The Positive Woman
Gael Lindenfield
The ebook edition of Lindenfield’s classic offers practical advice and positive strategies for creating changes in every area of your life.In ‘The Positive Woman’, Gael Lindenfield shows women how it is possible to transform their lives with a new and positive approach, which can affect everything from the state of their wardrobes to the state of their relationships.Using simple, user-friendly exercises, alongside anecdotes, personal observations and inspirational quotations, Gael Lindenfield guides her readers to discover their own positive power and hidden strength.
The Positive Woman
Gael Lindenfield
Dedication (#ulink_a7d9d341-5b9b-5596-92a8-ae006dbf7b08)
With much love and admiration, I dedicate this book to
my daughter Susie who this year takes her first steps
into the world as a positive woman.
Contents
Cover (#u01c88fd3-e7f6-542f-b253-2ae6cb791fde)
Title Page (#u0833c773-120f-581a-862a-c50a453e0be8)
Dedication (#u6cf8cc04-4d6a-5cf7-9d76-6135ae433f0a)
List of Exercises (#u6ff5107a-ebcc-581a-a0ec-24556313a767)
Introduction (#u71c410af-aea4-59d8-80d5-b6816f22df6b)
Part 1: Laying the foundations (#u4c4749cd-9b4a-5772-8aba-866a3d7e50f4)
Chapter 1: Basic philosophy (#uc6a00a3f-af7d-53a1-b94c-78346695be3e)
Chapter 2: Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge (#ub88d538f-107b-5e57-999e-45b36937f5d7)
Chapter 3: Healing the hurt (#u96455d1b-8441-591c-ab2b-f324df39570f)
Chapter 4: Kicking the negative thinking habit (#u6f26a823-15e9-5b4a-b339-ddd418cbc00e)
Chapter 5: Kicking negative habits of feeling (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 6: Kicking negative habits of behaviour (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 2: Getting equipped (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 7: Improving your physical well-being (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 8: Improving your self-presentation (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 9: Developing your skills and knowledge (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 3: Getting into action (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 10: Revitalizing personal relationships (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 11: Give your lifestyle a management boost (#litres_trial_promo)
Part 4: Practical support (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 12: Positive action strategy (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 13: Relaxation, meditation and creative visualization (#litres_trial_promo)
Chapter 14: Asserting yourself (#litres_trial_promo)
Further reading (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
Index (#litres_trial_promo)
Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
List of Exercises (#ulink_4fac1083-0a6f-5db0-8910-728352fabca8)
Who am I? (#ue1fea300-e41b-462c-bbac-310a3daf51cd)
How negative am I? (#u3206dd20-434a-49cf-9fe1-0d98f0130b19)
The emotional story of my life (#ub121c7c0-9afb-4d61-b77b-edf2dca9ccfd)
‘Unfinished business’ (#ue7edbb78-3424-49fd-89fd-439f90eb8cae)
Self-nuturing (#ua419f5a6-885a-4096-addc-3d862c396350)
The GEE strategy (#u0f5455f4-bc77-4d3b-80b9-98a961f213ba)
Face the FACTS (#u537d0536-e89b-4fb7-b60f-ee6c4a115efb)
Mind Map note-taking (#litres_trial_promo)
Brainstorming (#litres_trial_promo)
Mandala meditation (#litres_trial_promo)
Interpreting your dreams (#litres_trial_promo)
The irrational culture (#litres_trial_promo)
Positive experiences (#litres_trial_promo)
Credo of beliefs (#litres_trial_promo)
My fear (#litres_trial_promo)
My losses (#litres_trial_promo)
Beating jealousy (#litres_trial_promo)
My anger (#litres_trial_promo)
Taking the initiative (#litres_trial_promo)
Contingency planning (#litres_trial_promo)
Refusing the bait (#litres_trial_promo)
Assertive communication (#litres_trial_promo)
Beating addiction (#litres_trial_promo)
My style (#litres_trial_promo)
My education (#litres_trial_promo)
Subconscious influences on my relationship (#litres_trial_promo)
Nourishing love (#litres_trial_promo)
Surviving separation (#litres_trial_promo)
Negative aspects of my friendships (#litres_trial_promo)
Time wasting (#litres_trial_promo)
Home management (#litres_trial_promo)
My work objectives and patterns (#litres_trial_promo)
My present job (#litres_trial_promo)
Am I a potential entrepreneur? (#litres_trial_promo)
My leisure (#litres_trial_promo)
Introduction (#ulink_980c6037-6d22-565c-852b-0df8f98ae6d7)
No, I don’t think I could write a book on positive thinking.
Gael Lindenfield, 1988
But here it is – and so yet another nail goes into the coffin of my negative demon! But I’m glad that I can still recall, and own, this initial response to a suggestion from my publisher. There are two reasons for this: firstly, it reminds me of the tremendous power which negative conditioning can exert on our minds; and secondly, it illustrates how important it is to have positive strategies with which consciously to fight such a destructive force!
As a therapist, I am probably more aware than most people of how negative thoughts, feelings and behaviour can seriously limit and damage our chances of both health and happiness. I have seen with my own eyes plenty of evidence to back up the research which is now proving the power of the mind’s influence over the body, and I note that many people from other professions are also acknowledging this. For example:
• Even the most medically or surgically orientated doctors are listening to evidence which suggests that positive thinking bolsters the immune system and encourages the body’s self-healing capacities.
• Cynical and sceptical die-hards of the business world are becoming convinced that a positively orientated work force thinks more creatively and has more energy than one which is depressed and fearful.
• Teachers are realizing that pupils learn more effectively when there is an emphasis on positive stimulation rather than destructive punishment.
• Coaches are fostering optimism and hope in their athletes, knowing that they can run faster, jump higher and shoot goals more accurately if they believe they can win.
So why should I initially have made such a negative response to my publisher’s suggestion? The reasons were, I believe, both cultural and personal. The personal causes lie deep in my own personality structure. I emerged from childhood with major doubts about my own self-worth and the ability of the world to offer me any happiness or success. These doubts continued to be strengthened as I proceeded to disappoint myself with impossible challenges and cynical friends throughout my early adult years. Fortunately, one day as I reached the very depths of despair, I became aware that I had the choice of life or death, and that if I was to take the responsibility for living seriously I would have to take control of my personality. With not inconsiderable help, I taught myself to recognize my negative reactions, control them and replace them with a more ‘healthy’ positive approach.
The cultural reasons for my hesitance were mainly to do with my gender as a woman. At that time, the subject of positive thinking was most closely identified with the kind of success that is measured chiefly by bank balances. Its famous gurus were men preaching to ambitious work-orientated men; whereas I, being a typical female from the caring professions, had spent a career helping ‘the underdogs’ (mainly women) cope with much more mundane everyday personal problems with partners, parents, children, colleagues and friends. Now, just a few years later, men and women are moving much more freely between each others’ traditional worlds. Many of my clients are now men – and I even run personal development courses in that hitherto ‘alien’ world of big business!
As a result of this cross-fertilization of ideas and experiences I am very aware that there are vast numbers of both men and women who are in need of strategies to keep them feeling and acting positively. In this day and age of multi-national commercial and governmental organizations, with the break-up of traditional family patterns and bitter philosophical, political and religious debate, who doesn’t at times feel powerless and defeatist?
So why is this book addressed specifically to women?
Firstly, I think that women have a special need for positive strategies. For several decades we have been riding on the difficult but generally optimistic waves of the liberation and feminism movements. We now seem to be entering a new era. There is evidence of a backlash to our protests and progress. We can observe a current trend of looking back nostalgically at old values and wondering whether women ‘have gone too far’. There is, for example, a revival of media and government interest in old-style family patterns, a cry for women to solve the unemployment problem by returning home to care for their ‘neglected’ children and elderly parents, disgust at American female soldiers who go to war with pictures of their babies on their hats, renewed interest in the anti-abortion and anti-contraception campaigns, and outspoken opposition towards women’s ordination. We also hear that more women are resorting to drugs, prescribed or otherwise, becoming criminal, violent, suffering from heart attacks, becoming addicted to nicotine and alcohol, and risking unwanted pregnancy and Aids.
