Little Vampire Women
Louisa May Alcott
Lynn Messina
The classic novel of love and family in the nineteenth century has grown some fangs! An uproarious retelling of Little Women that will leave readers craving the bloodthirsty drama on every page.Readers will be agog and aghast at the hilarity of the March sisters' vampire transformation - especially now that Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy have (much) longer lives and (much) more ravenous appetites.When a classic is perfect, there is only one thing that can make it better: folding in a breed of monsters! With vampires thrown in the mix, readers will love the darkly hilarious twist on the beloved story of the March girls.
LITTLE Vampire WOMEN LOUISA MAY ALCOTT AND LYNN MESSINA
HarperCollins Children’s Books
Table of Contents
Cover (#uecb1e2e0-243b-5e42-92bc-c65bb3e5dd24)
Title Page (#ud4d7f2fa-3d52-5a08-9740-01196b1f1a36)
PART ONE (#u52623693-f6d0-5def-a1ea-92b046be0cd5)
Chapter One - PLAYING PILGRIMS (#uc170c3ad-3ea1-5077-9fd7-b75c063a7b58)
Chapter Two - A MERRY CHRISTMAS (#u72d794b5-2b25-5f01-aa1e-bcf1bcb4c4ab)
Chapter Three - THE LAURENCE BOY (#u78239763-2043-573e-ab42-80d99bec1476)
Chapter Four - BURDENS (#ucd636cc5-188d-5a16-8e7c-bf3649f02b6f)
Chapter Five - BEING NEIGHBOURLY (#u65a32a75-8a11-5a3b-97a0-bc36d510419e)
Chapter Six - BETH FINDS THE PALACE BEAUTIFUL (#udbe5907b-d9e8-5e44-916f-91cac4e88c65)
Chapter Seven - JO MEETS APOLLYON (#u739ee3bd-4219-5fbd-98b8-81ce61c23637)
Chapter Eight - MEG GOES TO VANITY FAIR (#ucab1a912-af91-53a9-9c15-d12322fbc164)
Chapter Nine - CAMP LAURENCE (#uf220c3fd-cc31-56be-848d-9a58df89c3dd)
Chapter Ten - SECRETS (#ueb1add61-3b8a-5cd8-93bf-7aeeac94c374)
Chapter Eleven - A TELEGRAM (#u167da379-bc74-55cf-8136-5bb9f5112509)
Chapter Twelve - LETTERS (#u7766e1a0-6a13-5da3-a3de-22099ba0e547)
Chapter Thirteen - LITTLE FAITHFUL (#uf7047e37-1a86-5da8-95cf-22214bc9e26d)
Chapter Fourteen - DARK DAYS (#u0fab3547-f248-5be9-b511-d8a75eae682d)
Chapter Fifteen - CONFIDENTIAL (#u281826d4-ebc4-55d1-8e88-c66f91520302)
Chapter Sixteen - PLEASANT MEADOWS (#u43407c5d-be88-5793-bfc0-1f27338cc005)
Chapter Seventeen - AUNT MARCH SETTLES THE QUESTION (#u54e6fabf-637e-57f5-85eb-c32cf4f2ce9c)
PART TWO (#u59811992-cc4f-5720-b7f6-630a8c420c67)
Chapter Eighteen - GOSSIP (#ub0a34acb-5dc3-5d69-b766-720ef7a52182)
Chapter Nineteen - THE FIRST WEDDING (#ud62ecaf7-a7f9-5302-b6a6-fff12aa8675b)
Chapter Twenty - CALLS (#u40ff3c11-01a3-5967-8ac2-c0613e37e746)
Chapter Twenty-one - TENDER TROUBLES (#u1b43e73f-f627-5ac3-9ba0-027fa4190b04)
Chapter Twenty-two - JO’S JOURNAL (#u6d3f6202-e0bf-5625-bea2-210432528d72)
Chapter Twenty-three - FRIENDS (#u3fd751e1-6b6c-5cf1-a024-c5f10fbb0708)
Chapter Twenty-four - HEARTACHE (#u31d01e28-1332-5e50-a867-186d5ab31a7e)
Chapter Twenty-five - BETH’S SECRET (#u964b4867-30b2-5cf0-b3ee-13452d17dbf5)
Chapter Twenty-six - THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW (#ud7410538-678e-589c-a792-d5c56472c584)
Chapter Twenty-seven - ALL ALONE (#u13726e86-4e44-5de4-839a-0b9957bdcf4d)
Chapter Twenty-eight - SURPRISES (#ua2a3d715-2b64-50ee-bb3d-41205e9e01b1)
About the Author (#u042c8abe-f17d-5f6c-bf07-cfcaacc4f20d)
More Classic Mash-ups coming soon (#ub20a5351-60d4-5c85-9df2-6e1ea8d2a688)
Copyright (#uc126972d-e0a7-5d3a-b0d6-de08c0f783e7)
About the Publisher (#u978145c7-5c03-5c82-9c7b-b977a1b67534)
PART ONE (#ulink_4e41de4f-b42b-5ff6-8694-d68f3d66db57)
Chapter One (#ulink_c7423ecd-385e-5906-8fe4-70b0a41b98ea)
