Daniel Isn’t Talking
Marti Leimbach
A powerful novel exploring the effects of autism on a young family from Marti Leimbach, author of the international bestseller ‘Dying Young’, who has experienced and dealt with the condition within her immediate family.My husband saw me at a party and decided he wanted to marry me.Melanie Marsh is an American living in London married to Stephen, the perfect Englishman, who knew the minute he saw her that she was to be his future. But when their youngest child is diagnosed with autism their marriage starts to unravel at great speed. Stephen runs back into the arms of his previous girlfriend while Melanie does everything in her power to help her son and keep her family together.And then one day Melanie hears about a man named Andy O'Connor, who calls himself a ‘play therapist’ and has a client list so long she can barely get him on the phone. Some say he's a maverick and a con artist of the first degree, but when he walks into the house and starts playing with her child, Melanie knows she's found the key to her son's success, and possibly to her own happiness.‘Daniel Isn't Talking’ is a passionate and darkly humorous novel that explores a mother's determination to help her child. A love story for grown ups, it somehow extends its wisdom far beyond the parameters of disability and into the substance of human nature itself. A tense, moving novel that will make you laugh out loud even as it breaks your heart.
From the reviews of Daniel Isn’t Talking:
‘A beautifully crafted and immensely touching novel that also depicts the dramatic effects autism can exert on the dynamics of the family’
ADAM FEINSTEIN, Guardian
‘Heartfelt, realistic and informative … Leimbach vividly portrays both overwhelming maternal love and the ins and outs of autism … Thought-provoking writing’
Sunday Times
‘One of the most enchanting and gripping books of the year … Managing to be darkly funny and touching by turns, Leimbach knows how to engage her readers completely, producing a narrative that has an almost filmic quality … From the first page you share in [Melanie’s] fears for Daniel, relish her small victories, and hold your breath when it looks as if she might find romance again. An outstanding novel’
Daily Mail
‘A voice of real authority … sharp and funny … The description of Daniel is raw and compelling’
Independent
‘An unflinching account of the exasperation of raising an autistic child; incredibly, Marti Leim bach manages to find hope’
LIONEL SHRIVER, author of We Need to Talk About Kevin
‘Marti Leimbach’s terrific novel manages to be both realistic and upbeat about a difficult subject and is shot through with wonderful moments of humour’
KATE LONG, author of The Bad Mother’s Handbook
‘[A] tender, involving tale of a family in crisis’
Woman & Home
‘Compelling’
Vogue
‘Leimbach is a writer who depicts matters of the heart vividly …Very readable and extremely moving’
Easy Living
‘A love story that delves beyond the parameters of disability and into human nature itself. An intense read, lightened by some great moments of dark humour’
Belfast Telegraph
‘Beautifully written and refreshingly unsentimental, Daniel Isn’tTalking is moving and totally engrossing’
Irish Examiner
MARTI LEIMBACH
Daniel Isn’t Talking
A NOVEL
Daniel Isn’t Talking
Contents
Review (#ucb05e769-c274-5026-9a04-349901496355)Title Page (#u1b9624a7-2c6b-5c2c-8a97-582b2b259939)Daniel Isn't Talking (#u2b353c39-2dc4-55c7-a3b2-85f0f080f03a)Chapter One (#ua6067f7d-a586-5505-a0ee-20a0f4bc4c08)Chapter Two (#u2cd6995d-861a-58a2-b26d-eab29665de76)Chapter Three (#ufeeb854c-f1fd-5497-8b73-d018f38e0538)Chapter Four (#u6b61647a-0252-5122-bc2a-3e86130ddf7c)Chapter Five (#u933a3eb9-fc5c-5f3e-bdf8-018d1fe47bad)Chapter Six (#uf393eb07-e2e5-5abe-81c5-454a2a133417)Chapter Seven (#u1429ed4e-b925-53e7-a94f-3e8e95769d8f)Chapter Eight (#uc15f1550-8384-54cf-b9a1-dd7cf6c4a7d8)Chapter Nine (#u904d1222-af07-581d-b58b-10be621f1515)Chapter Ten (#u879982c3-30f7-513c-a3ad-f857fe981fea)Chapter Eleven (#uf8280fd6-2c0e-5637-ad22-ff75615fb91e)Chapter Twelve (#uf01b5ceb-8639-51b4-be04-9e926f2e367e)Chapter Thirteen (#ub88f9f5b-fe58-5faf-a715-c884debbeed2)Chapter Fourteen (#u1661c1ab-9709-5cee-88cf-355497dc91e0)Chapter Fifteen (#uc0095cd1-5fdf-5708-bb3b-99c60126dcc2)Chapter Sixteen (#uc2ac5586-db91-5062-aa6c-25cb6b69cf24)Chapter Seventeen (#u700c38e5-eb33-5adf-ad81-db62b4744ee9)Chapter Eighteen (#u5e4bccd4-e7ed-5a03-9ee0-7af499bdfd9a)Chapter Nineteen (#uad5fa94d-617b-5a54-a56b-70d68ab8a24b)Chapter Twenty (#uc742a47b-881d-5589-a2e6-7703ef09e939)Chapter Twenty One (#u677c374d-71e7-5233-a732-926fc4e11517)Chapter Twenty Two (#u6d559489-c683-588d-916c-e8bab344e141)Chapter Twenty Three (#ucb87d7a2-3548-565e-a390-582b97301bcd)P.S. Ideas, Interviews & Features … (#ue6cd4a71-b07f-5522-b219-d556008fa450)About the Author (#u3c7022ff-f878-5f02-848b-72f52ca7d6d6)By The Same Author (#u7a7d5c6c-b431-56f6-9eaa-948ef992dccd)Copyright (#u99b0752f-ab21-538b-90f5-8ecb1ce8721b)About the Publisher (#ud1c5ea52-d5e7-50cb-9c6f-1c2990e94c59)