At the same time, in spite of the rise of ‘New Man’ images and ideas in the 1980s, we see many men and boys girding up their macho loins. Jokes about ‘Women’s Lib’ are commonplace, while there is an increased interest in combat games and dress amongst boys, and open cynical questioning about how the ‘New Man’ is supposed to cope with his feelings in the face of enemy gunfire.
These kinds of trends in the current times of severe economic and political stress mean that women’s newly established rights and liberties may be in serious danger, so I believe that because of this situation and our long history of putting others before ourselves, we need the help and support that positive thinking and action strategies can give us. Learning how to empower ourselves by making the most effective use of our personal potential is vitally important if we wish to continue to assert our rights and find ways of capitalizing on the more optimistic social trends. We can take heart from noticing, for example, that green and peace issues are being routinely debated in the political world, and that there is a noticeable move towards a more caring, facilitative and participative management style in many major organizations. It is to our advantage that these trends are in line with feminine values and skills.
The second reason for addressing this book to women is that I am one myself! Accordingly, I have often had firsthand experience of learning to cope with the kind of internal and external problems which are discussed in this book. Because of conditioning, men and women do see themselves and the world differently; our interest and concerns may often be the same, but we may have differing priorities and even use different language to discuss them. You may notice, for example, that this book gives more attention to feelings and personal life than do most of the positive thinking books written by men.
Paradoxically, it was my work with men which made me ‘super-conscious’ of these differences. Several years ago, I found that, in order to be able to help men more effectively in my work, I had to school myself in the culture of masculinity. I did so for several years by taking an advanced academic course, and doing many research projects which involved talking to men about masculinity. But I know that this extra understanding and knowledge will never be completely adequate, and there always comes a point in my work with men when we become aware of their need to talk and work with other men. So, in turn, as a woman, I hope to be able to help other women more effectively.
How to read and use this book
I have designed this book as a self-help course which can either be used by individuals working on their own or as a basis for group work.
It aims to do the following:
– provide an easy-to-digest explanation of the relevant theory and philosophy of positive thinking approaches
– present exercises, checklists and guidelines to help you identify your problem areas and find ways to make your thinking, feeling and behaviour more positive
– support you in your self-help programme.
I have liberally scattered the text with encouraging and enlightening quotes from a wide range of people, some of whom are ‘experts’ and others who are merely sharing the wisdom of their personal experience.
I was keen to use as many quotes from women as I could, but unfortunately these are hard to come by, not necessarily because they are less relevant or witty, but simply because they have not been recorded in the same numbers as those by men. Knowing this reality, I started to make my own list and collected a considerable number from listening to women on the television and radio during the year before writing this book, but unfortunately my own recordings are probably now disintegrating at the bottom of a Spanish river where the car-thief who stole my notes most likely threw them!
To turn to the structure of the book itself:
• Part 1: Laying the foundations deals with ways in which you can provide yourself with a firm positive base by:
– expanding your self-knowledge and becoming more self-aware
– challenging and changing your negative thinking, feeling and behavioural habits.
• Part 2: Getting equipped looks at practical ways to prepare yourself for action by:
– improving your physical well-being
– finding an appropriate image
– acquiring additional helpful skills and know-ledge.
• Part 3: Getting into action gives guidelines and exercises to help you put the theory and the ‘new you’ into practice through:
– re-vitalizing your personal relationships
– changing your lifestyle with better management.
• Part 4: Practical support introduces a number of additional ways to help and support you in your programme for change, including:
– positive action strategy
– relaxation, meditation and visualization exercises
– the use of affirmations and scripting
– a reading list for further help and advice.
How long it will take you to complete the book and the course will depend firstly on your motivation, secondly on the extent of your difficulty, and thirdly on the time you can make available to do the personal development work. I would suggest that even the keenest of the keen would be pushing themselves if they expected to see big changes in less than eight weeks. Many people using my other books report that they have taken a quick read of the text for initial encouragement and a basic understanding of the method and have then returned to the books again to work through them at a slower pace so that they could digest them more thoroughly and complete the exercises.
Although, in my experience, most people find this kind of personal development work engrossing and rewarding even in its early stages, there will be times when you will be tempted to give up on yourself. This is why it is important to go at the pace which suits you – too fast and you will exhaust yourself and too slow you will lose momentum. The beauty of using these self-help methods is that you are in control and there is not the competitive element found in many courses. Who is to know, or care, whether you are working through the programme as fast and furiously as Jane in Auckland, Paula in Toronto or Gillian in Birmingham? You are the chief trainer and therapist. You must set the goals, plan the action, assess the progress and arrange the rewards. This book is designed to stimulate and enrich your potential to help yourself by providing you with inspirational examples, enlightening theory and hundreds of down-to-earth, practical ideas. Use it to empower and encourage yourself to overcome and control the negative demon within you!
Part 1Laying the foundations (#ulink_195ee975-be93-5ba0-92b1-ba993963a0e3)
Chapter 1Basic philosophy (#ulink_a7c8c1e1-f4ac-54e1-b7f6-b2f5f3244ea3)
What is it all about?
We all know women who think and act positively even when the cards seem well and truly stacked against them. The individual personalities of these women will vary enormously – some will be quietly spoken and others will be the life and soul of every occasion – but I believe that they, and others who habitually think, feel and act positively, are likely to share the following basic characteristics.
Hallmarks of positive thinkers
Progressive
Optimistic
Sensible
Independent
Trusting
Industrious
Versatile
Encouraging
• Progressive – because they themselves are continually growing and developing and they are interested in helping others to do the same. They are not afraid of the future; indeed, they look forward to it with enthusiasm and interest. They are not always looking back over their shoulders at ‘the good old days’, even though they may appreciate and be able to learn from their own and their culture’s history.
• Optimistic – because they approach problems and situations believing that a good outcome may be possible. They do not easily give up hope, so they are able to persevere through difficult times and setbacks. They believe that taking an encouraging view of the situation can often bring about a favourable outcome.
• Sensible – because they carefully assess situations and prepare themselves well for possible setbacks and disasters. They know the advantages of sound organization and management strategies and do not just allow luck or fate to guide them along. They are careful to ensure that their goals, although challenging, are realistic, so they are not continually setting themselves up for failure.
• Independent – because they are at ease with themselves, they enjoy their own company and are not continually dependent on others to make them feel happy or secure. They are able to have satisfying long-term intimate relationships because they can control their dependency needs and can allow other people to have their individuality. They can motivate and organize themselves and are capable of being self-supporting. They are not afraid to swim against the tide and take innovatory steps forward or make difficult decisions.
• Trusting – because they have a high degree of self-knowledge and sound values, they are able to trust themselves. They do not feel continually disappointed or surprised by their own feelings and actions and are therefore able to make full use of their spontaneity and intuition. They enjoy meeting new faces and are able to put their trust in others because, unless there is proof to the contrary, they believe that most people are good and have enormous potential. This means that they are both willing to lead and be led.
• Industrious – because they have belief in themselves and their potential and are optimistic about outcomes, they are well motivated and can work with enthusiasm and energy. They try to ensure that their work is meaningful and rewarding so that they tend to enjoy rather than resent it. As they are keen to be working in peak form most of the time, they ensure that they look after themselves both physically and mentally. They are keen to stretch the limits of their potential so they make certain that they use all the educational and training opportunities available to them.
