How to Deal With Difficult People
Ursula Markham
Now in ebook format.
A concise, straightforward book on how to handle difficult people in your personal or professional life.
How to Deal with Difficult People
Ursula Markham
To my family – with all my love
Table of Contents
Cover Page (#u8a610121-1504-53ab-bd5b-466262a36978)
Title Page (#u250964c5-f2ab-5fea-8a5b-815478634813)
Introduction (#u5733aaa6-ec67-513f-9b30-ba4e2c7bbf80)
CHAPTER ONE Understanding Yourself and Others (#u1ac557a8-fb37-5e17-bd5f-f2b799ee90a0)
CHAPTER TWO Styles of Behaviour (#ub49e8b59-a59f-5b2f-b6c7-7500875ae6a0)
CHAPTER THREE Types of Problem People (#u17076a16-ca28-55a0-ab8a-29bb7522521b)
CHAPTER FOUR Handling Conflict (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIVE Communicating Effectively (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIX Saying No (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN Dealing with Complaints (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT Coping with Authority (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE Being in Authority (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TEN Step-by-Step Guide to Dealing with Difficult People (#litres_trial_promo)
Further Reading and Resources (#litres_trial_promo)
Index (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)
By the same author: (#litres_trial_promo)
Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
Introduction (#ulink_99d75c59-a1d0-5589-8d90-14241a5e32b3)
Difficult people exist in all areas of our lives. They cause problems for anyone who comes into contact with them. This book is designed to help you understand and handle such people effectively and to get the best possible result out of any involvement with them.
As a counsellor I spend a great deal of my time helping those who consult me on how to cope with and improve the situations that come about because of other people’s difficult attitudes and behaviour. As a business training provider I run seminars on dealing with difficult co-workers, superiors or subordinates. The ideas and techniques suggested in this book are based on the experience I have had in both these fields. They make a good starting-point if you find yourself having to cope with difficult people; you can then adapt these techniques to suit both your own personality and the particular problems you have to face – after all, no two situations are identical.
Of one thing you can be confident: understanding what makes difficult people tick and learning how best to handle them will reduce your stress and make your life a great deal easier.
All things are difficult before they are easy
Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia no. 560
CHAPTER ONE Understanding Yourself and Others (#ulink_002ec86e-5ff6-5ce9-8f18-13ab8f7b7252)
There is no way you can make difficult people change and suddenly become sweet and amenable. Such change can only take place when the individuals concerned desire it and work towards it. So, if you can’t change them, the only thing to do is to change your own reaction to them. After all, you are the one who gets hurt and upset while they themselves simply blunder on in their own way.
All communication consists of reaction and counter-reaction. So, by changing your reactions – both inwardly and on the surface – you will in fact make these difficult people counter-react differently (even if only temporarily). Even if this does not help you to eliminate completely any problems that arise, it will diffuse most situations and therefore make them far easier to deal with.
Sometimes you will have to be quite skilful in the way you handle difficult people. While you can let yourself go and shout at a brother or sister, you are likely to get into trouble if you react in the same way to your boss. Even with members of your family, however, shouting is not a very good way to handle trying situations – but at least you won’t lose your job!
Each of us reacts in a different way to such awkward people because each of us has a different starting point. No two individuals have the same view of themselves; one may be calm and composed, another over-confident, while a third may have very low self-esteem. It is so easy to be hurt, deflated and demoralized by the words and actions of others; indeed, this is what they rely on and what gives them their power. But if you allow them to get to you, all you are doing is letting them win – and that is not good for you nor for their next unfortunate victim. The way to overcome the difficulties that arise is to be more clever than they are and to influence their responses – and often you can do this without them even realizing what you are doing.
How Do You React?
Perhaps it would be a good idea to look first at your own reactions to people. The instinctive retort, while often an understandable reaction is not always the best one from any point of view. Difficult people are so used to employing a particular set of tactics that you are likely to fall right into their trap and enable them to play their final trump card. As far as you are concerned, you are likely to end up feeling angry, frustrated and disappointed in yourself. Better by far to take time to think before you react – and better still if you have worked out your strategy in advance.
If you know that you are dealing with someone who is always difficult and who treats everyone in the same way, do try not to take personally the way he speaks to you. It is not really you who is being attacked; this person’s attitude would be the same whoever was at the receiving end. This does not excuse the behaviour in any way – but it might help to reduce your own feelings of inadequacy.
Ask yourself what sort of reaction you have to a difficult person you know. Do you respond extremely negatively? If so, for what reason? Stop and think rationally of what your course of action should be. Simply blowing up and having a fierce verbal battle achieves nothing; all it does is bring you down to the level of the person causing all the difficulties.
You can choose how to react and respond to people. Working through this book will help you understand the choices available to you and to decide which one is best and most appropriate in a particular case. You will be able to build on your inherent strengths (and hopefully minimize your weaknesses) so that you do not allow yourself to be triggered into a response that gets you nowhere and leaves you feeling drained and disappointed in yourself.
All this does not mean that you have to become a ‘yes-person’ or to give in to those who are trying to influence the way you behave. It does not even mean that you are not allowed to be angry. Of course you are. Anger is a natural and often justified emotion and there is nothing wrong in feeling it; what’s important is how you deal with it and express it. There is a world of difference between flying into a screaming rage and telling the other person (in a calm, controlled manner) ‘I feel angry about that.’ The latter is the assertive way and is far more effective as your listener is more likely to take notice. If you scream and shout, he will simply scream back and in the end neither of you will take any notice of what the other is saying.
To throw some light on how difficult people make you react as you do, try asking yourself the following questions:
Do You Really Want to Be Controlled by Others?
All too often that is what is happening – and the only one to suffer is you. The difficult person will carry on, happily convinced that he has won once again.