1 (#u1a50b7e6-746b-5efd-8cb8-6f90f779f9ff)
My husband saw me at a party and decided he wanted to marry me. That is what he says. I was doing an impression of myself on the back of a motorcycle with my university sweetheart, a young man who loved T. S. Eliot and Harley-Davidsons, and who told me to hang on to him as we swept down Storrow Drive in Boston, the winter wind cutting through our clothes like glass. If I allow myself, I can still remember exactly the warm smell of his leather jacket, how I clung to him, and how in my fear and discomfort I cursed all the way to the ballet.
We sat on the plush red seat cushions and kissed before Baryshnikov came onstage, the whole of his powerful frame a knot of kinetic energy that leapt as though the stage were a springboard. I always insisted on sitting up front so I could appreciate the strength of the dancers, the tautness of their muscles, the sweat on their skin. My lover of motorcycles and poetry once licked my eyeball so quick I hadn’t time to blink, and told me he dreamt of crossing a desert with me, of living on nothing but bee pupae and dates. In warm weather he trod across the university campus in bare feet and a four-week beard, singing loudly in German, which was his area of study, to find me in the chaste, narrow bed allocated to undergraduates. There, while the church bells chimed outside my window, he took his time crossing my body with his tongue.
‘I’m Stephen,’ said my husband, a stranger to me then. Dark jeans, expensive jacket, an upper lip that is full like a girl’s, against a startlingly handsome face. ‘Are you plugged into something?’
My legs were straddling empty air, my back vibrating with an imagined Harley engine, my arms wrapped around the nothingness in front of me. I was laughing. I wasn’t sure at first that Stephen was even speaking to me. I was surrounded by young women – he could have been addressing one of them. But the crowd I was entertaining with this impression seemed to shrink back with Stephen’s approach. Apparently, they all knew him, knew the type of man he was and to back off with his arrival. I didn’t know anything. My lover, now dead, was killed in a highway collision on his way to work one morning. I couldn’t even drive a motorcycle, knowing only to hang on to the boy in front of me, whose head was shielded by a shining black helmet. His precious head.
‘Pretending to be on a motorcycle,’ I said. Suddenly, the whole idea seemed stupid.
‘Do you like motorcycles?’ asked Stephen.
‘I used to.’
‘Would you like a drink?’ he asked, nodding toward the bar. ‘A glass of wine, perhaps?’
I said no, I don’t drink. This wasn’t actually true, but I had no idea I was speaking to my future husband. He was just some guy. None of my answers were supposed to matter.
He smiled, shook his head. He wasn’t easily dissuaded. ‘Let me guess, you used to drink,’ he said.
He was the first man that night who looked right at me instead of slightly over my shoulder, who didn’t make me feel he was comparing me to a whole list of others. And the first man who had offered me a drink, I might add. ‘I’ll have a glass of white wine,’ I told him.
He nodded. And then, without a shimmer of uncertainty, he reached out and touched my hair with his fingertips as I searched the floor with my eyes.
‘Canadian?’ he asked.
‘American.’
‘What brings you to England?’
A combination of circumstances, that was the truth. But it was far too much to explain. ‘I don’t really know,’ I said.
He laughed. ‘Yes you do.’ He was so confident, his eyes steady on me as though he’d known me all his life. ‘You didn’t just get lost.’
‘Yes, that’s exactly it. I got lost.’
He put his hands in his pockets, pushed his face a few inches closer to my own, then away again, smiling. He behaved as though we’d just concluded some tacit agreement and I found myself unwilling to challenge him. ‘I’ll get your wine,’ he said, and disappeared into the crowd.
‘Give me a time frame for this,’ says the shrink. He has a clipboard and a mechanical pencil, a reading lamp that shows his skin, dark and smooth, like an oiled saddle.
‘Six years ago. Spring. On windy days the flowering trees sent blossom through the air like confetti.’