PLAYING PILGRIMS (#ulink_c7423ecd-385e-5906-8fe4-70b0a41b98ea)
“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any corpses,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.
“It’s so dreadful to be poor!” sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress.
“I don’t think it’s fair for some vampires to have plenty of pretty squirming things, and other vampires nothing at all,” added little Amy, with an injured sniff.
Being so poor, the Marches customarily dined on quarts of pig’s blood, goat’s blood, and, on very special occasions, cow’s blood, but they rarely had the luxury of a living, breathing animal to feast on, and when they did, it was usually a small creature hardly more than a snack. Most of their meals had to be warmed over the fire to be brought up to the proper temperature, which was particularly humiliating for the young girls. Gone were the days when they could sink their fangs into a wiggling beaver, let alone a writhing cow. A human had never been on the menu, even when the family was wealthy and lived in a large, well-appointed house, for the Marches were humanitarians who believed the consumption of humans unworthy of the modern vampire. Humans were an inferior species in many ways, but they deserved to be pitied, not consumed.
“We’ve got Father and Mother, and each other,” said Beth contentedly from her corner. She was the shy, domestically inclined sister.
“We haven’t got Father, and shall not have him for a long time,” Jo said sadly. She didn’t say “perhaps never”, but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was.
The war was the reason they were to be denied even a field mouse this Christmas. It was going to be a hard winter for all humans, and their mother thought they ought not spend money for pleasure, when so many were suffering in the army. That the suffering was limited to mortal men did not concern Mother, for her commitment to the human race was steadfast, despite the criticism of her neighbours, who found both the Marches’ beliefs and behaviour baffling. Typically, vampires didn’t concern themselves with the petty wars of humans. They had roamed the earth long before people and would continue to roam it long after they were gone.
“We can’t do much, but we can make our little sacrifices, and ought to do it gladly. But I am afraid I don’t,” and Meg shook her head, as she thought regretfully of all the pretty corpses she wouldn’t get to eat.
“But I don’t think the little we should spend would do any good. We’ve each got a dollar, and the army wouldn’t be much helped by our giving that. I agree not to expect any gifts from Mother or you, but I do want to buy Mr Bloody Wobblestone’s Scientifical Method for Tracking, Catching and Destroying Vampire Slayers.
(#ulink_bed668bf-81f8-58fc-ae5b-836471560cda) I’ve wanted it so long,” said Jo, who yearned to join the league of defenders, brave and gallant vampires who protected their fellow creatures from those humans who would destroy them by any means possible. In the last century, the noble profession had undergone a vast change, adopting modern techniques to battle an ancient threat. Relying on one’s instincts, which had always been an imperfect process at best and a guessing game at worst, had been supplanted by steadfast science. Now, instead of spending three months learning the antiquated art of filtering out the smothering scent of garlic, one simply could put on an allium mask,
(#ulink_ff3397cc-d9de-58a3-978b-f4a0a753d799) which accomplished the task for you.
