a few minutes later damp, tousled and unshaven. And stark naked, the water drops still clinging to his body gleaming in the spill of light from the bathroom door and drawing her hungry eyes. He flipped open his overnight bag, pulled out some jeans and boxers and a shirt, dressed quickly and took the room key out of the door lock.
Whats your bag look like? he asked briskly, and she dragged her mind off his body and tried to concentrate.
Cream satin, about so big, little bronzy chain. Its got a lipstick, a tissue and the room key in it.
Any ideas where?
She shrugged. The edge of the dance floor? I put it down at one point.
He left her there, hugging her knees in the middle of the bed, looking rumpled and gorgeous and filled with regret.
He knew all about that one. How could he have been so stupid?
And why was she on the Pill, for heavens sake? Was she in a relationship? Or did she do this kind of thing all the time?
Hell, he hoped not. The thought of his Amy casually
He swallowed hard and ran downstairs, to find that staff were already starting the mammoth clean-up operation.
Im looking for a cream satin evening bag, he told someone, and was directed to the night porters office.
This the one?
He wasnt sure, so he opened it and found exactly what shed said inside. Well, if the room key fitted
He went to it, and it gave him immediate access. Her case was there, unopened, inside the unused room, and he carried it back to her.
Oh, Matt, youre a star. Thank you.
Anything to spare a ladys blushes. Ill go to your room, he said, and if anyone knocks on the door, just ignore them. Itll only be Ben or my parents, and theyll ring me if its anything important.
He slipped his mobile into his pocket, picked up his wallet and did the same, then gave Amy an awkward smile. I guess Ill see you at breakfast.
She nodded, looking embarrassed now, her grey eyes clouded with something that could have been shame, and without dragging it out he left her there and went to the room that should have been hers, lay on the bed and let his breath out on a long, ragged sigh.
What a fool. All hed done, all hed proved, was that hed never stopped loving her. Well, hell, hed known that before. It had hardly needed underlining.
He rolled to his side, thumped the pillow into the side of his neck and tried to sleep.
How could she have been so stupid?
Shed known seeing him again would be dangerous to her, but she hadnt realised how dangerous. She pulled the hotel gown tighter round her waist and moved to the chair by the window. She had a view over the courtyard where theyd had their buffet supper, could see the bench if she craned her neck.
Sudden unexpected tears glazed her eyes, and she swiped them away and sniffed hard. Shed done some stupid things in her life, most of them with Matt, and this was just the icing on the cake.
She got up and put the little kettle on to make tea, and found her pills in her washbag and popped one out. Thank God for synthetic hormones, she thought drily as she swallowed the pill. Or maybe not, because without the medication to control her irregular periods, they would never have spent the night together.
Which would have been a good thing, she told herself firmly. But telling him she was on the Pill was a two-edged sword. He probably thought she was a slut.
I dont care what he thinks, its none of his damn business and at least I wont get pregnant again, she said to the kettle, and made herself a cup of tea and sat cradling it and staring down into the courtyard until it was stone cold.
And then she nearly dropped it, because Matt was there, outside in the courtyard garden just below her, sitting on the bench with a cup in his hand and checking something on his phone.
He made a call, then put the cup down and walked swiftly across the courtyard out of sight. One of his patients in London needing his attention? Or Melanie Grieves, mother of the little twins theyd delivered on Friday night?
Or just coming inside to see whoever hed spoken tohis parents, maybe?
Moments later, there was a soft knock at the door.
Amy? Its Matt.
She let him in reluctantly and tried to look normal and less like an awkward teenager. Everything OK?
Yes. Im going to see Melanie Grieves. Ben asked me to keep an eye on her.
She nodded. Are you coming back for breakfast and to say goodbye to everyone?
Yes. I dont want to be lynched. Let me take my stuff, and Ill get out of your way. Heres your room key. Hang onto mine as well for now. Ill get it off you later. He scooped up the suit, the shirt, the underwear, throwing them in the bag any old how and zipping it, and then he hesitated. For a second she thought he was about to kiss her, but then he just picked up his bag and left without a backward glance.
Amy let out the breath shed been holding since hed come in, and sat down on the end of the bed. There was no point in hanging around in his room, she thought. Shed shower and dress, and go downstairs and see if anyone was around.
Unlikely. The party had gone on long after theyd left it, and everyone was probably still in bedwhere she would be, in her own room, if she had a grain of sense.
Well, shed proved beyond any reasonable doubt that she didnt, she thought, and felt the tears welling again.
Damn him. Damn him for being sosojust so irresistible. Well, never again. Without his body beside her, without the feel of his warmth, the tenderness of his touch, it all seemed like a thoroughly bad idea, and she knew the aftermath of it would haunt her for ages.
Years.
Forever?
Melanie Grieves was fine.
Her wound was healing, her little twins were doing very well and apart from a bit of pain she was over the moon. He hadnt really needed to come and see her, hed just had enough of sitting around in the hotel beating himself up about Amy.
Not that he shouldnt be doing that. Hed been a total idiot, and she really, really didnt need him falling all over her like he had last night. And leaving the dance floor like thatGod knows what everyone had thought of them. He hadnt even asked her, just dragged her up the stairs and into his room like some kind of caveman.
He growled in frustration and slammed the car door shut. Hed better go back, better show his face and try and lie his way out of it. Better still, find Amy and get their story straight before his mother got her side of it and bent his ear. Shed always taken Amys side.
Oh, hell.
He dropped his head forwards and knocked it gently against the hard, leatherbound steering wheel. Such a fool. And his head hurt. Good. It would remind him not to drink so much in future. Hed thought he was sober enough, but obviously not. If hed been sober
His phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket and stared at the screen. Ben. Damn.
He ignored it. Hed talk to Amy firstif he got to her before they did. If only he had her number. Shed probably changed it, but maybe not. He dialled it anyway as he turned into the hotel car park, and she answered on the second ring.
Hello?
Amy, its Matt. We need to talkwe will have been seen last night. Where are you now?
Oh, damn. In the courtyard. Bring coffee.
Stressed as he was, he smiled at that. He found a breakfast waitress and ordered a pot of coffee and a basket of bacon rolls, then went and found her.
She was waiting, her heart speeding up as she caught sight of him, her nerves on edge. She couldnt believe what shed done, couldnt believe she was going to sit here with him and concoct some cock-and-bull story to tell his family. Her friends. Oh, lord
Hows Mel? she asked, sticking to something safe.
Fine. The babies are both doing well.
Good. Ben and Daisyll be pleased.
Silence. Of course there was, she thought. What was there to say, for heavens sake? Thank you for the best sex Ive had in over four years? Not to say the only ?
Any sign of the others? he asked after the silence had stretched out into the hereafter, and she shook her head.
No. I put my bag in the car. Heres your room key. Sowhats the story?
We wanted to talk?
We didnt talk, Matt, she reminded him bluntly.
Pity they hadnt, she thought for the thousandth time. If theyd talked, they might have had more sense.
You were feeling sick? he suggested.
Whatfrom all that champagne?
Its not impossible.
I had less than you.
I think its probably fair to say we both had more than was sensible, he said drily, and she had to agree, but not out loud. She wasnt feeling that magnanimous.
Maybe nobody noticed? she said without any real conviction, and he gave a short, disbelieving laugh.
Dream on, Amy. I dragged you off the dance floor and up the stairs in full view of everyone. I think someone will have noticed.
She groaned and put her face in her hands, and then he started to laugh again, a soft, despairing sound that made her lift her head and meet his eyes. What?
I have some vague recollection of passing my parents in the hall.
She groaned again. It just got better and better.
Maybe you thought I needed to lie down? she suggested wildly. Perhaps Id told you I was feeling rough? Its not so unlikely, and its beginning to look like the best option.
We could always tell them the truth.
If we knew what it was, she thought, but the waitress arrived then with the tray of coffee and bacon rolls, and she seized one and sank her teeth into it and groaned. Oh, good choice, she mumbled, and he laughed.
Our default hangover food, he said, bringing the memories crashing back. Want some ketchup?
Thats disgusting, she said, watching him squirt a dollop into his bacon roll and then demolish it in three bites before reaching for another. The times theyd done that, woken up on the morning after the night before and hed cooked her bacon rolls and made her coffee.
Hed done that after their first night together, she remembered. And when shed come out of hospital after
She put the roll down and reached for her coffee, her appetite evaporating.
So when are you off? she asked.
Tuesday morning, he said, surprising her. Things are quiet at work at the moment, so I said Id keep an eye on Mel till Ben and Daisy get back. Theyre only away for two nights.
Are you staying here?
No. Im going back to Bens.
She nodded. It made sense, but she wasnt thrilled. Shed be tripping over him in the hospital at random times, bumping into him at Daisys house when she went to feed Tabithabecause if he was next door at Bens, there was no way she was going to stay there, as shed half thought she might, to keep the cat company.
Or moving in and renting it as theyd suggested, come to that. Not after last nights folly. The last thing she wanted was to be bumping into Bens brother every time he came up to visit them.
Daisy had stayed in her own house adjoining Bens until the wedding because of Florence, but shed be moving into his half when they came back, and theyd offered her Daisys house. They wanted a tenant they could trust, and her lease was coming up for renewal, and it was a lot nicer than her flat for all sorts of reasons.