* * *
Now we are to talk about my mother.
‘She died,’ I tell the shrink. He waits, unmoving. This is not enough.
So I explain that it was cancer and that I wasn’t there. When later I saw the time indicated on the death certificate, I realised that I had been at an ice rink, looping circles in rented skates in a small town near Boston. What does that say about me? About my character? The truth is I couldn’t have watched it happen. I mean, the actual moment of death – no. She’d lost both breasts, had a tube stuck into the hollow which would have been her cleavage, shed her hair and her eyebrows. Even her skin peeled in strips. I’d been through all that with her, but this final part was different. There was no helping her.
The worst part, she once told me – this was before things got too bad, before she was entirely bedridden – the worst part, other than the fact that she was dying, was the humiliation of having to go around in maternity clothes. Her belly, its organs swollen with cancer, gave the impression that she’d reached the third trimester of pregnancy. Shopping with her amid the fertile exuberance of expectant mothers had been for her a macabre, debasing affair. We did it. Somehow.
‘I should be buying these things for you,’ she said, holding her credit card in the checkout line. I was twenty-two and looked more or less like all the other women in the shop trying to figure out how big a bra to buy now that they’d outgrown all their others. Except I wasn’t pregnant, though secretly I would have liked to be.
‘I could only give birth to an alien,’ I said. ‘We’d have to buy Babygros with room for three legs.’
‘You will have the most beautiful babies,’ said my mother. ‘You are the most beautiful girl.’
I remember there was a jingle that kept playing in the shop, a nursery rhyme tapped out on a toy piano. I smiled at my mother. ‘Yeah, but cut me and I bleed green,’ I said.
Just before I left for the airport she said, ‘Let me see you again one last time. Who else can make me laugh?’
I promised her that. I promised her in the same manner with which I made her meals she could not eat, took her to the bathroom in the middle of the night, called the ambulance, sat with her as she lay in bed, exhausted, the telephone on one side of her and photographs of her children (now grown) on the other. I promised I’d be back in no time at all, but the afternoon she died I was gliding along a frozen rink in my woolly socks, my mittens.
The fact is I had no intention of being there when she died. I could not face it. I am a woman of great energy, compulsively active, given to fits of laughter, to sudden anger, to passionate and impossible love affairs. But the truth is I am a coward. Or was a coward.
I call my shrink, Shrink. Not to his face, of course. I also call him Jacob. He seems as fascinated by me being American as I am by him being black, a Londoner, and having almost no visible hair on his body at all except this one thing, his greying moustache, which he is often seen poking at with a slim forefinger. He has the delicate hands of a surgeon, but everything else about him is stocky, compact. His leather chair is faded where his head rests, and there are cracks around the edge of the cushion where his legs bend.
‘So that’s it, that’s all you want to say about your mother?’ he says. He sighs, crosses his legs. His laconic air is in direct contrast to my own pulsating, nervous energy. He says, ‘She died and you weren’t there. OK, how about before that? What about when you were growing up?’
My shrink is a man who wants to reveal me, and yet I know nothing about him. I am sure this is the right and proper way for a patient and therapist to operate, but it feels cold to me. I cannot think of anyone in my life now who wants to see inside me for what is good and right, only those who want to find what is wrong. And that’s so easy – everything is wrong. I tell Jacob, ‘My mother was at work. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter.’
‘Run that by me again?’ he says.
‘What about how I feel right now?’
It is as though I’ve eaten a vat of speed; my mind races along trailing incoherencies and half-finished thoughts. There’s a continual restlessness in all four of my limbs; I am hungry almost all the time, except when I eat. Two bites and I feel sick. All this has come upon me gradually over the past months. That confident, breezy woman who Stephen saw at a party all those years ago is not me any more. I am her shadow.
‘Jacob,’ I sigh. ‘Be a pal and medicate me.’
He says, ‘Melanie, you’re going to need to relax about all that or else we won’t get anywhere at all.’
But I can’t relax, which is why I am here. I used to read books by the score but now I am unable to concentrate. I go to the library, trying to find a book that might help me, but even the self-help books seem indecipherable. I’m lucky if I can remember a phone number. So instead I wander. I visit all-night cafés on the Edgware Road where teenagers suck sweet tobacco from hookahs; I go traipsing round the New Covent Garden Market, picking lonely flower stems from the shiny cement floor. I’ll be at a train station at midnight with no ticket. I might be writing a list on a notepad held in my palm. Or staring at the blank walls of the station or wherever I am, which is anywhere you can linger instead of sleep. During the day, my hands sometimes tremble with fatigue. I squint at sunlight, splash cold water on my face, review the notes I have written to myself reminding me what to do. I set the alarm on my ugly electronic watch, a watch I found in a public toilet at Paddington, in case I fall asleep by accident. I have children to look after, to sing to, play with. I regard them as one might the Queen’s largest jewels. They receive my best – my only – real efforts.
