Heart Of A Husband
Kathryn Alexander
In Jake Barnes's strong arms, Joanna Meccord had once found pure bliss…until he'd left, shattering her soul. Now he was back, and so were Joanna's unsettling feelings for a man who had little faith in himself–or anything else….All Jake had ever wanted was to do the right thing for Joanna. After all, she'd been too young to know better than to fall in love with him. Now she was older, wiser–and so was Jake. He had spent a lifetime learning how love could hurt. Did he dare believe it could also heal?
“We’re friends. I value that more than I do a passing romance,”
Jake told Joanna.
“And passing is all it would be?”
Jake looked directly into her luminous eyes. “That’s all either of us has ever known.”
“But our friendship—”
“Is something I don’t want to lose, Jo. And we will,” he said, reaching out and caressing her cheek, “if we let this happen.”
His eyes, dark with anguish, mesmerized her. She raised a hand, her fingers covering his where they touched her face.
“I’m sorry, Jo.”
She took a deep breath of reality. This was the end of whatever she’d hoped for. It felt final. Painful, but final, and maybe that was good. Jake couldn’t make his heart feel something it just wouldn’t feel.
KATHRYN ALEXANDER
writes inspirational romance because, having been a Christian for many years, incorporating the element of faith in the Lord into a romantic story line seemed like a lovely and appropriate idea. After all, in a society where love for a lifetime is difficult to find, imagine discovering it, unexpectedly, as a gift sent from God.
Kathryn is married to Kelly, her own personal love of a lifetime. They have one son, John, who is the proud owner of the family’s two house pests, Herbie the cat and Copper the dog.
Kathryn and her family have been members of their church for nearly five years, where she co-teaches a Sunday school class of active two-year-olds. She is now a stay-at-home mom who writes between car pooling, baby-sitting and applying bandages, when necessary.
Heart of a Husband
Kathryn Alexander
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places.
—Psalms 16:6a
This book is dedicated to Julie Stroup. Without her
precious friendship and unwavering encouragement,
I would not be a published writer today.
This is book number five! Thank you, Julie.
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Letter to Reader
Chapter One
“J oanna.”
She heard her name spoken quietly from somewhere behind her as she stood speaking with a nurse in the pale blues and greens of the hospital waiting room. Her breath caught in her throat momentarily. There was no need to turn around to see who had spoken; she remembered his voice clearly. It sounded exactly as it had two years ago, when he’d said goodbye. Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she wondered what she would say. Then she turned.
A well-cut suit, the color of charcoal, accentuated his tall, lean frame, and the faded remnant of a tan stood out in contrast to the crisp whiteness of his shirt. Looking up, Joanna’s velvet-brown eyes met cautious gray.
“Hello, Jake,” she managed to say. “It’s nice of you to come.” She extended a slender hand to him.
“It’s good to see you,” he answered in a voice low and achingly familiar. He clasped her hand in a necessary handshake. “How is Mae?”
“Not good,” Joanna responded. “Dr. Eden is with her now, but you can see her in a few minutes.”
“And you?”
“Fine. I’m fine,” she responded, a little too quickly, she realized.
“Are you?” came his immediate reply. The slate-gray depths of his eyes, genuinely sad, held her gaze easily. “You look tired.”
“I’m all right,” she replied. “Tired, but okay.”
“It’s been a long time,” Jake remarked.
“Yes,” she agreed. But had it been too long? Or not long enough? The ache in her heart made it difficult to think, difficult to do anything other than feel.
“I want to help, Jo. That’s why I’m here.”
Joanna nodded her head without speaking. Dr. Jake Barnes’s help was exactly what she didn’t want. For him to show up now—kind and caring—was what she had feared. Comfort from Jake now would be more than she could endure. The memories she had spent long months pushing to the back of her mind stirred again in her thoughts. All of the forgetting could too easily be undone.
Joanna glanced toward the nearby hospital room to see Dr. Natalie Eden, Mae’s family physician, walking toward them where they stood in the lobby.
“Natalie, how are you?” Jake spoke directly to the attractive physician who smiled broadly when she saw him.
“Jake! I wasn’t sure you’d come. It’s wonderful to see you,” Dr. Eden said just as Joanna stepped away, excusing herself from the scene to return to her aunt’s bedside. A warm, welcoming embrace between these two people was more than she could handle at the moment. Dr. Jake Barnes and Dr. Natalie Eden. There had been a brief time, years ago, when they’d seemed the perfect couple in everyone’s eyes. Including Joanna’s. Until her own heart had found reason to think otherwise.
“‘To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord,’” was the scripture her aunt whispered in a weak voice as Joanna entered the room. Those were the first words Mae had spoken all day.
“Yes,” Joanna agreed. “I know that’s always been one of your favorite verses.” She sank into a chair close to the bed and reached for the elderly woman’s hand. “But I’d rather keep you here with me. I’m not ready to let you go,” she added as she saw her aunt’s eyes fluttering shut again.
“Jake is here?” Mae asked in wispy words.
“Yes, he’s here,” Joanna answered.
Mae gave a small smile. “He said he’d come. He’ll take care of everything. He’ll take care of you, Joanna.”
“I don’t need taking care of,” Joanna said with a soft moan of protest. She tucked some of her ash-blond hair behind an ear. “I’m all grown-up, Aunt Mae. I can take care of myself.”
But her aunt had already drifted back to sleep, just as she had done off and on for the past few days. Joanna studied the dull gold wedding band on her aunt’s finger. What would it be like, she wondered, to love a man the way Mae had loved her husband? To remain true to him, committed to him even many years after his death? A love of that depth was rare, Joanna knew, but she believed it was as possible as it was rare.
Giving a soft sigh, she placed Mae’s cool, frail hand against her own cheek. So, Jake had decided to come back to say goodbye to Mae. That shouldn’t have surprised her, she knew. Aunt Mae had been like a mother to them both, each in different ways. Jake would want to be here. As a doctor, a friend, the son Mae wanted but never had. Jake would be what Mae needed. He was good at that. And Joanna would have to pretend she didn’t need him, too.
“Lord, don’t take her away from me yet. I’m not ready for that,” she breathed the heartfelt prayer.
It seemed a long time ago, but it had been only four years earlier—just as Joanna was starting college—that she had accepted Mae’s invitation to live with her in South Carolina. She had arrived at her aunt’s house with suitcases in hand and much hope in her heart. Joanna had been grateful for Mae’s offer after years of growing up in an adoptive home where she felt very much an outsider. Mae was the only biological link Joanna Meccord had to the past after losing her parents in a plane crash as a child. Early one spring afternoon, a cabdriver had left Joanna at the specified address, Mae’s house. And Jake was there, even that first day. Living in Charleston then, he worked at a clinic not far from Mae’s home, and had just finished having lunch with Mae when Joanna rang the doorbell. Joanna smiled as she recalled the latch on one of the suitcases Jake carried in for her breaking as he placed it next to the hallway closet. They had knelt together on the carpeting, gathering up books and belongings that had tumbled from the luggage while Joanna silently thanked the Lord that it had been this bag that had broken. Not the one holding more personal items. The breaking of the old, battered bag was inevitable, Joanna had explained quickly, and it was not worth repairing as Jake offered to have done. She remembered his smile. A half smile, not particularly disarming enough to set her heart to hammering, but it had been nice. The smile of a friend.
Those opening, awkward moments were the beginning of her life with Aunt Mae and a relationship with Dr. Jake Barnes. And their casual friendship was reinforced when days later, a present for Joanna was delivered to Mae’s front door: two new pieces of floral tapestry luggage with a card attached. It read, “Joanna, For your next move, which I hope is many years from now. Jake.”
Joanna’s friendship with him deepened throughout her college years. Jake’s curiosity about her Christian faith and their common concern for Mae’s failing health helped weave an unspoken bond between them. Not even Mae’s hints that she thought the new clinic physician, Natalie Eden, was a perfect match for Jake had bothered Joanna then. Through all this and more, Joanna and Jake remained simply friends, sharing bits and pieces of knowing each other without really knowing each other at all. Until one gentle evening when their friendship was lost in an unguarded moment. And everything changed.
Soon Jake was gone. Suddenly and unexpectedly, he moved away, and Dr. Natalie Eden was quick to do the explaining. It seemed Jake had wanted Natalie to move back to Indiana with him so he could take over his father’s private practice. He wanted to return to the home of his childhood, and when Natalie had turned him down, he left without her.
So Jake was gone, and Joanna had tried to forget—the hello, the goodbye. And everything in between.
“Jo?”
She looked up immediately at the sound of Jake’s voice coming from the doorway of Mae’s hospital room.