It had off-road parking, a garden, a lovely conservatoryand the best neighbours in the world. Shed been debating whether to take it, because of the danger of bumping into Matt who was bound to be coming back and forth to visit them, but after thiswell, how could she relax?
She couldnt. It would have been bad enough before.
Why dont we just tell them to mind their own business? she suggested at last. It really is nothing to do with them if we chose to
She broke off, and he raised a brow thoughtfully.
Chose to?
But his phone rang, and he scanned the screen and answered it, pulling a face.
Hi, Ben.
Is that a private party over there, or can we join you?
He looked up, and saw his brother and brand-new sister-in-law standing in the doorway watching them across the courtyard.
Amy followed the direction of his eyes, and sighed.
Stand by to be grilled like a kipper, she muttered, and stood up to hug Daisy. Well, good morning. Hows the head?
Daisy smiled smugly, looking very pleased with herself. Clear as a bell. In case you didnt notice, I wasnt drinking.
Amy frowned, then looked from one to the other and felt the bottom fall out of her stomach. Bens eyes were shining, and there was a smile he couldnt quite hide. Ohthats wonderful, she said softly, and then to her utter humiliation her eyes welled over. She hugged Daisy hard, then turned to Benjust in time to see Matt release him with a look in his eyes she hadnt seen since
Congratulations, thats amazing, he said gruffly, and gathered Daisy up and hugged her, too, his expression carefully veiled now.
Except that Amy could still see it, lingering in the back of his eyes, a fleeting echo of a grief once so raw it had torn them apart.
So, whens it due? he asked, going through the motions. Not that he wasnt interested, but today of all days
The tenth of May. Its very, very early on, Daisy said wryly. I did the test this morning.
Right after she threw up.
Matt gave a soft huff of sympathetic laughter. Poor Daisy. It passes, Im reliably informed by my patients. Thats right, keep it impersonal
Its a good sign, Amy said, her voice slightly strained to his ears. Means the pregnancys secure. Unlike hers. Oh, God, beam me up
Changing the subject, its none of my business, but Ben began, but Matt knew exactly where this was going and cut him off.
Youre right, its not. We needed to talk, there were a lot of people about. Amy slept in my room, and I went to hers.
At a quarter to six this morning, but they didnt need to know that, and he was darned sure they wouldnt have been up and about that early. But someone was.
Yeah, Mum said she saw you coming out of your room and going to another one at some ungodly hour.
Damn. Of all the people
I went to get my phone so I could ring the hospital, he lied, but hed never been able to lie convincingly to Ben, and as their eyes met he saw Ben clock the lie and yet say nothing.
As hed said himself, it was none of his business, and he obviously realised hed overstepped the mark. Hed back him up, though, if their mother said any more, of that Matt was sure. So how is Mel? Ben asked, moving smoothly on, and Matt let out a slight sigh of relief.
Fine. Theyre all fine. Ive been in to see them, and theyre all doing really well. She was keen to hear all about the wedding. I promised Id take her some cakeunless you want to do it when you come back?
No, you go for it. Im glad shes well. Thanks for going in.
My pleasure. Did you order coffee or do you want me to do it?
Daisy pulled a face. Can we have something less smelly, and something to eat? I really dont think I can wait till breakfast.
Sure. Ill order decaf tea. What about bacon rolls?
Oh, yes-s-s-s! she said fervently. Amazing! Matt, youre a genius.
He smiled, glancing across at Amy and sensing, rather than seeing, the sadness that lingered in her. She was smiling at Daisy, but underneath it all was grief, no longer raw and untamed, maybe, but there for all that.
Would it ever get easier? Ever truly go away?
He hoped so, but he was very much afraid that he was wrong.
Well, hello, Mummy Grieves! Are you up for visitors?
Oh, yes! Hello, Amy, how are you? How was the wedding? Did Daisy look beautiful?
Utterly gorgeous, but I bet she wasnt as gorgeous as your little girls. Arent you going to introduce me?
Of course. I hope you dont mind, but weve called them Daisy and Amy, because you two have been so kind and we really love the names.
Oh, thats so sweet of you, thank you, Amy said, her eyes filling. In a rare complication, the twins had shared the same amniotic sac, and the danger of their cords tangling had meant Mel had been monitored as an inpatient for several weeks, and she and Daisy had got to know Mel very well. And this She blinked hard and sniffed, and Mel hugged her.
Thank you, she corrected. So, this is Amy. Want a cuddle?
Id better notinfection risk, she lied. That was why shed gone on her way in, so her clothes were clean, but the last thing she wanted was to hold them. Delivering babies was one thing. Going out of her way to cuddle themwell, she just didnt.
She admired them both, though, Amy first, then Daisy, their perfect little features so very alike and yet slightly different. Can you tell them apart yet? she asked Mel, and she smiled and nodded.
Oh, yes. I could see the differences straight away. Adrian cant always, but hell learn, I expect. And Mr Walker and his brothertheyre very alike, too, arent they, but I can tell the difference. Theres just something.
Amy swallowed. Oh, yes. Ben didnt have the ability to turn her into a total basket case just by walking into the room, and just to prove it, Matt strolled in then and she felt her stomach drop to the floor and her heart lurch.
Talk of the Devil, she said brightly, and saying goodbye to Mel, she slipped past him, trying not to breath in the faint, lingering scent of soap and cologne, but it drifted after her on the air.
Just one more day. Hell be gone tomorrow.
It couldnt come soon enough
He found her, the next day, working in the ward office filling out patient records on the computer.
Im off, he said, and she looked up and wondered why, when shed been so keen to see him go, she should feel a pang of sadness that she was losing him.
Ridiculous. She wasnt losing him, he wasnt hers! And anyway, since the wedding theyd hardly seen each other. But that didnt mean they hadnt both been painfully, desperately aware. Yet he hadnt once, in all that time, suggested they repeat the folly of Saturday night
Got time for a coffee?
She glanced up at the clock. Actually, she had plenty of time. There was nothing going on, for once, and although no doubt now shed thought that all hell would break loose, for the minute, anyway, it was quiet.
Did she want to make time for a coffee? Totally different question.
I can spare five minutes, she said, logging off the computer and sliding back her chair.
He ushered her through the door first, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back, and she felt the warmth, the security of it all the way through to her bones. Except it was a false sense of security.
We ought to talk, he said quietly, once they were seated in the caf.
She stirred her coffee, chasing the froth round the top, frowning at it as if it held the answers. Is there anything to say?
He laughed, a short, harsh sound that cut the air. Amy, we spent the night together, he saidunnecessarily, since shed hardly forgotten.
For old times sake, she pointed out. That was all.
Was it? Was it really?
Yes. It really was.
He stared at her, searching her eyes for the longest moment, and then the expression in them was carefully banked and he looked away. OK. If thats what you want.
It wasnt. She wanted him, but she couldnt trust him, because when her world had disintegrated and shed needed him more than shed ever needed anybody in her life, hed turned his back on her.
She wasnt going through that again, not for him, not for anybody.
It is what I want, she lied. It didnt work, Matt, and theres no use harking back to it. We need to let it go.
His eyes speared her. Have you?
Let it go? Let her baby go?
She sucked in a breath and looked away.
I didnt think so, he said softly. Well, if it helps you any, neither have I. And I havent forgotten you, Amy.
She closed her eyes, wishing he would go, wishing he could stay. She heard the scrape of a chair, felt the touch of his hand on her shoulder.
You know where I am if you change your mind.
I wont, she vowed. She couldnt. She didnt dare. She simply wasnt strong enough to survive a second time.
He bent, tipped her head back with his fingers and dropped the gentlest, sweetest, saddest kiss on her lips.
Goodbye, Amy. Take care of yourself.
And then he was gone, walking swiftly away, leaving her there alone in the middle of the crowded caf. She wanted to get up, to run after him, to yell at him to stop, she was sorry, she didnt mean it, please stay. But she didnt.
Somehow, just barely, she managed to stop herself, and no doubt one day shed be grateful for that.
But right now, she felt as if shed just thrown away her last chance at happiness, and all she wanted to do was cry.
CHAPTER THREE
IT TOOK her weeks to work out what was going on.
Weeks in which Matt was in her head morning, noon and night. She kept telling herself shed done the right thing, that not seeing him again was sensible, but it wasnt easy to convince herself. Not easy at all, and Daisy and Ben being so blissfully happy didnt help.
She ached for him so much it was physical, but shed done the right thing, sending him away. She had. She couldnt rely on him, couldnt trust him again with her heart. And she was genuinely relieved when her period came right on cue, because although she might want him, the thought of going through another pregnancy terrified her, and for the first time since the wedding she felt herself letting go of an inner tension she hadnt even been aware of.
She could move on now. Theyd said their goodbyes, and it was done.
Finished.
The autumn came and went, and December arrived with a vengeance. It rained, and when it wasnt raining, it was sleeting, and then it dried up and didnt thaw for days. And her boiler broke down in her flat.
Marvellous, she thought. Just what she needed. She contacted her landlord, but it would be three weeks before it could be replacedmore, maybe, because plumbers were rushed off their feet after the freezeand so she gave in to Ben and Daisys gentle nagging, and moved into Daisys house just ten days before Christmas.
Its only temporary, till my boilers fixed, she told them firmly, but they just smiled and nodded and refused to take any rent on the grounds that it was better for the house to be occupied.