‘I’m just after some help,’ I tell Jacob. ‘I am worried all the time.’
‘I’m trying to help you,’ he says. He smiles and his teeth are like piano keys, his lips like a sweet fruit, tender and large. His children are grown now. That is all I know about him. ‘Tell me what troubles you,’ Jacob says. I am meant to pour myself into him as though he is an empty jug. This I cannot do.
At home I frantically organise clothes and toys, collect the sticks from ice lollies, the interesting wrappers from packets. Egg cartons turn into caterpillars; jam jars become pencil holders, decorated in collage or made garish in glass paint. Setting out the paints and crayons and shallow dishes of craft glue, I prepare for when Emily wakes, my little girl who loves animals and art. Daniel will not draw, will only break the crayons in half, rip the paper. I tell myself he is young yet. A voice inside me says, Wait and you’ll see! But the voice isn’t real and the boy won’t even scribble on paper. This is part of the trouble.
‘My son,’ I tell Jacob. He nods. I am meant to continue.
Every morning I take the children to the park, hanging on to them as though someone might snatch them from me, drug them and spirit them away from me for ever. This is a great fear of mine. One of my fears. The only reason I haven’t been to the doctor for Prozac is that I am convinced that the doctor would alert social services who might then come and take the children away. This is a completely ridiculous idea and I know it – but that’s why I’m at the shrink’s. Although I have to admit I’m not getting anywhere here.
I say now to my shrink, to Jacob, ‘Medicate me or I will fire you.’
‘What’s that mean?’ Jacob says. ‘Fire?’
I shake my head. I feel like a seed husk spent beside a loamy soil, like an emptied wineskin, drying in the sun. ‘It means I stop paying you,’ I sigh.
He smiles, nods. But he does not, at this point anyway, prescribe.
Emily has a mop of blonde curls billowing around her face, smiling eyes, aquamarine. Her baby teeth, spread wide in her mouth, remind me of a jack-o’-lantern, and when she laughs it is as though there are bubbles inside her, a sea of contentment. She carries Mickey Mouse by his neck, and wears a length of cord pinned to her trousers so that she, too, has a tail. Kneeling on a chair beside the dining table, she instructs me on the various ways one can paint Dumbo’s relatives, who wear decorated blankets which require much precision. Unlike most children, who only paint on paper, Emily enjoys painting three-dimensional objects and so, for this reason, we own nine grey rubber elephants, some with trunks up and some with trunks down, that she has decorated many times. She has yet to find an elephant she thinks is a suitable Dumbo, and so we just have the nine so far.
Daniel has one toy he likes and hundreds he ignores. The one toy he likes is a wooden Brio model of Thomas the Tank Engine. It has a face like a clock, framed in black, with a chimney that serves almost as a kind of hat. The train must go with him everywhere and must either be in his hand or in his mouth. Never in Emily’s hand and never washed in the sink, as I am now doing. No amount of reassurance from me, no promise that this will take only one minute, less than a minute, does anything to soothe Daniel, who pounds at my thighs with his small hands, screams like a monkey, opening his mouth so wide I can see down his throat.
‘Daniel, please don’t cry.’ I give him back the train but it is too late. He’s so upset now that he cannot stop. His eyes are screwed shut, his chin tucked as though trying to ward off a blow to the face. I am on my knees in front of him, putting my arms around his shoulders, but this causes him to wrench away, falling with a thud on to the carpet just as Stephen walks through the door from work.
‘I could hear him from the street,’ Stephen says. He’s holding his post in one hand, his mobile phone in the other. Standing at the door, his tie knotted crisply, his jacket folded over one arm, he looks as though he has entered the house from another world, one that is ordered and logical, one that is calm. He steps around Daniel and goes to the back door, waving to Emily who is making towers of blocks on our small patio. She runs to him and I hear the clap of her arms around his waist, her happy chatter as she tells him she made a tower as tall as herself. Stephen brings her over to where I am with Daniel, holding her on his hip.
‘Why is Daniel crying?’ Emily asks.
‘Because I washed his train.’ I try to smile, to make a funny face. ‘He’ll be OK,’ I tell her.
‘Daniel, SHHHHH!’ she says to him, but he pays no attention.
‘Do you think he’s allergic to something?’ Stephen asks.
‘I think …’ I don’t want to tell Stephen what I think. I only had that train for half a minute. It seems to me Daniel cries more and more with each passing day for all sorts of bizarre and inexplicable reasons. And I have no idea why.
‘What do you think?’ Stephen asks. His voice sounds sharp, but it might just be because he is trying to be heard over the noise.
‘That it isn’t normal.’
Stephen puts Emily down, telling her to get her Mickey Mouse. ‘I want a word with that mouse,’ he says mock seriously, which sends Emily into fits of giggles. Then he squats next to me on the floor, putting his arms out for Daniel, who ignores him. ‘It’s the terrible twos,’ he says in a manner that tells me this is not a suggestion but a declaration of fact.