Picture this scene: Tom is driving steadily along the main road out of town when another vehicle overtakes him on the approach to a bend and, because of oncoming traffic, is forced to cut in immediately in front of him. Tom, who has naturally had a shock, is furious. He goes scarlet with rage, bangs his steering wheel with his fist and calls the other driver every bad name he can think of. The rest of his journey is ruined because he is fuming about what happened – and what could have happened. His concentration lapses and his own driving suffers as a consequence. This makes other people sound their horns at him, which does nothing at all to improve his humour.
No one is saying that Tom was not right to be angry. He did nothing wrong; the fault was entirely the other driver’s. And, had he not managed to cut in front of Tom’s car when he did, the situation could have been even worse due to the stream of oncoming traffic. But who was the one to suffer for Tom’s reaction? Not the other driver – who probably went on overtaking every vehicle ahead of him and was probably completely oblivious of Tom and his feelings.
No, the one to suffer was Tom. It was Tom whose blood-pressure went through the roof; Tom who was left shaking with fury; Tom who became so agitated that his own driving became far less steady and who could have, therefore, caused an accident himself. He had allowed himself and his judgement to be affected by the stupid actions of someone else – and he had not even had the satisfaction of telling that other person how he felt.
In just the same way, if you allow yourself to be goaded into a stressed and extreme reaction by the manipulative behaviour of other people, the only one you are going to harm is yourself. And not only will you fail to get the response you desire but you will be left feeling exhausted by your emotions and disappointed in your own behaviour.
What Is Your Reaction When Confronted by Someone Who Is Furious with You?
Do you match anger with anger? Do you become defensive and make excuses – to which the other person does not listen? Or do you back off and slink away? Each of these reactions is a negative one, whether your anger is justified or not. You are also likely to be left feeling annoyed, not only with the other person but with yourself for acting in the way you have.
Do You Talk Yourself into a State of Negativity?
You know the sort of thing: ‘I’m dreading that interview – I always make a fool of myself’ or ‘I really hate Mondays.’ If an interview is approaching, all you can do is prepare yourself as best you can and try to be as calm as possible on the day. As for Mondays – there was one last week and there’s going to be one next week as well, so you might as well get used to them.
This sort of negative feeling wastes so much time. Whether the interview (or the Monday) goes well or not, you will have spoiled the intervening time by spending it in a state of dread.
How Do You Respond to Criticism?
There are some people who just love to criticize others. It makes them feel good and gives them a sense of power. Like the bully who will only torment an obvious victim, the more response the critic gets from the object of his remarks, the more he will continue. And, also like the bully, critics tend to be moral cowards; putting others down helps them to disguise their own insecurities and have an inflated opinion of themselves. (I am not talking here of genuine, concerned criticism given in a constructive way but of those who enjoy making other people feel small).
Is your immediate response to such criticism to become defensive? Or perhaps you assume that the critic must be right (how he would love that) and take all his comments to heart without stopping to analyse their validity. As you will discover, there are ways of stopping the malicious critic and dealing assertively with the situation.
Do You Have a Permanently Negative Outlook?
Tell yourself often enough that ‘Everything has gone wrong since I moved into this house’ and it will continue to do so. Convince yourself that you are having ‘one of those days’ and you will. Not only will your own negativity make you see only the down side of every event, it will also draw out the negativity in others.
If you find yourself behaving in this way, it is worth stopping and taking stock of the realities of your situation. What really has gone wrong since you moved into your house? Make a list and study it. Are some of the items on the list things that would have happened anyway, wherever you were living? Are they all really as bad as all that? Now make a list of all the things that have gone right since you came to live there – things you may not have stopped to consider from the depths of your negative hole. Great or small, I’m certain that if you are honest you will be able to find a number of things to put on the positive side. (For one thing, you are well enough to be sitting there making the list.)
Even when you look at that list of ‘wrongs’, can it all really be the fault of the house, the day, the weather – or whatever else you have convinced yourself is to blame? Try being more positive and making a note of good things as they happen to you – even the little ones. It really works.
Do You Swallow Your Feelings – Both Good and Bad?
Do you find it difficult to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m disappointed in what you did’? Of course you may be able to say one and not the other. Many people have been brought up to think that they have to be polite and not do or say anything to upset anyone else. That is fine – but not when it means accepting poor manners or shoddy workmanship. There is nothing wrong in expressing what you feel provided you do so in a way that is productive rather than aggressive. You will never lose your true friends – and those people who aren’t true friends don’t matter anyway.
Disguising your emotions only ends up hurting you. It causes a build-up of stress as you turn your feelings in on yourself rather than dealing with them. Your opinion of yourself will become ever lower as your sense of inadequacy increases. You will also cause problems for yourself in that others (particularly those difficult people) will either fail to notice you at all or will consider you a prime target. Perhaps You Believe in Saying What You Think Regardless of the Consequences?
Just stop for a moment and consider how you feel when other people act in such a way. Do you really want to cause others pain or distress?
Saying what comes into your head without considering the effect it will have on those around you will eventually turn others away from you. You are likely to end up believing that you are alone against the world. This is a sad enough feeling at any time but even worse if you realize that you brought it on yourself. You could find yourself trapped on a downward spiral of emotion from which it will be hard to emerge.
Know Your Personality Type
While conducting research into the effects of stress upon the heart, cardiologists Dr Meyer Friedman and Dr Ray Rosenman divided people into Type A and Type B personalities. They found that, even if work and living conditions were identical, Type A people were three times more likely to suffer from a stroke or heart attack, as these people were more likely to react aggressively to people and situations and therefore more likely to suffer from excess stress.
Check the lists that follow and see whether you incline more towards Type A or Type B. The ideal, of course, would be to fall somewhere in between the two. It can be fine to have a ‘laid-back’ attitude to life – but not if you constantly miss opportunities or irritate others because of it. And a certain amount of enthusiasm and ambition is laudable – but not if it causes you to ride roughshod over all and sundry.