“May I come in?” Jake asked and watched Joanna nod her head. Her loose hair swayed gently with the easy movement. If only he couldn’t remember how soft those blond curls felt in his hands, against his face. He cleared his throat quietly and walked over to Mae’s bedside. Leaning down, he brushed a kiss against the elderly woman’s forehead as she slept. “She doesn’t want to die, Jo. She’s very worried about leaving you alone.”
“How would you know that?” she asked softly.
Jake sat down next to Mae, wishing he were anywhere but here, now, having this discussion. Joanna looked so unhappy. So distant, worried. He hated knowing that his words would only make her sadder. “Mae told me when I saw her last week.”
“You were in town last week?” Joanna repeated, her dark-brown eyes wide with question.
“I was here for a few hours,” he explained what he’d not wanted to tell Joanna. That he’d come this far, flown from Indianapolis to Charleston, but not to see her. “I visited Mae, met with her cardiologist and Dr. Eden and caught a late-afternoon flight home. I had to be back for a meeting that night.”
“But she didn’t tell me, she never mentioned it,” Joanna practically whispered in disbelief.
“I want to take her home with me, Joanna. To live.”
“To die, you mean,” she replied.
“I hope not,” he remarked.
Joanna breathed a frustrated sigh. “Dr. Eden said Aunt Mae is going to die. Soon. Why would you want to put her through the stress of traveling nearly seven hundred miles now, when it’s too late?”
“I’ve spoken with Mae’s doctors, Joanna, and I don’t think she’s getting the kind of care she needs. My partner at the office, Dr. Vernon, has a brother who is the leading cardiologist in this half of the country. If anyone can make a difference in Mae’s life, it will be him. I want her to see him, to come and stay with me for as long as it takes.”
“But Dr. Eden told me she has so little time left—”
“That’s all she’ll have if you keep her here. If she goes with me, I think she could have more. Weeks, maybe months. Or longer.”
“But, Jake, the move alone could kill her.”
“I don’t believe it will, but she’s going to die here, in this hospital, if we do nothing. I want her to come with me. Tonight,” he responded. “I’ve made arrangements for the flight.”
“You can’t take her away from me, Jake. Not now. She’s all I have left in this world. I can’t believe this would be the Lord’s will for her life…her death….”
The anguish in her voice pierced Jake’s conscience. He knew how much this hurt her. That’s why he hated the promise he’d made. “You can’t let her die here, like this…always wondering if you did all you could for her. No one wants to live with those doubts.” He paused. “I don’t want you living with those doubts, Joanna.”
“But she’s comfortable here, she’s not in any pain—”
“Give her this chance, Jo. Let her see this new cardiologist.”
“But I don’t know if she’d want to make this move, Jake. I mean, I know she was born and raised in Indiana, just like you were, but that doesn’t mean she wants to go there to die. Does it?”
Jake exhaled slowly. There was no avoiding this now. “It’s what she wants, Joanna. It’s what she asked me to promise I would do…and she’s appointed me her power of attorney,” he said quietly, reluctantly. He’d hoped Mae had taken care of explaining the matter to Joanna. Telling her himself reopened wounds he’d never intended to inflict. This would cut through Joanna like a betrayal.
“So, basically, you can do whatever you want, regardless of how I feel about it?” she asked, clearly surprised by this unexpected piece of news.
“I don’t want to go against your wishes, Jo. You have to know that. But—” He stopped.
“But you will?” she asked, her eyes glimmering with fresh tears. “Jake? You’d take her away from me? Like this?” Joanna’s hand flew to her mouth. “How could you? Don’t you care—”
“Of course, I care,” Jake answered with a heaviness settling in his chest. Why had he promised to do this? Then he reminded himself of his reasoning. There’d been logic in it, even in the midst of the heartbreak. “Your Aunt Mae is the closest I’ve ever come to having a mother in my life. I can provide a better ending for her than this.”
Joanna rose from her chair, hugging her arms close as a chill swept over her. “Money, Jake?” she asked sadly. “Is that what this comes down to? You’re wealthy so you can come in here and take her away?” Her words were filled with pain. It glistened in the murky depths of her eyes.
“It’s more than that.” Jake’s dark brows drew into a troubled frown. “It’s true I can provide better care, but I’m only trying to do what I promised I would do. Help me with this, Jo, while there’s still time. Don’t hate me for doing what needs to be done.”
“Hate you?” She almost wished she could. Then life would be simple again. Black and white. No more gray areas to wander around in. Alone.
“And I wouldn’t be taking her away from you,” Jake added before delivering what he knew would be the final blow to her shaken emotions. “She wants you to come, too.”
“What?” she asked, too stunned to say more.
Jake squeezed Mae’s hand gently before moving from her bedside. “She loves you…she needs you. She wants you with her.” He glanced back into Joanna’s bewildered gaze. “You’ll need to think it over, I know, but we don’t have much time,” he said. “I’ll leave you alone for a while.” Then he walked away, disappearing through the door, leaving Joanna standing there, her mouth open in surprise.
For a moment, she couldn’t move, couldn’t even think clearly. Had Jake really said that she should go with him? To Indiana? Had he lost his mind? Or just his memory of why that would never work? She turned on her heels to follow him out into the hallway where she found him speaking with Dr. Eden.
“Jake,” she interrupted. “I can’t go away like that. Just pack up and leave? Are you serious?”
“Very,” Jake answered, directing his attention toward Joanna. He excused them from the other physician’s presence and cupped Joanna’s elbow with a hand, steering her toward the privacy of an empty lobby. “I know you weren’t expecting any of this, but Mae asked me to promise that you’d go, too. And I did.” He glanced down at the discharge papers Dr. Eden had handed him and then back into Joanna’s panic-filled eyes. “It’s what she wants, Jo.” He paused, never so uncertain of anything in his life as he was of this. He wanted Joanna to go with him more than he dared to admit but, at the same time, he couldn’t calculate the magnitude of mistake they would be making. Still, he’d made the promise. “There’s a flight at seven—”
“Seven o’clock? Tonight?” Joanna asked.
“Yes,” Jake replied. “You won’t need to pack much. We’re having a rough winter back home. You can buy warmer clothes when you get there.”
With what? she wondered. Joanna didn’t have extra money for winter clothing. She hadn’t even had enough in her checking account to pay her school bill last semester.
Money. Joanna nearly cringed at the thought. The power of it, the need of it, the control it wielded. And all it had cost her. It was the private plane of a rich corporate executive that had crashed and taken the lives of her parents long ago. They’d been flying in inclement weather to meet the demanding schedule of a client they deemed important enough to take necessary risks for. The “necessary risk” that day took their lives when the plane went nose down into a lake.
Now, Jake and his money would be able to take Aunt Mae away to die in some strange house, in a state the woman hadn’t visited since childhood. It wasn’t fair.
“Joanna, is seven o’clock okay? I could send a cab for you—”
“No, it’s not okay,” she replied. “I need to get out of here. I want some fresh air,” she said suddenly and bolted for the nearby exit. The cool, damp weather felt good on her warm cheeks. She took a deep breath just as the doors opened behind her.
“Joanna, I know this isn’t easy for you.”
“No, it’s not.” She turned to face him, her fists clenched at her sides. “I can’t go to Indiana with you, Jake. I can’t stay with you and you know it, so why ask? Just to embarrass me?”
An honest look of surprise flashed in his eyes. “I would never try to embarrass you. What are you talking about?”
She flung her hands out in despair. “We’re not a good match. Not in any way. You’ve made that clear enough. You feel it, I feel it. I think even God feels that way about us. Putting us in the same house together for any amount of time will only lead to…to…arguments. Or worse.” A sinking feeling weighted the pit of her stomach.
Raking a hand through his dark hair, Jake turned away from her. She was right. He couldn’t dispute the truth. But, somehow, they had to get beyond it temporarily to help Mae. To keep a promise. He placed both hands on the metal railing that surrounded the veranda. “Joanna, I’m sorry. Sorry we went out alone together on your birthday, sorry about everything that happened.” He hesitated. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”
“I don’t want your apology,” she said quickly. What she wanted now, and a hundred times since that night, was to be in his arms again. And she was angry at herself for wanting this man who didn’t want her, not even when she’d foolishly been there for the taking. She watched Jake turn his head to glance at her. His wistful look tugged at the sweet ache in her heart.
“I can’t force you to come home with me, Jo. You’re twenty-two years old, old enough to make your own decisions.” He paused for a moment. “But it’s what Mae wants. It’s what she needs.”
“She shouldn’t expect such a thing of me. She doesn’t have any idea how awkward it would be.”
“You didn’t tell her that things…had changed between us?” Jake studied her restless movements as she inched a little farther from him.
“No, I didn’t,” she acknowledged. Joanna folded her arms together. “It didn’t seem right. She would have blamed you.”