‘He’s almost three.’
Stephen sighs. He is so used to my worries about Daniel that they must feel a burden to him now. I can tell this is the case, but I can’t make myself react any differently. He gets up and goes back to the post, sifting through envelopes. After a moment or two he says, ‘Young children cry. Isn’t that what you always tell me?’
But not like this. I spend every day with young children. I see them at toddler groups. I see them at playgrounds. None of them are like Daniel. ‘That’s not why,’ I say.
Stephen opens his mouth to say something, then smiles and shakes his head. It’s a gesture that is meant to be what exactly? Sarcastic?
‘I am not making this up, Stephen!’ I try to stroke Daniel’s back but he pulls away from me. ‘Daniel, honey.’ He will not let me touch him, hold him, and yet he is crying as though something awful is hurting him, as though a bee has just stung him or some other, acute and private pain has taken him over. I have to resist the urge to pull off all his clothes and look at every inch of his body to ensure that nothing is wrong – that there is no swelling or redness or bee sting, for that matter. The only thing that stops me is that I know I will find nothing. You see, I’ve done all this on other occasions, and I’ve never found a thing.
‘Just leave him,’ says Stephen. He studies a bill, turns it over, and I can tell from looking at him that he is tallying the numbers. ‘He’ll be fine,’ he says absently.
‘I can’t leave him. He’s not fine.’
Stephen rubs his hand over his mouth, draws a breath. ‘What is at Toys “ᴙ” Us that can possibly cost two hundred pounds?’ he says, holding up the bill.
‘Toys,’ I say. I look at Daniel. ‘This is all wrong.’
‘He’s crying. It’s what kids do – you always tell me that.’
But this is not what kids do. Daniel is pushing his head against my calf, and now dragging his forehead along the floor.
‘I think we should buy shares in Toys “ᴙ” Us,’ Stephen says, picking a new bill from the pile, slitting the envelope with his car key.
‘Stephen –’ I feel myself panicking a little. I know I ought to have some explanation and some sort of … what would you call it? … remedy for what is happening here, but I do not. Daniel seems to be using his head like a floor mop. What would other mothers do? They all seem so capable, so commanding; but it seems to me that all they ever argue about with their children is why the broccoli is left on the plate, or why the child can’t find his shoes. Nothing like this. Daniel is hysterical and I’m feeling not too far behind him. And now, to my horror, he is not only dragging his head across the floor but pushing it down into the carpet, as though trying to hurt himself on purpose, which only makes him cry more. ‘Stephen, look at this!’
But just then Emily appears at the bottom of the stairs, holding up her Mickey Mouse and smiling.
Stephen says, ‘Daniel has a headache, that’s all.’
But I notice he’s looking at Emily when he says this. It’s as though he cannot bring himself to see what I see. In front of me, Daniel is pushing his head into the corner of the room and pressing it there with every ounce of strength that he has.
2 (#u1a50b7e6-746b-5efd-8cb8-6f90f779f9ff)
If Stephen is away – on business, for example – I sleep with Emily on one side of me and Daniel on the other. Like this I can attend to the movements of either of them, can feel the heat of their skin, the stirrings of their dreams. It is the only time I can really sleep, huddled between them, kicked by them, occasionally woken by Daniel who cannot sleep through the night yet. I never complain about the broken night’s sleep. When I wake for those few minutes, the darkness seems a comfort. I feel my heart is a timepiece set in motion by my children’s breathing, and that the bed is our refuge, a place where nobody can touch us. As long as we stay here together, warm beneath the duvet, the darkness is velvet. Thomas the Tank Engine can stay clutched in Daniel’s hand. Dumbo’s family, in their gaudy circus blankets, can watch us from the nightstand.
Because I have been particularly high-strung of late – what Stephen calls unstable and, if I am honest with myself, what I also would call unstable – I slept last night with the children like so, one to my left and one to my right. It’s the only way I could recover after Daniel’s tantrum. I needed him close to me – quiet, peaceful, loving. I needed to feel connected to him. I don’t think Stephen understands this – I don’t think anyone understands – and so I’ve woken this morning feeling slightly ashamed of myself, as though my behaviour makes me feeble and pathetic. Stephen has spent the night in Emily’s bed, which is a proper single bed, quite comfortable, but not where he wants to be. Getting ready for work he is crabby, remote, gathering my attention now as I stretch into this new day, limp in one of his old rugby shirts, not quite able to face the morning.
‘I don’t have a babysitter for tonight, Stephen, I’m really sorry.’
‘Did you call a babysitter?’ he asks, dressing in front of me. He is crisp as a new banknote, his hair springs up from where he’s combed it wet from the shower. He pushes his leg through the elastic of his boxer shorts, gathers his suit trousers at the waist, loops the belt. Bowing his back like a sprinter at the starting block, he turns the laces of his shoes.