These lists are meant to be a guide to whether you lean too much one way or the other. Don’t be concerned if you have a few of the Type A characteristics – it probably means that you are good at getting things done. But if more than half of them apply, it might be time to see what you can do to change some of your reactions to life – before you do yourself any real harm.
Type A Personality
Highly competitive
Has a strong, forceful personality
Does everything quickly
Anxious for promotion at work or for social advancement
Desires public recognition for what he has achieved
Is easily angered by people and events
Speaks rapidly
Feels restless when compelled to be inactive
Likes to do several things at once
Walks, moves and eats quickly
Is made impatient by delay
Is very conscious of time – thrives on having to meet deadlines
Is always on time
Has taut facial muscles and/or clenches fists
Type B Personality
Not competitive – at work or play
Has an easy-going, relaxed manner
Does things slowly and methodically
Is relatively content with present work situation
Is satisfied with social position
Does not want public recognition
Is slow to be aroused to anger
Can enjoy periods of idleness
Speaks slowly
Prefers to do one thing at a time
Walks, moves and eats in a leisurely way
Is patient – not easily upset by delay
Is not time conscious; tends to ignore deadlines
Is frequently late
Has relaxed facial muscles/does not clench fists
Why Are You as You Are?
Whatever your personality and however you react to difficult people, the pattern will have been set many years ago, probably in early childhood. People and events over which you had no control will have conspired – often unwittingly – to create the self-image with which you have grown up. And if you are someone who finds it impossible to stand up to difficult people or to handle them in a satisfactory way, your self-esteem is likely to be lower than it should be. The good news is that it does not have to stay that way. It is possible at any stage in life to improve your self-image and increase your confidence.
Let’s have a look at some of the most common reasons for a poor self-image and see whether you can relate to any of them.
The first people with whom you formed any kind of relationship were your mother and father (or those who stood in that position). From their attitude towards you and their opinion you will have formed a view about yourself and your ‘value’. Some parents, of course, are deliberately unkind to their children, inflicting mental, physical or emotional damage. Fortunately, however, such parents make up only a small minority. But it is all too possible for the kindest and most well-meaning of adults to inflict harm, too – although they would probably be shocked if they knew they had done so. Those who are over-protective, doing everything for their child and fighting all his battles, may create an adult who has learned to be so dependent that he is quite unable to stand on his own feet. Those who care and provide for their children but find it difficult to be demonstrative (possibly due to defects in their own upbringing) may cause those children to believe that they are unworthy of love and affection – unlovable in fact.
A small child will think that his parents know everything and are perfect in every way. If one or both of those parents does not show love and affection, the child will form the inner belief that he is unworthy of such love and his self-esteem will develop (or not) accordingly. Similarly, the adult who thinks he will spur his child on by telling him that he is ‘stupid’ or ‘could do much better’ will, in fact, demolish the poor child’s belief in himself and his abilities until he either refuses to try or sets about everything in so half-hearted a fashion that he is bound to fail – thereby reinforcing the already negative self-image.
There may be elements in a child’s upbringing that are no one’s ‘fault’ but that still have a traumatic effect on his belief in himself. If one of these ‘wonderful’ parents leaves home or is away for any length of time, a child will usually believe that he is to blame and that, had he been ‘better’, the family could have remained complete. I have had more than one patient, now adult, who can accept logically that he or she was not responsible for one parent leaving the family home but who still finds it difficult to come to terms emotionally with the guilt experienced.
Sometimes the parting is quite unintentional. Perhaps one parent has to go away to work, goes into hospital – or even dies. It’s not all that long ago that a whole generation of fathers left home because they were conscripted to fight a war. The logical explanation for the leave-taking does not seem to make a difference to the young child and, unless he is handled carefully with love and understanding, a pattern of negativity about his own worth can be formed.
An unsettled childhood can also affect the future adult. If the family move home frequently during the early years so that the child is compelled to go to new schools and find new friends at regular intervals, he may grow up to find it difficult to form relationships with others. Then, when he looks around and sees (as it seems to him) that no one else has this problem, he feels inferior and inadequate where other people are concerned.
There are some children who sail happily through life at boarding school – but there are others who find it lonely, frightening and distressing. If you were part of the latter group, the traumatic effect of being sent away for so much of the time can last well beyond schooldays.
We are all programmed in some way – sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. If a child is told often enough, ‘You will never be as clever as your sister,’ that statement will become the truth. Think of all the people who claim ‘I could never learn to speak Spanish; I’m useless at languages.’ The truth is that, provided they have no real learning problems, there is no reason at all why they could not learn another language if they wish to do so. After all, had they been born in Madrid they would have been chattering away in that tongue from the age of one or two. Every time any one of us repeats a negative statement about ourselves – whether we say it aloud or simply think it – we are reinforcing this negative programming.
But if negative programming works, surely positive programming must work too. The process is the same; only the words or thoughts change. Just as it is possible to re-record over an audio or video cassette or a computer disk, you can re-record over past programming, thereby bringing about a change in your own self-image.
Why should you bother? What does it matter if your self-image is not as good as it could be? And what has all this to do with dealing with difficult people?
If you haven’t a strong belief in yourself and a reasonable amount of self-esteem, you are going to accept whatever negative words others throw at you. And if you accept these words without question and without seeing the reality of the situation, you are going to be unable to respond as you should in order to cope with the situation.
What Can You Do?
The first thing is to accept that your self-image is not fixed. Indeed it is constantly changing in ways which may even go unnoticed. You can choose how you want your self-image to change.