“I planned to spend my dollar in new music,” said Beth, who loved to play music on the Marches’ very old, poorly tuned piano. Mrs March believed in a liberal education and strove to cultivate an interest in the arts in all her children.
“I shall get a nice box of Faber’s fang enhancements,” said Amy decidedly. Her fangs, though long, were blunt and did not come to an aristocratic point like her sisters’. No one minded the dullness save herself, but Amy felt deeply the want of a pair of killer-looking fangs.
“Mother didn’t say anything about our money, and she won’t wish us to give up everything. Let’s each buy what we want, and have a little fun; I’m sure we work hard enough to earn it,” cried Jo.
“I know I do—teaching those tiresome children nearly all night, when I’m longing to enjoy myself at home,” began Meg, in the complaining tone again.
“You don’t have half such a hard time as I do,” said Jo, who served as companion and protector to their 427-year-old aunt. “How would you like to be shut up for hours with a nervous, fussy old lady who’s convinced every tradesman who comes to the door is there to slay her?”
“It’s naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world. It makes me cross,” Beth said.
“I don’t believe any of you suffer as I do,” cried Amy, “for you don’t have to go to school with impertinent girls who plague you if you don’t know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn’t rich, and insult you when your fangs aren’t nice.”
“If you mean libel, I’d say so, and not talk about labels, as if Papa was a pickle bottle,” advised Jo, laughing.
As young readers like to know “how people look”, we will take this moment to give them a little sketch of the four sisters, who sat knitting away in the near dawn, while the December snow fell quietly without, and the fire crackled cheerfully within. It was a comfortable room, though the carpet was faded and the furniture very plain, for a good picture or two hung on the walls, books filled the recesses, chrysanthemums and Christmas roses bloomed in the windows, and a pleasant atmosphere of home peace pervaded it.
Margaret, the eldest of the four, looked to be about sixteen, and very pretty, being plump and fair, with large eyes, plenty of soft brown hair, a sweet mouth, and white hands, of which she was rather vain. A year younger, Jo was very tall, thin and brown, and reminded one of a colt, for she never seemed to know what to do with her long limbs, which were very much in her way. She had a decided mouth, a comical nose and sharp, grey eyes, which appeared to see everything and were by turns fierce, funny, or thoughtful. Her long, thick hair was her one beauty, but it was usually bundled into a net, to be out of her way. Round shoulders had Jo, big hands and feet, a flyaway look to her clothes, and the uncomfortable appearance of a girl who was rapidly shooting up into a woman and didn’t like it. (Although her transformation to vampire brought an abrupt end to the growth spurt, the awkwardness of her appearance remained a permanent fixture.) Elizabeth, or Beth, as everyone called her, appeared to be an ashen-faced, smooth-haired, bright-eyed girl of thirteen, with a shy manner, a timid voice and a peaceful expression which was seldom disturbed. Her father called her “Little Miss Tranquillity”, and the name suited her excellently, for she seemed to live in a happy world of her own, only venturing out to meet the few whom she trusted and loved. Amy, though the youngest, was a most important person, in her own opinion at least. A regular snow maiden, with blue eyes, and yellow hair curling on her shoulders, pale and slender, and always carrying herself like a young vampire lady mindful of her manners.
Each girl looked as if she’d been alive for scarcely more than a decade, especially Amy, whose pallid complexion could do little to mute her youthful energy, but they had all undergone the Great Change thirty-two years previously, which made them vampires of some experience. However, they were still considered adolescents, for vampires lived very long lives indeed and thirty-odd years was scarcely a fraction of it. Therefore, in all the ways that mattered, the March girls, although chronologically older than their mortal counterparts, were perched just as precariously on the edge of womanhood.
The clock struck six. Mother was coming, and everyone brightened to welcome her.
“I’ll tell you what we should do,” said Beth, “let’s each get Marmee something for Christmas, and not get anything for ourselves.”
“That’s like you, dear! What will we get?” exclaimed Jo.