‘Of course I did. I called several.’ This isn’t true but I have no other excuse. He wants us to go to some sort of business dinner party thing tonight and there is no way – no way whatsoever – that I’m going with him. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. And I am sorry, too, but not because I don’t want to go out tonight. The truth is I feel self-conscious. I don’t want people to see how fretful I am, how troubled. I used to love to go out, but now it is as though I’ve lost all capacity to speak to other people at such things as dinner parties. They always seem so well adjusted and normal to me, making me feel even weirder. ‘I’m not myself lately,’ I tell Stephen.
Stephen sighs. ‘What I want to know is what this guy is doing for sixty-five pounds an hour.’
‘Who? Jacob? He listens. I talk to him,’ I say. ‘Don’t blame Jacob because I don’t want to go out tonight. It’s not his fault.’
‘See, I knew it. You don’t want to go.’
Oh damn, I’ve blown it. ‘I do,’ I say, trying to smile.
Stephen gives me a long look, then shakes his head. He works his fingers down his stiff, immaculate shirt, weaving the buttons through their holes. ‘You can talk to me for a lot less than sixty-five pounds an hour,’ he says.
‘I’m getting him to prescribe something. Maybe Valium. Maybe Prozac. I haven’t decided. They keep coming up with new drugs, it’s getting harder and harder to choose among them all.’ I try laughing, but it doesn’t work. I’m so exhausted it sounds like a grunt.
Stephen goes to the closet and extracts a tie, flipping the silk through his fingers until it forms a perfect knot. Then he goes down the short flight of stairs to where his coat hangs on the banister. I can hear him now, pushing his hands in and out of the pockets, disrupting his keys which give off tiny, musical notes as he tosses them in the satin lining of his coat. He comes back upstairs with a small brown vial.
‘I told a friend of mine at work what you’re like these days and he gave me these,’ he says, lobbing the vial on to the bedclothes. ‘Antidepressants or something. Now, are you coming out with me tonight or not?’
‘Not,’ I say, but I stash the pills in my nightstand.
The pills are long and thin and white. Just one sends my head into a fuzz and makes it so the radio song I heard five hours ago is still crystal clear across every thought, raining down into my ears. Like this I cannot play My Little Pony correctly because I cannot make up the stories Emily needs in order to use the ponies’ new kitchen and their new glittery tiaras. I keep saying, ‘They are making a pie to take to the party.’ And she keeps saying, ‘But then what?’
‘Then they make the pie?’
Emily’s big eyes turn to me, heavy under her furrowed little brow. ‘Mummmmy!’ she says impatiently.
‘OΚ, it’s not a pie. Give me a moment. It’s a … uh … it’s a cake?’
I wander off to look for Daniel, but discover I cannot find him. In my ears is a terrible girl band and I cannot make them shut up. Not only do I hear them singing, but I also see them dancing. It’s like a sound and light show inside my head. Poking my fingers into my ears makes no difference, nor does covering my eyes with my hands and spinning, which is exactly what Daniel does when he is distressed. I call for Daniel but, of course, he doesn’t answer. He never answers. I am hoping that he will reappear, drawn by my voice, but he does not. I look in my bedroom, in all the closets and cupboards. It feels as though the house has swallowed him. He is Houdini, disappearing before my eyes. Downstairs, I search behind chairs and curtains. With every second that passes my panic rises. I cannot find him. I am searching for open windows, for some part of his body lying on the floor, dead from choking or poison or a sudden, inexplicable collapse. My mind is a kaleidoscope of unspeakable images: small, still limbs; eyes like marble, like glass. He is dying, my baby, and I cannot find him no matter how fast I run through the house or how loud I yell his name.
‘Daniel! DANIEL!’ I still can’t find him, but now it’s Emily who has my attention. She wears an expression as though she’s been scolded, sticks out her lower lip, preparing for tears. I scoop her up, balance her on my hip and keep searching. After many minutes I find Daniel inside the shower, rolling his Thomas the Tank Engine along the ledge of the pan. His face does not register surprise when I fling open the shower door. Parking Emily on the sink ledge, I reach into the shower for Daniel. When I pick him up he does not look at me, but stretches toward the train, his hands clasping and unclasping.
‘You said you’d talk to me, so talk to me!’ I tell Stephen. I’ve sat both children in front of the television to watch Teletubbies, an inane programme that I am sure is not good for them, but Emily likes the way the custard machine flings pink glop, not to mention all those oversized French rabbits. Daniel, on my lap, sits with a fixed expression, staring at the television, often leaning forward so that his face is way too close to the screen. Emily, taking my advice to sit further back, occupies the armchair along with a dozen or more plastic ponies from her collection. Between episodes she sings the Teletubbies theme tune while her ponies dance in her hands.