“She should have blamed me,” he responded, his voice filled with regret. “I was thirty-two years old. You were barely twenty.”
Joanna shivered at the thought of that night’s misery. “When you left me at my door in tears, I felt like I was about eight.”
“I wish you had been,” he said with a sad smile, then averted his gaze to the darkening skies. “Then I could have been trusted to take you to dinner and return you home safely, with your heart in one piece.”
“I was safe with you, Jake,” she responded. Incredibly, agonizingly safe, Joanna remembered. “Only my pride was hurt.” She rubbed the chill away from her arms when their eyes met again. The tenderness in his gaze only deepened her sense of loneliness.
“I’m sorry, Jo,” he offered gently. Sorry most of all that he had unwittingly let this lovely young woman find a way into the heart he’d kept cold and silent all those years. His father’s sorrows had taught him well. How not to trust. Not to love. But with Joanna… Nothing made sense anymore.
Biting her lip, Joanna looked away. “It wasn’t something I couldn’t get over,” she lied as her pulse pounded with guilt. She wasn’t going to let him know how badly it had hurt, how badly it still hurt—even now. Maybe God would forgive her this little lie, this one indiscretion.
“There’s no need to be afraid that—”
“I’m not afraid,” Joanna stated. Indiscretion number two. She was afraid. Of them. Of all they would never be together.
Jake studied her thoughtfully before transferring his gaze to the setting sun in the distance. If she didn’t agree to go, then this would be the end of it. He couldn’t go through this again. Seeing her sad. Lovely. And so alone.
A silence fell between them momentarily that hung heavy like a cloud. When Jake spoke again, his words were gentle. “Come home with me, Jo.”
Joanna swallowed hard, feeling as if her heart had jumped into her throat. What should she do? What was the right choice? What would the Lord expect of her? Only one thing was certain. If she didn’t go with him, she might never see Aunt Mae again. Never.
“Are you sure about this, Jake? Absolutely sure it’s…the right thing…to do?” She was stalling, she knew. Waiting, wanting something more from him than she’d seen.
“Yes,” he responded with a confidence he didn’t feel. “It’s what Mae wants, and it’s what I want.” But the thin, straight line of his mouth offered no hint of the emotions storming inside him.
Joanna shivered, although the damp air was not cool enough to justify it. If she was going to make this journey, she’d need God’s guidance every step of the way. Otherwise, it would be a huge mistake. A journey she’d get lost in. One she’d regret. There’d be no relying on herself this time. She took a quiet breath as her mind raced with a crazy blend of hope and fear.
“All right,” she told him. She’d go. A risk taker wasn’t something Joanna had considered herself to be, but people could change. Especially in the face of great loss. Couldn’t they?
Jake nodded. A mixture of feelings surged through him, none of which he could voice. Everything from the satisfaction of winning an argument to the uneasiness of facing the truth of what he’d just lost. A chance to walk away from this woman who haunted his dreams. Was that what he’d wanted?
“Let’s go inside,” Jake said. They stepped off the veranda and walked back through the double doors of the hospital. “I’ll be leaving with Mae at seven.”
“But, Jake, I can’t be ready by then. There are things I need to do, people I need to call. I’ll have to notify the day care center where I work.” Excuses poured from Joanna.
“I understand,” Jake conceded. “I guess that would be a lot to ask. I’ll see about getting you a flight on another day.”
“All right,” she agreed. “I’ll get everything taken care of as quickly as I can.”
“I’ll ask my housekeeper to call you later with your flight information. That is, unless you don’t want to fly,” Jake began and then hesitated, searching Joanna’s face for the truth he expected. “I know that your parents died in a plane crash. If you’d rather not fly, I’ll make other arrangements.”
“No,” Joanna replied. “I don’t mind. I flew several times with my adoptive parents when I was a child.”
“You’re sure?” he asked.
She nodded her head.
“Okay, then, I’ll make the necessary arrangements to move Mae tonight.”
“And you’ll go with her? I mean, be right there, with her? The whole time?”
“Yes. She’ll be comfortable,” Jake explained. “Don’t worry, Jo. I’ll be right beside her bed the entire trip. You’ll see her again soon.”
“You’ll take good care of her?”
“I will,” he promised as they continued walking down the corridor. “Trust me.”
Joanna turned her head to glance into eyes she used to trust. Did she have reason to trust them no longer?
They were nearing Mae’s hospital room when Dr. Eden appeared in the hallway again, needing Dr. Barnes’s opinion on some matter. Something crucial, Joanna thought unkindly, like whether he would be staying to have dinner with her tonight, maybe? If Dr. Eden didn’t want to marry Jake Barnes when she had the opportunity, why was she now so obviously delighted to see him? A change of heart, probably, just as Joanna had always expected. The only surprise was that it had been so long in coming.
Joanna slipped into the silent hospital room to say good-night to her aunt before heading home. There was so much to do in preparation for leaving, she barely knew where to begin. But she had to start somewhere, so upon her arrival at the small house she shared with Mae, Joanna hauled her suitcases out of a bedroom closet. What a place to start, she thought as she sat down on the edge of her bed.
“Lord, what am I doing?” She sat staring at the suitcases Jake had given her when she’d been practically a stranger to him. Was she really going to fill them with clothes and get on that plane? To meet Jake in some strange city in a state she’d never seen? To move into his house? Had she lost all rational thinking?
“Probably,” she whispered. Reason seemed to have disappeared somewhere behind the shadows of her heart.
Chapter Two
“J oanna? Joanna Meccord, is that you?”
Joanna turned from the baggage claim area toward the direction of the voice and found the question coming from a plump, silver-haired lady.
“I’m Joanna Meccord,” she confirmed.
“I thought so. Dr. Barnes gave a very good description.”
Joanna smiled. Jake describing her to someone. Now, there was something she’d have been interested in hearing. “So, you must be Jake’s housekeeper?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m Ina Marsh. Second generation housekeeper as a matter of fact. I worked for Dr. Barnes, Sr., for several years until he passed away. And now I work for Jake. He’d planned to meet you here himself, but an emergency came up at the hospital and he couldn’t get away. So I offered to pick you up,” the woman with the friendly smile and kind hazel eyes explained. She reached to take one of Joanna’s suitcases.
“No, you don’t. I’ll carry these, Ina, you just lead the way out of this airport.”
“Right over there, dear,” Ina said, and they started through the lobby. After a few long minutes, they found their way to a sea of cars in the parking lot. Ina stopped behind a small blue sedan.
“How is Aunt Mae?” Joanna asked. “Is someone with her?”
“Oh, my, yes. Someone is always with her. Dr. Barnes wouldn’t allow it to be any other way. There’s a nurse there right now. Occasionally, it’s just me, but usually there’s an RN or LPN on duty. Didn’t you bring more than this, dear?” Ina asked as Joanna lifted the two suitcases into the trunk.
“No, this is it. Is Aunt Mae feeling any better?”
“Yes, I think she is. She was talking this morning. She said she’s glad to be home. She was born and raised around here, she told me. Looking out her bedroom window and seeing acres of farmland does her good—even though there isn’t any corn growing in late February! ‘The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places….’ That’s a verse she asked me to write down inside the cover of her Bible. I guess rural Indiana must be her idea of ‘pleasant places.’”
Joanna got into the car just as Ina was sliding into the driver’s seat. “I’ve always liked that verse.”
“It seems to be one of her favorites,” Ina commented. “Dr. Barnes told me you’re a religious person, too. I assumed he meant you’re a Christian.”
“Yes,” Joanna answered. “Although some days I don’t feel like much of one. Between Aunt Mae’s illness and everything else I’ve been trying to keep up with, I haven’t been to church regularly in weeks.”
“Well, don’t be too hard on yourself. God understands what you’re going through. And everyone makes mistakes.”
Was that what she was doing now? Making a huge mistake? Joanna’s teeth sank gently into her lower lip. Living with Jake could be the biggest error she’d ever made. Yet, here she was with a conscience that had a guilty edge to it. She knew she wasn’t doing this just for Mae. It was for herself, too. Her feelings for Jake needed to be resolved. Completely. Because, despite her prayers to the contrary, Jake did not seem to be the man the Lord had in mind for her. Now, if she could just convince her heart of that fact.
“I’ve been instructed that our first stop is the nearest shopping mall to buy a winter coat and whatever other clothes you need. Today is an exceptionally mild day for February, but let me warn you—it gets cold around here!” Ina explained.
Joanna knew exactly how much money she had brought with her, and it wasn’t enough to allow for the purchase of any new clothing. “Ina, I don’t think that—”
“Now, listen, Dr. Barnes told me you wouldn’t want to accept this, but my instructions were to talk you into it. So, please make it easy on me, okay, dear? He wants you to buy a coat, hat, boots, whatever else you need. He gave me these credit cards.”