Success vs. Failure
Try not to keep looking back at what you consider to be your failures. We’ve all had them. Professional footballers sometimes miss ‘easy’ goals; champion ice-skaters sometimes fall over – and I bet even Einstein got his sums wrong once or twice! But none of these continued to punish himself for years afterwards or entertained the belief that he was ‘no good’ in a chosen field. It is only worth reminding yourself of your failures if you are to learn from them. If they show you something you did wrong and you make a decision not to do it again, that is all you need. Once that positive outcome has been reached, all you can do is let the failures go and leave them where they belong – in the past.
Create your own successes. Start in a very small way. Choose something you find it difficult to do, whether it’s walking into a room full of people or jumping into a swimming pool. Now do it – but only in your imagination. Creative visualization is another way of saying that you should practise something in your imagination, always seeing it through to a successful ending, until your subconscious mind becomes so used to the image that it will cease to send out panic signals when you come to do the deed in reality.
In order to visualize effectively, you should find a quiet time of day or evening – just before going to sleep is ideal. Sit or lie quietly and allow your mind and body to relax. Now see the feared situation in your mind, as you would like it to be in reality. Don’t just picture yourself walking into that room full of people; see yourself doing it in a calm and self-assured way. Imagine going up to someone – perhaps someone who looks ill at ease—and doing what you can to make him feel more comfortable. See yourself chatting in a relaxed manner with those whom you meet. If you repeat this process daily over a period of time (at least three weeks if possible), you will find when you come to put the action into effect that you will have successfully reprogrammed your mind for success.
Making a ‘Like-List’
Make a list of those things about yourself that you like. The person who claims that he cannot find anything to put on a list is not thinking deeply enough – or is not telling the truth. Because people with a poor self-image are usually by definition highly sensitive, it follows that they tend to be kind, compassionate and unwilling to hurt others. So there’s the first thing to put on your list; now go on from there.
Once you have completed your list, look at the characteristics you have written there. If they applied to some stranger you had never met, you would not think he could be such a bad person, would you? So why are you so hard on yourself?
Instead of looking back only at negative events in your life, try remembering your successes. Everyone has had some, however small. Perhaps you won a badge in the Guides or Scouts, perhaps you bake a good cake – or perhaps you are kind to little children and animals. All of these are successes. Think of as many as you can. Don’t just list them to yourself but remember how it felt to achieve them or to be praised for them. Relive those moments. If you are going to look back at the past, you might as well do it in the most positive way you can.
For some people, simply knowing the reason for their low view of themselves can be enough to help overcome it. Many of us do not take the time to think about the cause of our negativity; we just accept it as part of our nature. But, once you can see that the fault was not yours but lay in your upbringing or your early programming, you may not need to cling on to that false impression of yourself any longer.
Once you have learned to reduce self-criticism and improve your self-image, you will be less likely to suffer from the otherwise damaging words and actions of difficult people. Also, because you have learned to understand yourself better, you may also be able to understand them. You may begin to see that something has made them the way they are. Once you can begin to feel sorry for someone, however dreadful he may be, he can no longer inflict harm on you.
As your confidence grows you will also be able to put into action the techniques you are going to learn in the rest of this book to help you deal with difficult people. You will know that you are likely to succeed in coping with them and that, even on the odd occasion when you do not succeed, you will have done your best and so will have no need to reproach yourself in any way at all.
CHAPTER TWO Styles of Behaviour (#ulink_ed2e03e3-c674-5470-96c5-66e5de454f4b)
The majority of people with whom you come into contact, whether in your business or personal life, will exhibit one of three general styles of behaviour: they will be (mainly) either aggressive, submissive or assertive. If you are to be able to deal with people you need to be able to recognize these styles of behaviour and be armed with methods of minimizing their negative effect. An important part of doing this is making sure that you yourself are in the ‘assertive’ category.
Let’s have a look at the three basic types and see how to recognize them instantly:
The Aggressive Person
The aggressive person is the verbal bully, concerned only with satisfying his own needs, and frequently hurting other people in the process. (By the way, when I refer to ‘he’ ‘his’ or ‘him’ anywhere in this book please take it to mean either gender. No sexism is intended.)
The aggressive person enjoys the feeling of power that he thinks he has and the ability to make people rush about and do his bidding – but his enjoyment is often short-lived. He may never admit it but deep inside he knows that he is taking advantage of others who are either weaker than himself or in a position where they are unable to do anything about it – for example, when a manager is aggressive towards a very junior employee who is not able to retaliate without risking his job.
Convinced that he is the only one who could possibly be right in any situation and that the only needs that matter are his own, the aggressive person reminds others repeatedly of just how clever, strong or important he is. Just as physical bullying often hides a cowardly nature, this sort of boasting often masks feelings of inferiority or self-doubt. In addition to persuading others of his superiority, the aggressive person is also trying desperately to convince himself.
You will often find that the aggressive person is also a lonely person. His behaviour tends to drive others away in both his business and personal life. Because he has constantly to reassure himself and everyone around that he is the best, the most interesting and the most intelligent, he is excessively critical of everyone else. It is a great ego-booster for him to think that everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault, but it does not make him very popular. Although he may feel a desperate inner need to have friends, he is unlikely to admit this; you have to treat friends as equals and he cannot allow himself to admit that anyone is worthy of such consideration.
Someone who is aggressive often has a great deal of energy and vitality. If only he could learn to harness that energy and use it positively, all would be well. Sadly, he tends to use it in a destructive way rather than a constructive one. Some people mistake aggression for strength and feel that if they display any other type of behaviour they will be taken for weaklings or will seem as if they do not know their own minds.
When aggression is taken to extremes it becomes violence (physical aggression). However, we will concern ourselves only with the verbal aggressor, with whom most of us are more likely to come into contact.
Not only does the aggressive person not really like himself, he also has a negative effect on all the people around him. These others may feel angry or frustrated because, while only too aware of the unfairness of his attitude, they are either powerless to do anything about it or resent having to waste their time and energy trying to defend themselves against his unjust accusations. This waste of energy, coupled with feelings of helplessness, is quite exhausting and often causes the aggressor’s ‘victims’ a great deal of stress and tension.