‘I don’t understand the problem,’ says Stephen, speaking to me from his office. ‘You looked for him, you found him. He was in the shower but there was no water running, so no danger of drowning –’
Among my many fears is that our children will drown in the tiny, ornamental pond in our garden. Before I consented to move into this house I insisted workmen arrive and cover it with three layers of metal wire. They did as I asked, but kept sneaking glances at each other. When I made cups of tea for them they said, ‘This is just tea, right? Nothing in it?’ Similarly, I had the lid for the septic tank in our summer cottage buried under half a dozen paving stones. I was told by the septic tank emptying service that this was not folly on my part. It would take thirty seconds for a child to die in a septic tank, the lid opening easily with one finger. He, the man from the septic tank service, drank his tea without any questions at all.
‘Please,’ I beg Stephen. ‘Come home now. Turn off the computer, get up from your chair, put on your coat.’
My socks don’t match and there’s a split in my jeans, along the seam of the crotch. I haven’t washed my hair in two days and my eyeglasses are so gunged up that the world through them seems to have grown a skin. Meanwhile, Daniel needs a new nappy, but I’ll have to change it in here because if I take him away from Teletubbies now he may not get back into it, which will mean I have to chase him around the house to keep him from endlessly flushing the toilet, which he will only play with like a toy but will not consider sitting on. Then I will have to stop him climbing up the curtains, or stacking the books like a ladder so that he can reach the glass-encased clock on the fireplace mantel. He will not play with me, although every day I try. I get out books in bright colours, push matchbox-sized cars up and down garage ramps, hide from him then appear like a vaudeville clown, leaping before his eyes. He turns from me. His preoccupations are a barrier between us, a sheet of glass through which I cannot reach him.
‘I know how to come home,’ says Stephen.
‘What did you say?’ My head is a sound machine; the singing girls still won’t go away. Daniel is leaning forward, straining in my lap. If I allowed him, he’d have his nose against the screen. ‘I don’t like these pills you gave me,’ I tell Stephen. ‘I don’t like what’s going on here at all.’
* * *
I make him speak to me while he’s standing on the platform at Paddington, while sitting on the train. Even though I cannot hear him and the phone cuts out continually, requiring frantic redialling, I ask him, beg him, plead with him not to go away. As he walks down the road, turning the corner leading to our street, he must speak to me. Good things, I say, please tell me good things.
By the time he reaches our house he is fed up, his face vaguely disapproving as he enters the house. Emily, rushing to his arms, asks if something special is going to happen today. Is this a holiday? Is that why you are here in the daytime, Daddy? Daniel has given up on cartoons and is now staring at the pattern on the carpet, tracing it with his finger.
‘I’ll play ponies with you,’ says Stephen to his daughter. ‘But then I have a very important call.’
‘My ponies are having a nap,’ says Emily. Her eyes move to the sofa cushion where a whole cavalry of plastic ponies sleep beneath a dish towel. ‘And they have a very important call, too. So you will have to play with me.’
Stephen moves across the room to Daniel, who is quietly sitting on the carpet. ‘He seems fine to me,’ he says.
‘He disappeared,’ I say. I am cutting the crusts off a sandwich for Emily. Daniel won’t eat sandwiches. He will eat cookies and crackers and milk and cereal. But no meat and no fruit and no vegetables. I give him vitamins each day and I make cakes with carrots in them or with grated zucchini. ‘I called for him for ages but nothing happened. It was as though he didn’t hear me.’
‘Daniel, were you hiding?’ Stephen teases. Daniel looks up, meets his father’s gaze, but does not smile back at him. ‘He was playing a game, Melanie, why don’t you just calm down?’
‘A game?’ I say, and toss the knife into the sink so hard it makes a dent.
But Stephen isn’t worried about Daniel. He’s worried about Emily because she is four years old and not yet in school.
‘She’s going to be behind,’ he insists now.
‘Behind what?’
‘Behind the others.’
Everyone else we know sent their children to daycare, then to nursery as soon as they could get them out of nappies. But Emily shows no interest in school. When I walk her past the busy playgrounds, full of rushing children and squeals of laughter, the barking shouts of the footballers, the rhythmic chants of the girls with their jump ropes, she gives me a look as though to warn me off even the suggestion she be imprisoned in such a place. Rooms filled with primary colours, desks stocked with jars of coloured pencils, will not attract my daughter. Emily prefers instead to fax to her father’s office pictures she makes of Pingu, the penguin from the Swiss cartoon. She weighs bananas at Tesco’s, mashes bread for the ducks at Regent’s Park, visits pet shops where she names each and every animal, even the crickets, which are only there as food.
Stephen does not approve of this no-school business. The government has recently issued some kind of report indicating that children who go to pre-school perform better throughout their primary years. The day of the announcement, Stephen brought home the newspaper and flung it on to the kitchen table, which was being used as a Play-Doh factory, covering up all our good monsters with the Independent.