Joanna immediately protested. “Ina, I can’t accept—”
“My job is to give them to you. Now, if you don’t want to keep them, you’ll have to argue with the doctor about that.”
And argue, she knew she would.
They were soon leaving the city behind, traveling down narrow country roads with their necessary purchases completed. Joanna spent the time wondering about things to come. Hopefully, Aunt Mae would recuperate enough to return to South Carolina soon. If not, then what? Joanna liked plans, lists—knowing what came next—and she certainly wasn’t in that position now.
Before long they made one last turn and pulled into the winding, tree-lined driveway in full view of the farmhouse.
The large white house was nestled among several wooded acres of gently rolling farmland. A two-story barn, garage and a couple of other small buildings were set off to the rear and the west side of the home, and a white board fence neatly edged the property line.
“I had no idea it would be so lovely,” Joanna said.
“It is, isn’t it,” Ina replied. She pulled the car up close to the garage, and both of them got out of the vehicle.
Joanna looked toward the woods, now stark and barren from the harshness of winter.
“Just wait until you see it in the summer, Joanna. The trees will be beautiful then.”
“I can almost imagine it,” she said, hugging her new coat to her in the hush of the late-winter afternoon. “But I won’t be here this summer,” she added before pulling her suitcases from the trunk of the car and walking with Ina toward the front porch.
“You never know what the good Lord might have in mind for you, my dear. We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?”
Joanna was ready to respond that, whatever the Lord had in mind for her, it certainly wouldn’t include a future with a man who loved neither her nor God, when Ina began describing the house.
“Upstairs there are four bedrooms and four bathrooms.”
“Four baths? Are you kidding?”
“Not at all,” Ina assured her. “I heard Jake’s mother entertained a lot years ago. She wanted each bedroom to have a private bath. And, this, as you can see, is the main entrance.” They stepped inside the home. “The living room is to your right.”
They walked into the large room with warm, inviting tones of gold, rust and shades of brown throughout.
Ina continued, “That door to the left at the foot of the staircase is Dr. Barnes’s study. Lately, he’s been spending too many of his evenings in there, if you ask me.”
Joanna smiled. The fact that she hadn’t asked Ina’s opinion obviously didn’t stop the woman from giving it. “Jake probably wants to be alone,” Joanna replied. She wondered if he regretted this mission of mercy he’d set into motion to help Aunt Mae. It was costing him much more than money.
“Well, I’m hoping that your arrival will put an end to his being alone so much. It’s not good for him. I’ve only been staying here for a few days. Until then, he lived in this great big old house all by himself. Can you imagine that?”
Yes, Joanna could imagine that. But she smiled and shook her head. There wasn’t much point in defending Jake. He enjoyed solitude, whether Ina understood that or not. “So, that’s the dining room?”
“Yes,” Ina responded, looking into the adjoining room. But Dr. Barnes prefers to eat in the kitchen usually. Let’s go upstairs so I can show you your room.”
They climbed the staircase together. “That’s yours there to the left,” Ina explained when they reached the top. “Mine is right across the hallway. Aunt Mae is in that room down on the right, and the fourth is a guest room. Dr. Barnes has the master bedroom, which is downstairs next to the study.
“Let me put these suitcases in here, then I’ll go see Aunt Mae.” Joanna stepped inside the door to her room and stopped. Exquisite was the only word that came to mind. She looked from the delicate furniture fashioned from honey-colored oak to the soft, pale colors of the wallpaper with matching curtains and bedspread. Realistic oil paintings of Victorian gardens and English cottages hung over two dressers. In the far corner near a window, there was an overstuffed chair covered in tapestrylike fabric similar to the paintings.
“Well, do you like it?” Ina asked.
“It’s wonderful. Amazing,” Joanna replied, stunned to find such lavish surroundings. Several times during her unsettled childhood, she had walked into a new home, a new bedroom—but nothing as lovely as this had ever awaited her.
“I told Dr. Barnes you would. I helped with the decorating,” Ina answered with a grin. “Now, let’s get you down the hallway to see your aunt.”
And down the hallway they went. Joanna found her aunt awake, with a little more color in her face than the last time she’d seen her and very happy to see her niece again.
It was much later that afternoon before Joanna unpacked her clothes and then eased into the ivory porcelain tub for a bath. She leaned her head back, soaking her hair as she sank into the vanilla-scented bubbles. For the first time in weeks, she didn’t rush through her bath to hurry over to the hospital, to work at the day care, to class…wherever. Instead, she allowed herself to enjoy the fragrant warmth of the water for as long as she wanted—a luxury of time Jake had provided. Her eyes flew open at the thought. Bringing Mae here helped Joanna as much as it helped Mae. Jake had known that. How was she supposed to stop caring about a man like that?
Jake had a briefcase in his hand, and his head was down when he entered the house many hours later. He seemed unaware of Joanna’s presence as she sat silently in the chair in the corner of the darkened living room.
“Hello, Jake,” she said softly, but if he was surprised, he did not show it.
The corners of his mouth lifted in a generous smile as he studied her for a moment before answering. “I didn’t think you’d still be awake. It’s after midnight.” He loosened his necktie before dropping his briefcase and jacket into a nearby chair.
“I wanted to see you before I went to sleep.” Her voice wavered, and she paused for a moment. “I want to thank you.”
He tilted his head in unspoken question as he approached her.
“I mean, for bringing Mae here, for my plane ticket, for hiring Ina to stay here. For all the inconvenience you’re willing to put up with to help Aunt Mae, to help me. I think it’s rather noble of you.”
“Noble?” His laugh was gentle. “I doubt that’s the right word, but thank you for the thought.”
“And the bedroom, it’s beautiful but unnecessary.”
“It needed to be remodeled,” he said. “This seemed liked a good time to take care of it.”
“And the paintings, Jake…they’re lovely.”
He nodded with a hint of satisfaction tugging at one corner of his mouth. “I bought those a long time ago.” They reminded me of you, he almost added, but decided it was better left unsaid. He slid a hand into his pocket and looked down at the carpet for a moment trying to sort out what he was feeling from what he could say. “Ina selected most of the furnishings. I asked her to make your room resemble one you’d find if you could see into a window of one of those English cottages.”
Joanna swallowed at the lump that rose in her throat. “And…it does….” An instant of pain squeezed her heart.
Jake was standing beside her now, and Joanna had to tilt her head back slightly to look up at him. Her heart pounded mercilessly within her. She’d come here to get over this man, she reminded herself. Not to fall hopelessly in love with him.
Jake knew they needed a change of conversation before nostalgia overtook their emotions. “I apologize for not picking you up at the airport this afternoon, Jo. I’d intended to be there.”
“It’s all right. Ina told me you were delayed at the hospital.”
“Yes,” he replied. “You’ll see that the cancellation of personal plans is a frequent and unfortunate consequence of being in the medical profession.” His mouth slanted into a smile that softened the negative quality of his comment.
Joanna smiled back. “I had a chance to get acquainted with Ina. She’s a sweet lady.”
“I knew you’d like her.” Jake placed a hand against the back of the chair as he studied the dark eyes that viewed him—gentle eyes he’d never forget, not even when Joanna was gone.
Joanna shifted nervously in her seat when Jake’s silence prolonged the awkward moment. “I—I’m glad Ina’s here, but I’m sorry that you had to go to the expense of hiring live-in help because of me.”
Jake gave a dismissive shrug. “It’s no problem. Ina already works here on a part-time basis. Turning this into a live-in position temporarily was a simple matter, and I think she likes it.”
“But the costs—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jake told her. “Ina will help you settle in. She attends services at a church just up the road a few miles. I’m sure she’d like it if you went with her while you’re here. She already has plans to involve you in a children’s Sunday school class.”
“She didn’t mention that to me. I’ll have to ask her about it,” Joanna responded as she rose from the living room chair and smoothed the folds from her plum-colored sweater.
“I doubt you’ll need to ask Ina very many questions. You’ll find she volunteers information quite freely,” Jake said, his smile widening.
Joanna gave a soft laugh. “Ina does seem to enjoy talking.”
“Yes, she does,” he agreed. “Did she give you the credit cards?”
“Yes, but I don’t want them, Jake. You’ve paid for my ticket, my coat and boots, and you’re letting me stay here to be with Aunt Mae. I want to be able to pay you back and you’ve done so much already—”
“No arguments, Jo.” He cut off her protest as they walked together toward the staircase. “Buy whatever you need. I trust your judgment.”
“But the car, Jake. Ina gave me the keys to that blue car and told me it’s mine to use while I’m here. I can’t accept that.”