Then Daisy had her twenty-week scan, and of course she asked to see the photo. What else could she do? And she thought shed be fine, she saw them all the time in her work, but it really got to her. Because of the link to Matt? She had no idea, but it haunted her that day and the next, popping up in every quiet moment and bringing with it a rush of grief that threatened to undermine her. She and Matt had been so happy, so deliriously overjoyed back then. And then, so shortly before her scan was due
A laugh jerked her out of her thoughts, a laugh so like Matts that it could so easily have been him, and she felt her heart squeeze. Stupid. She knew it was Ben. She heard him laugh all the time. And every time, she felt pain like a solid ball wedged in her chest.
She missed him. So, so much.
Oh, Amy, great, I was hoping Id find you here. New admissionthirty-four weeks, slight show last night, mild contractions which could just be Braxton Hicks. Have you got time to admit her for me, please? Shes just moved to the area last week, so we havent seen her before but shes got her hand-held notes.
She swiped the tears from her cheeks surreptitiously while she pretended to stifle a yawn. Sure. I could do with a break from this tedious admin. Ill just log off and Ill be with you. Whats her name?
Helen Kendall. Shes in the assessment room.
Amy found her sitting on the edge of the chair looking worried and guilty, and she introduced herself.
Im so sorry to just come in, Helen said, but I was worried because Ive been really overdoing it with the move and Im just so tired, she blurted out, and then she started to cry.
Oh, Helen, Amy said, sitting down next to her and rubbing her back soothingly. Youre exhaustedcome on, lets get you into a gown and into bed, and let us take care of you.
Its all my fault, I shouldnt have let him talk me into it, we should have waited and now the babys going to be too early, she sobbed. Oh, she could understand the guilt all too well, but thirty-four weeks wasnt too early. Not like eighteen weeks
Its not your fault, she said with a calm she didnt feel, and thirty-four weeks is quite manageable if it comes to that. It may well not. Come on, chin up, and lets find out whats going on.
She handed Helen a gown, then left her alone for a few minutes to change and do a urine sample while she took the time to get her emotions back in order. What was the matter with her? She didnt think about her baby at all, normally. It was seeing that picture of Daisys baby, and thinking about Matt againalways Matt.
She pulled herself together and went back to Helen.
This was her first pregnancy, it had been utterly straightforward and uncomplicated to this point, and there was no reason to suspect that anything would go wrong even if she did give birth early. The baby was moving normally, its heartbeat was loud and strong, and Helen relaxed visibly when she heard it.
Oh, thats so reassuring, she said, her eyes filling, and she was still caressing her bump with a gentle, contented smile on her face when Ben arrived.
OK, Helen, lets have a look at this baby and see how were doing, he said, and Amy watched the monitor.
The baby was a good size for her dates, there was no thinning of Helens uterus as yet, and her contractions might well stop at this point, if she was lucky. Not everyone was.
She sucked in a breath and stepped back, and Ben glanced up at her and frowned.
You OK?
Just giving you a bit more room, she lied.
He grunted. It was a sound she understood. Matt used to do the same thing when he knew she was lying. Maybe they were more alike than shed realised.
Right, Helen, Im happy with that. Well monitor you, but Im pretty sure theyre just Braxton Hicks and this will all settle down. Well give you drugs to halt it if we can and steroids to mature the babys lungs just to be on the safe side, and then if its all stable and theres no change overnight, you can go home tomorrow.
.
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, (https://www.litres.ru/caroline-anderson/the-fiancee-he-can-t-forget/) .
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Caroline Anderson
Seeing ex-fiance Amy at his brothers wedding throws Matt Walkers world dangerously off-balance. Their relationship imploded years ago, but hes never got her out of his head and neither can resist a one-night-only reunion! But Matt wants a lifetime by Amys side, not a night, and a pregnancy bombshell gives him the chance to prove itThe Legendary Walker Doctors finally find the women who can live up to their dreams!
About the Author
CAROLINE ANDERSON has the mind of a butterfly. Shes been a nurse, a secretary, a teacher, run her own soft-furnishing business, and now shes settled on writing. She says, I was looking for that elusive something. I finally realised it was variety, and now I have it in abundance. Every book brings new horizons and new friends, and in between books I have learned to be a juggler. My teacher husband John and I have two beautiful and talented daughters, Sarah and Hannah, umpteen pets, and several acres of Suffolk that nature tries to reclaim every time we turn our backs! Caroline also writes for Mills & Boon
Cherish
.
The Fiance He Cant Forget
Caroline Anderson
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
Table of Contents
Cover (#u17b58116-fa0a-5fc0-a8b0-70b0ad48d26c)
About the Author (#uc54b01a5-53d3-5b30-a9d7-37dbeaecbb47)
Title Page (#u7fa94ab2-1f36-54cb-983f-3070a9e876e6)
More Praise for Caroline Anderson: (#ua6dc32ee-bf33-53e6-82ea-900da6525148)
Chapter One (#u24a20e74-b01e-5c6d-83bb-c2e7c2eef473)
Chapter Two (#u9d47cbf0-95d8-59f9-8989-2b602186055c)
Chapter Three (#u493a5aeb-e420-5ad1-b5bc-62d5f9184852)
Chapter Four (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Five (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Six (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Seven (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Eight (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Nine (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
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Jenni, stirs up old emotions on both sides. Very
young when she married him, Maisiepregnant and
disowned by her familywas miserable living in
Scotland with Robs judgmental parents, and left after
little more than a year. Maisie hasnt found another
partner, and neither has Rob. Can they find a way to
trust each other again, after all this time? This lovely
reunion romance is rich with emotion and humour, and
all of the characters are exquisitely rendered.
RT Book Reviews on MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
CHAPTER ONE
ARE you OK?
Was she?
She wasnt sure. Her heart was pounding, her legs felt like jelly and her stomach was rebelling, but it was Daisys wedding day, so Amy dug around and dredged up some kind of a smile.
Im fine.
Sure?
Absolutely! she lied, and tried to make the smile look more convincing. She didnt even need to ask how Daisy was. She was lit up from inside with a serene joy that was radiantly, blindingly obvious. Amys smile wavered. Shed felt like that once, lifetimes ago.
She tweaked Daisys dress for something to do and stood back. Are you ready?
Her smile glowed brighter still. Oh, yes, Daisy said softly. Do I look OK?
Amy laughed indulgently and hugged her. You look stunning. Ben will be blown away.
I hope not, I want him here! Daisy glanced down at Florence, fizzing silently on the end of Amys arm, on her very best behaviour. She looked like a fairy in her pretty little dress and she was so excited Amy thought she was going to pop.
OK, darling? Daisy asked.
Florence nodded, her eyes like saucers, and for a second she looked so like Benso like Mattthat Amys heart squeezed painfully with the ache of loss.
Lets go then, Daisy said, stooping to kiss her about-to-be stepdaughter, and with a quick, supportive hug for Amy that nearly unravelled her, she turned and took her fathers arm.
As they gave the signal for the processional music, Amy sucked in a deep, slow breath.
You can do this, she told herself desperately. Ignore him. Just keep your eyes on Daisys back, and youll be fine.
And then with Florence at her side, she fell in behind them, her eyes glued on Daisy as they walked slowly down between the rows of guests to where Ben was waiting.
Ben, and Matt.
Dont look
Matts hair was slightly longer than his twins, more tousled, the dark, silky strands so familiar that her fingers still remembered the feel of them. His back was ramrod straight, his shoulders broad, square, uncompromising.
She shouldnt have looked. She should have kept her eyes on Daisy, but they wouldnt obey her and her heart was pounding so hard she was sure hed hear it.
Please dont turn round
He didnt move a muscle.
He couldnt see her, but he could feel her there, getting closer. She was behind him, over his left shoulder, and there was no way he was turning round to look. Just getting through the ceremony was going to be hard enough, without making it harder by rubbing salt into the wound her presence here had ripped wide open.
Not that it had ever really healed.
Bens hand brushed his, their fingers tangling and gripping for a second in a quick, wordless exchange.
You OK?
Sure. You?
Never better, and youre lying, but thanks for being here.
Youre welcome. Wouldnt have it any other way.
Out of the corner of his eye Matt saw Daisy draw level with Ben, saw him reach out to her. He could feel their love like a halo around them, the huge depth of caring and emotion threatening to swamp him. The sort of love hed felt for Amy
Hang on in there. You can do it. It wont take long.
He heard Ben murmur something to Daisy, heard her murmur back, but he had no idea what they said. All his senses were trained on the woman standing behind Daisy. He could hear the rustle of her dress, feel the tension radiating off her, smell the slight drift of her achingly familiar perfume.
How could he be so aware of her? He closed his eyes, taking a moment to calm his thoughts, to settle it all down, to get the lid back on the box. There. He was fine. He could do this.
The ceremony began, and then it was his turn. All he had to do was to take the rings from his pocket and hand them over. Which meant he had to move, to turnnot far, but just far enough to see
Amy
The lid blew off the box with the force of an explosion, and he dropped the rings in Bens outstretched hand and stepped sharply back to his place, his emotions reeling.
He had to concentrate on Ben and Daisy. This was their day, and he and Amy were in the past. Gone.
But not, apparently, forgotten.
Not by a long way.
The ceremony was interminable.