Everyone thought soberly for a minute, then Meg announced, “I shall get her a rabbit to feed on.”
“A squirrel,” cried Jo.
“A bunny,” said Beth.
“I’ll get a little mouse. It won’t cost much, so I’ll have some left to buy my fang enhancements,” added Amy.
“How will we give the things?” asked Meg.
“Put them on the table, and bring her in and see her open the bundles. Don’t you remember how we used to do on our birthdays?” answered Jo.
Having decided how to present their gifts, the girls discussed where to buy them, for the only store on Main Street that sold small animals was a pet shop and they didn’t know how Mr Lewis would feel about providing tasty delicacies for their mother. Concord was an integrated town, where vampires could live peacefully in the open, but there were still moments when reminders of a vampire’s particular lifestyle could make the locals uncomfortable.
Though they were eager to buy presents, they had to stay indoors, for the sun was about to rise. Jo suggested they practise hunting vampire slayers, her favourite occupation, and the girls complied reluctantly, for they didn’t share Jo’s passion. Meg was the slayer and Jo tracked her to the attic closet, where her quarry had already chopped the heads off Beth’s poor, blameless doll. Beth protested the unfair abuse and attached a neat little cap to the poor invalid’s neck. As both arms and legs had been removed during a previous field exercise, she had to wrap the deformed doll in a blanket.
Her sisters laughed at the makeshift hospital ward she assembled.
“Glad to find you so merry, my girls,” said a cheery voice at the door, and the girls turned to welcome a tall, motherly lady with a “Can I help you” look about her, which was truly delightful. She was not elegantly dressed, but a noble-looking woman of forty biological years, and the girls thought the grey cloak and unfashionable bonnet covered the most splendid mother in the world.
“Well, dearies, how have you got on tonight? There was so much to do that I didn’t come home to dinner. Has anyone called, Beth? How is your cold, Meg? Jo, you look tired to death. Come and kiss me, baby.”
While making these maternal enquiries, Mrs March took off her artificial teeth to reveal her well-appointed fangs. Some vampire ladies in the community thought it was just the thing to walk around with their teeth hanging out, but Marmee thought naked fangs were an indecency on a par with naked ankles.
As they gathered about the table, Mrs March said, with a particularly happy face, her fangs gleaming white in the firelight, “I’ve got a treat for you.”
A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of moonshine. Beth clapped her hands, and Jo cried, “A letter! A letter! Three cheers for Father!”
“Yes, a nice long letter. He is well, and thinks he shall get through the cold season better than we feared. He sends all sorts of loving wishes for Christmas, and an especial message to you girls,” said Mrs March.
“I think it was so splendid of Father to go at all when the war has nothing to do with vampires,” said Meg warmly.
The War Between the States was over the moral issue of slavery, which was indeed of little interest to vampires. However, slave quarters were verdant feeding grounds for vampires south of the Mason-Dixon Line, for their inhabitants were often too tired from days of backbreaking, abusive labour to put up a fight, and the slaves who disappeared were often mistakenly assumed to have fled north with the help of abolitionists. Being an ethical vampire with implacable morals, Mr March felt he should do his part to help win the war his kind had unintentionally started by making it seem as though the North was interfering extensively in private Southern business.
“Don’t I wish I could go as a drummer, a vivan—what’s its name? Or a nurse, so I could be near him and help him,” exclaimed Jo, who would rather do anything than work for her awful aunt March.
“When will he come home, Marmee?” asked Beth, with a little quiver in her voice.
“Not for many months, dear. He will stay and do his work faithfully as long as he can, and we won’t ask for him back a minute sooner than he can be spared. Now come and hear the letter.”
They all drew to the fire, Mother in the big chair with Beth at her feet, Meg and Amy perched on either arm of the chair, and Jo leaning on the back, where no one would see any sign of emotion if the letter should happen to be touching.