• Versatile – because they are confident of their own ‘core identity’, they are able to move easily in and out of many different roles and make full use of the various sides of their personality. They are able to be logical and rational but also very creative and resourceful. They do not easily get stuck in ruts or become obsessional or phobic, but are open to new ideas and a whole range of different experiences and viewpoints.
• Encouraging – because they do not feel threatened by others’ success, they are willing and able to enthuse and lead. Without standing on a pedestal, they are willing and able to share the secrets of both their personal and public achievements and therefore can be an inspiration and guide to others. People feel safe to take risks and make mistakes in their presence because they do not demand perfection and are open about their own limitations. They want to take active steps to make the world a fairer, safer and happier place for everyone and, because they look after themselves well, they have the energy to care for others and engage in reforming or revolutionary projects.
I am convinced that the above are not mere figments of my idealistic imagination! They are traits which I have observed in numerous people who are leading happy, satisfying and socially useful lives. Some of the most famous examples are quoted throughout this book, but there are many others who live quietly but contentedly and productively out of the limelight.
I also see many people striving to achieve these qualities but often finding themselves frustratingly blocked, in spite of their supreme effort and motivation. Some of the resistance comes from outside forces, but often it is internal. Many people are becoming increasingly aware that their own negativity is blocking their potential to be the kind of person they want to be.
Negative thinking
The sad fact is that very many people find themselves:
– afraid to take risks, so they stay in the same boring, unrewarding job or damaging relationship
– unable to take responsibility and assert themselves so that their children, colleagues or boss walk all over them
– giving up on their appearance and health by letting their body ‘go’; perhaps becoming overweight, drinking too much, wearing themselves out, not bothering to ‘dress up’ or face the hairdresser’s
– becoming increasingly isolated and lonely, as their friendships deteriorate and no new ones are formed
– getting more rigid and obsessional in their thinking and losing touch with their creativity so they are passed over for promotion
– not bothering to vote, so they get the government they don’t trust
– too busy, too worn out or too despairing to give time to ‘good causes’ so they begin to project their guilt outwards with ‘aren’t they awful’ and ‘isn’t it terrible’ ineffectual moans.
No-one can say exactly how many women are suffering in this way but, judging from my post bag and other contacts, the numbers in Britain alone must be in the millions. Some people, of course, only get the ‘black phases’ occasionally and can cope by just waiting until ‘it passes’, but many others find that their negativity gradually creeps up on them until it is in danger of dominating their general thinking and lifestyle. My guess is that therapists like myself only ever see the tip of the iceberg, because most women in this state, even if they were well informed, would feel too ashamed, lethargic, despairing, cynical or powerless to believe that there was a way out of their negativity.
The root causes of negative thinking
I do not believe that some people enter this world as ‘born pessimists’ or ‘born losers’. I know that social and economic factors do give some of us a fairer start than others, and I also acknowledge that many of our general personality traits, such as our inclination towards extrovert or introvert styles of behaviour, are probably governed by our genetic inheritance. But I remain convinced that our basic attitudes towards ourselves and the world do affect the kind of life we find ourselves experiencing.
Our attitudes are programmed into our personality through ‘messages’ which we receive during the impressionable years of our childhood, and are then strengthened and reinforced by our experiences in adult life. These ‘messages’ are given to us directly or indirectly. For example, we may be told directly that we are ‘great’ or indirectly made to feel ‘great’ because of the way our parent figures responded to us. Similarly we can learn to see the world and the people in it as threatening because that is what we are told or because we have been repeatedly threatened ourselves. These ‘messages’ then become stored in the subconscious part of our mind and personality and will generally guide our feelings and behaviour. This is often referred to by therapists and psychologists as the ‘automatic pilot’ within us.
If our ‘auto-pilot’ has been programmed by negative ‘messages’ and experiences, we will often find ourselves sabotaging our attempts to feel and act positively. This is particularly true if we are under stress or are feeling frightened or threatened because it is then that we tend to fall back on our ‘auto-responses’.
Of course, there are many factors in our lives as adults which can cause us to view ourselves and the world negatively. The experiences of being continually discriminated against, becoming seriously ill or handicapped, being economically deprived, tragically losing a loved one, being the victim of a robbery or traumatic sexual abuse can all have very powerful negative effects, but certainly we have a much better chance of recovering our strength and hope if our basic attitudes to ourselves and life are positive.
I was a first child, wanted and loved … I am fortunate in that I am not a person of depressive temperament. When you become disabled I think it accentuates whatever your personality is. If you are of a depressive nature, you may become more depressed.
Sue Masham
Is change possible?
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Winston Churchill
I know change is possible because, as I have already indicated, I have experienced it first hand myself, and have been witness to very many ‘transformations’ in other people. Although I know that, at heart, I was the same person 25 years ago as I am now, my ‘personality’ appears and feels radically different. I may not have become the model of positive perfection I outlined earlier, but I do now genuinely like myself, feel I have vast reserves of untapped potential to help myself and others, enjoy and respect the vast majority of people I meet, appreciate the beauty of the world and am capable of responding positively to its many challenges. This is a very different picture from the bitter cynical young woman who bungled several suicide attempts when the mood-lifting pills, alcohol and various ‘princes’ let her down!
My negative attitudes had been, in part, formed by early childhood experiences with an erratic, alcoholic mother, inadequate attention from under-resourced children’s homes, confusing care and teaching from ‘two-faced’ nuns, and bullying from other equally deprived and insecure kids. But many other women have had a much more traumatic and unfair start in life than my own, and have managed similar ‘transformations’. The great writer Maya Angelou is one:
I decided many years ago to invent myself. I had obviously beeninvented by someone else – by a whole society – and I didn’t like their invention.
There are various ways of overcoming negativity. Some people find their work, art or religion useful; others are ‘rescued’ by very inspiring and enabling people whom they happen to meet at some stage in their lives. The course outlined in the rest of this book introduces another way, which has been tried and tested by large numbers of people who have attended personal development courses or sought help from a counsellor or therapist.
The word ‘impossible’ is black. ‘I can’ is like a flame of gold.
Catherine Cookson
Chapter 2 Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge (#ulink_c008f798-0db1-5499-8392-779ff26be540)
Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is superior wisdom.
Lao Tzu
Self-knowledge is a key factor in any programme of personal development. I am always amazed at how little people do assess their own personality and abilities. Gossiping amateur psychologists who speculate with great accuracy about the foibles or strengths of friends and neighbours often turn to the daily horoscopes for guidance on their own psyches! I have seen successful managers who have spent a whole career interviewing and assessing staff almost rendered speechless when confronted with questions about their personalities and value systems.
Fortunately, however, there seems to be a change in the air – articles in women’s magazines and newspapers are increasingly accompanied by searching questionnaires asking ‘Do you always feel/ think …?’ or ‘Are you the kind of person who …?’ Of course many of these quizzes are written by journalists rather than professional psychologists or therapists, and give very superficial results, but they do nevertheless often start us thinking and talking. Similarly, in the worlds of work and education a fashion for self-assessment is sweeping through, as employers and teachers ask, ‘What do you think you can achieve?’ and ‘What personal qualities can you offer?’ But, in our culture, it is not that easy to point the probing finger inwards. We often have to contend with several negative blocks before we can confidently and enthusiastically take the path to our own psychological enlightenment.
Negative blocks
Here are a few negative messages I have noticed ringing in people’s ears.
Block 1: ‘I don’t want to be seen as self-centred or to look as though there is something wrong with me.’
It is true that there still is a certain stigma attached to self-evaluation. Contemplating the navels of others is now socially acceptable behaviour – in fact, it could be argued that it is even becoming quite fashionable. But to turn the same enquiring mind inwards still tends to be regarded as self-indulgent or neurotic. This is why most people’s visits to personal development courses are initially shrouded in secrecy – who wants to be seen indulging in the pastime of the mentally infirm and selfish egocentrics?! But fortunately, as time progresses, more often than not I witness people who once came and went by the back door moving to the position of recruiting officer at the front!