“It’s a rental. When you leave, I’ll send it back. You’ll need transportation while you’re here and, in case you haven’t noticed, there aren’t any bus stops out here in the country.”
“I’m going to find some temporary work while I’m here so I can repay at least part of the money.” Joanna stood at the foot of the stairs, looking up into smoky gray eyes that showed no hint of the answers she was seeking.
“There’s no need. Don’t worry about it,” Jake assured her before an uncomfortable stillness fell between them.
“Aunt Mae seemed to be doing very well today,” Joanna said. “She’s better than she was in the hospital.”
“Yes,” he agreed. “The cardiologist saw her yesterday. He changed her medication. He will come by the house tomorrow to check on her.”
“I think you may have saved her life by bringing her here,” Joanna admitted the thought that had awed her. How much Jake had been willing to give up to help Mae.
“I want her to have the best chance she can.” Jake rubbed a hand against the muscles in the back of his neck. “Did Mae ever tell you how much she loves Indiana farmland?” he asked, with a gentle laugh. “Years ago she told me stories about growing up around here. I think that’s why she liked me so much that first time we met at the clinic. She found out I was from this part of the country, and that was all it took.”
Joanna’s laugh was soft. “No, she’d have loved you even if you were city born and bred. You’re the son she always wanted and never had.”
“Maybe,” Jake replied, “But either way, I’m grateful. She’s a pleasure to know.”
“Yes, she is,” she agreed before another awkward silence had to be chased away. “You have a beautiful home, Jake. Ina showed me around.”
“It was my father’s.” His words were suddenly quiet, solemn. The house had belonged to his mother, too, for a few years. Before she’d walked out on them. But he wouldn’t acknowledge it. Not to Joanna, barely even to himself. He could hardly remember the woman whose absence had left more of an imprint on his life than her brief presence ever did. But that was enough reflection on unpleasant memories for one night. What had they been discussing? The house, he recalled. “This place is pretty much the way my father left it.” Except for Joanna’s room.
“It’s very…picturesque,” she replied, and he looked away from her, down to the dark wood of the banister. She stopped talking, sensing his mood change. Had she managed to say something wrong already? During their first conversation? “I—I appreciate everything you’re doing for Aunt Mae and for me,” she offered in a gentle voice.
Jake met her gaze, his eyes guarded again. Unreadable. “I know,” he replied. “But you’ll need to rely on Ina, not me. I’m not going to be here much.” He’d make sure of it. He’d decided that the moment he’d asked her to come.
Joanna nodded her head. “I’ll sit with Aunt Mae as much as I can so you can cut down on the expense of hired help.”
“That’s not necessary. There’s a steady stream of caretakers in and out of here,” he answered. “Mae just needs you around for moral support, I think. And comfort. I realize you two are very close.”
“She’s been good to me,” Joanna responded, placing her hands on the smooth wood railing. “She accepted me as family from the moment we met. Unconditional love. After my difficult childhood years, I needed that.”
Jake gave a brief nod, not trusting himself to speak. The subject of her troubled past was not a good one to embark on. It brought too many painful emotions to the forefront that he wasn’t capable of dealing with tonight. It would make Joanna sad, and he couldn’t bear to see her sad again. Even if it wasn’t his fault, this time.
“Well…” she began hesitantly, “I guess I’ll say good night.”
“Good night, Jo,” Jake responded as he watched her turn and make her way up the staircase to the second story of this house. His house. In the two years he’d lived here alone, he couldn’t count the times he’d wondered how it would be to have her here, in his home, with him. Now, here she was, against his better judgment. And on this first night, it was proving to be as impossible as he’d suspected it would be. Jake shook his head in a mixture of frustration and sadness. There could be no future for them together; nothing had happened to change that. Now, all he had to do was stop wanting it…wanting her.
Chapter Three
“W e could use you for however many weeks you’re available, Miss Meccord. Could you start tomorrow?” the administrator of Smithfield Children’s Home asked at the end of an extensive interview.
“Yes, definitely,” Joanna replied. “I certainly can.”
“Fine. Come in around four o’clock so you can have dinner with us and meet the children.”
Joanna had the urge to hug the man, but he looked so dignified sitting behind his large oak desk, she decided against it. “Yes, I’ll be here. Thank you, sir.”
“Glad to have you on board.” The gray-haired gentleman stood up, extending a hand to Joanna. “We’ll be expecting you tomorrow.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you.” Joanna shook his hand before finding her way to the personnel office where she picked up the necessary forms. Then she headed for her rental car. A part-time temporary job. She couldn’t wait to share the news with Ina, and thank her for her help in getting this position.
Pulling into the driveway, Joanna saw Jake’s silver sports car parked next to the garage. She gathered up the paperwork, slid her purse over her shoulder and hurried through the crisp wintry air toward the house. She pushed open the front door and stepped into a hallway filled with the aroma of a bakery. It smelled wonderful. Like home. Except, not any home Joanna could actually remember.
“Ina?”
“In the kitchen, dear,” Ina called from the far end of the house.
Dropping her car keys into her small handbag, Joanna hung her coat in the closet and headed toward the kitchen. “Hi!”
“Hello,” they greeted her. Jake sat at the table with a half-eaten slice of peach pie in front of him and the morning newspaper in his hands.
“Want a piece of pie?” Ina asked. “Freshly baked.”
“Not right now, but thanks. It looks delicious,” Joanna responded. She glanced toward Jake and was surprised to see him wearing a casual navy shirt and jeans. And glasses. “I’ve never seen you wear glasses,” she commented. She liked the look.
“That’s because we haven’t been around each other much for the past two years,” he replied as he looked up from his paper.
“How did your interview go?” Ina asked, wiping her hands on a dishtowel.
“Great!” Joanna exclaimed. “I got the job!”
Ina opened her arms, enveloping Joanna in a big hug. “That’s wonderful, dear. I’m so happy for you!”
“What job?” Jake asked with obvious surprise. “You haven’t been here more than forty-eight hours.”
“I know, but Ina told me about Smithfield Children’s Home. She knows several people who work there, and she made a few calls. They needed some temporary help to work with the children…someone with a social work background. And I got the job! I can’t wait to tell Aunt Mae.”
But the idea didn’t seem to please Jake. “You don’t need a job while you’re here, Joanna. If you need more money—”
“I don’t want to ask for money, Jake. I’d like to be able to even pay you back for some of what you’re doing.”
“It’s not necessary. Don’t feel that you need to do that.”
Joanna smiled and gave an uncertain shrug. “I may not be able to do that even with this job. It doesn’t exactly pay well. Is there any iced tea, Ina?”
“In the refrigerator, dear,” Ina answered.
“Thanks,” Joanna replied and opened the door. Lifting the pitcher from the top shelf, she poured some of the drink into a tall glass. “But it will be wonderful experience for me working with the kids. Do you want some tea?”
“No, thanks,” Jake responded.
“Don’t you want to join us, Ina?” Joanna asked when she noticed Ina had returned to the kitchen sink to finish rinsing some dishes.
“No, thank you. You go ahead,” Ina said, glancing over her shoulder.
“Smithfield Children’s Home,” Jake repeated and sent an inquiring look with a sharp lift of his brows in Ina’s direction.
Joanna noticed the exchange. “Yes. They have about a hundred kids there, Jake. Boys and girls, all ages. They’re children going through transitional periods in their lives—moving from one foster home to another or out of a treatment center into an adoptive placement.” She spoke in such a rush of words, she had to pause for a quick breath, which brought a grin from Jake. “It’s a wonderful place!” she added with enthusiasm.
“Yes, it is,” he agreed with a nod. “I thought so myself the first time I visited it.”
“You’ve been there?” Joanna sat down.
“I’m there every Wednesday morning for an hour or two. When do you start?” Jake asked before taking another bite of pie.
“Tomorrow. But, what do you mean you’re there every Wednesday? What do you do there?”
“The same things I do daily at my office,” he replied. “I see patients who are sick or injured. The kids, I mean.”
“But…” She glanced over at Ina who was busy concentrating on the dishes in the sink rather than facing Joanna just then. “Ina, you didn’t tell me Jake was one of the people who worked there.”
“Didn’t I mention that?” Ina responded without looking up. “I meant to.”
Sure you did, Joanna thought. How convenient for Ina to forget that one piece of information. Joanna returned her gaze to the man seated beside her at the table. “Should I thank you for getting this job for me?”
“No, not at all,” Jake assured. “I didn’t know anything about this, and I’m not in favor of you working right now. Especially not at Smithfield. Putting yourself in a setting like that with all those troubled kids…it won’t be easy for you, Joanna. It will bring back bad memories of your own childhood.” He paused. “Are you sure you’re prepared for that?”