Even if those who come into the line of fire know perfectly well that the aggressor’s accusations and comments are unjust and uncalled for, they will not be able to help feeling hurt and even humiliated by them. No one likes to be made to appear foolish or to be corrected in front of others – and of course this is just what the aggressive person does. It adds to his sense of power if as many people as possible can hear him exerting his authority and putting down some other ‘inferior’ being.
Because anticipation of an event is often more stressful than the event itself, those who have to come into frequent contact with an aggressive person may feel that they are living on the edge of a volcano, always waiting for the next eruption. At the least this can cause them to feel anxious or inhibited; at worst it can lead to excess stress which in turn can bring about physical or mental illness. But of course the aggressor rather likes the fact that all around him are waiting for the other shoe to drop. It adds to his sense of power and authority.
Taking all this into account, it is hardly surprising that everyone tends to leave the aggressive person alone if they possibly can. This increases his feelings of isolation and of being ‘different’ or ‘special’, so he is likely to act in an even more aggressive fashion, thus perpetuating the cycle.
Anyone who comes into frequent contact with an aggressor will find no difficulty in identifying him at a glance, but here are some ‘give-aways’ in both verbal and body language which will point him out immediately even to a relative stranger.
Verbal Language: The Aggressive Person Will Say Things Like:
You’d better …
You’re hopeless …
You must …
Do what I tell you …
I want you to …
Get on with it!
Body Language
Stands still
Has a stiff, rigid posture
Keeps arms folded
Shouts
Points finger
Stabs with finger
Bangs desk or table
The Submissive Person
In complete contrast, the submissive person is one who tends constantly to sacrifice his own needs in favour of other people’s. He is therefore easily put upon by others – even those who are not by nature aggressive. It is just that the submissive person seems to encourage this attitude in those with whom he comes in contact.
In former generations it was believed that women were ‘supposed to’ behave in a submissive way; it is only comparatively recently that it has become acceptable for a woman to be assertive or competitive. Progress in this direction has been impeded, however, by men in certain organizations who are old enough or bound enough by tradition to cling to the old ideas of ‘a woman’s place’. In such companies it is extremely difficult for a woman, however talented, efficient and conscientious to reach the top. Presumably, however, as the members of this old hierarchy retire women will have more of an opportunity to share professional responsibilities with men.
The submissive person suffers greatly from feelings of insecurity and inferiority. His self-esteem is non-existent and he has no confidence at all in himself or in his abilities. Every time he comes into contact with an aggressor his feelings of inferiority are reinforced. He tends to accept criticism without stopping to question whether it is justified or not.
Because he realizes that he allows other people to take advantage of him – and does so repeatedly – the submissive person often experiences considerable anger. However this anger is not turned outwards towards the person or people taking advantage but inwards on himself for allowing it to happen. Yet he does little or nothing about it, believing that ‘there is no point’ in trying when he is ‘never’ going to be taken seriously or get his own way. This in turn causes great inner frustration; after all, no one really likes to feel helpless – still less if he believes he ‘deserves’ it.
The submissive person is normally quite good at hiding his true feelings. He carries on with life pretending that everything is fine while feeling constantly anxious, fearful that it is only a matter of time until he is ‘caught out’ and ‘exposed’ for the inadequate that he is. As you can imagine, this makes him a gift for the aggressor, who is only looking for someone to accept the blame for anything that goes wrong. What a bonus to come upon a willing victim, someone who truly believes that everything is his fault!
A submissive person often withdraws from others, feeling that he does not deserve to mix with these superior beings – and that they would not want to know him anyway. He believes that no one would want to listen to him because anything he might want to say would be trivial, unimportant or wrong.
Try and compliment a submissive person and you find that he is quite unable to accept it. He turns any positive statement into a negative one. For example, if you say: ‘I do like that outfit; it really suits you’, instead of a simple ‘Thank you’ the submissive person is more likely to answer ‘What, this old thing? I’ve had it for ages,’ thus making you feel foolish (i.e. negative) too.
Because of the constant stress and anxiety that surrounds him, not to mention the fear of being ‘found out’, the submissive person has little energy or enthusiasm for life. He has no time to spend on himself because he spends his entire time trying to do what he thinks other people want him to do.
You would suppose that everyone other than the aggressor would feel sympathy for the submissive person and want to help him have a better opinion of himself and to boost his confidence. Indeed, most people start off this way. But sympathy only goes so far – and then irritation sets in. People begin to wish he would stand up for himself for once, do what he wants to do and take some decisions for himself. When this doesn’t happen others can lean towards aggressive behaviour because they lose all respect for the submissive person and treat him accordingly.
Constant contact with someone who is submissive can be quite exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who is always negative in word and deed. It is quite a draining experience, leaving you tired and struggling to maintain your own positivity. The outcome of all this is that most people tend to avoid the submissive person altogether unless they absolutely can’t avoid him – thus adding to his feelings of isolation and inferiority.
The submissive person can also be recognized by his typical verbal and body language:
Verbal Language
Oh dear …
I’m terribly sorry to bother you but …
I wonder if you could possibly…
I’m sorry; I’m really sorry…
But …but …
Body Language
Never looks at you
Keeps his fists clenched or wrings his hands
Stoops
Whines or speaks very quietly
Steps backward when spoken to
The Assertive Person
An assertive person is someone who is concerned for himself and his own rights as well as those of other people. He wants to meet others on an equal footing rather than score points over them.
The assertive person is usually the only one of the three types who ends up achieving the goals he has set himself. The aggressor may believe that he wins in the short term but, because he creates such bad feeling around him, there is no loyalty on which he can depend. The submissive person often does not set himself any goals in the first place, believing that he would never be able to reach them.