Her whole body was shaking and she was finding it really hard to concentrate on anything but Matt. Crazy, since she worked with Ben almost every day and they were scarily alike. The most identical of identical twins, with one huge differenceshe loved Matt with all her broken, guarded heart, and today was the first time shed had to face him in four years
Dont go there!
She felt Florence wriggle at the end of her arm, and glanced down.
Yous squeezing me! she whispered, and she realised she had a death grip on the little girls hand. Sorry, she mouthed, wincing, but Florence smiled up at her and patted her hand.
S OK, Amy, I know yous scared, she replied in a stage whisper that made several of the guests smile, and in the row beside her Amy heard Florences mother give a quiet, despairing chuckle.
But then the ceremony was over, and Ben was kissing Daisy while everyone clapped and cheered, and Florence wriggled out of Amys loosened grip and ran to them. Laughing, Ben scooped her up and kissed her, too, and as Amy watched Matt turned slowly towards her and their eyes met and locked.
Time stopped. She felt the room start to swim, and she dragged in a quick breath, then another. Matt frowned, then moved swiftly, his fingers gripping her elbow. Are you all right? he murmured, his voice low, gruff and painfully familiar.
She swayed against him. All right? Not in a million years, but she wasnt telling him that. She straightened up.
Im fine. Low blood sugar, she lied, and with a slight frown he let her go. Not that it made any difference. The skin of her arm was tingling from the touch of his fingers, her highly sensitised flesh branded by each one.
We have to sign the register, he said, and she nodded. They did. They should have done it years ago, but not like this. Not as witnesses
OK now?
Fine, she said shortly, and took that vital and symbolic step away from him before she gave into the urge to turn her face into his chest and howl.
He thought it would never end.
The smiling, the greeting of old friends and family, the meeting of new people. And of course there were people there whod known Amy. People who should have been at their wedding.
Isnt that ?
Yessmall world, isnt it? She and Daisy are old friends. How are you? Its good to see you again
And on, and on, until he was ready to scream.
He drank rather more than was sensible, considering he had to make a speech, but every time he caught sight of Amy it was as if hed been drenched in iced water and he felt stone cold sober. They sat down to eat at last, strung out in a line with Ben and Daisy and two sets of parents between them, and he was glad that his brother and his new sister-in-law had opted for a long top table instead of a round one.
Or maybe that was why they had, thinking ahead to this moment.
Florence was with Jane and Peter at another table, and he winked at her and she winked back, her little face screwing up as she tried to shut just one eye. It made him laugh, in an odd, detached way.
And then finally the food was eaten, the champagne glasses were filled and it was time for the speeches.
Amy didnt want to listen to his speech, but she had little choice. None, in fact, but she loved Daisy and shed grown increasingly fond of Ben, and this was their wedding and she wanted to be here for it. And Matt wasnt going to spoil it for her, she told herself firmly as Daisys father got to his feet.
He welcomed Ben to their family with a warmth in his voice that made Daisy cry, then Ben gave a funny, tender and rather endearing speech about Daisy and the change shed made to his life, thanked everyone for coming to share their day, and then with a grin at Matt he said, Now, before I hand you over to my clone for the ritual character assassination Im sure Ive got coming, Id like you to raise your glasses to two very special and beautiful women. One is my wifes dearest friend, Amy, and the other is my precious daughter, Florence. I know Daisys appreciated their support and their help in giving us such a wonderful day to enjoy together. Amy particularly has worked absolutely tirelessly on the arrangements, and I think shes done a brilliant job. And Florence has painstakingly decorated and filled the little favour boxes for you all, so we hope you enjoy them. Ladies and gentlemen, the bridesmaids!
She was grateful to little Florence, who was kneeling up on her chair giggling and attracting all the eyes in the room, because it meant fewer people were looking at her while she struggled with her prickling eyes and the rising tide of colour on her cheeks.
And then it was Matts turn, and he was smiling engagingly at everyone as if he did this kind of thing all the time. He probably did, she thought. Hed always had a way with words.
Youll have to forgive my deluded brother, he began drily. Being the firstborn just makes him the prototype, and we all know they need refining, but Im very pleased to be here today because after thirty-four years of arguments, black eyes, mind-blowingly foolish stunts and some underhanded, downright cheating, its been settled. I am officially the best man, and now we can move on with our lives!
There was a ripple of laughter round the room, but then he went on, On the subject of twins, we didnt get to bed very early last night. Ben, Daisy and I ended up delivering two rather special babies shortly before midnight, and I found myself wondering, will those little girls have as much fun growing up as we did? Because it wasnt all fights. I always had a friend, a playmate, someone to lean on. Someone to swap with. We did that quite a lotin fact, Daisy, are you sure thats Ben? You wouldnt be the first person to fall for it. I think Jenny Wainwrights still confused.
No, Im quite sure, hes much more good-looking! Daisy said, laughing and hugging Ben.
It sounded silly, but Amy absolutely understood how she felt. The similarities were obvious. The differences were more subtle but they were definitely there, not only in their looks but in their characters, and her reaction to them was utterly different.
Ben could talk to her and she just heard his words. Matt talked, and her soul seemed to tune into hisbut right now, she didnt need that spiritual connection that seemed to call to every cell in her body. She didnt need to feel the rich tones of his deep, warm voice swirling round her, that slight Yorkshire accent teasing at her senses, and with an effort she made herself listen to what he was saying.
She was glad she did. He was very, very funny, but also very moving. He told tales of their childhood escapades, but also their closeness, their enduring friendship, and finally he wound up, and she felt her heart hammer because she knewshe just knewhe was going to look at her and she was going to have to smile.
Now, my jobas the best man, he added with a grin, is to thank Ben for his kind remarks about Daisys beautiful bridesmaids, and I have to say hes right, Florence is the cutest little bridesmaid Ive ever seen. And as for Amy He turned to face her, as shed known he would, and his smile twisted a little. Well, its my duty and privilege to escort this beautiful woman for the rest of the day, so sorry, guys, youll have to find someone else to dance with. Shes all mine. There have to be some perks to the job.
Amy tried to smile as he tilted his glass to her, drained it and sat down to cheers and applause, but it was a feeble attempt.
She was dreading the rest of the party. She would have to dance with him, and there was no getting out of it. As chief bridesmaid and best man, that was their role, but the irony wasnt lost on her.
As far as she was concerned, Matt wasnt the best manhe was the only man.
And when the chips were down, when shed needed him most, hed walked away.
Good weddingthe hotel have looked after you well. Its a great venue.
Ben smiled. Isnt it? We were really lucky to get it at such short notice. Good speech, by the way. Thank you.
Matt frowned slightly, feeling another stab of guilt. Dont thank me. I wasnt there for you last time. I should have been.
No. You were absolutely right at the time, neither of us should have been there. I shouldnt have married Jane, and you werent exactly in the right place to worry about me. You had enough going on with Amy. Matt, are you really OK with this?
Matt met Bens eyes briefly and looked away. Yeah, Im fine.
Amys not.
I know.
She still loves you.
He snorted rudely and drained his glass. Hardly. I think shes finding it a little awkward, thats all. Shell be fine.
Or she would as long as he kept avoiding her.
Ben made a soft, disbelieving noise and caught Daisys eye. He nodded and looked back at Matt, his eyes seeing far too much for comfort. Were going to cut the cake now, and then have the first dance. And then
I know. He pretended to straighten Bens cravat. Dont worry, I wont renege on my duties.
I wasnt suggesting you would. I was just going to say be kind to Amy.
He looked up at Ben again, his older brother by mere moments, and laughed. Whatlike she was kind to me?
She was hurting.
And I wasnt? He gave a harsh sigh and rammed a hand through his hair. Dont worry. Ill be good. You go and cut your cake and have your dance, and Ill play my part. I wont let you down.
Its not me Im worried about, Ben muttered, but Matt pushed him towards his wife and turned away. He didnt need to scan the room for Amy. His radar hadnt let him down. She was right there, by the French doors out onto the terrace, talking to two women that he didnt recognise.
One was visibly pregnant, the other had a baby in her arms, and for a moment his heart squeezed with pain. Ahh, Amy
She could feel him watching her, the little hairs on the back of her neck standing to attention.
He was getting closer, she knew it. Shed managed to avoid him up to now, and shed known it was too good to last.
Excuse me, Amytheyre going to cut the cake and then have the first dance.
And then it would be time for the second dance, the one shed been dreading, and shed have to dance with him and lookwell, civilised would be a good thing to try for, she thought as she turned round to face him.
OK. Ill come over. Give me a moment.
She turned back to Katie and Laura, and after a second she felt him move away, and her shoulders sagged a fraction.
Amy, are you all right, honey? Katie asked, juggling the baby with one arm so she could hug her.
She returned the hug briefly and straightened up, easing away. Im fine.
Well, you dont look fine, Laura said, her eyes narrowing. Are you sick? Youre awfully pale.
Im just tired. Its been a busy week. Id better go.
She left them, letting out a soft sigh as she walked away. Shed never told them about Matt, and shed asked Daisy not to discuss it. The fewer people at the wedding who knew they had history, the better. It was hard enough facing his mother, whod given her a swift, gentle hug and patted her back as if she was soothing a child.