“I have to be. Social work is what I want to do. Being an advocate for those children is my career goal. I can’t help them if I’m not exposed to them, can I?” she explained, defending her choices.
Jake wasn’t pleased. She could see it in that shadowy frown that hovered at the corners of his mouth. But she could be just as determined as he could, Joanna assured herself and gave a slight but definite lift of her chin.
Jake’s tight expression relaxed into a smile before he looked down briefly at the plate and fork on the table. “It’s your decision,” he commented. When he raised his gaze to meet hers again, all humor was gone. “Just be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt. Mae’s health is enough of a concern without having your heart broken over some child you can’t help.”
It might be easier to deal with than some other forms of heartbreak, Joanna longed to reply. But she didn’t. She simply nodded in silence and then turned to Ina. “Are we going tonight?”
“Yes,” Ina said. “Be ready by six-forty-five.”
“What do you two have planned?” Jake asked.
“Bible study,” Joanna replied. “Ina says they’re studying the book of Ephesians.”
“Ephesians,” Jake repeated as Ina quietly slipped from the room.
“Yes. They’re studying about the Lord’s love for us and our spiritual riches in Christ,” Joanna explained, then noticed how closely Jake was studying her as she spoke. “You know…about how God gave his Son so we could be forgiven for our sins.” She knew that Jake was familiar with some of what she was talking about. They’d discussed it before. Several times.
“You really believe all of that, don’t you? That people must find some sort of a personal relationship with God?” Jake’s questions were straightforward and serious, not belittling in the least.
“Absolutely.”
“There are a lot of people in the world—good people—who wouldn’t agree with you.”
“No one is saved by being a good person. It’s more than that. Salvation is a gift from God,” Joanna explained. “It’s never a matter of just doing enough good deeds, Jake. There are two completely different roads in life—the Lord’s way or the way of the world. Everyone has a time in their life when they’re standing at the crossroads and has to make a decision.” She wondered if she should invite him to join them. It was worth a try. “If you’d like, you could come with us tonight. The pastor could do a much better job of explaining these things to you than I can.”
But Jake shook his head. “Thanks, but I can’t tonight, Jo. I’m meeting Daniel Vernon at the gym to play basketball. He’s one of Andrew’s sons.”
Joanna smiled. “I remember you mentioning him before. You went to school with Daniel, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” Jake answered. “Sorry about tonight. Maybe some other time?”
“Sure. Some other time,” she agreed, wondering if such a time would come. And when. “I’ll see you later.” She turned to go just as Jake stood up.
“Joanna…” he called after her.
She looked back.
“How did it feel when you stood at those crossroads?”
Joanna had to stop and really think for a moment. It had been so long ago. “I think I felt…loved. Loved by God in a way I’d never been loved by anyone else.”
“Like God Himself stood there? Waiting?” he asked.
“Yes,” she agreed quickly, surprised by his insight. “But there was no thunder or lightning. No messenger angel. Just a still, small voice inside me.” She raised a hand to her heart. “In here.”
Jake’s eyes followed the movement of her hand before returning to lock with her gaze. There was something there, some sadness, something complex Joanna couldn’t identify. Something she couldn’t help him with. Every ounce of her wanted to make right whatever was so wrong within him, but it wasn’t her wrong to right. “The Lord only wants us to love Him, Jake.”
A look of utter weariness crossed Jake’s face before he glanced up at the clock. “I’ve got to get going. We’ll have to talk another time.”
She nodded but worried about the strained tone of his voice. “I—I’ll go upstairs to sit with Aunt Mae. She seemed to be feeling better this morning.”
Jake agreed. “She’s hanging in there. I was with her earlier, and we talked quite a bit.”
About what, Joanna wondered. Spiritual matters, maybe? Not knowing what else to do, Joanna excused herself and headed toward the staircase. She’d been a Christian since she was twelve years old, many years before she moved in with her aunt. Why, after all these years, did talking about her faith seem like such a private matter? Why was it still so difficult to discuss with Jake? Maybe because she cared so much about his reaction? Because those people dearest to the heart are the ones who seem slowest to accept the truth? Hadn’t Aunt Mae warned her about that a long time ago?
After her parents’ deaths, Joanna had spent her childhood years with no connection to her past. Her adoptive parents had not allowed her access to available information. When she’d turned eighteen, she’d begun searching for any relatives she might have left from her biological family. That’s when she’d discovered she had a widowed aunt, and Aunt Mae had been delighted to meet the niece she’d prayed for over the years. The Lord had led Joanna home to the roots she’d been hoping for. An aunt with a heart full of love. That was tangible evidence to Joanna of what God could do. She wished there was some evidence she could produce for Jake to help him believe.
A gush of frigid air literally pushed Joanna and Ina inside the front door as they returned from church services that evening.
“Jake won’t be home until late,” Ina said after she’d listened to the messages on the answering machine. “He was called to the hospital because Andrew needed him.”
Joanna placed her coat along with Ina’s in the hallway closet. “But Jake was supposed to go to the gym for a while. Does Dr. Vernon usually call him for help?”
“Andrew Vernon is nearly ready to retire, and, if you ask me, he depends on Dr. Barnes too much. Things will be easier when Andrew retires and a younger doctor comes in to help out.” Ina walked toward the stairs, but not without stopping beside Joanna to give an affectionate pat on her arm. “I’ll see you in the morning, dear. I’m going to check in on Mae and the nurse, then go on to bed.”
“Okay,” Joanna said with a smile. “I’ll say good-night to Aunt Mae, too. Then I think I’ll sit down here for a while and read. See you in the morning.”
After finding Mae sleeping peacefully for the night, Joanna went back downstairs. Curling up in the large comfortable chair in the corner of the living room, she read one of Ina’s magazines until she grew sleepy. Then she switched off the light and leaned her head against the wing of the chair.
A warm hand squeezed her shoulder gently, and Joanna stirred in the chair. Her drowsy eyes opened slowly to find Jake standing beside her in the living room.
“Hi, sleepyhead,” he said quietly, but when Joanna met his gaze, she saw a gloominess there she’d not seen before. Not that she could ever recall. He looked tired, but it was much more than that. It was sorrow. Stark and real. She sat up suddenly.
“Jake, what’s wrong? Is it Aunt Mae?” she asked in a voice still raspy with sleep.
“Mae’s fine. Don’t be frightened,” he assured her and for the first time since she’d awakened, he looked away.
“But something’s wrong,” she persisted. Glancing up at the lighted grandfather clock in the corner of the room, she saw that it was nearly one o’clock in the morning. “You’ve been at the hospital? All this time?”
“Yes,” he said in the hush of the room. Only the ticking of the clock broke the silence.
Joanna moved out of the chair and onto the ottoman. She patted her hand against the cushion, still warm from the presence of her body. “Sit down. Tell me what’s happened,” she urged softly.
Jake sat down, sinking into the comfort of the overstuffed chair.
“What is it?” she whispered.
“One of Andrew’s patients died tonight. Mr. Littner. He was an elderly gentleman. I didn’t really know the man, but I’ve never seen Andrew take anything so hard.”
“Was it sudden? Unexpected?”
Jake didn’t answer immediately but ran a hand wearily over his eyes. “He’d been ill for several months so it wasn’t totally unexpected, but Andrew was surprised that it happened this soon. This quickly.” He looked at Joanna. “Mr. Littner gave up. Simply gave up. And died.”
She touched Jake’s arm, waiting for him to continue.
“He said he was ready to go…that there wasn’t anything left on this earth worth living for.”
“Didn’t he have a family?” Joanna asked.
“His wife died about a year ago, and he lost his only daughter when she was a child. He didn’t want to live, Jo. He said he was ready to go home to be with his Lord.”
“Then he’s better off now than he was here on this Earth, sickly and with no loved ones.”
“Can it be like that?” Jake’s eyes were bleak, desolate. “Can you be certain that what you believe is the truth?”
“Yes,” she answered, nodding her head. “I’m certain, Jake, with all my heart. But I had to trust God…to really completely trust Him.” Trust. She wondered if that was the stumbling block. Did Jake trust anyone? Completely?
He sat very still, looking so intently at Joanna she wondered if he could somehow see into her soul.
“Let me get my Bible,” she began, “and I can show you some verses—”
“No, please,” Jake said, cutting off her words and stinging her with his sudden disinterest. “It’s late. We’re both tired.”
But Joanna realized that the late hour was only an excuse. Opening a Bible and finding the right verses might force Jake to face the decision he wasn’t ready to make. She stood up and gave what she hoped was an understanding smile. “Maybe some other time then. I’m sorry about Mr. Littner. And Andrew.”
Jake gave a distracted nod in a gesture of thanks before Joanna turned to leave.