When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others too.
Anne Morrow Lindberg
Block 2: ‘It’s alright for those who can afford the luxury.’
I find that many people still think that this kind of activity is a privilege of the super-rich who can afford the time and money to relax on the analytic couch, bending the ear of a kindly father-figure several times a week for the rest of their lives! Knowledge about affordable alternatives such as self-help groups and counselling is still far from common. Very often it is only gathered and given in times of severe crisis or when a problem has become so chronic that it is causing havoc in people’s lives. The cry of so many of my clients is ‘If only I had known years ago where to go to get help with understanding myself, I am sure I would not have got into this mess!’
Block 3: ‘Deep down, I’m probably not a very nice person.’
Most people find the very thought of beginning to explore their innermost souls frightening. One worry which people have often confessed to me is that they are going to find out that they are not the person they hoped that they and others thought they were. They are afraid that a deeper analysis of their thoughts, feelings and potential will reveal their inadequacies, that the limitations to their ‘niceness’, intelligence and creativity will stare them in the face, and the reality of a mediocre or disastrous destiny will dull their dreams. This is particularly true of course for women, who have so many stereotypical images and archetypes of ‘nice, caring back-seat drivers’ with which to contend!
Every one of us has a darker side to our personality, however, and we all have limits to our potential. But getting better acquainted with our own ‘devil’ means we can have more control over her, and confronting the limits of our potential means we are more likely to set goals for ourselves which bring satisfaction and reward as opposed to disappointment and failure.
I can’t imagine anything worse than being a good girl.
Cher
Block 4: ‘If I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.’
This is a very common fear, i.e. that ‘digging up the dirt’ through self-examination and exploration of the past experiences will bring overwhelming despair and depression. Certainly many people I have worked with find they have a very large backlog of tears to shed and do cry out at times, ‘Will it ever stop?’ But of course, it does, and then comes the feeling of relief and renewed energy.
As people become more experienced at doing personal development work, they learn to have more and more control over the buried tears and are able to choose to shed them in safe and supportive places – for example in the comfort and warmth of their own homes or in the arms of close and trusted friends who will not panic in the presence of their grief but simply be with them until it passes. As someone who has experienced the deep despair of serious life-threatening depression, I know that it is a condition of non-feeling, totally different from the reflective sadness and grief that we can experience as we recall and examine aspects of our past.
I knew that my cure would never be complete unless I could openly associate myself with two words; two words that had been my secret shame for so long, namely ‘illegitimate’ and ‘bastard’.
Catherine Cookson, talking about her breakdown
If any of these negative messages have been ringing bells for you – or, indeed, if you have any others – you must deal with your resistance first. If you begin your self-exploration with such attitudes, you will not only make the whole process feel like hard work, but you may also influence your objectivity, for if you expect to find trouble, your perception and memory will surely bring it out for you! Of course, you may recall sad times and experiences, temporary attacks of anxiety, self-doubt and cynicism, but remember that that is not the whole story!
Make a positive beginning
Start now to correct your negative outlook by reading the following typical positive comments from people I have known who have taken the risk of inspecting the hidden depths of their hearts and minds.
‘I didn’t realize how exciting self-exploration could be.’
‘I found out that I was a much more interesting person than I ever dreamed I was.’
‘I’d forgotten how much I had already achieved in my life – remembering gave me the courage to keep on trying.’
‘It was wonderful to rediscover my hidden strengths.’
‘Finding out what was really important to me in life was the first step towards getting it!’
‘It felt so good to become aware that I had simply slipped into a rut for the safety I once so desperately wanted but now no longer need.’
‘Understanding the cause of my faults helped me like myself better – and helped me to become more tolerant of those weaknesses in other people.’
If you are suffering from a particularly bad attack of negativity, read the above section again and again. You could even photocopy it, paste it in your diary or hang it up in the kitchen to give you an extra-strong dose of corrective reconditioning! Now, with a positive, optimistic approach, try completing the following exercises.
Exercise: Who am I?
Answer the following questions. In the first instance respond quickly and spontaneously. Then, at a later time, review the exercise at a slower pace, noting whether you would want to change or modify your first responses and if so, why?
1. The six adjectives which best describe me are …
2. When I was a young child I dreamed of …
3. When I was an adolescent I dreamed I would be an adult who …
4. The best that could happen to me would be …
5. The worst that could happen to me would be …
6. I feel at my best when …
7. I feel at my worst when …
8. The five greatest heroines I admire are …
9. The five greatest heroes I admire are …
10. My six great strengths are …
11. My six great weaknesses are …
12. I feel good when I think of …
13. I feel bad when I think of …
14. I feel hopeful when I am doing …
15. I feel despairing when I am doing …
16. I give of my best in situations where …
17. I hold myself back when …
18. I would end a personal relationship if …
19. I would give up my job if …
20. I would risk my life for …
21. Most people think I am …
22. When I die I would like to be remembered for …
Now ask yourself:
Who would I be prepared to show this to?
What might be their response?
Exercise: How negative am I?
Tick the response which is nearest to your own reactions in these ‘everyday’ situations.
1. When I get up in the morning, most days:
a) I feel excited about the day ahead.
b) I don’t feel anything in particular.
c) I have a feeling of dread or anxiety.
2. When it comes to planning a holiday:
a) I feel excited and interested.
b) I don’t mind if others make the arrangements.
c) I wonder whether it’s worth all the trouble.
3. I think television these days …
a) nearly always has something interesting/ amusing/ relaxing to watch.
b) is OK to watch if you have nothing better to do.
c) is just full of depressing news and badly made programmes.
4. A friend from long ago is trying to contact you:
a) You’re longing to tell her all about your life today and find out about hers.
b) You don’t think either of you will have changed but it could pleasant to talk over ‘the old days’.
c) You wonder why she is bothering because you’re unlikely to have anything in common, and anyway you are very busy.
5. You are about to go shopping for a new dress:
a) You are excited and wonder what new styles are around.
b) Your mind becomes immediately preoccupied with practical issues such as time factors, parking, which shops you should confine yourself to, etc.
c) You worry that you’ll never find anything you like or that most won’t fit and that you’ll either return home without a dress or with one you have been ‘conned’ into buying – or, perhaps, that the dress won’t really cheer you up in the way that you hope.
6. You are glancing through the job advertisements in the paper:
a) You notice all sorts of interesting positions which start you thinking about possibilities.
b) You think that the situation is much the same as it ever was; you’re better off staying where you are.
c) You think that there is no point in applying because the job’s either bound to be ‘spoken for’ or you wouldn’t stand a chance against all those people who are better qualified/more pushy/older/younger/ prettier.
7. You unexpectedly catch sight of yourself in a shop window:
a) You are pleased and satisfied with the image you see.
b) You think (yet again), ‘I must do something about my hair and get around to buying a new coat – and learn to stick to my diet …’
c) You quickly avert your eyes, wishing you hadn’t seen what was reflected there.
8. You are on your way to collect the morning’s post:
a) You wonder who will have replied to your letters or if there will be any surprises.
b) You doubt there’ll be anything in the pile for you.
c) You warn yourself that it’s bound to be all junk mail and bills.
9. It’s your birthday next week:
a) You can’t believe you’re that age because you feel so much younger – you wonder how you can best celebrate it.
b) You don’t really want a fuss made of it, perhaps because you are too busy or would prefer to forget time passing.
c) You know that you are likely to get presents that you don’t want and receive cards from people that are only ‘doing their duty’ by you – the only good thing is it’s an excuse for ‘getting plastered’.