Shed nearly cried. Shed loved Liz. Shed been endlessly kind to her, incredibly welcoming, and she hadnt seen her since
Amy, were going toGosh, sweetheart, are you all right?
Daisys face was puckered with concern, and Amy rolled her eyes.
Daisy, dont fuss, Im just tired. We didnt go to bed till nearly one and the cat was walking all over me all night. And weve been up for hours, if you remember.
I know. I just
Im fine, she said firmly. Matt said youre going to cut the cake.
We are. Amy, are you sure you can do this? If you want to leave
I dont want to leave! Its your wedding! Go and cut the cake, and we can have champagne and cake and dancing and itll be wonderful. Now shoo.
Amy turned her round and pushed her towards her husband, who held his hand out to her and drew her into his arms for yet another kiss.
They do seem genuinely happy together.
She froze. How had he crept up on her? She hadnt felt him approachingmaybe because shed been so intensely aware of him all day that her senses were overloaded.
They are, she said, her voice a little ragged. Theyre wonderful together.
Shes very fond of you.
Its mutual. Shes lovely. Shes been through a lot, and shes been a really good friend to me.
Which is why youre here, when youd rather be almost anywhere else in the world.
Speak for yourself.
He gave a soft huff of laughter, teasing the hair on the back of her neck. I was, he answered, and despite the laugh, his voice had a hollow ring to it. Still, needs must. Right, here we go. I think Bens going to make a bit of a speech to welcome the evening guests before they cut the cake.
He was still standing behind her, slightly to one side, and she could feel his breath against her bare shoulder, feel the warmth radiating from his big, solid body.
The temptation to lean back into himto rest her head against his cheek, to feel him curve his hand round her hip and ease her closer as he would have done beforenearly overwhelmed her. Instead, she stepped away slightly, pretending to shift so she could see them better, but in fact she could see perfectly well, and he must have realised that.
She heard him sigh, and for some crazy reason it made her feel sad. Crazy, because it had been him that had left her, walking away just when she needed him the most, so why on earth should she feel sad for him? So he was still alone, according to Ben. So what? So was she. There were worse things than being alone. At least it was safe.
Daisy chose the music for our first dance, Ben was saying, his smile wry. It has a special meaning for us. While were dancing, Id like you to imagine the moment we metjust about thirty seconds after the kitchen ceiling and half a bath of water came down on my head.
And with that, they cut the cake, the lights were dimmed and the band started playing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
There was a ripple of laughter and applause, but then they all went quiet as Ben, still smiling, drew Daisy into his arms as if she was the most precious thing hed ever held.
Damn, Amy thought, sniffing hard, and then a tissue arrived in her hand, on a drift of cologne that brought back so many memories she felt the tears well even faster.
OK?
No, she wasnt. She was far from OK, she thought crossly, and she wished everyone would stop asking her that.
Im fine.
He sighed softly. Look, Amy, I know this is awkward, but we just have to get through it for their sakes. I dont want to do it any more than you do, but its not for long.
Long enough. A second in his arms would be long enough to tear her heart wide open
The dance was over, the music moved on and without hesitation Matt took her hand, the one with the tissue still clutched firmly in it, led her onto the dance floor and turned her into his arms.
Just pretend you dont hate me, he told her, with a smile that didnt reach his eyes, and she breathed in, needing oxygen, and found nothing but that cologne again.
Holding her was torture.
A duty and a privilege, as hed said in his speech?
Or just an agonising reminder of all hed lost?
She had one hand on his shoulder, the other cradled in his left, and his right hand was resting lightly against her waist, so he could feel the slender column of her spine beneath his splayed fingers, the shift of her ribs as she breathed, the flex of the muscles as she moved in time to the music. She felt thinner, he thought. Well, she would. The last time hed held her, he thought with a wave of sadness, shed been pregnant with their child.
One dance merged into another, and then another. He eased her closer, and with a sigh that seemed to shudder through her body, she rested her head on his shoulder and yielded to the gentle pressure of his hand. Her thighs brushed his, and he felt heat flicker along his veins. Oh, Amy. Hed never forgotten her, never moved on. Not really.
And as he cradled her against his chest, her pale gold hair soft under his cheek, he realised hed been treading water for years, just waiting for the moment when he could hold her again.
He sighed, and she felt his warm breath tease her hair, sending tiny shivers running through her like fairies dancing over her skin. It made her feel light-headed again, and she stepped back.
I need some air, she mumbled, and tried to walk away, but her hand was still firmly wrapped in his, and he followed her, ushering her through the crowd and out of the French doors into the softly lit courtyard. Groups of people were standing around talking quietly, laughing, and she breathed in the cooler air with a sigh of relief.
Better?
She nodded. Yes. Thanks.
Dont thank me. You look white as a sheet. Have you eaten today?
We just had a meal.
And you hardly touched it. My guess is you didnt have lunch, either, and you probably skipped breakfast. No wonder you had low blood sugar earlier. Come on, lets go and raid the buffet. I didnt eat much, either, and Im starving.
He was right on all counts. She was hungry, and she had skipped lunch, but only because shed lost her breakfast. She never could eat when she was nervous, and shed been so, so nervous for the last few days her stomach had been in knots, and this morning it had rebelled. And that dizzy spell could well have been low blood sugar, now she came to think about it.
Its probably not a bad idea, she conceded, and let him lead her to the buffet table. She put a little spoonful of something on her plate, and he growled, shoved his plate in her other hand and loaded them both up.
I cant eat all that! she protested, but he speared her with a look from those implacable blue eyes and she gave up. He could put it on the plate. Didnt mean she had to eat it.
Ill help you. Come on, lets find a quiet corner.
He scooped up two sets of cutlery, put them in his top pocket, snagged a couple of glasses of wine off a passing waiter and shepherded her across the floor and back out to the courtyard.
OK out here, or is it too cold for you in that dress?
Its lovely. Its a bit warm in there.
Right. Here, look, theres a bench.
He steered her towards it, handed her a glass and sat back, one ankle on the other knee and the plate balanced on his hand while he attacked the food with his fork.
Hed always eaten like that, but that was medicine for you, eating on the run. Maybe he thought they should get it over with and then he could slide off and drink with the boys. Well, if the truth be told he didnt have to hang around for her.
Youre not eating.
Im too busy wondering why you dont have chronic indigestion, the speed youre shovelling that down.
He gave a short chuckle. Sorry. Force of habit. And I was starving. He put the plate down for a moment and picked up his glass. So, how are you, really?
Really? She hesitated, the fork halfway to her mouth. Did he honestly want to know? Probably not.
Im fine.
Hows the job?
OK. I like it. As with any job it has its ups and downs. Mostly ups. The hospitals a good place to work.
Yes, so Ben says. He stared pensively down into his glass, swirling it slowly. You didnt have to leave London, you know. We were never going to bump into each other at different hospitals.
No? She wasnt surenot sure enough, at least, that shed felt comfortable staying there. Up here, shed been able to relaxuntil Ben had arrived. Ever since then shed been waiting for Matt to turn up unexpectedly on the ward to visit his brother, and the monoamniotic twins theyd delivered last night had been something hed taken a special interest in, so once Melanie Grieves had been admitted, shed been on tenterhooks all the time. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Well, now it had, and it was every bit as bad as shed expected.
I like it here, it was a good move for me, she said, and then changed the subject firmly. Whos Jenny Wainwright?
He laughed, a soft, warm chuckle that told her a funny story was coming. Bens first girlfriend. We were thirteen or so. Theyd been dating for weeks, and she wouldnt let him kiss her, so I talked him into letting me take his place on the next date, to see if I had more luck.
And did you?
His mouth twisted into a wry smile. No. Not that time. I did about two years later, though, at a party, and she told me he kissed better, so I went and practised on someone else.
She laughed, as hed wanted her to, but all she could think was that whoever hed practised on had taught him well. She ought to thank herexcept of course he wasnt hers to kiss any more. Regret swamped her, and as she looked across and met his eyes, she saw tenderness in them and a gentle, puzzled sadness. Ive missed you, he said softly, and she gulped down a sudden, convulsive little sob.
Ive missed you, too, she admitted, her voice unsteady.
He stared at her searchingly, then glanced down. Are you all done with that food?
Food? She looked at her plate. Shed eaten far more than shed thought she would, to her surprise, and she was feeling much better. Yes. Do you want the rest?
No, Im fine, but Im supposed to be entertaining you, so lets go and dance.
Out of duty? Or because he wanted to? She hesitated for a second, then stood up, raising an eyebrow at him. Whichever, she wanted to dance with him, and she wasnt going to get another chance.
Come on, then, if you really want to.
Oh, yes. He wanted. He got to his feet and led her back to the dance floor.
Shed always loved dancing, and he loved dancing with her, loved the feel of her body, the lithe, supple limbs, the sleek curves, the warmth of her against him.
He didnt get to hold her, though, not at first. The tempo was fasttoo fast, he decided, after a couple of dances, so he reeled her in and halved the beat, cherishing the moment because he knew it wouldnt last. How could it, with all they had behind them? But nowhe had her now, in his arms, against his heart, and his body ached for her.