Very few human letters were written in those hard times that were not touching, especially those which fathers sent home, and this vampire letter was no different. In it little was said of the hardships endured, the dangers faced, or the homesickness conquered. It was a cheerful, hopeful letter, full of the comical lengths Mr March often had to go to in order to avoid sunshine. He’d joined the army as a chaplain and tried very hard to stay inside his tent during daylight hours, but this was not always practical, as war followed no schedule. Only at the end did the writer’s heart overflow with fatherly love and longing for the little vampire girls at home.
“Give them all of my dear love and a kiss. Tell them I think of them by night, pray for them by day, and find my best comfort in their affection at all times. A year seems very long to wait before I see them, but remind them that while we wait we may all work, so that these hard days need not be wasted. I know they will remember all I said to them, that they will be loving children to you, will do their duty faithfully and fight their bosom enemy bravely,” he said, referring to the demon beast that lived inside them all. It was a daily challenge to overcome their vampire natures, but Mr March knew his girls could do it and from afar he urged them to “conquer themselves so beautifully that when I come back to them I may be fonder and prouder than ever of my little vampire women”. Everybody sniffed when they came to that part. Jo wasn’t ashamed of the great bloody tear
(#ulink_5ddf5492-0ed9-5f6c-8098-b1e761a184a6) that dropped off the end of her nose and landed in a bright red splatter on her otherwise pristine dress, and Amy never minded the rumpling of her curls as she hid her face on her mother’s shoulder and sobbed out, “I am a selfish girl! But I’ll truly try to be better, so he mayn’t be disappointed in me by-and-by.”
“We all will,” cried Meg. “I think too much of drinking cow and deer blood and wearing beautiful silk gloves, but I won’t any more, if I can help it.”
“I’ll try and be what he loves to call me, ‘a little vampire woman’, and not be rough and wild, but do my duty here instead of wanting to be somewhere else,” said Jo, thinking that keeping her temper at home was a much harder task than facing a rebel or two down South.
Beth said nothing, but wiped away tears with the blue army sock and began to knit with all her might, losing no time in doing the duty that lay nearest her, while she resolved in her quiet little soul to be all that Father hoped to find her when the year brought round the happy coming home.
Mrs March broke the silence that followed Jo’s words, by saying in her cheery voice, “Do you remember how you used to play Vilgrim’s Progress
(#ulink_f52aca12-0104-5c6d-b293-68b315951c0b) when you were young things? Nothing delighted you more than to have me tie my piece bags on your backs for burdens, give you hats and sticks and rolls of paper, and let you travel through the house from the cellar, which was the City of Destruction, up, up, to the housetop, where you had all the lovely things you could collect to make a Celestial City.”
“What fun it was, especially going by the lions, fighting Apollyon, and passing through the valley where the hobgoblins were,” said Jo, for all the challenges that poor Vilgrim, the vampire pilgrim, had to overcome in his quest for heaven greatly resembled a course for the training of vampire defenders.
“I liked the place where the bundles fell off and tumbled downstairs,” said Meg.
“I don’t remember much about it, except that I was afraid of the sunlight that poured into the attic. If I wasn’t too old for such things, I’d rather like to play it over again,” said Amy, who really was too old for childish games despite her persistently youthful appearance.
“We never are too old for this, my dear, because it is a play we are playing all the time in one way or another. Our burdens are here, our road is before us, and the longing for goodness is the guide that leads us through many troubles, mistakes and uncontrollable feeding frenzies to inner peace, which is the true Celestial City. Now, my little vilgrims, suppose you begin again, not in play, but in earnest, and see how far on you can get before Father comes home,” Marmee suggested, concerned now, as always, with the preservation of her daughters’ souls, for it had not been that many years past since vampires were thought to have no soul at all. For centuries, they were considered minions of the devil and were forced to hide in shadow, fearful that any seemingly harmless gathering of people would quickly become an angry, stake-bearing mob. But thanks to the Camp Moldoveneascâ Accords
(#ulink_c38f402f-b954-5442-8120-1281bbc14565) that was all in the past.
“Really, Mother? Where are our bundles?” asked Amy, who was a very literal vampire.