10. You are given short change in a shop; you complain and the assistant apologizes profusely:
a) You accept the apology, thinking it was most likely to have been a mistake, but will remember to count your change carefully in future.
b) You feel very sorry for the assistant; you seem to have upset her so much that you wished you hadn’t bothered, and anyway what will people think of you, making a fuss over small change.
c) You accept the apology very reluctantly, inwardly convinced that it was no accident because they are all ‘at it’ these days’ …
11. You hear there are plans to build a road through the children’s park and the local sports centre:
a) You decide to find out more about the plans and join or start an action group to ensure the residents’ rights are protected.
b) You are upset but suppose they must have looked at all the alternatives and just hope that someone makes sure they replace the facilities.
c) You have a good moan about how planners are all the same – either thick or easily bribed. You know there’s certainly no point in trying to fight ‘that lot’ and the politicians are only out for the votes anyway!
High scores in category:
‘a’ indicates a positive, flexible and energetic outlook. You enjoy life, and value both yourself and your time. You like challenge and are ready and willing to look at ways of changing your life. You know how to reward yourself and have fun. You see the world as full of interesting possibilities and are able to enjoy meeting and relating to different kinds of people.
‘b’ indicates that you are in a lethargic, bored frame of mind and run the risk of slipping into negativity. Your life is probably stuck in a safe, even peaceful, rut but there is a danger that you will one day realize that life is passing you by! You are too eager to please and probably the kind of person whom everyone likes but few would get passionate about. You are in danger of ending up in the classic female martyr position – wondering why people are not grateful for all that you have done for them and why life has let you down.
‘c’ – You have become depressed and cynical. You have lost your energy and enthusiasm for life. You see people as potentially exploitative, and are no longer able to trust. You have probably lost contact with your emotions. You may have resigned yourself to spending a lifetime ‘getting by’, licking emotional wounds and experiencing physical debilitation. You are in danger of forgetting what it is like to feel positive about anything and may end up feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by a crowd of warm friendly people. If you continue in this mode there is very little chance that you will be able to look back on your life with pride and a sense of achievement. In fact, you are in desperate need of some positive reprogramming and have everything to gain from giving the course in this book top priority!
Chapter 3 Healing the hurt (#ulink_882ca9e7-b0d4-5f39-abc9-7b31dee375c2)
One must learn to care for oneself first, so that one can then dare care for someone else. That’s what it takes to make the caged bird sing.
Maya Angelou
Emotional wounds
Once you have begun to get a clearer idea of the kind of person you are and where you want to go, you are ready to start the exciting process of reprogramming the auto-pilot of your unconscious mind so that it can help, not hinder, you to take your life in the positive direction you wish it to go. But before you can confidently glide along in top gear you must do some more preparatory work.
Without exception, every negative thinking person with whom I have ever worked has been suffering internally from what I shall call ‘emotional wounds’. Whether these are new, acutely painful, bleeding hearts damaged by some recent trauma, or ancient festering sores generated by childhood distress, they usually need healing attention before the person can become truly motivated to adopt a more positive outlook.
So, if your self-analysis revealed a considerable amount of negativity, it is likely that you could do with treating yourself to a strong dose of loving nurturing. ‘But how do I do that?’ is a question that I hear many times. It is amazing how many women there are who are superbly skilled at nursing and caring for others but simply do not know how to turn these skills inwards towards themselves! No doubt you’ve heard people say, ‘You’ve got to forget the past and get on with your life.’ Perhaps you even tell yourself that daily! But, of course, it is easier said than done and you know only too well that you would if you could. You obviously don’t enjoy feeling and behaving in a negative way, otherwise, I assume, you wouldn’t be reading this book.
Most probably, along with other deprivations you may have experienced, you were never taught how to express sadness or anger efficiently and healthily. Perhaps you have been taught that you should:
– grin and bear it
– take the rough with the smooth
– remember that there is always someone worse off than yourself
– not cry over spilt milk
– let bygones be bygones
or perhaps you were not encouraged to express and share feelings of pleasure, excitement and pride. Were these the ‘messages’ you heard?
‘You should never count your chickens until they are hatched.’
‘If you laugh before breakfast, you’ll cry before supper.’
‘Little things please little minds.’
‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.’
Of course this kind of stoical, stiff-upper lip philosophy has its uses. In the short term it frees our energy to cope with the practical problems which most crises inevitably produce. It may have helped our parents and grandparents win wars and survive many dreadful tragedies, traumas and injustices which their rapidly changing and increasingly competitive world had no time to deal with effectively – and, of course, it helped our mothers and grandmothers swallow the bitter pills of the discrimination and oppression in their patriarchal world.
But what about the cost of using such survival strategies on a long-term basis to cope with the most minor day-to-day problems? We can see the answer all around us. This strategy has produced generations of women who are today weighed down with buried pain and the debilitating physical and emotional symptoms of stress, and many thousands of others who are merely kept afloat by their addiction to mood-lifting pills, alcoholic tipples, chocolate cakes or the fantasy tales of the soaps. Even women who have managed to find fulfilment and happiness can still harbour feelings of guilt, a sense of foreboding about the future and a cautiousness about tempting the hand of fate by simply being too happy and successful!
Modern research has now revealed that repressed feelings do not simply melt away – they are stored as emotional or physical tension, which can play havoc with our health and ability to live harmoniously and happily. But we can learn more effective ways of managing our feelings on a day-to-day basis and this is a subject we will be discussing in some depth in Chapter 5.
You can take an important preparatory step in that direction by confronting and dealing with that buried emotional tension which you are probably harbouring in body and mind right now.
Exercise: The emotional story of my life
Using a large sheet of paper and some coloured pens, draw a series of pictures to illustrate typical scenes in your life which you remember with feeling. Don’t attempt a great work of art; you can use symbols and ‘pin-men’, but avoiding words will help you stimulate the right side of your brain, which deals with emotions, and prevent you from making too many clever intellectual interpretations as you remember! (See the following chapter for further explanation about right and left brain hemisphere activity.)
You have already spent some time reviewing your past history, but now is the time to dig just a little deeper into your personal ‘feeling bank’ and see whether there is any what we in the world of therapy call ‘unfinished business’. By this we mean past situations which gave rise to:
– feelings which were never satisfactorily expressed, causing deep-seated tensions which may still be inhibiting the free flow of emotional energy and perhaps hindering you from being as spontaneous and passionate as you would like to be
– thoughts which were not correctly assessed and evaluated and may therefore have replaced your capacity for rationality and impartiality with dogmatic opinions and prejudices.
To assist you in the unearthing of your own ‘unfinished business’, complete the following exercise, which will help you review your emotional life to date. Remember that:
1. In looking for material we are not necessarily looking for ‘the Truth’, i.e. what actually happened, but merely your emotional reaction to your perception of what was going on. For example, your mother may not have been actually baring her teeth and threatening to kill you when you knocked down your brother’s castle or came home late from the disco, but you may have thought she was and therefore felt the terror.
2. We are not necessarily looking for major events or traumas. It is often in the everyday common experiences that most unfinished business lies. Indeed, the very ordinariness of the experiences may have resulted in their not getting the attention that they needed. We say to ourselves:
‘Well, almost everybody has failed an exam in their life, haven’t they?’
‘All sisters quarrel with their brothers.’
‘All my friends’ Dads were just the same.’
‘Every girl is terrified on her first date.’
It’s up to you to decide in which order to look at your life events. Some people like working backwards, while others must always start at the beginning and others prefer working with whatever pops into their head – vive la différence! Just check out with yourself from time to time that sticking to your particular method is working in your best interests and is not just an old habit acquired from someone else with different kinds of aptitudes.
The examples I have given are merely guidelines rather than suggestions and should be used to help you structure your work. The next exercise can be completed over several days or weeks – but don’t leave too long in between sessions or you will lose momentum.