Respect for other people and the realization that they too have needs and rights distinguishes the assertive person from these others. His aim is for everyone to win and for this reason he is willing to negotiate and compromise in a positive way. When he makes a promise he always keeps it and so those around him develop trust in him. Because he is in touch with his own feelings, he is able to explain how he feels to others – even when his feelings are negative because of something they have done or said – and can do so in such a way that these others will feel no resentment.
Inwardly the assertive person feels at peace with himself and therefore with those around him. Each new challenge is faced in a positive rather than a negative way and, because of his inner confidence and the fact that he is aware of his own limitations, he is prepared to take a certain number of risks when it comes to new ventures and ideas. Sometimes things may not work out as he had hoped, but someone who is assertive realizes that it is permissible to be wrong occasionally and that it is possible to learn from one’s mistakes. Assertiveness means that he does not have to steal anyone else’s ideas or stab others in the back. When things go well he is able to acknowledge his success and be proud of – as opposed to conceited about – what he has achieved.
Outwardly the assertive person is a joy to be associated with. His enthusiasm can be catching and will often inspire others to become more positive in their outlook. Because he is not manipulative and does not go behind other people’s backs, those around him learn to believe in and co-operate with him. His sense of inner serenity reduces the amount of stress he feels and he is therefore more able to direct his energy into achieving whatever goals he has set himself. And, because he rarely suffers from extreme mood swings, his behaviour towards others is consistent and the lines of communication are kept open.
Obviously, from the description above, an assertive person feels good about himself most of the time. Because of this he makes other people feel good, too. They develop a sense of security and trust because regular communication and feedback lets them know what is expected of them and where they stand. Tactical ‘game-playing’ or attempts to score over one another are reduced to a minimum and therefore everyone concerned is able to turn their energies towards achieving a communal goal rather than indulging in petty power struggles.
Respect is an integral part of the assertive person’s attitude – respect for himself and for other people. And this respect is usually reflected around him, encouraging his colleagues to-co-operate as fully as possible. Any success, great or small, is commented upon and complimented and this, too, encourages everyone to try even harder to perform well, whatever the task.
Verbal and body language by which you can recognize the assertive person include the following:
Verbal Language
I feel …
I would like …
What is your opinion?
What do you think is the best way to tackle …?
I think …
Let’s…
Body Language
Has an upright but relaxed stance
His gaze is steady and he maintains eye contact
Has a sense of composure
Becoming More Assertive
It is obvious, from the descriptions of the three styles of behaviour, that you will be happier and achieve more if you can become assertive. Now, this is not going to happen overnight but the desire to change and a little effort can achieve a great deal.
Begin by tackling small problems rather than major ones. Then you will be able to register a number of successes fairly quickly instead of feeling that you are putting in a great deal of effort and achieving little. Do remember, however, to stop and give yourself credit for whatever successes you achieve, however minor. One of the attributes of the assertive person is that he is able to feel pleased with his progress.
Think of a situation where you feel that you have not acted assertively. This can be connected either with your working or home life, as developing assertiveness applies across the board. Ask yourself these questions
What is the situation?
Is the other person concerned aggressive, submissive or assertive?
What has been my reaction to date?
What would an assertive reaction be?
Even if you are not yet certain that you would be able to put this assertive behaviour plan into action (although, once you have read further, you should know just what to do), at least you will have worked out the situation, understood where any manipulation is coming from and seen the effect of reaction and counter-reaction between the people concerned.
Whatever type of person you encounter, as an assertive person you should be able to do all of the following:
Express your positive feelings: ‘I do like your new hairstyle;’ ‘I love you.’
Express your negative feelings: ‘I don’t like it when you speak like that;’ ‘I’m frightened.’
Say no: ‘No, I can’t work through my lunch break;’ ‘No, I don’t like Mexican food.’
Give an honest opinion: ‘I think we should leave now;’ ‘I don’t agree.’
Say that you are angry, provided that anger is justified: ‘The way you do that irritates me;’ ‘I feel angry when you are rude to others.’ (Note that saying that you are angry does not have to involve raising your voice, becoming abusive or thumping the furniture. Acknowledging the emotion and expressing it is quite sufficient for others to know where they stand).
As an assertive person you have certain rights:
You are entitled to ask for what you want – but you also have to remember that the other person is entitled to say no.
You are entitled to make decisions and choices for yourself.
Because you are a human being and therefore fallible, sometimes these decisions and choices will turn out to be the wrong ones – but, as an assertive person you will be prepared to face the consequences whether they are good or bad.
You are entitled to your own opinions and feelings, to acknowledge them to yourself and to express them to other people.
You are entitled to make mistakes, bearing in mind that others must be allowed to make mistakes, too.
You are entitled not to know everything.
This does not mean that you are ignorant, foolish or a failure.
You are entitled to decide whether you want to become involved in someone else’s problems.
As an assertive person, however close you may be to another person and however much he may try to persuade you to intervene, only you can decide whether to do so or not.
You are entitled to change your mind.
If your change of mind involves other people, you will do them the courtesy of informing them rather than leaving them to find out at some later date.
You are entitled to privacy.Everyone needs a certain amount of time and space alone, whatever his circumstances. Unfortunately it is often taken as a sign that you are unhappy with those around you. As an assertive person you will offer reassurance and explain that no such inference is intended. Of course, you will also remember that those around you are entitled to some privacy, too, and will not take offence if they express a desire to be alone at times.
You are entitled to achieve.If you have ideas, a positive attitude and energy, by all means combine them and achieve all you can. Provided you have not taken unfair advantage of others you should feel proud of what you have done.
You are entitled to alter yourself in any way you choose – granting the same right to other people.