“Each of you told what your burden was just now, except Beth. I rather think she hasn’t got any,” said her mother.
“Yes, I have. Mine is dishes and dusters, and envying vampires with nice pianos, and being afraid of people.”
Beth’s bundle was such a funny one that everybody wanted to laugh, but nobody did, for it would have hurt her feelings very much.
“Let us do it,” said Meg thoughtfully. “It is only another name for trying to be good, and the story may help us, for though we don’t want to feed on humans, it’s hard work resisting our basic demon natures.”
They talked over the new plan while old Hannah cleared the table, then out came the four little work baskets, and the needles flew as the girls made blackout curtains for Aunt March, who didn’t trust the store-bought article to keep out the light. At nine, they stopped work and went to their coffins.
(#ulink_f7f745ef-133a-545c-83bc-e572588b8596) Bestselling how-to that introduced the so-called scientifical method of slayer hunting, by Clifford Farmer (b. 1685).
(#ulink_f7f745ef-133a-545c-83bc-e572588b8596) Invented by Willis Whipetten (1750-1954) for his son, John, who suffered from dysgeusia garlisima, a chemosensory disorder that makes everything smell like garlic.
(#ulink_49953b35-8dfa-5b2d-92bd-49f9e48f4957) Paulson Dillywither (1834-1897) argues convincingly in Vampire Habits and Customs: The Beastly True Nature of Nature’s True Beast that lacrimal haemoglobin emissions, also known as blood tears, are caused by an infiltration of blood into the nasolacrimal duct.
(#ulink_d1de0bb3-a9eb-5ea9-ad4c-deded25bb028) Seminal text that first suggested vampires were children of God and therefore worthy of entrance into heaven; by William Swinton (1321-1569). Swinton cited the gift of immortality as proof of God’s preference for vampires over their mortal counterparts and even hinted that humanity itself might be damned. John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress is largely thought to be an almost verbatim rip-off of the book, although defenders have argued it is a pastiche.
(#ulink_834e3549-af49-5778-9ea0-3fe3cd1bc6b7) The international meeting held in 1767 that officially established vampires as naturalised citizens of heaven and granted them full inalienable rights. Out of the Accords came the groundbreaking Swift Nourishment Act, which reclassified the vampiric method of attaining sustenance as commerce, thereby making the consumption of humans who fell below the poverty level a safe and legal option for hungry vampires, as long as said vampires met the asking price and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Named after Jonathan Swift, who first proposed the arrangement in his famous 1729 essay “A Modest Proposal”, in which he recommended that Ireland’s poor solve their economic woes by selling their children for food.
Chapter Two (#ulink_2bb43811-bb75-5e05-8bfc-dbf54148f432)
A MERRY CHRISTMAS (#ulink_2bb43811-bb75-5e05-8bfc-dbf54148f432)
Jo was the first to wake in the grey twilight of Christmas night. No little creatures hung at the fireplace squirming, and for a moment she felt disappointed. Then she remembered her promise to her mother and resolved not to mind a corpse-free holiday.
“Where is Mother?” asked Meg, as she and Jo ran down a half an hour later.
“Goodness only knows,” replied Hannah, who had lived with the family since the girls were sired, and was considered by them all more as a friend than a servant.
“She will be back soon, I’m sure, warm the blood and have everything ready,” said Meg.
Meg counted the gift bundles in the basket under the sofa and noticed Amy’s was missing. A moment later, the youngest March came into the house and looked rather abashed when she saw her sisters all waiting for her.
“Where have you been, and what are you hiding behind you?” asked Meg, surprised to see, by her hood and cloak, that lazy Amy had been out so early.
“Don’t laugh at me, Jo! I didn’t mean anyone should know till the time came. I only meant to change the little mouse for a big rat, and I gave all my money to get it, even though I had to break into the shop, for the store was closed on account of the holiday, and I’m truly trying not to be selfish any more.”
As she spoke, Amy showed the plump rat which replaced the slight mouse, and looked so earnest and humble in her little effort to forget herself that Meg hugged her on the spot, and Jo pronounced her “a trump”, while Beth ran to the window, and picked her finest rose to ornament the stately vermin.