The tempo slowed, moving seamlessly from one unashamedly romantic, seductive number to another, until they were swaying against each other, her arms draped around his neck, his hands splayed against her back, the fingers of one hand resting lightly on the warm, soft skin above the back of her dress, the other hand lower, so all he had to do was slip it down a fraction and he could cup the firm swell of her bottom and ease her closer
She felt his hand move, felt him draw her in so she could feel every move he made. Their legs had somehow meshed together so his thigh was between hers, nudging gently with every slight shift of his body, brushing the soft silk of her dress against her legs and driving out all her common sense.
She knew him so well, had danced with him so many times, and it was so easy to rest against him, to lay her head against his chest and listen to the deep, steady thud of his heart, to slide her fingers through his hair and sift the silky strands that she remembered so well.
Easier, still, to turn her head, to feel the graze of stubble against her temple and tilt her face towards him, to feel the soft warmth of his lips as they took hers in a tentative, questioning kiss.
I love you
Had he said that? Had she?
She lifted her head and touched her lips to his again, and his breath seared over her skin in a shuddering sigh.
Amy
Matt
He lifted his head and stared down at her in the dim light on the edge of the dance floor, their eyes locked as each of them battled against the need raging within them. She could feel him fighting it, feel herself losing just as he closed his eyes and unclasped her hands from behind his neck, sliding his hand down her arm and linking their fingers as he led her off the dance floor and up the broad, sweeping staircase to the floor above in a tense, brittle silence.
They didnt speak to anyone. They passed people in the hall, people on the stairsthey didnt stop, didnt look left or right, until the door of his room was opened and closed again behind them, and then he cradled her face and stared down into her eyes once more.
Still he didnt speak, and neither did she. What was there to say? Nothing that would make any sense.
Slowly, with infinite tenderness, he touched his lips to hers again, and she whimpered softly and clutched at him, desperate for the feel of him, for his body on her, in her, surrounding and filling her.
Please, she whispered silently, but he heard her and took a step back, stripping without finesse, heeling off his beautiful handmade shoes, his hired suit hitting the floor and crumpling in a heap. After a brief fight with his cufflinks the shirt followed, then the boxers, the socks, and he spun her and searched blindly for the zip.
Here. She lifted her arm so he could find it, sucking her breath in as he tugged it down and the dress fell to the floor, puddling round her ankles and leaving her standing there in nothing but a tiny scrap of lace.
A rough groan was torn from his throat and he lifted her in his arms and lowered her carefully to the middle of the bed. Fingers shaking, he hooked his fingers into the lace at her hips, easing it away, following its path down the length of her legs with his lips, the slight roughness of his stubble grazing the sensitive skin as he inched his way to her feet, driving her to the edge.
He turned his head, looked back at her, and his eyes were black with need. She whimpered, her legs twitching under his warm, firm hands, and he moved, nudging her thighs apart, so nearly thereand then he froze, his face agonised.
Amy, we cantI havent
Im on the Pill.
The breath sighed out of him in a rush, and he gathered her into his arms, held her for a moment, and then his lips found hers again and he was there, filling her, bringing a sob of relief from her as his body slid home and she tightened around him.
Matt
Oh, God, Amy, Ive missed you, he whispered, and then he started to move, his body shaking with control until she was sick of waiting and arched under him, her hands tugging at him, begging for more.
And he gave her more, pulling out all the stops, driving her higher and higher until she came apart in his arms, her reserve splintering under the onslaught of his unleashed passion.
Then he held her, his body shuddering in release, his heart slamming against his ribs so hard he thought theyd break, until gradually it slowed and he rolled to his side, taking her with him, their bodies still locked together as the aftershocks of their lovemaking faded slowly away into the night.
CHAPTER TWO
HE MADE love to her again in the night, reaching for her in the darkness, bringing her body slowly awake with sure, gentle hands and whispered kisses. She laid her hand tenderly against his cheek, savouring the rasp of stubble against her palm, her thumb dragging softly over the firm fullness of his lower lip.
He opened his mouth, drawing her thumb inside and sucking it deeply, his tongue exploring it, his teeth nipping lightly and making the breath catch in her throat. She shifted so she could reach him, her hands running over him now, checking for changes and finding only sweet, familiar memories. He moved on, his mouth warm and moist against her skin, and she joined in, their lips tracing tender trails across each others bodies. They were taking their time now for leisurely explorations, the darkness shielding them from emotions they couldnt bear to exposeemotions too dark, too painful to consider.
That wasnt what this night was about, Amy thought later as she lay awake beside him listening to the deep, even rhythm of his breathing. It was for old times sake, no-longer lovers reaching out to touch fleetingly what had once been theirs to love.
She was under no illusions. After the wedding, Matt would be going back to London, and shed be staying here, nursing her still-broken heart but with a little more tenderness, a little more forgiveness in her soul. He wasnt indifferent. Clearly not. But their lives had moved on, gone in different directions, and maybe it was for the best.
Maybe this was the way forward, for both of them. A little healing salve smeared gently over their wounds, kissing each other better.
She shifted slightly, seeking the warmth of his body, and he reached for her again in his sleep, drawing her closer, their legs tangled, her head pillowed on his shoulder as she slept, until the first light of dawn crept round the edges of the curtains.
He woke her gently, his voice a soft murmur in her ear.
Amy?
Mmm.
Amy, its morning.
Mmm.
Youre in my room.
Mmm. I know.
Sweetheart, everyone will know soon.
Her eyes flew open, and she sucked in a breath, the night coming back to her in a flood of memory and sudden awkwardness. Oh, rats. Damn. UmMatt, help me get dressed.
She threw the quilt off and starting searching for her underwear. Stupid, stupid Where the hell are my pants?
Pants? He nearly laughed. Try cobwebs.
Take the dressing gown on the back of the doorhave you got your room key?
Yes, of course. Its
In her clutch bag, which wassomewhere. She flopped back down onto the edge of the bed, dragging the quilt back over herself to hide her body from his eyes. Pointless, after hed explored it so thoroughly, knew it so well in any case, but she was suddenly smitten with shyness. Its in my clutch bag, she admitted.
Which is ?
Good question. Downstairs?
He groaned and rolled away from her, vanishing into the bathroom and emerging a few minutes later damp, tousled and unshaven. And stark naked, the water drops still clinging to his body gleaming in the spill of light from the bathroom door and drawing her hungry eyes. He flipped open his overnight bag, pulled out some jeans and boxers and a shirt, dressed quickly and took the room key out of the door lock.
Whats your bag look like? he asked briskly, and she dragged her mind off his body and tried to concentrate.
Cream satin, about so big, little bronzy chain. Its got a lipstick, a tissue and the room key in it.
Any ideas where?
She shrugged. The edge of the dance floor? I put it down at one point.
He left her there, hugging her knees in the middle of the bed, looking rumpled and gorgeous and filled with regret.
He knew all about that one. How could he have been so stupid?
And why was she on the Pill, for heavens sake? Was she in a relationship? Or did she do this kind of thing all the time?
Hell, he hoped not. The thought of his Amy casually
He swallowed hard and ran downstairs, to find that staff were already starting the mammoth clean-up operation.
Im looking for a cream satin evening bag, he told someone, and was directed to the night porters office.
This the one?
He wasnt sure, so he opened it and found exactly what shed said inside. Well, if the room key fitted
He went to it, and it gave him immediate access. Her case was there, unopened, inside the unused room, and he carried it back to her.
Oh, Matt, youre a star. Thank you.
Anything to spare a ladys blushes. Ill go to your room, he said, and if anyone knocks on the door, just ignore them. Itll only be Ben or my parents, and theyll ring me if its anything important.
He slipped his mobile into his pocket, picked up his wallet and did the same, then gave Amy an awkward smile. I guess Ill see you at breakfast.
She nodded, looking embarrassed now, her grey eyes clouded with something that could have been shame, and without dragging it out he left her there and went to the room that should have been hers, lay on the bed and let his breath out on a long, ragged sigh.
What a fool. All hed done, all hed proved, was that hed never stopped loving her. Well, hell, hed known that before. It had hardly needed underlining.
He rolled to his side, thumped the pillow into the side of his neck and tried to sleep.
How could she have been so stupid?
Shed known seeing him again would be dangerous to her, but she hadnt realised how dangerous. She pulled the hotel gown tighter round her waist and moved to the chair by the window. She had a view over the courtyard where theyd had their buffet supper, could see the bench if she craned her neck.
Sudden unexpected tears glazed her eyes, and she swiped them away and sniffed hard. Shed done some stupid things in her life, most of them with Matt, and this was just the icing on the cake.
She got up and put the little kettle on to make tea, and found her pills in her washbag and popped one out. Thank God for synthetic hormones, she thought drily as she swallowed the pill. Or maybe not, because without the medication to control her irregular periods, they would never have spent the night together.
Which would have been a good thing, she told herself firmly. But telling him she was on the Pill was a two-edged sword. He probably thought she was a slut.
I dont care what he thinks, its none of his damn business and at least I wont get pregnant again, she said to the kettle, and made herself a cup of tea and sat cradling it and staring down into the courtyard until it was stone cold.
And then she nearly dropped it, because Matt was there, outside in the courtyard garden just below her, sitting on the bench with a cup in his hand and checking something on his phone.
He made a call, then put the cup down and walked swiftly across the courtyard out of sight. One of his patients in London needing his attention? Or Melanie Grieves, mother of the little twins theyd delivered on Friday night?
Or just coming inside to see whoever hed spoken tohis parents, maybe?
Moments later, there was a soft knock at the door.