“Good night,” she said. Then she disappeared up the stairs. And Jake watched her go.
When Joanna reached the second floor, she went directly to Mae’s room where she checked on her aunt and said good-night to the nurse who was seated next to the bedside engrossed in a thick novel. Then Joanna headed for her own room. She changed out of her jeans and sweater and into a thin nightgown that was designed more for South Carolina’s nights than Indiana’s. But, nestling down into the bed, she warmed up quickly despite her inability to sleep. Her first day on a new job started in several hours, but she wasn’t worried. It felt right and she knew how to work with the children. No, it was Jake that worried her. She used to think of herself as being alone. But she didn’t feel so alone anymore. Not since Aunt Mae had come into her life. Then Jake, and now Ina. This time it was Jake who seemed alone. And there had to be moments, like tonight, when he felt it. She’d been there when he’d come home, she realized, but only in a distant kind of way. Why couldn’t she be the comfort to him that he’d been to her in days gone by? Then her mind went back to the evening they’d lost all that, and more.
Joanna’s twentieth birthday. Mae had planned a special dinner at Joanna’s favorite restaurant, but when the time came to go, Mae wasn’t feeling well. Rather than cancel the reservations and spoil the occasion, Jake had suggested that he and Joanna go by themselves. They hadn’t seen each other much over the past few weeks, and it would be a chance for them to talk. And he wanted her birthday to be a special one.
So they went to the restaurant Mae had selected, which sat atop the highest hotel in the city. And it was wonderful—the food, the sights. The company. Joanna couldn’t remember a better evening in all her life, and it passed all too quickly….
They were among the last customers to leave the restaurant that night, and their conversation didn’t lag on the long drive home. It was only when Jake pulled his car into Mae’s driveway that an awkward silence fell between them. The engine off, the lights out. Only the dim porch lamp offered relief from the darkness of the night.
“Thank you for a perfect evening, Jake.” She shifted in her seat to look into his unfathomable eyes. Had he enjoyed their time together, too? He’d certainly been attentive the past few hours. He’d sat across the table from her, talking, laughing, looking at her, she suspected, in some new way. More like the young woman she was and not the teenager she had been when they’d first met. If his goal on this night of her birthday was to make her feel like the most important woman in the world, he’d more than succeeded. She felt like the most important woman in his world. It had been a lovely feeling but, she knew, it was time for it to end.
Jake reached for her hand and slowly pressed her fingers to his mouth for a kiss. Her hand was soft, sweet. Free of any rings of belonging to another. “It’s been special for me, too,” he admitted as he battled an unexpected desire. He wanted her closer. Next to him. In his arms.
Jake cleared his throat quietly and lowered their hands to the seat but couldn’t quite let go. He laced his fingers through hers.
“Yes, very special,” Joanna agreed. She straightened and sighed softly, knowing it was getting late. “I guess it’s time to say good-night.” No matter how much she didn’t want to. She glanced down at their interlocking fingers, then back into his gaze. His eyes held hers and suddenly she knew. He felt it, too. Perhaps as strongly as she did.
Jake nodded but didn’t speak. He couldn’t think of a response. At the moment, all he could think of was Joanna and how beautiful she was. Absolutely beautiful—in looks and in spirit. He’d never been as acutely aware of that fact as he was tonight. It knifed through him in a way it never had.
“Joanna…” he whispered as his hands moved to touch her satin-smooth face. Then his hands slid into her soft, loose hair, pulling her easily into a gentle kiss that slowly grew as needy as either had ever known. The warmth of Jake’s mouth over hers felt like the most natural thing in the world to Joanna. She wondered how she’d lived this long without it. When Jake touched her shoulders, bringing her closer, she slowly, instinctively slid her arms around his neck, deepening his response and clouding her thoughts. Never had anything felt so right. She wanted more. Of him, of them, of whatever it was they were finding here together tonight. Her fingers wandered into his dark, silky hair.
“Joanna…” he murmured her name again. His breath flowed warmly along the delicate line of her throat. Her soft sigh in reply did nothing to discourage him when his mouth trailed light, tiny kisses down her neck to a smooth shoulder covered with only a thin strap of a summer dress. Jake felt her sharp in-take of breath at the contact. He hesitated, his lips lingering intimately against the curve of her shoulder as he tried to reason with himself. This was Joanna in his arms. His friend. And he wanted her more at that moment than he’d ever wanted anyone in his life. His entire life. And it was crazy. She was sweet, innocent…and young. Too young. Jake stopped—instantly—and lifted his head to look into her barely open eyes. What were they doing? What was he doing? “Joanna…this is crazy,” he barely breathed the words before he pulled away from her completely, raising a hand to his mouth.
“Jake?” she whispered in the stillness. Free of his touch, she’d never felt colder in all her life.
“I’m sorry,” he answered in a voice deadly quiet with realization.
“But—”
Jake’s words brought her questions to a halt. “I care about you, Jo, very much, but this…”
“What’s wrong?” she asked despite the uneasiness settling over her at the distance in the voice that had murmured her name with such longing only moments earlier. “What did I do—”
“Nothing,” he assured her before rubbing his hand down his face. He leaned back against the seat being careful not to touch her as he did so. “It’s what I’m doing that’s the problem.”
Stung but confused, she watched him close his eyes in disgust, frustration…something she couldn’t identify. “Jake…we’re not doing anything—”
“We’re not doing anything,” he repeated in disbelief. “Do you kiss every man you go out with like that?” The question was blunt. Angry.
“No! Of course, I don’t,” she replied. “I’ve never kissed anyone…like that. How could you ask?”
“Because we were doing plenty, Joanna, whether you realize it or not. And we’re headed toward much more.”
Her face flushed with humiliation. Were they? Was she being careless? She’d never been in a situation quite like this, and it had been difficult to think when Jake was holding her.
“You should go inside,” he stated. The look of concern in his eyes only made her feel worse. “C’mon. I’ll walk you to the door.”
“But I don’t want to go in yet.”
“And I don’t want you to, either. That’s exactly why you have to go now.” He reached for the car door.
“But, Jake—”
“Don’t you see?” he asked urgently, ending her protest. “We can want each other, we can have each other…but it won’t lead to a future together. And that’s what you’ll need.”
Joanna felt chilled. She looked down at her hands, which were now folded neatly together in her lap. Jake didn’t want her, wouldn’t want her—not for anything more than this? She could hardly believe his warning. “We’ve known each other a long time, Jake. I thought we were friends—”
“We are friends,” he insisted before reaching out to touch her hair. The softness was almost unbearable and he pulled his hand away. “I don’t ever want to lose that. And, we will…if we let this happen.”
“You can’t know that—”
“I do know. You have no idea how complicated things can get.” Jake exhaled a heavy sigh. She had no idea how uncomplicated he wanted things to remain. Joanna was a woman he would chose neither to hurt nor to have. He’d seen what a love like this could do to a person, what it had done to his own father, and he wanted no part in it. But how was he supposed to explain that to her? To this tenderhearted young woman he could too easily love? “Jo, listen to me,” Jake began as he reached to touch her hand.
But Joanna pulled away. She sat only a few inches from him, her arms crossed in front of her. “It’s Dr. Eden, isn’t it? Natalie Eden?” she asked.
Jake hesitated. She didn’t know how little he’d ever allowed anyone to mean to him. Including Dr. Eden. She didn’t know he wanted it that way, kept it that way. Intentionally. And he wasn’t going to tell Joanna that now. He breathed an undistinguishable curse under his breath. This was his fault, and he should have known better than to let it happen. Joanna was still practically a kid. How could he have allowed things to get so mixed-up? How could he undo this mess? No way, he knew. None. Unless he lied.
“Is it because of Dr. Eden?” Joanna repeated, her heart near to breaking.
“Natalie and I have known each other for a long time…” Jake said and stopped. Being dishonest with Joanna was something he could hardly make himself do. Maybe if he just stopped there, didn’t say anything more… Maybe, he hoped, the implication would be enough. And it was.
“I understand,” Joanna replied in a voice barely audible.
She watched the line of his mouth tighten but had no idea that it was all Jake could do to refrain from telling her that, no, she didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand how close he found himself to loving her—Joanna Meccord. Not Dr. Eden or any other woman he’d known. And the thought unnerved him. It was his deep affection for this unassuming young woman that had blindsided him this evening. He’d known her for so long, liked her so much, he hadn’t seen this coming. It simply hadn’t occurred to him to put up defenses to something he’d never imagined existed. Not with Joanna.
Their walk to the front door that evening was a silent one with Jake regretting his actions while Joanna wondered if all hope was lost for them. Jake wasn’t going to give them this chance they’d stumbled upon. Joanna sensed it, felt it…even more than his words had proclaimed it. He was sorry for this evening’s events. He’d undo all of it if he could, and that thought cut through the heart she’d just discovered could belong to him, if only he wanted it.