“You see I felt ashamed of my present, so I ran to the shop and changed it the minute I was up, and I’m so glad, for mine is the most delicious one now.”
Another bang of the street door announced the arrival of their mother.
“Merry Christmas, Marmee! Many of them!” they all cried in chorus.
“Merry Christmas, little daughters! I’m sorry I’m late,” she said. “But not far away from here lies a poor woman with a newborn baby. Six children are huddled into one bed to keep from freezing, for they have no fire. There is nothing to eat over there, and the oldest boy came to tell me they were suffering hunger and cold. Being a vampire means I have to work doubly hard to be good, so I immediately went to them to offer my services.”
The girls were all unusually hungry, having waited nearly an hour, and their breakfast was more tempting than they imagined. Rather than the usual helping of pig’s blood, Hannah, in defiance of Mrs March’s orders, had served up a lovely little feast of dainty creatures. There were sparrows and chipmunks and a bashful opossum. The girls’ fangs throbbed in expectation, for it had been such a long time since any of them had sunk her teeth into a recently pulsing vein.
For a minute no one spoke, only a minute, for Jo exclaimed impetuously, “I’m so glad you came before we began!”
“Yes,” said Meg. “Let’s give them our breakfast as a Christmas present.”
“May I go and help carry the things to the poor little children?” asked Beth eagerly.
“I shall take the sparrows,” added Amy, heroically giving up the article she most liked.
Meg was already covering the chipmunks and piling a vole into one big plate.
When all the food was packed up, the March family proceeded enthusiastically to the door. Jo opened it and said, “But the Hummels are human.”
“We know that,” said Amy impatiently.
“Shouldn’t we bring human food?” Jo said.
Marmee and the girls agreed that human food would probably be more appropriate.
“Let’s bring cream and muffins,” said Amy, listing two foods she’d loved dearly when she’d had mortal taste buds.
“And buckwheat and bread,” added Meg.
Having decided what to bring, they were stymied as to how to accomplish the task. Hannah hadn’t made muffins in more than two centuries and in the interim had forgotten the recipe. Even if she could recall the specific ingredients, it was Christmas night, so all of the shops were closed. They had nowhere to purchase provisions. For ten minutes, the girls stood in the doorway wrestling with the problem. Then Beth suggested that they bring the animals to the Hummels’ house and advise Mrs Hummel to make some sort of stew, which she should know how to do, being a poor human and all.
Marmee thought it was an excellent plan and the procession set out for the Hummel abode. A poor, bare, miserable room it was, with broken windows, no fire, ragged bedclothes, a sick mother, wailing baby and a group of pale, hungry children cuddled under one old quilt, trying to keep warm.
How the big eyes stared and the blue lips smiled as the girls went in.
“Ach, mein Gott! It is good angels come to us!” said the poor woman, crying for joy, even as she examined the offerings with a curious eye. She did not recognise the vole but accepted it gratefully, as well as the suggestion that she throw it, along with the other animals, in a pot with some water and salt.
“Funny angels with fangs,” said Jo, wearing a heavy winter coat despite the fact that vampires couldn’t feel cold. The Marches believed in fitting in as much as possible with the community and always wore season-appropriate attire.
When they returned home, they put the bundled gifts on the table and presented them to Marmee. Beth played her gayest march while Meg conducted Mother to the seat of honour. Mrs March was both surprised and touched, and smiled with her eyes full as she examined her presents and read the little notes which accompanied them. The bunny bun-bun was sucked dry immediately, followed swiftly by the squirrel and the rabbit. Prior to eating the rat, she paused a moment to smell it deeply before pronouncing it delightful. Bright red blood trickled down her chin.
There was a good deal of laughing and kissing and explaining, in the simple, loving fashion which makes these home festivals so pleasant at the time, so sweet to remember long afterwards. Jo looked down at her mother’s feet and saw the remains of their gifts scattered like dead things.
Oh, how lovely to have Christmas corpses after all!
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