Think back over your recent past and see if you can remember a way in which you have abused your own rights. Perhaps you can say ‘I never have a moment to myself or ‘I get drawn into other people’s quarrels.’ Be aware of your reactions to others, remember your rights and decide how you will do things differently in the future.
Becoming assertive is more than just a way of dealing with difficult people or of coping with awkward situations. It is a means of making personal progress. Whether you think that this life is all that counts or whether you believe that what we do is part of a longer and deeper evolution, personal development is essential if you are to achieve in any real sense. It is up to you to decide what you want – from a particular situation or from life in general – and then set goals and work towards them. Don’t worry if success seems a little elusive at times; even slow progress is positive progress.
A non-assertive person lets life happen to him. He sits back and waits to see what occurs. An assertive person decides what he wants and sets out on the path to it. He will take some chances and make some mistakes. He will learn from his errors, picking himself up and trying again. While it may be true that if you never join in a game (i.e. take chances) you never lose – you never win, either.
Giving and Receiving Compliments
A genuine compliment, gladly given, can give the recipient so much pleasure that it is a real pity most people find it such a difficult thing to do. Get into the habit of giving compliments – don’t save them for special occasions. Whether you are informing a business colleague that you think he has performed a task particularly well or telling your daughter you love the painting she has brought home from school, you will be bringing happiness and a sense of achievement into the other person’s life. The positive energy derived from a sense of achievement can spur a person on to even greater things in the future.
Thinking back to the first chapter and the way so many people have been programmed to think of themselves of failures, by helping others to consider themselves achievers you may be breaking a negative mould which has been impeding their personal progress for years. And all for the sake of a sincere compliment.
It is important, of course, that the compliments you give should be sincere. The recipient will soon see through false praise and will either doubt your honesty (and therefore lose trust in you) or think that you have some ulterior motive.
If you are going to give compliments to other people, you also have to learn how to accept them yourself. Many people tend to think of themselves as ‘unworthy’ or to put themselves down. How many times have you heard someone respond to a compliment with some self-deprecating comment?
‘Your hair looks particularly nice today.’
‘Oh, no, it looks awful really.’
All that is needed is a simple ‘thank you’ and a smile; then both ‘complimentor’ and ‘complimentee’ will feel satisfied.
Making Changes
These can be changes in your appearance, behaviour, routine, goals – or in your ideas. Circumstances, other people’s opinions and sometimes the media have all contributed to our preconceived ideas about those around us. Every young man clad in black leather and big boots is not a potential thug any more than every little old lady with silver hair is sweet-natured, but years of pigeonholing may lead us to group people together based on their outward appearance.
If you are to be assertive, you need to make a commitment to change some part of yourself or your life. You might decide to change your style of clothes, to learn about a subject at evening classes or to alter your behaviour in particular situations. Start now by choosing some aspect of your life which you intend to change. Reinforce your commitment by writing down the details of your projected change:
What change do I intend to make?
What are the problems I may encounter?
What will be the positive benefits?
When am I going to begin?
Communication
An assertive person is a good communicator. Because he recognizes the importance of the other person’s opinion, he is a good listener. This involves understanding not only what is said but also all non-verbal communication (body language). He is able to begin conversations and to sustain them, speaking calmly and saying what he truly feels.
Because communication is so vital, it is important to realize that ‘small talk’ has its place, too. We do not have to spend our entire lives discussing matters of earth-shaking significance. More trivial chat about the weather, holidays or what the children are doing is a means of forging a link between ourselves and others. People who are unable to communicate on such a level tend only to be able to ‘talk at’ rather than ‘talk to’ others. And, since no one really wants to be lectured continuously, resentment may soon grow on the part of the listener.
Negotiation
The ability to negotiate is an essential part of the assertive person’s repertoire. If this were a perfect world and everyone in it an assertive person, negotiating and compromise would be far more common.
In order to negotiate in any situation it is necessary to understand the other person. After all, he has a right to his opinion just as much as you have a right to yours. If there is a clear indication of his feelings, show him that you are aware of it. You might say something like, ‘I can see that this is worrying you’ or ‘I understand your point of view’. If you are at all unsure of what his position is or how he feels, don’t be afraid to ask for an explanation.
Whatever happens, and even if the other person loses his temper or becomes overemotional, you must remain calm. If you feel yourself growing tense, concentrate on relaxing your muscles – particularly those around your shoulders and jaw where tension is quick to build up. Breathe deeply and steadily; this will help you to remain in control.
If you are going to negotiate you need to do so from a position of strength, so be sure that you are armed with whatever facts are necessary to back your point of view. And keep to the topic under discussion without allowing superfluous opinions or accusations to enter into the conversation. If the other person wanders off the point, gently but firmly bring him back to it.
Eventually you may reach the stage where you feel it is appropriate to propose a compromise. This is not the same thing as capitulating or acting in a submissive way. There is little point in being stubborn just for the sake of it and you will probably find it easier than you think to reach a solution that satisfies both parties without either of you feeling that you have been forced to give in against your will.
Handling Put-downs
Unfortunately there are people who delight in making others feel small. While they should not be allowed to get away with it, an aggressive reaction will simply instigate an argument which may become heated. A submissive reaction will achieve nothing at all except possibly to cause the perpetrator to feel that he has scored a victory. Either of these responses will have the added negative effect of causing you to be annoyed with yourself afterwards.
If you come into contact with someone who enjoys delivering a good put-down, try to see the hidden inference behind his words. If he says to you, ‘Haven’t you done that yet?’ what he is really saying is ‘You’re incompetent.’ Unless you know that you really are at fault and have failed to do something you promised to do, a possible assertive response would be ‘Not yet. When did you want it done?’
If you are aware of put-downs and recognize them for what they are – a form of bullying where the aggressor is seeking to inflate his own ego by making you feel inferior – you are less likely to fall into this trap. If you have succumbed in the past, think about it now and decide how you would react should the situation present itself again.