‘Hey, don’t wreck our stuff,’ I said.
‘Your stuff,’ he laughed.
‘Well, Emily’s stuff, I mean.’
‘Have a look at this,’ he said, pointing at the article.
The googly eyes came off one of the monsters and I stuck them back on. I glanced at the headline on the newspaper and nodded, then found another monster to adjust.
‘Read,’ Stephen said, and went upstairs to change.
Later, when Emily and Daniel were asleep, he told me he’d made appointments with three different schools and that we were going to visit these schools, ask the appropriate questions and get Emily’s name down on at least one of the registers.
‘She will perform better if we start now,’ he emphasised.
‘You make her sound like a trained seal,’ I said. ‘Anyway, what do school kids learn that make them “perform” better? Certainly they do not know how to use fax machines or make a chair out of papier mâché.’
That was one of our rainy-day projects, the chair. Emily and I made it out of a broken broom handle and chicken wire left over after that rather dangerous – I thought – pond in our garden was covered. We layered the chair with runny glue and newsprint, then painted it pink and yellow. It’s lopsided; it smells a little; it might be a health hazard. But I feel it indicates our daughter’s creative genius, so, even though it attracts a persistent insect I cannot find in my British flora and fauna book, it stays.
‘They learn to read and write,’ answered Stephen.
‘Not at four.’
‘They play with other children.’
‘Emily plays with other children.’
I didn’t tell him that the previous afternoon at the park she kicked a boy in the head because he was rushing her as she climbed the ladder for the slide. Apparently, she stood on his hand, too, which may or may not have been deliberate. The kicked child’s nanny was nowhere to be found and I had to carry him around the playground as he cried, searching for the nanny, which meant I left Daniel in the swing seat on his own. When I returned I found an older child swinging Daniel too hard, as he screamed hysterically. That would have been worth a pill or two, but I wasn’t taking them then.
Now Stephen holds my head in his hands, massaging my temples, squeezing together the lobes on either side of my skull, tracing my hairline with his fingernails.
‘Tell me what hurts you so much,’ he says to me.
‘Those fucking drugs you gave me,’ I say. ‘God, how does anyone in your office work on those?’
I can hear his laugh above me. ‘I’m sorry. That was stupid of me.’
‘I’m so worried,’ I say. ‘Worried about the children.’
‘You just need some help. More than that useless cleaner.’
‘Veena. She’s not useless. She’s my friend.’ Veena is a philosophy Ph.D. candidate. She is terrifically smart, and good company, but is in fact terrible at cleaning a house.
‘Well, the last time I saw her she scrubbed the skirting boards until you could eat off them but left the kitchen sink full of dishes.’
‘Yeah, well,’ I said. ‘Veena doesn’t like dust.’
To be honest, Veena is a little weird about dust. She runs a damp cloth along the tops of doors and the back of chests of drawers. She has a special duster she uses for radiators, one she made herself and which she says she should get a patent for. ‘Such a lot of terrible dust you have,’ she says. If she manages to get beyond polishing the picture frames, she might actually run a vacuum cleaner. ‘You are having need of tile floors and shutters, not all these thick carpets and flouncy fabrics gathering dust,’ she has told me. When I protested to her that in every Indian restaurant I’ve ever been to there are nothing but flouncy curtains with complicated pelmets, she made a face and told me London dust is very nasty stuff, plus nobody bothers to wash such things in this country.
‘Why not a nanny?’ asks Stephen now. He is using his most gentle voice, his most loving hands.
‘No. The only thing I like is being with my children.’
‘Then why are you so miserable?’ he sighs. ‘It’s ridiculous.’
But it is not ridiculous. I have read how animals react hysterically, sometimes even violently, in the event of imperfect offspring. One night, while watching television, I saw the awful spectacle of a wildebeest born with the tendons in its legs too short. The legs would not straighten and the newborn calf buckled under the clumsy disobedience of his faltering limbs. Five minutes was all it took for a cheetah to find its opportunity. The wildebeest cow circled her crippled calf, bucking and snorting and running her great head low at the lurking cheetah, who seemed almost to gloat at this unexpected opportunity of damaged young. She ran at the cheetah, but the cheetah only dodged and realigned itself closer to the struggling calf. The mother then tried distracting the cheetah, enticing it to chase her. Trotting gently before it, inches from its nose, the wildebeest offered in lieu of her offspring the sinewy meat of her own buckskin hock.
‘Turn it off,’ I told Stephen. He was sitting in his favourite chair, his feet resting on Emily’s playtable, his dinner on his lap.
‘What? Right now? Let’s just see what happens to the calf!’
I took the remote control and pressed the button as though it were a bullet to the cheetah’s heart. ‘I know what happens,’ I said.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/marti-leimbach/daniel-isn-t-talking/) на ЛитРес.
Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.