Amy? Its Matt.
She let him in reluctantly and tried to look normal and less like an awkward teenager. Everything OK?
Yes. Im going to see Melanie Grieves. Ben asked me to keep an eye on her.
She nodded. Are you coming back for breakfast and to say goodbye to everyone?
Yes. I dont want to be lynched. Let me take my stuff, and Ill get out of your way. Heres your room key. Hang onto mine as well for now. Ill get it off you later. He scooped up the suit, the shirt, the underwear, throwing them in the bag any old how and zipping it, and then he hesitated. For a second she thought he was about to kiss her, but then he just picked up his bag and left without a backward glance.
Amy let out the breath shed been holding since hed come in, and sat down on the end of the bed. There was no point in hanging around in his room, she thought. Shed shower and dress, and go downstairs and see if anyone was around.
Unlikely. The party had gone on long after theyd left it, and everyone was probably still in bedwhere she would be, in her own room, if she had a grain of sense.
Well, shed proved beyond any reasonable doubt that she didnt, she thought, and felt the tears welling again.
Damn him. Damn him for being sosojust so irresistible. Well, never again. Without his body beside her, without the feel of his warmth, the tenderness of his touch, it all seemed like a thoroughly bad idea, and she knew the aftermath of it would haunt her for ages.
Years.
Forever?
Melanie Grieves was fine.
Her wound was healing, her little twins were doing very well and apart from a bit of pain she was over the moon. He hadnt really needed to come and see her, hed just had enough of sitting around in the hotel beating himself up about Amy.
Not that he shouldnt be doing that. Hed been a total idiot, and she really, really didnt need him falling all over her like he had last night. And leaving the dance floor like thatGod knows what everyone had thought of them. He hadnt even asked her, just dragged her up the stairs and into his room like some kind of caveman.
He growled in frustration and slammed the car door shut. Hed better go back, better show his face and try and lie his way out of it. Better still, find Amy and get their story straight before his mother got her side of it and bent his ear. Shed always taken Amys side.
Oh, hell.
He dropped his head forwards and knocked it gently against the hard, leatherbound steering wheel. Such a fool. And his head hurt. Good. It would remind him not to drink so much in future. Hed thought he was sober enough, but obviously not. If hed been sober
His phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket and stared at the screen. Ben. Damn.
He ignored it. Hed talk to Amy firstif he got to her before they did. If only he had her number. Shed probably changed it, but maybe not. He dialled it anyway as he turned into the hotel car park, and she answered on the second ring.
Hello?
Amy, its Matt. We need to talkwe will have been seen last night. Where are you now?
Oh, damn. In the courtyard. Bring coffee.
Stressed as he was, he smiled at that. He found a breakfast waitress and ordered a pot of coffee and a basket of bacon rolls, then went and found her.
She was waiting, her heart speeding up as she caught sight of him, her nerves on edge. She couldnt believe what shed done, couldnt believe she was going to sit here with him and concoct some cock-and-bull story to tell his family. Her friends. Oh, lord
Hows Mel? she asked, sticking to something safe.
Fine. The babies are both doing well.
Good. Ben and Daisyll be pleased.
Silence. Of course there was, she thought. What was there to say, for heavens sake? Thank you for the best sex Ive had in over four years? Not to say the only ?
Any sign of the others? he asked after the silence had stretched out into the hereafter, and she shook her head.
No. I put my bag in the car. Heres your room key. Sowhats the story?
We wanted to talk?
We didnt talk, Matt, she reminded him bluntly.
Pity they hadnt, she thought for the thousandth time. If theyd talked, they might have had more sense.
You were feeling sick? he suggested.
Whatfrom all that champagne?
Its not impossible.
I had less than you.
I think its probably fair to say we both had more than was sensible, he said drily, and she had to agree, but not out loud. She wasnt feeling that magnanimous.
Maybe nobody noticed? she said without any real conviction, and he gave a short, disbelieving laugh.
Dream on, Amy. I dragged you off the dance floor and up the stairs in full view of everyone. I think someone will have noticed.
She groaned and put her face in her hands, and then he started to laugh again, a soft, despairing sound that made her lift her head and meet his eyes. What?
I have some vague recollection of passing my parents in the hall.
She groaned again. It just got better and better.
Maybe you thought I needed to lie down? she suggested wildly. Perhaps Id told you I was feeling rough? Its not so unlikely, and its beginning to look like the best option.
We could always tell them the truth.
If we knew what it was, she thought, but the waitress arrived then with the tray of coffee and bacon rolls, and she seized one and sank her teeth into it and groaned. Oh, good choice, she mumbled, and he laughed.
Our default hangover food, he said, bringing the memories crashing back. Want some ketchup?
Thats disgusting, she said, watching him squirt a dollop into his bacon roll and then demolish it in three bites before reaching for another. The times theyd done that, woken up on the morning after the night before and hed cooked her bacon rolls and made her coffee.
Hed done that after their first night together, she remembered. And when shed come out of hospital after
She put the roll down and reached for her coffee, her appetite evaporating.
So when are you off? she asked.
Tuesday morning, he said, surprising her. Things are quiet at work at the moment, so I said Id keep an eye on Mel till Ben and Daisy get back. Theyre only away for two nights.
Are you staying here?
No. Im going back to Bens.
She nodded. It made sense, but she wasnt thrilled. Shed be tripping over him in the hospital at random times, bumping into him at Daisys house when she went to feed Tabithabecause if he was next door at Bens, there was no way she was going to stay there, as shed half thought she might, to keep the cat company.
Or moving in and renting it as theyd suggested, come to that. Not after last nights folly. The last thing she wanted was to be bumping into Bens brother every time he came up to visit them.
Daisy had stayed in her own house adjoining Bens until the wedding because of Florence, but shed be moving into his half when they came back, and theyd offered her Daisys house. They wanted a tenant they could trust, and her lease was coming up for renewal, and it was a lot nicer than her flat for all sorts of reasons.
It had off-road parking, a garden, a lovely conservatoryand the best neighbours in the world. Shed been debating whether to take it, because of the danger of bumping into Matt who was bound to be coming back and forth to visit them, but after thiswell, how could she relax?
She couldnt. It would have been bad enough before.
Why dont we just tell them to mind their own business? she suggested at last. It really is nothing to do with them if we chose to
She broke off, and he raised a brow thoughtfully.
Chose to?
But his phone rang, and he scanned the screen and answered it, pulling a face.
Hi, Ben.
Is that a private party over there, or can we join you?
He looked up, and saw his brother and brand-new sister-in-law standing in the doorway watching them across the courtyard.
Amy followed the direction of his eyes, and sighed.
Stand by to be grilled like a kipper, she muttered, and stood up to hug Daisy. Well, good morning. Hows the head?
Daisy smiled smugly, looking very pleased with herself. Clear as a bell. In case you didnt notice, I wasnt drinking.
Amy frowned, then looked from one to the other and felt the bottom fall out of her stomach. Bens eyes were shining, and there was a smile he couldnt quite hide. Ohthats wonderful, she said softly, and then to her utter humiliation her eyes welled over. She hugged Daisy hard, then turned to Benjust in time to see Matt release him with a look in his eyes she hadnt seen since
Congratulations, thats amazing, he said gruffly, and gathered Daisy up and hugged her, too, his expression carefully veiled now.
Except that Amy could still see it, lingering in the back of his eyes, a fleeting echo of a grief once so raw it had torn them apart.
So, whens it due? he asked, going through the motions. Not that he wasnt interested, but today of all days
The tenth of May. Its very, very early on, Daisy said wryly. I did the test this morning.
Right after she threw up.
Matt gave a soft huff of sympathetic laughter. Poor Daisy. It passes, Im reliably informed by my patients. Thats right, keep it impersonal
Its a good sign, Amy said, her voice slightly strained to his ears. Means the pregnancys secure. Unlike hers. Oh, God, beam me up
Changing the subject, its none of my business, but Ben began, but Matt knew exactly where this was going and cut him off.
Youre right, its not. We needed to talk, there were a lot of people about. Amy slept in my room, and I went to hers.
At a quarter to six this morning, but they didnt need to know that, and he was darned sure they wouldnt have been up and about that early. But someone was.
Yeah, Mum said she saw you coming out of your room and going to another one at some ungodly hour.
Damn. Of all the people
I went to get my phone so I could ring the hospital, he lied, but hed never been able to lie convincingly to Ben, and as their eyes met he saw Ben clock the lie and yet say nothing.
As hed said himself, it was none of his business, and he obviously realised hed overstepped the mark. Hed back him up, though, if their mother said any more, of that Matt was sure. So how is Mel? Ben asked, moving smoothly on, and Matt let out a slight sigh of relief.
Fine. Theyre all fine. Ive been in to see them, and theyre all doing really well. She was keen to hear all about the wedding. I promised Id take her some cakeunless you want to do it when you come back?
No, you go for it. Im glad shes well. Thanks for going in.
My pleasure. Did you order coffee or do you want me to do it?
Daisy pulled a face. Can we have something less smelly, and something to eat? I really dont think I can wait till breakfast.
Sure. Ill order decaf tea. What about bacon rolls?
Oh, yes-s-s-s! she said fervently. Amazing! Matt, youre a genius.