Dealing with Criticism
No one really likes to be criticized. An assertive person, however, will realize that criticism falls into two categories:
Unfair: If criticism is unfair, it is unimportant and you should not pay any attention to it.
Fair and constructive: If the criticism is justified, although you still may not like to hear it, in the long term it can prove to be useful and positive.
Reacting aggressively to criticism causes problems of its own. If you snap back at the critic you will probably start an argument. If you are not assertive, you will not win the argument and you will end up feeling bad about it.
If you react submissively to criticism and always agree with the critic, whether or not he is being fair and just, you are simply pushing yourself lower and lower in his estimation – and in your own. Eventually you will reach the stage where you never do anything at all in case it attracts criticism from others. There are three main techniques for dealing with criticism:
If the criticism is fair – agree with whatever is justified (although not with that which is simply judgemental) and say what you intend to do about it:‘It was your turn to do the washing-up this morning and it’s still there in the sink [criticism]; you’re absolutely hopeless [judgement]’.‘Yes, it was my turn. I’ll do it right now.’This is not a submissive response because the criticism is a fair one. You did promise to do the washing up and you failed to do so. Your reply will serve to show the critic that you acknowledge the fault and intend to put things right. This will take the wind out of his sails and a possible argument will be avoided.
If the criticism has an underlying truth but is exaggerated – accept that which is justified but do not react in any way to the exaggeration:‘You were supposed to have that report on my desk by 9 this morning and you still haven’t finished it. You just don’t care. Everyone else always ends up doing your work.’ (The only true part of this criticism is likely to be the first sentence.)‘Yes, I am late submitting the report and I’m sorry about that. I’ll work through my coffee break and get it to you at the first possible moment.’By staying calm and responding only to the true part of the criticism, you remain in control of the situation. The critic will be appeased by your offer to go out of your way to put the matter right and, because you have not risen to the bait and responded aggressively to the unjust part of the criticism, an argument is less likely to ensue.
Responding with a question – this is a particularly useful response when someone is making a criticism of you personally as opposed to your work.‘You wouldn’t understand.’‘Why do you think I wouldn’t understand?’The critic’s reply to your question will help you to decide whether he is genuinely concerned about you – in which case he will go on to explain his comment – or is simply being unpleasant – in which case he is likely to begin to bluster, having nothing specific with which to back up his statement. Then you will know that he is not really worth bothering about and his remarks will cease to distress you.
Preparation
Suppose you have to find an assertive way of persuading someone to do something. Many people find this difficult, particularly if there is an implied or actual criticism of the other person for poor performance to date. There are four points you need to cover and, bearing these in mind, it is often helpful to prepare a script in advance to ensure that each step is taken in turn. Naturally you do not need to read the script out when you come to talk to this person, but it will help you to fix in your mind what you intend to say. The four steps are:
1 Explain the current situation as you perceive it. Be brief and keep to the point without allowing extraneous judgement to creep in.
2 Show that you understand the other person’s feelings and then express your own. You might say ‘I feel upset about this’ or ‘I realize that you are in a difficult position.’
3 Say what you want, making as few demands as possible and keeping them realistic. There is no sense in making demands which it is physically impossible for the other person to deliver. In such cases (unless it is completely inappropriate) you might have to be prepared to negotiate or to compromise.
4 Explain what the outcome is likely to be, stating the rewards if she complies or the punishment if not. (Perhaps, ‘I shall take my custom elsewhere.’)
If you are able to analyse your own behaviour and then use the guidelines in this chapter to help yourself work towards becoming a more assertive person, you will have taken a very big step towards dealing successfully with any difficult people in your life.
CHAPTER THREE Types of Problem People (#ulink_59a7596d-8f6f-52df-995f-b61d232c1351)
Difficult people don’t just have an effect on you for the length of time you are with them – they can spoil your whole day, week or month. An encounter with an expert difficult person can leave you feeling angry (with yourself as well as with him), hurt or frustrated. And you can be sure that he knows this all too well. Such people rely on having this effect on others; they do it because they know it works and helps them to manipulate other people, thus leaving them to go ahead with things in their own sweet way.
You have to realize one fact from the outset: you cannot change a difficult person just because you want to. With a few exceptions, difficult people are quite happy to be as they are. So, if you cannot change them, you need to learn a technique for dealing with them so that (i) you are not manipulated by them and (ii) you do not allow them to have a devastating effect on your own temper and behaviour.
The types I am going to discuss here are those who are perpetually presenting problems. Of course you can be difficult and so can I – but hopefully this is only on occasion. To deal with really difficult people you need first to understand them and then to work out a method of coping with them and their behaviour while maintaining your own temper and sanity. This applies whether you encounter them in your business or your personal life.
For the purposes of this chapter, I have divided difficult people into 13 basic types – although of course there will be others who fall somewhere between two personalities, exhibiting different behaviour according to the situation in which they find themselves.
Janet
There are some people who are so wrapped up in what they are doing that they never even pause to consider anyone else’s feelings or opinions. They are not necessarily deliberately negative – but they can irritate others enormously. A typical example is someone who always has the volume on the television turned up far too high and who is too thoughtless or unaware of other people to realize that this level of noise is causing them distress. If you ask this person to turn the volume down, she will probably do so immediately – but the next time she watches television she will forget and the volume will be just as high.
Janet is just such a person. She loves to chat and gossip and is one of those people who speak rapidly and without great variation in tone of voice. She also continues to talk even when the person she is talking to does everything possible to bring the conversation to an end. You might be trying to write a letter, read a book or even put on your jacket to leave – but Janet still goes on talking. Not only is this extremely irritating, it is pointless as people become so impatient that they mentally ‘switch off, so whatever it is that she wants to say, no one actually takes it in.
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