Exercise: ‘Unfinished business’
Using your picture of your emotional history as a guide, try to summarize and highlight your own legacy of hurt from the past, noting how it may be affecting your feelings and thoughts or behaviour in the present. Try to be as specific as possible.
For example:
1. Mum’s migraines just before holidays and any other exciting event left me with an expectation that there is a price to be paid for every pleasure.
2. Dad’s inability to express any feeling except anger has left me wary and resentful of this emotion.
3. Mum’s moans about having to work and the constant quarrels over who should do what at home left me cynical about the possibility of combining a career and motherhood.
4. My brother’s bullying has left me with a fear of authority – especially if it is male.
5. My sister’s gloating over her gleaming blond hair left me convinced that ugly ducklings like me are nicer people.
6. My family’s general prudishness about sex has left me with a tendency towards frigidity.
7. Missing out on opportunities to make friends at school has meant that I have become too accepting of my loneliness.
8. The double standards of the nuns at school left me suspicious of all matters spiritual.
9. My dislike of the maths teacher has left me afraid to face figures.
10. My best friend’s habit of flirting with the lads I fancied left me feeling that women can’t be trusted if there are men around.
11. The extreme poverty of the neighbourhood in which I lived left me feeling guilty about indulging in any luxury.
12. My sheltered and over-protected childhood didn’t prepare me for the real world.
If you have completed this exercise, you may now be feeling ‘churned up’ and a bit depressed because you have probably reactivated some sad or perplexing memories. You may even have begun to feel a bit sorry for yourself – but believe it or not, that’s good news! Of course, I certainly would not want anyone to remain in that position for very long, but to be there for a while can be very healing. I believe that it is vitally important that at some stage you must reach the point where you truly feel that, for whatever reason, you did have an unfair start or influences in life and that this has handicapped your ability to think and act in a positive way. I am not suggesting that you now become submerged in a sea of self-pity, but rather that, having recognized and acknowledged the injustice, you will be energized into righting the wrongs. You will be better motivated to give yourself a break, to beat destructive habits of self-blame and self-torture. So frequently I see these demonstrated by negative thinkers who depress and immobilize themselves with thoughts and comments such as:
‘I’m a born loser.’
‘That’s just my luck!’
‘Trust me to put my foot in it … I’ve always had a big mouth.’
‘I’m the jealous sort.’
‘“Trouble” is my middle name.’
Emotional healing
When you start to love yourself, everybody wants to be around you because you have something very marvellous going on.
Susan Taylor
On their own, the individual and personal experiences which you have highlighted in the last exercise may seem insignificant, but when they come in excessive doses they can turn even the happiest and most carefree children into depressives and cynics – unless they have been followed up by the kind of action which will encourage emotional healing. By this I mean action which allows:
– appropriate feelings to be discharged
– the experience to be assessed in some perspective.
When we are children it is up to our parents and parent figures to help us to heal. Ideally, when something happens which hurts or frightens us, whether it be a broken toy, a sick parent or a nasty nightmare – or indeed a war in the Gulf – a caring adult will encourage us to express our feelings and, if necessary, hold us while we cry or shake with fear. If the emotion should be rage or anger, they will help us to discharge this in a safe and sensible place or channel it into constructive action. When the feelings have died down, they will sit quietly with us and talk about what happened – helping us to understand the whys and wherefores, and accept the imperfections of the people concerned (even if these are themselves!), encouraging us (and showing us how) to put right what we can, or simply giving us ‘tea and sympathy’ to help us bear inescapable pain.
If we have been fortunate enough to receive this kind of help, as we grow older, we learn to take ourselves through this healing process or seek similar assistance from other people. We do not get stuck in the role of ‘victim’ – we get hurt but we are empowered to heal ourselves, pick up the pieces and move on in a positive direction. Moreover, we have the energy, skill and motivation to help others do the same, and we can gain much pleasure and satisfaction from being able to give such support.
The sad reality is that many people have not acquired this precious life-skill. Many parents can’t, or won’t, consistently help their children to heal emotionally from hurt. Sometimes they are simply too busy, too tired or too frightened. Perhaps they themselves have never been taught the skill. It is only a small minority, thank goodness, who are knowingly or intentionally neglectful. But whatever the reason or excuse, the result can still have a powerfully negative effect on the mind and behaviour of the adult who carries a collection of unhealed wounds inside.
In doing this self-development work, we are not concerned with blame recrimination or revenge, but simply facing up to the reality of our inner pain and trying to do something positive about it. We have to learn to give ourselves what we may have missed out on – whether that be the time and space to feel repressed feelings, the opportunity to gather objective information to gain perspective on our experience, or simply comfort for our misfortunes.
So the next step I would suggest that you take is to give yourself a strong dose of self-nurturing. If I were your fairy-godmother I would probably whisk you away for a week to a peaceful and luxurious health farm – but perhaps it is quite fortunate that I do not possess a magic wand because my idea of heaven might well be your idea of hell! But do you know what your idea of a week’s self-nurturing might be? It’s my experience that many people with a negative view of themselves and the world don’t.
Positive people do know how to nurture themselves. They know how to give themselves treats when they are feeling blue or run-down and how to reward themselves if they have done well. Negative thinking people may sometimes seem to know how to do this but their ‘treats’ very often have a sting in the tail! For example:
– the big ‘booze-up’ which leaves you nauseous and depressed the next day
– the double portion of chocolate cake which leaves you feeling bloated and 1lb heavier
– the trip to the cinema to see a horror film which haunts your dreams for weeks afterwards
– an action-packed holiday which leaves you exhausted and financially bankrupt
– a night out with a ‘friend’ who specializes in ‘isn’t it awful’ conversations
– an extravagant new dress which will hardly see the light of day with your kind of lifestyle.
So, when you are doing the next exercise check that you do not sabotage your chances of getting some real nurturing for yourself and certainly do not choose to do things which may masquerade as treats but are merely obsessional, conditioned responses to an addiction. For example: the cigarette to the nicotine addict, the whiskey to the alcoholic, the quiet evening in to the agoraphobic, or the afternoon in town to the shopaholic.
One of the common ways of sabotaging our chances of getting the nurturing we deserve and need is to depend too heavily on others to give it to us. As women, this often means expecting or hoping for a man to come up with the goodies – the well-timed cuddle, the listening ear, the box of chocolates or the surprise holiday in the Bahamas. Don’t knock yourself for this bad habit because the Prince Charming myth has infiltrated even the most liberated female subconscious – just recognize your pattern and replace it with some self-nurturing action over which you have control.
Exercise: Self-nurturing
Make a list of activities which you know or believe could refresh you and help you to feel at peace with yourself and the world. For example:
– a walk in the park
– a long hot bath
– an aromatherapy massage
– an evening at home watching a video
– a Mozart piano concerto
– a Julio Iglesias tape
– pottering in the garden
– some early nights with a good book
– etc.
Make a list of treats which you already give yourself or could begin to give yourself as a reward for doing well or as encouragement when the going is tough. For example:
– a trip to the cinema
– an Indian meal
– afternoon tea at …
– a new book or tape
– a week-end away
Draw up a healing action plan for yourself for the next four weeks, allowing at the very least half an hour a day to be devoted to one of the above activities or treats. If possible take at least one full day’s holiday so that you can spend the entire time nurturing yourself.
If you have been very hurt and deprived by your past, you may need to consider doing an additional programme that stretches over many months if not years. Others may just need to do some short-term corrective work in certain areas, but I doubt if there is anyone who couldn’t benefit from doing something. But remember, don’t set yourself up for failure by giving yourself unrealistic tasks or goals.
Remember: we cannot always control the events which hurt us or the people who disappoint us, but the resultant reservoirs of emotional baggage are entirely at our disposal!