He smiled, glancing across at Amy and sensing, rather than seeing, the sadness that lingered in her. She was smiling at Daisy, but underneath it all was grief, no longer raw and untamed, maybe, but there for all that.
Would it ever get easier? Ever truly go away?
He hoped so, but he was very much afraid that he was wrong.
Well, hello, Mummy Grieves! Are you up for visitors?
Oh, yes! Hello, Amy, how are you? How was the wedding? Did Daisy look beautiful?
Utterly gorgeous, but I bet she wasnt as gorgeous as your little girls. Arent you going to introduce me?
Of course. I hope you dont mind, but weve called them Daisy and Amy, because you two have been so kind and we really love the names.
Oh, thats so sweet of you, thank you, Amy said, her eyes filling. In a rare complication, the twins had shared the same amniotic sac, and the danger of their cords tangling had meant Mel had been monitored as an inpatient for several weeks, and she and Daisy had got to know Mel very well. And this She blinked hard and sniffed, and Mel hugged her.
Thank you, she corrected. So, this is Amy. Want a cuddle?
Id better notinfection risk, she lied. That was why shed gone on her way in, so her clothes were clean, but the last thing she wanted was to hold them. Delivering babies was one thing. Going out of her way to cuddle themwell, she just didnt.
She admired them both, though, Amy first, then Daisy, their perfect little features so very alike and yet slightly different. Can you tell them apart yet? she asked Mel, and she smiled and nodded.
Oh, yes. I could see the differences straight away. Adrian cant always, but hell learn, I expect. And Mr Walker and his brothertheyre very alike, too, arent they, but I can tell the difference. Theres just something.
Amy swallowed. Oh, yes. Ben didnt have the ability to turn her into a total basket case just by walking into the room, and just to prove it, Matt strolled in then and she felt her stomach drop to the floor and her heart lurch.
Talk of the Devil, she said brightly, and saying goodbye to Mel, she slipped past him, trying not to breath in the faint, lingering scent of soap and cologne, but it drifted after her on the air.
Just one more day. Hell be gone tomorrow.
It couldnt come soon enough
He found her, the next day, working in the ward office filling out patient records on the computer.
Im off, he said, and she looked up and wondered why, when shed been so keen to see him go, she should feel a pang of sadness that she was losing him.
Ridiculous. She wasnt losing him, he wasnt hers! And anyway, since the wedding theyd hardly seen each other. But that didnt mean they hadnt both been painfully, desperately aware. Yet he hadnt once, in all that time, suggested they repeat the folly of Saturday night
Got time for a coffee?
She glanced up at the clock. Actually, she had plenty of time. There was nothing going on, for once, and although no doubt now shed thought that all hell would break loose, for the minute, anyway, it was quiet.
Did she want to make time for a coffee? Totally different question.
I can spare five minutes, she said, logging off the computer and sliding back her chair.
He ushered her through the door first, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back, and she felt the warmth, the security of it all the way through to her bones. Except it was a false sense of security.
We ought to talk, he said quietly, once they were seated in the caf.
She stirred her coffee, chasing the froth round the top, frowning at it as if it held the answers. Is there anything to say?
He laughed, a short, harsh sound that cut the air. Amy, we spent the night together, he saidunnecessarily, since shed hardly forgotten.
For old times sake, she pointed out. That was all.
Was it? Was it really?
Yes. It really was.
He stared at her, searching her eyes for the longest moment, and then the expression in them was carefully banked and he looked away. OK. If thats what you want.
It wasnt. She wanted him, but she couldnt trust him, because when her world had disintegrated and shed needed him more than shed ever needed anybody in her life, hed turned his back on her.
She wasnt going through that again, not for him, not for anybody.
It is what I want, she lied. It didnt work, Matt, and theres no use harking back to it. We need to let it go.
His eyes speared her. Have you?
Let it go? Let her baby go?
She sucked in a breath and looked away.
I didnt think so, he said softly. Well, if it helps you any, neither have I. And I havent forgotten you, Amy.
She closed her eyes, wishing he would go, wishing he could stay. She heard the scrape of a chair, felt the touch of his hand on her shoulder.
You know where I am if you change your mind.
I wont, she vowed. She couldnt. She didnt dare. She simply wasnt strong enough to survive a second time.
He bent, tipped her head back with his fingers and dropped the gentlest, sweetest, saddest kiss on her lips.
Goodbye, Amy. Take care of yourself.
And then he was gone, walking swiftly away, leaving her there alone in the middle of the crowded caf. She wanted to get up, to run after him, to yell at him to stop, she was sorry, she didnt mean it, please stay. But she didnt.
Somehow, just barely, she managed to stop herself, and no doubt one day shed be grateful for that.
But right now, she felt as if shed just thrown away her last chance at happiness, and all she wanted to do was cry.
CHAPTER THREE
IT TOOK her weeks to work out what was going on.
Weeks in which Matt was in her head morning, noon and night. She kept telling herself shed done the right thing, that not seeing him again was sensible, but it wasnt easy to convince herself. Not easy at all, and Daisy and Ben being so blissfully happy didnt help.
She ached for him so much it was physical, but shed done the right thing, sending him away. She had. She couldnt rely on him, couldnt trust him again with her heart. And she was genuinely relieved when her period came right on cue, because although she might want him, the thought of going through another pregnancy terrified her, and for the first time since the wedding she felt herself letting go of an inner tension she hadnt even been aware of.
She could move on now. Theyd said their goodbyes, and it was done.
Finished.
The autumn came and went, and December arrived with a vengeance. It rained, and when it wasnt raining, it was sleeting, and then it dried up and didnt thaw for days. And her boiler broke down in her flat.
Marvellous, she thought. Just what she needed. She contacted her landlord, but it would be three weeks before it could be replacedmore, maybe, because plumbers were rushed off their feet after the freezeand so she gave in to Ben and Daisys gentle nagging, and moved into Daisys house just ten days before Christmas.
Its only temporary, till my boilers fixed, she told them firmly, but they just smiled and nodded and refused to take any rent on the grounds that it was better for the house to be occupied.
Then Daisy had her twenty-week scan, and of course she asked to see the photo. What else could she do? And she thought shed be fine, she saw them all the time in her work, but it really got to her. Because of the link to Matt? She had no idea, but it haunted her that day and the next, popping up in every quiet moment and bringing with it a rush of grief that threatened to undermine her. She and Matt had been so happy, so deliriously overjoyed back then. And then, so shortly before her scan was due
A laugh jerked her out of her thoughts, a laugh so like Matts that it could so easily have been him, and she felt her heart squeeze. Stupid. She knew it was Ben. She heard him laugh all the time. And every time, she felt pain like a solid ball wedged in her chest.
She missed him. So, so much.
Oh, Amy, great, I was hoping Id find you here. New admissionthirty-four weeks, slight show last night, mild contractions which could just be Braxton Hicks. Have you got time to admit her for me, please? Shes just moved to the area last week, so we havent seen her before but shes got her hand-held notes.
She swiped the tears from her cheeks surreptitiously while she pretended to stifle a yawn. Sure. I could do with a break from this tedious admin. Ill just log off and Ill be with you. Whats her name?
Helen Kendall. Shes in the assessment room.
Amy found her sitting on the edge of the chair looking worried and guilty, and she introduced herself.
Im so sorry to just come in, Helen said, but I was worried because Ive been really overdoing it with the move and Im just so tired, she blurted out, and then she started to cry.
Oh, Helen, Amy said, sitting down next to her and rubbing her back soothingly. Youre exhaustedcome on, lets get you into a gown and into bed, and let us take care of you.
Its all my fault, I shouldnt have let him talk me into it, we should have waited and now the babys going to be too early, she sobbed. Oh, she could understand the guilt all too well, but thirty-four weeks wasnt too early. Not like eighteen weeks
Its not your fault, she said with a calm she didnt feel, and thirty-four weeks is quite manageable if it comes to that. It may well not. Come on, chin up, and lets find out whats going on.
She handed Helen a gown, then left her alone for a few minutes to change and do a urine sample while she took the time to get her emotions back in order. What was the matter with her? She didnt think about her baby at all, normally. It was seeing that picture of Daisys baby, and thinking about Matt againalways Matt.
She pulled herself together and went back to Helen.
This was her first pregnancy, it had been utterly straightforward and uncomplicated to this point, and there was no reason to suspect that anything would go wrong even if she did give birth early. The baby was moving normally, its heartbeat was loud and strong, and Helen relaxed visibly when she heard it.
Oh, thats so reassuring, she said, her eyes filling, and she was still caressing her bump with a gentle, contented smile on her face when Ben arrived.
OK, Helen, lets have a look at this baby and see how were doing, he said, and Amy watched the monitor.
The baby was a good size for her dates, there was no thinning of Helens uterus as yet, and her contractions might well stop at this point, if she was lucky. Not everyone was.
She sucked in a breath and stepped back, and Ben glanced up at her and frowned.
You OK?
Just giving you a bit more room, she lied.
He grunted. It was a sound she understood. Matt used to do the same thing when he knew she was lying. Maybe they were more alike than shed realised.
Right, Helen, Im happy with that. Well monitor you, but Im pretty sure theyre just Braxton Hicks and this will all settle down. Well give you drugs to halt it if we can and steroids to mature the babys lungs just to be on the safe side, and then if its all stable and theres no change overnight, you can go home tomorrow.
.
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