They walked up onto the porch and approached the front door. It was time for the inevitable goodbye. But Jake owed her more than goodbye. “Joanna…” he began. “I care about you…very much…more than you know.”
Joanna’s eyes misted with wistful thoughts of what might have been. “I understand. You don’t have to say anything more. You need someone like Natalie Eden. A doctor, a professional woman nearer your own age and position in life. I know I’m not right for you.” She watched his mouth dip into a deep frown.
“Jo, you’re a beautiful woman, a wonderful friend, but—”
“Good night, Jake,” she interrupted. She didn’t want to hear platitudes and apologies. Joanna reached for the door, but Jake quickly covered her hand with his own.
“There’s nothing we can do to change what’s happened,” he admitted, “and there’s no way we can forget. I’m not sure either of us would really want to.”
She turned her head to meet his gaze and was surprised by the glimpse of misery she found there. “Then, why…?”
“Why can’t we be together?” Jake finished her thought for her. “We just can’t. I don’t want the kind of life you’re going to need. I can’t give you that.” He hesitated. “Find someone who will, Jo. I want you to be happy.”
“But,” Joanna began, “you make me happy. I don’t need a guarantee of what the future holds. I— I just need you.”
He’d never felt like a bigger louse in all his thirty-two years. How had he let her come to need him? She’d been a contented friend a few hours ago until he opened up possibilities and emotions between them that shouldn’t exist.
“Please, don’t need me,” he replied as gently as he could. “Believe me when I tell you it wouldn’t work. I’m truly sorry.” Jake leaned forward, pressing his mouth against her forehead in a light, but lingering kiss.
They parted that night with an awkwardness they’d not known before and successfully avoided each other for the next several days. Then one day while Joanna was working at the day care center, Jake came.
It was a damp day in late winter, but many of the teachers had brought their students outside to the playground for the afternoon. Mrs. Clark, the teacher of the class with which Joanna helped, was no exception.
“The children are being so good today,” Joanna said, glancing up from the tiny, raven-haired youngster she was pushing in a swing.
“Hmm…” Mrs. Clark was obviously not listening as she looked out past Joanna toward the fence. “I’m wondering who your young admirer is.”
“With all the people on this playground, what makes you think it’s me someone is admiring?” Joanna laughed, but curious at the comment, she looked in the direction Mrs. Clark had been staring. Her heart skipped a beat. There was a long distance between them, too much to be certain, but somehow she knew it was Jake.
“Well, was I right?” Mrs. Clark asked. “Do you know him?”
“It’s Jake,” she responded and raised a hand to protect her eyes from the sun. “Jake Barnes.”
A gracious smile warmed Mrs. Clark’s face. “The young doctor you’ve spoken of?”
“Yes,” Joanna replied. “The one who’s dating someone else.”
“Well, he’s not here looking at that someone else now, is he? Why don’t you go talk to him?”
Joanna hesitated as she surveyed the activity on the playground. “But the children—”
“The children will be fine, and I can watch them for myself for a few minutes. Now, take a break and go say hello to that young man over there before I do,” Mrs. Clark protested successfully.
Sliding one hand into the deep pocket of her colorful work smock, she began crossing the grassy area of the park. In an attempt to push the windblown strands from her face, she ran slender fingers through her ash-blond hair. She had not seen Jake for days. Not since her birthday. And whatever composure she could manage in his presence would be fragile at best. Unsure what to expect, she took a deep breath and approached him.
“Hello,” she offered, attempting to sound casual while her heart pounded so loudly in her ears, she feared she would not hear his reply.
“Hello,” he answered and nodded toward the busy playground. “I’m glad you could get away.”
“I only have a couple of minutes.” As she spoke, Joanna managed to lower her gaze from his to focus on the collar of his shirt. Hugging her arms to her stomach, she fought the chill running through her. If he were only to touch her, she knew she would feel warm again.
And Jake reached out, brushing warm fingers against her cheek. He’d witnessed many painful scenes in his life, but never one quite like this. He’d seen the hurt in her wary eyes, hurt he knew he was responsible for. But this was a personal pain, too. Self-inflicted. “We need to talk.”
Joanna squinted, holding hot tears in check. Unable to speak without emotion, she simply nodded her head in agreement.
Jake watched her lower her gaze to the grass at her feet rather than meet his eyes, and he was grateful. He wasn’t sure he could say the words if she looked him in the eyes. “I came here to tell you something before you hear it from someone else.”
Joanna glanced up. It couldn’t be good.
“I’m going away, Jo. Back home.”
“Not now.” The words escaped before Joanna could stop them.
“Yes, now,” he replied firmly. “I’m going back home to Indiana to take over my father’s private practice.”
“But, Jake…” she began. Didn’t he have any of the same mixed-up feelings for her that she had for him? How could he walk away like this? “That’s so far away.”
“I know, but it’s my home. It’s where I belong.”
A rush of tears flooded Joanna’s eyes, and she looked away, not understanding what was happening to her. She’d spent a lifetime of moving here and there throughout her childhood. Losing friends, finding new ones—it had been a way of life. But, with Jake… Why was her heart breaking now? How could one night change everything?
“Don’t cry,” Jake said quietly, his mouth tight and grim. Placing a hand under her chin, he tilted her head up gently and forced her to meet his gaze. “Don’t waste your tears or your dreams on me, Jo.”
And with those words, he’d walked out of her life.
Joanna’s bittersweet memories of days gone by brought fresh tears to the surface, but she brushed them away. She had more to worry about than the fact that Jake Barnes didn’t love her. There were other harsh realities of life to be dealt with.
Wrapping a pillow around the back of her head, she closed her eyes to whisper her prayers. She reminded the Lord of the weather forecast for tomorrow, as if He didn’t already know. Ten to twelve inches of snow. Her first day of work, and she’d rarely driven on icy roads. She definitely had more to be concerned about than a future without Jake Barnes. She had to get through tomorrow.
Chapter Four
T he door to the car flew open, and biting air crashed over Joanna.
“Are you crazy?” Jake’s voice boomed over the roar of the wind. “What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?” He gripped her forearm, pulling her from the stalled vehicle.
Joanna stepped out into a snowdrift that was deeper than the top of her boots. Snow slid down inside the lining. “I’m freezing….” She rubbed her hands together, trying to rid herself of the numbness. “Thank God, you found me.”
“Yes, do thank God because He’s the only reason I found you. I could barely see your car down in this ditch from the road.” He put his arm around her shoulders for support. “Are you all right?”
“Yes. I haven’t been out here very long.”
“It doesn’t take long to freeze to death in this kind of weather, Joanna,” he responded sharply. “We’ve got to get home.”
“But the car…” She glanced over her shoulder at the stranded vehicle.
“We’ll take care of it tomorrow. Let’s go,” he ordered.
The wind howled around her ears, and she gripped Jake’s arm tightly as they began climbing the embankment. Trudging through the snow, every step felt heavier than the one before it. The incline was only several feet high but very steep, and it loomed like a mountain before Joanna’s eyes. Gusts of frigid air whipped her face so that she could scarcely catch her breath, and she put her gloved hand over her mouth.
At the top of the embankment, Jake stepped up onto the icy road and hauled Joanna up out of the snow. She lost her footing when her boot hit the slick pavement, and she fell against him. Reaching for the side of his car, Jake braced them from the fall as another fierce arctic blast rocked them.
Jake pulled open the driver’s door, shouting over the raging wind. “Get in! Hurry up!”
Joanna crawled into the small car, over the gearshift and onto the passenger seat. Her nearly frozen limbs restricted her to slow, awkward movements. Immediately, Jake climbed in behind the steering wheel and slammed the door to cut off the bone-chilling air. The motor was still running and the warmth from the heater filled the automobile, stinging Joanna’s fingertips.
“Give me your hands,” he instructed, and she removed the soggy gloves, letting them fall onto the floorboard. Taking her hands in his, he rubbed them briskly. Jake raised them to his mouth to blow warm breath over them, and the friction gradually caused more feeling to return to Joanna’s fingers.
“Better?”
“It hurts,” she replied.
“It will stop eventually. What in the world were you doing out in this storm?”
“Going to work,” she responded hesitantly and pulled her hands away from him.
“To work? I could have told you the only place you were going was right into the nearest ditch.”
“But this is my first day, Jake. If I don’t show up, I might lose this job.”
“Then lose it. No one can go anywhere in weather like this.” He turned on the windshield wipers and edged his car from the side of the road. “You’ve probably never driven on roads this icy before today. How could you expect to drive in an actual blizzard?”
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