Chapter 4 Kicking the negative thinking habit (#ulink_2ee7533b-6864-5784-922d-dc481ce4a1ed)
In this and the next two chapters, I will discuss ways in which you can alter your persistent negative habits in the three areas of thinking, feeling and habit. But firstly, let’s look generally at the subject of breaking habits. The following are some guidelines I have drawn up which you can use to set ‘programmes’ for yourself if you want to do some serious habit kicking.
Guidelines for changing habits
1. Check your motivation – it is possible, but certainly not easy, to break most habits, so we certainly need to be able to see clearly the carrot at the end of the stick. We need to ask ourselves ‘Who or what stands to gain if I crack this habit?’
For example:
If we ourselves are likely to be the beneficiaries:
‘Am I really worth all this effort?’
‘Do I love myself enough?’
and if others will benefit:
‘Do I love/like or approve of them enough?’
If an issue or cause is likely to gain from our efforts:
‘Do I really feel this is worthwhile?’
2. Examine the habit – sometimes we are so ashamed of our bad habits that we try to pretend that they don’t exist. If someone brings up the subject, our guilt often stops us from having a rational, constructive discussion, and we just fob people off with ‘I know, I know, I know, but I don’t want to talk about it!’ The result of this is that we don’t give the habit too much thought until the big crises occur and we lose our friends, job, marriage, health, etc.
It is important to do a detailed analysis of the habit so that we can identify the precise stimuli which sets it off and become aware of what positively reinforces it (i.e. gives us a pay-off) and what negatively reinforces it (i.e. punishes us).
So we need to ask ourselves and others:
‘When am I most likely to …?’
‘With whom do I most often …?’
‘In which places am I least likely to …’
and the classic question for women –
‘At what time of the month …?!’
3. Set goals – and make sure that these are realistic. We already know that negative thinking people regularly set themselves up for failure. They are hard taskmasters for themselves as well as for other people, demanding impossibly high standards and constant perfection. They often want to tackle the most difficult problems first and are not in favour of easy stages.
So we need to check that we are starting our programme with a task which has a strong chance of success and that we have a series of goals which will get progressively harder (but also progressively more rewarding) as we move on.
4. Practise – if possible this should be done in a ‘safe’ place first, that is, in situations or with people where there is as little risk as possible to your relationships, finances, self-esteem, etc.
Two alternatives to practising in real life are role-play and guided fantasy (see Chapter 13 (#litres_trial_promo)). Other options might be preparing and reading scripts at home or using a tape recorder or video to give you feedback and practice.
5. Monitor your progress – you need to have some system for regularly checking how you are getting on. This could be entries into your diary, a wall-chart, or weekly discussions with friends or a self-help group. Whatever system you choose, make sure it is fool-proof against cheating!
6. Reward yourself – it may be a long time before you reach your desired carrot so you will need to find some way of encouraging and supporting yourself along the route. We now know that rewards are much more effective than punishments in any learning process.
Make sure that the rewards you give yourself at each stage are appropriate and that you save the big treats for the harder habits.
Overcoming negative thinking
The quality of your thoughts determines the quality of your life.
Vera Peiffer
There are four steps which you can take to break your negative thinking habits and replace them with more positive patterns. These are:
1) Expose and confront your existing negative attitudes.
2) Adopt new positive approaches.
3) Expand your thinking powers.
4) Increase your exposure to positive thoughts.
Much negative thinking is essentially irrational – it is not based on well-considered facts and sound theories! It is directed by feeling and prejudice rather than logic and reason. Very often there can be some basis of truth in the arguments presented by this mode of thinking, but they rarely give the full picture. The process of censorship is often unconscious and is a habit ingrained over many years. We may be totally unaware of our discriminatory practices although sometimes the ‘madness’ of our thinking may be blindingly obvious to others. We may hear:
‘You’re just being your usual pessimistic self.’
‘Don’t be so daft – how on earth can an intelligent woman like you talk like that?’
– but still remain convinced in our pessimism because we feel we are right, and so we defiantly defend our opinion. Yet our feelings and opinions are controlled by the parts of our personality which are not best equipped to make logical and rational decisions.
In my book Super Confidence I summarized some of Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis theory, which may help you to understand more fully how your personality and its ‘censorship’ strategies work. As with many such theoreticians (including Freud!), Berne suggested that our personality has three fairly distinct sections and that each of these has a different approach to the world. In short, these are:
– the Parent, which is the part where our values and opinions lie; we use it when we are looking after, supporting, controlling, judging and taking responsibility for ourselves or others
– the Adult, which is the part we use when we are being rational, objective and calculating
– the Child, which is the part we use when we are being emotional, intuitive, creative, manipulative, rebellious, submissive, etc.
Each part has its uses and the secret of a healthy well-functioning personality is that each part is used appropriately. For example, we can use:
– the Parent to care for ourselves and others, make moral judgements and keep discipline
– the Adult to make important decisions and give considered advice
– the Child to have fun, feel the beat of the music or make passionate love.
But woe betide us if we quote too many statistics at parties, cry in a management meeting, or try to engage a mugger in rational discussion!
The ‘GEE’ strategy
Earlier, I noted that most negative thinking is heavily influenced by feeling and opinion, which are controlled by the Child and Parent parts of our personality. These two parts have invaluable uses but we have to be particularly circumspect about using them if our childhood ‘programming’ was negative. You can override conditioned responses, however, by making a conscious choice to use the Adult side of your personality rather than the Child or Parent part. So I have devised a strategy whereby you can do just this. It uses your Adult to help you analyse your thinking errors. I have called it the ‘GEE’ strategy simply so that I could use mnemonics to aid the memorizing of the three habits which need to be challenged. These are:
Generalization Exaggeration Exclusion
Generalization
This is the habit of developing a ‘no-hope’ philosophy, based on a specific subjective experience. We had plenty of examples of these when we looked at the effect childhood can have on the development of our general attitude to life, but now let’s look at the way many of us continue to reinforce these attitudes by continuing to think in a similar way as adults.
Exaggeration
This is the habit of expecting things to be worse than they really are – worrying about a potential catastrophe before there is any real evidence to suggest that one is likely to occur.
Exclusion
This is the habit of ignoring the positive aspects of something and only seeing the problems and disadvantages.
Use the next exercise to check out your own habits and then try to use the GEE strategy on a regular basis to help you spot the irrationality of your thinking when you or anyone else spots negativity in your attitude.
Exercise: The GEE strategy
Over the next week note down any specific instances when you catch yourself thinking or reacting negatively. If possible, ask someone close to you to help you identify these habits, because more often than not we ourselves find it difficult to see the wood in our forest of problems!
Then use the GEE strategy to help you analyse your negative responses and see how irrational they are.
Positive decision-making and problem-solving
In the long run we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
Eleanor Roosevelt
The next step is to replace your old habits with some new ones. You could, for example, just adopt a favourite habit of Great Britain’s Prime Minister, John Major, who is reported to approach almost every problem by just drawing a line down the centre of a piece of paper and heading one column the ‘Pros’, and the other the ‘Cons’. This simple idea is easy to remember and execute, and is certainly better than irrational negative thought. You may wish to try your hand at it and also at a couple of other techniques which I have found helpful.
FACE the Facts
This is a structure which I have devised to aid objective thinking when faced with a problem or a decision. It helps you to focus on five important aspects of the issue. Once again, I have used a mnemonic (For Against Choice Emotion) as an aide-mémoire.
If possible, don’t try and tackle each of these aspects in order of sequence or at one marathon thinking session you could restrict your creative thinking powers and your memory. Instead, put these headings on a sheet of paper or a blackboard for as long as you can before you make the decision or take any action, and then you can jot down your ideas and data as they come to you. In this way you may also gain more insight into your patterns of thinking.
At first you may find yourself filling up the AGAINST section, but as your basic mood and attitudes become more positive, the FOR section should start filling up.
Do the following exercise to give yourself some practice and then use it to help you to structure your thinking as formally as you can for a few months. After some time you may find yourself automatically thinking differently and you will not always need to go through this process although I still find it an invaluable support when I am having to make major decisions.
Exercise: FACE the Facts
Think of a decision which you are trying to make at the present or one which you have recently made. Divide a sheet of paper into five sections as I have done below (or in any other creative way you can imagine!) and use the above strategy to explore the different issues and relevant facts and feelings. I have used the example of a decision to move house.
Decision: Whether or not to take up the offer of a new job which would mean a major family move to the other end of the country.
FACTS
State of industry
Recession
Initial investment: – £8,000 p.a. for two years approx.
How to expand your thinking powers
There are hazards in everything one does but there are greater hazards in doing nothing.
Shirley Williams
Are you using your brain to its full capacity? The answer is most definitely that you are not – and neither am I! Recent research has revealed that most people use under one per cent of their brain. This organ has quite staggering potential. So don’t waste energy by looking over your shoulder and enviously admiring ‘his incredible logic’, ‘her amazing memory’, ‘her brilliant imagination’, ‘his quick thinking’, and so on – vow to start digging for your own latent thinking power!
Male/female differences
Research has proved that the average man’s overall IQ score is indistinguishable from that of the average woman. This may seem like cold comfort because the reality is that, although we have the innate potential to be on an intellectual par with men, very many women still do not have comparable thinking skills.
In the man’s world that we were born into and reared in, women have indeed lagged intellectually behind men because we have lacked the opportunity, motivation and inclination to develop and maintain our brains in top working order. Many of us were not encouraged to pursue higher forms of education, even though no one disputed the fact that we were as, or even more, able than the males around us. How many brain cells do you need to look sexy, wash nappies and bake bread? Until very recently it didn’t make economic sense for the patriarchal society to educate us! Perhaps many of you, like myself, have experienced direct discrimination within the education system or from your parents. It may help if I tell some of my own story.
When I was 15 years old and in the middle of my ‘O’ level course, my family found themselves under severe economic strain. All four children were at private day schools to which my father had sent us two years earlier in an attempt to give us the best education he could possibly afford. I loved my school and was thriving both academically and socially. The liberal and encouraging atmosphere was helping to heal the wounds of a childhood mostly spent in repressive authoritarian children’s homes. I was heartbroken when I was told that the family’s economic difficulties meant that my sister and myself would have to leave our schools and join the state system. The pain of leaving my friends and having to attend a school which I knew would give me an inferior education was perhaps soothed by my sprouting social conscience, but I know the ignominy of having my educational interests placed behind those of my brothers damaged my self-esteem and directly contributed to my under-achievement at school. For years I put people with degrees (and clever people such as writers!) on giant pedestals. It was not until I reached my mid-thirties that I began to have a glimmer of my own thinking potential. I dread to think of the number of cells that must have died of starvation in my brain! The fact that I have heard many similar ‘hard-luck’ stories from women throughout my life has not assuaged the hurt, but it does fuel my determination to help women take positive steps to recoup their educational losses.
Of course the situation is now changing fast and my daughters are living in a very different educational world, but I know that many women are still hampered, not just by lack of opportunity but by deep wounds to their intellectual self-esteem and the general negative images of ‘blue stockings’ and girls in glasses rooted deep in our collective unconscious. We certainly have a right to be angry about such blocks and handicaps but it would be naïve to think that having a good shout about the injustice will give us adult women enough of the opportunities we need and deserve, even if it may help our daughters.
Improving your memory
Your mind is not a sieve – it is a brilliant computer with a vast capacity for storage.
There is considerable evidence to support the suggestion that our brains do retain far more information than is generally thought perhaps even all of it.
Tony Buzan
So you must already have a mountain of information which you can usefully draw on – all you need to do is improve your ability to recall it. This can be done by a regular programme of exercises or making sure that you give yourself plenty of opportunity to practise your recall skills. Your memory was probably functioning much better when you were at school, mainly because it had so much exercise!
Here are just a few simple ideas:
Keep a daily diary.
Learn a language.
Learn some poems or quotes off by heart.
Psychologists have also shown that we can also improve our ability to retain information by:
– keeping our study periods short
– constantly reviewing what we have learned
– repeating information, such as a name, several times as soon as we hear it
– using mnemonic techniques which help us make links
– using highlighting colours
– using symbols and drawings to reinforce ideas
– asking others to test us.
Improving your ability to look and listen
Highly tuned observation and listening skills are essential to clear rational thinking. Our eyes and ears are incredibly adept at selecting out information according to the mood we are in – if we ‘get out of the wrong side of the bed’ we don’t even look for the blue sky, or if we’ve been told to expect a boring speech, we’ll sleep through the juicy bits!
Here are some ways in which you can take better control of these senses and encourage them to give you beneficial information:
– Practise your concentration by spending five minutes a day selecting and focusing on certain sounds such as bird song or a ticking clock, and consciously switching off other distracting sounds.
– Check that your body is in an alert position – no slouching or wandering eyes.
– Close your eyes occasionally and practise recalling in detail what you have just seen.
– If you find yourself ‘switching off’ from someone who is boring, put yourself into the role of constructive critic.
– Use the classic counselling technique of ‘Reflection’ to check out your listening skills, i.e. summarize what has been said by repeating back to the speaker what they have said. If you use slightly different words you won’t sound like a parrot!
– Use drawing regularly to observe detail (not to produce great works of art for public consumption!)
– In the privacy of your own home, practise the art of ‘mimicking’ various people, not to make fun of them but to improve your ability to observe their finer points. (This is a skill we were all born with – what young child can’t mimic its parents with uncomfortable accuracy!)
– Take notes – but don’t play stenographer, just jot down key words.
– Look after your ears and your eyes by not overloading them and giving them plenty of time to rest.
– Continually make a conscious effort to switch your body into a relaxed state, as physical tension impairs both sight and hearing.
Improving your reading and note-taking
Reading can have many uses – it can give information and offer relaxing distraction, but if used in collaboration with thinking it can stimulate imaginative and energizing thought.
When you picked up this book, did you open it at the beginning and begin dutifully reading each page in sequence? I hope not. Although I, as an author, have tried to work to some kind of order (and may feel quite protective of that order if my editor should start wanting to move bits and pieces around!), I do know that the way I have arranged information is not going to suit the needs of very many readers. So I would like to think that when you picked up this book, you did a quick flick through to see what bits were of interest to you as an individual with particular needs and that you then selected the chapters you wanted, and needed, to read. If you did this you may not, of course, actually need to read any more of this section because you have already developed a flexible approach to reading!
For those of you who are choosing to read on, here are some tips which have helped me and many of my clients:
• Vow to make reading a pleasure and don’t tolerate boredom. Whenever possible skip the boring bits and give yourself full permission to change your mind. (I dread to think how many hours of my life I used to waste reading books to the bitter end just because I had started them!)
• To aid concentration, always check that you are sitting reasonably upright but comfortably.
• For speed-reading a text, use a pencil or similar marker to guide you along the lines. This technique is supposed to increase reading speed by as much as 100 per cent, because it focuses attention and improves concentration.
• Read the contents tables and the beginning and end of chapters before ploughing through a long text. Use the index to find particular sections of interest and go to those first.
• Keep you eyes working efficiently by regularly looking away, blinking or cupping your hands over them.
• Make notes in the margin, or on a card which can double as a book marker. At the end of each chapter, or after no more than 20 minutes, enter these notes to a Mind Map like the one illustrated in the next exercise. This will help you retain the information and save you rereading the whole book.
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